Knight Solas Night-Thorn vs. Knight Aiden Lee Deshra

Knight Solas Night-Thorn

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Tarentum
Male Epicanthix, Sith, Marauder, Imperial
vs.

Knight Aiden Lee

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
Comment

This was a good match to judge, and will provide a lot of useful feedback for continuing your improvement not only in story telling, but in your understanding of our system's mechanics. Being more clear in the writing, minimizing readers' assumptions, can help out anyone as a writer. This is something that should be constantly reached for in your work. You want to paint the complete picture for your readers, so they experience this story you've crafted for them as it is intended.

Beyond that, proof readers will benefit you both and minimize small errors in syntax, as well as potentially catching slip-ups in realism and continuity depending on the skill of the proofer.

Keep working at it, as you both show good potential as authors with interesting characters. The winner for this match is Knight Aiden Lee Deshra.

I look forward to the next story.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Solas Night-Thorn, Knight Aiden Lee Deshra
Winner Knight Aiden Lee Deshra
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Solas Night-Thorn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 7 April, 2016 9:03 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple errors that could benefit from proof readers. Rationale: Multiple errors that could benefit from proof readers.
Story - 40%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You told a complete engagement, however it was devoid of substance outside of "two people meet, two people fight, one dies". To get a stronger Story score, you can work to create a full 'living' story. What is the reason for the engagement? What has brought them here? Develop their personality beyond slashy-slashy. How does it end and what story continues on from here? Rationale: You told a complete conflict, and beyond that you instilled more history to the engagement by bringing in the significance of the location, and the Massassi themselves with your use of their stomping rhythm. Beyond that, you granted a sense that the story continues beyond the here and now.
Realism - 25%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Multiple realism issues hindered your posts. Look to the comments for more detailed explanations. Rationale: No errors that were apparent on review.
Continuity - 20%
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that were apparent on review. Rationale: No errors that were apparent on review.
Chronicler Arcadia “Caid” Skålson's Score: 3.4 Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.3
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

Solas cracked his neck from side to side. “So the Force has decided to pit me against a young opponent. Tell me child, how old are you?”

“I am nineteen. And I am no child.” The young gray jedi replied in a very matter-of-fact manner.

“Nineteen. I see, by that age I already had forty-one confirmed kills. How many lives have you taken?” The white haired man asked with a hollow voice.

“I have always made a point of not killing. I’m not an animal” The Sith sighed.

“That’s too bad. I had hoped you’d remember your death. Seeing as I lost the will to remember those I’ve killed, long ago. Oh well, maybe those watching will remember you.” Solas slid his right leg back slightly and lowered his center of gravity. Bringing his hands up close to his body he steeled himself.

“You’ll be able to remember me since we’ll both be leaving here alive.” The raven-haired jedi slowly drew his twin Beskad blades. A tense quiet fell over the area, the only sound that could be heard was the slow rhythmic stomping of the Massassi. Soon it became a battle of patience and resolve. Unfortunately the younger man’s age betrayed him as his patience broke first and he rushed his opponent with a swift twin bladed assault. His two singing blades continued to catch his opponent, however none of the hits he scored were major as each of his strikes were met with solid blocks that kept his blades away from the Sith’s body.

The pair continued to dance around their field of battle. And while the human continued to push his adversary back, he didn’t seem to be gaining any ground. Solas was having trouble finding a weak point in his movement. He remained balanced throughout his assault. But then he noticed that during his swirling attacks he would swing wide as he returned to his first stance. That would be when he’d strike. He began biding his time. Duck, duck, dodge, block, block, dod-! There! He saw his opening. As the sword swung up over his left shoulder he quickly turned his hips and drove his elbow into the young man’s stomach.

As Aiden staggered back trying to regain his balance his head whipped back as the Sith drove his knee up into Deshra’s jaw. The Jedi rolled with the attack and flipped back onto his feet. Leaping into the air he attempted to bring both blades down on the Sith. Only to suddenly see the upper portions of his blades go flying. Standing up he found himself staring down the crimson blade of a Sith’s lightsaber.

Darth Renatus, 18 April, 2016 12:51 AM UTC

Syntax

no child.” The young gray jedi replied

In a case of 'he said, she said' you should be breaking out of the quotes with a comma, not a period.

taken?” The white haired man

While using the question mark is proper here, it is still a connected sentence and you wouldn't capitalize 'The'.

“I have always made a point of not killing. I’m not an animal” The Sith sighed.

This reads as Aiden speaking, but "The Sith" would refer to Solas instead. This phrasing makes it unclear to the reader.

