Knight Kul'tak Drol vs. Knight Areticus Altainatus

Knight Kul'tak Drol

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Knight Areticus Altainatus

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

Kul’tak: Overall, I think you have a very good handle on writing, but pay careful attention to the Force powers. There are a lot of them, and a lot of things to keep in mind on all of them. You write the actual experience of using the Force very well, so I hate to keep dinging you for things like duration.

Areticus: You write the characters’ personalities well, and you’re at your best when you have their combat technique and decisions flow from that. You have some syntax issues but nothing that a good proofreader couldn’t clean up for you.

Ultimately, this match ended up tied by score, so it fell to me to choose a winner. There were a few minor differences here, but one stood out as much more important to me. Both competitors were dinged for Realism. Areticus’ issues benefited his character alone, while Kul’tak’s benefitted both characters at different points. Additionally, Kul’tak’s Syntax was slightly better.

The winner is: Kul'tak Drol!

Good match, gentlemen! I look forward to seeing more from each of you.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1 Day
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Kul'tak Drol, Knight Areticus Altainatus
Winner Knight Kul'tak Drol
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Lightsabers Only
Knight Kul'tak Drol's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Areticus Altainatus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 12 February, 2016 5:43 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Creon Neverse Kul'tak Drol
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Several minor errors. See comments. Rationale: A few minor errors. See comments.
Story - 40%
Creon Neverse Kul'tak Drol
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your first post set up a fairly interesting premise, and I think this match had a lot of potential. In comparison, your finale seemed to be much less thought-out. Overall it was a decent match, but not extraordinary. Rationale: You followed through on Areticus’ set-up well enough. This was a good match, but not exceptional.
Realism - 25%
Creon Neverse Kul'tak Drol
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: One of the major concerns of this match-up is that Kul’tak can and will physically overpower Areticus in a head-on fight unless Areticus outsmarts him. In the first post, you played with this to develop an interesting post. In your second post, however, you seem to just ignore Kul’tak’s skills and have Areticus win because Suppression. Rationale: You have a good handle on the raw capabilities of Force powers, but you need to keep in mind that the duration and after-effects are equally important considerations. Areticus gets away with too much in your first post, and Kul’tak does in your second.
Continuity - 20%
Creon Neverse Kul'tak Drol
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: I’m dinging you slightly here. Kul’tak pretty clearly draws on Rage in the middle post, which should leave him drained going into the finale. Playing with this would have have helped your Realism score a bit. Rationale: You used Rage in your first post, or at least you wrote a beautiful description of it. Yet Kul’tak isn’t suffering the withdrawal effect going into the finale.
Creon Neverse's Score: 3.35 Kul'tak Drol's Score: 3.35
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

“Are you done running? There’s nowhere left to go Areticus,” loomed the deep voice from under a cowl. Areticus turned to the figure from the edge of the rooftop building, keeping the holocron behind his back. The apprentice to House Ajunta Pall’s Aedile had been hunting him down ever since he got his hands on it from the forbidden archives of Lyspair. Hopefully the distress call to Felix Fulmen’s freighter, The Rivergleam, was received. He knew he could count on Felix to meet at the rendezvous and get them out of Kul’tak’s reach once and for all. But first, he needed to get out of this corner the hunter put him in.

“A wager?” Areticus requested.

“No,” was his reply.

“Hear me out,” he pleaded while setting the holocron down on the ledge and walking toward the hooded Iridonian. “There is nowhere I can run, and without my lightsaber you have me at a disadvantage,” he said opening his arms in an exposing gesture. The noble from Naboo could see the gleaming eyes of his opponent search for any indication of the lie. Areticus then made a small bow with an elegant wave of his arm before turning slightly sideways with his feet shoulder width apart. Kul’tak’s reaction at first was with a raised brow, but Areticus knew that his next words with just the right application of the Force would turn the tables for him, “Come now, consider yourself the victor of the hunt and face me as an honorable man should.”

