Vanguard Xantros vs. Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor

Vanguard Xantros

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Duros, Jedi, Shadow, Consular
vs.

Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
Comment

This was a bit of a long one to grade. Props to you both for running the gauntlet that is a 4+4 match format.

To start, let's get the winner out of the way: Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor.

Now then, let's get into the "why" of it. While this is a Funderdome match that allows for a different approach to "conflict" within the ACC, it is still a Ranked Funderdome match, so I had to break out the red ink on it.

Both of you had a myriad of Syntax based issues that made reading this entire match actually difficult, especially given its length. In fact, after a few posts it looked like Xantros in particular gave up any and all attempts at more than a quick skim.

There were also some minor Realism issues on display for Lexic, but it is just a matter of going to the extremes and slight misuse of skills... until the big Realism issue. You had Lexic be quite the tracker in your posts, however tracking relies on two skills working together. These skills are Perception and Survival. While your sheet has Lexic quite skilled at one of these, he lacks in anything more than basic Perception. While not a Major Detractor due to how you applied Survival here, it is still an issue you should be aware of.

Other than that, the Story here was the weakest part for you both. With Lexic it was just difficult to understand motivations and the relationship on display. Plus, it seemed kind of rushed near the end. For Xantros I just didn't see much of an effort after the first post.

While I commend you both for the option you took in the match format, I feel it really burnt you guys out and hurt you more than it helped you. Hopefully you can step up the game next time!

Good luck in your future matches.

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 8 out of 8
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Vanguard Xantros, Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor
Winner Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Vanguard Xantros's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 5 June, 2016 11:20 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: Please refer to the comments, though I didn't cover absolutely everything as your misuse of commas became rather commonplace. Also, typically, we would ignore errors in dialogue but I pointed them out as they seemed at odds with the way he talked previously, which denoted errors. Rationale: Please refer to the comments, though I may not have managed to cover all of the repeated errors. You tend to use the wrong descriptor, or structure your sentences in incredibly awkward ways that make it cumbersome to read.
Story - 40%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: While your posts were initially strong and added to the "reason" for this encounter, they fell off rather quickly and ceased to really offer anything to the experience. Rationale: You provided the meat of the action and occurrences within the match. It was clear that you were in the "driver's seat", so to speak, for the entirety of the match. However, the story itself was vague and confusing for the reader without much explanation in the relationship or what was going on.
Realism - 25%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: None that were immediately apparent. Rationale: A few issues that were apparent or confusing in regards to the characterizations and abilities.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You ended your final post with a continuity error. Rationale: None that were immediately apparent.
Adept Xantros's Score: 3.15 Qor Kith's Score: 3.25
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, bipedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

Qor walked out into the dry savannah with a makeshift cane in his hand, as the scorching sun beared down on his neck. His eyes scanned the dirt and sand for footprints, tracking them through the bush. Qor was closing in on his target, the freshly trodden dirt told him this. It wasn’t too hard to find the Jedi, he was after all just like Qor. An isolationist at heart, preferring the natural habitats of the animal kingdom, over the concrete jungles people built. But what made Qor curious was the selection of this planet itself, what it represented and why precisely at a time so fragile. It was common sense to know a single Jedi is an easy target, especially one who refuses to arm himself. But this wasn’t no ordinary Jedi.

Qor caught up to the trail and there on a mount made by ants, stood an old Duros who was very familiar to the Quarren. Qor knew Xantros well enough to understand illusions and acts of deception were his ploy, so he prodded the dirt with his cane in random places in front of him. Walking forward carefully, Qor glanced up at Xantros every now and then. They had been through rough times, an ambush was a very likely tactic. But all Xantros did was chuckle and looked back at the Quarren.

“What are you doing, Qor?” It wasn’t a silly question. If people saw the Sith prodding and poking the dirt all hunched over, they would think he’d gone mad.

“Checking for traps, snares, pitfalls. Can never be too careful these days.” Xantros agreed with the Quarren’s reply. With every ship from the Grand Master looking for him, protecting yourself was a necessity. Xantros shook his head and looked back at the horizon, scanning the savannah.