The raven-haired jedi slowly

Jedi is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

Story

His two singing blades continued to catch his opponent, however none of the hits he scored were major as each of his strikes were met with solid blocks that kept his blades away from the Sith’s body.

This is really awkward for the reader. You never specify igniting your lightsaber, but since it is the only weapon Solas brought to this match I have to make the assumption that is what he is using to perform the blocks (which would be a major realism issue) or using his metal bracers. This is still a realism issue, as is included in the Qualification exam. Armor is purely cosmetic in the current ACC system, so you can't be rendering your opponent's weapon moot with them.

Realism

As mentioned above, you can't block his swords with your bracers due to their cosmetic nature in this system.

Aiden tossed his damaged swords aside and wiped away a small line of blood that dripped from his mouth. He could feel something hard rolling around on his tongue. Spitting out a small amount of blood he could see that a piece of a tooth lay upon the ground. The Gray Jedi smirked and gave a slight glare to his opponent.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good pair of premium quality Beskad blades? You’re gonna pay for that.”

As Aiden’s right hand extended out, his lightsaber hilt flew from the left hip into his grasp. He pressed the red button resting upon the curve and an amethyst beam of light hissed into existence. Effortlessly,the blade lifted in front of his face, the purple light distorting his appearance slightly. With a slight swish of his arm, he dropped the blade to his side, like an extension of his arm.

“Now, before we begin round two, what is a Knight from Tarentum doing on Taldryan grounds?”

“My business is my business, Jedi.”

Boom…boom, boom…boom…boom, boom…boom…boom, boom…

Aiden could feel the rhythmic pounding of feet around them. The Massassi people were growing impatient as they awaited the continuation of this battle. A shadow grew on the arena, as the sun began to hide behind the pyramidal temple.

“I must bring you in for questioning. It would be simpler if you laid down your arms.”

“Enough talking.” Solas responded in a harsh voice as he flipped his lightsaber around, holding it in a reverse grip.

Boom…boom, boom…boom…boom, boom…boom…boom, boom…

Aiden could feel his pulse race with the beat. The call to fight excited him. The Gray Jedi closed his eyes as he waited for the right moment to attack. His breathing slowed as he calmed his mind. The Rhythm around him continued.

Boom…boom, boom…boom…

“Well then, let us continue.”

Aiden dashed forward, thrusting his lightsaber towards his adversary. Purple met red as the blades clashed. Solas countered, sweeping his left leg at Aiden’s feet, but the Gray Jedi flipped backwards to dodge the strike. The Tarentum knight went on the offensive, barreling his left fist towards Aiden, who stepped aside to avoid the fist, and swung his right hand, as if punching, bringing his lightsaber around in a large sweeping motion. Aiden parried the lightsaber and countered, thrusting the purple blade towards Solas’s chest again. Solas drew his arm across his chest, bringing his blade in front of his body to block before reversing himself into another off handed punch.

The Massassi cheered as they watched the ongoing battle. When Solas punched and swept; Aiden dodged and parried. When Aiden thrust his blade forward; Solas sidestepped or blocked the purple blade. The two Force users, equally talented in their disciplines, seemed to revel in the fight.

Aiden thrust his amethyst blade towards Solas, but the Tarentum Sith blocked the strike. Aiden advanced, pushing against his enemies' guard. He noticed that Solas began to waver as he added more pressure. Smirking, the Gray Jedi pushed with all his strength, forcing the Tarentum Knight to stumble backwards, their lightsabers disconnecting. Aiden followed through his push and his blade seared against his enemies left shoulder. Solas let out a grunt of pain, and Aiden slammed his left hand into the Tarentum Knight’s chest. Solas felt the Force hammer into him as he was sent flying, crashing into the Massassi behind him. They grabbed him and threw him back into the ring. Aiden backed away from his downed enemy. The Massassi cheered, their feet pounding quicker against the ground around the ring.

They began to chant along with the rhythm of their feet.

“It’s over, you can’t beat me. Surrender now, while you still can.”

“This isn’t over. Not by a long shot.” Solas stood up and looked at his wounded shoulder. His gaze centered on Aiden with hate filled eyes. “Now, Jedi Scum, allow me to show the true power of the Dark Side.”

“I know of the Dark Side, as I do the Light.”

Boy, he spat, you haven’t even scratched the surface.”

Darth Renatus, 18 April, 2016 1:01 AM UTC

Syntax

from the left hip into his grasp.

This is either missing "the left hip clip and into" or should be "his left hip".

The Rhythm around him continued.

There is no reason to be capitalizing "Rhythm" here.

