Battlemaster Lucyeth vs. Knight Bentre Stahoes

Warrior Lucyeth

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Sorcerer
vs.

Dark Jedi Knight Bentre Stahoes

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Obelisk, Shadow
Comment

This was rather standard fare from a story perspective, as there was nothing that really stood out and hooks the reader. What I did see, however, was the potential for much more from the both of you. You have the foundations on display but could benefit from an extra pair of eyes (or a more efficient set) looking over your posts. It is critical that anyone in the ACC maintains cohesion with the Character Sheets of the participants, as this can really effect a match, and even a story.

Please refer to my comments to get a break down of much of what I saw, though repeated mistakes I stopped commenting on after the first few.

With the scores and comments laid out as they are, I am able to render judgement in declaring Bentre Stahoes the victor.

I look forward to the next time you both are in the ACC.

Hall Rivalries
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Rivalries
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Lucyeth, Knight Bentre Stahoes
Winner Knight Bentre Stahoes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Lucyeth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Bentre Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kamino: Landing Platform
Last Post 5 September, 2015 5:42 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Lucyeth Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: You had several issues in this regard that I have commented on in the individual posts. Rationale: Pretty good for the most part but you still had issues which I have highlighted in the comments.
Story - 40%
Lucyeth Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You did a good job setting up the scenario but there was no real excitement to the story. It maintained the same level throughout and never elevated itself to something that truly hooks the reader. Rationale: You took the concept and ran with it, but never added to it to make it your story as much as your opponent's story. Doing so would have helped elevate your score.
Realism - 25%
Lucyeth Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: There were several realism issues pertaining to abilities and how the characters adhere to the Character Sheets. Please refer to my comments. Rationale: No realism issues that stood out to me.
Continuity - 20%
Lucyeth Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You seemed to forget about the NPC and environment that you yourself established in the first post. Rationale: You did a good job wrapping back around to the NPC and environment set up in the first post, but you swapped out a vibroknife for a vibroblade between posts.
Lucyeth's Score: 3.05 Master Bentre Stahoes's Score: 3.85
Posts

Landing Platform

Lightning shatters the sky and strikes the spire atop the cloning complex towering before you as you step off your ship and onto the rain-slick landing platform. Kamino, the Planet of Storms, is known for its roiling seas and constant torrential downpour.The fall of the Galactic Empire hit the planet’s primary export of military cloning projects extremely hard, but the Kaminoans remained afloat, both figuratively with contracts to galactic warlords, and literally with the brilliant engineering of their iconic seaborne cities.

The initial landing pad is a wide circle designed to accommodate a variety of ships, and is connected to a series of other platforms as well. Every surface is slick with rain, but avoids flooding due to the sloped edges that allow the water to run off into the sea below and away from the centerpoint.

The cloning facility’s exterior is characterized by similar slopes, and raindrops rapidly transform into steam as they touch against the series of lightning rods around the platform, much like they would if they dripped onto a lightsaber blade. You wonder which is deadlier as you observe the violent arcs of electricity course through the pylons.

History tells of the fateful encounter between Obi Wan Kenobi and renowned Bounty Hunter Jango Fett. The doors of the facility are sealed, which means that whatever challenge awaits you, will have to be faced in the heart of the omnipresent rainstorm. What history will you write?

The rain poured down on the cloaked figure like pellets as he strode quickly to the entrance of the city above the sea. The architecture was engineered to keep the Kaminoan society above the sea even while it constantly rained on their buildings on the deep blue. It seemed to keep on raining and the warrior was overjoyed to get out of the weather and inside not that is mattered anymore because his cloak was now soaked. The Kaminoan representative walked up and greeted the palatinaean with a slight bow that Lucyeth kindly returned. An engineering world that has seen its success during the days of the clone wars, the Kaminoans were looking for another client for a potential project while the clan was looking for a cloning project for reasons that emperor did not yet reveal. The Kaminoan representative led Lucyeth into a large room with incubation chambers and broke a smile towards the battlemaster.

“As you can see, we are more than ready to whatever needs are necessary for your employer,” said the representative. Lucyeth rubbed his chin at the thought of the word employer and chuckled.

“I think we can work something out,” replied Lucyeth with a smirk. The Kaminoan frowned at the young palatinaean’s answer and Lucyeth was not sure why but was eager to hear an answer.

“We have another client that is interested and I was hoping for a more worthwhile agreement,” stated the Kaminoan. Lucyeth didn’t understand but before he could ask someone yelled at him. A heavily scarred stranger in a jacket came out of the shadows and Lucyeth cursed under his breath that he was unable to detect him assailant as he pointed a blaster at the battlemaster.

“Don’t move any further, I am claiming the deal in the name of clan Naga Sadow,” stated the stranger and the anger flared inside Lucyeth as he attempted to grasp what was going on.

