Warrior Lexiconus Qor vs. Augur Cethgus Tiberius Entar

Warrior Lexiconus Qor

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Quarren, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
vs.

Augur Cethgus Tiberius Entar

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Zabrak, Force Disciple, Marauder, Obelisk
Comment

Folks,

I can tell that you are both learning and expanding your grasp of creative writing in general. Both players had issues with their texts, but one was less confusing than the other, which meant his text was more cohesive and pleasing to read.

I'm hoping that my comments will be useful to the both of you, and I look forward to reading more of you.

In the end, one story was more enjoyable than the other in my opinion: well done, Lex!!

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Lexiconus Qor, Augur Cethgus Tiberius Entar
Winner Warrior Lexiconus Qor
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Cethgus Tiberius Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Starship Graveyard
Last Post 5 October, 2015 6:28 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You have excellent ideas, but you must learn how to chain all those ideas together into a cohesive whole. I look forward to reading more of you, as I'm sure we'll see some nice progress down the road. Rationale: Beautiful imagery, but your writing is confusing at times. You haven't fully grasped some of the English language's nuances, but that is nothing that more writing won't fix.
Story - 40%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: While I enjoyed your story, your writing style was far too confusing for me to enjoy myself. I see glimpses of an excellent writer, but you're not quite there yet. Keep at it!!!` Rationale: You wove a really nice story, if a bit short. Your strength is definitely in your attempts at making your descriptions more vivid, and I truly hope you continue developing those descriptions.
Realism - 25%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: I found no realism issues! Well done! Rationale: Lex, see my notes in your first post. You took just a bit too much creative license in my opinion.
Continuity - 20%
Cethgus Tiberius Entar Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: While your transitions between posts was good, the flow and continuity of your ideas in your posts suffered greatly because of your writing style. Rationale: You did a really nice job with continuity, Lex. Well done.
Cethgus Tiberius Entar's Score: 3.7 Qor Kith's Score: 4.05
Posts

Starship Graveyard

Your senses are overwhelmed as you set foot on the planet [Oricon], the base of the ancient Dread Masters nearly lost to time. The landscape is an unforgiving nightmarescape of lava flows and volcanic rock dotted with strange plants and starship wrecks from a battle thousands of years ago. The smoky, sulfuric air of the surface nearly chokes you as your eyes struggle to adjust to the foggy haze illuminated by the soft glow of the lava flows. Tall, luminous blood ferns adorn the landscape, surrounded by vicious predators hardy enough to survive the intense conditions. Trenches and outcroppings formed from flowing lava serve to make footing uneven, adding yet another treacherous element to this already dangerous world. In the distance, the ruins of an ancient tower call to you - the fabled fortress of the Dread Masters. Remnants of ancient cults can be seen here and there, from wrecked huts to blood-stained altars and crumbling oubliettes.

The Dark Side is strong here, but somehow feels different from other Sith planets you have encountered. You are not alone on this ancient world of nightmares.

The blood flecked sky, streaked with orange framed the form of the Augur. It seemed like the blood spilt here years ago was still soaking into the ground from past. Remains of soldiers that had fallen laid strewn across the upper level, a small break of open terrain was visible through the jagged rocks and crumbling structures, the floor littered with shrapnel and debris from years of conflict. Lava flowed off a nearby cliff pouring down into a ravine and into the main stream of lava. The heat was almost unbearable but what had to be done here took precedence over the discomfort and the ominous glow of dark side energy that corrupted everything on this planet.

A figure stood opposite the Iridonian, whose eyes traced the outline of Lexiconus. The Quarren Male had his eyes fixed on Proconsul, but was already showing signs of suffering from the cloying heat. Without breaking eye contact, Cethgus drew the hilts from his belt, playing the mental game with his foe. Thumbing the activation button on the lightsabers, he allowed them to snap into life feeling the blades as if they were an extension of his own hands. The Sadowan grimly smiled as he watched his opponent's red blade snap to life.

“We have no need for words squid, you came here on your own accord. The challenge was clear and your death will send a message to the others. With your execution others will stand in line in Naga Sadow.” Cethgus spoke the words with ease, his cold expression calculating the first moves of this battle.

