Warrior Ophelia Delacroix d'Tana vs. Mystic Darkblade

Warrior Ophelia Delacroix d'Tana

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Human, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
vs.

Mystic Darkblade

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Anzati, Force Disciple, Seeker, Krath
Comment

This was a good battle between pretty evenly matched combatants. You both excel in different areas, and still have room to improve.

Darkblade, a good proofreader can help you bring up your syntax score, catching the things that you would miss on your own. No matter how many times I write, I often will just glaze over my own mistakes (even after several read throughs) and not see them until it is already posted. Getting help from fresh eyes with no expectations should catch these.

Ophelia, settling into a groove and not rushing the story will help you move beyond the simple continuity missteps of your writing and will, at the same time, help you evolve the story itself. This will help you in two categories that way. Don't get so lost in the overarching goal of your post that you forget the little things. Let it flow naturally.

You both did really well, and portrayed each other pretty in line between your posts. With the scores tallied, Ophelia Delacroix d'Tana takes a narrow victory.

I look forward to seeing you both again.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Ophelia Delacroix d'Tana, Mystic Darkblade
Winner Warrior Ophelia Delacroix d'Tana
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Ophelia Delacroix d'Tana's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Darkblade's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kashyyyk: Rainforest Canopies
Last Post 20 January, 2016 1:58 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Refer to the comments for the issues I was able to spot. Rationale: Refer to the comments for the issues I was able to spot.
Story - 40%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You seemed to become lost in setting up "Chekhov's Gun" with your Beast Control at the beginning, and failed to establish any basis of motivation for the conflict itself. The greatest opportunity afforded to the opening post is to set the terms and conditions of the match, so to speak. Why are they there? What brought about this moment in their lives? The story exists beyond these few posts, so let your reader see that. Rationale: You told a complete and structured story, but it rang hollow in terms of interest. With the lack of motivation provided by the opening post, you had an opportunity to take the reigns and guide the path this conflict was to take. That isn't the case and it comes out as just generic combat with no motivation or emotion on either side. Your ending was somewhat more satisfying, however there was an overall lack of conflict in your final post that helped to hold you back.
Realism - 25%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues that I was able to ascertain. Rationale: Please refer to the comments. Your depiction of Mind Trick upon Darkblade doesn't make sense given the Character Sheets and the circumstances.
Continuity - 20%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You had a small continuity error in your first post. Rationale: No issues I was able to ascertain.
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.85 Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade's Score: 3.65
Posts

Rainforest Canopies

The wild planet of Kashyyyk is known to be home to the gentle, but short-tempered race of Wookiees. Wild and untamed, the lush, wroshyr tree-filled forests form a multi-layered deathtrap. The local wildlife presenting more dangers as one descends towards the forest floor. However, as one ascends the vertical environment, the danger of falling increases until one comes in contact with the Wookiee settlements. Fauna and flora flourish in delight, growing within dirt pockets in the crevices of the trees. Some of these plants are carnivorous, becoming larger and deadlier closer to the forest floor. Others have some form of consciousness, able to communicate with the Wookiees to give some understanding of their use.

In one particular forest, you have traversed the vertical nightmare from Wookiee settlements and into the unknown to become lost within the canopies. Within the crevices in the trees, empty fruit and rotting shells from seeds show the spring season has ended. A soft wind whistles between the thick vines and shrubs that stick to the trunks of the ancient and sleeping giants. Despite the near-ending lack of footholds aside from the branches of wroshyr trees, you have found a series of abandoned and rotting platforms suspended a hundred meters above the surface, once home to a Wookiee settlement. Overgrown and decayed, it has since nourished countless plants and trees with their outstretched branches sheltering the dense and soft floor from the extreme sun rays and torrential rain. Upon closer inspection your eyes can pick up unusual signals. Moss carpets particular areas on the platforms and nowhere else, tree-dwelling animals and birds never land on the surface. In the corner of your eye you see something swaying, at first thought appearing to be another species of vine. But when you turn your head fully, you clearly see it is rope, damp but tightly locked. You feel that you have entered an arena without invitation, and the motivation to search further intrigues your mind. Tread carefully, or you will fall whim to the creatures that inhabit this terrain.

