Dark Jedi Knight Darkblade vs. Guardian Ingram Thorpe

Dark Jedi Knight Darkblade

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Anzati, Krath, Seeker
vs.

Proselyte Ingram Thorpe

Novitiate 4, Novitiate tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Human, Sith, Shadow
Comment

This was a good match that was left to, almost entirely, story. You both demonstrated a good understanding of the characters, though there was a minor hiccup in this regard by one of you.

The major points of contention in this judgement comes down to the implementation of story, thankfully, as you both were more or less on par in the other categories. Neither of you stood out as "holding the reigns" of the story's direction, both managing to build on each other's contents. That's good and you should keep doing so in your future writings. However, as stated in the rationale section, there are ways you can improve the story itself and gain higher scores.

Keep those in mind, and get yourselves some more effective proof reading, and you will do well here on out.

The winner for this match is Darkblade Bladedark.

I look forward to the next time I read from each of you.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Dark Jedi Knight Darkblade, Guardian Ingram Thorpe
Winner Dark Jedi Knight Darkblade
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Dark Jedi Knight Darkblade's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Guardian Ingram Thorpe's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 13 August, 2015 7:06 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Ingram Thorpe Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: I've highlighted the issues found in the comments. Rationale: I've highlighted the issues found in the comments.
Story - 40%
Ingram Thorpe Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You took your opponent's prompt and tried to build on it, but from there on out left a serviceable and technically correct story that didn't snag the reader's attention. Focus on showing the world to the reader, the sights and smells, the sensations. Paint an image in the mind of the reader and hook them hard. Rationale: You did a good job setting up the story and a serviceable background. On the whole it was written well and technically complete, but wasn't as engaging as it could be for the reader. Breath life and personality into the characters, hook the reader, and get them trapped in your words craving more.
Realism - 25%
Ingram Thorpe Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: I outlined the realism error in the comments. Rationale: No glaring issues were apparent.
Continuity - 20%
Ingram Thorpe Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues in continuity. Rationale: No issues in continuity.
Ingram Thorpe's Score: 3.8 Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade's Score: 4.05
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

Darkblade stalked across the rooftops, watching carefully as his target moved through the bustling side streets of Nar Shaddaa far below him. Having masked his presence the Krath knew he would be completely untraceable for the the Sith through the Force. It had been hard to track the human down, as he seemed just as capable of masking his presence as the Anzat. Finally, after a three day hunt, Darkblade had finally managed to get a visual on Ingram, and had been following him for two days now.

What the Sith was looking for though was still a mystery to the Knight. Sometimes it seemed he was just running around with no real purpose, and sometimes he headed off towards places with a clear intention. More than a few times however, the Krath noticed that the Guardian was easily distracted by shiny objects. This brought an idea to the Anzat, and he had prepared a trap just slightly ahead of the Human.

Up ahead of Ingram the street turned into a 4 way crossing, where he noticed a slight scuffle, hearing blaster shots and screaming. The passing people gave a wide berth in the middle of the crossing as the Sith pushed his way to the center. There he saw a Rodian lying on the ground, shot between the eyes. The other victim, a human, was pleading for mercy as he tried to stuff his intestines back inside his cut open stomach. The attacker, another human, stood over him with a vibrosword, and chuckled slightly. “Tell me and my partner,” he said as he waved his sword lazily through the air towards his companion, “where you stashed the jewels you stole from us and I’ll make it quick and painless.”

The victim started to go into shock, but pointed towards the street heading to the right generally known as a dead end. The human flopped to the floor, his guts finally spilling out onto the street as the life fled from his eyes. The crowd quickly rushed in to scavenge any valuables from the fallen criminals, and swept the two killers aside. The Guardian started to shuffle towards the street he saw the now deceased human point towards, interested in the mentioned jewels. Darkblade had him hooked now, and watched as Ingram fell into the trap. As the Sith made it to the end of the mentioned street the two killers from before dove up behind the Sith. They had been hired by the Krath and would do his dirty work for him.

As the two assassins closed in on the Sith, Darkblade aimed his Lanvarok at the Guardian, took aim and fired with a smirk on his face. However, the Anzat’s smirk quickly faded from his features as he realised his projectile wasn't heading towards its intended target. Instead, it struck one of the assailants, the Krath rolling his eyes as the body tumbled to the ground. I really need to practice more with this thing, the Knight thought to himself.

