Hunter Mactire Chemel vs. Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Hunter Mactire Chemel

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Sentinel
vs.

Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Jedi, Defender, Sentinel
Comment

I've left pretty detailed notes on the match itself so I'll be brief here. The Master and Student story is tried and true. It's on display here at it's most simple execution. It works for a short match like this. I would have really liked some more intrigue that went beyond what I'm calling a cookie-cutter story. Nothing unique really stood out to me or is memorable.

Both writers need to work on proof reading. It's important because it can lose you an otherwise close match. It is also important because it's very hard for a judge to read.

I suggest you both take the feedback from this match to heart, learn from it, and keep doing more matches to get more comfortable with writing and the ACC.

Thank you,

-W

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Hunter Mactire Chemel, Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Winner Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Hunter Mactire Chemel's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 10 February, 2016 8:31 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Kristeva
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Issues with tense, passive voice, and general syntax issues. Get a proof reader. Rationale: Repeated errors in tense and grammar. I had to stop almost every line to make a note, which detracts from my ability to read your storytelling. Make sure to format your posts and use line breaks after dialogue, and also every so often to help with pacing. Try reading sentences back to yourself. Your ears will often catch things your eyes don't. If something sounds off to you, it is probably a good sign that there is a syntax issue causing it. An experienced proof reader will help with this.
Story - 40%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Kristeva
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You made this a pretty simple, conventional story. Nothing to really say other than safe and simple. Rationale: I like that you tried to establish a reason for Mactire to prove himself in the fight to his master. Other than that, I didn't get much sense of stakes or what would happen if he lost. Dialogue is not bad, just want to see more development in terms of why the conflict is happening and what it all means.
Realism - 25%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Kristeva
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues I saw. Rationale: Two things struck against you. One was how Sang entered the battle and the way the character behaved. Sangs "I Am Selfless" Aspect seems to think he wouldn't laugh or try and trip his apprentice. Careful with using the term "Force Wave" as that's an actual Feat in the system. I had to re-read it twice to realise he just used the Force to trip him up. You also describe Sang's Lightning Reflexes (Feat) in not the most accurate use. It's really a half point (if we had them). Lightning reflexes are meant to "trigger' when someone isn't paying attention. Sang is staring right at Mactire, and he's yelling and charging at him.
Continuity - 20%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Kristeva
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing I spotted. Rationale: Nothing I spotted.
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Score: 3.9 Kristeva's Score: 3.5
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

The walls of the training room felt cold and empty. The lights from above dimly lite the room making every shadow seem to be alive with an energy of its own. Mactire glided around the center of the room moving from position to position, practicing his stances and forms. With every slight breath and movement Mactire slowly reached out expanding his connection to the force as best he could. The goal for this was simple to reach out and find out more about his past, other then what was known. The door opened and hissed shut. Mactire looked up and scanned the area looking to see who it was that just entered the room. The force slowly stirred in him as he stretched out with his mind slowly searching each inch of the room. A force wave quickly sweeps Mactire off his feet and flat onto his face. Mactire grumbles lightly under his breath slowly getting up. “Not funny.” A small laugh echo’s within the room, “Oh but I thought it was. Besides you need to always be aware of your surroundings Padawan.” Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar moved slowly into the light and smiled. His presence sent ripples across the back of Mactire’s neck. The Masters brown eyes always seemed to know more about what was going on in the galaxy then he let on. His lose brown robes always made him seem battle ready, though being one of the few light Jedi in the Clan. Sanguinius always seemed to want to convert Mactire to the lightside of the force. “Master why must you torment me so? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Wait never mind please don’t answer that I know the answer.” Mactire said flippantly. Sanguinius slowly shook his head and smiled. “Oh Padawan you will never know the answer until you join the light and release your need for revenge on your former teacher.” Mactire slowly shifted his left boot feeling the old lightsaber against his leg. Remembering the past. Sanguinus uses the oppertitunty to attack. Sanguinus kicks towards Mactire who drops to the ground, stretches out his left leg and trips Sanguinus onto his back. As Sangunius falls Mactire pushes up off the ground with one hand landing on his feet smirking. “Ready when you are anytime any day.” Mactire says with glee. Sangunius slowly stands up, draws his lightsaber and breaths lightly. “Defend yourself Padawan. It is the only way you will improve.” The faint hiss of his blade fills the room as the sabers faint green light glows into the room making it seem brighter.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 17 February, 2016 5:08 AM UTC

The lights from above dimly lite the room making every shadow seem to be alive with an energy of its own.

Careful of tense: lit the room*

With every slight breath and movement [,] Mactire slowly reached out [,] expanding his connection to the force as best he could

Always capitalize the Force.

A force wave quickly sweeps Mactire off his feet and flat onto his face.

