Battlelord Callus Bo'Amar vs. Knight Dracaryis

Battlelord Callus Bo'Amar

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Epicanthix, Sith, Juggernaut, Obelisk
vs.

Knight Dracaryis

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
Comment

This was a different take on this venue, and definitely showed the strengths you two have. Neither of you were without your personal issues, but there was a lot you did well here beyond those missteps.

The major takeaways here would be maintaining realism to the Character Sheets, in relation to what powers you have and do not have, as well as how they interact with the world of Star Wars. Beyond this, try to sit down and think of what really makes an interesting story. Is it the scenery? Is it the emotions of the characters coming out the page? Is it the hook that pulls you from word to word?

Once you get that locked in, you have the reader at your mercy and will be creating a world within their imagination, instead of so many words on the page. Every story needs the basics, your beginning middle and end, but the ACC is special (in fact much of the DJB events are) in the sense that this is a snapshot into the lives of these characters. There is before, and in many cases there will be an after. Give the reader a sense of this scope, this scale, and let them into the world beyond the here and now.

Hope that makes sense, as I like what you guys did here and hope to see you do more.

That said, I have to declare the winner. In this match, Warrior Dracaryis has earned the nod.

Hall Scenario Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Callus Bo'Amar, Knight Dracaryis
Winner Knight Dracaryis
Force Setting Unleashed
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Callus Bo'Amar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Dracaryis's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 9 October, 2015 4:51 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Callus Bo'amar Master Dracaryis
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: You had a lot of repeated issues, which I have tried to highlight and touch upon in the comments. Rationale: Few if any issues were found, in terms of syntax.
Story - 40%
Callus Bo'amar Master Dracaryis
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Your story was complete, from a technical stand point. However, it never really felt like you had the lead between you and your opponent. You set up the history, which was good, but then just left it to your opponent to carry the weight of the story telling. Rationale: You did a good job trying to carve a story out of the venue's set up, and your opponent's leading post. IT felt like you alone drove the meat of the story, leading your opponent along the ballroom floor. However, your first post glossed over a major amount of conflict that felt rushed and just left the reader with a desire for more actual content. This kept you from a higher score.
Realism - 25%
Callus Bo'amar Master Dracaryis
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: I had to take this issue to the judge's box and confer with my peers as to the validity of the section I highlighted in your second post. In the end, it was agreed that while the imagery was well done, it was unrealistic to the Force Powers you possess. Rationale: Your issue cropped up in your final post, look to the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Callus Bo'amar Master Dracaryis
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No real continuity issues that I saw. Rationale: No real continuity issues that I saw.
Callus Bo'amar's Score: 3.65 Master Dracaryis's Score: 4.35
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

Callus took a deep breath and removed the light jacket he was wearing to reveal a short sleeved blue shirt. The action allowed him to relax and feel a bit cooler in the humidity of the jungle. The air was thick he almost felt he could cut pieces of it off and eat it. There was a light mist in the air and the canopy of trees obscured the clouded sunlight. He tossed the jacket aside and stretched his shoulders the large muscles in his deltoids and trapezius contracting and extending. He then squatted down and loosened the muscles in his hips and thighs, his heels grinding against the hard packed dirt of the training grounds.

The jungle was teeming with life, not just the beings that he could see but the hundreds of creatures that inhabited this place. It was a bit of an overwhelming sensation. Callus normally kept to himself or to small numbers of people. Callus completely opened his senses to the Force and could feel the energy that flooded the place, it was intoxicating. He had always felt this way when he allowed himself to be open to the Force, like standing in the ocean being buffeted by wave after wave. Both terrifying and exhilarating. He let out a long breath and brought his focus back to the here and now.