“You must be quite skilled that I couldn’t detect the force in you. A typical Sadow playing his cards in the shadows rather than taking his actions out in front of them,” yelled Lucyeth with the hatred seething from every word.

“Don’t insult me Scholae slime. I am Bentre and I am quite skilled with illusions,” stated the Bentre with a hint of modesty.

“Great magic tricks clearly,” taunted the battlemaster resulting in Bentre boiled over with rage. He was clearly insulted by the comment and fired his blaster. Lucyeth was too quick as he used all his rage into his hand. The concussive force was enough to knock the blaster wildly in the air. The bolt rang into the ceiling and Lucyeth reached for his lightsaber at his waist belt. The palatinaean smiled at the sudden change of events.

“Should have fired the blaster when you had the chance,” said Lucyeth with a smirk. Bentre already had his lightsaber in hand when Lucyeth ignited his blade with a crimson hue.

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2015 4:03 PM UTC

and inside not that is mattered anymore because his cloak was now soaked.

Should be "not that it mattered".

The Kaminoan representative walked up and greeted the palatinaean with a slight bow that Lucyeth kindly returned.

"palatinaean" should be capitalized.

An engineering world that has seen its success during the days of the clone wars, the Kaminoans were looking for another client for a potential project while the clan was looking for a cloning project for reasons that emperor did not yet reveal.

This whole sentence has an awkward flow to it. You missed a "the" between "that emperor" as well.

The Kaminoan frowned at the young palatinaean’s answer and Lucyeth was not sure why but was eager to hear an answer.

Again, "palatinaean" needs to be capitalized.

that he was unable to detect him assailant as he pointed a blaster at the battlemaster.

Not sure what you were trying to say here but as is, it should be "his assailant".

You must be quite skilled that I couldn’t detect the force in you.

The "Force" is a proper noun.

I am Bentre and I am quite skilled with illusions

Illusions have nothing to do with concealing yourself in the Force. That would be "concealment".

stated the Bentre with a hint of modesty.

You might want to spend more time reviewing the Character Sheet of your opponent. This isn't realistic to his personality, particularly the "she let him pontificate..." aspect.

“Great magic tricks clearly,” taunted the battlemaster resulting in Bentre boiled over with rage. He was clearly insulted by the comment and fired his blaster.

Again, realism issues with the CS usage. Look at your opponent's resolve, as it relates to how well they can keep a level head.

Lucyeth was too quick as he used all his rage into his hand. The concussive force was enough to knock the blaster wildly in the air. The bolt rang into the ceiling and Lucyeth reached for his lightsaber at his waist belt.

It isn't as clear as it could be what is going on here. You mention that the blaster is knocked wildly in the air, then the bolt goes into the ceiling? That reads to me like the blaster was sent flying, not just pointed upward.

"Hey now, I came all this way out here and got myself soaked in the cold and the rain. I am sure you can imagine how pleased I was to see this lot brought someone else here." The Corellian shifted his hands on his weapon a little uneasily and ignited the weapon with a snap-hiss. His face, now illuminated by a sapphire light, was twisted in a hungry grin. "I was figuring at first I would let you run home like a scorned pup, with your tail between your legs. In testimony to your intelligence, and to your great misfortune, you chose to stand and fight. I can not say I envy you.” The Shadow bared his teeth in a wide smile.

As the Sith spoke, he gently shifted the lightsaber between his hands. His eyes darted as he studied his opponent. The Sorcerer did not seem to take the Knight very seriously though. This caused rage to burned hotter in Stahoe’s stomach. He shifted his weight to his left foot, prepared to charge headlong at his opponent.

Before Bentre launched off of his foot, Lucyeth was already in motion. The Sadowan could not alter his trajectory quickly enough, and the Palatinaen easily brought his own weapon up to parry the blow. As the Corellian stumbled past, he felt a sharp shove into the back of his leg, causing his knee to fold. Unable to catch himself, Bentre hit the ground hard.

“You don’t really look like you know what you are doing.” Lucyeth stated simply, with the slightest of smiles on his face.

“That is a dirty trick!” Bentre groused. “What kind of a person trips their opponent like that? It was such a petty use of the Force. I almost think that you are really afraid of fighting me in equal combat.”

“Don’t call equal that which is not,” the Sorcerer intoned, his eyes flashing with humor.

These words acted only to further frustrate his opponent. With a sigh, the Shadow rolled to his feet and dusted himself off. “Tall words you are speaking there.” His shoulders bounced with a chuckle of derision. Raising his weapon up confidently, Bentre glared over his lightsaber’s blade. “You had better hope I don’t make you eat them. I might even make you eat a few teeth while I am at it.”

“Are you going to flap your jaw all day, or do you plan to make good on that promise?”