Sighing, he watched as the Sith turned around, as quick as a snake and within the blink of an eye assessed the situation before him. He dodged the incoming attack with ease and reached for his blaster. As he got in behind his assailant, Ingram turned sharply on his left heel, pivoting his body around and fired off a shot at point blank range into the back of the enemy human’s head. The result was an explosion of gore, as bits and pieces of the skull flew across the street in all directions, painting the walls with the now deceased human’s brain. The now headless body slumped to its knees and fell chest first into the street with a sickening thud as blood gushed out and quickly flowed through the street.

Darkblade raised an eyebrow in surprise, he hadn’t expected a blaster, let alone that the Sith seemed so proficient with it. Jumping down from his vantage point, the Knight made his way down to street level, and after a few jumps from roof top to rooftop, he landed a comfortable distance from of the Guardian, weary of the blaster and turned to address him.

“Impressive work there, i didn't expect that at all Ingram.” the Krath said. “I’ve been tracking you for days wondering what you are doing out here. I’d like to know now.” The Anzat emphasized the last word with a growl.

The Sith had other ideas though, and brought his blaster to bear while pushing off with his feet and going into a sidewards dive towards Darkblade's left as he aimed down his barrel sights and pulled the trigger.

Darth Renatus, 16 August, 2015 4:42 PM UTC

Good job setting up a background to the encounter without it feeling forced or disjointed.

Having masked his presence the Krath knew he would be completely untraceable for the the Sith through the Force.

It would have been nice to have more elaboration on the focus required to do this, considering you only have +1.

Finally, after a three day hunt, Darkblade had finally managed to get a visual on Ingram, and had been following him for two days now.

You repeat "Finally" in this sentence.

More than a few times however, the Krath noticed that the Guardian was easily distracted by shiny objects.

Good use of the aspects, but maybe incorporate it a bit more organically next time, describe the kind of things that drew his attention, etc.

two killers from before dove up behind the Sith.

The phrasing here is a little awkward. Maybe a different verb would ease this up.

As the two assassins closed in on the Sith, Darkblade aimed his Lanvarok at the Guardian, took aim and fired with a smirk on his face.

You aimed and then took aim. Case of repetition.

he landed a comfortable distance from of the Guardian, weary of the blaster and turned to address him.

This should have been "wary".

“Impressive work there, i didn't expect that at all Ingram.”

The "i" should have been capitalized.

In truth, Ingram knew he was being followed since a few days ago. Every now and then he felt a flickering presence through the Force, fleetingly, like an echo, only to dissapear again a few moments later. It made him quite self aware of his surroundings. Ingram suspected a Force user, no one else could track him like this but it was difficult to identify the stalking presence, the number of people was just too great and the moments, when they did occur, too short. Over the past few days he visited all sorts of areas and the echo seemed to follow. The space port, the shipping docks , a shady bar called "Junkyard", the presence flickered momentarily everywhere he went. Ingram regretted leaving the bar, he would be an easier target sitting at a bar stool but he was sure he could take his opponent down in the ensuing chaos. Nobody would mind an extra corpse anyway and nobody would ask any questions later.

Ingram fired his blaster mid-air and then rolled to recover from his dive. The bolt had not struck its target, instead hitting a nearby building. He was out in the open and had to improvise his way out. Ingram recognized the figure as Darkblade Bladedark, a Krath and fellow member of Clan Naga Sadow. The large crowd which until this moment watched in fascination began to hurry away, Ingram decided to run along, hoping to shake his tail in the process. He tried to dart his way through the crowd, pushing people aside, he looked back at the scene and saw that Darkblade wasted no time pursuing him and was already catching up behind him. The Krath seemed intent on fighting him although Ingram couldn't get figure out why, al he knew was that Darkblade was a threat at the moment, a threat to be dealt with before it could cause any more problems.

