Knight Talis vs. Knight Aiden Lee Deshra

Knight Talis

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Knight Aiden Lee Deshra

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
Comment

Talis -- your posts were clear and mostly well-executed. My issues, however, are twofold. One, you stumble over your words a little and convolute your sentences where they could be more effective as short and sharp, consisting of only a few words. Similarly, you only began to weave a story into the fabric of your posts in the second post. This was certainly good to see, as it shows that you understand this needs to be done, but it was a little late given that Aiden hit the nail on the head from the outset. That being said, don't be disheartened. You are an exceptionally talented ACC combatant, and I see a bright future ahead of you. Especially with your ability to so effectively describe the lightsaber forms. Keep it up, refine your craft, and I have no doubt that you'll give us all a run for our money.

Aiden -- Congratulations. You have shown real skill in your posts. Your storyline and your adherence to the character sheets and lightsaber forms were admirable. There were only a few very minor hiccups in your posts. For the most part, you did great.

Overall -- I have to say that this was a very enjoyable match to grade. Both combatants are clearly extremely talented and have heaps of potential as they move forward in the ACC. And only Journeymen? Oh boy, we've got some good, young blood in this place. Keep it up, the pair of you.

Hall Journeyman Tourney [2016]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Talis, Knight Aiden Lee Deshra
Winner Knight Aiden Lee Deshra
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Talis's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Aiden Lee Deshra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 26 April, 2016 10:29 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Dr. Rhylance
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Largely, well written posts, with no spelling mistakes and solid use of grammar and sentence structure. A couple of syntax errors and misplaced sentences which caused an element of confusion, and the paragraph structure was a little blocky, but otherwise good. Well done. Rationale: Little to no issues in respect of syntax, grammar, spelling, sentence structure or paragraph structure. All sentences seemed to read well, and the posts were overall very concise. Well done.
Story - 40%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Dr. Rhylance
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Knight Talis does a good job of introducing plot elements and backstory in the final post. This is a good demonstration of effective storytelling, and certainly adds a subtext to the fight which enhances the read. If this was introduced from the outset, it would've certainly made the posts feel more consistent across both. There were a couple of plot points that were almost a little too convenient which also detracted from your score. Rationale: Aiden did a good job of introducing a backstory, and ensuring that the story continued to remain interesting throughout. Surprisingly, Aiden was able to see the subtext of the plot through to the final post, tying in the comments at the beginning of his first post highlighting the Grand Master's Inquisitorius storyline which is currently ongoing in the wider DB. This was a very nice tough and certainly contributed to the overall read. I felt this story was unique in its deployment, and the mechanics of the storytelling were inspiring. Well done.
Realism - 25%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Dr. Rhylance
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Contained some elements of contention, but nothing significant. Mostly a good demonstration and a keen understanding of how to effectively use Character Sheets, in particular, how to effectively describe the differences in lightsaber forms without explicit explanation. Very well done. I am extremely impressed. Rationale: Contained some elements of contention, but nothing significant. Mostly a good demonstration and a keen understanding of how to effectively use Character Sheets, in particular, how to effectively describe the differences in lightsaber forms without explicit explanation. Very well done. I am extremely impressed.
Continuity - 20%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Dr. Rhylance
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No continuity errors found. There was a cut to Aiden's arm in the first post which was missed, but this was missed by both parties. Rationale: No continuity errors found. There was a cut to Aiden's arm in the first post which was missed, but this was missed by both parties.
Neza-Rem Zarabi's Score: 3.8 Dr. Rhylance's Score: 4.75
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics- to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Innumerous scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

Ca-Clang-Clang

“Blast!”

The loud clattering of metal hitting metal echoed throughout the silent hallway of the Imperial Star Destroyer. Aiden Lee Deshra, Knight of Taldryan, knelt down to retrieve the fallen power converter, and placed it safely in his pack. Once the converters were put away he continued walking down the dark corridor. The walls of the vast ship were blown apart. Stripped wires stuck out of the holes in the walls. The only source of light came from the trail of green glow rods he left as a path back to the outside desert planet of Jakku.

“This is the last time I listen to Dru.”

Deputy Grand Master Telaris had sent Aiden on a mission to the Desert planet of Jakku. Mid-flight, the ship his old master Aiden Drum had recommended to him, malfunctioned. Now he was stranded with no way home to complete his mission. He needed replacement parts for his vessel. Unfortunately for him, the only way he’d get them without paying an outrageous amount of credits, was to scavenge them. After spending a few hours in this ship, Aiden was getting fairly thirsty. He took off his pack, and placed it on the ground. He dug through it to find his canteen and sat down to enjoy a refreshing drink. As he lay his head back against a metal panel and closed his eyes, Aiden decided to relax.

