Mystic Darkblade Bladedark vs. Knight Aexod Burgoo

Mystic Darkblade Bladedark

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Anzati, Force Disciple, Seeker, Krath
vs.

Knight Aexod Burgoo

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Zabrak, Sith, Shadow
Comment

Overall, this was a good fight between two evenly skilled challengers that clearly know each other very well. The Master and Apprentice paradigm is a fun thing to exploit in writing and there was a good attempt at that here.

You both did some things well, constructing complete stories that had the potential to be something more. However, the strengths seemed to come at the expense of other areas, losing the complete package along the way. As a result, while potentially interesting, the match came across as standard and quasi-rushed in places.

Don't be afraid to build depth and emotion within your scenes, drawing the reader in and causing them to feel something. No death of a fully created character should occur with a weightless level of ease, and conflict can come from more than pure combat, though it is far more difficult to portray in that manner.

Keep at it, both of you, as you have the potential to do quite well within the ACC system. The winner of this match is Knight Aexod Burgoo, and I look forward to seeing you both again.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Darkblade Bladedark, Knight Aexod Burgoo
Winner Knight Aexod Burgoo
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Darkblade Bladedark's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Aexod Burgoo's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 27 November, 2015 9:13 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Sloppiness to the writing that felt rushed. Refer to the comments, as many of them were repeated and I didn't highlight every single case. Rationale: Just a few slip ups here and there. A good proofer will help with this.
Story - 40%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You were able to construct a complete story, however there wasn't a whole lot of substance to the conflict of your posts. It often felt rushed and glossed over, leaving the reader unattached when the moments that should hit them came to pass. Rationale: Great attempt at building a complete story that exists beyond this single snapshot. However, this came at the expense of actual conflict within your posts. This caused your story to be less gripping than it could have been, without every drawing the reader in.
Realism - 25%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Refer to my comments in regards to your use of the Force. Rationale: No issues that stood out.
Continuity - 20%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Evelynn Wyrm
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that stood out. Rationale: No issues that stood out.
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade's Score: 3.65 Evelynn Wyrm's Score: 4.05
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous as the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking Wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity to disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, a luminous form of lichen has taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

Hoth Ice Cave

The strong, icy wind danced across their skin, leaving raised hairs in its path. Both of the Gray Jedi were exhausted from the trip. The snow that embodied the entire surface of the planet, mixed with the blinding sunlight shining upon it, made it extremely hard to find the cave they were searching for. The Seeker Darkblade, in constant search to deepen his knowledge and understanding of the Force, heard rumors of the existence of a certain Jedi holocron dating from the Old Republic.

"Careful," Darkblade said as Master and Apprentice stood in front of a narrow, barely noticeable cave that emitted an unusually high Force presence. "There might be something here that doesn't want us to get involved."

They entered the cave, the harsh wind becoming louder as it hit the walls of the entrance and echoed through the vast expanse they were in. A single narrow tunnel led from the expanse, into another one illuminated by two small openings in the ceiling. In the center stood a short pillar, with something that looked like a small lockbox with some sort of unusual markings standing on it.

More out of instinct than actual danger, Aexod unholstered his lightsaber and made a move toward the pillar. As he approached it, he was sure he heard whispers in his head.

Kill him!

“Master?” he said, turning around to see the Mystic completely paralyzed, his eyes fixed on the box.

Kill him! The whisper was getting louder.

“Is something wrong?” Aexod attempted again, but to no avail. Darkblade didn’t seem to pay attention to anything he was saying.

Kill him now! A voice as clear and prominent as if someone was standing right next to them echoed through the room.

Darkblade pulled out his lightsaber, his gaze still fixed on the box.

“End of the line, Apprentice,” he said in a monotonous voice, turning his head toward his fellow Ragnosian. “I’m sorry it had to end this way.”

Aexod lit his own lightsaber, the silver blade further illuminating the dimly lit room. He turned toward the box and swung his saber at it. The moment the blade touched the metal, the box emitted a forceful wave toward around it, knocking the Shadow off his feet.

Laughter filled the room, as Darkblade activated his own lightsaber and moved toward the Knight. The Zabrak got to his feet and raised his own saber, just as the Equite took a forceful swing at him, penetrating his defense momentarily and forcing him to take a few steps back.

Burgoo had fought his master multiple times, whether while training, or that time they had a conflict in the Savannah, but this was different. Something was terribly wrong with his Master. The bloodlust in his eyes, the pure physical power of his thrust, the illogical drive to kill him, all indications that he was in some way possessed.

“Snap out of it! I don’t want to fight you!” Aexod called out, attempting to reach his Anzati Master. Their last encounter left him defeated, scarred and humiliated. Though his power had grown vastly since then, the memories still sent a chill through his body, and he wasn’t ready for a rematch yet.

