Knight Tistito "Tisto" Kingang vs. Ranger Xantros

Knight Tistito "Tisto" Kingang

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Jedi, Marauder, Sentinel
vs.

Ranger Xantros

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Duros, Jedi, Shadow, Consular
Comment

First, I'd like to apologize for the time it took in getting your match judged. I had several computer issues, that slowed me down quite considerably.

As stories go, this wasn't the story of the year, but I am happy to see players try out and hash out ideas in the ACC. I'd like to see more pacifist stories, so it was interesting to see you two try one out and show the others that it can be done. ;)

What I liked about your story was that it made me think of a Master Oogway / Shifu kung-fu master lesson, but where I think the story was rendered "stale" by the fact that neither of you exploited the scene around you. Your characters lived in a big white box with a door and little else. Just because there's no combat, doesn't mean you can't challenge your characters to a race around the yard, trying to catch frogs, jumping from beam to beam with the threat of falling down a dark pit full of alligators, or make sure the dog doesn't sense you as you sneak across the courtyard, etc. The story had no "dynamic" side to it, hence my overall disappointment with it.

That said, one writer did better in my opinion with respect to Syntax and Character sheet use. Well done Xantros..!

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Tistito "Tisto" Kingang, Ranger Xantros
Winner Ranger Xantros
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Tistito "Tisto" Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Ranger Xantros's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 13 December, 2015 8:05 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Some issues with syntax here and there, but nothing extreme. Rationale: You had a lot of syntax issues throughout your text. Having someone proofread your text would tremendously help raise this in future competitions.
Story - 40%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You both gave me a good sense of a Master Oogway teaching a younger Shifu throughout the post, but failed to deliver any "dynamic action" to it in my opinion. Rationale: You both gave me a good sense of a Master Oogway teaching a younger Shifu throughout the post, but failed to deliver any "dynamic action" to it in my opinion.
Realism - 25%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: I tried to catch you in some issues with the character sheet use, but every time the use was plausible or the powers being used, and how they were being used. Rationale: I had to remove a point for your use of aspects (scar in the Force) that do not exist on your character sheet for this battle.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No continuity issues that I saw. Rationale: No continuity issues that I saw.
Adept Xantros's Score: 4.05 Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.65
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

The doors to the room slammed open, as Tisto entered the room. The Kiffar was in an unusual state, not wearing his leather jacket, instead in a thin red undershirt. He moved almost defiantly through the room, approaching the man he came to see.

The Duro, never having officially met Tisto before hand, paled, as he sensed the racer through the Force. It was like staring at a jagged scar, something the Duro, through all of his adventures, had never encountered. It was not unlike the approaching Kiffar, who has numerous scars across his for arms, and even a few on his face, but those seemed to fit with the man.

"So you are the new Rollmaster, eh?" the swoop racer asked. "Worked with Clan Palpatine, and came to the Light. I have some questions for you."

Xantros eyed the man suspiciously, unsure where this encounter would go. "So you are, whomever you are, and are some what rude."

"Apologies friend," the Knight Commander replied. "I am Tisto Kingang, swoop racer and battle team leader of the Knights of Allusis. I was wondering if you could teach me about the Force. Liam only knows so much, and you have experienced both aspects."

"And you can use the Force with your..." Xantros began, the knowledge of the Kiffar's position in the Force still putting the normally curious Duro off.

"You mean, that I am a scar in the Force?" Tisto said evenly. "I could tell you about it, if you wish, but I really would like to learn more about the Force, if you don't mind."

"Alright then," the Rollmaster said, his curiosity and thirst for knowledge finally overcoming his nervousness around strange Kiffar.

Ala'ar Rinn, 18 December, 2015 1:53 AM UTC

Syntax

It was like staring at a jagged scar[.] Something the Duro, through all of his adventures, had never encountered.

It was not unlike the approaching Kiffar, who [had] numerous scars across his [forearms] and even with a few [more] on his face, but those seemed to fit with the man.

"So you are, whomever you are, and are some what rude."