“Boy, he spat, you haven’t even scratched the surface.”

Missing the quotes around "he spat,". Unless you meant for him to say that as part of it.

Story

“Now, before we begin round two, what is a Knight from Tarentum doing on Taldryan grounds?”

“My business is my business, Jedi.”

You need to declare the speaker at least once when bouncing back and forth in dialogue. We have no basis for who is talking without making assumptions as a reader.

Aiden rushed his opponent in an attempt to catch him off guard. Purple and crimson clashed as their sabers met. Aiden raised his saber to force Solas’ blade into the air. Seeing his opening, the Jedi threw a stiff punch at the Sith’s injured shoulder. However all this earned him was a sore hand when a dull metallic thunk filled the air. Deshra grunted as he staggered back.

“What in the world?!” Aiden shook his hand as he glared at his opponent. Solas wordlessly passed his saber to his left hand and reached across with his right. Gripping the tear in the fabric that the Jedi’s saber had made, he tore the sleeve clean off revealing his cybernetic left arm. Solas tossed his saber back to his right hand then flexed the fingers of his left hand before balling them up into a fist. Without warning he bolted towards his opponent and hurled his saber at the young Jedi.

Aiden easily blocked the spinning blade, but what he didn’t see coming was when Solas dropped into a slide and slid past him to his left and struck the side of his knee with his fist. The hit wasn’t to hard, but when Aiden began to turn towards his adversary he felt a twinge in his knee seconds before the joint gave way and he dropped down supporting himself with his good knee.

‘Blast it he hit a nerve! I can’t feel my foot. This isn’t good.’ As the Jedi mused, Solas had leapt to his feet and was closing on his enemy. Aiden lashed out as tendrils of lightning leapt from his fingers. Unfortunately this did nothing to deter the Sith as he easily deflected the attack. Abandoning that plan, the Jedi channeled as much power as he could into his open hand. Just as Solas was about deliver a devastating kick to Aiden’s head, the human slammed his hand into the ground releasing the coiled energy in a surprising shockwave that knocked the Sith off his feet.

Aiden staggered to his feet, unable to put weight on his left leg, he decided to end this fight now and ignited his saber and hobled over to his fallen opponent. Bringing his saber up into a rapier position in front of his chest, he thrusted the blade forward to impale the Sith’s throat. But just as he began his thrust, Solas kicked the Jedi squarely in his bad knee and the man collapsed dropping his saber. In that moment Aiden knew he’d been baited in and he had fallen for it. His thoughts were proven correct when the Sith quickly grabbed his right arm and pulled it into a short-arm scissors. All it took was a small amount of pressure applied to the hold and sickly crunch and pop rang out as Aiden felt his elbow pop out of joint followed by his shoulder. Aiden screamed out and quickly shuffled away clutching his limp arm. He watched as Solas reached his hand out and his eye’s grew wide as one of his discarded Beskad leapt into the Sith’s hand. In that moment Aiden’s fight-or-flight reflexes kicked in, and channeling all the might he could muster he attempted to flee. Only to encounter the wall of Massassi. Attempting to push his way past the warriors roughly grabbed the Jedi and tossed him back into the circle. Stumbling around he felt his leg giving out. But before he could fall, Solas grabbed him by the face and lifted him off the ground. Pressing the broken blade against the Jedi’s throat, Solas gave a wicked grin and slowly drew the blade across the young man’s throat. Laughing as the blood poured from the massive gash the Sith released his grip on Aiden and his corpse collapsed in a heap.

Darth Renatus, 18 April, 2016 1:13 AM UTC

Syntax

The hit wasn’t to hard,

Should be "too".

Attempting to push his way past the warriors roughly grabbed the Jedi and tossed him back into the circle.

Should have a comma after "past", otherwise this flows akwardly as a mix of pushing past the warriors and the warriors grabbing him.

Story

Laughing as the blood poured from the massive gash the Sith released his grip on Aiden and his corpse collapsed in a heap.

This is an extremely abrupt ending with no sense of continuation or closure. You just drop him and bam, cut to black. It's very jarring for the reader and should be avoided.

Realism

However all this earned him was a sore hand when a dull metallic thunk filled the air. Deshra grunted as he staggered back.

As with armor, prosthetics are currently cosmetic in our system and don't afford any advantages. Even if it did, prosthetics in the SW universe are equipped with devices that send the "feelings" to them (so they can actually feel what they are touching). Only in select cases was that feature ever missing.

Aiden lashed out as tendrils of lightning leapt from his fingers. Unfortunately this did nothing to deter the Sith as he easily deflected the attack. Abandoning that plan, the Jedi channeled as much power as he could into his open hand.