Darkblade extended his left arm, pointing it at the Journeyman as threads of lightning left his fingertips. Aexod raised his lightsaber, letting it absorb the energy. His lightsaber training didn’t really concentrate on the defense, and he knew he his time in trying to subdue his Master peacefully was running short.

Stop it! You’re don’t want to do this!” Burgoo said in a last attempt at sanity.

“Oh, I do. I really, really do,” the Mystic replied, his voice still as calm and monotonous as it has been since they entered the cave.

Darth Renatus, 9 December, 2015 12:51 AM UTC

Laughter filled the room, as Darkblade activated his own lightsaber and moved toward the Knight. The Zabrak got to his feet and raised his own saber, just as the Equite took a forceful swing at him, penetrating his defense momentarily and forcing him to take a few steps back.

Try to avoid repetition in your writing. Here you use "his own lightsaber" and "his own saber" in back to back sentences. You also have a "forceful swing" and "forcing him".

Burgoo had fought his master multiple times, whether while training, or that time they had a conflict in the Savannah, but this was different.

Second comma after "whether while training" is unnecessary considering the sentence structure and flow.

and monotonous as it has been since they entered the cave.

Tense dancing here, "has" instead of "had".


Overall, this is a well structured post. It had a lot of good set up and building of the conflict. Unfortunately, it didn't have quite as much conflict as we expect in a 2/2 match, leaving most of it to the following post.

The Anzat strode purposefully towards his Apprentice. What am I doing? I don’t want to kill Aexod he thought to himself.

Kill a voice not his own hissed inside his mind. Darkblade watched in horror as he, no he wasn't in control of his body, something had taken control of him and was using him as a puppet, raised his lightsaber and performed a powerful overhead swing that came crashing down on the Zabrak before him. The pleas from the Gray Knight fell on deaf ears however, and there was little Darkblade could do to stop this fight. Another two handed overhead strike came crashing down and he watched as Burgoo hastily jumped back, barely keeping his balance on the slippery ground. The Mystic felt himself slip away under the control of this evil presence that filled the room. I’m sorry Apprentice he thought as he allowed the powerful presence to consume him, retreating back into his mind to fend for his last bit of humanity.

The freshly appointed Knight struggled with their duel, realizing his Master had never fully showed what he was capable of. It even seemed that he somehow had gained strength from being possessed. The Zabrak began to notice the feel of fatigue on his arms from blocking the heavy blows, chiding himself for not focusing on training the forms of lightsaber combat enough. The seeping cold of the cursed cave started to find its way past the heavy layers of clothing, slowing their reaction time if only slightly. Focused precise strikes kept the young Apprentice on his toes as it took all of his training to dodge, block and counter the attacks. His Master’s chosen form excelled in these kind of duels, making it apparent that the lack of emotions Aexod could draw upon harmed his own style.

Whilst it seemed that their level was not too separate from each other it quickly became apparent that the Shadow would need to find some breathing room. As he blocked another strike that would have separated his left leg from his body, the Zabrak followed with a deadly counter strike aimed for the Anzat’s face forcing him to take a few steps back, allowing for a much needed pause.

Knowing that talking wouldn’t matter and feeling exhausted from their brief yet intense battle, the fight would have to be settled soon. Looking around himself in a quick fashion he made up his plan and opened himself to the fullest extent of the Dark side of the Force. Anger at the weakness of his Master who seemed unable to fight the foreign presence controlling him and hatred for that foreign identity fueled his attacks. Amplifying his speed he was able to unleash the full carnage of his lightsaber form and and started to push the Mystic back with chaotic and unpredictable attacks. The cold seemed to have started to affect even the Anzat as his reactions were also starting to slow, having to make careful and calculated counter attacks and ripostes.

As soon as the Knight had the Seeker in the place he wanted, he quickly called upon the Force, waving his hand in front of his Master as he weaved himself away from another strike. The Journeyman created a blinding light that flashed through the entire cave and briefly blinded Darkblade. “ARGH” he heard the confused Mystic shout out. Shoving his hand out towards the ceiling, unaffected by the blinding light, Aexod summoned a powerful telekinetic force that would hopefully send the hanging icicles crashing down on his Master, incapacitating him long enough so the Shadow could figure out what to do with him.

Darth Renatus, 9 December, 2015 1:04 AM UTC

What am I doing? I don’t want to kill Aexod he thought to himself.

Should have a comma after Aexod to separate the thought from the sentence, beyond your italics.

Kill a voice not his own hissed inside his mind.

Same issue as above. This needs a comma.

Darkblade watched in horror as he, no he wasn't in control of his body, something had taken control of him and was using him as a puppet, raised his lightsaber and performed a powerful overhead swing that came crashing down on the Zabrak before him.