Swept. Watch your tense.

Force Wave is a Feat for TK, which threw me off originally. Second reading I realized you were simply trying to say that he used the Force (Telekinesis) to trip Mactire.

Mactire grumbles lightly under his breath slowly getting up.

Tense. Third person, past tense.

feeling the old lightsaber against his leg

Lightsaber wound you mean, like a scar or memory from the past? Be more clear here.

Your tense is wrong in almost every action you write. Please refer to the ACC Guide for further clarification if needed.

Sanguinius studied his student, his ignited blade held close to his body in a defensive stance. Mactire was arrogant, stubborn and full of anger still. The Entar used to have high hopes for his student, but now he wasn’t so sure. Mactire was too rash and easily riled.

The Warden exploded into action, the Jedi launching himself forward. His viridian blade darted out, probing the Hunter’s defence. Mactire hurriedly brought his own lightsaber up to parry the blow. Sanguinius shifted his weight from his left foot to his right foot and leapt upwards off to the Dakhani’s left side. The green blade sliced at Chemel’s face, forcing the younger Defender to throw himself awkwardly away from danger.

“Faster.” uttered Sang, disappointed with the performance of his wayward Padawan.

Mactire looked up in anger, his pride fuelling his emotions. He was determined to show his master just how powerful he was. The Hunter rolled sideways, out of the reach of the Entar’s lightsaber and pushed himself up off the ground.

Sanguinius strode after the Gray Jedi, he had baited Mactire earlier, pushing the limits of fair play.His viridian blade collided against the amethyst blade opposing him. Mactire gritted his teeth as he pushed against the Quaestor. Sang smiled wryly as he exerted his strength and broke the connection, forcing Mactire to back away from the follow up attack that threatened to disembowel him.

The attacks came thick and fast from multiple directions, each one designed to test the Professor’s student. Sanguinius trusted in Mactire’s ability to survive, yet his keen mind calculated several attack patterns that would see if the Sergeant was ready to ascend to the mantle of Knighthood.

Drawing upon the wellspring of calm that existed within his mind, Sanguinius channelled power through body and unleashed it, the invisible fist smashing into Mactire’s gut.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 17 February, 2016 5:14 AM UTC

The Warden exploded into action, the Jedi launching himself forward.

Awkward cadence here.

defence

defense* ;p (jk)

“Faster*[,]*” uttered Sang, disappointed with the performance of his wayward Padawan.

Sanguinius strode after the Gray Jedi, he had baited Mactire earlier, pushing the limits of fair play.His

Syntax is really off here. Missing space.

The attacks came thick and fast from multiple directions

Phrasing?

The impact from the shot made the Human stumble back and cough. Mactire doubled over as he lost concentration and his saber shut off, crimson blood trickled from the corners of his mouth. Stepping back slowly the gold blue eyes locked onto the Entars, his Masters. The human stood up breathing heavily but slowly not wanting to give into the pain in his gut, but knowing that he couldn’t fight much longer against a stronger opponent.

“Good show Master. How’s about we go for round two?” Mactire said with anger in his voice, trying to mask the pain he was feeling.

“I’ve have high hopes for you youngling. But your still very easy to anger.” Sanguinius replied stepping towards his apprentice slowly drawing out the match.

Mactire could slightly sense the motives behind the strikes. The Human closed his eyes for what felt like an eterinity, but it was only a moment. In that moment a vague memory returned to him and his eyes snapped open, glowing slightly with the force as he breathing returned to normal.

Sanguinus sighed heavily, sensing the anger radiating from Mactire. This was not what he wanted but what could he do, his apprentice was full of anger and it barely left him. He feared that Mactire would eventually succumb to the Dark Side of the force.

The Entar leapt into the air his viridian blade gliding in the darkness. Mactire ignited his amethyst blade and blocked the strike, buckling under the force behind the attack. The Human moved to the side and kicked his Masters left knee making him wince in pain backing up slightly.

Mactire kept his breathing slow and steady, remembering all that he lost, all that he would continue to lose if he didn’t protect those he cared about, those that needed to be protected. The Human let out a loud yell, and charged towards his Master, holding his blade slightly to the side.

The blades connected as Sanguinus moved with lightning reflexes and blocked the attack. Mactire jumped back in shock, and then charged again towards his opponent, feeling all the anger build in him he stretched out with the force and focused pushing the Entar back with all his might. The Human stretched out his right hand, trying to make his vision a realitly.

Sanguinus smiled as a barrier was up protecting him. “Rage and anger will awlays cloud your judgement, and you will lose control.” Though a thought did rage through his mind, his apprentice may be angry, may have pride but he isn’t angry enough to ever kill anyone yet, and that is what always troubles him. That he may cross that line one day.