As Darkblade began to catch up Ingram switched to more aggressive tactics. He looked back once more, readied his blaster and fired upon Darkblade. Darkblade ignited his purple lightsaber and deflected the shot into the air.and Now they were both in the middle of the crowd, dodging Twi'lek's, Trandoshian's, Rodians and Humans alike. Darkblade was now almost upon him and tried to stab one of his legs with the tip of his lightsaber. Ingram had to think fast if he wanted to keep ahead of the Krath. While running, he grabbed hold of a Human civilian, put one arm around the throat, turned around to face Darkblade and pressed the blaster against the civilian's back with his other hand. Then it all happened fast, Ingram fired several times. The agonizing scream of a human filled the air, even more people screamed in response. The eyes of his opponent widened in shock. Two of the blaster bolts ripped through the body, one of them hit his asailant in the lower torso area while Ingram dropped the lifeless husk. Darkblade tried to cover the wound with his left hand, leaving him vulnerable. Ingram tried to repeat the maneuver with a Rodian, this time Darkblade anticipated and reflected the bolts back at Ingram directly. Although the dead body of the Rodian caught the brunt of the attack, one of the bolts had hit Ingram's right shoulder. As Ingram dropped the body he realized there was no way out, the crowd had dispersed and only one of them would win this fight.

Darth Renatus, 16 August, 2015 4:45 PM UTC

like an echo, only to dissapear again a few moments later.

This should have been "disappear".

Ingram couldn't get figure out why, al he knew was that Darkblade

This should be "all".

Darkblade ignited his purple lightsaber and deflected the shot into the air.and Now they were

Not sure what happened here, may have been that you decided to separate one sentence into two and some shrapnel made it through.

Twi'lek's, Trandoshian's

These aren't possessive, so no need for the apostrophe.

Two of the blaster bolts ripped through the body, one of them hit his asailant in the lower torso area while Ingram dropped the lifeless husk.

This is a realism error. Blaster bolts tend to dissipate on contact with an un-shielded surface, so you couldn't shoot through the body without creating an opening first.

Darkblade anticipated and reflected the bolts back at Ingram directly.

How did he do this? With his lightsaber I presume, but you shouldn't have your reader performing guesswork like this.

one of the bolts had hit Ingram's right shoulder.

Show the reader how this would feel, make this have impact and it will help your realism score.

Ingram looked frantically around him, trying to find somewhere to flee to, but his path was blocked by the Krath. Darkblade had to hand it to the Guardian standing in front of him. The quick thinking of the Sith had caught the Krath by surprise and resulted in an injury the Knight had not anticipated. The agonizing pain to his abdomen had halted his attack instantly. As Darkblade saw the Sith prepare to do the same procedure, the Anzat panicked and somehow miraculously deflected the bolt that had raced towards him back at Ingram, striking him in the shoulder.

The crowd had dispersed and left them both standing in the streets, more or less. The Krath stood hunched over, holding his left hand towards the wound and trying to figure out how he could stall for some time to heal his wound. Gathering the Force, Darkblade thrust his hand out towards the Sith and enveloped him in darkness. Knowing he only had a short window to do this, the Knight immediately focused on healing his wound. “Smart move Sith, I can appreciate that kind of innovation. Don't think you can catch me off guard again.”

The human was surrounded in complete darkness, he couldn't see the blasted Krath but he could hear him. Not really knowing what this was that had suddenly come over him and robbed him of his vision, the Guardian took a few careful steps forward. Keeping his blaster at the ready in his right hand and clutching his right shoulder with his left hand, the Sith focused his mind and allowed the Force to “see” for him. There in front of him, stood Darkblade who seemed to be concentrating on healing his wound. The Knight was silent for once, and this seemed like a perfect opportunity to keep him so forever. The darkness already seemed to be starting to fade away, wanting to take this chance to end the fight Ingram took aim and prepared to fire a bolt between the Anzat’s eyes. At least his face will look better the Sith thought to himself.

Suddenly, the Anzat stood straight, looked straight AT the Guardian and this caused Ingram to falter. How can he see me, this must be a bluff the human thought as he stepped to the left. Darkblade didn't lose eye contact, and the morale of Ingram started to falter. Fear started to creep into his mind and he realized he had already lost this fight. His last ditch effort would buy him some time, to either try to finish the fight or run to live another day. Leaning towards fleeing the battle and hiding amongst the citizens of the Nar Shaddaa, Ingram made up his mind. Quickly scanning around him and noticing a small alley up ahead to his right. Looking again at the Anzat, who had now unleashed his tentacles and proceeded to take a step forward. Knowing he would become “soup” if he didn't act quickly, the Guardian rushed towards Darkblade and started to turn towards the alley. Hoping to catch the Krath off guard, he projected a spitting image of himself and led it into a straight on dive towards the Knight, hoping to confuse or distract him long enough so the Sith could slip into the alley and buy himself some much needed time.