I like what you're going for here but the commas break up the flow too much. I would consider rewriting it as follows:

Darkblade watched in horror as he - no, not 'him'... something had taken control of him and was using him as a puppet - raised his lightsaber and performed a powerful overhead swing that came crashing down on the Zabrak before him.

Even still, it is a fragmented sentence that goes on too long. Good attempt but hard to pull off.

Knowing that talking wouldn’t matter and feeling exhausted from their brief yet intense battle, the fight would have to be settled soon. Looking around himself in a quick fashion he made up his plan and opened himself to the fullest extent of the Dark side of the Force.

The issue here is it isn't clear enough which "him" you're referring to. It can be intelligently figured out, but it isn't clear to the reader and that's a problem. It takes three sentences to find out it is Aexod.

As soon as the Knight had the Seeker in the place he wanted, he quickly called upon the Force, waving his hand in front of his Master as he weaved himself away from another strike.

At +1 Blinding needs "full concentration for several seconds" in order to be used. I don't get a sense of that in this writing, especially with "quickly called upon the Force".

“ARGH” he heard the confused Mystic shout out.

Missing the comma in the dialogue.

Aexod summoned a powerful telekinetic force that would hopefully send the hanging icicles crashing down on his Master

Again, at +1 he can only focus on a single object and can't lift anything heavier than he physically could, throwing the believable nature of this attempt in question.


This was, overall, a good post but had places that seemed sloppy. I implore you to take a closer look at the Force Powers wiki to understand the levels of the powers at play here. It also has a rushed feeling to it, with your constant references to "lightsaber form" rather than describing the actions related to them add to that.

The attempt was an utter failure, as the icicles just barely shook, still firmly attached to the roof of the cavern. With only another second to spare while his Master was dazzled by the blinding light, Aexod retracted his lightsaber and disappeared from sight, moving slowly away from the spot he previously occupied. His goal wasn’t to harm Darkblade, but he knew he wouldn't be able to hide from the Anzat for long, as his ability to mask his Force presence was nowhere near the the Seeker's ability to sense it.

As he moved toward the center of the room, he saw Darkblade come back to his senses, not seeming at all surprised that his Apprentice was gone.

Without a word, the Mystic closed his eyes, let the Force flow through him and reached out with it, scanning the room for any other inhabitants. Clear as day, he sensed the fear and confusion of the Knight.

“There we are! You forget who taught you everything you know, young one.”

Darkblade reached out with his free hand, concentrating on the Force signature he was sensing, and saw as his actions revealed his opponent. Aexod reignited his lightsaber, now realizing there was no way out of this situation but to disarm and subdue his Master, something that he didn’t feel he had the strength to do.

“No more nonsense, now you die,” the Equite said with the same, unusually monotonous voice. With a powerful downward strike, Darkblade once again attacked Burgoo, only to be denied by his two handed overhead block.

Aexod used this position to his advantage. Holding his lightsaber high, still blocking his opponent’s blow, he threw his body at the Mystic, connecting with his chest, and knocking him off his feet. Dropping his own lightsaber, Aexod immediately went for Darkblade’s right hand, using his knee to fixate it to the icy floor, while he used his other foot to kick the lit lightsaber out of his hand, causing it to slide a few yards away from its owner.

Stop it!” he pleaded one last time, trying to get through to his Master and mentor. “This isn’t you! It’s that damn box playing tricks on your head!”

The Anzat’s face changed from a concentrated frown to a slight look of surprise. He nodded slightly, then turned his attention toward the pillar in the middle of the room. Summoning the strength he had left, he extended his free arm toward it, and released a bolt of lightning at the box standing on the top of it.

All of a sudden, the room became lighter than it was, a bright glow coming from the unknown artifact. Darkblade started shaking, and Aexod quickly got up, confused as what was happening. Dark smoke started emerging from the Seeker, first out of his mouth, nostrils and eye sockets, quickly followed by the rest of his body. The smoke rose up to the air, effortlessly passing through the solid icy roof of the cavern, disappearing from sight.

Darkblade was sprawled on the floor, his body seemingly lifeless. Aexod knelt next to him and placed his hand on the thorax, looking for a sign of life. He felt a weak heartbeat, signaling his Master was still alive.

Placing one of the Mystic’s arms around his neck, he lifted the rest of the limp body and placed it on his own upper back. Glancing one more time at the box in the middle, he spit in its direction and headed for the exit. He wouldn’t let his Master die, not here, and not like this.

Darth Renatus, 9 December, 2015 1:18 AM UTC

Force presence was nowhere near the the Seeker's ability to sense it.

Double "the".

Aexod immediately went for Darkblade’s right hand, using his knee to fixate it to the icy floor

I'm not sure "fixate" was the verb you needed here. I don't think his hand is obsessively focused on the floor.


