Knight Darkblade Bladedark vs. Neophyte Aexod Burgoo

Dark Jedi Knight Darkblade Bladedark

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Anzati, Krath, Seeker
vs.

Neophyte Aexod Burgoo

Journeyman 1, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Zabrak, Sith, Marauder
Comment

This was a very nice altercation between a master and his student which was believable, and sufficiently entrenched in differences of opinion, that I actually enjoyed the conflict between the two characters. Syntax aside, the match was interesting and I hope to see more competitions between the both of you. In the end, however, I think one ending was more believable than the other.

On the one hand we have a master (Darkblade) that is schooling his apprentice in his last post by using a good combination of skills/feats from his character sheet, while in the other we have an apprentice (Aexod) who isn't as skilled and decided to resort to environmental factors to win.

One shows a better use of the character sheets than the other, which is why this one goes to Darkblade in my opinion.

Well done both of you!

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Darkblade Bladedark, Neophyte Aexod Burgoo
Winner Knight Darkblade Bladedark
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Darkblade Bladedark's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Neophyte Aexod Burgoo's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 24 September, 2015 4:58 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Both rivals had issues with their syntax. Rationale: Both rivals had issues with their syntax.
Story - 40%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: What I enjoyed about your story was that you showed restraint with your apprentice. The ending you wrote was more conducive to more friction between the two of you, and has more RP potential than killing the character off. Syntax, however, did detract from my overall enjoyment. Rationale: I enjoyed your story very much, and it's nice to see an apprentice / master altercation. You might have overplayed things too much in the last post (see my note in the realism rationale below), but it wasn't particularly glaring. What did detract me from enjoying it fully, however, were the issues with the syntax.
Realism - 25%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: I saw no realism issues. Well done. Rationale: I'm sure your master had more tricks up his sleeve that could have served him in order to avoid dying at your character's hands.
Continuity - 20%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I saw. Rationale: No issues that I saw.
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade's Score: 4.3 Evelynn Wyrm's Score: 4.05
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, bipedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

"What the brix are we doing here, Master?" Aexod inquired, getting more and more nervous due to his surroundings. If this was some sort of training, it was not working. The only thing this trip caused was his anger to build up, and his lips to dry. They've been walking through endless fields of thick, tall grass, and judging by the dull panorama, it wasn't about to end anytime soon. He wasn't exhausted by any means, he just wasn't seeing the point of all this nonsense.

"You'll see soon enough," Darkblade answered quietly. "For now, keep quiet and follow me."

If there's one thing Aexod hated, it was doing someone's bidding without seeing a point to it. He could be training his lightsaber skills, improving his control of the dark side of the Force, but no, Darkblade had him running blue milk runs in the middle of nowhere. He scoffed silently, not to be heard by his master.

"Just a means to an end, that's all. Soon I won't have to listen to this deluded old man anymore. Soon I will be my own master," he thought to himself, looking at his feet, annoyed with himself for allowing anyone to command him. This was the last time he would have to put up with this nonsense.

He looked back up, and noticed he was completely alone. He spun around in attempt to find his master, but there was no one in sight.

"Darkblade?" he yelled, his voice muffled by the vast emptiness around him. "I'm not in the mood for games!"

Out of nowhere, he felt a piercing blow to his left shoulder, which knocked him to his feet. Above him stood a huge orange beast, it’s teeth out and ready to bite. But he wouldn’t get the bite off. Aexod tapped into the Force, using his full concentration to command the creature to get off him, which is precisely what it did. He reached for his zhaboka, and just as he was about to lose control of the creature’s mind, he swung the blade at it, connecting with the neck, and piercing the flesh. The skin was hard, it would take more than one blow to decapitate this beast. He thrust repeatedly, feeling the cut deepen with each thrust, until finally the head detached from the rest of the body. He stood next to the creature, watching its head hit the ground and roll away, quickly followed by the rest of the lifeless body collapsing next to it.

This was the first time in a long, long time that Aexod was caught off-guard like this. He would never let something like this happen to him.

“Darkblade,” he murmured, anger once again building up inside him as his facial expression evolved into a scowl. “Must have used his mind trickery to dull my senses.”

“You’re weaker than I thought. I wasn’t even trying,” Darkblade’s voice full of mockery came from behind him. “Do you think I don’t know what you are planning? Do you find me that dim-witted? You know nothing about power! You are nothing!”

Aexod couldn’t control himself anymore. He charged forward and aimed his zhaboka at his master’s chest, just as Darkblade’s lightsaber left his waist and fell into his hand, igniting immediately. With one quick motion, he cut the zhaboka in half, denying the attack.

