JK Zednich Wolfram vs. JH Bentre Stahoes

Jedi Knight Zednich Wolfram

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Sentinel, Juggernaut
vs.

Jedi Hunter Bentre Stahoes

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Obelisk, Shadow
Comment

Okay, so this was a pretty good fight guys and I hope you walk away with some knowledge and come back better off for it! On the whole, I can see the strengths in both of you, but there is always room for improvement. Feel free to ask me personally if you have any questions about this judgement beyond my comments.

You both showed an understanding of the aspects of the characters, but a bit of difficulty in applying the different skills. Don't be afraid to ask others, especially the ACC staff, about the specifics of the abilities and their relative tiers if you aren't absolutely sure of them. Even I have to clarify something every now and then.

In the end, I have to render judgement, as always, and Bentre Stahoes earned the win with the higher overall score.

I look forward to your next fight.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants JK Zednich Wolfram, JH Bentre Stahoes
Winner JH Bentre Stahoes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
JK Zednich Wolfram's Character Snapshot Snapshot
JH Bentre Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 15 June, 2015 1:36 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Zed Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: I highlighted your issues in the comments. I stopped highlighting your references to Bentre as "Sith" outside of dialogue after the first post, but it is just as prevalent in your last post. Rationale: You had a few issues, highlighted in the comments.
Story - 40%
Zed Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Your story did its job but the scenario you set up wasn't very believable given the venue and the nature of the Massassi themselves, especially on a Taldryan planet. Rationale: You told an interesting and complete story, that implied more to follow whilst tying in what came before.
Realism - 25%
Zed Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You had several realism issues that I outline in the comment section. Rationale: You had several realism issues that I outline in the comment section.
Continuity - 20%
Zed Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: You had one apparent continuity issue which I outline in the comments. Rationale: There were no issues in continuity that made themselves apparent.
Zed's Score: 3.4 Master Bentre Stahoes's Score: 3.95
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

The Karufr jungle was an optimum place to hide weapons, supplies, and launch covert strikes. The Jedi had dispatched Zednich Wolfram to make an alliance with the Massassi, offering protection for use of their base. The Sith had sent one of their own to do recon for a future invasion under the false façade of offering a similar deal. The Massassi being a warrior culture deemed they would align with the strongest and pitted the two against one another.

A rush of emotions, smells, and sounds bombarded Zednich causing a wave of memories. This arena felt like home to him. The air was humid and smelled of blood. The Jedi had a bitter taste in his mouth from the adrenaline racing through his veins. Zed loved this feeling before a fight. For years he was a pit fighter for the Hutts in their underground battles and now it felt like he never left. The Sentinel looked his opponent up and down sizing him up for what was about to come next.

“What’s your name?” Zednich yelled over the noise coming from the Massassi. “I need to know where to send the body after we’re done here”

“I am Jedi Hunter Bentre Stahoes of Clan Naga Sadow.” The Sith replied.

Suddenly a large gong was struck and the Chief let out a tremendous cry. The fight was on. Zednich slipped on his brass knuckles and began charging at the Obelisk. Bentre pulled his blaster and began firing as he backpedaled. Bentre glanced over his shoulder looking for potential cover, but all he saw was the screaming faces of the Massassi. One of the blaster rounds struck a Massassi in the crowd killing him. The circled warriors only cheer louder as the body is pulled back through their stomping feet. Bentre fired again clipping Zed’s left bicep causing his body to twist with a grunt of pain but the Jedi continued to close in. Bentre saw he is out of room both behind him and in front of him. The Obelisk holsters his blaster and draws his lightsaber bracing for the Jedi’s first strike.

Zednich throws a heavy hook that connects brass knuckles with the Sith’s jaw. Bentre spins to the ground with wide eyes and a loose tooth in his mouth. The Jedi stands over the fallen Sith starring at him in the eyes.

“Did you know when you woke up this morning it was going to be your last day alive?” Zed asked.