His eyes slowly surveyed the scene and took in his opponent. He was quite familiar with the human standing opposite him. The Left Wing of Dread, Quaestor of House Ajunta Pall, his opposite number in Clan Plagueis. Recently elevated to the position after a time of cow towing at the boot of Selika Roh, now ProConsul. The man had proven himself capable during the Great Jedi War and more recently during the assault and recapture of the Anchorage space station from Xander Drax and his compatriots. He was an unassuming figure neither exceedingly large or small with few distinguishing features. Callus and Dracaryis stood nearly the same height though Callus outweighed the slightly younger man by more 20 kilograms. Callus gave him a small grin and stood. “I wondered when we would get a chance to do this. You know really get a chance to see what you’re made of.” Callus unclipped his weapon belt and tossed it, along with his lightsaber and blaster to the side near the edge of the ring of onlookers.

“I’m sure, besides an old man like you needs his exercise.” Dracaryis quipped

“That’s true, you can only thrash journeymen for so long until that gets just so boring, need to work on something a little tougher.”

“No weapons?” The Knight asked looking down at Callus’ discarded arms, “Not smart.”

“I don’t plan on killing you. Today.” Callus chuckled with a sardonic grin. He cracked his knuckles and nodded to the man across from him. “Common courtesy and all that.”

“Right well I will keep my weapons if you don’t mind” the Human replied patting the lightsaber at his hip.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Callus said his expression turning serious. They both knew that Callus could retrieve his weapons at any moment with an application of the Force.

There was a heartbeat and Callus erupted into action. He closed the gap in 3 long strides and reared back to deliver a leaping punch to Dracaryis’ eye. The Knight dodged easily as Callus rolled back to his feet. “Good would have been pretty bad if it had ended there. Would have been worried about the future prospects of your house.” Callus brushed a bit of dirt off of his pants and readied himself to attack. The two fighters circled to the right for a moment, then seemingly without any rhyme or reason Callus launched himself towards the Knight.

Darth Renatus, 14 October, 2015 12:49 AM UTC

The air was thick he almost felt he could cut pieces of it off and eat it.

I would recommend a comma after "The air was thick". This reads as a natural pause in the flow, the punctuation helps cement that in the reader.

He tossed the jacket aside and stretched his shoulders the large muscles in his deltoids and trapezius contracting and extending.

Same as above with this one, a comma would have been best placed "his shoulders, the large".

now ProConsul.

It's just "Proconsul".

Callus and Dracaryis stood nearly the same height though Callus outweighed the slightly younger man by more 20 kilograms.

Show me the difference in weight, don't just tell me. Describe how the weight is carried differently, maybe it is something in the way he stands that denotes the difference in weight. This is just numbers on the page and doesn't evoke much imagery.

“I’m sure, besides an old man like you needs his exercise.” Dracaryis quipped

This should be a comma, not a period, in the dialogue since it is connected to the speaker portion. Also, there doesn't appear to be a period after "quipped".

The Knight asked looking down at Callus’ discarded arms, “Not smart.”

Since you used a comma leading into the dialogue, it is a continuation of the same sentence and "Not" doesn't need to have a capital.

“Right well I will keep my weapons if you don’t mind” the Human replied patting the lightsaber at his hip.

Missed the comma (or any punctuation) inside the dialogue, leading into the rest of the sentence.


What I found you did well here, was establishing quickly the history between the characters. This is good, since you never know what the reader has in way of backstory. Other than that, you aren't always clear with your dialogue and it leaves the reader having to guess who the speaker is. Something to be conscious of.

Dracaryis steadied himself as the Battlelord charged. Quickly shifting his weight, he attempted to dodge the oncoming attack by leaping to his right. This time, the Epicanthrix anticipated his movement, throwing an outstretched arm into the Warrior’s throat. Dracaryis crumpled backwards, landing with a loud thud onto the jungle floor.

Callus turned and surveyed his opponent. Laughing sarcastically, he said, “is this really the best that House Ajunta Pall has? This is the hero of the Anchorage? This is the man who led Clan Plagueis to victory? I’ve killed better men than you. Pathetic.”

