Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Battlemaster Uji Tameike

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Battlemaster Uji Tameike

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Shadow, Obelisk
Comment

While there were a couple interesting moments in the fight, overall this was largely a rather cliched story. Try and spice things up a bit in the future with whatever you can. Find something in the venue for example. Add in a critter. Mix it up. As it was, Andrelious slightly cleaner execution was the decider. Feel free to contact me if you want more feedback.

Hall Rivalries
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Rivalries
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Battlemaster Uji Tameike
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Uji Tameike's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 20 September, 2015 7:18 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Consul Ikarri Itinen
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Couple minor things noted in comments. Rationale: See comments, but overall I just found your delivery lacking overall flow. There was always something blocking things from moving forward.
Story - 40%
Deleted Consul Ikarri Itinen
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: While your opponent gave you a rather cliche start, you didn't really do anything else with it. Just kept the same overused story beats. Too much exposition for the amount of actual content. Rationale: I've read this book before, many times. While it might be true that everything has been done before, this plot line has been done a lot more than most. If you're going to do something like this you need to make it...different.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Consul Ikarri Itinen
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues Rationale: Had a move that made me question whether it fit Echani. Not docking for it, but be careful of this.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Consul Ikarri Itinen
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues Rationale: No issues
Deleted's Score: 4.05 Consul Ikarri Itinen's Score: 3.9
Posts

Crystal Cave

In the planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty in this world. Dispersed around the untamed planet are flaws; cracks formed through thousands of years. Water rushing and destroying cliffs, racing and scooping away the soil beneath your feet and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine close to the planet’s core darkens deeper down until the bottom remains a mystery. The benefit of this is that no-one heads directly down instead using technology to bore a tunnel from the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this region is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of the explorers who met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent, remaining as a warning to those who might venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or were murdered remains a question in the long-lost histories of the ravine.

In front of you is the base floor of the ravine. Opening only at random times because of the glacier sheet, you used the bore tunnel to find your way here. This level is pitch black and a headlamp was given before you left for the planet. The sides of the ravine stretch vertically, as if they scrape the whistling and snowy clouds above. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, and you can tell this by the icicles forming on the lip of the tunnel. Others were temporary shelter for climbers. But with some luck, you may find the permafrost chamber tucked into its haunted depths. A vast room of permafrost crystals rarely found, and thought only to be on Hoth.

Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, multi-coloured clusters of lightsaber crystals reflect the light into the deepest crevices from the surface. Untouched for a millennia, the value in this chamber once sparked an entire battle between the Old Republic and the Empire. Be warned - caution must be exercised, or you might find yourself joining those who came before.

Planet Ilum

Crystal Caves

Andrelious pulled his black robes tight about his squat frame. The cold permeated everything on this planet; he could feel it in his bones. It distracted him from the majestic view throughout the caverns. He shuffled his feet forward slowly. Occasionally, adjusting the headlamp he wore in a futile effort to reveal his immediate surroundings. As he swiveled his head, the pale beam of light refracted through various patches of crystals throughout the chamber. It created a gloomy, swirling scene of light around him.

The Warlord cursed to himself. He reached for his hip flask and took another long drink in a desperate attempt to stave off the cold. The liquid burned in his throat and created a warmth in his gut, but it would not help with the cold in his extremities. He returned the flask to it's pouch and clicked the communicator located on his belt. It signaled the soldiers who had accompanied him that 'all was well' and they should remain at the entrance of the ravine.

The Sith pushed deeper into the ravine. His descent into darkness and numbing cold the only thing on his mind. It was unbearable, even for a Force-User, the echo of a nearby underground river the only response to his misery. A moment later, the moisture from the river crept into his nasal cavity with the familiar scent of mold that grew throughout the cavern. The cold and the moisture made it almost impossible to breathe. It clawed at his lungs like the liquor had his belly.

Pathetic fools! The Warlord complained as he continued deeper into the ravine, searching for a chamber that contained what his new Clan so desperately desired. These crystals would not be worthy of use in an armory saber.

Time crept forward at an agonizingly slow pace as he grew more frustrated in his search; each chamber explored had been previously picked clean by scavengers, save for those shards which were of too low of a quality to be worth taking. Andrelious could not help his automatic response of drawing his flask for another long pull. He swapped it for the communicator again, disturbed that his escort had failed to check-in.

Entering the appropriate sequence into the comm, he issued a command that would elicit a scripted response. Seconds stretched into minutes, Andrelious' ire rising with the count. He repeated the process once more for good measure, only to be greeted by silence. The Warlord reached into the Force and sought out the presence of his soldiers. No living thing stirred at the entrance to the ravine.