“I couldn’t start a fire on his planet, never mind lay some traps or nets. You can throw the stick away.” Xantros folded his arms as he spoke, fiddling with a piece of turu grass. Qor slowly joined him on the mount and looked out to the savannah as well, his cane firmly in his hand.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, you see it’s got much more use than prodding dirt. There’s some nasty things out there. Waiting to tear us apart, pry the meat from our bones and share the load with their pack. Problem is, we’re not like the Togruta around here. We are not hunters, are we Xan?” The Duros sighed and closed his eyes, Qor felt the Jedi’s concentration on his mind. Listening to his thoughts, watching his emotions and getting a feel of his calm state. Qor didn’t resist, he accepted this was the only way they could understand one another. It was a necessary risk.

“You have the tainted power of the Sith and yet you are still calm in the company of danger. I’ve seen death, time and time again. But this time, it’s a painful experience for me. I watched the planet burst into fire, I heard the screams of the innocent through the Force and I felt the raw sensation of dread and fear. I’m still wondering after seeing that, how do you conquer so much stress from war?” Xantros opened his eyes and turned to look into Qor’s who was still staring out into the turu grass. Biting his bottom lip in a reserved thought, the Quarren wished he had an answer. But it has been a permanent thought in his mind ever since he joined Palpatine’s clan. Qor tapped Xantros’ shoulder and looked back into the Duros’ red eyes.

“You don’t, Jedi. It conquers you. All I do is try to survive.” The Quarren whispered as he walked towards the turu grass and scanned the savannah. He felt something was watching them, but whether it was friend or foe was questionable. He quickly turned around with the cane pointed at Xantros, then smirked.

“My orders are to feed you to the Akul, I’m starting to wonder whether that is more merciful than taking you prisoner. Am I right?” Xantros slowly dropped the turu grass onto the floor and dropped his hands, readying himself.

“As if you could take me down, squid.” Qor chuckled and stepped backwards, placing some distance between them. The Jedi wasn’t violent, but Qor knew he had some tricks.

“I could right now if I wanted to, all I have to do is give the order.” Qor kept his eyes on the Duros, wondering who would take the first strike.

“You asked me to walk the blurred line with you back in Visulu. Is that still a plan in your mind?” Xantros brought back a good memory, a happy memory of a peaceful time. But this wasn’t peace and they weren’t in happy times. Qor glared down the cane and bared his fangs in hostility.

“What do you think?” He whispered, his dry throat making him croaky. If only they could share a drink, one last time.

Darth Renatus, 14 June, 2016 11:56 PM UTC

Syntax

Qor walked out into the dry savannah with a makeshift cane in his hand, as the scorching sun beared down on his neck.

The comma here is unnecessary and hurts the flow.

An isolationist at heart, preferring the natural habitats of the animal kingdom, over the concrete jungles people built.

This is a sentence fragment, as it has no subject in the sentence.

But this wasn’t no ordinary Jedi.

Double negative, cancels itself out. Should be "But this was no ordinary Jedi."

Qor caught up to the trail and there[,] on a mount made by ants, stood an old Duros who was very familiar to the Quarren.

Additional comma needed for proper flow.

a fire on [t]his planet

Wrong word choice.

But it has been a permanent thought in his mind ever since he joined Palpatine’s clan.

This is in present tense while everything else is past.

Story

Qor knew Xantros well enough to understand illusions and acts of deception were his ploy, so he prodded the dirt with his cane in random places in front of him.

How does he know this? Yes, Xantros has "Your Reputation Precedes You" but that merely means his name holds weight in negotiations. It has no bearing on his abilities and knowledge of it. As a reader, we don't know any past that may exist here, so you have to acknowledge that fact and account for it in your writing.

Am I right?” Xantros slowly dropped the turu grass onto the floor and dropped his hands, readying himself.

It isn't as clear as it could be who is talking here. Try to keep dialogue grouped with the actions of the speaker, and apart from others.

“You asked me to walk the blurred line with you back in Visulu. Is that still a plan in your mind?” Xantros brought back a good memory, a happy memory of a peaceful time.

Again, I have no idea who is talking here.

General Comments

Biting his bottom lip in a reserved thought, the Quarren wished he had an answer.

Do Quarren even have lips? Looks like beaks to me.

Xantros looked at Qor once again. He was well aware that the Quarren was a far more skilled warrior, when it came to physical prowess and martial arts. It was not a surprise to anyone, who knew that the Jedi dedicated himself to the pacifistic philosophy of deep respect towards any form of life. Thus, he had to find another way to prevent Qor from carrying out the order of imprisoning him.