The Zabrak chuckled, “Alright human,” and took his lightsaber and tossed it aside. He too took a sideways stance and mirrored Areticus further when they both raised their fists in a boxing stance. Kul’tak decided to take the first move. Although he was much larger than his opponent, he tried to get as close as he could. Areticus shot a straight punch with a twist of his hips to accelerate his momentum. However the punch was only met with air when Kul’tak ducked below. His tattooed arm lashed out in a feint strike along with an immediate groin kick with his leg. With a further shift to the side, Areticus avoided the dirty attempt and took a hopping step backwards.

“The nerve!” he said with frustration at his opponent.

“I don’t like to lose bets,” The Zabrak replied.

“Where is the famous honor of your kin? My bantha fodder of an apprentice had better manners.”

Lo-Kain, Kul’tak remembered. He too was Iridonian. “Do not speak of my people as fodder. The bounty never said I had to bring you back alive.”

“You’re right, I suppose they don’t quite live up to the comparison. The markings you put on your faces always makes me think of such, though.”

It was then Areticus saw the anger begin to form in the shadow’s orange eyes. The seeker retreated away further until he got back to the ledge and snatched the holocron to stop his stalker from advancing any further.

“This is your last chance, Areticus,” the Zabrak said with a clenched fist while keeping his eyes on the holocron. “Hand it over and come quietly, you have nowhere left to go.”

Areticus sighed, “Did you know that Nar Shaddaa had a diameter of approximately five thousand kilometers? Unless it possesses a density greater than lead, I hypothesize the gravity being at a comparatively less magnitude than that of my home world. Though I could be wrong. What do you think?”

It made Areticus smile to see his opponent’s eyes widen at realizing what he was about to do. “Ta ta!” he said before taking a step off the building.

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 20 February, 2016 3:44 PM UTC

There are some Syntax issues here:

There’s nowhere left to go[,] Areticus,”

Add a comma before a direct address like this.

Hopefully the distress call to Felix Fulmen’s freighter, The Rivergleam, was received.

Italicize the name of the ship.

“I don’t like to lose bets,” [t]he Zabrak replied.

in the [S]hadow’s orange eyes. The [S]eeker retreated away further

Capitalize the names of Disciplines.

Realism:

Areticus knew that his next words with just the right application of the Force would turn the tables for him

Don’t forget that Mind Trick requires a hand gesture as a focus. Areticus probably doesn’t even need it, though, since he has a higher Manipulation than Kul’tak’s Resolve and to the appeal to machismo is a good rhetorical choice here.

“Did you know that Nar Shaddaa had a diameter of approximately five thousand kilometers? Unless it possesses a density greater than lead, I hypothesize the gravity being at a comparatively less magnitude than that of my home world. Though I could be wrong. What do you think?”

I like the characterization here, and I think it plays off of several of Areticus’ Aspects.

The Zabrak watched as his prey tumbled in a free-fall towards the ground. He was indeed surprised at the maneuver, but he could respect the courage it took to jump. Still, it would not sway him from his task.

Areticus shifted himself in midair to allow himself a safe landing on his feet. He prepared himself to utilize the Force to slow his descent and land upon one of the many stitch-like streets weaving the city together. The timing would have to be just right or he’d risk landing too hard. He swiveled his head, checking to see if the Shadow was following. True to his profession, Kul’tak could be seen just above, his midnight colored cloak billowing in the crisp wind.

Kul felt the rush of air as his body cut through it. His hearts were pounding from the excitement and adrenaline that coursed through his veins. This made the hunt all the better.

Speeders flew by dangerously close, the occasional sentient blaring their horns in consternation at such a reckless pair. A closer street suddenly welled up in front of them, and Areticus slipped the holocron in his vest in a vain attempt to cushion it from the inevitable impact. Above him, Kul’tak had been waiting for the moment to strike. It needed to be precise or it wouldn’t have the desired effect. Concentrating on the area around Areticus, the Zabrak closed his eyes and denied himself the light. He seeped himself in utter darkness and allowed it to spread before him, encompassing the immediate area around the human as well. Kul's trained eyes watched as the roiling shadows engulfed his prey, and he disappeared within. Kul would have started had he not been concentrating on keeping a steady position in midair. He should still be able to see Areticus!