Shifting his search from a specific area, the Sith opened his sphere of responsibility to sense anyone in close proximity. His awareness touched another's presence. He immediately recognized who had killed his men. An involuntary shiver ran down his spine and extended through the rest of his body. His momentary surprise was soon replaced with anger. The Imperial shook his head, collecting his thoughts and casting aside any concern he held.

The heavyset man turned back along his path, his pace picking up to a slow jog as he retraced his steps. Simultaneously, he searched for the presence of his would-be attacker. Each time he brushed against the consciousness, images of his own demise projected from him. The design of his death fleeting and numerous as if the Assassin had spent time considering an array of options on how to dispatch the Taldryanite. Andrelious' lungs began to burn as he closed in on his target.

He could see lights in the distance. The headlamps of his soldiers were motionless and cast their glow in an upward angle suggesting they projected from the ground. He slowed as he neared the well-lit aftermath of a skirmish. He took a few deep, shuddering breaths as he tried to slow his racing heart. He reached within the folds of his robes, adjusting the sling harness of his E-11 and looked down the scope to the scene before him.

The post his troops had established seemed undisturbed - transport crates and equipment in their original position - and ready for the crystal collection to which he had been assigned. As he searched through the scope, he found what he was looking for - the bodies of his escort. In silence, the corpses spoke to what had transpired. Each one had been cut down in turn. Andrelious recognized the pattern of an ambush; the bodies strewn at the fringes of the camp as if taken by surprise.

Bloody fools! Now I have to deal with a damned Assassin and carry out this pathetic assignment alone. Andrel resisted the urge to take another drink from his flask as he continued to scan the surrounding area. His eyes and ears were alert for any movement as he watched for the tell-tale shimmer of one trained in cloaking himself from sight.

"About time, Imperial," the voice echoed throughout the cavern. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere.

Unfazed by the ploy, the Sith responded, "Are we really going to play this game? Show yourself and resist the urge to waste my time." The Sith kept his rifle shouldered, but abandoned using the sights to seek his opponent. The Force would serve his needs now. There. Turning quickly, the Imperial fired off a three shot salvo. He watched as each impacted the wall in the wake of his assailant. An ethereal shimmer appeared in the air, a snap-hiss of a lightsaber activated, and a familiar form rushed to close the distance between them.

The Warlord sensed the danger before he saw it, instinctively raising his rifle to shoot. Too late! The white blade of his opponent closed the distance, cutting cleanly through the blaster before any additional shots could be triggered. Without hesitation, The Pilot’s hand shot forward calling on the Force within an instant lightning shot from his fingertips. He smiled, expecting to see his target writhing in pain but instead watched as the lightning coiled around his attacker only to be absorbed. The counter-assault ended as quickly as it had begun, the lightning tapering away, though it slowed his assailant enough to give Andrelious time to take several quick steps back, creating separation between them.

"You bastards exile me and then send someone to kill me?" he growled as he discarded the useless rifle. he took in the form of Uji Tameike, Aedile of Galeres, standing before Him, and watched as a cold smile crept up the former Jedi's lips.

"Tell me, Andrelious, what is it that angers you more? That a former Jedi controls the Clan you so loved? Or that the Arconae considered you so little a threat that they wouldn’t waste Celevon or Sashar’s time to dispatch of you?”

Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia, 22 September, 2015 12:59 AM UTC

I'll note that Andrelious does have a +3 Intellect and would probably know booze = bad in an arctic environment. At the very least it's another cliche trope in a post full of them.

Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia, 22 September, 2015 1:28 AM UTC

While I'm normally one that both enjoys and utilizes internal monologue, the way it's used here has a habit of interrupting your flow. In addition. there are also other examples of poor capitalization. For example:

  • "Without hesitation, The Pilot’s hand shot forward calling on the Force...".

The title case doesn't seem right there.

Andrelious chuckled. “I have come to terms with what happened to me in Arcona, Uji. If the summit is still brooding about my choice to join Taldryan, that speaks volumes.”

Uji was somewhat of a curiosity. Though nominally a Sith, his chosen focus within the Force resembled that of his Jedi past. His strengths were mainly defensive, but his ability with a blade was such that Andrelious had never relished the idea of meeting the Aedile in combat. Now, however, that very situation was unfolding. Charging in once more, Uji, whilst keeping his defences active in the event of any more lightning, blazed in, his sheer speed difficult for the Warlord to handle. His agility was backed with strength and stamina, making him incredibly tough to break down.