Bentre stood up spitting out the tooth and blood. “You seem like you’ve done this before.” The Obelisk said flicking his finger at the scars on Zednich’s neck and jaw line.

“I was born into this.” The former pit fighter took off his shirt exposing a host of scars all over is back and chest with a future one on his arm lightly bleeding from the blaster round moments before. “I will give you one chance to leave. Clan Naga Sadow might kill you for failing, but you have a chance to survive. You could also just run away from it all. The Jedi responded.

The Massasi warriors hissed all around them at this display of peace. They wanted their fight.

“Those scars only tell me that you get hit a lot.” The Sith sniped back as he powered his blue bladed lightsaber back on with cheers from the Massassi.

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2015 11:53 PM UTC

The Jedi had dispatched Zednich Wolfram to make an alliance with the Massassi, offering protection for use of their base. The Sith had sent one of their own to do recon for a future invasion under the false façade of offering a similar deal.

You should pay more attention to the venue descriptions. The Massassi are aligned with Clan Taldryan, and as a race are a subspecies of the Sith. Setting up this premise hurts how believable the story you are trying to convey is.

The Sith replied.

Your opponent is an Obelisk, and Human. Which nullifies both current applications of the term "Sith". This wouldn't be an issue in dialogue, as it is safe to assume a Jedi would use a blanket term, but you are referencing this in the meat of the story, to denote who he is.

Bentre fired again clipping Zed’s left bicep causing his body to twist with a grunt of pain but the Jedi continued to close in.

Be more wary of the tiers of your skills. At +1 Endurance, this is borderline believable but could get you in trouble if you fall on the wrong side of the line.

Bentre saw he is out of room both behind him and in front of him. The Obelisk holsters his blaster and draws his lightsaber bracing for the Jedi’s first strike.

You tense danced here. "Saw" is past tense, while "is" is present. As well, the last sentence is present tense while the writing thus far has been past.

Zednich throws a heavy hook that connects brass knuckles with the Sith’s jaw. Bentre spins to the ground with wide eyes and a loose tooth in his mouth. The Jedi stands over the fallen Sith starring at him in the eyes.

This entire paragraph is in present tense, against the tense you have set before and after. Additionally, your opponent has +3 Athletics, which governs his ability to move, whilst you have +1. It isn't realistic for your first blow to connect so easily, with no apparent restrictions to his ability to move. Small typo at the tail end, "starring" should be "staring". Again, he is not "Sith".

“I will give you one chance to leave. Clan Naga Sadow might kill you for failing, but you have a chance to survive. You could also just run away from it all. The Jedi responded.

Missed the closing quote on the dialogue.

The Massasi warriors

Should be "Massassi".

The Sith sniped back as he powered his blue bladed lightsaber back on with cheers from the Massassi.

"Sith" again, and a slight continuity error. You wrote Bentre as drawing his saber but never igniting it, so "back on" is out of place. This is a small tick, but I wanted to point it out so you might improve.

As the Obelisk looked over his opponent again, he found himself cracking a smile. “As much as your oh-so-intimidating claims are, I do have to ask a question.” The Human bounced his weight from foot to foot a bit, looking for all his swagger, like an overeager child. “I can deal with this,” Bentre opened his mouth, placing his tongue where his tooth used to be. “Smarts like you wouldn’t karking believe, but I-” He stopped mid-sentence as Zednich lurched forward to strike.

Stahoes sidestepped quickly, and then retreated backward just as promptly. It looks like I might be making him a little angry? He waved a finger in mocking rebuke. “I think I can probably keep running a little longer than you can, buddy boy.” He raised his armory lightsaber up a little higher as he shifted uneasily. He tried his best to hide his discomfort. Let’s hope I am not poking the beast a little too hard, here.

The Sentinel did not seem to be too fazed by his words, stepping forward in determined stride. “You aren’t going to beat me by dancing around like a crazed rabbit.” The Jedi smiled knowingly at the Obelisk. Keeping his right side toward Bentre, he moved forward, causing the Corellian to flinch. The human Sentinel kept his hands up, watching his Assassin opponent turn in anticipation of the next attack.

