SWL Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. SBL Kz'set di Plagia

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Battlelord Kz'set di Plagia

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Verpine, Sith, Shadow
Comment

This was a very tough judgement to conclude. It involved a more than thorough look over, and instigated a lengthy discussion with a fellow judge. That could end up as a bad thing, but in this case it was most certainly not.

Both of you, as writers, demonstrate your skills and understanding of the system well. Know that this was a difficult decision to make. Numbers aside, you both were very even, with a slight edge to Andrelious in regards to overall story telling.

I have addressed specific issues in the comments of the posts, but beyond that, I have outlined my rationale in reviewing both stories presented and their adherence to our club's realism. I would like to express praise for both of you, but I need to finalize this verdict before it becomes verbose.

Andrelious wins, due to a slight advantage in story and only one noticeable error in syntax. Kz'set, perhaps consider a different set of eyes to review your posts again to catch any repetition and missteps going forward.

Thank you both.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants SWL Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, SBL Kz'set di Plagia
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
SWL Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
SBL Kz'set di Plagia's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Private Office
Last Post 19 May, 2015 12:32 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: One minor hiccup in regards to sentence structure, outlined in your death post comments. Rationale: You had several instances of repetition and some minor errors that I have outlined in the post comments.
Story - 40%
Deleted Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: You wrote a strong story, playing well on the traits of the characters and the knowledge you hold in regards to the Brotherhood as well. The action was enjoyable and the pacing held up throughout. Again, I'd like to iterate the strength of story demonstrated by how organically you integrated the aspects and traits of the characters into your writing. Good job. Rationale: You set the tone of the story well, leading it in such a way that your opponent was left to match the scenario you were designing. It's always refreshing to see an instance where it feels like all the posts involved play out in accordance with how you initially set it off. Dialogue was interesting and the confrontation was as well.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Only one error to speak of, and I outline this in your death post's comments. It is one mistake with how thoroughly you demonstration your knowledge of the character sheets throughout your writing, so you remain at a 5. Rationale: There were no apparent errors in regards to venue, Star Wars. You demonstrated knowledge of the characters throughout, however took a misstep when addressing his aspect, "Nasty Way to Go",, which I've outlined in the comments of your death post.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No apparent issues in Continuity. Rationale: No apparent issues in Continuity.
Deleted's Score: 5.0 Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia's Score: 4.85
Posts

You stand at the very top of the Shadow Academy—the great pyramid of Lyspair—in the offices of the Headmaster. A fire crackles merrily in the chamber, background noise for the battle yet to come. Two comfortable couches sit in the center of the long, ovoid room. Your eyes land on the desk opposite the fireplace, filled with datapads and forms. The yellowish glows of the flames illuminate the shelves of artifacts and holo-books surrounding the upper tier of the room. This was a private study, the place where the Headmaster of the Shadow Academy met his subordinates to discuss important matters.

Your eyes track beyond the desk, to an unassuming door which will lead directly to the Headmaster's living quarters. A side door to your immediate right leads to the more public office. The opposite door, standing on the left, leads to a private sparring room. You hear the soft rush of metal and cloth as your opponent pulls their weapon. Despite the sanctity of the Headmaster's chambers, the fight is inevitable. It was meant to be. As your hand drops down to your own weapon, you shift into a combat stance and prepare to draw.

Kz'set sighed slightly as he glanced around the vacant office of the Headmaster. It was clear the Verpine was here looking for something, but even he quite sure precisely what. He'd been told he'd know it if he saw it and it would somehow help Plagueis. Perhaps this was another mission he wasn't meant to complete. One more thing Vivackus could use to degrade him in the eyes of Plagueis. No, that wasn't quite it. There was someone else here, someone who either wasn't trying to be subtle about his presence or was being very sloppy.

Stepping behind the desk, Kz'set snapped around to face the door to the room. Standing in the threshold was a shorter and stockier human male that Kz'set didn't readily recognize. He was definitely a force-user as his lightsaber was quite obvious but Kz'set could not read much more than that about him. Kz'set stared at the man intently, his gaze being returned just as sternly. For a moment, neither said anything nor made any aggressive moves aside from hands drifting slowly towards their weapons. Eventually it was the human that broke the tense silence.

"Didn't expect to see anyone else sneaking around up here, much less an insect like yourself. Tell me, what are you here to steal?"

Kz'set clicked his mandibles together a couple times before answering, the whole time never releasing his glare. "I'm just early for my appointment, di Plagia stuff, nothing that concerns you. What are you here to steal, or are you the assassin Vivackus hired to kill me."

Andrelious chuckled at the suggestion. "Do I look like someone who even consider taking a contract from a Plagueian? That being said, if there is a bounty on you I'd happily collect it."

