JK Jo Sunni vs. GP V'yr Vorsa

Knight Sandrin

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Epicanthix, Sith, Marauder
vs.

Guardian Peacekeeper V'yr Vorsa

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Neti, Guardian, Sorcerer
Comment

This was a fairly good story hall match. Both of you demonstrated attention to the character sheets and adhered to them, while playing to the strengths of the characters.

In the future, try to focus on creating more of a story - this is the story hall after all. This is more than just a singular event, make it a snapshot into the lives. Provide set up, and hint at what is to come. These are the things that elevate content above and beyond just so many words upon a page.

As well, any and all of us have need of proof-readers. I refused for the longest time, both due to personal anxiety and hubris. I understand both sides of the coin on this, however I have found a proofer I trust and am better off for it. It is not a failing to do this, and will make the syntax section almost a non-entity in judgements.

All in all, the better told story, and more consistent syntax, of V'yr Vorsa grant them the win in this round. I look forward to your next match.

Hall Scenario Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants JK Jo Sunni, GP V'yr Vorsa
Winner GP V'yr Vorsa
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
JK Jo Sunni's Character Snapshot Snapshot
GP V'yr Vorsa's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Krayiss II - The Desolation
Last Post 22 June, 2015 7:30 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Governor Tierra Suha'sen Uun Suu
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: While generally sound, you had a few mistakes that I have outlined in the comments. Rationale: Ongoing issues throughout where extra words are added unnecessarily, or — inversely — are missing entirely. A proof-reader will assist in catching these and help you improve your Syntax score in the future. Your second post was an improvement over the first in this, try to keep that up.
Story - 40%
Governor Tierra Suha'sen Uun Suu
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You told an interesting story based on the situation created, though it could have been more fleshed out and engaging. Filling in the gaps made by Jo could have helped push this up to a higher grade. Rationale: The story was serviceable, but the situation you set up wasn't as clear as it could be. What was the driving motivation for being there? What exactly was going on?
Realism - 25%
Governor Tierra Suha'sen Uun Suu
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing stood out in this regard. Rationale: Nothing stood out in this regard.
Continuity - 20%
Governor Tierra Suha'sen Uun Suu
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Actions and events carried over between posts. Rationale: Actions and events carried over between posts.
Governor Tierra Suha'sen's Score: 4.45 Uun Suu's Score: 3.9
Posts

You stand on the Sith World of Krayiss II, a harsh, brutal land of deserts and mountainous terrain. During the battle for control of the planet, one of the deserts received a name from the Dark Jedi who fought there: the Desolation... and it was named with good reason. You've heard the stories about the desert. Heard about the sand traps, the pitfalls, and the quick sands that are scattered throughout the Desolation. Jagged, obsidian formations—hidden by the natural black sands—are a health hazard for those who do not mind their step.

Darkness sweeps across the desert leaving the hazards nearly invisible. The black of night causes the temperature to plummet and the bone-shattering cold sweeping over the barren sands saps you of your stamina. But the hostile environment is not your only concern. Somewhere in the middle of the darkness, in the vast emptiness of the desert, your opponent lies in wait. You begin to move slowly across the black sands, narrowly avoiding a fall into a dark abyss, and force yourself to continue. Nothing is going to stop you. And by either nature or blade, another victim is going to succumb to the Desolation.

The young female Epicanthix and converted Jedi Knight – Jo Sunni had the daunting mission on herself, in a place similar that she used to curiously discover and seek out for the truth once she was blinded by the Sith. Enveloped by the haze and darkness, Sunni was once again traumatized suffering the freezing cold and unfriendly burning hot wind. As she walked away slowly from the ship she landed – Ghtroc Class 720, her long hair was blown hard such that it was dancing freely. Unusual and unrealized by the female Epicanthix, her eyes was dry and sore, turning her hazel eyes back to lighter crimson colour. She crept quietly to get clearer vision on what ahead of her, however, she failed. This time the Jedi Knight was forced to use her natural instinct to find out what’s been happening here on the ground of Sith World of Krayiss II.

Few miles walking away accompanied by the pounding sand and shivering cold, Sunni was suddenly stopped as she could notify unexplainable something wrong with the sand itself in gloomy. There were at least five sand holes that had diameter around two and half meters, surrounding the Knight. “What are they? I don’t think they are going to be friendly.” Sunni’s left hand approached in rush grabbing the lightsaber on her right hip, igniting the icy blade as soon as she could, while pointing the tips of the saber to the cracked desert sand. “I am ready for them,” she cautiously stood and observe her intimidating surrounding. Krayiss Two ground seemed to having earthquake followed by the sandstorm, causing the epicanthic eyes blurred and blinded for a while. The blow of the wind made her thrown and pushed back quite far, separating the Knight and her lightsaber.