Rainforest Canopies

This is heavenly, Ophelia thought as she walked softly across the wooden boards of one of the hanging platforms. She had arrived earlier and the climb up had taxed her. For her own sake, she tucked herself away and allowed her energy to regenerate. The Warrior had spent many minutes more traversing the forest gazing at the plant life and the hidden animals as they traced their own paths through the canopy. Some moved not more than a few meters away from where she stood. She almost felt the urge to reach out and beckon them to her; that sweet temptation to run her hand along their necks and make them hers. One particularly massive beast clung to the tree bark only several dozen feet away. She locked gazes with it and made a connection just as it leaped away onto the next tree. She would call if she needed them, after all, there was no need to exert her powers this early on when she hadn’t even encountered her opponent yet.

Her goggles hung from her belt, which itself wrapped softly around her waist. She wore a sleeveless tank, boots, and a simple pair of combat trousers that allowed maximum motion but with also the protection needed to fend off the flora and fauna of her environment. Her cybernetics reflected the sunlight that managed to pierce through but more often than not she found herself in the shade of the great foliage above her. She tried to look over the side and found that her gaze could not pierce the gloom below.

As Ophelia moved on to one of the larger platforms she rolled her shoulders, looked around her contently, and simply sat. Nothing but the way down rested below her, and as she got comfortable she opened herself up to the music of the canopy. Nothing happened for a long moment before the tiny movements of the platform changed as her opponent walked towards her.

“You are just going to sit there? Seriously this is meant to be a fight. Come on get up and on your feet I challenged you to a fight, not a meditation period!” A wave of uneasiness washed across him and he almost reeled on the spot. He looked over Ophelia and something in his head kept telling him that she was too much for him, that he had no chance. In fact, as he looked down at the lightsaber deactivated in his hand he almost clipped it to his belt before his resolve kicked in and he looked back up towards his opponent. “Battle meditation in a one on—.” His words were cut off as a vine wrapped itself around his leg and dragged him to the ground.

Ophelia pushed herself up, hand outstretched with a bead of sweat glistening down her brow. The meditation had worked as intended but it had already knocked the wind out of her combined with the telekinetic attack. Tilting her head she swung her hand around and the vine let go of Darkblade then crashed down on his leg as he moved to push himself out of the way and up to a nearby tree branch.

He vaulted towards her and brought his saber down in an overhead strike, her saber came up to connect with his but as it did he pushed through her defenses and the blade sliced across her face cutting through the cybernetics on her left side. Ophelia recoiled in shock, burnt flesh filling her nostrils and as she looked up Darkblade recoiled slightly at the mess of her face.

Lightning cascaded from her hand, but he managed to throw himself out of harm’s way though some still struck and singed his hair. Though exhausted and in pain, she was upon him swinging wildly and aggressively. Spittle flew from the corner of her mouth as her saber swung in from the right and though he raised his own to block, her clawed cybernetic hand raked down his chest sending him back enough to give her space.

Something large and heavy clashed through the trees to his left and landed in front of him. Whatever it was, it coiled back and let out a screech moving between him and Ophelia. As he looked over towards the Warrior he noticed her eyes were locked on the creature, whispering to it and then her eyes went back to him. The creature screeched, moved in front of Ophelia and then struck out towards Darkblade. As it did he sidestepped and brought his saber in hard piercing it’s hide and through the side of the head. Its death cry followed Ophelia as she moved back and away from Darkblade running across the walkways, cutting the bridges rope supports as she reached the other side.

Darth Renatus, 28 January, 2016 1:12 AM UTC

Syntax

Ophelia recoiled in shock, burnt flesh filling her nostrils and as she looked up Darkblade recoiled slightly at the mess of her face

This could have been broken up better if you had added a comma after "her nostrils". I had to read it over a couple times to get the proper flow of the sentence.

Story

One particularly massive beast clung to the tree bark only several dozen feet away. She locked gazes with it and made a connection just as it leaped away onto the next tree. She would call if she needed them, after all, there was no need to exert her powers this early on when she hadn’t even encountered her opponent yet.

This, being a major sticking point for why you made contact with the "beasts", makes the lack of any descriptors or identifiers for this creature a damaging mark towards the overall quality of your story. It's okay to gloss over unimportant details, but anything that may be groundwork for a later plot action or something important needs a more complete picture.