He released his grasp on the darkness, letting it wash away like soot before a heavy wave. The human was gone. But how? Kul thought hard, mistakenly taking his eyes off his surroundings for a brief pause. He never saw the speeder until it crashed into him, accelerating his body in its travel direction. He slid across its top, scrambling for a handhold, as the driver appealed to him in high pitch squeals to remove himself from their vessel. He glanced upwards at the tower he’d leapt from, and watched as a tiny figure waved before turning to board a familiar-looking vessel. The Rivergleam herself.

So it was illusions then, was it? Upon the realization he’d been had, Kul felt his blood begin to boil. His eyes grew glassy and a red haze covered all he could see as pure hatred at his enemy threatened to erupt from his very pores. Only one thing mattered now, the human must die.

The poor driver’s eyes grew wide in terror as the Zabrak suddenly roared and smashed a fist through her cockpit, ripping her from her seat. She was held fast in his vice grip and pleaded for her life, but nothing could penetrate the raw Dark side energy blinding him. He tossed her aside and she fell, a ragdoll spinning uncontrollably until her body was broken against the side of a durasteel bridge connecting two towers. Kul tore his way into the cockpit and spun the ship around. He scanned for Areticus' Force-presence, barely detecting it at their current range. He pointed the nose at the YT-1930, which was passing over the adjacent flightlane, and hit the boosters.

Aboard the Rivergleam, Areticus patted his friend’s shoulder while lightly tossing the holocron in his hand.

“A timely arrival, my friend. These archives will make an excellent addition to my collection. I have you to thank for that. I’m sure the Iridonian is enjoying his surprise even now, though I imagine he’s feeling a bit triturated.” The slow beast never saw it coming. “Make our way out of system as soon as possible. We do not want to be around when his master comes looking for venge--” The ship shook violently, throwing Areticus to the floor and the holocron rolling as the rear of the ship burst open in an explosion. The YT and the speeder piloted by Kultak went spinning uncontrollably in a rapid descent. They fell in plumes of black smoke before crashing into one of the many streets below.

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 20 February, 2016 3:45 PM UTC

Syntax:

True to his profession, Kul’tak could be seen just above, his midnight colored cloak billowing in the crisp wind.

Kul felt the rush of air as his body cut through it. His hearts were pounding from the excitement and adrenaline that coursed through his veins. This made the hunt all the better.

I think you need to make it a bit more clear that Kul’tak leapt after Areticus. However, I really like the vivid description in that second paragraph.

He seeped himself in utter darkness

I think you meant ‘steeped’ here.

raw Dark [S]ide energy

I imagine he’s feeling a bit triturated

Areticus strikes me as the type of character that would get a perverse sort of glee from making people run to the dictionary, so I do think that this is good characterization. However, your bigger concern is making your post fun to read, and using an obscure synonym for pulverized - metaphorically, no less - is going to break your reader's flow. This is more of a comment than a ding.

Realism:

He prepared himself to utilize the Force to slow his descent

How? The only way I can think of for Areticus to do this is with Telekinesis, and +1 isn’t going to cut it.

So it was illusions then, was it?

I think the illusion itself is fine and a nice touch, but I’m sure how Areticus managed to transition to it. Using Force Cloak simultaneously with Illusion is a bit of a stretch for him.