Blocking the first few slashes, Andrelious was already finding the Battlemaster a handful. Uji, with his pure white blade, began to dictate the flow of the duel, forcing his opponent into a series of defensive moves. The Arconan could not, however, seem to find a way through as Andrelious mirrored every move almost perfectly.

“You’re an excellent duellist, Uji, but you don’t believe in your own ability! Look, right now, you’re keeping a Warlord of the Sith at bay! You’re just as good as Edraven, or even Sashar. But without seeing that, you’ll remain a pawn of Arcona’s failing system!” Andrelious taunted as he allowed the dark side to guide him in combat.

“The only failure is you. All that ability, and yet you waste your time playing politics!” Uji responded, fully aware of what Mimosa-Inahj was trying to do. Dun Moch was not the most elegant of forms, but Andrelious had claimed many victims with his perfectly matched combination of insult and swordplay. The Arconan wasn’t about to allow himself to be added to his opponent’s extensive list of successes.

The relationship that Andrelious had with Uji before his defection had been one of an unspoken rivalry. They had been opposite numbers, Andrelious as leader of Soulfire, whilst Uji had inherited the captaincy of the Nighthawk. Later on, Uji had advanced to Aedile, but had not been in the position for very long when the news came that the entire Inahj family were to be exiled after refusing to accept the new alliance with Odan-Urr. A death warrant was issued once it became clear that Andrelious and his family had volunteered large amounts of secrets in exchange for a place in Clan Taldryan, Arcona’s chief rivals with the Brotherhood. Uji had once saved Andrelious’ twins from the clutches of a bounty hunter, but that, as with anything else that had happened prior to the defection, needed to be forgotten.

Parrying another lightning fast attack, Andrelious expertly turned defence into attack, forcing Uji into a lock. He glared across at his opponent, his eyes a vicious mix of angry red and dark side yellow.

“One chance, Tameike. Back off. Tell Marick that you didn’t find me here. Save yourself for when I lead Taldryan’s fleets to Dajorra,” the Warlord hissed.

Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia, 22 September, 2015 1:32 AM UTC
  • “You’re an excellent duellist, Uji, but you don’t believe in your own ability! Look, right now, you’re keeping a Warlord of the Sith at bay! You’re just as good as Edraven, or even Sashar. But without seeing that, you’ll remain a pawn of Arcona’s failing system!”

Three exclamations in four sentences, that's kind of pushing it.

Tameike glared over their locked sabers at his opponent, the rest of his face remaining impassive as always. Without emotion, his response carried the tone of a teacher scolding a small child, “You just don’t get it, do you? You lived, because Arcona allowed it.” He felt the Warlord straining against the lock, determined to stand his ground against the lower ranked Equite. The Arconan held his ground against the smaller man without effort, the difference in size and strength between them evident as he looked down at the Taldryanite.

He bore down, forcing his blade closer to his opponent. Uji witnessed the change of expressions as they unfolded before him: the Warlord’s eyes grew wider for a heartbeat before they narrowed in resolve, then anger.. The Sith twisted his own blade in an attempt to disengage, breaking away from their grapple. The momentum of his maneuver carried him forward into another strike.

Uji reacted by sidestepping his opponent and pivoting on his left leg to snap a quick kick. His right foot lashed out, connecting with his enemy's soft midsection. The force of the physical blow sent the Imperial staggering backwards. A series of coughs echoed throughout the cavern as the Warlord attempted to catch the breath that had been knocked out of him.

The Shadow lunged towards his opponent, leading with his lightsaber in a powerful sweep. Moments before reaching his mark, he caught sight of Inahj’s movement and sensed the counterattack coming towards him through the Force. A hail of earth, rock and crystalline shards flew through the distance between the combatants before impacting the Arconan. The blast threw him aside, pain flaring up throughout the side of his torso. Tameike fought to keep his consciousness in a blinding moment of pain until his body rolled to a stop in the underground cavern.

The Savant could feel the blood rushing through his body as everything seemed to slow around him. He found himself prone, his saber laying out of reach, knocked away from him during the impact, the force of which made him wonder if a speeder may have hurt less. He could barely hear the words of the Taldryanite as he spoke, “...still have use to me, Uji. This unprovoked attack will do little more then stoke the flames of Taldrya’s ire for Arcona.” Uji allowed the Warlord to talk, giving himself time to recover. Let the bastard ramble, he thought, Gives me time to bring this to a close.

Pulling the Force into himself, he felt the wounds in his side start to knit, clotting first. Uji knew he didn’t have enough time to set what was likely at least a broken rib, if not several. “In the end, while you would have been of use to us, were you not as blind as your dear Consul, I think sending your body back to Arcona should be enough to dissuade them from further attempts.” The older Sith began closing the distance between them. Placing a hand underneath him, Uji slowly pulling himself up, climbing to his feet.

