Mystic Kelly Mendes vs. Knight Kul'tak Drol

Mystic Kelly Mendes

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
vs.

Hunter Kul'tak Drol

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Shadow
Comment

Both writers have a firm concept of writing and do so very well. Your descriptions are good and it made the match interesting to read. It was a touch cliche in the way it was set up, but overall you both have a lot of potential in the ACC.

This match goes to Kelly simply because of Kul'tak's use of NPCs. You cannot use NPCs to get a character out of a bind. It's a form of Deus Ex Machina and will, more often than not, cost you the match. That's what happens in this case. You wrote it in a very interesting way; nonetheless, it's still a major detractor.

Congratulations, Kelly.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Kelly Mendes, Knight Kul'tak Drol
Winner Mystic Kelly Mendes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Kul'tak Drol's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 15 January, 2016 6:22 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Kul'tak Drol Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You had a few errors throughout the match. None of them really drew me out of the match. Rationale: I found several grammatical errors throughout your posts. They didn't take me out of the match, but there were so many to avoid ignoring.
Story - 40%
Kul'tak Drol Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: You're getting hit with a major detractor here, unfortunately. You wrote fairly well, but in your final post, you had the crowd attack Kelly. NPCs are not allowed to be used directly in combat in the ACC and this is what ultimately costs you the match. Rationale: Your story was fairly cliche, but it was written very well. Your wrote the use of the Force quite well, without mentioning the name of the power. That was very well done.
Realism - 25%
Kul'tak Drol Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: I found no errors. Also, please update your character sheet so that it no longer says "training saber." Rationale: I found no errors.
Continuity - 20%
Kul'tak Drol Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: I found no problems. Rationale: I found no problems.
Kul'tak Drol's Score: 3.65 Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 4.3
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

The Massassi were eagerly anticipating the clash between the Mystic and her Zabrak foe. Kelly had seen him around before, Kul’tak Drol was his name. The Zabrak stood ever so slightly taller than her and his physique was more suited to a physical confrontation than hers. The black tattoos on the face meant to intimidate her, the horns that sat atop his head also would have been able to scare a weak minded foe but weak minded the Equite wasn’t. Nevertheless, the chanting of the warriors surrounding them proved to be relaxing, the tribal nature of the Massassi much like that of the Zabrak.

The respective attire of the combatants showed their styles well. The minimalist, comfortable, feminine outfit worn by the human female showed her passion for elegance while the Zabrak wore an armour set black with splashes of red. His jet black hooded cloak going from the tip of his horns down to the bottom of his back.

Realizing that sooner or later the two would have to engage, the young woman took a confident step towards her alien opponent. She knew that she could beat him, the only question on her mind is how quickly she could do it. Would it be one blow to a finish, or would he manage to hold her off for a while? These thoughts rushing through her head allowed her opponent to simply vanish. Though she knew by the fact no Massassi bodies lay on the floor he had not attempted to flee. Rather he was still within the circle but invisible.

Kul’tak stalked his prey, taking advantage of the arrogance displayed by the Rollmaster to maneuver himself into a position from which he could strike unseen, though this would reveal his presence. Kul lunged forward, hoping to land a blow to end the confrontation quickly or at least grant him an advantage.

His strike landed on the Mystic’s lower back, sending Kelly to the floor, though now she knew where Kul was, she attempted to reply with a blow that didn’t come from her hand, but from from something unseen. In a successful effort to evade the unseen object Kul stepped backwards which allowed the Overseer of Plagueis to get to her feet.

“It appears as if we have a coward among the Zabrak, who prefers fighting from the shadows, unlike the proud warriors that they are known for producing.” Kelly called out to the captivated audience. She wasn’t sure if it would infuriate her opponent and cause him to attack or just provide acknowledgement to the crowd that had been there from the start.

Kul pulled out his lightsaber, it wasn’t as elegant as his opponent’s weapon but he wasn’t thinking about that, his thoughts were solely on defeating his opponent and making her regret insulting him. With blind fury Kul launched his body up into the air and attempted a dangerous overhead strike that if not stopped would cause serious pain to his foe.

Kelly noticed the airborne Zabrak and decided that he was sufficiently occupied to be open to her attack. Instead of going for something decisive she slowly pulled back her arms and just as the Zabrak was beginning to come down she pushed forward with a mighty power to send her opposition flying backwards a significant distance. She approached him with her usual swagger, everything minus the opening blow had pretty much gone her way. The bout wouldn’t last much longer if things continued this way, though she was still feeling a niggling pain caused from the surprise blow.

“Oh Kul’tak, when I heard you wanted to challenge me I have to admit I was relishing the thought. Your master is a skilled individual, a shame she has not been able to teach you how to handle yourself. You could have been a much bigger threat than this. But I suppose I may as well wend this charade of a contest no…” Her speech was cut short by the Zabrak managing to put his considerable physical prowess into a kick that had Kelly down to a knee before she decided to roll backwards and rise to her feet. Kul had also taken the opportunity to rise to a vertical base. The two eyed each other as the Massassi keenly looked on.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:18 PM UTC

"...charade of a contest no…” Her speech was cut short "

  • When someone is cut off, use a dash. Ellipses are for trailing off or intentional omission.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:15 PM UTC

"...send her opposition flying backwards a significant distance."

