Mystic Darkblade vs. Hunter Mactire

Mystic Darkblade

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Anzati, Force Disciple, Seeker, Krath
vs.

Hunter Mactire Chemel

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Sentinel
Comment

Overall Comments

Given the scores, Darkblade is the clear winner based on factors largely surrounding syntax and story. Mactire, I would very much recommend having your posts proof-read. I would also recommend familiarising yourself with the ACC rules once again as a refresher exercise.

Congratulations, Darkblade!

Wuntila Arconae, ACC Judge

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Darkblade, Hunter Mactire
Winner Mystic Darkblade
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Darkblade's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Mactire's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Private Office
Last Post 25 February, 2016 12:23 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Kristeva
Score: 4 Score: 0
Rationale: A few errors noticeable, but mostly sufficient for the posts. Well done! Rationale: Mactire's posts demonstrated consistently wrong tenses, had a number of errors and proved extremely difficult to follow. This was consistent across both posts and very much detracts from the overall reading experience. I would very much look to have posts proof-read in the future to avoid such mistakes.
Story - 40%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Kristeva
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Storytelling was very reminiscent of a standard ACC Match. There was some depth, but nothing that really expanded out into the realms of a true 'Funderdome' match. Rationale: Storytelling was reminiscent of a standard ACC match. The reason for the 2 is because of the convenient plot twist at the very end, which served to detract from the writing of the post.
Realism - 25%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Kristeva
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: One or two realism errors, but nothing glaring. Well done. Rationale: One or two realism errors, but nothing glaring. Well done.
Continuity - 20%
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade Kristeva
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A couple of continuity errors which detracted from the story, but overall nothing significant. Rationale: A couple of continuity errors which detracted from the story, but overall nothing significant.
Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade's Score: 3.6 Kristeva's Score: 2.6
Posts

You stand at the very top of the Shadow Academy—the great pyramid of Lyspair—in the offices of the Headmaster. A fire crackles merrily in the chamber, background noise for the battle yet to come. Two comfortable couches sit in the center of the long, ovoid room. Your eyes land on the desk opposite the fireplace, filled with datapads and forms. The yellowish glows of the flames illuminate the shelves of artifacts and holo-books surrounding the upper tier of the room. This was a private study, the place where the Headmaster of the Shadow Academy met his subordinates to discuss important matters.

Your eyes track beyond the desk, to an unassuming door which will lead directly to the Headmaster's living quarters. A side door to your immediate right leads to the more public office. The opposite door, standing on the left, leads to a private sparring room. You hear the soft rush of metal and cloth as your opponent pulls their weapon. Despite the sanctity of the Headmaster's chambers, the fight is inevitable. It was meant to be. As your hand drops down to your own weapon, you shift into a combat stance and prepare to draw.

Mactire jumped as the vibrant amethyst blade came crashing down at him. Spinning around quickly the Human, grabbed for his lightsaber on the right side of his belt. Another attack came as the aggressor moved with lighting speed in a thrust movement, aiming directly for Mactire’s head. As quickly as a snakes head, Mactire twisted to the side getting his left arm singed badly by the amethyst blade. Holding his fighting arm slightly the human winces in pain, trying to block it all out, and regain focus on the task at hand but cannot for the pain is excruciating. While the unknown assailant is turning back towards its prey, a faint low laugh can be heard.

“Well, well, well. I didn’t think you’d last this long. I’m surprised to be quite honest. But then again you do have a great Master teaching you.” The voice says in an aged gravely rasp.

Mactire only lightly grunts in acknowledgement, still trying to focus on calming down and not giving into his rage or even worse succumbing to the pain that has just been inflicted upon him.

“You still don’t know who I am do you? Well Hunter Mactire, you soon will. I’ve been looking forward to this challenge since you’ve risen in our ranks.” The voice mutters slowly walking towards its prey. Fixated on Mactire like a starving Rancor.

“Who….. Who are you?” Mactire says allowing the pain to be heard from his voice. Watching this creature move with grace like that of the mysterious Angels of the night skys.

“Oh me I am Mystic Darkblade. How could you forget me so soon?” The Anzat snickers lowering his hood so that his brown eyes lock with the Humans blueish-gold ones.

“Ah forgive me Sir, but I’ve never had the pleasure to actually meet you in person. Forgive me for losing all focus while training.” Mactire mutters slowly regaining his inner focus, lightly grasping his lightsaber in his left hand. The weight of the saber makes it difficult to hold with his injury.

“All will be forgiven soon young one. Now to arms let us continue this duel. I want to test you for myself.” Darkblade hisses and then charges forward again.