The above sentence to me is unclear. What are you trying to say here?

The Duro, never having officially met Tisto before hand, paled, as he sensed the racer through the Force.

No comma needed after paled in the above sentence.


Realism

Just a quick note here about the following:

"Alright then," the Rollmaster said, his curiosity and thirst for knowledge finally overcoming his nervousness around strange Kiffar.

There's no reason for the rollmaster to be nervous around the "strange" Kiffar. He's a seasoned character who's seen everything. Not sure that he'd be nervous, so be sure to consider your opponent's character sheet before making claims about their state of mind. ;) (Haven't penalized for this).

What I do need to penalize you for is the following since I looked at your sheet for some clues as to what you're referring to here when you state that your character is a scar in the Force.

And using the Force with your what? I'm left guessing and scratching my head in confusion. The fact of the matter is, your sheet (for this ACC match) does not include such an aspect.

"And you can use the Force with your..." Xantros began, the knowledge of the Kiffar's position in the Force still putting the normally curious Duro off.

"You mean, that I am a scar in the Force?" Tisto said evenly. "I could tell you about it, if you wish, but I really would like to learn more about the Force, if you don't mind."

There was indeed something strange in Tisto. The fact that he was a scar in the Force explained a lot. Xantros had heard some stories about such beings, but he had never met any of them before. They were said to be Force sensitive and imcapable of using some Force powers, but also immune to the these Force powers. It made the Duro a bit uncomfortable, as he had no previous experiences with such beings.

„Alright, then,” spoke the Rollmaster, as his curiosity curiosity made him overcome his nervousness about strange Kiffar. „I will teach you a lesson, which you ask for. I hope that the knowledge, which you shall gain during this duel, will help you in your futher service to Clan Odan-Urr and our cause.”

„Start, whenever you are ready, Rollmaster. I hope that it will happen quickly,” replied Tisto.

„I need no more than a moment, I just have to focus and your strange presence in the Force does not help me, so stop talking and give me few seconds,” explained Xantros with a polite smile on his green face.

Tisto was still a Knight and he had a lot to learn. The Ranger hoped to help the Kiffar gain knowledge he sought for. He actually agreed to participate in the duel, because he liked sharing his knowledge and experience with other people. Fortunately, both Jedi considered the fight between them as a chance to learn new things than a deadly duel with aim to kill each other. It gave Xantros enough time to focus and create an illusion of Tisto seeing his parents die again and again. For a short moment, a grimace of pain and torment appeared on Kiffar's face, as he helplessly observed the imaginary scenes. The Ranger smiled with satisfaction, but he cursed a moment later, as it took his enemy much shorter than he expected to overcome the effects of the illusion.

„Your mind is stronger than I have thought. Point for you. You have to remember that we need people with strong minds to resist temptations of the dark side and people powerful enough to influence your mind and senses,” explained Xantros calmly, though he was a bit disturbed with the speed that Tisto had recovered with from his illusion.

Ala'ar Rinn, 18 December, 2015 2:33 AM UTC

Thank you for introducing the scar explanation in your story. It's helped me a bit, and since it was established by Tisto in his previous post (albeit erroneously), you had to continue with it in order to respect continuity. Well done.!


Syntax

What happened to your "Quotes" ? Here, there, and there...

["]Alright, then,” spoke the Rollmaster ["]I will teach you a lesson,

Tisto paused before speaking to the Ranger. "My mind, is not as strong as it should be," he replied honestly. "I have seen to much death and suffering. I know to much hate."

Xantros nodded, having seen such things before when working with Scholae Palpatine. "It is good you can admit to this," the Duro stated calmly, appreciating the honesty. "It should help the building blocks of your training."

Before Tisto could reply, he saw the Duro vanish before his eyes. Tisto flinched, unsure of what went on. Xantros, completely invisible, moved up to Tisto and tried a more subtle technique. Moving his hand, a motion Tisto could not detect, he whispered calling on the Force.

"You want to give into your anger," the Ranger said, before moving back, watching the Kiffar closely.