Dracaryis rolled onto his stomach and rose to face his attacker. Spitting blood onto the damp floor of the Karufr jungle, he rooted his feet into the ground and prepared for Callus’ next attack.

“We’ll see who the better man is, my friend.” Dracaryis growled.

Once more, Callus charged. The two Quaestors stood rooted to the spot, exchanging blow after blow from fists and kicks, each man blocking and absorbing the other’s attack. For the two Broken Gate practitioners, this would come down to who could inflict the most damage rather than who could outmaneuver the other. Over and over again, the two exchanged strike after strike, block after block, until both men were bloodied and gasping for breath. After what seemed like thirty minutes, both men took a few steps back to catch their breath.

Callus stood a few feet away, his face bloodied and his right eye swelled shut. Dracaryis had a black eye of his own, as well as what felt like two or three broken ribs. During the lull in combat, the circle of Massasai began to chant and stamp their feet again. These warriors wanted a fight. The Chief watched the two hungrily, grunting in his native language, egging the two men to continue fighting.

Dracaryis surveyed his surroundings again. The circle of warriors, the war chief, his opponent and Clan ally bloodied and hurt; Dracaryis realized suddenly that he had no memory of how he had come to this planet. There was little here of interest to Clan Plagueis, save the fact that the Massasai were allies of Clan Taldryan. Dracaryis racked his brain. What had brought him here? What was Callus doing here? The Warrior’s brain was foggy and his memories seemed distorted. The last thing he could distinctly recall was being in the cockpit of an X-Wing fighter on a solo patrol of the outer perimeter Stygian Caldera. He recalled seeing a blip on his nav display, and after that, nothing. Snapping back to the present, Dracaryis looked over at Callus, who was also wearing a somewhat blank expression.

“Callus,” Dracaryis called. “Do you have any idea how you got here?”

Callus looked up at Dracaryis, squinting through his swollen eyes. “Actually, no. I have no idea how I got here. How did you get here?”

Dracaryis shook his head. “Something’s off, man. I don’t even think we’re supposed to be here. I can’t remember getting here. The last thing I recall was patrolling the nebula. Then I was here, fighting you.”

Callus looked around the circle. The Massasai were growing restless, closing the circle tighter around the two Plagueians. The Chief shouted again, commanding the men to fight. Two spears were thrown into the middle of the ring.

“Drac, can you sense if anything is off? Concentrate, man.”

Dracaryis nodded. Closing his eyes, he cast his thoughts out beyond the circle, reaching out with his mind as far as his limited sense abilities were able. Further and further he tried to push his thoughts, grasping for anything that could explain why he and Callus were trying to bludgeon each other to death in the middle of this strange jungle world.

And then, without warning, Dracaryis felt his mind being ravaged by an unknown force. He dropped to the ground screaming in agony as the unseen assailant clawed and scratched at the inside of his skull.

Fight. Kill him.

Through the pain, Dracaryis shouted to Callus, “There’s someone else here! He’s in my mind. Whoever this is, he’s the reason we are here. Callus…help me!”

Unable to stand, Dracaryis felt the presence inside his head again.

Get up! Kill him. Do as I command! You are mine!

Dracaryis mind went suddenly blank. Standing, he summoned his and Callus’ lightsabers to his hand. Igniting them, and with a suddenly savage look on his face, he faced his ally once again.

“Yes, master. I will kill him.”

And with that, Dracaryis charged.

Darth Renatus, 14 October, 2015 1:02 AM UTC

Over and over again, the two exchanged strike after strike, block after block, until both men were bloodied and gasping for breath. After what seemed like thirty minutes, both men took a few steps back to catch their breath.

The main issue with this is that so much of the conflict here is being glossed over. It comes across as rushed and uninteresting.

Through the pain, Dracaryis shouted to Callus, “There’s someone else here!

