Warrior Lexiconus Qor vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Warrior Lexiconus Qor

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Quarren, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

This was a nice conflict to read, and both of you had some good storytelling moments. What it came down to, however, is that one of you made better use of ACC mechanics and kept things more realistic than the other, costing the other player the match.

Well done, Andrel!

Hall Rivalries
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Rivalries
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Lexiconus Qor, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Mining Facility
Last Post 24 September, 2015 7:35 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No flagrant errors from either of you. Rationale: No flagrant errors from either of you.
Story - 40%
Deleted Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Your strength is in your combat descriptions and the beautiful use of the character sheets throughout the story which make it all believable. I would have liked to see more use of tactile descriptions with smell and sound when you're not describing combat. Rationale: You wove an interesting story and have a talent for some very nice descriptive writing. What soured things for me a bit is your creative license that took away from your story's realism in some parts, which detracted from my enjoyment of your story in general.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that I could see. Well done! Rationale: I've noted the issues with realism in the posts directly.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues from either of you. Rationale: No issues from either of you.
Deleted's Score: 4.6 Qor Kith's Score: 3.95
Posts

Mining Facility

Lava is mined like a precious natural resource on this volatile and volcanic world. Opposing gravitational forces of the twin gas giants closest to Mustafar tear apart the planet’s surface to reveal the mineral-rich lava flows underneath. Once serving as the capital world for the Confederacy of Independent Systems, remnants of their past influence still linger. Massive mining facilities originally constructed by the Techno Union are still maintained by the native Mustafarians, an egocentric people who would like nothing more than to squeeze minerals for the purposes of trade and commerce from their volcanic planet.

Other than in the pursuit of business interests, few arrive on Mustafar save for those needing to incinerate evidence in its vast expanses of magma. What little curiosity is given to the volcanic planet is thwarted by a natural scanning interference caused by intense geological activity. Pirates, smugglers, criminals and scum all value this world’s ability to dump bodies, tracked cargo shipments and other unwanted articles - the singular reason for the Black Sun’s interest in the Outer Rim world.

A mechanical construct of machinery meant to extract valuable minerals from the magma trapped within its reservoir, the mining facility itself is worked all hours of the planet’s rotation by the native Mustafarians, which is bathed in an endless night, illuminated only by the molten rock. Droids, machines and conveyor belts create the workings of an efficient system to extract the minerals and have it prepared for refinement and transportation. Lacking a suitable surface, metal walkways are shielded against the heat to allow workers passage throughout the facilities. Even with the worst of the heat being shielded against, Mustafar’s temperature remains less than comfortable to most species lacking exoskeletons.

The heat of Mustafar was causing great discomfort to Andrelious. He had dressed in the thinnest black garments he could find, but was still almost constantly wiping sweat away as he traversed along the walkways. He had been sent to the planet with a large number of datapads, his orders being clear: destroy them. The Warlord was not aware exactly what was stored on these devices, but had been clued in by his daughter, Saskia, who informed him that the information was critical to one of Taldryan’s enemies. There were many ways to destroy a datapad, but the enemy in question apparently had the ability to recover almost anything. The lava on Mustafar, however, was far more destructive.

Reaching a ledge, Andrelious started throwing the datapads into the lava below. Stopping to again mop his brow, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Someone was watching him, and he could tell from how strongly that he could feel them that they too were a Force user, another dark side user from how angry their presence was.

The Warlord turned around, scanning the immediate area for whoever it was that he’d sensed. Across the nearest walkway stood an alien figure that Andrelious quickly identified as a Quarren. The stranger wore a brown cape over some kind of scaly outfit, but the Taldryanite’s eyes were drawn to the lightsaber clipped to the alien’s belt.

“Greetings. What brings you to Mustafar?” Andrelious questioned.

“You have something that belongs to my employers,” the Quarren replied, pointing at what few datapads remained.

“And who are your employers? You don’t look Arconan. That makes a welcome change,” the Warlord answered. He had gotten more than a little tired of being chased across the galaxy by the Shadow Clan’s operatives.

“Just hand them over. Things needn’t get ugly,” the stranger threatened.

Andrelious chuckled. “I think not. I think it’s best you tell me who you are,” he shot back, accompanying the statement with a quick wave of his hand.