Fortunately, the savannah of Shili provided a shelter for numerous species of animals. Among them, there were also predators. Many people considered the life on Shilito be either to hunt or to be hunted. However, they did not see the third way. Neither to hunt nor to be hunted, but to make other beings hunt for you.

The turu grass rustled. A large feline creature, which both Xantros and Qor had sensed before, while it had been observing them carefully. During their discussion, the Vanguard sent his thoughts to the animal through the Force and used it to befriend the cat. Now, the predator, which could have easily hunted him under different circumstances, turned its glowing eyes at the Sith.

"I think that you are still not sure about that," answered the Duros to the question asked by Qor. "You want me...us... to walk it, but there are still some ties to your Clan that make you a bit reluctant to leave it immediately. You want to find a convenient moment for our small trip, but I guarantee you that there will never be one. Or there will always be such one. Your duties will grow in number with time and you will devote yourself to carrying your tasks out in the best way possible. However, if you finally find yourself ready to make the decision to leave everything behind you, you will be able to join me on our journey at any time."

"You are in the same position as I am," replied the Quarren, while observing the feline predator. "You have assumed the role of the Rollmaster of Clan Odan-Urr and you have no time to continue your search nor to see off for the journey, because your new duties have tied you to the headquarters of your Clan, wherever they are at this moment."

"Indeed, I still have a lot to do for my Jedi companions, but I do my best to make sure that I finish the projects that I am working on as soon as it is only possible, in order to return to fulfilling my plans," spoke Xantros. "Now, tell me, what are you going to do with me? Will you leave me alone and let me prepare our journey or will you make a futile attempt to capture me and bring me to the Grand Master for further questioning and inevitable death?"

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2016 12:04 AM UTC

Syntax

It was not a surprise to anyone, who knew that the Jedi dedicated himself to the pacifistic philosophy of deep respect towards any form of life.

The comma here is unnecessary and interrupts the flow.

A large feline creature, which both Xantros and Qor had sensed before, while it had been observing them carefully.

The second comma isn't needed and the sentence feels incomplete and awkward. Should mention that it is the feline that caused the rustling in some way.

Now, the predator, which could have easily hunted him under different circumstances, turned its glowing eyes at the Sith.

Comma overload, the first is entirely unneeded which would solve the flow issue.

Story

The strength of this post is rather flimsy. It fills in some blanks for the reader in regards to motivations and relations between the two characters, but it also spends some time retconning bits of the previous post in order to create a favourable position for your character.

Given the ultimatum before him, Qor paced slowly in front of the Duros and gave a stern eye every now and then. The options were as clear as daylight; restrain the Duros and bring him in for questioning and interrogation, or flee his powerful seat, dismantle from his constructed reputation and become a simple pilgrim of the Force. But Qor had his orders from the Emperor himself, he wasn’t one to fail or displease his superiors. The Battlemaster paced more impatiently, his eyes flickered as his mind busily consulted the options weighing on him, it wasn’t clear which was more profitable but he needed to act. Qor pointed the stick at the Duros again as he spoke.

“What about a ruse for the eyes of our peers, we make them think we are dead somehow and we flee together?” Xantros only shook his head and rubbed his weary face with both hands, as an ambient growl slowly grew from the grass.

“They would only search for bodies and when there isn’t any, they will assume we escaped. The Arcanists and Kiffars will likely track us down.” Xantros replied in a infuriated manner. Qor couldn’t think how to approach this problem, there wasn’t a clear solution for him. They would either end up dead on an unknown planet, or a fragile friendship would end on this planet. With a growl, Qor yanked the stick down in order to break it on his knee, but it just hurt and bounced away.

“Gah! Well we have no other choice! I have to turn you in or destroy you on this savannah! You leave me little choice!” The growling behind them grew louder and it sparked Qor into action. Yanking and triggering the lanvarok to life, he fired a single poisoned disc. The projectile swung in an arc, mowing down the grass in its path. A high-pitched yelp came from the bush, followed by frantic rustling in the dirt. There was a moment of silence, then suddenly the head of a giant Akul beast erupted before him. Lexiconus was ready to attack the creature when it collapsed on the sandy soil and pushed one final sigh. The Battlemaster turned his wrist-mounted device onto the Duros, who just stood there in shock as tears poured from his eyes.