Since you used a comma to lead into the dialogue, "There's" doesn't need the capital.


Other than the issues I pointed out above, your writing is solid in this post. Your syntax is pretty strong throughout, however the sudden change in theme for the story feels very abrupt. A slower realization that something was off may have benefited you better.

Callus didn’t know what sort of entity was compelling Dracaryis to lash out in apparent madness and he didn’t know what sort of abilities it may give the Knight, he wasn’t keen to find out either.

Out of instinct, rather than any sort of planning Callus called the force to himself and leapt backwards into the crowd of Massassi. The blur of blue and red was barely perceived as Dracaryis reared in anger and stormed into the crowd of warriors, blades swirling wildly and driving the beings back. Callus knew he needed to react quickly and rammed his shoulder into a nearby onlooker and ripped the crude sword from it’s belt. With a growl Dracaryis appeared as the red skinned sea parted between them. The fire behind Dracaryis’ eyes was gone, replaced by cold hatred, not the passionate rage that usually accompanied his presence in the Force. Nothing felt right in the Force to Callus, the current was off, like the tides were backwards. He wondered if he could even, in this state of upheaval, compel the force to his will consciously instead of from pure instinct. However his quarry would give him no quarter to test his theories.

The electric tendrils at the small of his back that signaled impending danger compelled Callus to dig his feet in as Dracaryis flung his hands forward as a concentrated burst of Force energy in his direction. The force of the attack was impressive from a relative novice to this level of combat but the look of surprise in the eyes of the Left Wing of Dread brought a grin to the corner of Callus’ mouth.

“Don’t look so surprised. You know very well who I am. I am Callus Bo’Amar, the Right Wing of Dread,” as he spoke he amplified his presence through the force, and spread his arms wide, “the list of my achievements is greater than those of your entire family. I’ve stood victorious over a hundred battles and thousands of foes. My victory is assured no matter what powers you have acquired from your ‘master’.” The Force boiled and churned about him, the sky seemed to darken and an eerie silence fell across the training field. He could perceive the mighty Massassi warriors shrinking away from his but his stone grey gaze fell solely on the Knight. There was a slight uncertainty in the cold of Dracaryis’ eyes and Callus had his opening.

The Battlelord rushed the Knight and threw his confiscated weapon in the general direction of his target. Dracaryis fell back a step on his heels and slashed the weapon in half with Callus’ own blade but took his eyes off of the Epicanthix for a split second and then Callus launched his body in a flying tackle that would have made a highlight holo worthy of Smashball great Rip Calkin. Both Quaestors crashed to the packed earth and Callus heard the breath leave the Human’s lungs. Callus pushed himself up on his hands and knees and delivered a hammer fist into Dracaryis’ teeth. Both lightsabers fell from his grasp and Callus scrambled to his feet and scooped up his blade. He kicked Dracaryis’ weapon into the crowd of onlooking Massassi as the man stood up. Blood flowing from his mouth the Knight spat a combination of saliva, blood, and possibly a tooth to the ground. The cold hatred was still there in his eyes but Callus knew that somewhere the man that was Dracaryis was still there, it had shown in the slight hesitation earlier, perhaps it would just require a bit more of a beating to get him to come back to the surface. Callus was happy to oblige.

He slipped his lightsaber into a pocket on his pants and exhaled a long breath. He noticed the crowd had reformed a circle around them about 10 yards in diameter. The strange feeling in the Force was still there, not as strong perhaps but still there creating a swirling tumultuous din in the generally predictable flow of the Force. It was an unsettling feeling but the Force still seemed to respond to his commands. However he was finding it difficult to use the Force to calm the throbbing eye and the pain in his sides. He gritted his teeth and noticed a wild look in Dracaryis’ eyes, his presence in the Force was unsettling. Callus was curious now what the presence was that was compelling Dracaryis, why had it taken him? He was taken from his thoughts as the Knight charged.