Before Bentre realized what was happening, Zednich bounded up with frightening speed. The Jedi activated his own lightsaber, striking out at his opponent’s hands. Instinctively, Stahoes brought his own weapon down in hard block, pain shooting up his arms as he did so. As the armory lightsaber dropped from his hands and clattered to the ground , Bentre stepped backward.

“I won’t have to chase you too much.” Wolfram smiled grimly at his opponent, spinning his lightsaber deftly and kicking at the dark sider’s weapon as he stepped forward menacingly. “I will just have to hit you hard a couple of times.”

“Nice plan,” Bentre placed a hand over his eye as he drew his blaster out again. When he dropped his hand, his eye had become a glowing red. He circled around toward Wolfram’s right, holding his familiar weapon out as though in warning. “I have been through a lot though, even before I started taking out little upstarts like yourself. This old blaster and I have killed more people than I can even care to remember.”

He took three steps back as the Jedi stepped toward him. “This will be simple enough: I kill you, take my prize, and I keep all those Sith happy.” A dull pain thundered in his head. He didn’t want to admit it, but after getting hit in the mouth, he was finding his focus slipping a bit. I need to remain lighter on my feet. If I were, maybe I wouldn’t have dropped my lightsaber.

“You see,” Bentre continued, “ I don’t think all those folks back in my clan are going to be very happy if I die here. I know the old man in Sapphire is going to be really pissed and I don’t think you want him coming after you. The Obelisk jeered at Zednich down the barrel of his SC-14. “So come on already, consider this an act of mercy. Let’s end this.”

Darth Renatus, 16 June, 2015 12:10 AM UTC

The Human bounced his weight from foot to foot a bit, looking for all his swagger, like an overeager child.

The placement of the commas makes this sentence somewhat awkward in flow. While not necessarily a mark against you, something to keep in mind.

Keeping his right side toward Bentre, he moved forward, causing the Corellian to flinch.

Good use of the character sheets, applying the intimidation factor from your opponent's sheet.

Zednich bounded up with frightening speed.

I assume he used amplification here to increase his +1 athletics, however it isn't portrayed in the writing.

his own weapon down in hard block,

Should be "down in a hard block".

“ I don’t think all those folks back in my clan are going to be very happy if I die here. I know the old man in Sapphire is going to be really pissed and I don’t think you want him coming after you. The Obelisk jeered

Missed the closing quote on this one.

Bentre opened fire, but Zednich snapped his lightsaber on quickly and began deflecting the rounds. The Jedi began to close the distance between his enemy and him. With his lightsaber somewhere in the stomping feet of the Massassi, Bentre could feel his heart pounding louder with every step the Sentinel took closer. Zed got close enough to cut the Jedi Hunter’s blaster, but when he swung to slice the Sith’s hand off Bentre pulled his weapon back. The Obelisk countered by pistol-whipping the Jedi’s head and sending Zednich to one knee. The Obelisk saw an opening and began swinging nonstop. Zed dropped to all fours and then face first onto the muddy ground. Bentre kept striking down with the hilt of his blaster. He didn’t know nor did he care where his strikes were landing as long as they hit the Jedi at his feet. Through the oppressive head pain and loud cheers of the Massassi warriors Zed mustered the strength to reach out and grab the ankle of the Sith while giving it a hard pull bringing the Obelisk down. Zednich rolled away to catch his breath.

Zed slowly stood up to feel the back of his head which was bleeding. “You’re gonna wish you hadn’t done that.” He said.

Bentre responded as he sat on the ground breathing heavily and shaking his arm trying to revive his exhausted muscles. “The blood pouring out of your head says otherwise.”