Additionally, there has been no mention of the back story for this encounter, so your mentioning of an opponent is somewhat jarring.

Ophelia pushed herself up, hand outstretched with a bead of sweat glistening down her brow. The meditation had worked as intended but it had already knocked the wind out of her combined with the telekinetic attack.

Be careful with stuff like this. Battle Meditation is an advanced power that requires significant concentration at all levels. The way this is written, it sounds as if you used it in tandem with telekinesis, though it could also be inferred that they were used sequentially. One as a distraction, the other as a follow up attack. If used simultaneously, this would be a realism issue.

Continuity

He vaulted towards her and brought his saber down in an overhead strike, her saber came up to connect with his but as it did he pushed through her defenses and the blade sliced across her face cutting through the cybernetics on her left side.

Two paragraphs up his saber was deactivated, when did it activate? When did yours?

The Mystic cursed as he watched the Techweaver sprint towards the other end of the wooden walkway, barely making it herself as the ropes unraveled and gave way. With a groan the old makeshift bridge separated from the platform Darkblade was standing on and swing in a downwards arc before it crashed into the tree that supported Ophelia’s platform. Wooden boards and splinters exploded outwards, riddling the air with deadly missiles that would have been fatal for any creature had they been around before falling out of sight to the ground far below.

Slightly out of breath due to their brief but furious encounter with the Human, the Anzat looked around for another way to reach the other side. The air slightly blowing that brought with it a chill that signaled the sun's retreat and making way for nightfall.

Darkblade spotted a walkway slightly beneath him, one that reached the other side and was just a short sprint across. Keeping an eye on his opponent he quickly jumped down, landing softly with the aid of the Force and set off at an accelerated sprint that would bring him to the platform the Warrior was occupying.

The Gray Jedi heard a curse escape Ophelia as he quickly closed the distance between them. Drawing his lightsaber in one fluid motion he dragged it lazily along the ground as he rushed to engage her in combat. The smell of scorched wood filled the combatants nostrils as the Techweaver brought her red lightsaber to bare and barely ignited it in time, blocking the purple colored lightsaber's swift strike aimed to split her from head to toe. Slightly tired from the previous encounter Ophelia had not quite recovered her strength. The fight would need to be quick or she would perish beneath the Aedile's blades from exhaustion.

As the deadly dance began between the two of them, it became clear that the Anzat was gaining the upper hand despite being unfamiliar with the form the Warrior was using. Even their mastery of the forms seemed on par, no one clearly being able to gain the upper hand due to technique or style. The fighting style Ophelia was a practitioner of only further enhanced her exhaustion and it was not long before the Techweaver’s chaotic and dangerous attacks would become slow and predictable.

Breathing heavily the Human started to become exhausted. Damn it! Ophelia cursed to herself. As they danced, spun and expertly maneuvered around the platform she noticed a branch that dropped off downwards from the platform, one she hoped would lead to another platform not too far below them. As she prepared to position herself there was a sudden lull in combat as the Anzat refrained from attacking. Instead the Warrior locked eyes with Darkblade, as he began to speak to her.

“What happens if you jump and there’s nothing there except air?” the Mystic hissed. “Would you rather not fall by my blade or would you risk falling to your death instead?” The words spread doubt and fear in Ophelia’s mind.

Shaking her head to clear the poisonous doubts that plagued her mind the Human lashed out with her lightsaber to clear the space in front of her, forcing Darkblade to step back to keep from being harmed.

“I will not die today! Not by your blade, not by your venomous words and certainly not by falling to my death on this blasted planet full of overgrown trees.” the Warrior spat back.

Darth Renatus, 28 January, 2016 1:20 AM UTC

Syntax

Darkblade was standing on and swing in a downwards arc before it crashed into the tree that supported Ophelia’s platform.

Should be "swung" in this sentence.

Slightly out of breath due to their brief but furious encounter with the Human

Using "their brief but furious encounter with the Human" is a phrasing issue. "their [...] encounter" would have been enough, but the inclusion of "with the Human" changes the meaning of the sentence. Now it is several people having this encounter with the Human instead of a singular individual.

The air slightly blowing that brought with it a chill that signaled the sun's retreat and making way for nightfall.

