JK Zednich Wolfram vs. JK Scheat Eclipseflame

Dark Jedi Knight Zednich Wolfram

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Human, Obelisk, Juggernaut
vs.

Jedi Knight Scheat Eclipseflame

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Nautolan, Guardian, Marauder
Comment

Comment with the scores should sum up my feelings on what I saw. Both of you need to do a bit more research on your chosen combat forms as you don't seem to understand how they function. You also show very similar syntax issues, particularly with comma usage (or lack thereof). Zednich's posts were just a bit cleaner and his story a bit more entertaining.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants JK Zednich Wolfram, JK Scheat Eclipseflame
Winner JK Zednich Wolfram
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
JK Zednich Wolfram's Character Snapshot Snapshot
JK Scheat Eclipseflame's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Private Office
Last Post 4 June, 2015 2:47 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Zed Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Commas, needs more commas! Rationale: Same comma problem, plus a number of other noticeable errors.
Story - 40%
Zed Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Story was still not that original, but was still somewhat entertaining. Rationale: Good premise, but the first post didn't do enough to set up a conflict.
Realism - 25%
Zed Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: In your first post, I noticed that you were pretty much ignoring both your and your opponent's chosen martial arts forms and lightsaber forms, which continued into the second. For example, the sweep kick in the first post didn't seem to fit either K'tara (which uses shorter, quicker strikes) or Dulon (which is very Judo-esque. Second post had your opponent wear out before you did, but his Endurance is higher. Rationale: Same problem with not using your MA form. Yours is much more about reversing momentum, ramming into opponents seems out of character.
Continuity - 20%
Zed Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing of note. Rationale: Second post seemed to ignore the split lip you got in opponent's first.
Zed's Score: 3.8 Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.3
Posts

You stand at the very top of the Shadow Academy—the great pyramid of Lyspair—in the offices of the Headmaster. A fire crackles merrily in the chamber, background noise for the battle yet to come. Two comfortable couches sit in the center of the long, ovoid room. Your eyes land on the desk opposite the fireplace, filled with datapads and forms. The yellowish glows of the flames illuminate the shelves of artifacts and holo-books surrounding the upper tier of the room. This was a private study, the place where the Headmaster of the Shadow Academy met his subordinates to discuss important matters.

Your eyes track beyond the desk, to an unassuming door which will lead directly to the Headmaster's living quarters. A side door to your immediate right leads to the more public office. The opposite door, standing on the left, leads to a private sparring room. You hear the soft rush of metal and cloth as your opponent pulls their weapon. Despite the sanctity of the Headmaster's chambers, the fight is inevitable. It was meant to be. As your hand drops down to your own weapon, you shift into a combat stance and prepare to draw.

"Who are you?" asked Zednich, wary of his foe.

"Me? How can someone not know me. I would have thought that more people would be after the bounty on my head..." responded the blue skinned Nautolan. "Very well. I am Scheat Eclipseflame, smuggler and Jedi extraordinaire. I am also the proud owner of the newly painted Lobster. Thats my ship. Big bright red one. Its beautiful. But I'm rambling now. You are.... Zednich right?"

"How did you..." Zednich began.

"I told you I'm a smuggler. I need to know somethings. Especially other Jedi. Don't you work here?" Scheat asked with a smile. "And if you do why do you want to fight?"

"Some students want to speak with the headmaster without a meeting. I generally have to hold a few back." Zednich replied. "I hope you are smart enough to realize you aren't going to get past me."

The Nautolan laughed. "I know that. Lets just say I wish to expand my smuggler's guild. All I have are a few friends who help with my ship. No muscle you know? I want some new friends. New contacts. New allies. I had a group. A large one. They all left till I was down to four. I hear you like to spar. would you humor me with a match?"

"Smuggler's Guild?" the human asked. "Why would I join one Nautolan? As for the sparing match, I would always be willing for a little scrape. Weapons?"

"Join the Smuggler's Guild to make a difference. We stop slavers, and yes smuggler illicit goods, but we help." Scheat replied. "As for weapons. I only brought my lightsaber and my fists. Those seem good?"

"They will do just fine." Zednich replied.

Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia, 5 June, 2015 2:12 AM UTC

Noticed a couple times where ellipses are used in place of commas. There are also a number of improper forms of words in this post.

Zednich took a defensive stance baiting Scheat to make the first move. The Nautolan obliged and stormed in powering on his green blade. The Sentinel twisted and contorted dodging the blade as it danced around his body. Scheat’s frustration grew as he was having flashbacks to Starhunter’s Intergalactic Menagerie, and the “unwackable” droid. Zed suddenly dropped to a knee and spun his other leg around kicking Scheat’s feet out from underneath him. The Guardian heard his lightsaber hilt the marble floor, but he couldn’t see where it landed in the flickering shadows from the fireplace. Zed jumped on top of Scheat and started smacking him around but not using his full force.

“Feel free to tap any time young one.” Zednich told him.

The smuggler kept his forearms up blocking his faced as he cleared his mind sensing for this lightsaber. Scheat located his weapon and used the Force to call it to him. Zed rolled back to his feet as he heard the hiss of the green blade powering back on.