While sitting with his eyes closed, Aiden felt the Force call out to him. Something or someone was near. He pulled out a Beskad blade with his left hand and pointed it down the corridor towards an approaching intruder.

The vague outline resolved into a familiar Miralukan with brown hair and a piece of cloth wrapped around his head, covering the spot where his eyes should have been. This was an Odan-Urr Gray Jedi that Aiden had met in battle in the past. Aiden put the Beskad away, not feeling as threatened.

“Talis, what are you doing here?”

“Aiden Lee Deshra, I thought that was you. Hey could you be a friend and give me those parts? I’m having some engine troubles. You know how it is. I mean, you’re a nice guy, right?”

“Sorry Talis, but I need these parts for my own ship. Now leave, before I'm forced to act on Pravus’s orders. All Odan-Urr clan members are marked for death.”

Talis stopped about ten feet away from Aiden, and let out an annoyed sigh.

“Man, I really thought we could settle this like friends. Oh well.”

Talis stretched out his right hand, and the pack flew up into his grasp. The Miralukan ran down the ochre-lighted hallway. Aiden jumped to his feet and ran after him.

“Get back here, Talis!”

“Sorry, I can’t see you! I mean, hear you!”

Aiden concentrated on building up the Force in the palm of his right hand. Leaping forward, he placed his right hand on the ground, releasing the built up energy. A shock-wave of Force energy rushed out and slammed into Talis. The Odan-Urr Gray Jedi wobbled and hit the metal wall, hard. Aiden walked up to Talis and knelt down.

“I’d love to stay and have some more fun, but I have a mission to finish.”

Aiden grabbed the bag from Talis and took off running headlong down the corridor, following his trail to the exit.

“So that’s how you want to play it, huh tough guy?” the downed Miralukan scoffed.

Talis’ nose bled from hitting the wall like the metal in a baby rattle. He wiped away the blood, glaring in Lee’s direction. The Odanite calmed down and focused on the Force, feeling the energy course through his leg muscles. He rose from the floor cracking his back and neck, relieving the stiffness in his bones. Feeling the power of the Force surging through him, Talis took a breath. Smiling, he launched forward, vaulting through the hallway. He quickly caught up with Aiden and leapt at his opponent, wrapping wrapped his arms around the Taldryan, grappling with him. Aiden stumbled, righting himself as he tried to struggle free, but their strength seemed evenly matched. Releasing Lee from the grapple, Talis grabbed him by the shoulder and hip, throwing him towards, and then through a nearby rusted door.

Aiden crashed through the rusted door and, as he hit the metal floor, he rolled and his blaster clattered out of his holster. The Taldryan Knight came to a stop next to a guardrail, and his blaster slid across the floor next to him, falling off of the ledge. Aiden looked around, seeing that the area he was in happened to be a balcony in a large open hangar. The hangar was barely lit. Only beams of sunlight from small holes in the Star Destroyers' walls brought luminescence to the darkness.

The blaster fell the three stories, clamoring loudly against the hangar floor. Standing up slowly to keep his bearing, Lee noticed a reddening line on his robes. His left arm had been cut by the rusted metal from the door. He felt the slight stinging pain.

Blast, I’ll have to get that looked at quickly, he thought.

Aiden still had the pack. He put it on by sliding the strap over his right shoulder and over his head. Reaching over to his left hip, the Taldryan Knight pulled out his duelist lightsaber. Pressing the red switch, Aiden’s face reflected the glowing Amethyst light of his awakened saber. Talis walked through the smashed doorway, his own Amethyst lightsaber activated.

“Round 2 it is then,” Aiden Lee said with a grin, the thought of battle sending adrenaline surging through his veins.

“It won’t end like last time,” Talis responded.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 27 April, 2016 6:30 PM UTC

Deputy Grand Master Telaris had sent Aiden on a mission to the Desert planet of Jakku. Mid-flight, the ship his old master Aiden Drum had recommended to him, malfunctioned.

Story -- I’m not sure how much I believe that the Deputy Grand Master was sending Journeymen out on hunting missions.

Story -- With the previous point in mind, I like the backstory behind Aiden’s being on Jakku, and the reason he is having to scavenge. Good job!