Kz'set flicked his antennae about in an attempt to get some feeling as to the man's intentions. He was getting a feeling that violence was imminent, but he needed another moment to finish his calculations.

"I doubt it's a very large bounty, assuming there is one. he probably figures there's plenty of people that would kill me for free. Are you one of them?"

Kz'set's words did exactly as he had hoped as they caused Andrelious to hesitate for just a moment , which was exactly what the Verpine needed. Taking advantage of the slight delay, Kz'set thrust out with the Force and sent the pile of datapads that were sitting on the desk flying towards the human at a considerable velocity. Since he was forced to dodge the flying devices, Andrelious was momentarily delayed in getting his lightsaber out. By the time his emerald blade had sprung into being, Kz'set was already spinning around the desk, lightsaber swinging for the human's torso. Andrelious was able to parry the strike, but Kz'set stayed on the offensive, attacking with precisely aimed strikes targeting the human's center mass. It was only because of his own considerable skill that he was able to ward off the attack.

Needing a moment to recover Andrelious waited until Kz'set was resetting after a furious combination of slashes and shot out a jolt of electricity at the Verpine. As the bolt impacted, Kz'set recoiled in pain and stopped his attack. As the insectoid staggered back, coming to a stop against the wall, Andrelious smirked.

"I've always wanted to zap a bug. How interesting."

Darth Renatus, 20 May, 2015 11:53 PM UTC

but even he quite sure precisely what.

Sentence reads like you missed a "wasn't" between "he" and "quite".

definitely a force-user

As a proper noun, the Force should always be capitalized.

As the bolt impacted, Kz'set recoiled in pain and stopped his attack. As the insectoid staggered back, coming to a stop against the wall, Andrelious smirked.

You began two sentences with "As the" in sequence. Consider applying more variance to improve the flow for the reader.

Having enjoyed inflicting pain on the alien, Andrelious moved forward. He felt that his electrical attack had given him the advantage, and was now determined to press that home.

“Let’s see if you’re as tough to deal with as those frakking B-Wings your race infested the galaxy with,” the Warlord hissed, moving his blade into an offensive position, using his weapon’s extra long hilt to its full potential. Kz’set, wounded though he was, soon recovered and moved closer to Andrelious, close enough that his own blade was once again in range.

The Force guided both fighters’ defensive movements as the momentum switched between them. Andrelious would attack, but would find the Verpine’s defences more than adequate, and then be forced to defend against a counter-attack. He had never met Kz’set before, and in fact had had no intention of killing the Battlelord – just teaching him a lesson would have been enough. However, as his frustration grew, Mimosa-Inahj found himself willing his own body on, to continue, to execute the insect before him.

Forcing a lightsaber lock, Kz’set focused on one of the large sofas, scooping it up with the invisible tendrils of the Force. With one slight wave of his hand, the Verpine hurled the furniture towards his opponent, leaping out of the way as it approached. Having sensed that his enemy was about to try something big, Andrelious turned just in time to see the flying seating, and slashed forward with his lightsaber. The emerald blade sliced into the sofa, destroying its arm and wrecking the upholstery. The inside of the sofa’s cushions caught alight from the heat of the blade, and smouldered away uselessly on the floor around the older Sith.

“So. You like to throw furniture. What else do you have in that arsenal of yours?” Andrelious taunted, trying to read what the tricky Verpine was going to try next.

Kz’set again clacked his mandibles. “Why don’t you try me and find out?”

Preparing to charge in again, Andrelious suddenly felt as if he was running along a cloud. To his shock, his opponent had lifted him into the air. A split second later, he slammed into a nearby bookshelf, sending its contents everywhere. The power of the throw was enough to bewilder the Warlord momentarily.

Smiling at the fact his plan had worked, Kz’set approached the Arconan, his amber blade ready. With a snarl, he swung forwards, aiming not to kill Andrelious, but to disable him.

“Big mistake, bug. You should always go for the kill!” the Warlord snapped, moving as quickly to his feet as he could to block the attack.

As the two lightsabers met at knee height, the Battlelord continued to look around the room. He studied the various items on the floor, on shelves, on tables. However, he was constantly forced to stop his planning and focus on Mimosa-Inahj, who was trying to use his physical superiority to drive Kz’set back. The Arconan’s blows were powerful, yet too fast to be easily blocked.

“And another thing. I don’t give a womp rat’s arse about Plagueian politics,” Andrelious stated as he looked to press home some kind of advantage. Still Kz’set’s blade remained solid, parrying each and every move that the Warlord tried, whilst offering plenty of danger with his own attacks.

Stepping back to improve his balance, Kz’set put his foot on the edge of one of the datapads that he had hurled at his opponent earlier. As it had landed screen side down, the device slid along the floor, just enough to cause the Verpine to stumble.