“Wrong move kid. Now you will die.”

Ala'ar Rinn, 28 September, 2015 4:41 PM UTC

Good start to the conflict. I like the idea of the impatient student Daniel-san type vs. Evil Miyagi.

Also, good use of your sheet and your opponent's with the Beast Control and the Force Interrogation I Feat from the other player.

Well done..!


Syntax

Out of nowhere, he felt a piercing blow to his left shoulder, which knocked him to his feet. Above him stood a huge orange beast, it’s teeth out and ready to bite. But he wouldn’t get the bite off.

This section above was a bit confusing. At first I though that you had been subjected to a Telekinetic strike or had been shot at because of the "piercing blow" to the left shoulder, and that because of the blow, you noticed the Akul up in the trees... (above you). But he couldn't get the bite off kinda clued me that an Akul got the better of you.

Summary: with a small rewrite, that section would have been much clearer.

Another apprentice that is impatient the Knight thought to himself. Feeling slightly disappointed at yet another student failing to understand the importance of patience, the Anzat figured it would be best to get rid of the Zabrak and stop taking on Apprentices. As the blades of the cut in half Zhaboka clattered to the ground a cloud of dust threw up into the air by the impact. Without a seconds thought, the Seeker sprang forward with his blade ignited. Juliette would make short work of the Zabrak he figured, as he toyed the hilt of his blade fondly.

Aexod had different plans however, realizing his mistake would be fatal if he did not prove himself now, he allowed the Knight to get within striking distance. Knowing Darkblade would underestimate him and the Anzat wouldn’t use his full speed and strength, the Marauder lashed out with a strike filled with hatred and desperation. Fueled by the Force, Aexod struck out at the oncoming Seeker faster than he was normally capable of, catching his Master completely off guard in the chest with a well timed punch. This halted the attack and gave time for the Zabrak to jump backwards reaching for his own armory saber.

The Anzat coughed and held his hand to his chest realizing he would have a few bruises by tonight. Looking towards his apprentice he smirked and rose an eyebrow. “So you do know how to be patient when your life depends on it. Why can't you damn younglings ever be good students and just do what you are told when you are told instead of having to provoke me constantly?”. The Zabrak looked back, fear slowly dissipating and his cocky demeanor returning. So my Master isn’t invincible he thought to himself. Knowing he could hurt and possibly kill Darkblade, this renewed his confidence. Whilst still unskilled even with the basic forms of lightsaber combat he felt a sense of safety behind the red blade as it sprang to life with a snap-hiss.

“You underestimate me constantly. You send me on time wasting missions, whilst I should be learning and practicing more important matters like lightsaber combat, weapons training and the usage of the Force. Instead you have me running around on far off planets with you to test my patience. I’ve had it with these bogus missions and I feel ready to show you that I am deserving of more.” Aexod stated boldly, as he planted his feet wide and stood tall.

“Fool.” Darkblade muttered. “We are no longer just two Sith in this Galaxy. If you plan to climb the ranks within the Dark Jedi Brotherhood and live you need to understand that not everything can be gained by taking it from others because you think you deserve it. You have to want it bad enough to give your life for it, but you also need to be smart enough to think ahead about what you will do with whatever you have acquired or done to continue surviving. Unless you already have another Master willing to teach you, should you for some reason miraculously kill me, what will you do then my Apprentice?”.

The Anzat waited no longer, throwing out his left arm and summoning the Force to impair the movement of his Apprentice. The Marauder felt his body slowly becoming unresponsive to his commands, and stared in horror as his Master strolled towards him. “This is the end for you. I shall not mourn your passing, you have learned nothing from these past few weeks and I am not willing to waste my precious time training an ignorant brat like you.” As Darkblade walked towards his Apprentice, an old image of him in a situation like this entered his mind. I was just like him when I challenged Meleu and lost. Look what became of me he thought to himself.

Reaching a decision, the Seeker walked up to the Zabrak and smashed his fist into his face. The effects of the stun were finally dissipating and a step back kept Aexod from crashing to the ground. Darkblade struck out again, feeling bone break as he landed another strike on the nose. Blood spurted in all directions, as the Marauder howled out in pain he braced himself for another punch that shattered his teeth as the cold metal of what could only be a lightsaber hilt left his mouth.

The abuse his face had taken was too much, Darkblade’s Apprentice dropped to the ground on his knees. Reaching out towards the necklace of Akk dog teeth the Zabrak wore, the Anzat tore it off and held it in his left hand. “I have something you want. Will you take it from me, knowing full well it could be your death? Or will you cower in the dirt and lick your wounds until you know you can actually stand a chance of taking them from me?” Darkblade growled as he felt the need to feed rise. Letting his proboscis slide out from their hidden pockets in his cheeks, he breathed in deeply, savoring the taste of fear and metallic smell of blood.