Darting forward, the Iridonian closed the distance between the two of them as this fight between clan mates began with a crash of sabers. Hissing against each other the two combatant's weapons sparked as they continued to clash, both of them attacking and defending against each other in what could be considered a courting dance on some worlds. Cethgus recognised the sweeping attacks of the Quarren, noticing the style of Djem So from his own training. Aggressive as he was with this form, Lexiconus had not predicted his opponent's own aggression. Ducking under one of the attacks, Cethgus forced Lexic to step back with a outgoing slash from his blade, before spinning the second saber on a downwards slash.

Forcing his blade up, the Warrior just managed to block the incoming attack in time. Feeling the strength of his opponent as the blade slammed down against his own. Lexiconus stepped backwards slightly trying to gain some distance from the Iridonian. Cethgus saw his opportunity as he focused on the floor, shifting a rock from under the footing of the Krath and forcing him to lose his footing sliding down to the ground. A grunt of pain echoed out from the Quarren’s lips as the Iridonian's plan became evident.

Metal shrapnel protruded from the right leg of Lexic, his fall causing him to land directly onto it as it pierced flesh and muscle, blood trickled down the sides of the metal and spilled onto the corrupted ground. Pain reverberated around the body as his system tried to cope with the pain. Glancing up Lexiconus saw the Proconsul advancing towards him, his eyes shone like a predator that was about to make the kill.

“Time to die, Squid. You served the Clan well, but it's over now.” Cethgus’ cold voice sent a shudder through Lexic at the thought of it ending like this.

Ala'ar Rinn, 13 October, 2015 11:39 PM UTC

This is a beautiful first paragraph..! I like the imagery you're trying to invoke. Minor edits:

The [blood-flecked] sky, streaked with orange[,] framed the form of the Augur. It seemed like the blood spilt here years ago was still soaking into the ground [from past]. Remains of soldiers that had fallen [lay] strewn across the upper level[;] a small break of open terrain was visible through the jagged rocks and crumbling structures, [and] the floor [was] littered with shrapnel and debris from years of conflict. Lava flowed off a nearby cliff pouring down into a ravine and into the main stream of lava. The heat was almost unbearable but what had to be done here took precedence over the discomfort and the ominous glow of dark side energy that corrupted everything on this planet.

Really well done..! And very beautiful. I bolded the word floor because it's usually associated with a structure. Either parts of a building, a ship, etc.

As a reader, I was confused because I was enjoying a panoramic view of the vista you painted, and then was suddenly thrown off by something that I hadn't expected seeing there. In this case, I think you used the word floor as a synonym for the words ground/terrain because people have penalized you in the past for repetitive words? In this case, I'd just remove the words to make it less confusing since you're referring to the terrain already.


Did you also notice that you used the words Augur, Iridonian, Proconsul, Cethgus, and Sadowan to describe yourself in the first two paragraphs? This is also very confusing for your readers. Try alternating between one or two to describe your character and one or two at the most to describe the opponent, and don't forget to use pronouns like he, she, his, her...

The heat and pain of the blood pulsing from his wounds reverberated up Lexic’s leg and wreaked havoc on his threshold for pain. The Quarren shrieked in deep agony with each fearful tug of his punctured leg from the rusty and bloodied shrapnel, which clung to the torn ropes of his muscle and refused to budge. The predator marched to the edge of his rickety trap and leered into the eyes of Lexic, who was now both his slave and his toy. Praying to the gods of haste, the Quarren frantically assessed his reach for an escape route or tool to battle away the Iridonian. His tired and tearful eyes were intruded by flashes of lava bubbles and the stench of smoky sulphur thicker at this level. Begging for the aid of the Dark Side, Lexic clawed at the weak fabric guarding his orange shin and in one clean stroke his removed the material from his leg. Digging into the weakened muscle, the Warrior summoned his Dark Side pool and flooded his torn leg with the ability to mend. Patching the blood loss and stitching up the skin around the broken muscle, bone and nerves, Lexic structured a make-do ravine in his limb. The bleeding was now guided deeper into his leg instead of onto the shrapnel and the Quarren tugged his leg clean from the metal.