Mactire ignites his emerald blade, allowing the hiss and hum of it to awaken his spirit and pride. The Anzat twists his lightsaber in mid thrust forcing Mactire to leap back slightly along the wall.

The old man is fast. Mactire mutters to himself.

Looking for another route to a more open space than this confined hallway. As the amethyst blade comes towards the Human again, it is met with emerald blade and sparks fly as the blades finally meet for the first time. The power behind his attack makes the pain in Mactire’s arm throb throughout his entire body.

The Human rears back slightly allowing the Anzat’s blade to fall to the side and then kicks him in the chest full force. Within the kick a telekinetic push is placed through it sending the Mystic flying back a few feet. Mactire pants heavily, the struggle to do that took a lot out of him, along with trying to keep his mind on the battle.

“Well well, you do know some tricks. And here I thought you were all just a new hype for us to believe in. My turn.” Darkblade snarls, and sends a blast of lighting towards Mactire.

Mactire tries to roll out of the way by gets hit by the blast. Screaming in pain the Human’s lightsaber turns off as he drops to the ground and curls up into a ball convulsing.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 5 March, 2016 10:34 PM UTC

Mactire jumped as the vibrant amethyst blade came crashing down at him.

Continuity and Story - This doesn't seem to flow from the opening introduction post. The opening post states:

The opposite door, standing on the left, leads to a private sparring room. You hear the soft rush of metal and cloth as your opponent pulls their weapon.

... and yet you're launching straight into combat. I am aware that this indicates a quick transition into battle, but there is no attempt here to develop the story or give any background to the match which would add both breadth and depth to your post.


Spinning around quickly the Human, grabbed for his lightsaber on the right side of his belt.

Syntax - Spliced sentence (comma).


Realism - Your entire first paragraph seems to focus on Darkblade's unrelenting, wild, and brutal attack on Mactire, however, Darkblade's primary lightsaber form is that of Makashi - the Duellist's Form. Makashi focuses on more short, precision strikes. The descriptions in this opening paragraph does not therefore correspond with Darkblade's form. This is a minor error, but certainly worth noting.


Holding his fighting arm slightly the human winces in pain, trying to block it all out, and regain focus on the task at hand but cannot for the pain is excruciating. While the unknown assailant is turning back towards its prey, a faint low laugh can be heard.

Syntax - Whilst the introductory post is in the present tense, all ACC matches are to be written in the past tense.


[..] human winces in pain [...]

Syntax - You capitalised Human earlier in the first paragraph. Try and remain consistent with your choice of syntax.


[...] brown eyes lock with the Humans blueish-gold ones.

Realism - Good adherence to character sheets. Well done!


Within the kick a telekinetic push is placed through it sending the Mystic flying back a few feet.

Syntax - Always remember, refer to the ACC guide when writing a post. And follow the Show, Don't Tell good practice.


The old man is fast. Mactire mutters to himself.

Syntax - You should italicise internalised thoughts. This can be done by surrounding the thought with asterisks or underscores, as per the following example: *The old man is fast*, Mactire thought to himself.


Looking for another route to a more open space than this confined hallway.

Syntax - Incomplete sentence.


As the amethyst blade comes towards the Human again, it is met with emerald blade and sparks fly as the blades finally meet for the first time.

Realism - Lightsabers do not produce sparks, only light flashes.


“Well well, you do know some tricks. And here I thought you were all just a new hype for us to believe in. My turn.” Darkblade snarls, and sends a blast of lighting towards Mactire.

Realism - Darkblade has a Force Lightning level of +2, which means he would need to call up some bad memories or experiences to fuel the lightning. This is not explored and the effort required is not satisfactorily described in the above quotation from the post.


Screaming in pain the Human’s lightsaber turns off as he drops to the ground and curls up into a ball convulsing.

Syntax and Realism - There should be a comma between 'Screaming in pain' and 'the human's lightsaber...'. Additionally, lightsaber would not 'turn off' as such. Lightsabers usually 'disengage' or are 'extinguished'.


Overall

This post demonstrates repeated errors throughout, using the wrong tense and does not flow particularly well. This has some significant detractors which inhibit the reader's ability to follow the story to the extent that multiple re-reads are required.

Always ensure all ACC posts are third-person, past tense. This is fundamental.

Darkblade stood over the convulsing form of the Human laying on the ground. “Pathetic.” the Anzat said as he spat on the Hunter. “GET UP.” the Quaestor shouted as he rolled Mactire over on his back with the toe of his boot. “If you are to remain a proud warrior and leader of Sapphire Squadron, you have got to show me more.” the Dark Jedi hissed.