“I think it’s best I tell you who I am,” the Quarren mimicked. “I am Lexiconus Qor. I serve Clan Naga Sadow,” “Ah! So these things came from Naga Sadow! Too bad I’m about to destroy them. Go, Qor, tell that bastard Cethgus that you were too late,” Andrelious hissed.

“The Proconsul warned me about you, Inahj. Told me you’re little more than a fighter jockey,” Lexiconus declared, activating his lightsaber.

“I see he taught you to spend hours posturing. I’ve never seen one of your kind before. I just hope the heat’s not too much for you, waterboy,” the Warlord taunted, arming his own lightsaber.

Offering no further reply, Lexiconus ran in, starting a leap as he approached his fellow Sith. He aimed the jump to land immediately in front of Andrelious, swinging his lightsaber as he descended. The move was fast, but the Taldryanite moved his blade almost perfectly in time with Lexiconus’ motion, easily blocking the Warrior’s attack. The Quarren followed up with some equally fast slashes, each one varying in height and direction, but the Warlord parried each away, allowing the Force to steer his moves to keep the Sadowan at bay.

Ducking a higher slash, Andrelious chose not to return to full height, instead focusing on the Warrior’s lower legs. Lexiconus spotted what his enemy was doing, and, crouching himself, held his blade firm as its opposite number slashed in. Sparks flew through the air, further adding to the scene of powerful heat that surrounded the pair.

His eyes reddening as he became more and more angry, Andrelious glared at his opponent, extending the fingers on his left hand. The air became filled with tendrils of lightning, all with one destination in mind. Lexiconus disengaged from the duel, moving his lightsaber back, ready to absorb the electricity. Andrelious smirked, charging forwards, saber in his right hand as he still generated huge amounts of current from his left.

The Warrior had to think fast.

Ala'ar Rinn, 26 September, 2015 4:16 PM UTC

This was a nice intro and a good segway into the conflict with your opponent. You put the Character Sheets to good use. I didn't see any errors, and your use of syntax was relatively sound.

You also describe some very nice combat scenes!! Well done..!

Constructive Criticism: I'd have liked to see your creative writing of the combat scenes to leak into your descriptions of the world around the characters a bit more. For example:

The heat of Mustafar was causing great discomfort to Andrelious.

You could have really worked on the sounds of the boiling lava, the relentless heat and stench of the molten rocks here.

Sparks flew through the air, further adding to the scene of powerful heat that surrounded the pair.

Beautiful visual that you could have expanded.

The air became filled with tendrils of lightning,

Crackling and hissing sounds and the smell of burnt ozen, the air charged with static electricity making the hairs on your character's arms stand on end.

In all three of these instances, you could have expanded to describe these phenomenon with scents, sounds, and tactile descriptions that would make these simple phrases more real to your readers.

Good work overall!

As the high tendrils of Force-based energy came crawling and slithering towards him from the Sith Warlord, Lexiconus had to think fast through this. He observed the crimson glare from the ex-Imperial who marched towards him at a good pace. Then he noticed the small bump of the blaster holster located in the Andrelious’ belt, it felt like a good opportunity to gain the advantage and find a way to evade the threat.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Lexic chanted the verse in his mind before taking some precautionary breath and ran deep into the fingers of energy. His ignited blade catching most of the stream, with the odd lick of energy hitting his own tendrils on his mouth. It stung like a pan of boiled water being poured into his mouth, but he had to press on in order to survive the twisted methods of Andrelious. Sprinting like a deer head on into the cat, the Quarren kept his head low and then slid across the floor, his invaluable weapon in hand. He only needed to catch the heat sink of the blaster, leaving an orange glow on the grip of the weapon, and then rolled further away from the deathly striking of the Warlord.

Strength, I gain victory.

The mantra was shortened by his lack of time and breathe to repeat the full lyric, forcing his sweating body up on his feet. Andrelious saw the melted metal on his hip began to bubble as a high pitched squeak echoed through the air. He wasted no time and immediately dropped his belt from himself before a bright cloud burst outwards and covered the Warlord in smoke, flames dancing around his lightsaber. In the fear of that too being caught in the explosion, Andrelious tossed it aside momentarily, checking to see if the deactivated hilt was damaged. Lexic didn’t waste this newfound time, he sprinted back over to the Warlord with his arm coiled and sent a strike through the air which slammed into Andrelious’ neck. The Force sent him flying back and through the air, before gliding down and hitting the base of his head in the railing near the flow of the lava river.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The mantra was autonomous in his mind from the years spent training his emotions, and especially the raw passions of his emotions, into bolstering his own body. As the Warlord staggered to his feet and growled in disgust towards the Quarren, he detected that Andrelious could also take as many hits before admitting defeat. The Quarren was forced to admit it had to get ugly before it would become better. Approaching the ex-Imperial at a swift pace, he met Andrelious with fists ready, but was thrown out of the way and over the metal guards of the lava river. Gripping as tightly as he could, Lexic looked around below for a ledge he could slide onto before meeting the violent bubbles and heat of the molten rock. Andrelious above him laughed happily and leaned against the guard the Quarren used for support, prodding his fingers teasingly.