Sunni fell supine when she was identifying the source of the sand hole. There appeared several dark brown creatures that had many cracks on their hardened skin with dark brown spikes from their back. She had not yet encountered for real the kind of the creatures, even though she had been informed their presence of these feared creatures, which was called Zakkeg and somewhat similar to huge predator lizard. Nonetheless, it was highly unlikely to appear such creatures due to extremely harsh climate. "Something is not right," Since the Epicanthix Knight incapacitated, Sunni initially had thought herself getting killed tragically by these aggressive creatures. Besides, her lightsaber disappeared in severe sandstorm and powerful blow, only to make her waiting for her excruciatingly painful death by Zakkeg. Nevertheless, deep inside within her heart, she had still hope, the force was quite strong with her to guide and always accompany her, wherever she was in threatening situation and condition.

Vorsa was uncomfortable and distressed in this place. It was hostile, dark and saturated with evil so much so that she felt it penetrate her, body and soul. A lesser mind wouldn't have even stepped out of the ship, but she had little choice. The young Jedi Knight she was tracking seemed to have landed here of all places. A desolation such as this was no place for them.

The wind intensified, as if to push her back towards the safety of her ship. The harsh sand shredded the bandages on her feet little by little as she progressed, and the darkness prevented her from seeing more than several feet in front of her - but she could sense well enough.

She sidestepped again, moving away from another hole in the ground - the fourth so far - and stopped, trying to establish her bearing. She sensed a faint aura, very faint, not a long ways away. It had to be Sunni. No one in their right mind would live here. She continued on her original path and came upon a ship already half-buried in the hostile sands. It was Sunni's no doubt. She could barely feel the girl's presence, but it was there. The aura was clearer near the ship, and it seemed to lead away from it.

Thank the Force, I've found a clue. Now to find the girl. Vorsa thought as she evaded another hold in the ground and proceeded further.

A slight disturbance in the Force gave her pause. Confusion? Anxiety? No. Fear. She could now sense the general mood coming from the girl. She was so very close. Picking up the pace she rushed towards the disturbance, hoping she wouldn’t barge into one of those holes at this crucial moment. Her saber was already in her hand, ready for ignition should worse come to worse. The Neti sensed something more around the girl as she approached, faint auras - animals.

Am I late?. She pushed against the soft sand and with a mighty leap landed inches from Sunni her, now ignited lightsaber lighting up the darkness.

"Who are you?" The Epicanthix asked in confusion. Sunni was clearly startled by the display, but the aging general had little choice but to focus on her adversaries now. Three in total, she sensed, surrounding them. A dozen feet long, at least. Strong. Dangerous.

She thought about soothing them, connecting with them through the Force, but they seemed distressed, and there were too many. Her mind raced against the clock, thinking of possible scenarios and outcomes, and none of them seemed to end well for the two Jedi. Biting down on her lip she moved back, closer to Sunni, to keep her from danger. Her movement didn't go unnoticed. One of the beasts leaped at her, talons and teeth aiming to rend her to shreds. With a flick of her wrist a pressure wave materialized in front of the monster, sending it back with enough force to break any humanoid in half. Another leaped and met the same fate. The third withdrw several feet back, sensing danger.

Vorsa yelled over the gust, "can you fight?" She asked in a distressed tone, trying to rush the Knight into action.

Sunni stood up in response and called her saber to her open palm, igniting the cerulean blade. Blue and orange light danced across the sands, illuminating the visages of the predators circling just beyond reach. The Neti steadied herself, calming her emotions and sending some of her serenity to Sunni. The two knew little about each other, but in a survival situation you held on to any ray of hope, and right now their only hope was themselves.

"Calm. Be at ease. Evade and strike. Aim for the neck." Vorsa sent the Epicanthix a telepathic message, hoping she would listen but just as she finished her thought, the first Zakkeg attacked.