Groaning slightly, Mactire focused on his breathing, allowing the Force to flow through him and dull his aching body. Getting up on his feet the proud Hunter stared defiantly into the eyes of his Quaestor, a hint of shame could be seen in the blueish-gold eyes of the Human. Summoning his lightsaber back to his right uninjured arm, the Gray Jedi ignited his weapon and regretted that he had not taken his DL-44 Blaster with him. He felt somewhat naked, the comforting weight of the weapon that usually rested in a holster on his back was sorely missed.

Squaring his shoulders and spreading his feet out to brace for the inevitable charge, Mactire beckoned for the Anzat to continue their duel. A thin smile spread across the lips of Darkblade as he jumped forward and attempted to bring down a powerful downward stroke. Whilst the Dark Jedi was in mid jump the Gray Jedi reacted quickly, shoving out his injured left arm, biting through the pain and aimed towards his opponent. A weak but still forceful blast erupted from the Human’s arm and he watched as it struck the Seeker in the lower body section. An almost comical scene followed.

The telekinetic blast had struck Darkblade near his feet, which caused his upper body full of momentum to continue its motion forward. However with his lower body having seemingly run into an invisible wall, his body swung face first into the ground. Eyes wide from surprise and realizing what was happening, Darkblade flailed about with his hands to try to break his fall, almost cutting his own body to bits as his lightsaber swung around uncontrollably. A shriek of pain erupted from the Seeker as a sickening crack echoed across the room when the Anzat’s face kissed the hard cold ground. The purple lightsaber scattered across the ground away from the combatants, having extinguished itself just before its owner hit the floor.

“Looks like the roles are reversed now.” Mactire quipped in a smug and confident tone. Exhaustion beginning to settle as the Hunter had had to dig deep into his reserves to pull off this stunt so shortly after his telekinetic kick and being fried with lightning. Noticing his body crying for even a moment's relief he began to feel the ache in his muscles and body. The Hunter realized he had little time left to take advantage of this situation before his Quaestor recovered.

The figure before him lay groaning, his voice muffled as he raised his head to look up at the Human. It was obvious to the Defender that the Anzat’s nose was broken, blood streaming down his face and pooling on the ground under him.

Using the only parts of his body that still seemed to have some strength left in them, Mactire walked over to the Seeker, and issued a swift kick aimed at the soft and unprotected stomach of Darkblade. Air wheezed out of the Quaestor’s lungs as it was forcefully expelled from his body when the boot connected with his gut. Gasping for air with a mouth full of blood proved to be hard, and the Dark Jedi began to cough and sputter weakly as blood entered his lungs. In a final desperate and amazing feat of strength and willpower, the Anzat focused through the pain, and summoned a pitch-black cloud that engulfed both combatants.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 5 March, 2016 10:57 PM UTC

Summoning his lightsaber back to his right uninjured arm, the Gray Jedi ignited his weapon and regretted that he had not taken his DL-44 Blaster with him. He felt somewhat naked, the comforting weight of the weapon that usually rested in a holster on his back was sorely missed.

Continuity - Mactire DOES have his DL-44, given the match settings and his standard weapon loadout. This is a minor continuity error, but it does change the direction the battle could have taken.


A shriek of pain erupted from the Seeker as a sickening crack echoed across the room when the Anzat’s face kissed the hard cold ground. The purple lightsaber scattered across the ground away from the combatants, having extinguished itself just before its owner hit the floor.

Story - This section (this paragraph, in fact) is very good. It demonstrates an understanding of the fallibility of one's character. It also relates well to the Funderdome setting. Well done!


“Looks like the roles are reversed now.” Mactire quipped in a smug and confident tone. Exhaustion beginning to settle as the Hunter had had to dig deep into his reserves to pull off this stunt so shortly after his telekinetic kick and being fried with lightning.

Syntax - Remember to Show, Don't Tell. This isn't necessarily a particularly bad example, but it could've been deployed a little more subtly.


Air wheezed out of the Quaestor’s lungs as it was forcefully expelled from his body when the boot connected with his gut. Gasping for air with a mouth full of blood proved to be hard, and the Dark Jedi began to cough and sputter weakly as blood entered his lungs. In a final desperate and amazing feat of strength and willpower, the Anzat focused through the pain, and summoned a pitch-black cloud that engulfed both combatants.

Story and Realism - This is a very good end to a post. It's well written and demonstrates good knowledge of ACC mechanics and character sheet/Force power use. Good job!