This is another major realism issue. At +1 Lightning, it would take an extreme emotion to bring forth the power for Aiden (which is not on display here) and would leave him extremely drained afterwards. That makes his follow up of TK Pound unrealistic as well.

Bringing his saber up into a rapier position in front of his chest, he thrusted the blade forward to impale the Sith’s throat

This goes against Aiden's aspect "He's No Good to Me Dead."

Aiden felt a darkness pulsing in the Force around him. He watched as Solas’s body shook, a crazed look forming on his face. The Sith grabbed ahold of the cloak covering his shoulder and ripped it away, revealing a slightly damaged prosthetic arm.

“Boy, your death would have been quick.” Solas slowly walked towards Aiden his red lightsaber tightly gripped, “But now, I think I’m gonna kill you nice and slow, so that I can savor every second of it.”

Aiden felt fear as he watched his enemy. The Tarenti dashed forward with newfound speed, swinging his lightsaber with abandon. As Aiden attempted to parry the blade, he was surprised by Solas’s newfound strength. The fight had been slowly tiring the younger force wielder out, and that last assault hadn’t helped. Becoming more defensive, Aiden began circling the ring parrying and ducking away from Solas’s increasingly wild strikes. As Solas swept his red blade at Aiden’s feet, the Gray Jedi parried the attack, only to receive a strong right hook to the side of his face. The force of the blow sent Aiden to his knees.

“What happened to your bravado? I thought I couldn’t beat you? I guess it was you, boy, who couldn’t survive this fight.”

While listening to Solas speak, Aiden channeled the Force, concentrating its power. He could feel his muscles tingling as the energy coursed through his veins. Solas raised his lightsaber to strike down his adversary, the Taldryan Knight rolled out of the way. Aiden countered with his own lightsaber, thrusting his purple blade towards Solas’s chest, but the Sith was able to dodge, only suffering a burn to his waist.

Solas seemed to feel no pain from the glancing burn. As Aiden regained his feet, Solas resumed his onslaught, sweeping his lightsaber and swinging his fist wildly. As the battle escalated, Aiden noticed that the Sith’s form was off. He was sloppy in his anger. He realized that this could mean his victory. So he waited. He wove through strike after strike, leaving slight burns when possible. But the slight injuries seemed to have no effect on Solas’s madness. The Massassi cheered the battle on, almost seeming to be losing patience.

Boom..Boom..Boom..Boom.

“It’s time to die, Jedi!” Solas spat.

Boom..Boom..Boom..Boom.

“No one is dying today.”

Aiden realized that Solas was slowing, as was he. There would be only one more try at stopping this battle before his empowerment failed him. So centered himself, Aiden waited for the perfect moment. Solas struck, savagely swinging his lightsaber with all of his might.

Boom..Boom..Boom..Boom.

Aiden stood his ground, and as the blade closed in, he shifted his footing and parried the red saber with his own. Using his body’s natural strength, and his footing as leverage, Aiden held his lightsaber with both hands and pushed with all he had. Solas arm twisted up and away from him. Aiden followed through, forcing his amethyst lightsaber to slice through Solas' right hand.

The Tarenti Knight cried out in agony at losing his one good hand, crumpling to the arena floor as exhaustion kicking in. The watching tribe cheered loudly. Their lust for battle finally sated. Aiden disengaged his lightsaber, and pulled Solas’s hilt into his left hand. After securing the two lightsabers, Aiden pulled out a small communications device.

“This is Aiden Lee Deshra. I have in my custody a trespassing Sith from Clan Tarentum. I am requesting an extraction squad. And please be quick about it, we don’t need to give him a chance at escaping.”

After transmitting his location, Aiden walked back over to Solas’s downed form.

“Looks like this young boy defeated you.”

“You got lucky brat. Next time I will kill you.”

Aiden smiled. “I’ll be waiting.”

Darth Renatus, 18 April, 2016 1:19 AM UTC

Syntax

Boom..Boom..Boom..Boom.

An ellipses is three periods, not two.

younger force wielder out,

"Force" should be capitalized.

So centered himself, Aiden waited for the perfect moment.

"centered" doesn't flow in this sentence, it should be "centering".

Solas arm twisted up and away from him.

Should be "Solas'" in possessive form.

arena floor as exhaustion kicking in.

Should be "as exhaustion was kicking in".

Aiden disengaged his lightsaber, and pulled Solas’s hilt into his left hand.

The comma creates an unnecessary pause in the flow of the sentence.