Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea vs. Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Jedi, Defender, Sentinel
Comment

At the risk of sounding judgmental (get it? I'm a judge... yeah not funny...) this was a disappointing outing from you both, on my end of things. I've had the pleasure of witnessing multiple matches from both combatants that demonstrated a strength that was missing here.

Syntax was poor on both sides and appeared to lack any proofing. The story, however, was the biggest shortcoming. There was little to no gravity to be found here. There was no real motivation, at least none a reader could buy into. As the saying goes, you only get one chance at a first impression, and the story's impression was poor. It was hard to become invested in any way and the imagery on display was very high level without dragging the reader down into the scene.

That said, this was a close tally resulting in a win for Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar.

I hope you both continue to venture into the ACC and grow your abilities as story tellers.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea, Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Winner Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warden Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Codei Prison - Dungeons
Last Post 8 May, 2016 10:11 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: A proof reader would have helped immensely with the myriad of small issues that piled up. Rationale: A proof reader would have helped immensely with the myriad of small issues that piled up.
Story - 40%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: You granted meaning to the match and depth to it, while outlining the motivations of at least your half of the match. You used the arena well, but left some head scratching moments as to what was going on. Especially pertaining to the interaction with the hanging chains. What could have been a 4 was brought down due to the glossed over feel and the questions you caused in the reader. Rationale: As mentioned, your story (while complete) had no gravity to it. There was no motivation that held meeting and you gave the "reason" to the reader in the form of an "info dump" through dialogue rather than well structured narrative. Your action was also near non-existent in your main post.
Realism - 25%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were apparent. Rationale: None that were apparent.
Continuity - 20%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You gender swapped in your first post. Rationale: None that were apparent.
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Score: 3.55 Tasha'Vel Versea's Score: 3.5
Posts

You enter the dungeon via turbolift, hundreds of feet below the surface of Antei, down into the deepest depths of the Codei Prison. As you step out of the lift, the first thing you notice is the heat—a sweltering, miserable heat generated by the molten lava that both powers and protects the prison. The walls shine in the flickering light, the moisture dripping slowly downwards to create creeping tendrils of moss on the dark stone.

The second thing you notice are the chains dangling from the ceiling. Massive, twisted strands of black metal ending in a pair of stone manacles, hanging roughly seven feet in the air—high enough to make just standing in them a torture in itself. You know the chains and manacles have been forged with Sith Alchemy. They were constructed to prevent even an Elder from accessing the Force. Those bound by the black chains would be utterly helpless. Escape would be impossible.

The room is rectangular, seemingly carved out of solidified magma, and roughly the size of a small transport. Against each wall stands immaculate, durasteel tables covered with sharp, ugly instruments used for torture and interrogation. You can sense a myriad of deadly machines hidden just out of sight underneath the tables, waiting to administer both drugs and pain. Splashes of blood, having long-dried into the bedrock, remain as evidence of those who had suffered here before. Echoes of their ghastly screams seem to reverberate around the dungeon, sending shivers down your spine.

The doors of the turbolift close with a soft whoosh, cutting off your only escape. You stand in the dungeon of the Codei Prison—the inescapable hell for enemies of the Brotherhood—and you are not alone.

An awful wave of heat blasted Tasha’s face as her nostrils filled with the smell of putrid, rotting flesh. Slowly, she made her way down the stairs. “Out of all the places Sanguinius chooses to summon me, he brings me here?” Glancing up, she noticed a set of rusted shackles dangling above her. “I don’t know what he wants, but this sure isn’t the place I want to stay in.”

As she neared the bottom of the staircase, Tasha spotted Sanguinius on the landing. He was standing in his usual Jedi-ish stance: arms folded as if he had been meditating with a rather emotionless expression on his face. While facing the Twi’lek, he still spoke in the same rather calm tone of voice he always did in his office when giving instructions. “I suppose you are curious as to why I called you down to the prisons today.”

“Well it would be an understatement to say the least, Sang.” She laughed. “I haven’t been a bad Twi'lek have I?”

“No, on the contrary you have been doing very well as our new Aedile, however as a Quaestor I have to test your capabilities. Getting into the position is one goal, keeping a level head and being able to protect your House members is another. So today I am going to test you. Tasha’Vel Versea show me everything you can do.”

The Marauder grinned as she bowed to the Jedi in the same respectful manner her Grandfather had taught her. “Very well Sang, I figured this might happen at some point, so I will do my best.”

Quickly, she positioned herself sideways with her left foot back and pulled her lightsaber from her belt. Placing her left hand on the hilt and right hand supporting the blade, it sprung to life with a snap hiss and bathed her face in a hellish red. Charging forward with a warrior-like yell, Tasha then leapt at the Jedi with a diagonal strike from her lightsaber. To her surprise, she felt resistance as the Jedi sidestepped her swing and looked at her with a bemused smile. "Nice try, little Tasha."