“Do you see what happens when we do not follow the plan? Things get hurt! Lives are lost and we are left with a mess to clean up! I cannot just flee and turn my back on my responsibilities! But I cannot let you escape! Not just yet. Why don’t you see this?” Qor shouted as sweat poured from his face, his dry tongue panting out. The Quarren waited for an answer but with the death of the Akul had clearly shaken Xantros. The Duros was frozen, a hand clutching his chest as he stared blankly at the corpse. Qor wasn’t going to let his life be controlled by others. Not now. Not ever. He marched up to Xantros and grabbed him by the collar then pushed him forwards.

“We are boarding the shuttle. Then you will answer for your crimes on the Brotherhood. Do you understand this… Undesirable?” Qor pushed the Jedi Vanguard again by the collar as he led him across the savannah. It was time for the Jedi to answer for his crimes.

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2016 12:14 AM UTC

Syntax

The Battlemaster paced more impatiently, his eyes flickered as his mind busily consulted the options weighing on him, it wasn’t clear which was more profitable but he needed to act.

Last comma should be a period, breaking these into separate sentences.

Story

“What about a ruse for the eyes of our peers, we make them think we are dead somehow and we flee together?” Xantros only shook his head and rubbed his weary face with both hands, as an ambient growl slowly grew from the grass.

This reads as though Xantros is the speaker, but I'm guessing it is actually Qor.

Realism

who just stood there in shock as tears poured from his eyes.

You continue to show a range of emotions that seems entirely out of character for a "calm" Jedi, and even with only +1 Resolve this isn't exactly a high stress/emotion situation. While it is in line with his CS to care deeply for the animals, this reaction is too extreme given the context.

General Comments

Xantros replied in a infuriated manner.

This should be "an", but it also seems out of character for Xantros as his sheet and this story has presented him. "Infuriated" is too strong a word.

Xantros, still disturbed by death of his animal companion with whom he had created a strong mental bond through the Force, moved ahead, as he was forced the Quarren. The grass of the savannah rustled as the Sith and the Jedi walked towards the freighter that belonged to Qor. The Vanguard decided to temporarily follow the instructions of his enemy, whom he had hoped to convert to the teachings of the light side, as he could not come up with a way to run away safely. At that moment, the Battlemaster had an advantage over him, but the ship was still far away and one simple distraction would allow the Duros to vanish from the sight of his enemy.

Few minutes later, such an opportunity to run away appeared. Both humanoids sensed two more predators moving towards them. The animals were curious about their presence of unfamiliar beings on their territory. They were close enough to track them, but did not decide to attack yet. Still, Xantros could sense growing anger in their primitive minds. He was aware that he was not able to create another strong bond so soon after losing the last of his animal companion, but he also knew that single spark could turn the anger of the animals into an unstoppable wave of flames. The Jedi used the opportunity and sent his thoughts to the predators through the Force and channelled their primitive feelings to attack the Quarren.

The animals did not pose any significant threat to the Sith, but dealing with them took him several seconds. He activated his lightsaber. Its white blade appeared in the air and buzzed, when it cut through throats of the large cats. Two bodies fell on the ground with a hollow sound, while their heads rolled away. Qor deactivated his weapon and looked in the direction, where his prisoner should be, but the Duros disappeared, when the Sith was occupied by the predators. In the meantime, Xantros used the Force to cloak himself from the Quarren's senses, both physical and enhanced with the Force. He slowly moved into the grass, trying not to leave any traces that the Sith could follow.

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2016 12:19 AM UTC

Syntax

Xantros, still disturbed by [the] death of his animal companion with whom he had created a strong mental bond through the Force, moved ahead[ ]as he was forced the Quarren.

Missing a word and the last comma was unneeded.

[A f]ew minutes later, such an opportunity to run away appeared.

Missing a word.

The animals were curious about [the] presence of unfamiliar beings on their territory.

Wrong word here.

strong bond so soon after losing the last[ ]animal companion

Additional wording here that broke up the sentence grammatically.

Its white blade appeared in the air and buzzed[ ]when it cut through [the] throats of the large cats

Unneeded comma and a missing word.

but the Duros disappeared[ ]when the Sith was occupied by the predators.

