Battlemaster Taranae Rhode vs. Mystic Kelly Mendes

Battlemaster Taranae Rhode

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Mystic Kelly Mendes

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

This was a fairly decent match and a good showing by you both. You both could benefit from reviewing the Force Powers wiki and how the abilities are applied within our system.

Other than that, it was clear throughout that you both were comfortable writing the characters and even in managing the nature of this venue. However, from a story perspective, it only seemed as though one author was in the driver seat from the onset and that never changed between the first post and the last.

With that in mind, and the scores tallied, the win is granted to Taranae Rhode.

I look forward to your next match.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Taranae Rhode, Mystic Kelly Mendes
Winner Battlemaster Taranae Rhode
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Taranae Rhode's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kamino: Landing Platform
Last Post 25 January, 2016 7:36 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Refer to the comments on syntax. Rationale: Refer to the comments on syntax. You had many running sentences that could have been broken up into chunks, due to flue or structure. More than I identified, but same concept.
Story - 40%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You clearly drove the brunt of the story, providing the motivations and the course the battle was to take. You had more upfront than you had in your final post, which held you back somewhat, and were a bit lacking in imagery that would bring the story to life and get you a higher score. Rationale: You let the other writer dominate the course the story was to take, offering a complete story on your end but following the steps set up by the other writer instead of driving your own style or personality into the fiction here. Your ending was also abrupt and left no hint of a "story beyond this", as this is only a snapshot in the lives of these characters who exist before, and after, the encounter.
Realism - 25%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Major realism issues. Refer to the comments and the Force Powers wiki page to get a better idea of how powers function. Rationale: Refer to the comments and the Force Powers wiki page to get a better idea of how powers function.
Continuity - 20%
Envoy Taranae Rhode Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that I noticed. Rationale: One instance in your first post.
Envoy Taranae Rhode's Score: 3.95 Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 3.45
Posts

Landing Platform

Lightning shatters the sky and strikes the spire atop the cloning complex towering before you as you step off your ship and onto the rain-slick landing platform. Kamino, the Planet of Storms, is known for its roiling seas and constant torrential downpour.The fall of the Galactic Empire hit the planet’s primary export of military cloning projects extremely hard, but the Kaminoans remained afloat, both figuratively with contracts to galactic warlords, and literally with the brilliant engineering of their iconic seaborne cities.

The initial landing pad is a wide circle designed to accommodate a variety of ships, and is connected to a series of other platforms as well. Every surface is slick with rain, but avoids flooding due to the sloped edges that allow the water to run off into the sea below and away from the centerpoint.

The cloning facility’s exterior is characterized by similar slopes, and raindrops rapidly transform into steam as they touch against the series of lightning rods around the platform, much like they would if they dripped onto a lightsaber blade. You wonder which is deadlier as you observe the violent arcs of electricity course through the pylons.

History tells of the fateful encounter between Obi Wan Kenobi and renowned Bounty Hunter Jango Fett. The doors of the facility are sealed, which means that whatever challenge awaits you, will have to be faced in the heart of the omnipresent rainstorm. What history will you write?

The ramp of the ship hissed shut behind the Blade of the Fallen as she stepped off the durasteel ramp onto the metallic surface of the landing platform. Looking around her, she growled at the weather as the skies were heavy with precipitation and were pouring incessantly onto the surrounding structures. As she stood, seething at the situation, her hair began to stick to her face and she shook it out. The fiery red colour that had become her trademark since joining the Brotherhood fanned out from her head as she shook it to and fro, ridding herself of the cumbersome weight and the clinging strands that had begun to cover her face.

Once again she wondered why the Overseer had chosen this place of the many options available to partake in a sparring match. Her mood soured even further as the pylons steamed and once again arced from one to the other, causing a blinding flash, even in the semi-brightness of the day. Suddenly it dawned on her; Kelly had chosen a spot with as many distractions as possible. She meant to even the odds.