Overall

Overall, I feel this was a marked improvement on the first post. It showed a good amount of skill and a solid working knowledge of ACC mechanics. What is more, it demonstrated a level of 'fun' which was in-keeping with the Funderdome setting. There were only a couple of negative points in this post, primarily the continuity error surrounding the DL-44, which was quite a blatant oversight. Nevertheless, this was a reasonably good post. Well done.

Mactire shut his eyes and mouth and focused deeply. Through the pain the human could feel his life being pulled out of him slowly as his lungs began to burn. Turning off the emerald blade, Mactire mustered all the strength he could to summon what little Force was left within him. His muscles ached as a barrier slowly encased him, expelling this mysterious dark cloud away from his body.

The faint light from the barrier pushing the dark cloud away, only makes the fear in Mactire spread more throughout his entire aching body. The Humans eyes glance around for the Anzat, but seeing just an empty space on where he once was.

“Siths blood. This old man can move when he wants to.” Mactire groans still keeping all his focus on the task at hand.

If the slightest moment of a loss of connection with the force occurred Mactire knew he would be in trouble and doubted in his current condition that he would be able to fight, let alone run. If the Quaestor got back up and attacked right now, this would be a huge problem. The fear kept creeping in the Humans mind, filling it slowly with doubt.

Darkblade’s eyes opened and he breathed slowly rising up in the darkness. He glanced around proud of his current achievement, knowing full well that the young Hunter didn’t stand a chance against him. Grabbing his saber and allowing the hiss of the blade to crackle in the air made things much more enjoyable.

Mactire seeing his worst fear appearing right before his eyes, sends ripples throughout his body. His mind is slowly losing focus and his barrier is slowly starting to become unstable.

“Oh well now Hunter you’ve seemed to have overestimated me now. Why was that?” The Anzat taunts moving slowly towards Mactire.

Mactire’s barrier come crashing down as the human leaves focus. It is within this exact moment that Darkbalde leaps into the air and attacks with a renewed vigor. The emerald blade comes alive as the Human grabs it with his right hand and blocks the attack with all his might. The air becomes stale as the blades connect again crackling and sparking against one another.

Mactire drops down slightly, moving his lightsaber to the side allowing Darkblade to continue his momentum in his next attack. As the Anzat continues moving, Mactire times an uppercut just right and connects to its targets jaw. Groaning with all his anger, might and sore muscles, Mactire calls upon the Force one last time and throws Darkblade back against the wall.

Panting heavily the Human slowly makes his way towards the Quaestor. Every step he takes he feels his body becoming heavier and heavier. Upon reaching Darkblade he looks at him as their eyes meet again. He can see and slightly sense that the Quaestor has just about pushed is limit as well.

“Are we done here? At least for now Sir?” Mactire mutters slowly leaning against the wall, letting it guide him to the floor.

“Hehehe. Yes we are done, for now at least. Let us heal up and try again, there is more you still need to learn. Though for now, you did better than I expected.” Darkblade says with a sense of calm in his voice.

Keeping his eyes on the Anzat, Mactire notices subtle ripples in the Quaestors form before it disappears. A loud hiss echo’s throughout the hall, followed by a slam as Darkblade exits a room and walks towards Macite carrying a holopad.

Darkblade only nods at the Human as he passes.

Mactire looks at the Quaestor, slightly laughing at fighting an illusion.

“Fraq I should have seen this coming a mile away. Next time. There is awalys a next time.” Mactire mumbles slowly passing out allowing the essence of sleep to embrace him.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 5 March, 2016 11:10 PM UTC

Syntax - Again, I think it's a good point to note that all ACC posts should be written third-person, past tense.


Through the pain the human could feel his life being pulled out of him slowly as his lungs began to burn. Turning off the emerald blade, Mactire mustered all the strength he could to summon what little Force was left within him. His muscles ached as a barrier slowly encased him, expelling this mysterious dark cloud away from his body.

Realism - This is clearly the Force Power Blackness. It does not cause physical damage; it simply removes all light from the area, rendering the opponent blind. This is a minor error, but it is certainly one that could have been avoided.


Mactire’s barrier come crashing down as the human leaves focus. It is within this exact moment that Darkbalde leaps into the air and attacks with a renewed vigor.

Syntax - Show, Don't Tell. And there are a couple of typos in this post, aside from the obvious tense issues already discussed.


“Hehehe. Yes we are done, for now at least. Let us heal up and try again, there is more you still need to learn. Though for now, you did better than I expected.” Darkblade says with a sense of calm in his voice.

Realism - I'm not at all sure that a Dark Jedi would be inclined to 'hehehe'. This is completely inconsistent with Darkblade's character sheet.