“Kriffing Jedi must have put up his barrier, I should have expected that,” she thought. “There has to be a way to knock it down somehow.” Meanwhile, Sanguinius had already brought out his own lightsaber and stood for a moment watching the Marauder very carefully.

Darth Renatus, 9 May, 2016 10:57 PM UTC

Syntax

her Grandfather had taught her.

Unless it is part of "Grandpa Joe" for instance, there is no reason to capitalize this.

Story

The action here is rather weak, and nigh non-existent. You are setting up not just the reason for this match, but the first taste of action. You did this through a paragraph of dialogue that didn't carry much weight behind it for the reader. There is no hook here and that hurts you.

Violence was often seen as the answer to many of life’s problems. The Brotherhood craved violence, it encouraged its denizens to maim, torture and kill. All this done in the name of progression and “brotherhood”.

Sanguinius had faced down many enemies during his time in the Dark Brotherhood, mundanes, powerful Sith and idealistic Jedi. He had done as they had, he had killed and schemed to gain power. That was then, this was now. He was a better man. Time slowed down as he studied the young Twi’lek, watching the subtle movement of her lekku. The Professor had taught many at the Shadow Academy and had always been fascinated by aliens and their cultures. The former Imperial ignited his lightsaber, the viridian blade erupted into life, at once a weapon of death and a tool from a more civilised age.

Sanguinius knew his Aedile well, having seen her progress through her training. Her Master, Marcus Kiriyu was of his line of students, having been trained by the Warden’s own student, Inarya Entar. That tenuous connection had been enough for him to take an interest in Tasha’s wellbeing. She had suffered during the Clan’s minor civil war when the shards of Ombus caused many of the newer members to go mad and fight against their Clan. Tasha had sided with her Master, the ringleader of that rebellion.

He had forgiven the Marauder for her crimes, along with the others. Since then, they had worked hard to heal the wounds created by the rift. Sanguinius had taken Tasha as his Black Guard, trusting in her to protect him against the many Sith of Naga Sadow who wished to end his existence. He had then taken on the Gray Jedi after his machiavellian Aedile, Maelous Ascarend, had challenged him one time too many. The bearded Sith had since disappeared from everyday life in Marka Ragnos.The Entar knew him too well to count out the Sith just yet.

Tasha exploded into life, cannoning forward towards the Anaxsi. Time sped back up as the Jedi’s mind switched into combat mode. His movements were unconscious, his muscle memory allowing his lightsaber to come up and block the first few fierce strikes. The two were matched for strength, both Ragnosians putting their full might behind their strikes and parries.

Sanguinius fought defensively, always moving around the room as he allowed Tasha to tire himself on his defences. The crimson blade clashed with the viridian, reminiscent of thousands of battles before it as Dark fought Light for supremacy throughout the millennia. The Rutian Twi’lek gritted her teeth as she continued her attack, her strikes weakened in power as she exerted herself. The Mystic refused to give up however, her determination to show that she was beyond these meaningless tests.

Side-stepping an overarching swipe that would have bisected the Quaestor, Sanguinius struck back, forcing Tasha to defend herself. The viridian blade sped up, testing the skill of his subordinate. The Anaxsi never stopped moving as he drove the Gray Jedi back across the dungeon.

The Dark Side was strong within this place, influencing those who allowed their emotions to get the better of them. Tasha had come a long way from the anger fuelled young woman that Sanguinius had met when she first joined Naga Sadow. She had gone through the wringer and in doing so, came closer to the Light Side. The Jedi had chosen this venue to see if his Aedile had matured like he hoped, or if she would fall to the temptation of the Dark Side when under pressure.

The Warden gathered energy within himself, drawing upon the light that existed even amongst the darkness. As Sanguinius made Tasha parry an awkward strike that left her right side open, he punched her in the side, his blow amplified by the Force. The strike sent her staggering sideways, which allowed the Jedi to follow up with several more amplified punches before the Mystic regained her stance and lashed out with her crimson lightsaber like a cornered beast, desperate to survive.

“I’m not impressed, Blue.” the Entar shook his head as he backed off from the Twi’lek. “Show me your full power, little one before I discard you for someone of more use to me.” Sanguinius taunted the Marauder, his plan to antagonise Tasha into something rash in full flow. He hoped that she would be strong enough to resist the temptation of the Dark Side.

Darth Renatus, 9 May, 2016 11:12 PM UTC

Syntax

Sanguinius had faced down many enemies during his time in the Dark Brotherhood, mundanes, powerful Sith and idealistic Jedi.

First comma should be a colon, since you are leading into a list.