Looking around him, the Seeker realized it had started to darken. The sun was setting and before long it would be nighttime. The howls of Akul started to fill the air, signaling they had also taken note of the scent of blood.

Ala'ar Rinn, 28 September, 2015 5:20 PM UTC

I really enjoyed the following section of your post. Well done..! I could really feel the "Evil Mister Miyagi" disappointment.

“Fool.” Darkblade muttered. “We are no longer just two Sith in this Galaxy. If you plan to climb the ranks within the Dark Jedi Brotherhood and live you need to understand that not everything can be gained by taking it from others because you think you deserve it. You have to want it bad enough to give your life for it, but you also need to be smart enough to think ahead about what you will do with whatever you have acquired or done to continue surviving. Unless you already have another Master willing to teach you, should you for some reason miraculously kill me, what will you do then my Apprentice?”.

The Anzat waited no longer, throwing out his left arm and summoning the Force to impair the movement of his Apprentice. The Marauder felt his body slowly becoming unresponsive to his commands, and stared in horror as his Master strolled towards him. “This is the end for you. I shall not mourn your passing, you have learned nothing from these past few weeks and I am not willing to waste my precious time training an ignorant brat like you.”


Syntax

As the [shattered] blades of the cut in half Zhaboka clattered to the ground[,] a cloud of dust [was thrown] up into the air by the impact.

The bolded section above is very awkward and could technically be removed from the sentence without impacting the flow. In other words, the words are cluttering your sentence. Sometimes simpler is better.

Juliette would make short work of the Zabrak[,] he figured, as he toyed the hilt of his blade fondly.

The comma after the word figured wasn't needed, and should have gone after the word Zabrak instead.

Aexod struck out at the oncoming Seeker faster than he was normally capable of, catching his Master completely off guard in the chest with a [well-timed] punch.

Blood spurted in all directions, as the Marauder howled out in pain [and] braced himself for [the other] punch that shattered his teeth as the cold metal of what could only be a lightsaber hilt left his mouth.

No comma needed after the word directions; some revisions throughout for flow and clarity.

[...]what will you do then my Apprentice?”.

That period at the end of this section isn't needed because your already have a valid end to the phrase with your question mark.

He's too powerful, Aexod thought, spitting half coagulated blood that was dripping from his mouth. He was in no shape to fight back. He felt as if he was being drained of his life force, growing weaker every second. The bitter taste of his blood mixed with the sour taste of shame that he felt for the first time since he was a child back on Iridonia. He was defeated, and there was nothing he could do about it. It was foolish of him to think that he could defeat a Knight in direct combat. He had never been humiliated like this in his life.

"I am sorry, Master, I have failed you." Aexod said in a semi-whisper, the words leaving his mouth reluctantly. When word of this got to the rest of House Marka Ragnos, he'd be condemned to death for sure.

"You'd better be, next time you won't live long enough to apologize." The Anzat responded, loosening the grip he had on his apprentice. "Now get up, we have to get out of here."

It was too late for that. The rustling of Turu-grass implied they were no longer alone. In a matter of seconds, they were surrounded by four of the same orange beasts that had attacked Aexod earlier. He stood up, using the Force to dull his pain receptors, making him able to focus on the urgent matter at hand. Darkblade redirected his attention to this new threat, and took up his Makashi lightsaber form, preparing for the attack. Aexod, desperate to survive, picked up the two blades left over from his zhaboka being cut in half. As the beasts charged forward, the master and his apprentice stood back to back, in a formation they had practiced many times, leaving no weak sides open.

Darkblade made quick work of one of the beasts, using his lightsaber to split it in half, watching as the intestines spill from the now desecrated body. Aexod didn’t have as easy a challenge as his master did. Using one blade to parry the furious leaps the Akul made, he only managed to summon enough strength to inflict minor injuries to the rough skin of the savage with his off-hand. Finally, in its ferocity, the Akul made a reckless jump toward the Neophyte’s left hand, which left the right hand open for a forceful strike on the beast’s neck. The Akul fell to the ground, it’s growl diminishing into a painful whimper.

The split second Aexod had to regain his composure was enough for him to realize what had to happen next. As the second beast charged at him, he tapped into the Force once again, making sure the beast couldn’t change his direction. At the very moment Darkblade had slain his second Akul, Aexod leapt out of the way, watching as the last of the beasts tackled the Knight from behind with full force, sinking it’s teeth into his back. A scream of pain exited Darkblade’s mouth as he was knocked to the ground, dropping his lightsaber. The Akul kept lashing at his opponent, spilling his blood all over the already drenched savannah ground. Aexod quickly rolled to the side, grabbing the Anzat’s already ignited lightsaber, and swiftly cut off the beast’s head, stopping him from killing his master. That was his job now, and it was served on a golden platter.