The vague outline resolved into a familiar Miralukan with brown hair and a piece of cloth wrapped around his head, covering the spot where his eyes should have been. This was an Odan-Urr Gray Jedi that Aiden had met in battle in the past. Aiden put the Beskad away, not feeling as threatened.

Realism -- good demonstration of realism. Well done.

“Aiden Lee Deshra, I thought that was you. Hey could you be a friend and give me those parts? I’m having some engine troubles. You know how it is. I mean, you’re a nice guy, right?”

“Sorry Talis, but I need these parts for my own ship. Now leave, before I'm forced to act on Pravus’s orders. All Odan-Urr clan members are marked for death.”

Story -- this ties in very nicely with the ongoing Brotherhood storyline. Well done!

“Get back here, Talis!”

“Sorry, I can’t see you! I mean, hear you!”

Story -- this exchange, and the preceding section not quoted, seems to be a little too light-hearted. It detracts from the purpose of the writing and makes it less of a battle and more of a caricature of both combatants. This is something I’d try to avoid in the future.

A shock-wave of Force energy rushed out and slammed into Talis.

Syntax -- Good use of Telekinetic Pound, Aiden. Well done. But you need to remember: “Show, Don’t Tell”. The less you use the word ‘Force’ the better. Unless, of course, it’s part of the narrative.

Talis’ nose bled from hitting the wall like the metal in a baby rattle.

Syntax -- stylistically, I would say that this isn’t a great analogy to use.

… wrapping wrapped his arms around the Taldryan, grappling with him.

Syntax -- repetition of ‘wrapping/wrapped’

Realism -- good nod to the +3 in Might for both Talis and Aiden. Well done.

Star Destroyers' walls brought luminescence to the darkness.

Syntax -- semantics, but they’re called bulkheads on a ship, not walls.

Overall -- Very good post, with a particularly nice story which adds breadth and depth to both combatants. It feels three-dimensional, which is exactly what we want from the ACC; strong, enjoyable stories. Well done!

Talis’ mind raced through different battle tactics as he stared down his old foe with his newly constructed lightsaber. The two men were equals and had met on the field prior to this and it had ended poorly for the Miraluka Jedi. Talis wouldn’t be fooled again by Aiden's petty tricks.

Talis took in his surroundings as he reached out during their moment of pause to survey his surroundings. Off to his right was a staircase that led down to the hangar deck below. The terrain evened the odds with the duelist and Talis knew if he could gain that open space and force the human onto a level playing field where he wouldn’t be bottle necked into the fight he could prevail. That would all have to come later after he retrieved the pack of needed parts that his old ship required or his position would surely be relayed to the followers of Grand Master's followers. Talis calmed himself and loosened his grasp on his lightsaber as he began this deadly dance with Aiden.

Talis’ visage became grim as he readied himself for the fight. He pooled the Force into his right palm as he strode towards the raven haired adversary. When he came within striking distance, Talis viciously swung at Aiden bringing the duelists guard up. Talis stopped just short, pulling his shot and tapping the two amethyst sabers together creating a blinding array of sparks accompanied by a loud clashing crack. Talis released the pent up energies of the Force in his right hand and let loose the tendrils of vibrant electricity. The duelist easily adjusted his stance and grounded out the deadly tendrils and turned. Talis ended the bright show of power as quickly as he had begun it. He used this chance to slash the packs strap and kick the Human in the hip, sending him a few steps down the railing to his left. Talis moved in and nabbed the bag and bounded down towards the stairs away from Aiden. As the knight came to the top of the stairs he jumped down to the second landing of the stairs. Aiden closed quickly calling on the Force to fortify his speed and the strength in his legs. He leaped down in front of the Odanite landing dexterously at the foot of the staircase.

“Well it seems someone has not been slacking in his training,” Talis mused, before leaping out into the hangar and landed upon a small drift of sand near a downed ship. The Taldryan again closed the gap but the Miraluka raised his hand motioning for a pause in their fight. Aiden came to a slow, but measured stop a few paces shy of Talis. Talis moved over to the downed ship and placed the parcel of needed parts on a reachable portion of the ship's upper dorsal that had been laid over in the crash.

