The air seemed to draw all the moisture from his mouth as he breathed, tasting of poorly ventilated neglect. He grimaced, and took a swig from his canteen, the tepid water doing little to slake his thirst, but succeeding in washing away the filth which had gathered on his tongue. His eyes were drawn upward, the movement of the pulley system and the massive stone blocks in an irregular cadence, rising and falling at random intervals, and shifting side to side, causing a slight pendulum effect. He reattached his canteen to his belt, and frowned.
An opponent had been called to meet him in this dank mine, but he had yet to see hide or hair of him. His palms itched with anticipation, and his right hand ached to wield his lightsaber in combat once again. The blood in his veins pulsed with excitement, a hunger for blood and slaughter, unlikely to be fulfilled by this... venture. Especially if his opponent sent their time cowering in the shadows or behind the sights of a blaster.
His eyes scoured the walls of the mine shaft, traversing carefully in an attempt to suss out the location of his opponent. He had, of course, heard of the Jedi Ranger known as Turel. He had taken plenty of time to study the prominent enemies of Clan Scholae Palatinae, and the lighties of Clan Odan-Urr were always at the top of that list. The simple fact that this group of fools were allowed to dwell under the auspices of the Dark Brotherhood irked him. To allow filth to desecrate the Brotherhood was the defining failure of the Dark Council.
But Turel was known for his remarks, and attitude, as much for his adoration for his master, V'yr Vorsa. The human Jedi was a rogue, a scoundrel of some repute, but was not known for his exceptional fighting abilities. Archangel Palpatine shook his head once, dismissing the man from his thoughts with the simple gesture. He had no time to worry about a pitiful Ranger, nor did he fear him. It was a simple matter of martial skill and prowess, and Archangel knew, with unwavering belief, that he possessed more.
A block lowered itself slowly towards the ground, it's movement laborious and lazy. He watched it for a good few moments, as it touched down lightly on the mine floor. With the quiet thud of stone on stone, he charged forward, his heavy boots slamming hard into packed earth below him. Three long strides carried him the distance he needed, and with a draw on the Force which had long become second nature to him, he leaped the last dozen feet towards the stone block, which had already started to ascend.
“Duck,” a voice whispered into his ear, so softly he barely registered it. He could feel the breath on his ear, a ghostly chill running down his spine, a mote of recognition rising within his mind. His body reacted without his mind deciding too, twisting his body towards the stone block, his head ducking down below its corner. The slug intended for his head split the air with a crack, tearing through the intervening air. He slammed into the block far harder than he'd planned, shoulder and face leading the way. With a lunge, he hooked his left arm up, somehow managing to get a hold on the edge of the block.
“Lucky!” came a human voice from the darkness. Archangel breathed heavily, his hand holding him precariously on the edge of the block, but his grip was not as firm as he'd like. His shoulder had collided with the block with enough force to cause a welt of pain he has to grit his teeth against. He started to reach up, his shoulder and back muscles screaming with strain and injury. With a grunt, he pulled himself up a few inches, and slipped his second hand onto the edge of the block.
“Are you just going to hang out?” the voice said again, the tone mocking and jovial. The Jedi punk fired again, slipping the stone block as it continued its sluggish rise. A spray of stone shrapnel cascaded into Archangel's face, leaving cuts and scrapes on his brow. He looked up the shaft, grimacing with effort, and tried to gauge how far he'd risen. Not far, he'd decided, as another slug whizzed through the air, leaving a trail of compressed air which washed over him.
He made a conscious effort to ignore the sniping git, and focus on the situation at hand. The block barely registered the added weight, listing only slightly to response. He twisted his body as much as he could, eyes searching for an escape, or his opponent. Another shot rang out as he located a nearby block, on a descending course, but near enough that with a careful jump he could easily make it.
After a breath or two, his heart pounding mercilessly within his chest, he leaped. His hands outstretched, he aimed his jump for the central cable, which propelled the block on it's dance around the shaft. His hand went right through the cable, his body through the stone, and he hurtled at a dangerous trajectory towards the shaft's uneven wall. He swore with disgust and anger, and drew a pair of throwing knives from his belt and slammed them into the rock as he collided with it, knocking the air from his lungs. The knives held fast, they were only there to keep him alive for a moment or two.
More sniper fire rained down on him, with a gleeful chortle hanging in the air. Mind games were not his forte, and apparently Turel was a keen illusionist. With grace and fluidity of motion which seemed to ignore his bulk, he twisted and leaped again, both his feet planted firmly against the mine wall. He launched himself at a shadow parabolic angle, back towards the first block, which was slowly moving away from him. He grabbed at the cable, and hooked it with his elbow.
His lightsaber shot up to his hand, and ignited as the sniper fire zeroed in on him. He deflected or annihilated the slugs as they rained in on him. Though his feet were firmly planted on the block, the force of the attack was pushing him back inch by inch. But he knew where Turel was hiding now. His lightsaber in his left hand to defend his body, he drew a stun grenade from his belt, flicked the arming switch, and with a burst of Force energy, he propelled the explosive into Turel's shadowed sniper's nest.
I'm mentioning this here because it's a recurring theme throughout the rest of your writing. I would make a Scahttner joke here, but the overuse of commas breaks up the flow of reading.
Other times you do a masterful job of stringing sentences together with a mixture of short and longer breaths.
Like here.
he had*
Would have been cool here to HEAR the scraping of metal on stone. I had to make that image for myself, and if I wasn't that imaginative of a reader I'd have possibly been like "uh, the knives can dig into the stone...odd...". Not a detractor, just a general observation.
Love your opening. Set's the stage for the battle to come very well. Great use of acknowledging the environment and addressing the five senses, and setting up the opening drama of the engagement between the two. This is how you write an intro post in the ACC.