“You’re too forgiving for a Sith. Your empathy and trust got you where you are, rolling on the floor and screaming in pain!” Aexod yelled, pointing the lightsaber at it’s former owner. “You should have killed me when you had the chance, but you were too weak. I don’t need a weak master.”

Darkblade rolled over and let his gaze fall upon his apprentice. The injuries from the battle left him scarred, his lungs were pierced, preventing him from breathing normally.

“You...will never...succeed…” he said, and exhaled deeply for the last time in his life.

“I already have,” Aexod replied, thrusting the lightsaber in his hand into his former master’s chest. He made his way back toward their ship, hoping that the scent of fresh blood from the battle would redirect the other Akul’s attention from him.

Ala'ar Rinn, 28 September, 2015 6:11 PM UTC

Lovely ending post..!

Very unwise, Daniel-san! Killing your master so and risking your character's eternal damnation as his ghost hunts you forever... ^.^


Syntax

This next section is a mash up of several ideas at once, which means it should be separated into different paragraphs to make it easier to read.

It was too late for that. The rustling of Turu-grass implied they were no longer alone. In a matter of seconds, they were surrounded by four of the same orange beasts that had attacked Aexod earlier. He stood up, using the Force to dull his pain receptors, making him able to focus on the urgent matter at hand. Darkblade redirected his attention to this new threat, and took up his Makashi lightsaber form, preparing for the attack. Aexod, desperate to survive, picked up the two blades left over from his zhaboka being cut in half. As the beasts charged forward, the master and his apprentice stood back to back, in a formation they had practiced many times, leaving no weak sides open.

Suggested:

It was too late for that. The rustling of Turu-grass implied they were no longer alone. In a matter of seconds, they were surrounded by four of the same orange beasts that had attacked Aexod earlier.

The above section should be its own paragraph since it describes the Akul circling the two of you. We start a new paragraph after that because it shows your characters reacting:

[Aexod?] stood up, using the Force to dull his pain receptors, [allowing him] to focus on the urgent matter at hand. Darkblade redirected his attention to this new threat, [taking] up his Makashi lightsaber form, [and] preparing for the attack. Aexod, desperate to survive, picked up the two blades left over from his zhaboka being cut in half.

New idea, the beasts are now attacking and the Master and Apprentice are ready to face them:

As the beasts charged forward, the master and his apprentice stood back to back, in a formation they had practiced many times, leaving no weak sides open.


Lovely imagery here:

Darkblade made quick work of one of the beasts, using his lightsaber to split it in half, watching as the intestines [spilled] from the now desecrated body.


Here too! The following section was a nice read, but you could have split it up a bit.

You also need to be careful about your choice of pronouns while describing creatures. Normally, his/her would be used for people, it/its would be used for creatures. It's especially confusing when you mix in you, your master, plus the Akuls into the mix.

The split second Aexod had to regain his composure was enough for him to realize what had to happen next. As the second beast charged at him, he tapped into the Force once again, making sure the beast couldn’t change [its] direction.

At the very moment Darkblade had slain his second Akul, Aexod leapt out of the way, watching as the last of the beasts tackled the Knight from behind with full force, sinking [its] teeth into his back. A scream of pain exited Darkblade’s mouth as he was knocked to the ground, dropping his lightsaber. The Akul kept lashing at his opponent, spilling his blood all over the already drenched savannah ground.

Aexod quickly rolled to the side, grabbing the Anzat’s already ignited lightsaber, and swiftly cut off the beast’s head, stopping [it] from killing his master.


..pointing the lightsaber at [its] former owner.

The Anzat looked towards his Apprentice who was slowly getting up. Despite the pain he must be in, Darkblade admired Aexod’s ability to use the Force and erase the pain from his mind. Either that, or the Zabrak was just more used to pain and used that to go on the Knight thought. It didn’t matter how he was dealing with the pain, the fact he was up and could move would be beneficial for them both if they wanted to survive the coming nightfall. “It seems there is more to you than meets the eye, Apprentice.” Darkblade muttered. “I will not allow you to take my stuff from me. This ends here and now.” the Zabrak said as he spat out teeth and blood.