The former Imperial ignited his lightsaber, the viridian blade erupted into life, at once a weapon of death and a tool from a more civilised age.

Structure here implies a full stop after lightsaber. As it reads now, the flow is awkward.

Her Master, Marcus Kiriyu was of his line of students, having been trained by the Warden’s own student, Inarya Entar.

Another case where comma placement is causing awkward flow. Should have one after Kiriyu. Perhaps even rework the entire sentence to avoid commas.

Marka Ragnos.The Entar knew him too well to count out the Sith just yet.

Your space after the period ran away.

Story

While you grant much more meaning to this encounter, your description of combat doesn't paint as strong a picture as it could. You spend a lot of time "telling" about the strikes but never "showing them". The reader has a sense of what is going on but never anything more than a blurry idea. Beyond that, you don't utilize the strengths of your opponent's character sheet as well as you could. An opponent with the varied skills she has access to would be a lot more difficult than depicted here. Not enough for a realism hit just yet, but poor story.

Continuity

Tasha to tire himself on his defences.

Swapped genders here.

As she panted from the heavy blows,Tasha felt the rage building inside of her while the Jedi continued to taunt. Her pulse raced as every fiber in her body ached to strike down this annoying human. Despite her body lusting for blood, Tasha still analyzed her opponent. What is he trying to do? Her eyes narrowed a bit as she slowly circled him.

“Come on Tasha, you too scared to strike down your Quaestor? I thought you were a proud warrior.”

His jeering had worn on her long enough. Her eyes flashed a bright green as she mustered what strength she had to dart to the right of him and brought her blade around to his side. Without missing a beat, the jedi had turned and blocked her lightsaber with his. “You are so predictable, Tasha. Did you think that you can simply run to a blind spot and hit me?”

With Sanguinius in close proximity,Tasha didn’t waste the opportunity. While the Jedi was parrying her lightsaber, she took her right hand and began to strike Sanguinius right arm with multiple pinpoint strikes to the vital points from his shoulder to his wrist. Surprisingly, Sanguinius felt as if his right arm had been loaded down with a ton of bricks. It fell limp at his side as she then turned and gave a hard kick into his side. The force of her kick made him stagger back a little as he retreated.

“Interesting tactic Tasha, but that isn't going to stop me for long.” He began to meditate as Tasha came at him again. Just as she was about to strike, Sang quickly sidestepped her and struck her with a blow from his non paralyzed hand across her back. As she turned around, he smiled. “I am still full of surprises, Tasha.”

Infuriated, Tasha spread out her left hand and concentrated hard, however nothing happened. Sang began laughing.

“What's the matter, Marauder? Can't hit me with your lightning? I bet it feels quite terrible, losing the use of the force. It pains you doesn't it?”

Tasha’s lips curled into a sneer as she shot a venomous glare at her Quaestor. “You're a monster. Nice trick for a cheeky jedi. Nullifying my force powers, how impressive. That being said, it's not going to stop me from bringing you down.”

“A monster, I don't think so. What I see in front of me, however looks more monstrous. You are stepping into dangerous territory, Tasha. I'd advise you to be careful.” As he spoke, Sang could feel the paralysis leaving his right arm and began to flex the muscles. “That feels much better now.” Quickly, he brought his right hand back to his lightsaber again as he watched his Aedile’s movements.

She charged again, meeting his blade and struggled to turn it against him. He was still more skilled than she and brought his lightsaber close to her. She could feel the tension growing between the sabers as they crackled and hissed angrily against one another. She continued to push back with all of her strength against this jedi, refusing to give up, but she was losing ground. Before she could move, Sang suddenly stepped backwards, causing Tasha to carry her momentum forward and stumble. The blade clattered away from her as she fell forward to the ground. Swiftly, Sang's blade was at her throat as he stood there, looking down at his fallen Aedile.

“You have a lot of strength, but also a lot of anger. As you can see, this match is over. My suggestion to you, Aedile is to beware of letting anger get the best of you. If you feed it, you chance straying to the darkside. As for being a leader, you showed determination against an overwhelming presence and have passed my test. Well done.”

Darth Renatus, 9 May, 2016 11:21 PM UTC

Syntax

As she panted from the heavy blows,Tasha felt

The period after your comma appears to be shy and hiding.

the jedi had turned

Jedi needs a capital.

in close proximity,Tasha didn’t

Period after the comma.

Sanguinius right arm with

Possessive should have an apostraphe.

use of the force

Force is a proper noun!

Nullifying my force powers,

Again, proper noun. Also be careful understanding how powers work. Suppression doesn't 'nullify' (that's the Elder 2 Feat for it), it merely makes it more difficult to draw on.

