The two Force sensitive beings stood apart from each other, the smell of iron filling the air. Blood flowed from the wound on Aiden’s arm, as well as his head from being slammed to the floor by the Force. It ran down his arm, and dripped to the floor tarnishing the once near flawless crystals beneath him. Lucyeth also bled, from his nose and mouth, though his wounds were far less severe, and were already healing from his more advanced Force training.
Lucyeth held his glowing red lightsaber in his hand, awaiting Aiden’s next move. He felt ready for anything, and once this final fight began, he knew that he would walk away, the victor. With reflexes already quick, and now amplified through the use of the Force, Aiden drew his DL-18 blaster and began firing a series of shots at the Palatinaean Sith, hoping to catch him off guard with at least one shot. Unfortunately for Aiden, Lucyeth was even more masterful with the Soresu Form than the Makashi Form. He easily blocked each blaster shot, and swinging his red lightsaber across his body, he deflated the final red bolt of energy right back at Aiden.
The blast of energy pierced Aiden through his right should, causing him to cry out in pain and drop his blaster onto the ground. Holding his shoulder with his left hand, he watched as Lucyeth walked towards him, a content smile on the Sith’s face.
“Now you will die, and I will enjoy it.” Lucyeth taunted with a sneer.
Aiden focused the Force in his left hand, planning to use his lightning again to try and overpower his enemy. Lucyeth could sense what Aiden wanted to do, ad with a crazed smile he used his own control of the Force to stop it. Aiden began to feel dread course though his veins as he felt his powers being suppressed by his enemy. He was at a loss and didn’t know what to do.
“You just won’t give up will you?” Lucyeth asked.
“Never.”
“I can feel your fear. I enjoy it, the torturing pain you must be feeling. How about you feel some more.”
Lucyeth focused his powers into forcing his will onto Aiden’s mind. Visions of the most horrific nature began to blur into Aiden’s mind. Constantly he was forced to watch his parents die at the hands of the Mandalorians. He was forced to witness his best friend’s death at the hands of a traitor. Lucyeth enjoyed watching the sheer terror that he was causing the Gray Jedi.
After a few moments of this torture, Aiden began to feel his blood boil in anger. He slowly began to break free from the effects of Lucyeth’s Force manipulation. Mustering up as much strength as he could he grabbed the hilts of his vibrorapiers, and attacked the Palatinaean warrior. His skills with Jar’Kai were not flawless, but he had taken Lucyeth by surprise and managed to cut the Sith underneath his right eye. Unfortunately that was all that he could do. After receiving his injury, Lucyeth knocked Aiden’s swords from his grip and spun around before thrusting his red lightsaber forward. I hissing sound, and a gasp of pain, broke the air as the red lightsaber easily tore through Aiden’s gut, instantly cauterizing the wound.
As he withdrew his red blade from the Gray Jedi’s body, Lucyeth blasted Aiden away from him with the Force and Aiden found himself impaled slightly on a crystal that jutted out from the wall. Blood rushed from his newest wound as he fell to the rocky floor in a heap. Aiden’s vision began to go dark as Lucyeth watched, amused.
“I would say that I am sorry, but I’m not. In this universe, only the strong survive, and unfortunately for you, Aiden Lee, you just don’t make the cut.” Lucyeth began to walk away.
A moment of peace began to overtake Aiden’s mind. He felt a connection to everything around him. His first thought was that he was dying and becoming one with the Force. But truly the thought of dying infuriated him. He had too much to do still. But if he was going to die, it would be on his terms.
Aiden focused on the rocks and crystals above them. Lucyeth was still in the cave with him, and maybe it was best this cave become both of their tombs. Aiden focused on his connection to the Force, and built up as much power as he could. Lucyeth felt the raw power emanating from Aiden behind him, and he turned around to try and stop whatever the Taldrya was doing. By the time he made it to the fallen Gray Jedi though, it was too late.
Aiden released the built up Force energy in all directions, hammering it into the rock and crystal walls and ceiling. The cave began to shake and the ceiling cracked. Large sections or rock and crystal fell from the ceiling and impacted with the ground creating craters and breaking through the floor. Lucyeth infused the Force into his muscles and ran as fast as he could towards the caverns exit. Using his sense ability he was able to dodge the falling ceiling and escaped to safety leaving Aiden to die. His mission had failed. He was unable to locate a chamber containing the much sought after Permafrost crystals. His Clan leaders would not be happy.
Aiden remained on the ground accepting his fate. There was no way, which he could see, to make it out of this alive. He felt the impact tremors around him as rock and crystal collided with rock and crystal. As he laid his head to the right he saw a bright light.
“This is it isn’t it? The end for me.”
The light flickered, and shined again. This caused Aiden to become curious, so he stared harder at the light. Upon looking deeper, he realized that it wasn’t a light at all, but rather the brilliant glow of a seldom see crystal. He forced himself, with all his might, blood still leaking from his gaping wounds, to crawl to the crystals. All around him the ceiling continued to fall. The fact that he was still untouched by the rock was nothing short of a miracle. Aiden finally made it to the crystals, only to discover that he had found it. He found the Permafrost chamber. He may have been bested by his enemy, but he completed his mission.
The ceiling outside of the chamber ceased its collapse and Aiden smiled as his vision grew darker. Reaching into his pocket, Aiden activated a beacon his Master Aiden Dru gave him for when he was in trouble. Knowing that Clan Taldryan was now on its way,
Aiden was taken by the darkness as he passed out from blood loss. Whether he could survive this depended entirely on his fellow clan members. Aiden would wait for them. They would come.
On the weapon's list for this match it specifically states this as being a blue armoury saber. This is a minor continuity error within the confines of this match.
When using dialogue like this, you should close out the verbal portion with a comma, not a period, as it is part of the overall sentence and not apart from it.
Small error: no space in Dueling and it "Dueling Form" doesn't need to be capitalized.
"with a precision" should be "with precision" based on the structure of this sentence.
Used a comma instead of a period to close this one out.
So, a couple of issues with this. "A burst" should be "a burst" since it is after a comma, not a period. Aiden has +1 Lightning. At that rank, it takes a combination of several seconds and a powerful emotion to harness. It is also not without drawbacks, such as leaving you winded and taxed (emotionally and physically). None of these after effects are present here.
There is no dagger present on the weapon list for Lucyeth in this match. This is a continuity issue.
Since the body belongs to Aiden, that should be possessive here, so "Aiden's body".
This is some pretty major Deus Ex Machina here, especially given the lack of context or reasoning outlined here. This hurts your story score and should be avoided in the future.
Overall, this post is a very solid attempt. How you can go about improving it is to be more aware of the continuity of the match, as well as getting another set of eyes on it to help with proofing.
It's good that you are trying to go for good, quality writing, but it needs some more polish.