The Sith stood up and something felt weird. He couldn’t move his leg. Panic stricken the Obelisk holstered his weapon and with two hands started to pull at his leg. It was like he had grown roots into the ground. The Sith looked up at an incoming Zednich who had is hand up like he was holding Bentre’s foot down. Zednich was using the Force to keep Sith’s leg in stasis. Before Bentre could fully piece together what was happening it was too late. The Jedi began leaning into the Sith like he was a heavy bag and began delivering heavy blows to the mid section and ribs. Bentre grimaced and hollered in pain as the Massassi warriors cheered on. They could sense the end was near.

When Zednich stopped punching, Bentre fell to the ground like he had no bones. The Jedi played to the

Massassi warriors throwing his arms up in the air. On the ground the Obelisk reached for his vibroknife. The pain of all the broken bones was excruciating and his boot seemed light-years away, but Bentre wasn’t going down without a fight. The Sith got his fingertip in the grip and pulled the blade. In one motion he recoiled his body and flailed for the Jedi’s femoral artery. The gasp from the circled warriors clued Zednich to the fact the something was happening behind him. Quickly the Jedi spun igniting his lightsaber. A vibroknife plunged into Zed’s thigh missing its intended target but still hitting the general mark. The Sentinel swung his blade cutting Bentre’s hand off still clenching the blade and swinging back cutting off the Sith’s head.

The Massassi Warriors erupted and picked up Bentre’s head running off cheering head up in the air. Zednich dropped to the ground and began to tighten his belt above his wound. The Chief walked up the Jedi and extended his hand.

“You mind if I stop bleeding first, before we discuss terms?” Zednich asked.

The Chief nodded as he helped the Jedi to his good leg.

Darth Renatus, 16 June, 2015 12:21 AM UTC

but Zednich snapped his lightsaber on quickly and began deflecting the rounds.

Continuity misstep here, the saber was already active in the previous post without being deactivated.

Bentre responded as he sat on the ground breathing heavily and shaking his arm trying to revive his exhausted muscles. “The blood pouring out of your head says otherwise.”

You're doing a good job portraying both the CS aspects of your opponent and keeping in line with the personality established in Bentre's posts.

who had is hand up like he was holding Bentre’s foot down.

Should be "had his hand up". As well, at +3 Stasis you are definitely able to lock down an appendage, but keep in mind duration. "A very short amount of time".

The Jedi began leaning into the Sith like he was a heavy bag and began delivering heavy blows to the mid section and ribs.

Minor repetition, "began leaning" and "began delivering".

The Jedi played to the [HARD RETURN] Massassi warriors throwing his arms up in the air.

Not sure what happened here, but it seems a wild hard return attacked you mid sentence.

Chief walked up the Jedi and extended his hand. “You mind if I stop bleeding first, before we discuss terms?” Zednich asked. The Chief nodded as he helped the Jedi to his good leg.

While this is consistent with the story you attempted, it is not realistic with the venue and nature of the Massasi.

“Do you have any idea who you are talking to?” Zednich’s face twisted into a wry grin. “I told you, I was born for this. You should stop worrying about me,” the Jedi began running at an angle. As Bentre tried to draw a bead on the muscular frame, the the Jedi shifted his weight, sending himself into another direction.

“You are making this too easy.” the Obelisk muttered as he corrected his aim, and pulled the trigger. The blaster bolt easily found its mark, causing the Sentinel to let out a cry. The Massassi around them erupted in cheers. “I hope you have another trick in your book, buddy.”

He knew that the Jedi could not hear him over the din surrounding the pair, but he secretly hoped that his opponent could push back this setback. The Jedi Hunter wasted more than enough time sitting behind the console of a shuttle traveling from mission to mission.

Who can deny a chance to kick some Jedi ass when the situation presents itself? Bentre felt an innate desire to prove himself against someone who boasted so many battles.

The Sentinel grunted as his eyes glazed over slightly. A vein in his forehead was throbbing visibly now. With a wild cry, the Jedi charged forward, his eyes taking on a feral quality.