Lexic carefully peered up the paramount of the rickety embankment and saw the Iridonian with both of his favourite weapons reverse ignited, ready and able to reap the Quarren’s soul clean. Without hesitation, the Warrior punched the air towards his stalker and a ghostly fist planted strongly into Cethgus’ stomach. The Augur soared and curled his body into the air, then glided down into a graceful step onto the spine of a wreckage behind them. The Iridonian admired the quick and mighty punch as it proved there was a combatant hidden inside Lexic, he only needed to draw it out long enough for a memorable duel. The Quarren gritted his fangs and forced himself up the crumbling ramp his opponent created, then stood tall and proud at the summit. He awaited his final confrontation with insurmountable passion, his bloodied fists clenched tightly and his sapphire eyes glaring to the lime spots of Cethgus’.

“It’s now or never, stumpy. You can run, but you can only dodge so much.” Lexic’s mocking tone came with a sly wink that set Cethgus into fury.

Bolting through the air and crushing the metal and soil beneath his feet, the Augur raced at his opponent with sound-breaking speed. He held his lightsabers behind him that streamlined himself and was a smaller target. Lexic erupted into a dance of strikes and somersaults through the air, the Dark Side arching from his fists and shooting through the air towards Cethgus. Streaming through the archway of phantom fists blasting towards him, the Iridonian found no difficulty evading the incoming attacks from the weaker warrior of the two. With his strength failing him and the precipice of internal bleeding cusping the life from within, the Quarren limped forward and met his opponent at the median of the battlefield and sent a much stronger strike through the Dark Side and against the Augur’s chest. The cold and painted metal against his chest imploded and slammed itself into Cethgus’ thick chest muscles, causing some slight pain where the scarring of his Arconae tattoo used to reside. Crumbling and weakening in endurance from the strike, the chest armour was beginning to fail in it’s mission. Lexic improvised the standstill, launching and glided into the air towards his target and cast a barrage of light but fast ghostly strikes which found their way against the shattering armour. The Iridonian slid away from the majority of the strikes, but his armour was useful only for decoration now; shards and pieces collapsing just from the slight heated winds gracing his chest. He quickly unclipped the fragile chest armour and they fell to the floor with ease, as if they were freed from their master to die in peace, and pieces. Cethgus who felt the stinging sensation of the telekinetic strikes from the Echani student, shrugged and struggled to become used to the pain.

“My armour limited my movements anyway. My sabers are all I need,” Cethgus proudly stated. He watched for his opponent’s next move, all he needed to do was bide his time and wait.

“You will need to be quicker, I can do this all day,” Lexic retorted quickly. He limped backwards once again. The use of his leg was fading, but he needed to keep his distance just enough so he could mend it later. Cethgus used the hilt of his blade to point at the Quarren’s leg.

“Can you really,” His cold and uncaring tone mocked the injury.

“Let’s see how much more your body can take then,” Lexic’s stance dropped to centre himself and stared at his opponent in confidence, while the Augur’s eyes assessed the situation.

Ala'ar Rinn, 14 October, 2015 1:23 AM UTC

Very nice transition from your opponent's post, and good on you for describing that wound so well!! Small edits:

The heat and pain of the blood pulsing from his wounds reverberated up Lexic’s leg and wreaked havoc on his threshold for pain. The Quarren shrieked in deep agony with each fearful tug of his punctured leg from the rusty and bloodied shrapnel, which [clung to the torn ropes of] [tore at] his muscle and refused to budge. The predator marched to the edge of his rickety trap and leered into [the eyes of] [Lexic's eyes], who was now both his slave and his toy.

I'd start a new paragraph here, because it starts a new idea (leaves pain description in one paragraph, starts a new one with healing himself):

Praying to the gods of haste, the Quarren frantically assessed his reach for an escape route or tool to battle away the Iridonian. His tired and tearful eyes were intruded by flashes of lava bubbles and the stench of smoky sulphur thicker at this level. Begging for the aid of the Dark Side, Lexic clawed at the weak fabric guarding his orange shin and in one clean stroke his removed the material from his leg. Digging into the weakened muscle, the Warrior summoned his Dark Side pool and flooded his torn leg with the ability to mend. Patching the blood loss and stitching up the skin around the broken muscle, bone and nerves, Lexic structured a make-do ravine in his limb. The bleeding was now guided deeper into his leg instead of onto the shrapnel and the Quarren tugged his leg clean from the metal.