Right before Ingram began to turn, the Anzat spoke up, in a somewhat pained and exhausted voice. “After all your creativity, and you decide to run. I feel i have wasted my time on you long enough Sith.” When he spat out the last word Ingram felt his left knee lockup and found he was unable to move it. Stepping down hard the jolt shot through his entire leg, causing a sharp pain to emulate around his knee as it took the brunt of the jolt. Unable to bend his knee, Ingram missed his opportunity to take the alley and it flew past him as he crashed into the ground, skidding to a halt before the Krath on his belly. His blaster still somehow in his hand, he aimed it upwards trying to get off a shot and pray that he would get lucky.

Without any warning, Ingram cried out in agony as he felt his body being punished by a powerful shock of electricity. Dropping his gun, the Sith was now disarmed, disoriented, beaten and spread out on the ground in front of the Anzat. The Knight reached down, grabbed Ingram by the collar and started to drag him through the streets of Nar Shaddaa back towards his ship. “Your spirit is weak, you shall be nothing more then a light snack sadly. But I have to make due with what I am given.” Darkblade said. As Ingram started to slip into unconsciousness he heard the same words over and over as the Krath mumbled to himself. “So hungry. It’s been too long.” This time the darkness that followed Ingram was permanent.

Darth Renatus, 16 August, 2015 4:46 PM UTC

As Darkblade saw the Sith prepare to do the same procedure, the Anzat panicked and somehow miraculously deflected the bolt that had raced towards him back at Ingram, striking him in the shoulder. The crowd had dispersed and left them both standing in the streets, more or less.

This is a minor error but needs to be addressed. You are going over the same writing that just played out in your opponent's section without really adding more to it. That makes it superfluous. If you are going to do this, add something upon it rather than reiterating.

How can he see me, this must be a bluff the human thought as he stepped to the left. Darkblade didn't lose eye contact, and the morale of Ingram started to falter.

Would have improved your story score to have elaborated on the "how" of it.

I feel i have wasted my time on you long enough Sith.”

Lower case "i" should be a capital.

The chase had led them away from the four-way crossing into one of the neighbouring smaller streets. It was one of the parts everyone on the Smuggler's Moon tried to avoid if at all possible. Ingram got his bearings, reached out through the Force and faced his opponent. Loosely packed bundles of exposed overhead wiring blocked out the majority of light from Nar Shaddaa's ubiquitous towers with small beams managing to creep through the branches. Dimly lit neon signs, hooked up to nearby stationary generators illuminated both sides of the street. Ingram felt the pain racing through his shoulder. He looked at the wound for a moment. Even in this light he could see a large inkwell of blood already covering the upper left side of his clothing and slinking downwards still.

Ingram knew he had to do something, anything while he was still able to press the offensive. The Anzat was clutching the wound with his left hand while shifting his stance in anticipation of an attack. Ingram sprinted towards his foe, slid down onto his knees along the floor and fired his blaster at Darkblade. Before he could get up the predator grabbed him by the throat, lifted him off the floor, walked to the nearest generator and slammed Ingram's body into it. He grew more terrified as the activated lightsaber drew nearer to his body. The hue from the lightsaber accentuated the Anzat's features. The once relaxed expression from their initial encounter completely gone. Instead, stone cold eyes devoted to a single purpose, squirming tentacles near the nose and mouth trying to act on their natural instinct.

As a last resort Ingram delivered a blow to the torso with his right knee. The body of the Anzat backed up to protect itself. Ingram reacted instantaneously, pounding the head of Darkblade against the generator and hurling the body down to the ground.

Ingram yanked one end of an electrical cable from the generator. The electrical current was still active, the blue lights dancing rhytmically around in the coil. Ingram walked over to Darkblade, who was still clutching his torso wound with his left hand. Covered in blood and slurring his words he didnt make nearly such a confident impression as when they first confronted each other only minutes ago.It was time to get some answers from his fellow Clan member and to see how tough he really was....

Darth Renatus, 16 August, 2015 4:47 PM UTC

Usually short isn't bad, but in this case I have to point out that your final post should bring a conclusion to the current encounter and, hopefully, hint towards the story that will follow. Here, you just sort of fade out at the end. It is abrupt and leaves the reader looking for more.

Before he could get up the predator grabbed him by the throat, lifted him off the floor, walked to the nearest generator and slammed Ingram's body into it.

Bear in mind that Darkblade has only +0 in Might. Without high level amplification, this isn't within the realms of realism.

the blue lights dancing rhytmically around in the coil.

This should be "rhythmically".