“I thought you were good with datapads,” Andrelious spat, almost appearing to redouble his efforts in the face of the Battlelord’s error.

Kz'set clicked at the Arconan's taunt as he continued to parry each blow. "When they're not being used as caltrops, yes, I am. That's not something that's in question." Kz'set stopped speaking for a moment to pant a moment as the exertion of the fight was starting to take its toll. "Why you're here still is. If you're not here to kill me, what are you doing here?"

Andrelious didn't seemed phased by the question. "Just because I wasn't sent to kill you doesn't mean I won't. You're Plagueian, that's enough of a reason to slice you in half as far as I'm concerned. Unless you're prepared to surrender and join us."

Almost simultaneously, the Verpine performed a skillful riposte with his lightsaber and his words. "Join Arcona? I'd rather be trapped in a Wookie bath house as the smell would be a right sight better."

"The smell is a lot better since your apprentice left." Andrelious replied with a slash at Kz'set's torso. Whether or not the intent of the comment was, and it probably was, to get Kz'set riled, it certainly had that effect. After redirecting Andrelious' saber upwards, Kz'set dropped his shoulder and started trying to drive Andrelious back into the wall. Even with the Force pulsing through him, Kz'set could only barely knock the Warlord back. While it was enough to push the Arconan off his balance for a moment, the attempted tackle had little other effect. A split second later, Andrelious sent a telekinetic wave right into Kz'set's thorax, knocking the wind from the Verpine's lungs and sending him stumbling back into the Headmaster's desk. As the desk stopped his movement, Kz'set landed on it in a sitting position.

"What made you think something like that would work you scrawny insect." Andrelious mocked, pointing his saber straight at Kz'set's neck.

Kz'set was able to get his saber up into a defensive position, anticipating a strike that didn't come. A bit surprised, the Verpine pulled himself upright. "Even I miscalculate sometimes, so what?"

"You should know by now that one miscalculation can get you killed. Even eating the wrong kriffing thing can get you murdered." Andrelious quipped in reply.

Kz'set chuckled a bit, his free hand heading to his waist in a surreptitious manner while he kept his saber clearly in the human's field of vision. "Thankfully my diet is well controlled. High in minerals, helps me keep a shiny carapace. Healthy for a Verpine, less so for you."

If it wasn't for the Force warning the human a split second before Kz'set pulled the trigger, the now drawn shatter pistol would have placed three slugs into the human's vital organs. Instead, one slug caught Andrelious in the shoulder of his saber arm and the other in the armpit as he dove out of the way, his lightsaber clacking to the floor in the process. Realizing that standing up right away would be a mistake, the Arconan rolled away from the downward slice of the Plagueian's saber and hit him with another shock to the legs. The immense pain of the blast caused the Verpine's knees to buckle, causing him to crumple to the floor against the desk.

Both combatants were now in pain on the now debris strewn floor of the office. Kz'set's clothes were noticeably singed in several places while Andrelious could barely move his saber arm which was now dripping in blood where the shatter pistol had ripped through flesh and bone. As he was nearer the door, Andrelious pulled his own blaster and weakly aimed it at Kz'set. As the Verpine came to his senses, the Arconan squeezed off two shots as he made for the door. Kz'set had just enough time to bring his saber up and block the more life threatening of the two shots, the other burning into his off arm just above the elbow. By the time Kz'set could get up, Andrelious was gone, disappearing down the corridor.

As much as Kz'set wanted to pursue, his body wasn't going to permit . Weakly slumping against the desk, he sighed.

"At least my miscalculation hasn't killed me. Yet. "

Darth Renatus, 20 May, 2015 11:54 PM UTC

a moment to pant a moment

Another instance of repetition, this time in the same sentence. Try to catch these and vary them up in order to get yourself a higher score in Syntax.

now in pain on the now debris

Again, repetition. Utilize a proof-reader, or a few, to catch these before you put up the post.

Additionally, much of this post hinges on Andrelious stopping to talk before killing you. This reads like an attempt to address his aspect regarding his leanings towards creative ways to kill but you never get that concept across.

Kz’set was not among the quickest of his species, and the recovery from his stumble took long enough, that Andrelious was already nearly on top of him by the time he was ready to duel. The Verpine raised his lightsaber just in time to parry away a powerful lunge that threatened to remove his head had it hit its intended target. Instead a shower of sparks burst forth from the weapons as they collided and immediately blocked each other’s movement.

Both fighters began to focus on what they did best: Andrelious using his physical superiority to try to overpower the Verpine, whilst his opponent listened to the whisperings of the Force to guide his blade into the correct position to counter what the Warlord was planning.

Jumping out of the way of a lower slash, Kz’set stared at his enemy for a split-second, appearing to concentrate on a point just in front of the Human.