Taranae walked to the centre of the platform as she thought about where her opponent could be. Surely she had honour and would show herself before an attack? Just to be sure, Taranae took off the safety catches on her blasters and unsheathed her saberstaff which was clipped to her belt. It had taken a little getting used to as the longer cylinder used to contain the two focusing crystals was a little more cumbersome, but she knew she carried one of the deadliest lightsabers known to Sith or Jedi. As she wondered, a figure detached itself from the shadows surrounding one of the entrances to the complex and calmly walked towards her.

Kelly had been watching Taranae since her arrival and wondered why the Sith hadn't yet sensed her presence. As she strolled forwards, she glanced around and berated herself for being so foolish. The electrical storm being kicked up by the rain and sizzling pylons would have put anyone off their stride and this is why she had picked this location to meet. She was sure Taranae must have been feeling a little dour after landing here and finding the weather not to her liking. The Overseer knew she had an advantage now as the noise and circumstances would not help with concentration while they sparred, but she also knew that this may not actually work in her favour either. It was a chance she had to take if she wished to better the Blade. As she neared Taranae, she inclined her head slightly to acknowledge that she recognized her foe. The Blade did the same but was obviously not very happy at the choice of location.

"Why here?" she asked as Kelly approached her.

"Because I at least wanted to have a chance to beat you." she quipped as she stopped a couple of arms lengths from Taranae.

"So you dragged me out here to this cesspit of a planet to stand in the pouring rain so you had a chance to beat me?" she snarled, her anger flaring already. Kelly nodded in mute amusement as Taranae slowly raised her saberstaff in front of her. "I know we may be friends and even in the same clan, Overseer. But don't expect me to go easy on you because of that fact." She sneered as she saluted her foe, activating her saber and holding it vertically in front of her face whilst inclining her head.

Kelly flicked the activator on her own weapon and it whooshed into being. The red glow from the two weapons reflected from the pylons around them, now silent as they awaited the next arc of electricity from the falling rain. She followed Taranae's example and saluted her, saber held before her face.

"I don't expect you to, Blade. But don't expect me to make this an easy ride for you either." she commented, as she brought her blade horizontal, pointed directly at her foe.

Taranae grinned and let out a guttural roar that shocked Kelly. The Krath knew a little about the Blade, but she had never seen her act this way before and she wondered what she had let herself in for. As the look of worry crossed her face, Taranae leapt at her and the fight began in earnest.

Kelly barely had chance to block the attack as it pushed towards her face, screaming down from above in a blow meant to carve her in two. As she raised her saber in defence, her foe's attack hit it with a bone-jarring clash that forced Kelly onto her knees.

"Already finished, Overseer?" growled Taranae. "I thought you had more in you."

"Oh I do," grunted Kelly under the strong force of the saber being pushed down towards her head. The only reason she had stumbled backwards being the sheer force and ferocity of the initial attack. "And here's my reply."

She kicked out at the Blade's legs, only to have her foe jump nimbly into the air as Kelly's legs connected with thin air. Kelly rolled as the push of the blade lessened with the jump, and came up with her saber swinging towards her opponent's right side. Taranae swung her saber to the right and easily blocked Kelly's attack, swinging around with an outstretched leg and catching Kelly off guard, striking below her saber and connecting with her soft stomach. Winded, the Overseer stepped back as she crumpled, but held her weapon before her to ward off any attacks should they be made. Luckily for her, Taranae stepped back, as she thumbed another switch on her saber and the second blade of her staff flashed into existence.

Kelly looked on in horror as she realized she was now in a very dangerous position. She was winded and stood before a saberstaff wielding opponent. Thinking quickly, she reached out and gestured. She heard Taranae gasp and as she looked up, saw nothing but blackness surrounding her foe. She struggled to her feet, feeling a little better and saw Taranae march straight through the swirl of inky darkness straight towards her.

"But how?" she asked in amazement.

"We all have our skills, Overseer." she sneered back as she raised her staff.

Kelly had taken the moment needed as the Blade talked to launch her own offensive and she lashed out as Taranae emerged from the wall of blackness. Taranae dodged to the side, raising her staff as she attempted to deflect the blow. Her foot hit a slippery patch of the landing pad and her leg gave way under her, causing her to fall into Kelly's slash. The weapon sliced into her robes and hit skin, digging in and creating a burning heat which caused Taranae to roar in pain. Kelly stepped back, the roar affecting her concentration. She watched Taranae fall, clutching her side. As the Blade knelt, holding her injury, Kelly saw the telltale sign of red that informed her that she had indeed landed a hit on her foe. She grinned as she reveled in the fact that she had actually gotten one over on the Blade of the Fallen.