The Nautolan stood up still smiling. “Were trying to hit me or cop a feel.”

The teenager’s insolence boiled Zed’s blood. The Sentinel powered on his lightsaber and swung it with both hands on the hilt like a sledgehammer. The blades made contact with a thunderous eruption in the center of the room. Zednich pushed Scheat’s blade down below his shoulders and delivered a punched splitting the Nautolan’s lip.

“Any confusion with that one?” the Sentinel asked with a devious smile.

Scheat pushed Zed’s blade off his and spun backwards, his tentacles whipping around.

Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia, 5 June, 2015 2:15 AM UTC

(Bad Obi-wan impersonation) "Use the comma, Zednich!" (/Bad Obi-wan impersonation). There's a number of places where I noticed missing commas here. Don't be afraid of them, commas are your friend.

The Nautolan completed his spin, and continued to annoy Zed with his smile.

"Will you stop that?!" The human said.

The Nautolan only smiled as kicked out at Zed's stomach. Zednich used his juggernaut training to harden his skin, and merely laughed at Scheats attempt. Scheat used Zed's now hardened skin as a springboard to push himself away from the sentinel.

The Nautolan brought his saber to bear, swinging at Zed with all his might. Zednich tried to stop the swing entirely, but his saber was knocked upward. He brought his saber around to block three more of the Nautolans strikes before diving away from a fifth.

Zednich looked at his foe in a new light. He may be younger than me, but he is physically stronger. This is a bit embarrassing really. He brought his saber around, not fully trusting his teenage opponent. He saw the Nautolan concentrating.

Scheat focused everything he had. All his anger, his joy, his exhilaration. He used them up, and got rid of them. All that mattered was what he was calling on. The Force responded to his call, enhancing his speed. This time, he thought, I will win. Against all odds I will win.

Scheat sprinted forward, catching Zed off guard. He slammed his shoulder into the Sentinel and Zednich felt himself thrown into the air. He saw his foe smiling, and rolled backward, away from his foe. He stood up from the roll, only to have his foe ram into him again, his speed obviously enhanced. Zednich fell face first in the ground.

"Well then," he heard the Nautolan say. "I guess you were just trying to cop a feel."

Zednich felt his anger rising, and gave into it. He felt his strength growing, as the Force responded to his anger. He swung around viciously clashing blades with Scheat and his annoying smile. The two went through many clashes, neither gaining the advantage. Scheat, after a fifth saber lock, decided to risk an attack. With both blades locked, he kicked at Zed's crotch, dropping the human. Zednich got back up, managing to ignore the pain.

Scheat held out his hand. "Enough for today,"he said, "The fight is getting boring." With that Scheat turned and left. "Consider my offer," he said as he exited the room.

“Have you given any new thoughts to joining my Smuggler’s Guild?” Scheat asked, only half humorously. “You’ve seen how good I am.”

“Are you serious kid?” Zed asked. “Middle of a battle and you’re thinking about your smuggler group. Where is your focus? You’re going to get yourself killed, or worse.”

“I am focused!” The Guardian yelled back at the professor. Scheat began to slash harder and more erratically at Zed who continued to block the attacks with his lightsaber but did not counter attack.

“I sense anger and fear in you young Jedi.” The Sentinel said. “You’re beginning to doubt your skills and picture your pretty red ship in pieces aren’t you?”

Scheat’s fingers gripped tighter around his lightsaber hilt. “No, I’m not” He yelled back. “I’m picturing you dead at my feet.”

Zednich stayed back baiting the young Jedi to attack him. The Nautolan lunged forward with his shoulder leading. Scheat might have been smiling, but his teeth were clinched more like a growl at this point. All he could think about was destroying this human. Zednich kept his guard up blocking and deflecting Scheat’s volley of attacks. The Guardian carelessly tapped into his anger and used the Force to amplify his power. Reaching over his head the young Jedi began to hammer at Zednich. Zed used his Juggernaut training to bolster his strength against the heavy repeated blows. Scheat’s momentum started to fade giving Zednich and opening. The Sentinel used the Force to shock the possessed Jedi. As the Nautolan’s muscles clinched Zednich tackled him to the ground ripping Scheat’s lightsaber from his hand.

“Come back to me Scheat!” Zed yelled at him starring into his eyes.

The Guardian’s breathing slowed down as he looked around the room from the flat of his back.

“What happened? Did I win?” Scheat asked.

“No, you lost focus and opened yourself up to the Dark Side.” Zed answered as they stood up. “You seem like a good kid. I wanted to show you why you have to keep your focus and be careful of attachments. You clearly have a crew and ship you care deeply about, but they can be your destruction. It did not take much from me to get you angry. I have been down that dark path, and it isn’t easy to come back from. It is better you experience the potential nightmare here with me.”

“Thank you, professor.” Scheat replied. “The power I received from the Dark Side was remarkable, but I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I still feel a little cold.”

“Remember that feeling.” Zed said as he handed the Guardian his lightsaber back. “I am here to teach. If you want to know more, just ask. I think I can let you see the Headmaster now. You’ve earned it.”