  • How far? Significant distance doesn't tell me much.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:16 PM UTC

"... a skilled individual, a shame she has not been able to teach..."

  • Two separate thoughts. Use a semi-colon here, or a period.

The Zabrak allowed a slight grin to cross his face, and his eyes sparkled all while his body ached from the Equite's considerable power. He struggled to suppress his rage at her insults, not at him but at his master's tutelage. He could manage to suffer through any muck she threw at him, but he did not appreciate such condescension of his teacher. Though being called a coward might have been a small piece of it, too. Both his hearts pumped vigorously to feed oxygen back into his limbs, and he used the brief respite to gain some breath.

"You talk too much, Equite." His grin edged wider across his cheek. "A commonality among the females of your species." His eyes flashed over her scant armor. He doubted he'd be able to outlast her in a battle of stamina, she had the look of someone used to physical exertion. If he hoped to pose even a challenge, he'd have to fight smart. Or dirty. He slipped his saber back onto its hook.

Kelly did not wait for the Zabrak to retaliate. Whether pushed by her own accord or actually responding to his own insults he could not be sure, but her eyes had definitely grown sterner, losing some of the joking manner she'd sought to taunt him with. Her saber lit the circle with its red glow, and she blinked subconsciously to correct her vision. However, when she opened her eyes, all she could see was the nether of pure darkness. She grew confused briefly until a flurry of punches connected with her ribs and the soft spots of her sides. Swinging blindly she sliced the air around herself. Kul'tak ducked and used her momentum to strike hard at her wrist, while slapping her saber out of her hand. It spun to the edge of the crowd, the iridescent blade ending the life of a Massassi warrior. The spray of blood caused them to grow all the more excited, feet stamping in vigor.

Unarmed and blind, Kelly controlled herself and thought swiftly. Reaching out around her with the Force she tore the blackness asunder, highlighting the Knight's presence in the living plane. He attempted to keep his advantage by forcing her back with deftly aimed punches, but it was obvious he was surprised to have been undone so quickly. A crack in his facade appeared for a brief instant as a wave of fear rolled out from the Force. Even the force-sensitive Massassi felt it, pounding each other on the back in excitement.

While not as talented with the fisticuff arts, the Equite held no doubts about her ability to control the Dark side of the Force. She deflected some blows while completely taking some in order to buy time, a deep well coalescing within her. It wasn't until she was ready and already moving that the Zabrak felt a familiar surge of power. He leapt away in the hopes of making himself a moving target, but it was too late. Kelly flung out her hands as they suddenly became encased in raging electricity. It pulsed and then became a stream as it racked the Zabrak's body. He cried out in abstract horror as his hearts threatened to burst from the stress and agonizing pain. She let the pure energy die out and the Knight fell to his knees, shaken and breathing sporadically.

"Never forget your place, Knight. You never had a chance in this fight." The Massassi clamored in their groups as they awaited what might be the death blow.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:19 PM UTC

"...suppress his rage at her insults, not at him but at his master's tutelage."

  • Confused punctuation. Try using a semi-colon after insults and a comma after him.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:47 PM UTC

"...Dark side..."

  • Shouldn't be capitalized. Only Force should be.

With the battle seemingly won the Mystic caught sight of where her lightsaber was and held her hand out in that direction, hoping to call the weapon back to her hand so that she may finish the duel quickly. The lightsaber did indeed return to the hand of it’s owner who then attempted to bring it down on the Knight’s arm, hoping to remove his arm and thus any threat posed. Luckily Kul knew what was coming and deftly rolled to the side and placed his lightsaber’s blade where his body had been. His lightsaber moved up to meet the strike and went higher as it’s owner rose to his feet which shocked his opponent into backing up.

Kelly went on the offensive, her opponent proving to be weakened she had to make the most of the advantage. Holding the curved hilt of her lightsaber in her favoured left hand, she began looking for weaknesses in her opponent’s defense. With a simple flick of the wrist her blade was angled down, attempting to expose any weakness previously unseen. It was blocked and the two red blades crashed together, making a wonderful sound that couldn’t be beaten by anything. Quickly thinking to keep up the intensity, the lightsaber swung down to attempt to take the Zabrak down to a knee from which he could surrender yet the strike was evaded. The signs were there though, the Zabrak couldn’t last as long as she could and that would be how Kelly would emerge victorious.

Kul still feeling the effects of the lightning soldiered on, the insults thrown at him and his teacher could not be left unpunished. He felt the power coursing through his body, it left his body through his hands and took the form of crackling electricity. It was met by the crimson blade of his foe’s weapon, harmlessly blocked it demonstrated that the woman had prepared a defence for such an attack.

