Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Acolyte Tyron Kesh

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Acolyte Tyron Kesh

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

Overall, this is what is to be expected out of a match between a veteran of the ACC and a newly qualified member. The disparity is obvious, but it isn't something that is insurmountable.

Tyron, look over the comments and feel free to ask any of the ACC Judging staff questions going forward. We are happy to help any member improve and enjoy the service offered by the ACC. You have the foundation for good writing, and an understanding of action. You just need to understand the system you are working within better, and how to apply your writing in an understandable and easily read manner for your readers.

The winner of this match, when the score is tallied, is Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj.

I look forward to seeing you both again in the future.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1 Day
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Acolyte Tyron Kesh
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Tyron Kesh's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr: Spanky's Tavern
Last Post 12 December, 2015 10:41 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Damian Gawonii
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: Just a few small issues. Refer to the comments. Rationale: A lot of repeated issues. Please keep the comments in mind and use a proof reader in the future.
Story - 40%
Deleted Damian Gawonii
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: You did reasonably well given that you didn't have the leading post. You managed to establish connections that were readily apparent in the initial post, and then tried to keep it at least somewhat interesting. The way you ended the match came across forced and didn't work within the flow of the match. Don't do your readers a disservice like that, give them a worthwhile ending. Rationale: There was no real substance to the story you presented. Fighting began, it kept happening, one line of dialogue was used, then more stuff happened and it was over. That isn't the basis of a good story. You need to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. There is no beginning here, no motivations established.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Damian Gawonii
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: No apparent issues. Rationale: Your biggest misstep seems to be your understanding of Character Sheets and the Force Powers within our system. Pay attention to the comments and don't be afraid to ask questions.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Damian Gawonii
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No apparent issues. Rationale: You had several instances where things just happened with no explanation as to where or how they had occurred.
Deleted's Score: 4.05 Damian Gawonii's Score: 2.4
Posts

You stand in a room, nearly dark but for the pulse of rhythmic flashes of bright colored lights. Besides your opponent and yourself, you note a large number of bystanders who are sure to take exception to the coming carnage. Then again, knowing this crowd, they could just as easily find entertainment in an old-fashioned brawl. Spanky's is, after all, one of the more fashionable drinking establishments of Karufr.

The patrons seem to be a mix between the scantily clad women hawking their charms and the well-dressed gentlemen eager to part with their hard-earned credits. The odors in the tavern assault your senses and threaten to muddle your reflexes. Among them, you recognize over a dozen various types of stimulants—both legal and illegal—and the heady scent of, what is quite possibly, the most varied collection of liquor this side of the Galaxy.

The tavern itself is fraught with tactical advantages and disadvantages. Designed in the familiar style of all amphitheaters, the floor is slightly slanted toward a central stage where a lithe, twi'lek female is currently dancing. Littered amongst the floor are drink tables, heavily laden with glassware and other potential missiles. Uncomfortable, heavy metal chairs surround each of the tables in a semi-circle, so that the occupant's view of the stage is never hindered. The only exit, aside from the doorway where you stand, is a vaulted staircase—guarded by two very well-dressed, and heavily muscled, gentlemen—leading into parts unknown.

Small bars bracket the tavern on either side, filled with a glittering rainbow of bottles. Whatever is about to go down, you realize it would go down better with a stiff drink.