The Knight Commander's fists balled, and he seemed to have a moment of conflict. Suddenly it was like he was on the streets of Naa Shadaa again, wanting to prove his might to survive another day. I must fight something! he thought. Where is that Duro?

He began to move forward, giving the Rollmaster some pause. Then Tisto stopped, questioning his actions. Why did he want to fight the Duro, why was he so angry? He could feel the emotion there, but couldn't fathom where it came from. Xantros, seeing this smiled, and faded back into view.

"Good job," The Ranger said jovially. "You managed to handle that one well."

"That was a good trick," the swoop racer replied, on edge from the experience. "I almost didn't notice what you did. I didn't know the Force could be used so subtly."

Xantros took a bit of pride in that, glad he had taught the Knight something. He was about to do another test on the Kiffar, when he say the biker hand raise.

"Peace," he said. "Please give me a few seconds. It takes a lot to handle your abilities."

Ala'ar Rinn, 18 December, 2015 2:41 AM UTC

Syntax

"I have seen [too] much death and suffering. I know [too] much hate."

Xantros nodded, having seen such things before when working with Scholae [Palatinae].

Suddenly[,] it was like he was on the streets of [Nar Shaddaa]

He was about to do another test on the Kiffar, when he [saw] the biker['s] hand raise.

Xantros raised his eyebrows and thought for a second, observing his opponent. Finally, he spoke, "As you wish. I will give you two minutes of break to rest and prepare yourself for one more lesson, before our duel ends."

The Duro patiently observed as Tisto meditated to regain mental and physical energy. He rested himself, as maintaining illusion and Force cloak was quite demanding and he was a bit tired too, despite his mastery in the Force. Suddenly, the Kiffar raised his right hand and shot from his Dur-24 wrist laser twice.

The shots were aimed to make Xantros unable to move by hitting his knees, but the Ranger, guided by the Force or by sheer luck, like other people might think about that, managed to create a barrier, which blocked both blaster shots. Unharmed, he spoke to the Knight, "We have various means to defend ourselves. Even pacifists like me, who do not agree to fight directly and to use any kind of weapon to harm other beings"

"Yes, I know. I can do that too," replied Tisto with a smile. "But I hoped that I would catch you unprepared. It seemed that I would eliminate you from the further fight."

"If you hit, you would," said the Duro. "Still, it seems that the Force is in my favour and I can avoid such attacks like this one from time to time, even if it seems to be extremely improbable."

"It is a good lesson for me," replied the Kiffar. "But there was something else you want to teach me, am I correct?"

Xantros nodded, but remained silent for few minutes, observing his opponent. Finally, the Knight started walking around the Ranger, as his patience clearly failed him and he seemed bored. The Duro smiled and moved his hand from left to right, while speaking, "Now, you shall tell any person that you will meet in the corridors of the Shadow Academy that you have agreed to become my slave."

"Now, I shall tell any person that I will meet in the corridors of the Shadow Academy that I have agreed to become your slave," replied Tisto with dull voice. He walked to the door of the sparring room and stopped as soon as it opened in front of him. He looked back with a grimace of anger on his face and asked, "What did you say? I will not do anything like that!"

Xantros smiled with satisfaction and explained, "As you can see, I do not have to harm anyone to make them obey my will. There are various ways to achieve one's goals and they do not have to involve any kind of violence. This is the last lesson, which I wanted to teach you today."

"I see, Ranger Xantros," replied the Kiffar. "I see your wisdom, though I am sure that there are still some secrets, which you hide from me."

"Certainly, there are. Despite the fact that you are already a Knight, you still have to learn much. Just like I do, though my knowledge about the Force and other matters may be a bit more vast than yours. However, today's lesson has concluded," spoke Xantros and bowed before his opponent.

Tisto bowed too and both Jedi left the sparring room of the Shadow Academy.

Ala'ar Rinn, 18 December, 2015 3:01 AM UTC

Syntax

"Now, I shall tell any person that I will meet in the corridors of the Shadow Academy that I have agreed to become your slave," replied Tisto with [a] dull voice.