Tasha pursed her lips in annoyance at the jibe, well aware that the Jedi was trying to bait her. She was better than that and resented the idea Sanguinius assuming she would draw upon her anger. Instead, Tasha began to smile as she recovered from the punches thrown her way.

Sanguinius was testing her, for what, she knew not. The Twi’lek was determined to pass the test, regardless of what it was. “Your insults need a little work, Sang.” Tasha chuckled as she brandished her crimson lightsaber. “In fact, I think you’re losing your edge.”

The Warden raised a quizzical eyebrow in response, “I am here to see who you really are, deep down.” Sanguinius advanced upon the waiting Mystic, his viridian lightsaber darting out as he leapt over a table, attacking from the right hand side of Tasha.

Tasha was ready for him, knowing that Sang would attack. Her crimson blade met his and held it back. Sanguinius kept moving however, grasping the hanging chains. Upon touching them, Sanguinius no longer felt the Light, only the cold darkness that suffocated his senses. Despite the lack of connectivity with the Force, the Warden swung on the chains to come behind his Aedile.

The Marauder stepped to one side, avoiding the swinging blade. Tasha drew upon her emotions, fuelling the telekinetic blow that collided into Sanguinius’ back. The strike cannoned him forward, his grip on the chains still firm. The Warden grimaced at the blow, riding it towards the wall. Sanguinius bent his legs as he reached the rock-face and pushed himself off the wall back at Tasha.

The chains clanked as they moved, the Jedi let go of the infused links and hurtled down towards Tasha. Upon letting go of the chains, Sanguinius’ connection with the Force returned. His lightsaber slashed downwards, threatening to cleave his opponent in two.

Tasha watched Sang swinging on the chains. She solidified her stance, her crimson lightsaber ready to intercept. As he fell towards her, the Marauder swung her blade upwards, batting the Entar’s saber to the side. Sanguinius rolled as he landed, his lightsaber deactivated in an instant. He rose, igniting his lightsaber once again to parry a slicing attack that could have taken his face off.

“That comment earlier about losing my edge?” Sanguinius enquired. “Thank you for a most sublime joke.” the Warden smiled.

“Sarcasm, from you?” Tasha narrowed her eyes, staring at her Quaestor as the two momentarily ceased their attacks.

“Honestly, Blue? I’m here to see if you’re good enough to be my replacement.” Sang gestured at their surroundings. “Do you think I like spending my time in dark dungeons?”

Tasha nodded, “Sometimes, I think you do.” she grinned and attacked once again. The Anaxsi rolled his eyes at her response and deftly deflected the strikes. The pair moved across the dungeon floor. Their lightsabers meeting again and again as Sanguinius maneouvered his opponent to where he wanted her. Tasha bumped up against one of the tables.

“Time to finish this, little one.” Sanguinius rumbled. He focused on the light within him and spread it outwards in a dampening zone that surrounded him. Tasha stumbled as she felt something was off. Sanguinius once again went on the offensive, his first few strikes were caught by muscle memory, but Tasha could not sense where the strikes would land anymore. The Twi’lek swore in frustration and narrowly ducked under Sang’s lightsaber. As she rose, Tasha found the viridian blade at her neck.

Sanguinius drew the circle surrounding him closer until it disappeared completely, “You did well, Tasha.” he withdrew his lightsaber from her neck.

“My pride nor feelings need salvaging, Sang.” the Mystic retorted. “You cheated.”

“Cheating? You expect me to fight honourably, yes?” the Entar asked.

“You’re a Jedi!” Tasha exclaimed. “That’s what you taught me!”

“True,” Sanguinius laughed, “But I’m also going to teach you another lesson.”

Tasha sighed and sat down on the table behind her. “Here we go, another fethin’ lecture from the Professor...” She deactivated her lightsaber and clasped it to her belt. Knowing full well just how much Sang enjoyed “teaching lessons”, she’d be here for another hour or two listening to the old fart gas on about something or other.

Darth Renatus, 9 May, 2016 11:29 PM UTC

Syntax

“Thank you for a most sublime joke.” the Warden smiled.

Should be a comma, not a period.

Tasha nodded, “Sometimes, I think you do.” she grinned and attacked once again.

Swap the comma and period.

little one.” Sanguinius rumbled.

Comma is used in "he said, she said" structure. And you do this several more times, I won't bother highlighting them all.

Story

Upon touching them, Sanguinius no longer felt the Light, only the cold darkness that suffocated his senses. Despite the lack of connectivity with the Force, the Warden swung on the chains to come behind his Aedile.

This was a missed opportunity to show the oppressive darkness of this venue. Instead, you just kind of gleam over it and make the reader wonder why he lacked connectivity.

she’d be here for another hour or two listening to the old fart gas on about something or other.

This ending is rather abrupt. It feels as though you just stopped writing rather than giving a proper implication of what he was going to teach her.