Battlemaster Lucyeth vs. Hunter Aiden Lee

Battlemaster Lucyeth

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Sorcerer, Imperial
vs.

Hunter Aiden Lee

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
Comment

So, there isn't much to say in here that I haven't addressed in the posts themselves, but I will do what I can.

Lucyeth, the biggest recommendation I can give you for bettering yourself within the ACC is to put in the extra effort and tell a complete story. This was the biggest mark against you for this match, and on a pure story vs. story level you would not have come away with the win.

Aiden, you show great promise in terms of the quality of story you are presenting here, but you got lost a bit when it comes to realism. If you ever have questions in this regard, feel free to approach any of the ACC staff and we will be more than happy to answer them. Many, if not all, such questions are discussed by the group so you should expect a consistent response in that regard. We are easiest to grab on Telegram, as someone is almost always around, but you can reach out on email just as easily!

Overall, someone has to come out with the higher scoring, making Battlemaster Lucyeth the winner.

I hope you both keep improving and look forward to the next time.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Lucyeth, Hunter Aiden Lee
Winner Battlemaster Lucyeth
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Lucyeth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Aiden Lee's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 6 November, 2015 6:46 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Lucyeth Dr. Rhylance
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Refer to the comments on the posts. I did not highlight repeated mistakes. Using a proofer will help you in the future. Rationale: Refer to the comments on the posts. I did not highlight repeated mistakes. Using a proofer will help you greatly in the future.
Story - 40%
Lucyeth Dr. Rhylance
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Overall, it came across as a bare minimum effort on your end and that shows in the writing. You managed to form a beginning and middle for the most part, but what brought you down from a 3 was your ending. Rather, the lack of one is what hurt you the most. Rationale: You had a complete beginning, middle, and end to your writing and didn't lose the reader at any point. However, there wasn't much in the way of story added that would have given you a higher score. You did make a small attempt at injecting motivation in your final post, but by then it was too late to really matter within the story. Try to remember that this is a snapshot into the lives of these characters, not just an isolated environment. There is a before, and in many cases an after. Convey that to the reader.
Realism - 25%
Lucyeth Dr. Rhylance
Score: 4 Score: 0
Rationale: Refer to the comments in your final post, other than that you stuck to the venue pretty well. Rationale: Lots of major issues in this realm with your posts here. The biggest takeaway for you here is that saber damage is serious. It has always been portrayed as "fight ending" in canon material. We are usually lenient for "last words" and such, but you went above and beyond in this case. Refer to the comments in the posts.
Continuity - 20%
Lucyeth Dr. Rhylance
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: There were no major continuity issues that I was able to note. Rationale: You did not adhere to the weapons listing for the match, which supersedes the weapons loadout from the Character Sheets. You can only use the weapons listed here unless the venue specifies differently, which this one does not. For the purposes of this match, Aiden's armoury saber should have been blue and Lucyeth had no dagger.
Lucyeth's Score: 3.25 Dr. Rhylance's Score: 2.25
Posts

Crystal Cave

In the planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty in this world. Dispersed around the untamed planet are flaws; cracks formed through thousands of years. Water rushing and destroying cliffs, racing and scooping away the soil beneath your feet and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine close to the planet’s core darkens deeper down until the bottom remains a mystery. The benefit of this is that no-one heads directly down instead using technology to bore a tunnel from the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this region is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of the explorers who met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent, remaining as a warning to those who might venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or were murdered remains a question in the long-lost histories of the ravine.

In front of you is the base floor of the ravine. Opening only at random times because of the glacier sheet, you used the bore tunnel to find your way here. This level is pitch black and a headlamp was given before you left for the planet. The sides of the ravine stretch vertically, as if they scrape the whistling and snowy clouds above. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, and you can tell this by the icicles forming on the lip of the tunnel. Others were temporary shelter for climbers. But with some luck, you may find the permafrost chamber tucked into its haunted depths. A vast room of permafrost crystals rarely found, and thought only to be on Hoth.

Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, multi-coloured clusters of lightsaber crystals reflect the light into the deepest crevices from the surface. Untouched for a millennia, the value in this chamber once sparked an entire battle between the Old Republic and the Empire. Be warned - caution must be exercised, or you might find yourself joining those who came before.

Aiden stood in the cave, glowing crystals surrounding him on all sides. You could see cracks in the older crystals and the luminescence of the stone lit the cave with an ethereal glow. Aiden bent over to survey the ground, due to recent seismic activity in nearby parts of this system of caves. While he was bent over a shiver passed through his body, as if the Force was attempting to warn him of something. The shiver became a quaking sensation as Aiden quickly grabbed his lightsaber, and activated the glowing purple blade, deflecting a red beam of light fired from a nearby cloaked individual.

“Who are you?” Aiden, now on edge, asked.

“You have good reflexes, too bad. I was hoping this would be an easy job.”

Aiden noticed the emblem on the individual’s cloak. It was the insignia of Clan Scholae Palatinae, an enemy of Clan Taldryan. From the way this hooded man presented himself, Aiden could feel an aura of power, which he was unsure he’d be able to match. Aiden knew that against this Sith, he was in trouble.

“Well we may as well get this over with.” The hooded figure said almost excitedly, as if he reveled in battle.

“Before we begin, I’d like to know who it is that may kill me today.”

“Sounds like an honorable request. My name is Lucyeth.” The man said as he pulled off his hood, revealing a young curly blonde haired man. He was shorter in stature than Aiden, but Aiden knew that height wasn’t everything. “I already know who you are Aiden, so why don’t we begin?”

Lucyeth put his DL-22 Blastech blaster pistol away and took out his lightsaber. He activated it and a red beam shot out pulsing with power. He took a refined, and almost masterful stance that Aiden recognized as Makashi, the D ueling Form.

“While it isn’t my strongest Form, I know it will be enough to take care of a wet behind the ears pup, such as yourself.” Lucyeth taunted as he rushed forward.

Lucyeth slashed at Aiden with a precision and power, which Aiden was barely able to keep up with. He knew now that he really need to find a suitable Form to master. As Aiden dodged another lightsaber slash, Lucyeth pushed his hand out, blasting Aiden in the chest with a telekinetic force, which to Aiden felt like a sledgehammer crashed into his sternum. The blast of Force energy sent Aiden sprawling into a nearby wall and onto the ground, his lightsaber sliding away,

“Wow, I actually thought this might be fun, I was wrong.” Lucyeth lamented with a sigh.

Taking advantage of what seemed like a moment of Lucyeth’s guard going down, A burst of lightning shot out from Aiden’s hand. Nearly hitting its target the lightning was absorbed by Lucyeth’s blade that he quickly blocked with. Aiden used this time to pull his saber back to him and again engage the purple beam.

“I’m not done yet.” Aiden claimed, not wanting to give up.

“Just stay down and accept defeat.”

Aiden rushed his opponent, using the Force to amplify his speed and strength, and thrust his blade towards Lucyeth’s chest. Lucyeth simply knocked the purple beam away with one hand on his lightsaber, and with his other hand he pulled out a small dagger and tore it across Aiden’s right shoulder drawing a stream of blood from his arm. He followed through with a blast of his own lightning, electrocuting Aiden and sending him rolling across the cavern floor. The glowing crystals around them, now stained with blood, still had a slight ethereal glow to them.

Aiden body was wracked with pain, from both the slash on his arm, and the lightning running through his body. He tried his hardest to keep his mind off of the pain, but nothing was working. His Force training was not yet far enough along to match anything this guy could throw at him. His only hope now was to escape. He only hoped he’d have the chance to do just that.

As Aiden started to stand back up the cavern began to shake. The floor between the two began to separate and a rush of water came barreling through. After the shaking ended there was now a ten foot ravine between the two of them. Lucyeth seemed puzzled by this turn of events. Aiden saw the opportunity he’d been given.

“Catch me if you can.”

Aiden took off running down a nearby tunnel.