“We don't have time for this. The Akul will be upon us shortly. Unless you-” the Seeker was cut off as the Marauder charged forward. Reaching out with his right hand as he raced towards his Master, Aexod’s lightsaber sprang towards him igniting in the air before the hilt found his hand. The all consuming hatred and anger fueled his attack, as he reached up high and brought down his lightsaber in a mighty two handed strike. The Anzat was unable to block in time, and rolled to the right of the attack, hearing the familiar hum of the lightsaber swing past him. Letting momentum take him further, the Seeker put as much distance between him and his Apprentice as possible, yet was surprised when he saw the Neophyte was not going to pause their fight. The Zabrak cursed and continued his assault once again. He concentrated on using the Force to propel him forwards, this time using cold and calculated strikes. Master and Apprentice battled it out in the fields of the Savannah.

The howls of the Akul sounded closer, as if in pitch with the battle. The grass around the two warriors swayed slightly as the wind started to pick up, bringing a chill with it that seeped through the clothing and started to chill to the bone. Darkblade controlled his breathing as he parried and blocked the erratic and simple strikes from his Apprentice. This lesson is needed even though I did not plan it the Knight thought to himself. Despite the adrenaline coursing through his Apprentice and his amazing endurance, a racial feat that ran through all Zabrak, he notice that the young Journeymen’s breathing was becoming heavy and labored. Drops of rain started to fall from the night sky and within seconds drenched the both of them.

Enough” Darkblade shouted. The Force empowering his words and bringing his defiant Apprentice to an immediate halt. Concentrating, the Anzat summoned a cloud of utter pitch blackness to surround the Zabrak, watching as it spread out around him a few meters in all directions. “Despite your unruly and wild behaviour I have decided to allow you one final chance to impress me. Meet me back at my office in Lyspair within a week and we will continue your training. Do not bother coming to me after this week has passed, for I shall slay you where you stand.” With that, Darkblade slipped into the night leaving Aexod to deal with the incoming pack of Akul.

Blind and unable to sense anything, Aexod howled in fury. His Master had tricked him, humiliated him and taken one of his possessions from him. As the blackness dissipated around him, the Marauder took on his surroundings. The small pack of Akul, consisting of 3, had surrounded him. He was drenched through to his skin and the only way out seemed to be to kill the pack and somehow find a ship to get off planet. One week seemed reasonable as long as he did not waste too much time here. Vowing to make it back to Lyspair alive, continue his training and then kill his Master rejuvinated Aexod. Stripping off his drenched shirt and pants, discarding them into the grass, the Sith growled towards the Akul standing in front of him. Letting out a warriors howl the Marauder charged forward, lightsaber at the ready, Darkblade laying dead on the ground under his feet in his thoughts.

As Darkblade raced across the savannah, he could feel the anger from his Apprentice seething outwards and washing over him, whilst lighting him up like a beacon in the Force. Knowing the Zabrak would survive this encounter, the Anzat would need to figure out how to deal with him back on Lyspair. Still clenching the necklace he had taken from Aexod’s neck, the Knight looked forward to the moment his Apprentice would try to reclaim them.

Ala'ar Rinn, 28 September, 2015 7:15 PM UTC

Lovely ending here! I really liked how you schooled the impetuous stutent. Well done, especially as it can lead to another conflict down the road and is good for role play.


Syntax!

You also have long walls of text like Aexod which might benefit from splitting into smaller chunks. For example, the following dialogue should be split from the first and third paragraph.

“It seems there is more to you than meets the eye, Apprentice[,]” Darkblade muttered.

“I will not allow you to take my stuff from me. This ends here and now[,]” the Zabrak said as he spat out teeth and blood.

“We don't have time for this. The Akul will be upon us shortly. Unless you-” the Seeker was cut off as the Marauder charged forward.

Aexod's reaction to you letting him swing past you might also be a good spot to start a new action sequence / paragraph.


Reaching out with his right hand as he raced towards his Master, Aexod’s lightsaber sprang towards him[,] igniting in the air before the hilt found his hand. The [all-consuming] hatred and anger fueled his attack, as he reached up high and brought down his lightsaber in a mighty two handed strike.

No comma needed after the word attack.


The grass around the two warriors swayed slightly as the wind started to pick up, bringing a chill with it that seeped through [their] clothing and started to chill to the bone.

Despite the adrenaline coursing through his Apprentice and his amazing endurance [--] a racial feat that ran through all Zabrak [--] he notice that the young [Journeyman’s] breathing was becoming heavy and labored.

“Enough[!]” Darkblade shouted[,] [the] Force empowering his words and bringing his defiant Apprentice to an immediate halt.

“Despite your unruly and wild behaviour[,] I have decided to allow you one final chance to impress me.

The small pack of Akul, consisting of [three],

Letting out a warrior[']s howl[,] the Marauder...