“Now that lava, would be a nasty way to go. Right?” A dark smirk greeted the Warlord’s face.

The Force shall set me free.

Lexic slowly closed his eyes and concentrated on the Sith Code running through his memories, then released from the balcony.

Ala'ar Rinn, 26 September, 2015 4:44 PM UTC

Nice continuity and description here..! Your strength is in your descriptions.

As the high tendrils of Force-based energy came crawling and slithering towards him from the Sith Warlord, Lexiconus had to think fast through this. He observed the crimson glare from the ex-Imperial who marched towards him at a good pace.

His ignited blade catching most of the stream, with the odd lick of energy hitting his own tendrils on his mouth. It stung like a pan of boiled water being poured into his mouth, but he had to press on in order to survive the twisted methods of Andrelious.

Good use of lightsaber and realism in the paragraph above. Nicely done. I like that you're also taking into account your character taking some damage as you attempt this. However, this expression was a bit confusing:

Sprinting like a deer head on into the cat,

1) You and I know what a deer and a cat are, but your character (and anyone living in the SW universe) might not know what a deer is, etc. 2) it was a bit confusing to me too. Is this a local expression where you're from? If so, keep in mind that your readers might not know these local expressions, so you have to expand on the idea and make it clear to the reader. NOTE: I did not penalize you for this.

Realism!

He only needed to catch the heat sink of the blaster, leaving an orange glow on the grip of the weapon, and then rolled further away from the deathly striking of the Warlord.

The mantra was shortened by his lack of time and breathe to repeat the full lyric, forcing his sweating body up on his feet. Andrelious saw the melted metal on his hip began to bubble as a high pitched squeak echoed through the air. He wasted no time and immediately dropped his belt from himself before a bright cloud burst outwards and covered the Warlord in smoke, flames dancing around his lightsaber. In the fear of that too being caught in the explosion, Andrelious tossed it aside momentarily, checking to see if the deactivated hilt was damaged.

While your use of the lightsaber to absorb the effects of Andrel's Force Lightning was pretty awesome, the above was a bit of a stretch in my mind. I conferred with other judges, and we all felt that a blaster would not cause that sort of explosion after being subjected to a lightsaber slash. I might have let this pass had Andrel been using a slug thrower (which could conceivably contain some combustibles like gun powder), or a flame thrower / jet pack, which would contain some fuel).

It was a neat idea, but not with the current weapon loadout and the general physics of the SW world.

Andrelious watched on as the Quarren slid downwards, sure that Lexiconus had doomed himself to a fiery death. He waited and waited to see the alien’s body land in or near the lava, but nothing appeared to be happening. The Warlord could still sense the Sadowan nearby, and began to wonder if Qor had somehow avoided his fate. He glanced over the railings as far as he dared, looking for some sign of where the Warrior had ended up. After a few moments, he spotted what looked like a footprint in the hot, earthy ground. That footprint, and several more nearby, led underneath the walkway, leaving Andrelious unable to ascertain exactly where his opponent had gone.

Nice try. I’m not following you down there, Mimosa-Inahj thought, not willing to risk a possibly fatal misstep, even if it did give him the chance to kill another Sith. Instead, he resumed throwing datapads over the edge and into the unforgiving heat of the lava. Reaching the last device, the Warlord turned away, ready to leave. His ship was only a short walk away, and, whilst he was aware that an enemy operative was still active, getting away from the intense heat was his primary concern.

Meanwhile, Lexiconus, having successfully made his way away from immediate danger, had snuck away along a secondary walkway. He too had fleeing in mind, but happened upon Andrelious’ ship. The Quarren quickly realised that the Warlord would easily reach his ship, and be clear of the planet long before Qor himself. Once free of the uncomfortable temperatures of Mustafar, Andrelious could wait for the Sadowan to launch and blow him out of the sky. In short, if the Human launched, he would hold all of the cards.