“To the victor go the spoils,” Talis asked with his hands out wide in a show of non aggression towards the human. Aiden didn’t seem to budge as Talis bowed to his opponent. Talis stepped down to a piece of durasteel floor that had been blown clean by the wind dynamics of the damaged hangar and awaited his opponent. Aiden stepped into the durasteel ring cautiously and came to a stop. He turned his body as he adjusted his footing and curtly raised his lightsaber parallel to the floor. With his elbow slightly bent his aura showed that he was ready for his opponent. Talis unclasped his cloak and let it fall to the floor before kicking it a few paces behind him and loosened some of the wrappings on his left arm. Talis kept a watch on the Taldyran warrior as he prepared himself. Once ready Talis spun his saber in a quick circle and stepped forward. In unison Aiden stepped forward with smooth stab at Talis who acrobatically spun away clashing the two amethyst blades together. Talis leaped up and spun in two tight circles above the duelist that brought consecutive downward slashes at Aiden's head. One strike was intercepted by the duelist's saber but the second hit air as Aiden stepped out of its arc. As Talis landed, he rolled away and heard the hiss of his opponents lightsaber entered the durasteel floor where he had just been crouched, moments before. Talis spun around and pushed off the floor as Aiden closed the difference with a deadly slash at the Knight’s back. Talis spun in the air and landed acrobatically behind Aiden. Now facing away from each other, the two men spun around to meet the enemies opposing slash. The two lightsabers locked with a loud crack and began hissing as the two fighters held their lightsabers still. The only noise echoing through the chamber was the irritated crackling and hissing of the sabers locked in a battle of power.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 27 April, 2016 6:54 PM UTC

The two men were equals and had met on the field prior to this and it had ended poorly for the Miraluka Jedi.

Story and Syntax -- We know that these two have met already based on Aiden’s previous post. This does not need to be explained again. In addition, there is a repetition of the word ‘AND’ in this sentence without the use of an oxford comma, which complicates the sentence.

Talis took in his surroundings as he reached out during their moment of pause to survey his surroundings. Off to his right was a staircase that led down to the hangar deck below. The terrain evened the odds with the duelist and Talis knew if he could gain that open space and force the human onto a level playing field where he wouldn’t be bottle necked into the fight he could prevail. That would all have to come later after he retrieved the pack of needed parts that his old ship required or his position would surely be relayed to the followers of Grand Master's followers. Talis calmed himself and loosened his grasp on his lightsaber as he began this deadly dance with Aiden.

Continuity -- in terms of continuity, this post is exceptional. It drives home all of the points made in Aiden’s last post, and does it in both a subtle and interesting way. Very well done. If there was an opportunity for me to use this as an instruction of how to do continuity right, I certainly would. That said, however, I think the term ‘deadly dance’ is a bit of a cliche…

The duelist easily adjusted his stance and grounded out the deadly tendrils and turned.

Realism and Syntax -- Who is the duelist in this scenario? And what do you mean by ‘grounded out’? I assume you mean Aiden, and that Aiden uses his lightsaber to ground the Force Lightning used by Talis, but this is not explicitly clear. This sentence seems to convolute the overarching paragraph.

“Well it seems someone has not been slacking in his training,” Talis mused, before leaping out into the hangar and landed upon a small drift of sand near a downed ship.

Story and Syntax -- near a downed ship? You’re in the hangar bay of an Imperial Star Destroyer; I doubt there will be many ships inside. If you mean Starfighter, which is likely, I would suggest making that clear so as to not lead the reader into thinking there is a continuity slip.

With his elbow slightly bent his aura showed that he was ready for his opponent.

Syntax -- this sentence is a little off. I would suggest something along the lines of: “Aiden shifted his weight in anticipation. Poised. Lightsaber at the ready. Waiting.”

Talis leaped up and spun in two tight circles above the duelist that brought consecutive downward slashes at Aiden's head. One strike was intercepted by the duelist's saber but the second hit air as Aiden stepped out of its arc. As Talis landed, he rolled away and heard the hiss of his opponents lightsaber entered the durasteel floor where he had just been crouched, moments before. Talis spun around and pushed off the floor as Aiden closed the difference with a deadly slash at the Knight’s back.

Realism -- this passage certainly consists with each of the combatants Character Sheets, and demonstrates a good understanding of how to deploy the information from the CS into flowing prose. Well done!

Overall -- this post, whilst demonstrating some real skill, particularly in its adherence to continuity, seemed a little verbose in parts. It failed to carry forward the story which was so well established in the opening post, and I did not feel any of the banter between the two characters continue into this post, despite Talis’ cocksure and headstrong (Do You Like Apples) personality. Moving forward, I would suggest perhaps looking at how you can incorporate the story more fluidly. The best way, I find, is to view the combat as the skeleton/structure of the post, with the story being the flesh. It gives something more substantial, helping to make the post feel less like combat writing.