Darth Renatus, 8 November, 2015 9:07 PM UTC

and activated the glowing purple blade,

On the weapon's list for this match it specifically states this as being a blue armoury saber. This is a minor continuity error within the confines of this match.

“Well we may as well get this over with.” The hooded figure said almost excitedly, as if he reveled in battle.

When using dialogue like this, you should close out the verbal portion with a comma, not a period, as it is part of the overall sentence and not apart from it.

He took a refined, and almost masterful stance that Aiden recognized as Makashi, the D ueling Form.

Small error: no space in Dueling and it "Dueling Form" doesn't need to be capitalized.

Lucyeth slashed at Aiden with a precision and power, which Aiden was barely able to keep up with.

"with a precision" should be "with precision" based on the structure of this sentence.

The blast of Force energy sent Aiden sprawling into a nearby wall and onto the ground, his lightsaber sliding away,

Used a comma instead of a period to close this one out.

Taking advantage of what seemed like a moment of Lucyeth’s guard going down, A burst of lightning shot out from Aiden’s hand.

So, a couple of issues with this. "A burst" should be "a burst" since it is after a comma, not a period. Aiden has +1 Lightning. At that rank, it takes a combination of several seconds and a powerful emotion to harness. It is also not without drawbacks, such as leaving you winded and taxed (emotionally and physically). None of these after effects are present here.

and with his other hand he pulled out a small dagger and tore it across Aiden’s right shoulder drawing a stream of blood from his arm.

There is no dagger present on the weapon list for Lucyeth in this match. This is a continuity issue.

Aiden body was wracked with pain, from both the slash on his arm, and the lightning running through his body.

Since the body belongs to Aiden, that should be possessive here, so "Aiden's body".

The floor between the two began to separate and a rush of water came barreling through. After the shaking ended there was now a ten foot ravine between the two of them.

This is some pretty major Deus Ex Machina here, especially given the lack of context or reasoning outlined here. This hurts your story score and should be avoided in the future.


Overall, this post is a very solid attempt. How you can go about improving it is to be more aware of the continuity of the match, as well as getting another set of eyes on it to help with proofing.

It's good that you are trying to go for good, quality writing, but it needs some more polish.

Lucyeth watched his quarry run down the tunnel after black haired man pierced the Palatinaean with his green eye before he turned away. The taunt angered Lucyeth with boiling fury and his tolerance was growing thin. The Battlemaster reached out with the force, his subconscious tendrils attempted to assault the Gray Jedi but he was knocked to the ground by a projectile. Lucyeth staggered back on his feet among shards of shattered crystals. The Gray Jedi broke the Battlemaster’s concentration and Lucyeth was not going to lose him. The Palatinaean was now seething with anger as he jumped into the air with all the energy his legs would allow him. He landed safely on the other side of the tunnel thanks to a little help with the force. Lucyeth sprinted own the tunnel as fast as he could while wiping blood from his nose due to the crystal shards that attacked him moments before. His quarry was not far and Lucyeth extended with his hand toward the tunnel in front of him. The force pushed its way through the tunnel knocking the Gray Jedi to the floor. Lucyeth stood in front of the Taldrya while he swiped the sweat off his forehead with the front of his palm; he had to regain his breath.

“Enough, let’s settle this” snarled Lucyeth before he got into a combat stance. Aiden was already back on his feet and charged the Sith.

Lee went with a flurry of strikes and jabs, making it clear that he has been learning the arts of Jar’ Kai. Executions were sloppy and Lucyeth would not allow himself to let his guard down again as he parried with his forearm and flipped his opponent on his back. Aiden kicked out the knee of the Battlemaster with his boot as Lucyeth collapsed to the floor. Aiden punched Lucyeth in the face causing the Battlemaster to hit the ground. The Palatinaean got up quickly to his feet, licking the blood off his lip with his tongue.

“Enjoy that because this is over,” yelled Lucyeth with the fire in his eyes before his advance back for another attack at the Taldrya. This Gray Jedi had enough opportunities and Lucyeth had to ensure not to grant another one.