With a cry, Bentre raised his weapon in a charge. As he brought his weapon down, he saw Lucyeth whip his own weapon up deftly to parry the blow aside with his own crimson blade. The act was natural and ingrained, an obvious result of many hours of training. In the back of his mind, the Corellian knew this to be true. Still this fact did not serve to deter the angered Stahoes as he brought his weapon around in a powerful swing.

In response to this blow the Sorcerer merely sidestepped, pointing a finger and releasing a spear of wicked light from his finger in his retreat. The energy crackled across Bentre’s chest upon impact, causing him to spasm for a moment. When the spams ceased, the Shadow shook himself with a pained grunt.

“Are you going to stand still and fight or keep playing around?” the Sadowan growled, bearing his teeth with a snarl.

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2015 4:05 PM UTC

This caused rage to burned hotter in Stahoe’s stomach.

Should be "burn".

“Are you going to flap your jaw all day, or do you plan to make good on that promise?”

Should make it more apparent who the speaker is here.

When the spams ceased, the Shadow shook himself with a pained grunt.

Should be "spasms".

the Sadowan growled, bearing his teeth with a snarl.

You were looking to use "baring" here.

“I am simply seizing the opportunity of making my intend as effortless as it has to be,” replied Lucyeth

Lucyeth enjoyed the banter with his combatant. Bentre was clearly frustrated with his own self pride. The taunting comments were working to the warrior’s advantage yet the palatinaean had to ensure that he maintained his focus. Lucyeth could sense the dark side of the force in the knight which made him all the more volatile. Bentre was furious and the hatred to decapitate Lucyeth could be seen within the fire of his eyes. The palatinaean continued to parry each attack from his opponent with ease. The rage kept the Sadowan’s stamina going as Lucyeth was forced to remain on the defensive until his opponent grew tired.

“Don’t underestimate me. You will regret it,” barked Bentre with anger as the warrior continued to parry his attacks.

Swords clashed with the thrash and hum of combat but Lucyeth was determined to prevent the knight from getting an opening. The Corellian had his teeth bared and jaw clenched like a savage predator on the singular goal of a kill. The knight took a step back and Lucyeth closed the space with the fluid motion of his weapon. Lucyeth could sense the fear in the Sadowan as he kept up with every onslaught that Lucyeth’s blade caused. Bentre defended himself with all his focus and Lucyeth expected it to be the end. Lucyeth relished in his expected victory too quick and it cost him. The knight jammed the hilt of his lightsaber into the face of Lucyeth. The warrior howled in pain as blood flew out of his mouth. Lucyeth could taste the warm and salty substance that was his own blood. His mouth was in pain as he spit teeth out. The warrior used the pain to fuel the force and could feel it seething in his veins. He could not let his confidence get to him again or he may be dead.

“Well you got some teeth knocked out after all. This has gone on enough now,” snarled Lucyeth with blood drenched lips.

Bentre took the space to his advantage and drew his blaster. He fired rapidly towards the palatinaean but Lucyeth pain was now his amplified fury. Bolts flew across the room as they were batted away by the warrior. Lucyeth closed the distance with Bentre and cut upwards. The muzzle of the blaster cut clean off the barrel and the knight put his lightsaber back up in a defensive stance. Lucyeth no longer had the tolerance and his mouth was excruciating. The warrior extended his hand and channeled his hatred for his opponent out of his outstretched hand. The concussive force knocked his opponent into the wall. Bentre staggered back up to his feet as violet tendrils of raw energy went racing for him. The knight was gone as the shock bounced on the wall. Lucyeth could help but to chuckle at the turn of events.

“What happened to stand and fight? C’ Mon don’t drag this out and make it more of a challenge. Let’s finish this,” yelled Lucyeth loud enough to boom throughout the room. The palatinaean’s lightsaber was still lit and in front of him as he scanned the room for the Sadowan. He was not going to let his guard down although disappeared from the room. The sadowan was upon him fast as he came out of nowhere and tackled him from behind. The warrior’s lightsaber fell to the floor as he wrestled his opponent to the floor. He punch and jabbed until Bentre’s nose was off center. Lucyeth screamed in agony at the sharp pain in his thigh. Bentre’s hand was on Lucyeth’s leg with a vibroknife protruding from his flesh. The palatinaean rolled to the floor in agony. Lucyeth focused with all his pain and hatred fueled power at a last ditch effort to sever the force from his opponent. He smiled as he no longer felt the force for a second on his opponent. Lucyeth managed to smile through the pain but it was to no avail. The vibroknife was ripped out of his leg with muscled force and Bentre wasted no time as he held the weapon at Lucyeth’s throat.

“I told you,” growled Bentre through gritted teeth. Lucyeth didn’t say a word as there was nothing to say. The warrior simply stared up at his opponent with a smug but cold stare.