Her grin faded a moment afterwards as she heard a low rumbling sound. Glancing around and thinking something was coming, she held her weapon ready. But as nothing appeared, she began searching for the source. Her head slowly turned to Taranae knelt on the ground. Her body shook slightly and Kelly realized that the growl was coming from her. Taranae raised her head and glared at the Overseer. She took her hand away from her wound and stared at it, becoming motionless.

The pain, the glorious pain. Taranae felt invigorated and knew in that instant that all her enemies would fall before her blade. She looked up and saw a woman stood before her. As she looked, she saw she also carried a lightsaber. She lowered her head to look at her injury again. A deep gash across her right side, bleeding a little but mostly cauterized. She knew now that the weapon the woman carried was the one that had caused this. For this she would die. She slowly raised her head back towards the woman and glared. A red haze settled over her sight and she stood, brandishing her saberstaff. The growl that came from her throat would have sent most scurrying, but this woman stood her ground. The enemy. Taranae's teeth bared as she pointed at the woman.

"You. You did this." Her weapon pointed directly at Kelly as she advanced. Kelly slowly backed away. She had never seen Taranae this way before and yes, she was worried.

"Taranae?" she quietly asked. "What are you doing?"

"Ridding myself of my enemies." she replied and gestured. One of the pylons shook as it suddenly lifted from the durasteel floor and hung in mid air. With a wave of her hand, Taranae sent the pylon flying directly at Kelly.

Kelly was fast and swung with her lightsaber, cutting the pylon in two as it reached her. The separate parts flew off to either side, one plunging into the waters in a shower of sparks and spray. She wasn't fast enough to counter the next attack as Taranae gestured again. This time Kelly was thrown off her feet and over the edge of the platform into the waves.

Darth Renatus, 31 January, 2016 4:32 PM UTC

Syntax

"Because I at least wanted to have a chance to beat you." she quipped as she stopped a couple of arms lengths from Taranae.

Since this is set up as a "he said, she said" there should be a comma in place of the period within the dialogue.

Realism

Kelly looked on in horror as she realized she was now in a very dangerous position. She was winded and stood before a saberstaff wielding opponent.

Kelly has +2 Resolve. This is an unrealistic portrayel of a skilled saber user, that is adept in two forms, and possessing trained resolve. Especially considering there isn't much in the way of intimidation on Taranae's sheet.

She struggled to her feet, feeling a little better and saw Taranae march straight through the swirl of inky darkness straight towards her.

"But how?" she asked in amazement.

"We all have our skills, Overseer." she sneered back as she raised her staff.

Kelly had taken the moment needed as the Blade talked to launch her own offensive and she lashed out as Taranae emerged from the wall of blackness.

Blackness is an advanced power that is difficult to use mid combat, even then it requires significant concentration and is draining at low levels. Kelly has this power at +1. At that level, they can only generate a 2 meter sphere around themself. Your portrayal here doesn't reflect that. This is also a story mark against you, for lack of explanation to the reader (its fine for the opponent not to know) how Taranae most likely used Sense to locate Kelly.

The growl that came from her throat would have sent most scurrying, but this woman stood her ground.

Again, you have no intimidation factor for your character.

"Ridding myself of my enemies." she replied and gestured. One of the pylons shook as it suddenly lifted from the durasteel floor and hung in mid air.

At +3 Telekinesis, it takes a few seconds of concentration to lift a heavy object, such as the pylons. Your writing doesn't reflect this.

Kelly was reeling but the stormy oceans of Kamino would not give her time to be complacent. She had to find a way of getting up to the platform, she couldn’t let her red-headed compatriot think she could win so easily. She drifted in the swirling ocean, unsure of whether this would be her end and who would punish Taranae. Keeping an eye on her surroundings she noticed that if she could get enough power into her legs she could jump back up on the platform and maybe even catch the clearly unhinged Aedile off her guard. With a leap bolstered by some unnatural power she soared skywards like the Thranta of Alderaan in the stories she had been told as a child.