The attack came the instant Tyron opened his mouth to taunt his opponent. It came without any warning, Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj moving with the with the preternatural speed of the Force. The opposing Sith's lightsaber materialized in his hand, igniting and spiraling across the room toward Tyron faster than thought itself. The Hunter barely managed to duck out of the way, the lightsaber’s blade slicing off a section of his cape as he threw herself to the floor. By the time the weapon completed its boomerang path and returned to Andrelious' hand, he was on his feet … as was Tyron. He realized Andrelious' initial greeting had all been an act. He had been waiting with his lightsaber up his sleeve the whole time, just looking for Tyron to lower his guard. Tyron braced himself for the Warlords next assault. Andrelious fired out a sharp burst of dark side power in a shimmering wave designed to knock Tyron from his feet. Tyron easily countered by throwing up a protective energy barrier. Tyron stood still, his own lightsaber still tucked inside his belt. But he was wary now: Andrelious had almost fooled him once, and he wasn’t about to let it happen again. As he leapt over the couch toward him, Tyron ignited his own weapon. The red blade sprung to life, and he fell into the familiar dance. Andrelious came in low to start, slashing at the Hunters legs. When Tyron parried the Warlords incoming blade he spun away quickly, moving out of range before Tyron could retaliate. At the same time, Tyron dived forward into a somersault that brought him close enough to strike at his opponents right side as he tumbled past him. Andrelious easily repelled the threat, as he pivoted just enough so that Tyron's weapon missed his hip by less than a centimeter. For good measure Andrelious kicked him hard in the back as he rolled past, a blow meant not to disable him, but to goad him on to further aggression. His kick had had the desired effect: when the Hunter came at him the next time his face was twisted with snarling rage. His fury allowed him to call upon the dark side, making him even more dangerous as he unleashed his next series of attacks. Leaping high in the air, crouching low to the ground, lunging forward, springing back, spinning, twisting, and twirling, he came at Andrelious from every conceivable angle in a relentless barrage meant to overwhelm his defenses, The Warlord was forced to parry his attacks and leap back. It didn’t take long for Tyron to sense that his opponent was wearing down. He, on the other hand, was barely winded. Tyron was using the Force to keep him rejuvenated and when the Warlord was a step slow in retreating after one of his thrusts, Tyron kicked his feet out from under Andrelious and sent him sprawling to the floor, only to back away and let him get to his feet again. Tyron was just getting started.

Darth Renatus, 14 December, 2015 1:16 AM UTC

It came without any warning, Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj moving with the with the preternatural speed of the Force.

You don't really need to list their full name, including the initial. It comes across mechanical for the reader.

The opposing Sith's lightsaber materialized in his hand, igniting and spiraling across the room toward Tyron faster than thought itself.

Your opponent doesn't have "Saber Throw" on his Character Sheet. These are critical for you to pay attention to as they tell you the abilities of the fighters, and how they would act in a given scenario. Using abilities they don't have is a Realism error.

The Hunter barely managed to duck out of the way

This is a realism error, though one that might be confusing. When this match began, and on your Character Sheet for this match (which can be reached by clicking your name within this match page), you are an Acolyte and need to be for this match. Using the wrong rank is a Realism error for you, and if your opponent doesn't adhere to your mistake as if it were right, then it would be a Continuity error on their part.

the lightsaber’s blade slicing off a section of his cape as he threw herself to the floor.

Swapped genders here, "he threw herself".

By the time the weapon completed its boomerang path and returned to Andrelious' hand, he was on his feet … as was Tyron.

The continuity of this doesn't make sense. Andrelious was on his feet, as was Tyron. When was Andrelious not on his feet? Also, you don't need a space leading into the ellipses.

He realized Andrelious' initial greeting had all been an act.

What greeting? This hasn't been established.

Tyron braced himself for the Warlords next assault.

Should be "Warlord's", in possessive form.

Tyron easily countered by throwing up a protective energy barrier.

You should read up on the usage of the Force Powers via the wiki. In this case, for Barrier, you have it at +1. That means:

At its most basic level, the Jedi must take several seconds to concentrate and focus their full will to manifest the Force as a protective Barrier. The user’s full concentration is necessary to maintain the barrier.

That wasn't portrayed here.

As he leapt over the couch toward him, Tyron ignited his own weapon.

Where did the couch come from? When did Tyron get behind it?

Andrelious came in low to start, slashing at the Hunters legs.

Possessive again, should be: Hunters'

When Tyron parried the Warlords

Warlord's

Tyron dived forward into a somersault that brought him close enough to strike at his opponents right side as he tumbled past him.

Keep in mind that Tyron only has knowledge of Form 0. That is the most basic of teachings, and doesn't include acrobatics that are familiar to the more notable forms.