The young female Epicanthix was in utter desperation, reaching out for her first constructed lightsaber. It was a lucky day for Sunni when she found the enchanted crystal, Permafrost, deep within the ice-encrusted surface of Planet Hoth during her deadly solo mission into a Jedi Knight’s life. The Knight stood up and listened to what V’yr Vorsa, a Neti Peacekeeper suggested and felt in peaceful heart. She responded in a soft and faint voice, “Yes, I think I can still manage to f—ight”. Not long after, she heard the ancient and experienced Neti Guardian Peacekeeper saying “Calm. Be at ease. Evade and strike. Aim for the neck”. Jo Sunni evaded the first Zakkeg’s relentless attack. Even without being so well trained in Makashi, she could manage to outmaneuver the monster. She had a chance to jump over it while twisting her body; she identified the vital nerve, incapacitating the huge monster lizard with a downward slash. The Epicanthix Knight had successfully taken down the first Zakkeg. “I can do this, but, how long I am going to survive?” she asked curiously to herself.

She landed from the twisted jump safely and upright, waiting for another incoming ferocious attack from the Zakkeg. Unlike her twin, she could not control or feel like one with the beast, nor even ride the creature! Nonetheless, this time was completely different. The beasts seemed to realise that their companion died, and attempted to attack aggressively all together. “There we are, this is going to be brutal” , Jo Sunni thought for a second. There was no place to hide and run since the sand dust deterred the Epicanthix’s vision. The only hope for her to survive was to evade the multiple attacks and wait for further assistance, or to attack aggressively, aiming for the neck and such - which would eventually wear down her power. “I don't care if this drains me, but the least I could do is survive” , she commented. The Jedi Knight gave an opening salute, taking up a stance to accept whatever challenges that might come from her opponent. The saber was held in one hand, brought up vertically directly in front of Sunni’s face, then swung down in a Makashi flourish.

She didn’t realise that at the back another sand hole appeared, swarming with Zakkeg as they poured out. Turning her head slowly to face it, she realized something far more terrible than anyone could imagine. Before she could react, a jolt of electricity arced towards her. Too slow to respond, Sunni did not notice the danger before a stream of lightning lifted her off her feet. Injured, the Knight was concerned for the safety of herself and her companion, V’yr Vorsa, and yelled to inform the Neti of the danger, “Watch your back!” Another time, Sunni fell down hopelessly, finding that her back was in great pain. “I’m down.

"Sunni!" Vorsa allowed a barely audible shout as she moved to cover the Knight. The wind fought her body, tipping her balance and making it difficult to move easily, but she managed. The zakkeg beasts surrounded them so that they had no way to escape. They attacked one by one, jumping at her from different angles and only with her ability to sense the beasts, and her saber, was she able to keep them at bay.

Her blade was a blur, slicing at their barely exposed necks, maws and feet. She fell two of them before a third caught her forearm with it's claw, forcing her to drop her saber. She continued to fight on by pushing the beasts away with the Force. As two of them lunged at her she released a telekinetic wave in all directions, throwing them dozens of feet away, only to fall on one knee from fatigue. It was taking a toll on her, pushing herself like this, and she wouldn't last much longer.

The zakkeg stopped suddenly, frightened, hesitant and regrouping. She would not lose this opportunity. The Neti dragged the young Epicanthix from the ground onto her back. Her wounded right arm would have proved too weak to carry her in any other way. Sunni let out several yelps as the pain from her back shot through her body but calmed down shortly.

Easy now. I am getting us out of here. the Neti comforted the girl and recalled her lightsaber to her hip. She focused, deeply focused on what was to come next. Timing was everything. Either she succeeded or they would both die.

She sensed them circling, waiting for an opportune moment to strike again. The sand and wind kept her from seeing them but she felt them well enough. And finally it came, from multiple directions. The zakkeg leaped again but pushing with all her might and every ounce of concentration she could muster, the Neti sprang from her position into the air and away from the animals.

The landing was hard but manageable. Luckily there were no pitfalls underneath. Immediately Vorsa darted into a half-sprint, following the echo of their auras back to the ships. She sensed the zakkeg behind her and forced herself to move faster. Avoiding the pitfalls she remembered were there, she finally passed Sunni's shuttle, now hardly recognizable through the sand. Her legs ached and the sand in her eyes obscured her vision but she managed to find what she was looking for - a faint light in the darkness. her own shuttle.

As her feet hit the ramp of her own shuttle, Vorsa bellowed a command at her astrodroid, "R5 assume the controls. Get us airborne, now!" She placed Sunni on the floor before closing the ramp. The shuttle jolted as it hovered off of the ground, before blasting into the heavy storm, towards safety.

Vorsa sat next to Sunni and looked her over, "That was stressful. Please refrain from doing these kinds of things again."

"I...'m sorry, Councillor." Sunni replied honestly and dragged herself closer to a nearby wall, leaning against it and relaxing a bit.

The Neti gave her best impression of a sigh, and smiled, "It is alright. As long as we are safe. Now, let us take you to New Tython."