Taranae walked to the edge of the platform, looking to see if she could make out the body of her opponent in the vast swirling ocean. The rain continued to pour, naturally for Kamino, which was one of the many distractions that Taranae had time to pay attention to. With Kelly seemingly gone forever the beast like state she had fallen into seemed to be subsiding. The sound of boots hitting the ground alerted the Blade to the survival of the Overseer.

Kelly looked at the back of Taranae, having only just got over the shock of their initial engagement, she began to understand what was going on. Her replacement as Blade of The Fallen had suffered some kind of mental breakdown. It tore away at her mind, Kelly only wondered if there was anything she could do to minimize or eliminate the negative effects this would clearly have on Plagueis. “Rhode, it isn’t too late to give up, surrender to me now and I will not harm you. Should you fail to heed my warning then I make no promises regarding the condition you will be in once I have taught you that anyone can be beaten.” Kelly yelled across the rain covered platform to ensure her voice would be heard. She readied her lightsaber, preparing for the woman to attack her, Kelly remained calm. Rhode was being pretty dramatic, leaving her back to her opponent, it was obviously a trap and one Taranae was unsure if Kelly would fall for or not. Unfortunately for the Aedile of Ajunta Pall her foe stood stoically across from her, having moved to the centre of the platform. This only served to stoke the flames of Tara’s fury.

After a couple of minutes Taranae turned to face Kelly, her eyes by now as red as those of a Chiss. It was clear to see the rage flowing through her as she viciously responded to Kelly’s offer. “Never will I surrender, you are my enemy, I will destroy you and anyone else who is against me. You have nobody to blame for this but yourself, you started this. I want you to remember that, if I don’t kill you that is.” She rushed her opponent, both blades of her saberstaff ignited, attempting to overwhelm her opponent. Fast, furious strikes, forcing Kelly to retreat but she didn’t retreat in the same direction, each attempted blow she dodged by moving in a different direction. This was a tactical choice to try and show an opening that could be exploited safely. There was an inner conflict present in the mind of the Rollmaster, should she do whatever it takes to stop Taranae, or should she just incapacitate her?

Kelly with a broad movement took her lightsaber and scraped the tip of the blade into the surface of the platform, steam rose as the yellow blade hit the water. Taranae was seemingly surprised by this maneuver and took a step back to avoid her face being burned, she was more rational now but the rage was still within her waiting to emerge and destroy its target. Drawing inspiration from their location Kelly wiggled the fingers on her right hand while pulling her arm back slowly. Once it had reached back to her shoulder she thrust it forward and out came an energy much like lightning in appearance emerged and made its way towards Taranae, it crackled as it flew through the air before hitting the twin red blades of Taranae’s saberstaff. The energy harmlessly dissipated and seemingly only incensed the Aedile who brought forth her own violent energy which was sent towards the head of the Overseer, only to be dodged when Kelly used her speed to duck down and avoid having her head fried.

Darth Renatus, 31 January, 2016 4:43 PM UTC

Syntax

“Rhode, it isn’t too late to give up, surrender to me now and I will not harm you. Should you fail to heed my warning then I make no promises regarding the condition you will be in once I have taught you that anyone can be beaten.” Kelly yelled across the rain covered platform to ensure her voice would be heard.

Since this is a "he said, she said", it should be a comma in the dialogue instead of a period.

Kelly with a broad movement took her lightsaber and scraped the tip of the blade into the surface of the platform, steam rose as the yellow blade hit the water.

Should be "Kelly, with a broad movement, took her lightsaber [...]". As it is, it flows awkwardly and doesn't work as proper grammar.

Once it had reached back to her shoulder she thrust it forward and out came an energy much like lightning in appearance emerged and made its way towards Taranae, it crackled as it flew through the air before hitting the twin red blades of Taranae’s saberstaff.

"out came an energy much like lighting in appearance emerged" doesn't work grammatically. It should be "and an energy much like lightning in appearance emerged". It also would have served better to break the sentence after "Taranae" with a period and have "it crackled [...]" as a second sentence.