Leaping high in the air, crouching low to the ground, lunging forward, springing back, spinning, twisting, and twirling, he came at Andrelious from every conceivable angle in a relentless barrage meant to overwhelm his defenses, The Warlord was forced to parry his attacks and leap back.

Much like above, acrobatics aren't something that is taught with your form. This is also rushed writing, trying to do too much at one time. Then, you use a comma instead of a period between "defenses" and "The Warlord".

It didn’t take long for Tyron to sense that his opponent was wearing down. He, on the other hand, was barely winded.

Once again, you have to pay attention to the Character Sheets. Tyron has +0 Perception, and no points in Sense. It wouldn't be realistic for him to have that much battle awareness. The other, more pressing issue, is your comparison of their fitness levels. Tyron has +2 Endurance and Andrelious has +3. Realistically, Tyron would grow tired this quickly. Even with Surge I, as you allude to, they would be on the same level, not differing.


There are a couple things pertaining to this post in particular I want to leave you with. It is imperative that you break up your post into paragraphs. Not only does it make it easier to read, it can help determine the flow of the post. You gave 506 words in what is referred to as a "wall of text". No one wants to see a "wall of text". You also have exactly no dialogue here... at all. Dialogue can help make the action feel more organic. Look to any fight scene from the films, there is often banter and remarks throughout the combat.

The other issue is your lack of understanding for the Character Sheets and how powers work. We have many resources and members available to help you in this area, and I urge you to utilize them.

Who does this Journeyman think he is? Andrelious thought to himself. He was shocked that the Hunter had dared take him on so openly.

“You fight well for someone so new to the Brotherhood. Keep it up and you’ll make a fine Sith,” the Warlord stated, eyes focused on the much taller Human.

Kesh shrugged, as if Andrelious’ compliment meant little to him. Instead of offering a verbal response, he charged in, armoury lightsaber armed and ready to continue the fight. The Warlord ducked, using his smaller stature to easily avoid his opponent’s attack, before countering with a series of powerful blows of his own. Tyron was forced onto the defensive as the older Sith pushed forwards.

“So typical of a Journeyman. You beat a training droid or two and think you can take the rest of the Clan on!” Mimosa-Inahj hissed, sliding his blade past the Hunter’s defences. Rather than land a telling blow, however, he merely singed the larger man’s clothing before pulling back.

“Last chance. Push me again and I will not show such clemency,” Andrelious warned, stepping back to give his fellow Sith a little breathing space.

Without any pause, Tyron leapt at the Warlord with a roar, trying to guide his lightsaber directly through his opponent’s middle. Many a fighter would have been caught by surprise, but Mimosa-Inahj’s senses were far too well attuned to fall to such a tactic; he blocked the Journeyman’s attack with ease, before ordering the Force to hurl Kesh across the room. The heavyset Human landed on a nearby table, shattering some glasses that had been left discarded on its surface. The shard of glass pierced his skin, leaving a series of small, bleeding cuts along his torso.

“I warned you. Now I suggest you run before I finish you off,” Andrelious spat, his eyes glinting red.

Darth Renatus, 14 December, 2015 1:23 AM UTC

As usual, from a technical stand point there isn't really anything for me to comment on here. You haven't brought the usual level of story however, but you did manage to interject more through the use of dialogue here than was present before. Now the reader knows they are within the same clan, and the rank disparity.

On the ground, Tyron saw his opponent coming towards him most likely to finish him. Before the Warlord could get close Tyron had drawn his Blaster and fired three quick bolts towards his opponent. His opponent dodged each of them with ease but the distractions gave Tyron enough time to get back on his feet and reignite his Lightsaber. Instead of slouching like he normally did, Tyron stood to his full stature his hair almost brushing the ceiling.

"I am Tyron Kesh and in front of me you are nothing." He said triumphantly.