Comma wasn't needed here.

Confused and surprised at the Duros’ quick-witted game, Lexiconus Qor smirked impressively at the Jedi’s tricks. The Battlemaster felt he had more to learn from this old Jedi, something about the creed and values of the order. Something about the mercy spread between the population they protect, a unique feat of saintly devotion pulled these Jedi together. They used generosity in the name of adversity, used loyalty in the name of betrayal and advice in the name of anarchy. There was always something about the Jedi helping their opponents to a quick and justified end, but they always left clues to follow. As Qor deactivated his lightsaber, sheathed it and picked up the cane again, he noticed a disturbance in the grass. Broken leaves, displaced mud, a trench of some sorts. The Battlemaster slowly moved forward and kneeled down into the dense, ruby leaves.

The ridges were as clear as day, the print wasn’t a native. But a boot, and a large heavy one. Upon further investigation in the grass, the Battlemaster found more boots. They told a story, one of a limping man, in a brisk walk away. Qor sunk to his stomach and began a slow crawl into the grass, and covered his back in the turu grass. Disappearing into a stalking crawl, the Battlemaster followed the trail closely, his eyes watching the incoming view of the shuttle.

He heard it before he saw, a low and bellowing rumble, echoing across the mud and grass of the savannah. The dominant sound sent shivers across his skin, but instinct ordered him not to move. The Force pushed his arms and legs to slide out of the way and into a dense mound of mud, where his body hid for a second. The stench of manure and rotting flesh almost caused Qor to vomit, but the Force ordered him to remain vigilant and strong. Then another gravely bellow reached out to the Battlemaster’s ears, as the beast came fully into sight. Stripes of orange and red slithering across the grass, as silver claws shined from the mud below. A strong and long tail slid across the ground, with a pommel of black fur. The beast was on the hunt and picked up the scent of something delectable, but it didn’t seem to be Qor.

While hiding in the small mud mound, the Quarren’s ears picked up the familiar voice of the Duros in the distance, he needed to investigate. Plucking up the courage to escape his hide, Qor crawled his way outside and back across the thick grass, towards the sound of the voice. The conversation was silent and muttering at first, but when the Battlemaster crawled carefully closer, he finally caught something useful.

“Well look again. He has to be here. Guard the shuttle for me as you search.” Xantros gave his orders to the Akul that Qor watched pass him a moment ago. The old Jedi certainly had his way with animals, but the Sith questioned whether the animal was good enough to track him. Sliding his way through the drying dirt and mud, Qor had a wave of paranoia swoop over him. Like an entity was watching his every move, the Quarren flickered his eyes around in a panic. He felt the beast was close, but it was too difficult to pinpoint where. Sliding through the dried dirt further, he came to an opening with the large shuttle in sight. With no worry about the Akul in the grass, the Battlemaster slowly lifted into a crouch and sneaked on board the shuttle.

Working away on the activation of the navigations console, Xantros was seated in the pilot’s seat and unaware of the Sith’s entrance. Qor slowly and silently stepped closer towards the old Jedi’s back, his feet making not even a muffled sound. Stepping closer and closer, Qor was pressed up against the back of the pilot’s seat and slowly rose to stand. Slowly removing his lightsaber hilt, he took his chance. By quickly moving the hilt to the Duros’ neck, Qor quickly ignited the silver blade and placed it close to Xantros’ neck.

“Your pets didn’t do a good job at all, Jedi. Now, close the ramp and let’s talk about where you’re going and why.” Xantros pushed a button and the whirring of the ramp’s hydraulics shut the shuttle closed, nervously shaking at the proximity of the lightsaber blade.

“Now, can you please remove the weapon so we can talk?” Xantros asked, which Qor agreed to and deactivated his lightsaber. By sitting down on a bench nearby, he kept his distance from the Jedi and a clear view of his every move. Unfortunately, the stench was off-putting to Xantros, who wrinkled his face in disgusted.

“What did you do? Roll around in someone’s mess and come to glorify it?” He muttered with a repulsed tone. The Battlemaster slowly lifted his arm and found layers of dung squashed under, which smelt pungent to him, the Quarren smirked.