Realism!

Lovely description of Force Heal in the above paragraph!! Just be careful! You've somewhat used it in a way that can't actually be used when you stated:

Lexic structured a make-do ravine in his limb.

The Force Power Healing states that:

Healing will only accelerate the process that the body would normally undergo.

So you can't "direct" your body to heal any way differently than how it's naturally going to heal. It was REALLY cool! You took just a little too much creative license with it though.


The Quarren gritted his fangs and forced himself up the crumbling ramp his opponent created, then stood tall and proud at the summit. He awaited his final confrontation with insurmountable passion, his bloodied fists clenched tightly and his sapphire eyes glaring to the lime spots of Cethgus’.

That description was very nice, until that bolded section. I know what you were trying to describe, but you failed to envision it for your reader. The following might have been better:

...his bloodied fists clenched tightly and his sapphire eyes glaring defiantly at Cethgus.

“It’s now or never, stumpy. You can run, but you can only dodge so much.” Lexic’s mocking tone came with a sly wink that set Cethgus into fury.

Very nice play on Cethgus' aspect "STOP THAT", well done.


Realism!

Again, be careful of not bending the SW Universe's laws of physics. The following statement is slightly over the top:

the Augur raced at his opponent with sound-breaking speed.

He might be fast with the Force Feat "Disjunction" mixed in with the Force Power "Amplification", but not that fast...

Watching the movements of the Quarren male, Cethgus focused on the energy inside of him, the pain pressed back as the cold calculations of the fight ran through his mind about how to react to this new threat and how to deal with the situation that was arising for him. Clearly the Warrior wouldn’t fight fairly, but this issue would be quick to resolve, especially when the gap between them was closed. Scanning his surroundings, the Obelisk found the most direct route towards his target as he let his feet dig into the ground getting the correct footing to launch the attack.

Summoning upon the Force, he pounced forward, like a wild cat attacking its prey, his movements swift as he darted forward. Lexic moved backwards slightly as he began to follow his rigorous attacks that had been imprinted into his muscles from years of using Echani. Unable to complete the full pattern, the Force clearly flowing through the Obelisk’s movements, dodging as he lashed out with his saber. Forcing his weight onto the back leg to avoid the strike, pain crashed through the body of the Warrior as the wound came clearly to the front of his mind.

Lexic flung himself backwards as the second slash instantly headed in his direction. Feeling the floor hitting him, he scrambled for safety, forced backwards once more by the surprise attack. It seemed that the Iridonian had timed the events of this fight perfectly in order to get close. He instantly reached out for his saber, knowing his martial art was failing him within this close quarters assault. He activated the blade, spinning himself to face the danger. The two blades of the Proconsul slammed into his prone position, his blade holding them inches from his face. Reacting as any sane person would, his foot kicked out, catching the Zabrak on the knee sending him down onto one knee in response.

Lexic used the time to scramble up to his feet as he tried to get prepared for the fight, knowing full well that it wouldn’t stop the advances of the Augur for long. The man focused his eyes on his opponent, both combatants were up right, sabers gripped firmly in their hands ready to strike out at each other. The damage already taken by the Quarren was becoming clearer as his leg ached heavily and consumed his remaining energy to stand upright with each passing second. Panting slightly from the pace of battle, he watched as Cethgus darted forward his blades crashing in a hiss of sparks. The form of Djem So easily broken against the stronger fighting style of the Proconsul.

His second blade smashed through the block of the weakening Warrior. In a heartbeat the pain echoed throughout Lexic’s ribs as the blade cut through, scorching the flesh and instantly cauterizing the wound. It seemed that all it took was a split second to wear down the guard. Lexic's saber rolled across the floor as his hands came to his chest trying to cover the opening, the Quarren fell first to his knees then keeled backwards, rolling around, the screams easily escaping his lips as the heat from the ground permeated his robes. Unable to think, the heat scorching him, Lexic was a dead man. Cethgus would show Lexic no mercy, this became obvious with a second strike of his blade on the wounded man.

