Dark Side Adept Kell Palpatine Dante vs. Dark Jedi Knight Delak Krennel

Dark Side Adept Kell Palpatine Dante

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Obelisk, Marauder
vs.

Dark Jedi Knight Delak Krennel

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Obelisk, Juggernaut
Comment

It was nice to go over this bout, as it was clear from the onset that there is an existing relationship between the characters. Unfortunately, this also brings with it an onus on the writers to build upon that. The building blocks were there for an engaging story that brings the reader into your world and lets them experience it rather than just perceive the words on the page.

The best recommendation I can give, for both of you, is to build on the story. These encounters are more than just mere snapshots and don't be afraid to delve into the feelings and memories associated with them. Build the world, describe how one is to experience this as your characters are experiencing it. Do that, and your scores will go up.

The winner of this match is Kell Palpatine Dante.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1 Day
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Dark Side Adept Kell Palpatine Dante, Dark Jedi Knight Delak Krennel
Winner Dark Side Adept Kell Palpatine Dante
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Dark Side Adept Kell Palpatine Dante's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Dark Jedi Knight Delak Krennel's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 5 August, 2015 3:55 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: Didn't find any noticeable issues in your syntax. Rationale: I have elaborated on the points I found in the post comments. The biggest thing to be aware of is your tense jumping.
Story - 40%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your story was technically sound enough. You alluded to a relationship and existence outside this singular snapshot of a battle. However, it wasn't particularly engaging or interesting. You seemed to hit your stride by your final post, but pushing it more throughout would have earned you a higher score. Rationale: You managed to slip in references to the "greater story" that this bout is just a snapshot of. However, the fiction wasn't particularly engaging for the reader. Try to elaborate more on the actions and sensations, draw the reader into this world. Doing so will help you reach a higher score.
Realism - 25%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: I've highlighted the realism issues in the post comments. If you aren't sure on the differences in the scales, don't be afraid to ask questions of the staff. Rationale: I've touched on the issues that stood out to me in the post comments. Make sure you understand the Character Sheets at play.
Continuity - 20%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: In your final post, you introduced medics and a bar that were otherwise non-existent as part of the venue. Rationale: No apparent issues.
General Kell Palpatine Dante's Score: 3.75 Tribune Kanal O'neill's Score: 3.4
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

There are about fifty Massassi Warriors standing in a circle around Delak and another Dark Jedi, they have their weapons raised in the air as they are shouting and cheering for the coming battle. Delak could sense something familiar around him, it was that of his Master, Kell Dante. Delak walks forward into the middle of the circle and watches as Dante slowly turns to face him.

“Delak, it is nice to see you again my apprentice. I see you have regained your rank of Dark Jedi Knight and are therefore worthy of my time once again.” Kell stated.

“Indeed Master. My shame is now undone, I reclaim my title and my place by your side. Why are you here Master?” Delak inquired earnestly.

“You see the circle before you and you know not why we are here? Defend yourself Knight,” Dante said quickly as he pulled his lightsaber and launched a sneak attack on his apprentice.

Delak quickly pulled his crimson blade out and ignited it just in time to catch Dante’s blow. The two lightsaber blades sparked and fizzled as they clashed together. Delak felt the weight of the Dark Adapts blade pressing against him as he was pushed backwards in the dirt. He could not hold his ground as a path was being made in his wake. Delak leaned backwards onto the weight of his left leg and flipped backwards with his right leg springing up into the air kicking Dante’s blade out of his hand. The blade went flipping through the air and while it was still in midair Dante grabbed for his dual blaster pistols and snapped off a few shots to distract Delak. He blocked the blaster fire and watched as Dante re-holstered his blasters and grabbed for his saber. He caught the saber and the battle continues. Dante pressed the attack swinging left and right at Delak pushing him backwards until he runs into the circle of warriors behind him. They grabbed his arms and threw him back into the fight with Dante. Dante punched Delak in the face as he was thrown back into the center of the circle. Delak falls to the ground with one knee on the ground and one hand planted firmly in the dirt. He could feel the blood dripping from his lip. He wipes the blood with the sleeve of his shirt.

“Very good Delak, I see you haven’t lost a step. You still won’t beat me though.” Dante said.

Darth Renatus, 6 August, 2015 2:01 AM UTC

Throughout this post, you jump between present tense and past tense.

Delak felt the weight of the Dark Adapts blade pressing against him as he was pushed backwards in the dirt.

This should be "Dark Adept's".

Delak leaned backwards onto the weight of his left leg and flipped backwards with his right leg springing up into the air kicking Dante’s blade out of his hand.

This is a realism issue. On Dante's CS, he has +3 Precognition and +4 Athletics. It isn't realistic that this would work, especially at the beginning of the fight.

He blocked the blaster fire and watched as Dante re-holstered his blasters and grabbed for his saber. He caught the saber and the battle continues. Dante pressed the attack swinging left and right at Delak pushing him backwards until he runs into the circle of warriors behind him.

This is an example of the tense jumping I mentioned. You go from past, to present, to past, then present again.

Delak falls to the ground with one knee on the ground and one hand planted firmly in the dirt. He could feel the blood dripping from his lip.

This is good realism! You took into account his might and your endurance. Try to do this more!

The older man just grunted and said "We'll see..." with a smirk on his face. "I remember when you were just a buck private."

Kell grinned and said "Yes, I remember those days too. I was pretty much of a snot nosed kid when I was fifteen," the Field Marshal said as he pressed his attack on the kneeling trooper. Keeping his saber at mid-level, Kell tried a kick to his opponent's stomach, but his subordinate felt the incoming attack and rolled away from the blow as it impacted lightly to his abdomen.