Callus intercepted a heavy punch on his left wrist and turned his right hip to absorb a right knee strike from Dracaryis. He pushed back and lashed out with a right handed back fist strike that Dracarys intercepted with his left hand and attempted to pull Callus off balance. Callus dropped to his knees and ripped himself free of the possessed Knight’s grasp. Callus rolled away from a stomp and clambered up to his feet and caught an overhand strike on crossed wrists. Callus wrapped his hands on Dracaryis’ wrist and pulled the man in as he drove a knee into his stomach. Dracaryis responded with a headbutt to Callus’ nose. Both Quaestors stumbled back as Callus felt a warm trickle of blood run down his face to his lips and the metallic taste of blood incited Callus’ rage. He’d been holding back to try and spare the Knight but now his rage was excited.

A low growl rumbled in his throat that erupted into a primal shout as he struck out at Dracaryis with unfettered fury. The Knight valiantly attempted to block the blow but the sheer disparity in their strength staggered the Human as the Battlelord pressed his advantage seeming to shrug off a kick to the knee as he would an insect bite. Callus grabbed the Knight by his outstretched leg and threw the Human to the ground following up with a vicious kick to the solar plexus of the prone Dracaryis. There was a stifled cough as the pain radiated through the bundle of nerves in the Knight’s lower spine.

Callus pulled his lightsaber from his pocket and ignited it’s azure blade. An evil grin formed beneath Callus’ now hooded eyes as he raised his left hand and an arc of purple-blue lightning crackled from his fingertips toward Dracaryis’ prone form.

Darth Renatus, 14 October, 2015 1:18 AM UTC

Out of instinct, rather than any sort of planning Callus called the force to himself and leapt backwards into the crowd of Massassi.

The "force" is a proper noun and should be "Force".

compel the force to his will consciously instead of from pure instinct.

Again, needs to be capitalized.

“Don’t look so surprised. You know very well who I am. I am Callus Bo’Amar, the Right Wing of Dread,” as he spoke he amplified his presence through the force, and spread his arms wide, “the list of my achievements is greater than those of your entire family. I’ve stood victorious over a hundred battles and thousands of foes. My victory is assured no matter what powers you have acquired from your ‘master’.” The Force boiled and churned about him, the sky seemed to darken and an eerie silence fell across the training field. He could perceive the mighty Massassi warriors shrinking away from his but his stone grey gaze fell solely on the Knight. There was a slight uncertainty in the cold of Dracaryis’ eyes and Callus had his opening.

This whole thing is just... Off. To begin, the transition from the previous paragraph to this one leaves confusion. Why is the Left Wing surprised? Well, it reads as though it's about the strength of his Force Lightning. But then you have this dialogue here where you reference the need not to be surprised because Callus is the Right Wing. As the reader, I don't see the connection between these strands of the story.

The rest of the paragraph is great imagery but makes little sense in the context of Star Wars realism. Unless you were casting a grand illusion for dramatic flare, none of these effects you describe would occur. If you were going for use of Terror, it isn't as clear as it could be as it just reads as a result of your 'power', and Terror functions as a direct attack on an individual. The dialogue is fine for your feat "You May Have Heard of Me", however.

Dracaryis fell back a step on his heels and slashed the weapon in half with Callus’ own blade but took his eyes off of the Epicanthix for a split second and then Callus launched his body in a flying tackle that would have made a highlight holo worthy of Smashball great Rip Calkin.

This is a continuous sentence in great need of punctuation. When writing something this long out, give it a re-read and check for natural pauses in your "mental voice". This will help you figure out where to place commas and the like, until it becomes second nature.


The combat was your strength here, but the composition of your sentences made it a bit difficult to read. I found myself forcing my way through each sentence rather than being pulled from one to the next.