It was more of a desperate cry for help than a recognisable word that was ripped free from his lips, his left arm landing on the ground useless and dead as he now squirmed in an unimaginable amount of pain. Grabbing his other arm, the Iridonian dragged the screaming warrior towards the flowing lava. He would make sure that this member never returned to the Brotherhood, he had failed to learn and his failings would now cost him his life. This much was clear, seeing the instant doom that was approaching him he tried to get free. Dirt and scorched earth ripped into the open chest wound causing more pain, his feet kicking out as he allowed himself to bite down onto one last bit of hope. Unable to latch on, the cries of Lexic trying to plead for his life were ignored as they fell onto deaf ears. Cethgus drew upon the reserves of power within him to strengthen his muscles, lifting Lexic and flinging him into the lava. The flames flickering as the molten rock consumed the amphibious creature lit the eyes of the Iridonian as he savoured the screams of his defeated opponent as anything that was left of him burned in the fires of Oricon.

Ala'ar Rinn, 14 October, 2015 3:37 PM UTC

This is a lovely final scene for a final post…! Too bad it was just as confusing as your first post…

Summoning upon the Force, he pounced forward, like a wild cat attacking its prey, his movements swift as he darted forward. Lexic moved backwards slightly as he began to follow his rigorous attacks that had been imprinted into his muscles from years of using Echani. Unable to complete the full pattern, the Force clearly flowing through the Obelisk’s movements, dodging as he lashed out with his saber. Forcing his weight onto the back leg to avoid the strike, pain crashed through the body of the Warrior as the wound came clearly to the front of his mind.

Lexic flung himself backwards as the second slash instantly headed in his direction. Feeling the floor hitting him, he scrambled for safety, forced backwards once more by the surprise attack. It seemed that the Iridonian had timed the events of this fight perfectly in order to get close. He instantly reached out for his saber, knowing his martial art was failing him within this close quarters assault. He activated the blade, spinning himself to face the danger. The two blades of the Proconsul slammed into his prone position, his blade holding them inches from his face. Reacting as any sane person would, his foot kicked out, catching the Zabrak on the knee sending him down onto one knee in response.

Again, the battle action is confusing because of all the ways you keep changing references for yourself and your opponent. For example, I’m not sure if your character was ‘unable to complete the action’ (are there obelisks still? Who is the Obelisk? You? Lexic?) Lexic was named by name early in the paragraph, and your readers assume you’re still talking about him. Then you open your other paragraph, name him again, and then end your paragraph where you mention yourself as Proconsul, slamming into (I assume) Lexic’s prone position, his blade (your blade or Lexic’s? Now we’re confused again) inches from whose face? I think this is all Your blade inches from Lexic’s face?

Ok, so we had a confusing bout of you doing a series of actions, and now one would assume that since you didn’t mention anyone else and continue in general terms into the final sentence that you’re still talking about YOUR actions: “Reacting as any sane person would, his foot kicked out, catching the Zabrak on the knee sending him down onto one knee in response.”

The only way I knew it was Lex reacting to you was because I read your CS and said, "oh.. he’s the Zabrak, but he called him an Iridonian earlier..." Your readers outside of the ACC don’t have these fancy sheets to guide them through your text, and frankly they shouldn’t need it and shouldn’t have to Google Zabrak and Iridonian to understand “Ooh, Zabraks come from the planet Iridonia.”


Advice:

I honestly think you’re trying to overthink things because you’re afraid of repeating yourself too much after someone told you it was bad to repeat words. Thing is, you’re repeating yourself anyway, but instead of repeating the same word, you’re now forced to find “new ways” of describing the person doing the action. It isn't addressing the underlying problem.

*Repition is symptomatic of skipping around and trying to do too much in one paragraph. *

Typically, one paragraph contains only one (1) idea. That idea can be: “Lexic trying to retreat from your attacks.” The bulk of the actions need to be centered on LEXIC throughout the paragraph, dodging, parrying, trying to out think and out run you. It should not bounce between you and him. It needs to be ALL about LEXIC doing the actions.