Mactire dropped down onto his knees breathing heavily, feeling complelty drained. His anger slowly subsiding back to the void in which it comes from. Pain shot across his whole body as he feel back looking up at the glowing lights above him. They slowly dimmed as the Humans goldish blue eyes slowly closed embracing the rest that was coming to claim him.

Sangunius smiled, leaving the training area for now. “One day you will find true balance even if it takes me until I’m an old Jedi. Though let us hope it won’t ever come to that Apprentice.”

The Entar stepped out of the training room and the doors hissed shut, the only sound was Mactire’s heavy breathing. Slowly echoing down the halls.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 17 February, 2016 5:26 AM UTC

Mactire doubled over as he lost concentration and his saber shut off, crimson blood trickled from the corners of his mouth.

trickling

The human stood up breathing heavily but slowly not wanting to give into the pain in his gut, but knowing that he couldn’t fight much longer against a stronger opponent.

This can be broken up into two sentences and read much better.

But your still

you're*

the force

Always capitalize the Force.

The Entar leapt into the air [,] his viridian blade gliding in the darkness.

The Human

They are both Human, so this is confusing.

Mactire staggered backwards and looked up at his master, his eyes full of anger. The smaller human seethed, the need to prove himself was relentless. The Hunter straightened up and stared Sanguinius straight in the eye. “Is that all you’ve got, Master?” Mactire quipped, scowling.

Sanguinius simply smiled, registering the steely determination of his student. “Good...” he muttered to himself. “Let us test your skill with the Force, Padawan.”

The Jedi turned sideways on to Mactire, his viridian blade drawing the Dakhani’s attention as the Anaxsi focused upon the glop grenade that he had palmed from his belt. Sanguinius’ thumb activated the pressure switch and he tossed it underarm towards the Hunter. The silver orb spun through the air, the internal timer counting down to when it would kickstart the chemical reaction. The grenade flashed past Mactire, who was already moving away from non-fatal explosive. The timer reached zero and the chemical components reacted, a large mess of blue gloop expanded in the training room, coating the floor.

Mactire skidded to a halt, having narrowly missed being caught in the blue viscous and extremely sticky mass. He looked back at it and shook his head in relief. Getting stuck would have meant failing this test. Mactire’s mind raced, fed up with being constantly tested and being found wanting by his controlling master. The Dakhani vowed to himself that today was the day, enough was enough. He would be the student no longer.

The younger Defender gritted his teeth and advanced towards his watching teacher. His armoury lightsaber was grasped tightly, the lightly humming blade had been used by countless students before him. It had been used on many different battlefields and faced a myriad of opponents through the years. It was one of many and yet unique. It was important, it was a tool, it was a symbol. It was freedom, it was power, it was his identity. Before he came to the Brotherhood, Mactire was no-one, he was a blank face in a sea of faces. Now, he was something, he was someone.

The two lightsabers collided once more, as Mactire attacked Sanguinius with a new found fury, despite his previous exertions. His pride would allow him to do no less. The Warden fought defensively, his emerald blade parrying and redirecting blows with the least possible effort to conserve his strength.

Mactire grimaced as his muscles screamed in his mind, lactic acid burning his joints. He had pushed hard, throwing everything he had at the Anaxsi. “I know who I am, Master.” he carefully enunciated, his words full of power.

Sanguinius smiled inwardly as he heard the words, secure in the knowledge that his student had discovered his centre. The strength and will to fight for what he believed was right. The Jedi nodded thoughtfully, “and what are you, Padawan?”

“I am Mactire, student of Sara, student of Sanguinius.” he replied as the two pressed against each other, separated only by their lightsabers.

“Good.”

Sanguinius disengaged from the contest of strength, his lightsaber rotating in a circle to discourage a follow up attack from the Hunter. He stopped several paces back and disengaged his lightsaber and addressed the younger man. “You have found meaning, you have found your identity.”

Mactire stared at Sanguinius warily, unsure as to what was happening. The Hunter kept his armoury lightsaber ignited, well aware of tricks played by his master in previous training sessions that had left him on the floor, sore and bruised.

“You pass this test, Padawan. One more remains until I deem you worthy of Knighthood.” Sanguinius gestured towards the exit of the training room. “Come, let me instruct you one last time, my young friend...”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 17 February, 2016 6:28 AM UTC

The smaller human seethed, the need to prove himself was relentless.

caps human, awkward syntax

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 17 February, 2016 4:44 PM UTC

His armoury lightsaber was grasped tightly, the lightly humming blade had been used by countless students before him

Two separate clauses, needs to be two separate sentences. Careful of passive voice.

“I know who I am, Master*[,]*” he carefully enunciated, his words full of power.