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2015 4:08 PM UTC

“I am simply seizing the opportunity of making my intend as effortless as it has to be,” replied Lucyeth

Straight up, I have no idea what you meant to be saying here. At first I thought maybe "my intent" but that doesn't work in the sentence proper.

palatinaean

Why do you hate capitalizing me?

dark side of the force

"Force" is still a proper noun.

Lucyeth could help but to chuckle at the turn of events.

Should be "couldn't".

C’ Mon don’t drag this out and make it more of a challenge.

Should be "C'mon".

sadowan

You capitalized it earlier, but then you didn't.

The warrior’s lightsaber fell to the floor as he wrestled his opponent to the floor.

Repetition of "to the floor".

He punch and jabbed until Bentre’s nose was off center.

Should be "punched".

He smiled as he no longer felt the force for a second on his opponent. Lucyeth managed to smile through the pain but it was to no avail.

"Force" is still a again. As well, you don't have the feat that allows you to sever the Force, even temporarily. Suppression merely weakens the connection and makes it harder to use. You also repeated yourself with "smiled" at the beginning of each sentence and I'm not sure what "to no avail" is referencing.

with muscled force

"muscled" is a verb, not an adverb or adjective.

Smile all you like. Victory is mine.

Bentre had allowed his focus to slip. In his frustration and pride, he had not seen the finger slip up to rest just short of his stomach. It wasn’t until he heard the crackle of energy that he realized what the Warrior had done. His show of force was ill-timed. Pain rippled through his body as hot ringlets traced along his torso. The sensation was so intense and unexpected the Sadowan’s vibroblade fell from his fingers.

This was the opening that Lucyeth needed. The Palatinaean struck out hard, catching the Shadow square in the face with his palm. As the Corellian let out a cry of pain and anger, the Equite followed the blow through with another palm strike, this time to the chest. This blow drove the Journeyman to his back roughly.

This was not how this was supposed to go at all.

“Enough!” the amplified voice of a Kaminoan echoed in the chamber. As the two Sith turned to regard the speaker, they saw the representative that had first greeted them was shaking their head unhappily. “We do not need this kind of violence brought to this place. I had hoped the two of you could try and haggle for our cloning services, not spread each other’s flesh and blood across our facilities.”

“He started it,” the words fell flat from Bentre’s lips as he rubbed his face as he glared at Lucyeth. Already a bruise was forming under the skin. By his expression it must have smarted quite a bit. The Warrior raised an eyebrow in a slightly mocking concern.

“I bet that is going to sting in the morning, Stahoes. Maybe you should stick to skulking around in the shadows?”

“I don’t know, can’t imagine that wound in your leg is much better. I would even bet-”

“I don’t want to hear it, outsiders.” The spindly alien made a dismissive motion as it cut the argument short. “The both of you have been less than diplomatic.” The Shadow opened his mouth, but did not interrupt the alien as it spoke. “We will provide you some medical care for the injuries you sustained in this ill-advised little brawl. After that you may return to your respective employers.”

“This is poodoo.” Bentre growled.

“If your employers wish to send others, we will still entertain their offers. You two are done here though.” As if on cue, two droids approached the Sith slowly. The first extended an arm toward Lucyeth, helping him up and giving him something to brace against. The second was waved away by a sore Stahoes as he rolled to his feet. Sidestepping the droid’s attempt to lead him away, Bentre pointed an accusatory finger at the Equite.

“Don’t think this is over buddy,” his words were full of poison. “This fight may have ended in a draw of sorts, but don’t think for a moment that makes you any better than me. The next time we fight, you had better hope you catch me unaware. Because if all is equal, I will defeat you and do so soundly.”

“I seriously doubt you will be that much of a threat,” The Warrior shook his head, with the slightest hint of a smile as he turned back toward the droid, leaning against it roughly. “I wasn’t trying to kill.” He shook his head as the droid helped him hobble along to the medical center.

I don’t think Locke and the others are going to be too thrilled when I get back. The Corellian shook his head as he sulked behind the droid leading him to one of the side chambers. The leader of a Battleteam losing his cool like that, and getting thrown out? It is disgraceful. He shook his head. The only good thing, he supposed, was that he would have plenty of time on the trip back to plan his revenge on the Scholaen Sorcerer.

Darth Renatus, 7 September, 2015 4:09 PM UTC

The sensation was so intense and unexpected the Sadowan’s vibroblade fell from his fingers.

A vibroblade is very different from a vibroknife.

“I bet that is going to sting in the morning, Stahoes. Maybe you should stick to skulking around in the shadows?”

Make it more clear who is talking, then later if the dialogue is still continued you can drop the identifier. Additionally, Lucyeth was never told Bentre's last name so this is a continuity issue.