Sent by his master to investigate the intruder on Karufr, Aiden found himself in the center of a ring, surrounded by the chanting Massassi. Across the arena stood the intruder, whom, according to the emblem adorning his armor, was from the Clan Naga Sadow.
“You’re a little far from Orian, aren’t you?”
The intruder looked back at Aiden through the lenses on his black and white mask. Knowing the predicament he was in, Kal focused on the Force, calming his heartbeat, attempting to clear his jumbled thoughts. His inexperience with the Force caused this to be a difficult task for the Hunter.
“I’m where I need to be.”
“What brings you to Karufr?”
“My business is my own, Taldryan. If we could get passed this unpleasantness, I’ll be on my way.”
“Oh yeah, no problem. Taldryan is just known for just letting trespassers go after all.”
Aiden didn’t want to fight, but the chanting around the ring, and the knowledge that diplomacy wouldn’t work here decided the matter for him.
“These people want a show, I guess we’d better give them one.”
Kal quickly drew his Synergy WLD-5 Peacekeeper, and fired at Aiden. The Taldryan activated his purple lightsaber and deflected the blaster shots.Not wanting to stay on the defensive, he charged forward closing the distance between them. As Aiden closed in on his target, Kal fired at the Taldryan’s feet, searing the dirt covered ground. Aiden was thrown off balance and dropped his lightsaber.
Falling to the ground, Aiden manipulated the Force, hammering into Kal’s chest, knocking the Peacekeeper from his grasp. Kal righted himself from Aiden’s strike, though his movements seemed shaky. He brought his hands up to his mask covered face and his head shook back and forth.
“No….no…….not now!”
His body seemed to strain and contort as if in debilitating pain and he gave out a slight yell before becoming still. Standing back up, Kal’s posture seemed to change greatly, seeming more aggressive.
“What the….where am I?”
Confused by what he was seeing Aiden held out his hand and pulled his lightsaber back into his grasp with the Force. After securing the hilt to his belt he stepped towards Kal.
“The same place you were two minutes ago. Karufr, about to get what’s coming to you.”
“Karufr?”
Kal looked at Aiden, and turned his head towards the Taldryan’s belt where his lightsaber hung. Lar had taken over.
“Another Jedi, eh? This’ll be fun.”
Aiden rooted himself to the ground and brought his arms up, ready to strike. Lar's legs widened, and shoulders pushed forward. He sprang into action, and brought his arm down harshly to slam into Aiden. Aiden blocked with his left forearm feeling his bones waiver under the pressure of the blow, then pivoted his body, throwing his body into a right hook catching Lar in the chest. Lar took the hit and, using the weight of Aiden’s blow, reversed into a series of open handed attacks, and kicks. Aiden took each hit, either to his arms, or shins, and felt his strength failing him from the consistant damage he took. He could only strike back when he felt he had a clear hit.
While focusing on defense, Aiden miscalculated his movements, and didn’t see Lar’s elbow as it smashed into his side. Stumbling from the damage done by the clearly stronger opponent, Aiden summoned the Force to his will and sent it hammering into Lar, throwing the Naga Sadow Hunter into a wall of the Massassi’s nearby temple.
As Lar impacted with the stone wall, the Massassi cheered for their ally, rallying Aiden to a hopeful victory. Aiden took out his two vibrorapiers and flipped the rapier in his off hand into a reverse grip, squeezing on the handles.
Lar stood up and brushed dust off of his armor, a small amount of blood soaking through his sleeves. Chuckling, he turned sideways, putting his weight of his back leg, keeping his forward arm and leg weight free.
“Well this has been fun, Taldryan. I am afraid though, that this fight must come to an end.”
Don't leave the reader guessing as to who is talking. I can infer based on my knowledge of CNS that Aiden is the speaker, since it makes reference to a CNS system.
Again, you don't establish the speaking order. It's fine to drop "he said, she said" after you've established the back and forth, but you haven't done that yet.
Missed the space between sentences here.
This falls under the philosophy of "show don't tell". The reader is missing a lot of the imagery for this. Did you channel it through your hand? Throw it out and fire it? This will help your story score.
An ellipses is three periods, like so: "..." Anything beyond that is being used incorrectly, I presume to denote the pause. This is something you could denote with the the following:
"No... no... not now!" Kal cried out, struggling between his words.
Again, you need to show more and tell less. Additionally, you need to be more cognizant of the distance you knock your opponent. I can't tell because you haven't mentioned the wall before now, but the wording here implies you sending him further than your strength in Telekinesis allows.
Should be "weight on his back leg".
There are two striking issues with this post. First off, the complete lack of any identifiers with your dialogue. You can't leave your reader guessing who is talking, you need to make it clear and established.
The other issue is in terms of the story you're telling. You seem to get so focused in the actual action occurring that you abandon the scene itself. After reading this post, I don't have a single image of the area in my head. I don't know where the characters are situated, what they are in relation to, or even what the Massassi are doing until the tail end of the post.