Whilst an average pilot, Qor lacked any knowledge on the mechanical side of ships, ruling a sabotage job out. He also decided against hiding in the starfighter’s cockpit, especially as he could already sense that Mimosa-Inahj was close. His best chance, he realised, was facing the Warlord directly.

As he came closer to his ship, Andrelious readied himself. He reactivated his lightsaber, slowing his approach from the fairly brisk walk he had made from where he had previously encountered the Quarren.

NOW! Lexiconus ordered himself. Snarling, the Warrior sprinted in, lightsaber active. As he closed in on the Taldryanite, he leapt in the air, somersaulting so as to prevent Andrelious from cutting anything off. Landing neatly behind the Warlord, Lexiconus quickly closed the gap, hoping to plunge his weapon through his target’s back and into his heart. Unfortunately for the Quarren, Andrelious spun on his heels, easily blocking the stabbing move, before counter attacking furiously. The Warlord battered his opponent’s defence, looking for a move that would end the conflict quickly, but effectively.

“Give it up, Qor. You aren’t going to win this!” Andrelious taunted.

Ala'ar Rinn, 26 September, 2015 4:46 PM UTC

I loved this first paragraph! Nice description, and lovely continuation..!

Andrelious watched on as the Quarren slid downwards, sure that Lexiconus had doomed himself to a fiery death. He waited and waited to see the alien’s body land in or near the lava, but nothing appeared to be happening. The Warlord could still sense the Sadowan nearby, and began to wonder if Qor had somehow avoided his fate. He glanced over the railings as far as he dared, looking for some sign of where the Warrior had ended up. After a few moments, he spotted what looked like a footprint in the hot, earthy ground. That footprint, and several more nearby, led underneath the walkway, leaving Andrelious unable to ascertain exactly where his opponent had gone.

Nice try. I’m not following you down there, Mimosa-Inahj thought,


I think you made really good use of Character Sheets again with the following paragraphs where you take advantage of Lex's character's intellect and your own Piloting abilities. Nicely done.

Meanwhile, Lexiconus, having successfully made his way away from immediate danger, had snuck away along a secondary walkway. He too had fleeing in mind, but happened upon Andrelious’ ship. The Quarren quickly realised that the Warlord would easily reach his ship, and be clear of the planet long before Qor himself. Once free of the uncomfortable temperatures of Mustafar, Andrelious could wait for the Sadowan to launch and blow him out of the sky. In short, if the Human launched, he would hold all of the cards.

Whilst an average pilot, Qor lacked any knowledge on the mechanical side of ships, ruling a sabotage job out. He also decided against hiding in the starfighter’s cockpit, especially as he could already sense that Mimosa-Inahj was close. His best chance, he realised, was facing the Warlord directly.

Another good example of using the character sheets, this time your own character's aspect: "Nasty Way to Go."

Unfortunately for the Quarren, Andrelious spun on his heels, easily blocking the stabbing move, before counter attacking furiously. The Warlord battered his opponent’s defence, looking for a move that would end the conflict quickly, but effectively.

The sprites of the violence danced and performed elegant feats of acrobatics while the two Sith’s sabers clashed in their scenario of near-execution. Lexiconus gritted his fangs and strained his glaring eyes as the complex maneuvers before him astounded him. With each pressing counter attack, the Taldryanite forced the Sadowan’s hands into a brutish locking of the lightsabers. His quickness was the only string of hope for Lexic while his defense against Andrelious slowly and inevitably faltered. The Warlord let out a cold chuckle shortly before swiping his lightsaber over the Warrior’s and hitting it cleanly into the steamy air. Clunking and scraping down the embankment of the lava canal, Lexic’s lightsaber was lost to the extreme heat and violent bubbles.

“You cannot win now, it’s too late for your mission!” Andrelious spoke out, his words instilling the grudging vibe of fear that he was renown for displaying masterfully. In his weakness the Sadowan began to lower and kneel before his executioner and gazed into his aged and darkened eyes. . “Please spare me! I am not worthy enough to expend your energy for death! Allow me to be free, I will not follow you and confront you again.” The Quarren pleaded while the Taldryanite just stood there in a perplexed state, his lightsaber held close to the orange tentacles of his victim.