Darth Renatus, 8 November, 2015 9:19 PM UTC

Lucyeth watched his quarry run down the tunnel after black haired man pierced the Palatinaean with his green eye before he turned away.

Should be "after the black haired man" here.

The Battlemaster reached out with the force, his subconscious tendrils attempted to assault the Gray Jedi but he was knocked to the ground by a projectile.

So, quick thing first, "Force" is a proper noun. Then there's the rest... I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. Subconscious tendrils? What Force power are you trying to evoke here? It is also ambiguous as to who is being knocked to the ground, Lucyeth or Aiden.

Lucyeth sprinted own the tunnel as fast

This should be "sprinted down the tunnel".

“Enough, let’s settle this” snarled Lucyeth before he got into a combat stance.

There should be a comma at the end of the dialogue.

Lee went with a flurry of strikes and jabs, making it clear that he has been learning the arts of Jar’ Kai.

What about this makes it clear that he is using Jar'Kai? You need to be more descriptive, as many martial arts use strikes and jabs. As well, there is no space in "Jar'Kai".


While a touch short, you go through a lot in that space. I would recommend breaking up your paragraphs more and looking a bit into the "flow" of your words and how someone would string them together. This can help avoid awkward phrasing, and let you know if you are repeating names a little much and should try using alternate descriptors (as in your second last paragraph).

The two Force sensitive beings stood apart from each other, the smell of iron filling the air. Blood flowed from the wound on Aiden’s arm, as well as his head from being slammed to the floor by the Force. It ran down his arm, and dripped to the floor tarnishing the once near flawless crystals beneath him. Lucyeth also bled, from his nose and mouth, though his wounds were far less severe, and were already healing from his more advanced Force training.

Lucyeth held his glowing red lightsaber in his hand, awaiting Aiden’s next move. He felt ready for anything, and once this final fight began, he knew that he would walk away, the victor. With reflexes already quick, and now amplified through the use of the Force, Aiden drew his DL-18 blaster and began firing a series of shots at the Palatinaean Sith, hoping to catch him off guard with at least one shot. Unfortunately for Aiden, Lucyeth was even more masterful with the Soresu Form than the Makashi Form. He easily blocked each blaster shot, and swinging his red lightsaber across his body, he deflated the final red bolt of energy right back at Aiden.

The blast of energy pierced Aiden through his right should, causing him to cry out in pain and drop his blaster onto the ground. Holding his shoulder with his left hand, he watched as Lucyeth walked towards him, a content smile on the Sith’s face.

“Now you will die, and I will enjoy it.” Lucyeth taunted with a sneer.

Aiden focused the Force in his left hand, planning to use his lightning again to try and overpower his enemy. Lucyeth could sense what Aiden wanted to do, ad with a crazed smile he used his own control of the Force to stop it. Aiden began to feel dread course though his veins as he felt his powers being suppressed by his enemy. He was at a loss and didn’t know what to do.

“You just won’t give up will you?” Lucyeth asked.

“Never.”

“I can feel your fear. I enjoy it, the torturing pain you must be feeling. How about you feel some more.”

Lucyeth focused his powers into forcing his will onto Aiden’s mind. Visions of the most horrific nature began to blur into Aiden’s mind. Constantly he was forced to watch his parents die at the hands of the Mandalorians. He was forced to witness his best friend’s death at the hands of a traitor. Lucyeth enjoyed watching the sheer terror that he was causing the Gray Jedi.

After a few moments of this torture, Aiden began to feel his blood boil in anger. He slowly began to break free from the effects of Lucyeth’s Force manipulation. Mustering up as much strength as he could he grabbed the hilts of his vibrorapiers, and attacked the Palatinaean warrior. His skills with Jar’Kai were not flawless, but he had taken Lucyeth by surprise and managed to cut the Sith underneath his right eye. Unfortunately that was all that he could do. After receiving his injury, Lucyeth knocked Aiden’s swords from his grip and spun around before thrusting his red lightsaber forward. I hissing sound, and a gasp of pain, broke the air as the red lightsaber easily tore through Aiden’s gut, instantly cauterizing the wound.