The electric blast from Callus’ fingertips struck Dracaryis with the force of a proton torpedo. His limbs writhed and twitched as he screamed in agony. The Battlelord was relentless in his assault, sending wave after wave of electricity coursing through the Knight’s body. Once again, from the far reaches of his mind, Dracaryis heard the strange voice command him back into action.

Get up weakling. Use your anger. Destroy him!

Through the pain of Callus’ assault, Dracaryis attempted to steel his mind from the unknown entity. He had to act soon, or he would either die from the Epicanthrix’s assault or lose his mind to the unknown Force user who was attempting to control him.

Suddenly Callus’ attack ceased. Spitting blood from his mouth, Dracaryis slowly got to his feet. Every muscle in his body screamed in pain, a side effect from nearly five minutes of constant electric shock. Steadying himself, he held a hand up in submission. Simultaneously, he fought desperately to close his mind off from the invader.

“Enough. Callus, enough!” Dracaryis gasped. “This isn’t right. We have to get out of here!”

Callus eyed the Knight carefully. Was this a trick? Dracaryis was never one to back down from a fight. Gripping his lightsaber, Callus prepared for a surprise attack from his opponent.

“Drac, I see two ways out of here. One, I kill you and escape on my own. Two, we figure out who or what is controlling you, we kill HIM, and then we fight our way out of here together.”

Dracaryis nodded. Once again, he felt the prickling sensation of the unknown presence encroaching on his mind.

Kill him, or you will never leave this place.

Concentrating as hard as his battered mind and body would allow, Dracaryis reached out his thoughts through the Force, grasping for any sign of the Dark force attempting to control him. He reached into the minds and thoughts of the Massasai warriors surrounding him, and then finally to the Massasai chieftain himself. Immediately upon attempting to probe the thoughts of the chief, Dracaryis realized the man was not a chieftain at all. Through the Force, Dracaryis saw a dark aura surrounding the man. Opening his eyes, Dracaryis looked at Callus and mouthed the words “it’s the Chief.”

Without hesitation, Callus raised his hand and sent another blast of electricity from his fingers. This time, his target was not the Quaestor of House Ajunta Pall, but the imposter who sat in the Chieftain’s seat. The man was blasted backwards and immediately began to writhe in pain. Dracaryis reached out and called his lightsaber to him. Gathering all the strength he could manage, Dracaryis leapt to his feat and rounded on the prostrate and twitching form of the Chieftain. In a single leap, Dracaryis landed on top of the man and drove his lightsaber through the center of his chest, blood dripping from his mouth on to the man’s body. In one swift motion, Dracaryis withdrew his lightsaber from the man’s chest and slashed at his neck, severing his head from his body. Immediately, Dracaryis mind cleared. He turned to Callus, who stared dumbstruck at what had just occurred.

Dracaryis looked at his opponent and ally and grinned, two of his front teeth now missing from Callus’ onslaught.

“What do you say we get the hell out of here?”

Callus nodded. Smirking, he said, “You know, you look better without any teeth.”

Enraged at the death of their “chieftain” the Massasai began to move on the two Sith.

Igniting his blade once more, Dracaryis looked at Callus. “Let’s have some fun, shall we?”

Igniting his saber in agreement, the two men charged into the fray.

Darth Renatus, 14 October, 2015 1:47 AM UTC

Every muscle in his body screamed in pain, a side effect from nearly five minutes of constant electric shock

At +2, Callus' Force Lightning can only provide several seconds of fuel. Only at +3 is it several minutes. Allowing for Stream It to alter this power, it still wouldn't be five minutes. This is a realism issue.

He reached into the minds and thoughts of the Massasai warriors surrounding him, and then finally to the Massasai chieftain himself.

You can't really do that without Telepathy. Sense only gives you a glimpse of feelings and intentions, not the thoughts themselves.


I like what you tried to do with the story here, even though the venue doesn't lend itself to much at first glance. You took what you had and tried to run with it, which is commendable. This post didn't feel as rushed in the action as your first did, which is something you should seek to maintain consistently.