Knowing how fatigued her opponent was Kelly saw the chance to end the bout and emerge victorious. She drew on the energy around her to ensure she had enough power for one final move, if this failed she’d be exposed but it was worth the risk. Feeling stronger than before she knew she could now overturn the one weakness she had suffered with so far in the contest. Her new found power enhanced her strikes beyond those that she could ordinarily muster. With her opponent retreating she knew there would be a point he would be able to retreat no more and either have to concede or somehow manage to escape. She relentlessly pushed forward, not showing as much fatigue as her challenger.

Kelly smiled as Kul retreated only to find himself unknowingly at first backing into one of the Massassi, realizing his dilemma he resourcefully took the DL-44 from his opponent’s holster and pressed it against her head. A smile crossed the face of the Mystic, like that move had just ensured her victory. She threw her lightsaber and due to the close proximity of the combatants her weapon landed a glancing blow to the Zabrak’s left knee, causing him to drop her blaster. This allowed her to place her lightsaber close enough to the Knight’s neck that any further resistance would result in his likely death if not serious injury. Aware of the situation Kul’tak bowed his head in defeat.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:48 PM UTC

"...it’s..."

  • its
Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:50 PM UTC

"Kelly smiled as Kul retreated only to find himself unknowingly at first backing into one of the Massassi, realizing his dilemma he resourcefully took the DL-44 from his opponent’s holster and pressed it against her head."

  • Two separate sentences. Separate with a period.

The Equite strode forward, confident in her victory. Not even a Zabrak, who could resist considerable pain, would be able to rise to the challenge after such a beating. Her eyes roamed over him as muscles spasmed uncontrollably. Should she end his life? His master would most likely not mind if this was the extent of what he had learned. Plagueis had no room for the weak. If he could not adapt, he would never avail. She prodded him once with her boot and he raised his hand to stop her but dropped it at the last moment. She scoffed at the display of weakness.

“If your master could see you now, Kul. How disappointed she'd be. I'll commend you for a decent fight, you surprised me for sure.” She let out a sigh and swept her gaze over the Massassi eagerly awaiting the execution. “There might have been a scenario where you lived, but our audience would revolt without seeing blood. Such is life. Only the strong survive.” She pointed a hand towards her saber, where it lay dipped in ichor. It jiggled a few times and then flew to her grasp, where she ignited it and directed the blade tip at the Zabrak’s head.

That iconic grin once again embraced the left side of his face. He raised his head which allowed her to see something besides a cloth hood. His eyes were closed tight and his hands rose in a submissive posture, with fists closed.

“Perhaps, Equite, you have me. Then again, maybe not.” He coughed up a wad of blood and spat it at her feet. “The thing about Massassi is, they're more beast than they are intelligent. And they love nothing more than to serve Sith.”

Kelly pursed her lips in agitated confusion. “You couldn't possibly be trying…?” The Zabrak could not stop himself from laughing, more crimson spittle soaking the temple floor.

“Like I said, you talk too much. Plenty of time to catch my bearings. I've been attuning myself to their signature in the Force since we arrived. I wasn't sure it would work, but I like having an ace in the hole.” He flicked out the fingers on both hands. “Destroy her.”

It was the moment before that Kelly realized the crowd around her had grown eerily silent. A handful of the Massassi had entered the circle behind her, carrying large battle spears. The befuddled warriors behind them stood by in curiosity, wondering what the purpose of their intrusion was. At Kul’tak’s command, however, they leapt at the Equite. Only one thing dominated their mind: destroy.

With a cry of anger Kelly pulled her saber back and drove it into the Zabrak’s chest. Or she would have, until he swung his own blade up and around to parry the strike. She backed off to face the threats from both sides as three Massassi warriors charged her flank. She cut them down easily enough, and faced the Knight, her anger becoming slightly more difficult to control.

“You’ll need to do better than three to beat me, Kul.”

He raised a hand and opened it palm upwards. “I only need one.” Following his arm’s line of sight, she realized he was talking about the warrior chief. The leader began shrieking earnestly, and the horde of Massassi drove inward to crush the Equite. She immediately went on a heavy defense, saber slicing anything that came within striking range. Warriors fell beneath her onslaught, the blood of ravagers splashing the stone. Hunks of warm flesh fell in tattered slivers. They kept coming, however, a veritable horde of professional killers. She looked for Kul’tak amongst the throng, wondering if he would decide to strike while she was distracted. He was nowhere to be seen. Cursed assassin.

As if he heard her, Kul’tak’s voice rang out over the tumult of bloodthirsty warriors. “Perhaps we can continue this at a later date, Equite.” Kelly tried to discern the direction, but the pressure of fighting on multiple fronts made it difficult. She slashed her blade across a Massassi throat and listened again. “--next time, I will be more powerful and shall eviscerate you. Until then.” She just happened to catch a glimpse of some bushes at the edge of the temple, shaking vigorously as if shoved aside. She forced the crowd around her back with a kinetic blast, using the opening to leap out and make her own hasty retreat. Taldryan might not look kindly upon her wiping out their Massassi force. Better to avoid political complications. She tsked and a frown crossed her face. Until next time, Coward.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 15 January, 2016 5:57 PM UTC

You cannot use NPCs to interfere directly in your match. This is what costs you the match.