As he withdrew his red blade from the Gray Jedi’s body, Lucyeth blasted Aiden away from him with the Force and Aiden found himself impaled slightly on a crystal that jutted out from the wall. Blood rushed from his newest wound as he fell to the rocky floor in a heap. Aiden’s vision began to go dark as Lucyeth watched, amused.

“I would say that I am sorry, but I’m not. In this universe, only the strong survive, and unfortunately for you, Aiden Lee, you just don’t make the cut.” Lucyeth began to walk away.

A moment of peace began to overtake Aiden’s mind. He felt a connection to everything around him. His first thought was that he was dying and becoming one with the Force. But truly the thought of dying infuriated him. He had too much to do still. But if he was going to die, it would be on his terms.

Aiden focused on the rocks and crystals above them. Lucyeth was still in the cave with him, and maybe it was best this cave become both of their tombs. Aiden focused on his connection to the Force, and built up as much power as he could. Lucyeth felt the raw power emanating from Aiden behind him, and he turned around to try and stop whatever the Taldrya was doing. By the time he made it to the fallen Gray Jedi though, it was too late.

Aiden released the built up Force energy in all directions, hammering it into the rock and crystal walls and ceiling. The cave began to shake and the ceiling cracked. Large sections or rock and crystal fell from the ceiling and impacted with the ground creating craters and breaking through the floor. Lucyeth infused the Force into his muscles and ran as fast as he could towards the caverns exit. Using his sense ability he was able to dodge the falling ceiling and escaped to safety leaving Aiden to die. His mission had failed. He was unable to locate a chamber containing the much sought after Permafrost crystals. His Clan leaders would not be happy.

Aiden remained on the ground accepting his fate. There was no way, which he could see, to make it out of this alive. He felt the impact tremors around him as rock and crystal collided with rock and crystal. As he laid his head to the right he saw a bright light.

“This is it isn’t it? The end for me.”

The light flickered, and shined again. This caused Aiden to become curious, so he stared harder at the light. Upon looking deeper, he realized that it wasn’t a light at all, but rather the brilliant glow of a seldom see crystal. He forced himself, with all his might, blood still leaking from his gaping wounds, to crawl to the crystals. All around him the ceiling continued to fall. The fact that he was still untouched by the rock was nothing short of a miracle. Aiden finally made it to the crystals, only to discover that he had found it. He found the Permafrost chamber. He may have been bested by his enemy, but he completed his mission.

The ceiling outside of the chamber ceased its collapse and Aiden smiled as his vision grew darker. Reaching into his pocket, Aiden activated a beacon his Master Aiden Dru gave him for when he was in trouble. Knowing that Clan Taldryan was now on its way,

Aiden was taken by the darkness as he passed out from blood loss. Whether he could survive this depended entirely on his fellow clan members. Aiden would wait for them. They would come.

Darth Renatus, 8 November, 2015 9:37 PM UTC

Lucyeth held his glowing red lightsaber in his hand, awaiting Aiden’s next move.

At the end of the last post, both of you had just been brawling and there was no mention of Lucyeth's saber, when did it get back in his hand?

He easily blocked each blaster shot, and swinging his red lightsaber across his body, he deflated the final red bolt of energy right back at Aiden.

Based on the actions, "deflated" should be "deflected".

through his right should, causing him

Should be "right shoulder".

wanted to do, ad with a crazed smile

Should be "do, and with".

I hissing sound, and a gasp of pain

Probably meant "A hissing sound"

But if he was going to die, it would be on his terms.

Everything after this line is a major realism problem. Look at any of the movies, and for this I would recommend specifically Ep. I and Qui-gon's death. Stabbed through the gut followed by instant death. There is no continued fighting, no pushing through it. You are impaled with a saber and the fight is over, there is no continuing, no last ditch effort.

