Dracaryis steadied himself as the Battlelord charged. Quickly shifting his weight, he attempted to dodge the oncoming attack by leaping to his right. This time, the Epicanthrix anticipated his movement, throwing an outstretched arm into the Warrior’s throat. Dracaryis crumpled backwards, landing with a loud thud onto the jungle floor.
Callus turned and surveyed his opponent. Laughing sarcastically, he said, “is this really the best that House Ajunta Pall has? This is the hero of the Anchorage? This is the man who led Clan Plagueis to victory? I’ve killed better men than you. Pathetic.”
Dracaryis rolled onto his stomach and rose to face his attacker. Spitting blood onto the damp floor of the Karufr jungle, he rooted his feet into the ground and prepared for Callus’ next attack.
“We’ll see who the better man is, my friend.” Dracaryis growled.
Once more, Callus charged. The two Quaestors stood rooted to the spot, exchanging blow after blow from fists and kicks, each man blocking and absorbing the other’s attack. For the two Broken Gate practitioners, this would come down to who could inflict the most damage rather than who could outmaneuver the other. Over and over again, the two exchanged strike after strike, block after block, until both men were bloodied and gasping for breath. After what seemed like thirty minutes, both men took a few steps back to catch their breath.
Callus stood a few feet away, his face bloodied and his right eye swelled shut. Dracaryis had a black eye of his own, as well as what felt like two or three broken ribs. During the lull in combat, the circle of Massasai began to chant and stamp their feet again. These warriors wanted a fight. The Chief watched the two hungrily, grunting in his native language, egging the two men to continue fighting.
Dracaryis surveyed his surroundings again. The circle of warriors, the war chief, his opponent and Clan ally bloodied and hurt; Dracaryis realized suddenly that he had no memory of how he had come to this planet. There was little here of interest to Clan Plagueis, save the fact that the Massasai were allies of Clan Taldryan. Dracaryis racked his brain. What had brought him here? What was Callus doing here? The Warrior’s brain was foggy and his memories seemed distorted. The last thing he could distinctly recall was being in the cockpit of an X-Wing fighter on a solo patrol of the outer perimeter Stygian Caldera. He recalled seeing a blip on his nav display, and after that, nothing. Snapping back to the present, Dracaryis looked over at Callus, who was also wearing a somewhat blank expression.
“Callus,” Dracaryis called. “Do you have any idea how you got here?”
Callus looked up at Dracaryis, squinting through his swollen eyes. “Actually, no. I have no idea how I got here. How did you get here?”
Dracaryis shook his head. “Something’s off, man. I don’t even think we’re supposed to be here. I can’t remember getting here. The last thing I recall was patrolling the nebula. Then I was here, fighting you.”
Callus looked around the circle. The Massasai were growing restless, closing the circle tighter around the two Plagueians. The Chief shouted again, commanding the men to fight. Two spears were thrown into the middle of the ring.
“Drac, can you sense if anything is off? Concentrate, man.”
Dracaryis nodded. Closing his eyes, he cast his thoughts out beyond the circle, reaching out with his mind as far as his limited sense abilities were able. Further and further he tried to push his thoughts, grasping for anything that could explain why he and Callus were trying to bludgeon each other to death in the middle of this strange jungle world.
And then, without warning, Dracaryis felt his mind being ravaged by an unknown force. He dropped to the ground screaming in agony as the unseen assailant clawed and scratched at the inside of his skull.
Fight. Kill him.
Through the pain, Dracaryis shouted to Callus, “There’s someone else here! He’s in my mind. Whoever this is, he’s the reason we are here. Callus…help me!”
Unable to stand, Dracaryis felt the presence inside his head again.
Get up! Kill him. Do as I command! You are mine!
Dracaryis mind went suddenly blank. Standing, he summoned his and Callus’ lightsabers to his hand. Igniting them, and with a suddenly savage look on his face, he faced his ally once again.
“Yes, master. I will kill him.”
And with that, Dracaryis charged.
I would recommend a comma after "The air was thick". This reads as a natural pause in the flow, the punctuation helps cement that in the reader.
Same as above with this one, a comma would have been best placed "his shoulders, the large".
It's just "Proconsul".
Show me the difference in weight, don't just tell me. Describe how the weight is carried differently, maybe it is something in the way he stands that denotes the difference in weight. This is just numbers on the page and doesn't evoke much imagery.
This should be a comma, not a period, in the dialogue since it is connected to the speaker portion. Also, there doesn't appear to be a period after "quipped".
Since you used a comma leading into the dialogue, it is a continuation of the same sentence and "Not" doesn't need to have a capital.
Missed the comma (or any punctuation) inside the dialogue, leading into the rest of the sentence.
What I found you did well here, was establishing quickly the history between the characters. This is good, since you never know what the reader has in way of backstory. Other than that, you aren't always clear with your dialogue and it leaves the reader having to guess who the speaker is. Something to be conscious of.