“It would have been easier to just accept your fate. Although, it is perhaps more enjoyable to watch you die slowly, Uji.” Andrelious drew back, angling his body. Uji watched as the Warlord lashed out with a flick of the wrist. Dun Moch, while an effective style, did not posses practitioners known for their agility. The crimson blade came ever closer, and at the last instant the Arconan stepped into the blow, his hand lashing out to connect with Andrelious’s wrist, a move that would cause the Warlord’s arm to go numb. Uji took hold of the base of the other man’s saber, twisting it from his opponent’s grip.

He deactivated the weapon with a quick finger, continuing his rotation as he spun around the Warlord. The two came face to face again, and Uji lashed out as he saw the Taldryanite reach for the second blade at his waist. The handle of the stolen lightsaber smashed into the smaller man’s nose, a blossom of crimson bursting from the shattered cartilage as Andrelious cursed vehemently and stumbled back.

Uji felt the ache in his side flare again as he struggled to control the pain long enough to finish the fight and raise his new weapon. Activating his opponent’s saber brought a wry sense of amusement to the former Jedi.

Time to end this.

Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia, 22 September, 2015 1:18 AM UTC

'Let the bastard ramble, he thought, Gives me time to bring this to a close."

While there's some argument on this point, I'd treat the grammar here like a quote, hence there would not be a capital letter after the comma.

Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia, 22 September, 2015 2:56 AM UTC
  • Placing a hand underneath him, Uji slowly pulling himself up, climbing to his feet.

Check your tense here

Andrelious had been expecting a tough fight against his former ally, and thus far Uji had not disappointed. The ex-Jedi was fighting with such grit and determination that Mimosa-Inahj was beginning to wonder just how hard he would have to hit Uji before he stayed down.

Charging in, Uji attacked with a quiet passion, choosing not to growl, roar, or make any other kind sound as he operated the stolen weapon as if he had owned it for years. Each slash was seamlessly meshed in with the one that preceded it, leading to an almost textbook demonstration of the aggressive Djem So form. Andrelious remained sternly on the defensive, unable or perhaps unwilling to offer a counter-attack as he continually blocked Uji’s probing strikes. His concentration was partially disturbed by the ongoing pain and blood flow from his wrecked nose, and he had no time to rectify the situation as the Arconan’s offensive was unrelenting.

Driving his already nimble body even faster with the aid of the Force, Uji moved to bypass his opponent’s defences, trying to sever Andrelious’ legs at the knees. As he did so, he reached forward, exposing his upper body. Seeing his chance, the Warlord leapt in the air, both avoiding the Arconan’s attack and slamming his own blade deep into Uji’s chest, slicing through his already damaged ribs and puncturing a lung. The attack, though effective, was hasty enough in its execution that it could not reach the former Jedi’s heart.

Falling to the ground, Uji coughed and spluttered. Every breath he took was agony as air flowed in and out of his burning lung, whilst its twin struggled to compensate. The Arconan clutched the wound with his left hand, desperately begging the Force to undo some of the damage Andrelious had inflicted. With his right hand, he clung defiantly onto the stolen lightsaber, almost daring the Warlord to continue the attack. With a simple forward slash, Andrelious chopped Uji’s right hand clean off, recovering his lightsaber as the severed hand released its grip.

“I regret having to do that, Uji. But removal of one’s hand is a common punishment for stealing. In some, less civilised cultures, anyway,” Andrelious hissed, keeping his active lightsaber pointed directly at the Arconan. All you do is talk and talk. Uji thought to himself, remaining silent.

“Brave words for a man who is inches from death. Perhaps I should just finish you off. I would have loved to have slayed you and all your friends back in Arcona in battle, but I can’t take the risk of you showing up again. With the training you’ve had, you’re a danger to my new Clan. As much as I suspect that obstinate little lightie will try to avoid it, war will happen again. Not killing you now will make Arcona that much harder to beat,” the Warlord continued, his lightsaber remaining completely still.

“Then do it!” Uji spat.

“I am not going to finish this today, Uji. We may be enemies now, but before that, you saved my twins. But remember this. We are even now. When we next meet, I will not be so compassionate. Go. Tell your friends of what happened here. And tell them that Taldryan are on the rise.” Andrelious ordered.

Turning away, the Warlord began to leave the cave. Uji, having been allowed some time to heal, stood, his breathing a little more regular if still quite painful. He watched Andrelious leave, realising there was little more he could do.

“Next time, Inahj, you’ll see just how strong we are,” Tameike stated.