“Well you sent your little pups after me, so I was forced to protect my life any way possible. A dirt mound was the option, another was to kill one and hide in the body. So where are you going?” Qor returned with a confident smile. He wasn’t leaving anytime soon, but the Battlemaster had a feeling this was more than escape. It felt like the start of a new path, as two enemies became friends.

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2016 12:37 AM UTC

Syntax

Lexiconus Qor smirked impressively at the Jedi’s tricks.

"impressively" doesn't work as a modifier in this way. This reads as the smirk being impressive, when you mean to say that "Lexiconus made an impressed smirk in response to the Jedi's tricks."

and values of the order

"Order" should be proper here, since he is referencing the Jedi.

Battlemaster’s ears, as the beast came fully into sight.

Unneeded comma.

Plucking up the courage to escape his hide

Hiding place?

Like an entity was watching his every move, the Quarren flickered his eyes around in a panic.

Sentence fragment. The topic of the first half is in regards to the paranoia which isn't part of this sentence.

The Battlemaster slowly lifted his arm and found layers of dung squashed under, which smelt pungent to him, the Quarren smirked.

The flow here is incredibly awkward.

Story

The Force pushed his arms and legs to slide out of the way and into a dense mound of mud, where his body hid for a second.

[...]

but the Force ordered him to remain vigilant and strong.

Honestly, no idea what you are trying to convey here. If you are referring to Precognition, it doesn't control your movements but give you a nudge or a sense of what is about to happen so you can react.

Realism

his feet making not even a muffled sound.

At +1 Athletics, you don't have the amount of body control required to be utterly silent in your approach. Nor do you have a Feat allowing for this.

Tired with trying to escape constantly, Xantros sighed. It was not like he imagined being a pacifist. He hoped to free himself from the burden of fighting and killing people, but it seemed that more and more people want to fight and to kill him. Wherever he went, troublemakers followed him, testing if he was really devoted to his new believes. However, he could sense that his current enemy, Lexiconus Qor, changed somehow. Thus, the Jedi asked, "So, what exactly want from me?"

"You know what I want, Jedi," answered the Quarren looking at the Duros. "We still have an unfinished discussion."

"Do we?" asked Xantros with a polite smile appearing on his green face. He, of course, was aware of what the Sith was talking about. They had talked about it just prior to the destruction of New Tython and on few more occassions. "Are you still willing to set on this journey, which we had discussed briefly before?"

"Yes, I am," answered Lexiconus Qor.

"But you are not ready," replied Xantros and raised his hand, when the Quarren opened his mouths to comment. "Neither I am. Not now, not in the close future."

"But..." started the Battlemaster, but the Vanguard interrupted him again.

"But we can make some preparations. We still have obligations to fulfill, but we can use the resources to prepare ourselves for our journey in the future. We may gather unofficial star charts, make certain arrangements, find a ship to travel around the Galaxy and so on. We really need a lot of time to set everything for our search," explained Xantros patiently. "However, our plans may become shattered by one wrong decision, one wrong move. At this point, they solely depend on what you decide to do with me."

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2016 12:39 AM UTC

Syntax

more and more people want to fight and to kill him

You switched to the wrong tense here.

devoted to his new believes.

Should be "beliefs".

"So, what exactly want from me?"

Missing the "do you want".

"Neither I am.

Should be "Neither am I."

Pondering this statement from the wisely-spoken Duros, Lexiconus Qor crossed his legs over and retreated into a solemn concentration. The plans laid out needed to be precise, deceitful and untraceable by all of their allies. Any fault in the steps taken can lead to severe consequences, and Qor knew some sentences were worse than death. The Quarren quickly stood and walked towards his Jedi companion.

“We also need to tread carefully about how people see us, feel us through the Force. One piece of disloyalty sensed or read by others, and we could be thrown into the brig under lock and key. Time is sacred here and the use of patience, humility and power is key here.” Qor stressed, planning was his forte but even he felt this level of deceit was unnerving. Xantros frowned as he tried to figure the connection of the words, then his face relaxed into an assuring smile.

“So you want us to start passing the torch onto our subjects, replace ourselves so we can just slip away into the night?” The Vanguard queried, and Qor snapped his fingers. He shot his finger guns at Xantros and chuckled to himself. But now remained a more serious question, to test their plan wasn’t enough, they needed to test the strength and loyalty of each other to the plan. Strength in the mission was vital, and being a team player was what Qor needed. The Quarren crossed his arms and glared at the Jedi.