Story - The idea of an 'illusion' is interesting, but it would've been much better deployed if you wove it into the body of the story at the start of your post (or, even better, at the start of the first post). Unfortunately, being deployed so late at the end, it seems a little too much like a convenient plot point. In that sense, it's not believable and, instead of adding to the story, actually serves to detract from it.


Syntax - Your last sentences demonstrates a couple of typos, such as 'Fraq' which should be 'Frak'.

Overall

Overall, this post is much like the first. The present tense very much detracts from the writing. There were multiple errors which would have been easily rectified with a proof-read.

One suggestion I have is to approach those within your clan (leaders or peers) and have those individuals proof your posts for you. This might help develop your ACC skills and give you a little more scope for writing.

With the darkness surrounding the combatants, an astonished Mactire waved around blindly trying to dissipate the cloud. As Darkblade began to lose concentration he knew he had to get away, and rolled from the area that the cloud had anchored itself to. The cloud was already starting to clear, causing the Anzat to grimace in frustration. His powers were dwindling, the beating he had just taken from a simple move by the Hunter angered the Dark Jedi.

Feeding off of this anger, not wanting to be bested by some brat Journeymen, the Quaestor stood up and began to turn the anger inside of him into something that could be used. It’s embrace seemed to caress his body, urging him onwards and whispering that he was better than the one standing before him. This temporarily seemed to shift his focus from the pain in his body to the task at hand. Feeling confident this would be over soon, the Seeker reclaimed his lightsaber through the Force. As it whirled through the air towards his hand, the cloud had all but vanished now.

Mactire stood tall and proud, the grin on his face was enough to anger the Anzat even more.

“Such a dirty trick to play when you are getting beat at your own game.” the Gray Jedi stated as he ignited his own lightsaber again.

The only response he got from the Dark Jedi was a snarl as he rushed forward to clash with the Battleteam Leader. The familiar sounds of lightsaber battle quickly filled the air, both figures trying desperately to gain an upper hand before exhaustion took its toll and gave the other the winning edge.

A downward slash from the Anzat was easily parried by the Hunter, and a counter attack swiftly followed which was also parried. Neither combatant seemed to want to relent, yet the attacks began to slow and there seemed no possible outcome other than exhaustion. Realizing this, the Dark Jedi took a step back and extinguished his lightsaber.

The Gray Jedi acknowledged the ending of the battle, extinguishing his red saber and bowing towards his Quaestor.

“You have fought well Mactire, I deem you worthy of your position to lead Sapphire Squadron. You are strong willed, and although still much to learn, you are very resourceful in battle. For that you have earned my respect.” the Anzat said slowly and deliberately. “Do not think this a sign of weakness, for if we are to fight again I will not stand down, nor shall I underestimate you again.”

With those final words, the Quaestor walked to the Gray Jedi and extended his hand. The Hunter shook the hand and as they both looked around to view the destruction they had caused, a smile crept across Mactire’s face.

“Guess we should get out of here before anyone notices the mess we caused.” the Gray Jedi said.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, I do not think I can endure the cleaning of this mess in my current state.” the Anzat replied.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 5 March, 2016 11:25 PM UTC

With the darkness surrounding the combatants, an astonished Mactire waved around blindly trying to dissipate the cloud. As Darkblade began to lose concentration he knew he had to get away, and rolled from the area that the cloud had anchored itself to. The cloud was already starting to clear, causing the Anzat to grimace in frustration. His powers were dwindling, the beating he had just taken from a simple move by the Hunter angered the Dark Jedi.

Continuity - Well done. Good continuity from your previous post.


It’s embrace seemed to caress his body, [...]

Syntax - Very minor stylistic error - It's with an apostrophe is a shortening of 'It is'; its the possessive does not require an apostrophe.


As it whirled through the air towards his hand, the cloud had all but vanished now.

Syntax - As you can see: unnecessary use of the word now.


A downward slash from the Anzat was easily parried by the Hunter, and a counter attack swiftly followed which was also parried. Neither combatant seemed to want to relent, yet the attacks began to slow and there seemed no possible outcome other than exhaustion.

Realism - Good adherence to the evenness between both character sheets in respect of Primary Lightsaber Form - well done!


[...] extinguishing his red saber and bowing towards his Quaestor.

Continuity - Clear continuity error: Mactire has an emerald green lightsaber, not red.


Overall

This post was a reasonable follow-on. It had all the marks of a 'standard' ACC match. There were a couple of errors surrounding syntax and continuity but nothing overly significant. Well done.