Falling backwards, Delak didn't go onto his back but instead jumped forward and tucked and rolled back onto his feet with his saber at the ready.

The crowd cheered as the fight continued between the two battle-worn Obelisk. Training though it was, the bloodlust could be felt throughout the arena, but the two warriors would probably not succumb to the call for death.

Moving forward, the Obelisk leapt towards Delak and brought his purple saber down on his opponent with all of his weight and force.

The older man brought all of his strength to bear against the much younger man, and the Force amplified the move to throw the Quaestor back about four meters.

Smiling, Dante quickly brought his guard up and said "It is time to end this particular session, I am sure you will be down at the end of it, but I must say this has been one of my more enjoyable dueling sessions as of late. Let us finish this."

"Good luck to you as well," said Delak as he moved forward to complete this particular dance of death.

Darth Renatus, 6 August, 2015 2:01 AM UTC

Falling backwards, Delak didn't go onto his back but instead jumped forward and tucked and rolled back onto his feet with his saber at the ready.

Realism issue, you have him falling backwards and then jumping forwards. Without more elaboration this just doesn't make sense.

The older man brought all of his strength to bear against the much younger man, and the Force amplified the move to throw the Quaestor back about four meters.

With +1 Might and +2 Amplification, against your +4 Might (not including the +5 Amplification)... There is no realistic way Dante would be thrown four meters.

 Delak and Dante circled each other with lightsabers raised above their heads, the energy surging from the handles of each of their sabers. Delak led into Dante and they clashed their sabers together with sparks and hissing coming from their blades. The red blade seemed to merge with the purple blade melting them into one for seconds at a time. Both men continued spinning in and out clashing sabers one or two hits at a time. Delak lunged at Dante ending the dance they had been entangled in. He stabbed straight into Dante’s abdomen but Dante through his higher powers in the force quickly sidestepped the blow and while Delak was still mid lunge Dante landed an elbow on the back of his head knocking him swiftly to the ground. Dante dropped downward on Delak’s back with another elbow drop landing it square in his back. Delak screamed in pain as Dante smiled from ear to ear. Delak rolls out of the way and slowly climbs back to his feet. The warriors in the circle were chanting and cheering loudly for the two Dark Jedi. They were all screaming for a deathblow.

Delak grabbed his blaster rifle and took a few pop shots at Dante, he deflected them easily. Feeling confident Dante ran headlong into the blaster fire. Delak switched the blaster to stun quickly and jumped over top of Dante as he lunged into him. Delak shot Dante in the back with his stun blaster and hit his mark three times. Dante fell to the ground with a heavy thud, the sound of his armor was noticeable as he hit the ground. The crowds who were cheering so loudly stopped cheering because they knew there would be no death blow. 

“Dante, you may be younger than me but, I taught your father most of what he knew. He in turn taught me a few things. You may have more strength in the force but I have more street smarts when it comes to these situations. You will have the day eventually. For now you will lay in the sun.” Delak finished.

Darth Renatus, 6 August, 2015 2:03 AM UTC

Not sure what particular markdown caused this "code view" block, but try to check your post preview to catch these things.

Dante through his higher powers in the force

"Force" is a proper noun, should always be capitalized. Also, in the future, try to expand upon the experience of the Force as it plays out, don't just declare "higher powers". Was it a tugging warning? A voice in his ear? These types of things.

Delak grabbed his blaster rifle and took a few pop shots at Dante, he deflected them easily.

I would assume "pop" should be "pot" here.

Delak shot Dante in the back with his stun blaster and hit his mark three times.

This just isn't realistic. With Dante's level of speed and skill in Precognition, he would have to be in a sorry state to begin with for a simple "flip over shoot in the back" to connect.

You may have more strength in the force but I have more street smarts when it comes to these situations.

"Force" again.

The two experienced warriors lashed out with their sabers and sparks flew as the weapons impacted one another.

Another cheer rose up from the crowd as the action heated up. Even with the age and experience factor, Delak was managing to keep up with the much younger and skilled Obelisk as Kell tested the combat abilities of his “apprentice.”

“Well, my dad always did say that you had more shot off than just an arm and a leg,” retorted Dante as he parried Delak’s diagonal thrust and launched a vicious overhead counterattack of his own.

“Only rumors…” Krennel grunted as he augmented his block and tried to push the larger man back again. Failing, he jumped back and retorted with “All those parts are still there.”

Dante decided it was time to end this sparring session and launched himself at Delak. As the older man steeled himself for the attack, Kell landed short and then did a reverse flip back to an en garde position.

Sensing his opponent’s confusion, the Field Marshal let out a slight blast with the Force that was meant to do little damage, but he quickly followed it with his saber coming in with a sweeping diagonal slash from right to left that forced Delak to block it or else risk being bisected. As their blades were locked, Kell sent an augmented punch into his apprentice’s head.

Even though it was just a glancing blow, the younger man was able to follow this up with another augmented physical attack with a knee to Delak’s stomach. Forced to bend over, the back of Krennel’s head was soon met by a final blow from the Force and Dante’s hand.

Falling on his face, the battle hardened veteran was still alive, but he would be taking a nap for the next few hours.

With the battle at a conclusion, the medics tended to the unconscious human as Kell headed over to the bar at the training facility. The Massassi cleared a path as the large Corellian made his way through the throng of warriors, and he received quite a few hearty pats on the back as he went by them.

Darth Renatus, 6 August, 2015 2:03 AM UTC

With the battle at a conclusion, the medics tended to the unconscious human as Kell headed over to the bar at the training facility.

Have to dock you slightly on continuity here. This is a Massassi Temple, not a training facility, merely training grounds. No medics or bar.