Hazing blur, ear ringing, and instant soreness. Nothing is broken, thankfully. Deep breaths, Areticus. Allow the Force to dull the toll. He rose to his feet and tried to look over into the cockpit. It was hard to make out, but he could see Felix unconscious in the pilot seat. He felt for his lightsaber he kept at his back between the buttoned shirt and vest. It was still there. He unclipped it from it’s concealed strap and made his way towards the hole of the ship. He slightly stumbled from the angle the ship had landed, but kept his concentration on suppressing the shock and trying to get a clear focus. When he reached the hole of the ship, he couldn’t find any trace of- Wait. Areticus suddenly flicked his wrist up and ignited his blade. The grip near the end of the hilt felt hot, and flashing lights were in his peripheral.

Kul’tak halted his lightning at sight of the red blade. The mere outcome of that situation confused him. He kept his lightsaber, which wasn’t much of a surprise anymore. However he bided his time both hiding himself from the naked eye and detection in the force. It was only after he sent out his lightning did they wear off, and Areticus’ blade ignited shortly before he sent the lightning.

“How did you know?” Kul’tak couldn’t help but ask.

“You’re subtle, but I excel at finding secrets. You won’t be able to prowl your way with me,” Areticus replied taking up an en garde stance.

His prey could sense his motion and movement and be able defend himself before he could attack, he was also more armed. The street was empty, but it wouldn’t be for long. A crash from a freighter will bring the police soon. Kul’tak needed to act fast. It was risky, but if he could throw Areticus off with enough physical enhancement to speed and use his strength to overwhelm him and disarm him, he would have victory.

For a moment there was silence between the two as their stances were locked and their eyes connected. The Zabrak lifted his heels and began running at an acceleration greater than normal. Shortly after however, that acceleration turned into deceleration as he felt the Force bind and pull against him as he ran.

“You didn’t think I’d let you try anything else, did I?” Areticus said while walking forward and regaining his sophisticated posture. “I’ll admit, it was difficult to restrain your martial enhancement through the Force. But you would not be the first Iridonian I am able to control.” He could see his fellow Knight’s eyes searching for anything else he could do, but Areticus let the tip of his blade go near his chin. In response he saw the horned man raised his head. Perfect.

“Anything else you would like to try?” Areticus asked.

“No” Kul’tak said, keeping his head ducked under the cloak.

“Remember something for me if you happen to have consciousness after death,” Areticus said locking his eyes with Kul’tak. “Evolutionary selection never favors the primitive.”

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 20 February, 2016 3:56 PM UTC

Syntax:

Deep breaths, Areticus. Allow the Force to dull the toll.

Thoughts like these should be in italics.

Kul’tak halted his lightning at sight of the red blade. The mere outcome of that situation confused him. He kept his lightsaber, which wasn’t much of a surprise anymore. However he bided his time both hiding himself from the naked eye and detection in the force. It was only after he sent out his lightning did they wear off, and Areticus’ blade ignited shortly before he sent the lightning.

I found this passage really difficult to follow. I think I’ve got the basic point that Kul’tak is hoping to attack from stealth but Areticus catches him, but the particulars are very unclear.

[Kul’tak knew that h]is prey could sense his motion and movement and [was] able defend himself before he could attack[;] he was also [better] armed.

“No[,]” Kul’tak said

Story:

“Remember something for me if you happen to have consciousness after death,” Areticus said[,] locking his eyes with Kul’tak. “Evolutionary selection never favors the primitive.”

Again, good characterization.

Realism:

It was risky, but if he could throw Areticus off with enough physical enhancement to speed and use his strength to overwhelm him and disarm him, he would have victory.

He could see his fellow Knight’s eyes searching for anything else he could do, but Areticus let the tip of his blade go near his chin.

They’re both equally skilled with a lightsaber, but you seem to treat it as a foregone conclusion that Kul’tak needs some sort of advantage. The thing is, he’s already both stronger and faster than Areticus by a pretty significant margin. Continuity-wise, Kul’tak should be worn down from the Rage in the previous post, but you didn’t mention that; it just seems like he has to kick in Amplification to win, and when that fails Kul’tak justs gives up and lets Areticus kill him.

Sparks lit up the inside of the Rivergleam in bursts of power. Flickering controls struggled to regain their purpose as smashed consoles lost power one by one. Outside a small crowd had begun to gather around the wreckage, wondering if they should call for help or keep walking.