The Hunter lunged at his opponent using the Force to project his mass. Tyron landed a few feet in front of his opponent. Tyron attacked his opponent than he had in any other battle; he was furious at the fact that this man saw him as just another Journeyman. The man fell back under Tyron's ferocious assault, frantically parrying the blows and retreating until he realized he was being back into a corner of the bar. Before Tyron could completely corner him the Warlord jumped over Tyron with ease due to his small stature. Andrelious landed on the other side of the bar and then went on the offensive, charging at Tyron with unnatural speed thanks to the Force but Before he could get close enough to Tyron the Hunter shot a fury of purple lightning from his hand forcing the Warlord to dodge and thus allowing Tyron to leap towards his opponent. With his Lightsaber held high above his head Tyron came down on his opponent to end the battle once and for all.

Darth Renatus, 14 December, 2015 1:33 AM UTC

Tyron had drawn his Blaster and fired three quick bolts towards his opponent.

There is no reason to capitalize "Blaster" here.

Tyron enough time to get back on his feet and reignite his Lightsaber.

Again, no reason for the capital on "Lightsaber".

"I am Tyron Kesh and in front of me you are nothing." He said triumphantly.

Since you are using "he said", it should be a comma in the dialogue and lower case after it.

The Hunter lunged at his opponent using the Force to project his mass.

What do you mean by "project his mass"? Are you using Amplification to move faster than you would normally?

Tyron attacked his opponent than he had in any other battle;

Looks like you're missing a word here, "his opponent [...] than he had".

but Before he could get close

Random capital strikes again!

With his Lightsaber held high above his head Tyron came down on his opponent to end the battle once and for all.

Another hostile capital, followed by an abrupt ending! This is an Alternate Ending match type, which means both of you are writing the final post, which means nothing comes after yours. Having an ending like this leaves the reader wanting so much more than you gave them.

Tyron didn’t even consider his opponent’s warning. He rushed towards Andrelious, leaping as he closed in. The Hunter focused on his anger, converting raw emotion into power that steeled his muscles, allowing him to hit the older Sith far harder than before. The vigour of the attack caught Mimosa-Inahj slightly off guard, but the Warlord, a veteran of such tactics, was able to quickly adapt his own style. He blocked some attacks, dodged others, waiting patiently for a telling opening to present itself.

As his fury fuelled attack began to slow down, Kesh found himself a little fatigued. He cursed under his breath at his failure at scoring even a minor hit on his opponent. Meanwhile, Andrelious, who had sensed what was happening, appeared to step up a gear himself, as if he had been toying with the Hunter.

“Now you will see just how much damage I can do to you, Journeyman. If you hadn’t been so aggressive, so sure of yourself, this power could have been yours!” Andrelious roared, smashing his blade into its opposite number. The armoury lightsaber held firm, as did Tyron’s arms, but the move hadn’t been intended as anything other than a feint.

Extending his arms outwards, Mimosa-Inahj sprayed a large fan of electrical energy directly at his opponent. The Hunter was thrown back by the attack, crashing with some force into a nearby wall. Andrelious smirked: his point was made, but he wasn’t ready to stop quite yet.

“Stop what you’re doing at once!” a voice ordered. The Warlord looked around to spot Kierdagh, Consul of Taldryan.

“Ah. Lord Consul. I was merely giving Mr. Kesh an advanced training exercise..” Andrelious responded nervously.

“Whatever you were doing, you’re done now,” Kierdagh continued, detecting that Tyron was badly wounded, mostly from electrocution, but alive.

“Very well. He’s learned a lot today,” the Warlord replied, loud enough for his opponent to hear.

A medical team arrived, ready to take the defeated Hunter away to begin his slow, painful recovery.

Darth Renatus, 14 December, 2015 1:38 AM UTC

“Ah. Lord Consul. I was merely giving Mr. Kesh an advanced training exercise..” Andrelious responded nervously.

If you're going to use an ellipses, it has to be three periods.

Kierdagh continued, detecting that Tyron was badly wounded, mostly from electrocution, but alive.

Might want to consider breaking up the sentence if you are using that many commas.


Ending felt a little rushed, and borderline Deus Ex Machina with the arrival of Kierdagh. It would have made a bit more sense if the possibility had been mentioned before, but it just feels like an excuse not to actually kill your opponent here and that hurts your story.