Should be "The air slightly blowing brought with it a chill that signaled the sun's retreat, making way for nightfall."

The smell of scorched wood filled the combatants nostrils

"combatants" should be possessive.

Story

Breathing heavily the Human started to become exhausted.

The fact of Ophelia's exhaustion has been made a topic of this and the two preceding paragraphs. That is rather heavy handed story telling and you should aim for more subtlety than that.

Ophelia backpedaled and swung her saber around in a low arc before thrusting it up towards Darkblade who nimbly dodged it by leaping to the side. She just managed to bring her saber down in a block which rattled her wrist and she stumbled a few steps back. She had pushed herself too much too quickly at the start and was getting to the point of no return. She had heard the Aedile was skilled but she had figured she could simply overpower him with her abilities and walk away for an afternoon nap.

Her cybernetic hand rubbed her organic wrist and she looked up at Darkblade, sighing gently.

“This is clearly only going one way, so might as well make it a good way to go,” she stepped in bringing her saber in low, the blade began cutting through the wood below her feet as she dragged it around and as before the smell of burning wood filled their nostrils. The blade was deflected and as she brought it back around she dragged it downwards, the blade again sinking into the wood as she moved backward. Leaving herself exposed Darkblade plunged with his own saber, Ophelia barely managed to raise her arm in time to block the blow.

The blade of his saber pierced through the cybernetics and out the other side and she turned away, her saber’s blade dragging alongside as she did so. His saber was brought back and the smell of burning metal and circuitry filled the air. She moved further back, her saber trailing at her side and as she raised it once more to smack away another blow aimed at her she looked up at her opponent and sighed again.

“Seems you have got me, I’m bored. I say we end this and go home,” she wheezed out the last few words and Darkblade raised an eyebrow and shook his head at her.

“No, we’ll finish this properly as it should be!” he raised his saber once more and moved into strike the clearly exhausted Warrior though as he did a cracking was heard and he found his body shift as the wood below him gave way and he dropped. His arms reached out quickly and he managed to grip onto the wood on either side to stop himself falling through completely. Looking up at her he managed to splurt out “You weren’t trailing your saber in exhaustion you witch--” before her left foot met the side of his face.

Ophelia managed another swift kick which was followed by the crunch of breaking cartilage as the Anzat’s nose broke. The effort, however, made her stumble backward and fall to one knee, her saber deactivated and hung loosely in her hand. She looked up as he pulled himself up and out of the trap she had created, then approach her, his face a bloody mess. He spat out a glob of blood and Ophelia just giggled as his saber lashed out in anger and struck her through the right shoulder piercing her up to the hilt. Gritting her teeth she bit back a yelp of pain and pushed herself up, the saber cutting down through the cybernetics that made up the left side of her body.

“You’re done Ophelia. Just be lucky I don’t kill you.” As Dark moved to withdraw his blade he found the front of his clothes grabbed and as Ophelia looked up he noticed the difference in her gaze, the wild primal look of hatred and wrath. “Oh, Sith sp--.” His words cut off as she rose and smashed her forehead into his broken nose sending him back, his saber deactivating as the enraged woman found a burst of primal strength to lay into him.

He attempted to scramble away but Ophelia latched on, pushed herself forward and vice gripped his ear with her teeth and with strength granted by the Force she ripped her head sideways mutilating the ear and spitting the remains out of her mouth as she turned on the stricken man and delivered one swift kick which connected to his groin with an almost satisfying crunch. A groan of despair escaped his lips and he crumpled to his knees, a single tear escaping the corner of his eye and as he tried to focus on his opponent he noticed her attempt to walk away, sway then collapse in a heap, her everything long spent.

Then with a little wheeze, he moved onto his side and waited for the pain to vanish.

Darth Renatus, 28 January, 2016 1:26 AM UTC

Syntax

“No, we’ll finish this properly as it should be!” he raised his saber once more

This isn't a case of "he said, she said", but two seperate sentences. "he raised" should be capitalized.

A groan of despair escaped his lips and he crumpled to his knees, a single tear escaping the corner of his eye and as he tried to focus on his opponent he noticed her attempt to walk away, sway then collapse in a heap, her everything long spent.

This sentence goes on too long, and would have been better suited to being broken up.