Areticus slowly picked himself up, grasping a protruding bar along the inside wall of the ship. He blinked away the blur of head trauma and glanced around the cockpit. Fortunately he’d managed to plant himself in a safety harness before the impact on the ground, though the harness had been torn from its respective lock. A view of the pilot’s chair cleared up any questions of Felix’s whereabouts; head laying on the broken console in front of him, a small trickle of blood coursed down his unconscious face. He would have approached him to assess his complete medical status, but a loud squeal began as metal was pulled unnaturally.

The Zabrak flexed his Force-strengthened muscles, bending and pulling the very hull in a meter wide area. Upon spotting Areticus he grinned hungrily and forced his way into the rear of the ship. His cloak lay mostly in tatters, and what was left littered his armor in flaming bits. His anger prevented him from noticing, or he just did not care. Those deep, orange eyes stayed locked on the human before him as he strode closer.

“It seems we’ve come full circle, human. Once again you have nowhere to run and I hold the advantage. I would have accepted the return of the holocron, but now you’ve earned a violent death.” He rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck. “I will enjoy breaking you.”

Areticus shifted his eyes, unaware of where the holocron even was. It would require a bit of thinking to get out of this one alive. Especially with his friend seated behind him. Perhaps he could--

Kul’tak rushed forward, slower than he might have due to his own injuries from crashing, but quick enough all the same. Areticus barely shifted his feet in time to switch his stance, his right hand hugging his waist. Swift punches rained down as the Zabrak attempted to barrage him with pure power, but Areticus managed to deflect enough blows to dissuade the front on approach. Kul switched to a distractive style, using feints to force his opponent to make a mistake. Hands weaved in tandem, red hands striking with accurate speed while human hands gracefully swung to defend. Areticus managed to pin one of Kul’s arms in a standing grapple tried to stop the other as it forced its way down towards his neck. They tensed as their muscles compared their strength. The human knew which of them would win a test of endurance, however.

“Remember when I mentioned I was not equipped with my lightsaber?” Kul’s eyes darted south as he saw Areticus’ overcoat open to reveal a shining cylinder within. “Well, I lied.”

The human grinned as he released his opponent’s arm without warning and ducked beneath the blow as it crashed against the durasteel wall. Deftly throwing his coat all the way aside, he reached up with his saber in hand, only to realize the Zabrak was lifting him into the air with the arm he was still grappling. He found himself slamming into the wall as well. The air expelled from his lungs and he felt his free hand hanging limply. Kul stood with the saber in his own now, having torn it from Areticus. He lit up the blade, waving it in front of his prey. The hue on Areticus’ face almost made him seem Iridonian, but Kul found that laughable. Intellect would only get you so far in a battle of strength. Kul slid the blade into the human’s chest slowly, taking in the sight of the defeat flashing over his face as his life force slipped away.

“I guess even a brilliant mind cannot foresee every possibility.” He dropped the lifeless body and stepped outside the vessel. He noticed his cloak and dusted away some of the soot still clinging to his armor. As his cone of vision went down he spotted a sparkling object that was reflecting one of the street lights. He approached it and realized it was the holocron itself. Scoffing, he picked the artifact up and stuck it in his cloak’s pocket. The crowd that had gathered moved aside as he made his way down the street. He needed to find a ride.

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 20 February, 2016 4:29 PM UTC

Realism:

The Zabrak flexed his Force-strengthened muscles, bending and pulling the very hull in a meter wide area.

So if this is Rage, you're stretching the duration beyond what it should be and/or reactivating it too soon after the last post. If it's Amplification, you're stretching the power - especially since he's off-setting injuries and fatigue from the earlier use of Rage.

Kul switched to a distractive style, using feints to force his opponent to make a mistake.

Again, if this is Rage, it’s a little too cunning.

Aside from the Force powers, I think this was ending was really well done.