Continuity

With a leap bolstered by some unnatural power she soared skywards like the Thranta of Alderaan in the stories she had been told as a child.

And what is she leaping off of? You state Kelly is in the swirling ocean, but make no mention of objects that she might be using to kick off of.

Taranae was surprised at Kelly’s speed as she quickly ducked. The energy missed by a fraction, setting the Rollmaster’s hair on end as the static passed by. Favouring one hand for a moment, Taranae drew her blaster from the holster and levelled it at her opponent. Kelly stood, shakily as she felt the energy pass by and she glanced as Taranae let out two blasts in quick succession. Instinctively she raised her lightsaber and deflected the first bolt, the second missing by a hair’s breadth.

“Please, Taranae. Look at what you’re doing. This isn’t what was meant to happen here, we were just here to spar!” she spoke, trying to make her voice heard above the sudden crackle of lightning grounding itself once more on the pylons. The Aedile hesitated. Twin emotions warred in her head as she struggled to understand what the Overseer meant. Surely she had been attacked first? Or had she? She shook her head, trying to clear the fog from her brain as the crackle of energy faded. She raised her blaster, her hand shaking as she lined up another salvo.

“I’m sorry about this,” said Kelly. “but you leave me no choice.” Without warning she threw up a hand and motioned a she pressed her forefinger and thumb together. Her foe gasped and dropped her blaster as her hands went to her throat. The momentary lapse in Taranae’s concentration was the opportunity Kelly had been waiting for as she slowly but firmly choked off the Aediles air supply. Seeing Taranae’s face slowly turning blue, Kelly lowered her head, her sadness at having to do this showing in her stance and demeanour. As the Blade’s body slumped to the floor, Kelly released her grip and rushed to her fallen foe’s side. She checked quickly for a pulse, hoping that she had only incapacitated her and was pleased to find a slight beat and Tara’s chest rising and falling slowly. Hopefully this would bring her around and she would be more amicable in her weakened state. She thought that after the show of strength that Taranae had shown, she would at least have to recover, maybe giving her time to talk some sense into her.

Minutes later, there was movement as Taranae stirred. Kelly, with her lightsaber in hand, knelt and whispered; “How are you? Are you hurt?”

“Kelly?” muttered Taranae. “Did you just try to kill me?”

“No. I attempted to prevent you from killing me.” she replied. “I hope it worked.” Taranae held out her hand and Kelly glanced at it suspiciously.

“It’s ok, I feel better now. Considering the fact you actually drew blood, I feel calmer.” Kelly took Taranae’s hand and helped her to her feet. Retrieving her staff, the Aedile slapped Kelly on the back, causing her to cough hoarsely.

“You can have this one, Overseer.” she said. “But next time you’ll pay for it.” She smiled at Kelly and she walked slowly back to her ship, rubbing her throat.

Kelly was unsure of how to take that last remark, but felt relieved that Taranae had finally calmed. If this was the way the Blade reacted when hurt, she felt sorry for anyone she had to face in the future. Dripping wet and battle weary, The Rollmaster of Clan Plagueis stalked back to the shadows and her ship. It would be some time before she challenged the Aedile again, but not before she had a chance to find out exactly what was wrong with her and why she had suddenly begun to act this way.

Darth Renatus, 31 January, 2016 5:00 PM UTC

Syntax

Minutes later, there was movement as Taranae stirred. Kelly, with her lightsaber in hand, knelt and whispered; “How are you? Are you hurt?”

This isn't the proper use of a semicolon, which is meant to go between two closely related independent clauses. This should have been a comma or phrased differently to be made its own sentence.

“You can have this one, Overseer.” she said.

Should be a comma, not a period, in the dialogue.

Dripping wet and battle weary, The Rollmaster of Clan Plagueis stalked back to the shadows and her ship.

No need to have a capital on "The".