It didn’t take much for Bentre to sidestep the haphazard charge, though. He sidestepped easily, taking a few pot-shots as the Juggernaut passed him. The blows hit the Jedi’s torso but it didn’t look like he was as fazed as was expected. Instead, he kicked off the ground and brought his fist hard around a smooth motion.

Every fiber in Bentre’s body screamed, as he twisted just out of reach of the blow. Instead, the metal knuckles stuff his shoulder, causing him to wince, and pain radiated from the point of impact.

“Valiant effort,” the Assassin commented as he backpedaled. “Really, but come on n-” the next blow followed close behind, and the Jedi Hunter let out a gasp as he managed to step back just beyond his opponent’s reach.

“Stop talking,” Zednich growled, lunging forward into another strike.

“No, no, no I don’t think so.” Bentre shook his head, changing direction quickly to keep out of the Juggernaut’s reach. He took rough aim, and loosed two shots at the Sentinel, aiming for the feet this time. One shot made its mark, the other hit the ground noisily. “

The Massassi’s cries were growing into a dull roar now as Wolfram kept pushing his advance, even as each other step was drawing a painful wince.

“You have plenty of strength, I will give you that.” the Obelisk loosed another two shots, one into the Jedi’s thigh, and another into his torso. The looks of pain in the eyes and the slowing of his strikes made the final conclusion pretty clear. “I can keep running longer than you can. I don’t have to be but a little bit faster.” As the Sentinel’s movements slowed, his opponent had more chances to take shots freely.

“But see, my power pack is getting a little bit low, now.” Bentre leveled a final shot, bringing the inside of his elbow up into his off-hand palm to stabilize. “So as fun as this has been, I think we are going to have to finish up here.” With that, the Jedi Hunter pulled the trigger twice in quick succession, hitting the Sentinel in the center of his chest, and sending him backwards with a crash. He did not move immediately but after a moment tried to turn over with a groan.

“See, I cannot have you running back to your little pow-wow of Jedi. I am sure they would find this planet so very fascinating, but that data is above your clearance level, anyway.” the Assassin tilted his head with a smirk, placing Wolfram’s head in his direct sights, and pulling the trigger. The blaster smoked, but the its discharge could not be heard over the crazed screams of the Massassi.

As soon as I hike back to the Taldryan Military Institute, I will send my report to old man Locke. Then I will have to send a nice little message to Keirdagh and Howlader both while I am at it. I am sure the Consul and Proconsul will be displeased to know that a Jedi got onto their planet. He sighed, Good thing a disciple of Sadow was here to save the day.

He had smirk at that thought.

Wait until master Daedric hears about this one.

Darth Renatus, 16 June, 2015 12:38 AM UTC

the the Jedi shifted his weight,

"the the" is both repetition and a syntax error.

The blows hit the Jedi’s torso but it didn’t look like he was as fazed as was expected.

You're attempting to play into the "superhuman" quality of Rage here, but this is a little much. Even in a full on rage, at higher than +1, this would cause someone to stagger.

hard around a smooth motion.

Should be "hard around in a smooth motion".

Instead, the metal knuckles stuff his shoulder, causing him to wince, and pain radiated from the point of impact.

Considering the extent of the Rage you have established here, this would more or less break your bone... A bit more than a wince.

hit the ground noisily. “

This little guy looks lost. I think he ran away from his job closing your dialogue at the end of your other post! What a fiend!

So, in addition to the above, I'd like to comment on the entirety of your ending session. Rage doesn't last this long, especially at +1 as is the case with your opponent, so you are pushing the realms of what is realistic with the sheer amount of plasma you pump into your opponent without putting him down. While this is Star Wars and a certain level of beyond real is expected, it still needs to be real within those confines, and hot plasma has a habit of killing people in far fewer shots than you unleashed.

However, I do like how you tied the story up at the end, leading to a bigger picture than just the hear and now, implying what actions were to come if this were to be just a snapshot in a full story.