“How do I know I can trust you to stay on target? You haven’t exactly got a reputation for loyalty or working well with the dark side.” By trying to read the scrunches and flickering of his eyes, Qor tried his best to read the Duros’ face for a lie formulating, but so far he couldn’t tell anger from gas. The Jedi slowly leaned back on his chair in calmness and smiled.

“Guess you will just have to trust in the Force, or quit.” This wasn’t comforting to the Quarren, as he stomped up and down the empty shuttle cockpit, his fists scrunched into balls. Then as he heard the clinking of glass in his waistcloth, he got the inkling of an idea. By slowly pulling out two vials from his possessions, both a transparent yellow, he walked slowly back to Xantros. Using the Force, he snatched a small cargo box and yanked it towards them, then sat in the co-pilot seat. Carefully placing the vials on the box with his precise surgeon hands, the Quarren then looked up at the Jedi and smirked.

“Let us do a trust test.” Xantros wasn’t sure what to make of it, as he stared at the vials curiously.

“A trust test? What does that involve?” Qor gave an expressionless face, as he pointed at the vials.

“Yes! I know that part, but what are the rules?” The Duros grumbled, he was getting tired of Qor’s sarcasm.

“Oh it’s simple. Two vials sit in front of you; one could be poison and kill you in seconds, the other would be the antidote and won’t affect you. You choose the vial.” The Battlemaster smirked with his poker face, Xantros flickered his eyes quickly at both vials, while his fingers tapped each other nervously. He was certainly afraid. But Qor couldn’t tell if he was more afraid of the vials, or the Battlemaster.

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2016 12:43 AM UTC

Syntax

Any fault in the steps taken can lead to severe consequences

Wrong tense.

Continuity

the other would be the antidote and won’t affect you.

You don't have any antidotes in your loadout and make no reference to if this is a bluff or not.

To be alive or to be dead. It was a simple choice. One vial meant life. The other would bring death. But which of them was the one that he should have chosen to remain alive? There was only one way to make the decision.

"To show my trust to you, I choose this vial," spoke Xantros pointing to the vial on his left. "However, you must show me that you are worth of my trust. You will drink it first, as you know what is its content. I will drink the rest of the fluid as soon as I see, if it has any effect on you."

"Well, to remind you, it is you, who are supposed to drink it," replied Qor.

"Of course, but after you. Be my guest," said the Vanguard with a smile.

"Why do not you want to drink it?" asked the Battlemaster.

"I value my life, but there is a more important thing at the stake," explained the Duros. "We both need to be ready to abandon our former lives. I have made my decision. It is the time for you to make the choice too. It is up to you, if it is the same as mine or a different one."

Xantros observed the Sith, who was thinking about their conversation. After a moment, the Quarren spoke, "It would be highly unwise to drink from this vial. As it would be to drink from the other one."

"I thought so," replied the Vanguard with a polite smile appearing on his face. "You have asked me to trust you, but you have already betrayed me. You must prove yourself worthy of my trust, before I will agree to set off for our mutual journey."

"I have not betrayed you, as we are not yet allies," explained Qor and shook his head. "I simply needed to test your ability to make wise decisions. You have proved that you are a capable person in this matter by making the best possible choice, while playing with the cards that I gave you."

"Thank you, but what does it mean to me?" asked Xantros.

"You are free to go, but it would be better for both of us, if our next meeting took place few moments before setting off for the journey. Otherwise, I will be forced to imprison you and to deliver you the the Grand Master himself," answered the Battlemaster.

"Very well, then," replied the Vanguard and nodded, before marching towards the freighter that had brought him to the savannah of Shili.

Darth Renatus, 15 June, 2016 12:46 AM UTC

Syntax

I will drink the rest of the fluid as soon as I see, if it has any effect on you."

Unneeded comma.

it is you, who are supposed to drink it

Unneeded comma.

"Why do not you want to drink it?"

Should be "Why do you not"

thing at the stake,

You don't need the "the" here and the speech patterns developed thus far do not denote the Duros speaking this way.

Continuity

Vanguard and nodded, before marching towards the freighter that had brought him to the savannah of Shili.

You're already inside a shuttle, and make no mention of opening the shuttle and leaving at any point.