The next paragraph should contain only 1 idea for you to develop and expand too: “Your character pressing the advantage”. Suddenly the attention moves from Lexic in the paragraph above to talking ONLY about YOU in the following paragraph: “The Proconsul sensing his enemy was now fatigued, renewed his attacks with vigor. Lightsaber slash, against lightsaber counter slash, the blades swirled in wild and dangerous arks between them, until finally the Proconsul saw an opening, and lunged for the Quarren’s exposed side…”


You have excellent ideas, but the way you chain them together confuses your readers.

For your future competitions, keep developing those nice ideas, but present them one at a time, developing them completely into one paragraph before moving on to the next idea (paragraph). Focus on one subject doing the action, and don’t sandwich them together into the same paragraph until you’ve learned how to mesh it together. Your writing will be better for it, and your readers will thank you.

With his vision blurring and seeping into a weakened state, Lexiconus needed to act soon on this arena of tension and impending doom. His torn leg bloating and pulsing with an unbearable pain, the Quarren gritted his teeth and tried his best to push through. His blurry eyes glanced at Cethgus to notice him observing from a distance with patience, holding his deactivated sabers in anticipation. Lexics thoughts ran to the prospect of becoming to a swift death and to possibly commit himself into the darkness in order to get past this pain. But to try this in the adversity of the Proconsul, would be completely inadvisable and highly improbable. The Iridonian disliked the childish Quarren to a finer degree, so the time for games was now coming to an end. Lexic felt cold and rough hands tighten against the back of his sweating neck, as he was forced over to the edge of this platform Cethgus built. The Warrior was then launched down onto his weakened and irritated knees, as the fumes of sulfur cloaked his face and gills.

“Time to choose your fate, Squid. Will you take the coward’s death into the molten rock, or stand against me and earn an undeserving warrior’s death?” Cethgus lay the options out clearly for the intoxicated Quarren, who began to cough his lungs out and started to vomit into the pool.

“There is no satisfaction from my death, and no purpose. I die and the clan will just continue the way it was, you do realise that?” Lexic sputtered out, as his lips dripped with sulfur dew and blood. The Augur firmly shoved a foot onto the spiny back of his prey and leaned in close.

“That’s precisely the point. The clan doesn’t need you, it requires me. It’s just a common hobby to remove the weakest of the clan so the strongest survive.” The words from the Proconsul actually made sense to Lexic, despite the influence of the acidic clouds infecting his judgement. With a heavy and swift shove, the Quarren was pushed from the ledge and his orange flesh slowly dissolved into the golden lava. As the fumes of burnt flesh wisped up and into Cethgus’ nasal, he took a big inhalation.

“Dinner is served. Time to report to Locke about this, trial.”

Ala'ar Rinn, 14 October, 2015 3:40 PM UTC

With his vision blurring and seeping into a weakened state, Lexiconus needed to act soon on this arena of tension and impending doom. His torn leg [bloated] and pulsing with an unbearable pain, the Quarren gritted his teeth and tried his best to push through.

This was a really nice description..! Well done..!

I also love the death scene you gave yourself, etc. I think you have interesting ideas, and I can tell that you’re trying to expand on your descriptions with beautiful imagery. It’s almost poetic. What you haven’t quite grasped yet are some of the English language’s nuances, so at times your text becomes confusing, or some idea seems to be unfinished. This comes with experience, and I have no worries that you’ll become an excellent writer. Keep on writing.

I want to underline:

Lexics thoughts ran to the prospect of becoming to a swift death and to possibly commit himself into the darkness in order to get past this pain. But to try this in the adversity of the Proconsul, would be completely inadvisable and highly improbable.

The above section I bolded, for example, I took to mean that Lexic was getting ready to die, to embrace the great final death. However, I suspect that you were trying to express that Lexic was trying to find ways to finish the battle and kill his opponent outright. Why? Because your second sentence tells me that I misread your intentions in the previous sentence. It wasn’t clear whose swift death you were talking about.

As the fumes of burnt flesh wisped up and into Cethgus’ [nose? nasal cavity?], he took a big inhalation