Andrelious noticed that the area around him was becoming dark, and fast. Thinking quickly, he glanced over at the room’s exit, and activated its locking mechanism, flicking its switch with the Force. By now he found himself in a bubble of complete darkness, but he heard the Plagueian reach the door and curse in his native tongue.

“Nice try, bug. But you’re not walking away!” the Warlord taunted as the opaque mist around him faded into nothing. Kz’set considered trying to operate the door panel and leave anyway, but he suspected that Andrelious would simply chase him down and resume the fight in the corridor outside. Instead, he readied himself for another round of saber combat, the Force coming to his rescue as the Arconan charged in. Andrelious’ eyes were beginning to glow a shade of scarlet - the Verpine was forcing the Inquisitor to delve into his deepest reserves to find a way to defeat him.

Driven on by his frustration, Andrelious battered his opponent’s defences, but found them to be completely equal to the ferocious assault, even managing the occasional tricky counter attack that disrupted the Arconan’s rhythm. In actuality, Kz’set was finding it incredibly hard to keep up with the varied blows that his rival was producing, and found himself starting to feel the affects of fatigue. His arms were beginning to tire from the work of constantly parrying the unrelenting emerald blade, but still the former Proconsul pushed on, running more on determination to evade defeat than any genuine motivation to kill Andrelious.

Kz’set took a few steps back, towards part of the room that had remained mostly untouched by the two Dark Jedi. The Arconan followed, never more than a saber’s length away. Eventually the Verpine appeared satisfied with his location and stopped backing off, immediately attempting to go on the offensive. Blocking the attack fairly easily, Andrelious noticed that they had moved very close to the fireplace. The heat of the flames was enough to make him feel a little uncomfortable, but he pressed on with his attack.

With a snarl, the Plagueian leapt forward, giving his all to a move that slipped past the Warlord’s blade and made contact with his flesh, cutting into his side. Andrelious’ face contorted as pain coursed from the newly inflicted wound, but he stayed as strong as he could manage, stabbing his own lightsaber forwards before the Verpine could recover from the successful attack. The emerald blade dug into the Assassin’s shoulder, cutting into an upper arm muscle. Realising he had hurt his opponent, Andrelious followed up with a jolt of electricity, aiming at Kz’set’s bare legs. The Verpine stepped back again to try to avoid the attack, but, when he put his foot down, felt a severe burning sensation. He had stepped straight into the fire. Yelping, he tried to move back into the room, but Andrelious moved his body to block the Battlelord.

Heat and pain united to torture Kz’set, even as he kicked wildly at his opponent in a desperate attempt to escape the flames that were beginning to sear his skin. Andrelious stood unmoving, appearing happy to let the fire do his work for him as the Verpine panicked. After a few moments, the Warlord moved back a little, allowing his enemy to escape his fiery cage.

Falling forward as he exited the red hot fireplace, the Assassin found that his foot was far too severely burnt from its time in the flames to support his weight without a great deal of pain. With his shoulder injury and fatigue also affecting just how much he was capable of, Kz’set allowed himself to slump to the ground, holding his lightsaber as best he could.

“Well, my little Plagueian friend, looks like I get to test your clan’s motto out. You’re not doing a very good job at adapting. Let’s see how you cope with ascending!” Andrelious said, the final few words turning into a snarl as he manoeuvred his weapon around his opponent’s still determined, but wavering defence. With little effort, the Warlord sliced at Kz’set’s wrists, severing his hands. The Battlelord’s lightsaber rolled away, its amber blade shrinking into the now useless hilt. Its deactivation turned out to be the last thing its owner got to see, as Andrelious swung his weapon again, cutting through the insectoid alien’s neck.

“Not quite sure how you’re going to avail, either,” the Warlord stated, addressing Kz’set’s head as if it could still hear him.

With the battle won, Andrelious looked around the room. He studied the mess that had been made for some time, before shaking his head and leaving the room.

Next time, Kooki can do her own looting.

Darth Renatus, 20 May, 2015 11:56 PM UTC

Kz’set was not among the quickest of his species, and the recovery from his stumble took long enough, that Andrelious was already nearly on top of him by the time he was ready to duel.

The comma after "enough" breaks the flow of this sentence. If you take out the comma'd section, "of his species that Andrelious" doesn't flow together, while the sentence works much better without the second comma.

The Verpine stepped back again to try to avoid the attack, but, when he put his foot down, felt a severe burning sensation.

You set this up as Kz'set determining the location of the fight, then having him oblivious to the dangers of the location he had determined. If he was satisfied with his location, why would he be unaware of the fire to his back? Stat wise, you have +0 Perception and Kz'set has +3. If you took note of the fire, he most certainly did.