Taranae grew frustrated, she hadn’t managed to beat Kelly yet and it was beginning to get to her. Doubt was creeping into the angry Aedile’s mind. She should have won comprehensively by now but somehow the Overseer had managed to survive. Taranae couldn’t focus on that for too long otherwise she would end up losing the confrontation between the pair and be quite humiliated. Taranae continued to retreat as the Mystic advanced quickly in her direction and with confidence, sensing her opponent wouldn’t be able to last as long as she would. This is likely because she spent hours focusing on her physical durability and longevity in combat. Her lightsaber probing Tara’s defence, from a swift slash down at her knees to a strike attempting to remove her weapon from her hand, for any weakness yet was matched by the defensive blade work of her opponent.

Kelly was in control, Taranae on the back foot as their lightsabers blurred as they swung through the air and hissed like Trandoshans when the lightsaber blades clashed. Taranae had her lightsaber held vertically as to take advantage of the dual-bladed nature of her saberstaff. The Overseer slowly pulled back her right hand and felt the power surge to her right hand before unleashing the mass of energy in Taranae’s direction which sent her soaring through the air and landing in the middle of the platform.The strength of the attack shocked both combatants.

Taranae lay on her back in a situation she knew could benefit her, she reached for her holsters and squeezed off a volley of shots from her dual DL-44 blaster pistols, most going harmlessly off target while the shots that were accurate were deflected into the ground by Kelly’s lightsaber. Taranae took the opportunity presented to disappear and call her saberstaff back to her hand, having fallen when she was pushed away. Unable to be seen by Kelly the Aedile slowly moved around the Rollmaster, being careful to make sure that she her location would not be given away. However much to her chagrin, a floating saberstaff and rain not hitting the floor revealed her presence to her foe. Seizing the moment Tara went in for a death blow, her anger at its peak she rushed her opponent and swung her saberstaff violently towards the face of the Mystic.

Kelly managed to back away and dodge the blades of the weapon, it was clear in a straight up brawl the contest would devolve into a war of attrition, something neither participant wanted because of the heavy physical strain this would put on their respective bodies. Kelly would have an advantage the longer the battle went but if she could time things correctly she could end this in much less time. She set off jogging around the platform, her feet pounding the platform like a shock boxer's fist on the training dummy, but there was a method in the seemingly insane actions of the younger of the two competitors. If she could either get her older opponent to either attempt to cut her off or lose track of her she would be open to be disarmed with one fluid movement. Taranae saw the bizarre actions of the Overseer and thought she had lost her mind, which brought both delight and shock to the mind of the Blade. It was however difficult for her to keep track of her opponent. Taranae turned to where she thought Kelly was only to receive a blow to her lower back from the hilt of Kelly’s lightsaber. “I didn’t want it to go this far Rhode but you forced my hand and put up a very tough fight. There were moments when I thought I couldn’t win, but please do not make me kill you. You are a valuable asset to the clan and I’d hate for you to force me into ending your life and explaining why you won’t be coming back to the Dread Lord, his Wrath, your Quaestor and most importantly your sister.” Kelly shouted to make sure her voice was heard as she held her weapon up against the throat of her opponent. The lightning struck one more time, as if to signal the end of the contest just as Taranae had lowered her head onto the platform, offering resistance no more.

Darth Renatus, 31 January, 2016 5:08 PM UTC

Syntax

Taranae lay on her back in a situation she knew could benefit her, she reached for her holsters and squeezed off a volley of shots from her dual DL-44 blaster pistols, most going harmlessly off target while the shots that were accurate were deflected into the ground by Kelly’s lightsaber.

This should have been broken into multiple sentences, as the flow changes entirely after the first comma.

being careful to make sure that she her location would not be given away.

"she her" was probably missed during proofing.

Realism

Taranae took the opportunity presented to disappear and call her saberstaff back to her hand, having fallen when she was pushed away. Unable to be seen by Kelly the Aedile slowly moved around the Rollmaster, being careful to make sure that she her location would not be given away. However much to her chagrin, a floating saberstaff and rain not hitting the floor revealed her presence to her foe

This isn't a proper portrayal of Force Cloak. At +1, Taranae has to devote her entire concentration to the power and, as per the Force Power wiki: the process moves slowly from the feet upward over the course of about half a minute.

This isn't reflected in your writing. Additionally, only Shadows have the feat to move while using Force Cloak. Everyone else must remain immobile.