“I will not allow you to leave and report back to your Quaestor, he-” In a trice, the blast of sapphire illumination erupted from the Warrior’s hands as the fingers of purely violent energy whipped against the Warlord’s clothing and skin. He stumbled backwards while the revolting charged struck his clothing and burnt small spots on his chest and stomach, forcing his arms at best to raise up. Slowly losing control over his limbs that jolted and tightened, Andrelious shrieked out in agony and gritted his teeth while Lexic found his feet once more and bellowed out with excitement. The Sadowan then broke the connection of the Dark Side energy and relaxed his body into a combative stance, his sooted fists clenched.

“Now Warlord, you will know the true meaning of pain!” The Quarren wasted no time, and just as Andrelious recovered from his shocking ordeal, Lexic sent his familiar barrage of phantom fists into the Warlord’s scorched face. Punching and jabbing as quick as he can against the steamy air, the Warrior locked his target into a flurry of quick strikes that were too fast for the ex-Imperial to block. The Quarren coiled his arm back and sent one final thrust into the air that crushed the air against the face of the Taldryanite, and flung him backwards onto the ramp near his starcraft. With exhaustion setting in, Lexic slowly limped over to his tired and defeated opponent and snatched the last datapad from his tight belt.

“Thank you, Andrel, for this information. I can take your ship too just to be equal with your efforts. Only then you’ll sip a hint of the justice you promptly deserve.” The Warrior tried to smirk but felt the heated sensation of his tentacles pouring with blood, and the stubs of where they used to be. Choking on his breath and wheezing out some laughter, Andrelious smirked up at the Quarren.

“You’ll remember me from this day onwards, squid! I’ll always be seen when you look into a mirror, or when someone asks what happened to your face. I’ll be right in your memories, thrashing you and defeating your morale.” His spitting and tense mouth coughed up, as blood began to sputter from his nose. In a midline rage, Lexic reached out to the Warlord’s lightsaber and caught it in the air. Snarling at the old Imperial, he activated the ruby blade and lunched down into the excess guts of the Warlord. He gave out one last cough before his face fell and his head limped over. The Quarren threw the lightsaber down and it deactivated itself once it hit the floor, walking to the ship.

“Hmph. At least he won’t do it again” Lexic supported himself with his words, unsure if this was the true end of Andrelious.

Ala'ar Rinn, 26 September, 2015 5:09 PM UTC

The following has to be my favourite description of this whole story. Not only did you incorporate some good realism and character sheet use, the description and scene was beautifully executed. Well done..!

The sprites of the violence danced and performed elegant feats of acrobatics while the two Sith’s sabers clashed in their scenario of near-execution. Lexiconus gritted his fangs and strained his glaring eyes as the complex maneuvers before him astounded him. With each pressing counter attack, the Taldryanite forced the Sadowan’s hands into a brutish locking of the lightsabers. His quickness was the only string of hope for Lexic while his defense against Andrelious slowly and inevitably faltered. The Warlord let out a cold chuckle shortly before swiping his lightsaber over the Warrior’s and hitting it cleanly into the steamy air. Clunking and scraping down the embankment of the lava canal, Lexic’s lightsaber was lost to the extreme heat and violent bubbles.

Realism!

“Please spare me! I am not worthy enough to expend your energy for death! Allow me to be free, I will not follow you and confront you again.” The Quarren pleaded while the Taldryanite just stood there in a perplexed state, his lightsaber held close to the orange tentacles of his victim.

“I will not allow you to leave and report back to your Quaestor, he-” In a trice, the blast of sapphire illumination erupted from the Warrior’s hands as the fingers of purely violent energy whipped against the Warlord’s clothing and skin. He stumbled backwards while the revolting charged struck his clothing and burnt small spots on his chest and stomach, forcing his arms at best to raise up. Slowly losing control over his limbs that jolted and tightened, Andrelious shrieked out in agony and gritted his teeth while Lexic found his feet once more and bellowed out with excitement.

In your first post, you used your own lightsaber to counter and absorb some of Andrel's Force Lightning. Why aren't you doing the same now for Andrel?

It's inconsistent, especially since you described that Andrel was pointing a lightsaber at you, and therefor, he could have also used the same technique against you. It's like it suited you earlier, and now it suits you to ignore it.


Interesting read though! And an interesting conclusion to the battle.