Aiden released the built up Force energy in all directions, hammering it into the rock and crystal walls and ceiling. The cave began to shake and the ceiling cracked. Large sections or rock and crystal fell from the ceiling and impacted with the ground creating craters and breaking through the floor.

You would need the feat "Telekinetic Wave" to do this, it just isn't possible for your character. Beyond that, Aiden just isn't powerful enough to have this effect. Dooku, in Ep. II, had to focus just to drop part of a ceiling on Yoda.

His mission had failed. He was unable to locate a chamber containing the much sought after Permafrost crystals. His Clan leaders would not be happy.

It's too late in the story to be introducing points such as this. Character motivation belongs in the beginning of the story, putting it here adds nothing to the story.

Aiden was taken by the darkness as he passed out from blood loss. Whether he could survive this depended entirely on his fellow clan members. Aiden would wait for them. They would come.

I'm sorry but he does not survive this, realistically. Aiden was impaled by a saber, and a crystal formation. Should have been dead paragraphs ago.


While you do an admirable job trying to write a compelling story, you get lost within the realism of Star Wars and our system here in the DB, going into the fantastical realm of what is "flashy". This hurts your score in a major way and it is something you are going to need to work on going forward.

Lucyeth was astonished by the young man’s determination in the fight. He came into it and didn’t back down from the Batlemaster. The Palatinaean knew from his demeanor that the Jedi was not going to back down and would rather die than be subjugated t the dark side from Lucyeth. He embellished it but gave his opponent the credit for it. It was unfortunate that he would have to end it because there was no way that Lucyeth was going to let this Jedi get another chance to get the best of the Palatinaean.

“What could you possible accomplish boy. You are no match” taunted Lucyeth to Aiden. The thought got to the Taldryan and Lucyeth smirked at the hunter’s anger start to take over.

“You will not be able to get the anger out of me Sith for I am a Jedi,” yelled Aiden as Lucyeth was taken aback by the sudden change in momentum.

The Jedi pushed out with the force from his outstretched hand with such focus. Lucyeth was surprised once again by the Jedi’s quick thinking as he was slammed into the cold crystals of the cavern. Lucyeth simmered with rage as he pulled out his blaster and fired in an instant. Lee was able to turn on his lightsaber just in time to deflect the bolt into the ceiling. Lucyeth decided it was enough and pulled out his lightsaber from his waist. It ignited and the cavern was bathed in red. He charged his opponent. Lee put up a few good parry’s but was no match for the Battlemaster. Lucyeth swiped toward the wrist and the lightsaber hilt was sliced in half and Aiden was cornered into the wall.

“It is over, no more Games,” stated Lucyeth with a Jedi in front of him that feared for his life and Lucyeth’s blade at Aiden’s neck.

Darth Renatus, 8 November, 2015 9:44 PM UTC

He came into it and didn’t back down from the Batlemaster.

Should be "Battlemaster".

than be subjugated t the dark side from Lucyeth.

I'm not sure what "subjugated t the" should be, maybe you meant "to"?

You are no match” taunted Lucyeth to Aiden.

Comma at the end of the dialogue.

the hunter’s anger start to take over.

Wrong tense, should be "anger started".

“You will not be able to get the anger out of me Sith for I am a Jedi,” yelled Aiden as Lucyeth was taken aback by the sudden change in momentum.

This is unrealistic to the character. He is Gray path, which makes him more neutral. Not so much the "I am Light, I will never give in to anger" portrayal, as there is no supporting CS or story for that behaviour here.

“It is over, no more Games,” stated Lucyeth with a Jedi in front of him that feared for his life and Lucyeth’s blade at Aiden’s neck.

So, "Games" should be "games", no need for the capital... and that's the end? This is entirely too abrupt and provides absolutely no closure for the reader.


While no major errors in terms of accuracy, continuity, et all... Your story is hurt severely here. You did not offer a suitable ending to this conflict for the reader. In fact, you didn't really end it. You gave the fictional equivalent of cutting to black with your saber at his neck.

Give your reader an ending, they stuck it out with you this long and deserve at least that much.