As dusk began to settle the Anzat looked ever more like the monster some mothers would tell their children about into scaring them to be good. Darkblade paled however in comparison to the grotesque figure that stood before him in the shadows of the trees. Already terrifying when she could be seen in daylight, the lack of light cast shadows across Ophelia’s form that could only be described as truly horrific. Whatever had happened to her would scare many into hiding under their beds, which would be futile as the Warrior would most likely drag them away screaming for mercy with that blasted cybernetic claw arm she had on her. Rubbing his chest slightly, the Anzat did not fancy coming into arms reach again unless absolutely necessary.

The Aedile kept a careful eye on his opponent as he watched her step back. Relaxing slightly, Darkblade smiled as he expected her to take the next step and fall to her death. The wind tugged at Ophelia’s dress, dancing between the creases and creating the imagery that waves were rolling across it, as if beckoning her to take the leap. The Warrior had other plans however and took her lightsaber from her right hand and switched it to her cybernetic clawed hand. The grip was unfamiliar to her and seemed clunky.

Claws aren’t really the best thing to have when I need to hold on to this she thought to herself. Looking the Mystic in the eye, she waved with her left hand in a wide over-exaggerated arc. “You don’t want to see me fall. In fact you want to step aside and let me pass.” Ophelia said, emphasizing some of the words hoping her gamble would pay off. For all the tricks she had, she was running out of time and space to turn this fight around.

Darkblade looked at her quizzically. “I--”. he visibly struggled. The truth was he did not want to see her fall. In fact he wanted to see her live. Killing a fellow Clan member was not in his nature, no matter the transgression. He left that to others who were capable of dealing with the emotions. However, he didn’t relish the idea of letting her walk by within arms reach yet he had difficulty in battling his mind as it somehow seemed to fight against him. “I don’t want to see you fall. In fact I’ll step aside for you!” he exclaimed.

As the Anzat stepped aside the Human seemed astonished her trick had worked. Afraid it wouldn’t last long she hurried away from the edge and towards the bridge Darkblade had accessed to reach their current platform. The Seeker had regained his senses and acted quickly, his lightsaber still ignited he focused on the body of Ophelia, making her movements sluggish. The Warrior’s slow trot turned into what could only be described as a crawl. Her feet shuffling along the wooden beams, kicking up moss and disturbing insects.

Before she realized what was happening she was surrounded by darkness and for all intents and purposes seemed blind at that moment. Halting immediately for fear of walking off the platform and into the vast emptiness of open space that surrounded her, she breathed controllably and waited for the cloud to dissipate.

The Aedile felt drained after using such Force powers in quick succession. Knowing he would not be able to best her now, he summoned up the last bit of energy he had. Looking towards Ophelia he spotted her in the blackness, picking out her shade against the darker tones. The Anzat could see through the cloud, albeit in tones of darker hues. It took a lot of training to pick out shapes and outlines, one that he excelled in. As he sprinted towards the Warrior he jumped over her landing softly on his feet. As he continued to sprint across the bridge, almost slipping a few times, he reached the other side and turned around.

“Well fought Ophelia!” he shouted across to her. “This skirmish of ours ends here though. It’s getting dark and I hate fighting on an empty stomach.” With those words he slashed at the ropes supporting the bridge with his lightsaber, finding it oddly satisfying that what the Human had done earlier was now being repaid. The bridge cut loose and immediately fell in a downwards swing to crash into the tree on the other side that still supported the bridge with intact ropes.

As darkness overtook the forest and Darkblade began his slow and careful descent, he could hear the angered howls of the Warrior mingle with those of the creatures of the night.

Darth Renatus, 28 January, 2016 1:34 AM UTC

Syntax

coming into arms reach again unless absolutely necessary.

"arms" should be possessive.

“I--”. he visibly struggled.

Unnecessary period in the middle.

Realism

“I don’t want to see you fall. In fact I’ll step aside for you!” he exclaimed.

With +3 Resolve, against her +2 Mind Trick, as well as Darkblade not being "off guard" mentally at this point in the battle, it isn't realistic for her to so easily sway him, or that effectively. While your aspects play to Darkblade not wanting to kill, letting her go isn't something he is down for so it is hard to put this into the benefit of doubt that is "playing upon his wants".