There isn't much to comment on with this post. You did a good job structuring everything it just doesn't hook me as a reader. It comes across as straight forward. There are a lot of pauses in the action, and not much action when it does occur.

Aexod hoped with his entire being that his plan would work. He had thrown all his eggs in one basket so to speak. Time seemed to stop as everything around them was thrown into slow motion. The icicles had come loose and were dropping to the ground below them, where the Zabrak had cleverly maneuvered his Master. Darkblade had recovered from the blinding light and quickly looked up to see death speeding towards him, the drops of water glinting off the blue spears that were racing down to pierce him to the ground.

Giving a roar of rage the Seeker jumped to his left. He was too late however. The pain reached his brain shortly after the jolt his body received after being interrupted mid jump. Looking towards his leg he noticed three gaping holes in his legs, two in his left leg around the calf area and one in his right foot right through his ankle. He was incapacitated, lying broken and quite helpless on the ground. Splintered bone protruded from the wounds as the icicles had shattered upon impact increasing the size of the wounds. Blood seeping in a slow and steady rate from the wound snapped Darkblade back to his senses as the pain began to register in his brain. The Anzat howled in agony and lashed out blindly with his hands around him. The floor around him riddled with icicles and crushed ice.

After a few minutes the Mystic calmed down and realized that he was no longer possessed and had full control of his body. The pain must have driven the presence from his body he thought. “Aexod?” he croaked through cracked lips. “Burgoo, damn it, where are you? I seem to have regained control of my own body, but I need help getting from this blasted place. You were right not to come here. We should leave before one of us becomes the victim again.” the Seeker said as he tried to claw himself to the nearby wall in order to lean against it. This turned out to be an impossible feat, as he felt exhausted from his ordeal and the pain just too much for his body to handle. He felt the fight go out of him and lay still on the floor on his belly, hoping his Apprentice would come fetch him soon. As he closed his eyes he couldn't help but wonder if he would ever open them again. Exhaustion took over his body completely and he embraced the comfort it offered him.

The Shadow had watched the entire ordeal unfold before him but had to seek safety as the area of effect had widened. As the icicles came crashing down the young Knight had taken up refuge behind a massive ice pillar. As he watched his Master come to his senses and howl out in pain, the Zabrak had been overcome by the strong urge to end his Master’s life. Fighting the impulse and struggling to keep himself from reaching for his lightsaber, he noticed he was no longer in control of his body. Realizing what had happened Burgoo fought against the invading force into his mind with all that he had. It was futile though as within seconds the same that had befallen Darkblade only moments before had now overcome the Zabrak.

Kill! he heard a voice say. It echoed around the cavern, bouncing off the walls like a drumbeat. Aexod took a few steps toward his fallen Master. KILL the voice screamed, bloodlust washing over the Knight and removing any will to fight. Standing over the fallen Mystic, the Shadow reached for his vibroknife and kneeled down next to Darkblade. Rolling him over onto his back, he didn't hesitate as the voice chanted inside his head.

Kill Kill Kill

Aexod plunged his vibroknife into his Master’s stomach and carved him from gut to sternum. As Darkblade lay dying, he never seemed to register what had happened and passed away without ever knowing what was really going on.

"Excellent." the voice purred in Aexod’s head. Standing up with his hands covered in his Master’s gory remains, he walked towards the entrance where they had come from. “Freedom is finally mine! I thank you for your Master’s stupidity and you of course for letting me use your body. Oh don't worry, I won't be in here much longer, I can already begin to feel your mind starting to unravel, I must seek a stronger host.” Once outside of the caves, the sun had started to set, the rays of the sun touching Aexod would be the last warm thing he would ever feel as the body he no longer truly possessed took one step at a time through the wintery hell of what is known as Hoth.

Darth Renatus, 9 December, 2015 1:26 AM UTC

Looking towards his leg he noticed three gaping holes in his legs, two in his left leg around the calf area and one in his right foot right through his ankle.

Avoid repetition. Here you used "his leg" and then "his legs".

Splintered bone protruded from the wounds as the icicles had shattered upon impact increasing the size of the wounds.

Repetition again, "the wounds" and "the wounds".

The Anzat howled in agony and lashed out blindly with his hands around him. The floor around him riddled with icicles and crushed ice.

Again, "around him" followed by "around him".

the victim again.” the Seeker said as he tried to claw himself

This should have been a comma.

"Excellent." the voice purred in Aexod’s head.

Comma again.


While an interesting ending itself, the lack of conflict within the story itself is regrettable. You can still have conflict without the pair fighting, but the sense of struggle never comes to pass between Aexod and the possession. It just happens, and then Darkblade is killed. There is no gravity to these actions and no emotion stirred within the reader.

Your best attempt at stirring the reader came in the final few sentences, but by that point it was too little too late.