The two lightsabers remained engaged together, neither party wanting to give ground to the other. Aiden could feel his breath growing shallower, as the fight was taking too long. Sweat dripped down both warriors faces, illuminated by radiant amethyst light. Even though he was tiring, and he could see that Talis was as well, Aiden couldn’t help but grin. This was the fight he had been wanting for a while now; with an opponent who truly tested his skills.

“Talis, I must say I’m impressed. You’ve come a long way.”

The Odanite smirked at the Taldryan’s statement.

“And you are just as powerful as I remember Lee.”

Aiden used the curved hilt of his lightsaber to leverage Talis’s blade aside, riposting with a fluid thrust towards the Knight’s chest. Talis flinched away on reflex, and began his counter assault. Whirling around, he slashed his blade in a flurry of strikes. Aiden parried when needed, but otherwise, he simply stepped to the side, choosing to not be where the strike would land.

Sparks flew as the sabers clashed, and Talis seemed to be getting faster after each smash. Reveling in the duel, Aiden smiled and watched his opponent closely.

Come on Aiden, just bide your time. Wait for him to slip up, the Taldryan Knight told himself.

Noticing the openings his opponent kept leaving in his cyclonic fury, Aiden decided to act, even if it was a trap. Taking a quick glance around the hangar, he saw something that could very well help him end this fight. Aiden began concentrating, channelling as much Force energy as he could into his left hand.

Ok, Lee, time this just right.

Talis slashed at him again and again, jumping over Aiden, twisting his body in midair to keep attacking as he completed the aerial assault. Aiden parried a blow aimed at his waist, and when Talis jumped and twisted over him again, he seized the moment.

Aiden reached out with his left hand and, with the Force, grabbed ahold of a small scrap of metal that had broken off of a nearby TIE fighter. As Talis descended from the air to the ground, the scrap of metal accelerated towards him and buried itself in his thigh. The Odanite screamed out in pain, landing on the floor and dropping to his knees as his lightsaber fell from his grasp, clattering along the floor as it turned off. Talis began to feel the fatigue overcoming his body from the prolonged lightsaber combat and his aerial maneuvers. Shaking in fury and pain, he glared at the enemy Gray Jedi Knight.

“You coward! What, can’t win in a fair fight?”

“I only fought as you would have. You were in my way Talis, and I must complete my Clan’s request.” Aiden turned away and took a few steps before stopping. “This has been our second encounter. Challenge me again, and you will not make it out alive.”

Walking towards the pack, his lightsaber still active, Aiden left a bleeding Odanite behind him. Talis could feel a rage growing inside of him as electricity crackled at his fingertips. Letting the heat of the moment take over, refusing to let the fight end in his defeat, he yelled out as lightning burst from his hands.

Aiden felt the Force warn him of the impending danger, and spun around, throwing his lightsaber through the air. The amethyst blade seared through the Odanite’s chest, embedding itself to the hilt. The electricity crackled in the air as it hit Aiden, but as the light left Talis’s eyes the Force energy dissipated into thin air.

Aiden forced himself to his feet, his body still shaking from the electrical discharge. Pain racked his bones, forcing him to his knees. After taking the time to channel the Force to regain his self control, Aiden rose and retrieved the pack, willing his lightsaber hilt back into his hand. As Aiden glanced at the lightsaber on the ground, he felt pain. Not only in his body, but in his heart. He hated having to kill Talis, but the Odanite had been warned. Some deaths in pursuit of the Grandmaster's vision were unavoidable. Shaking himself, Aiden couldn’t continue to dwell on the death of the fellow Gray Jedi. He had a mission to finish, and Taldryan needed the intel he had received.

“Time to get off of this junk hole of a planet.”

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 27 April, 2016 7:22 PM UTC

“And you are just as powerful as I remember Lee.”

Realism -- Whilst I get that you’re trying to give Talis due credit for his quick wit and intelligence, I don’t think this is consistent with Talis’ personality trait of “Easy Going ‘Til The Fight Starts”.

Aiden used the curved hilt of his lightsaber to leverage Talis’s blade aside, riposting with a fluid thrust towards the Knight’s chest. Talis flinched away on reflex, and began his counter assault. Whirling around, he slashed his blade in a flurry of strikes. Aiden parried when needed, but otherwise, he simply stepped to the side, choosing to not be where the strike would land.

Realism -- This is an exceptional paragraph for demonstrating the stark differences between Makashi and Ataru. This is a subtle but very effective example of how to use the lightsaber forms to your advantage in your writing. Very well done. I am extremely impressed at your adherence to the character sheets and in your ability to deploy this stark difference so effectively. Well done.

Aiden reached out with his left hand and, with the Force, grabbed ahold of a small scrap of metal that had broken off of a nearby TIE fighter. As Talis descended from the air to the ground, the scrap of metal accelerated towards him and buried itself in his thigh.

Story and Realism -- Good use of both Telekinesis and your surroundings to improve the story. Well done.

“You coward! What, can’t win in a fair fight?”

Realism -- I doubt this is something that Talis would say, given his “Dirty Fighter” Combat Aspect.

Aiden felt the Force warn him of the impending danger, and spun around, throwing his lightsaber through the air. The amethyst blade seared through the Odanite’s chest, embedding itself to the hilt. The electricity crackled in the air as it hit Aiden, but as the light left Talis’s eyes the Force energy dissipated into thin air.

Story and Realism -- good adherence to the Character Sheets, and very well done in your ability to again enhance the story.

Overall -- I was very impressed with this post. It demonstrated a lot of skill in respect of writing and in using the Character Sheets well. What is more, it carried on well from the previous post and, crucially, say the story that manifested itself at the beginning of this fight come all the way through to the conclusion. Well done, Aiden.

The two Knights held their ground, both pushing against one another for a moment. Aiden made the first move, turning his body and his lightsaber, allowing Talis to push past him. Talis used the shift in momentum to fall into a roll. The lithe Miraluka came back to his feet and swatted his adversary's stab wide as he turned to face him.

Talis could feel fatigue beginning to set in as he toyed with his options in his head. He could see frustration welling in Aiden, like a poison spreading through his aura.

Aiden’s mind raced through his options. The last time he had engaged in combat against the Miraluka, he was not so strong of an opponent. Now they stood on the field as equals. Something picked at Aiden’s thoughts as he tried to formulate a plan of action. Maybe he could end it like their last fight and force him into surrendering. The Odanite’s fighting had improved to the point where the two combatants stood toe to toe. The question that poked at the duelist was, had his old opponent improve his defense as much as he had improved his offense?

Aiden began drawing the Force to him. Talis lunged toward Aiden with a downward slash at the side of the Human's neck. The Human stepped to his left, calmed his breathing and waved his hand.

“You will lay down your weapon, and surrender.”

Talis heard Aiden’s voice then felt the tendrils of the Force pushing into his mind. Instead of resisting them fully, he allowed them to take hold. The Odanite came to a sudden halt, as if frozen in place, as he swiped past his foe. His face went blank and his lightsaber deactivated and fell to the floor. Aiden sighed in relief as he deactivated his lightsaber. Talis began immediately fighting his opponent’s intrusion and after a few seconds he had neutralized it. Talis knew he could get his opponent to turn his back to him if the duelist thought he was safe.

“Kneel and stay quiet.”

Talis dropped slowly to his knees and watched as Aiden turned his back to retrieve the parts. A smile spread across his face as he began calling on the Force in both his hands and legs. In one motion, Talis leapt forward and up, summoning forth bright tendrils of blue-green lightning from his hands.

Something called to Aiden as the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. He turned and activated his lightsaber, but the duelist wasn’t in time as Talis’ left hand grabbed the upper part of the hilt of his lightsaber. With his free hand Talis created the closed circuit with the Human’s face, sending excruciating pain down the Taldryan’s head, neck and right arm. Both combatants crashed into the wing hard, stopping them both hard. The two Knights crumpled to the floor in an unconscious heap.

After a few moments Talis sat up first. He groaned in pain as he rolled out of the reach of his enemy. The Miraluka came to a resting position on his knees as he looked at the aura of his unconscious foe. He wasn’t dead, but he was clearly not in the best of conditions. His face was marred with a burnt handprint and his right arm was smoking in spots. His hand was still clenched around his hilt and his hand was charred with open cuts on his knuckles. Talis smiled to himself as he rose to his feet, wincing and looking at his right forearm. The skin was charred and burnt across the top, in a diagonal line, about an inch wide. Talis grimaced as he pulled a piece of his garment off and tied it lightly around his burnt forearm. He turned to his opponent who lay unconscious on the sand, propped awkwardly against the wing they had crashed into. With a regal bow to his fallen foe, Talis began retrieving his lightsaber and the parts he needed from the bag and then dropped the rest at the feet of his enemy. He limped his way up the stairs and out of the hangar, into the darkness of the ship.

~==~

Aiden jolted awake and activated his lightsaber, swinging wildly. His heart was pounding in his ears and his right arm was in an enormous amount of pain. Aiden winced as he deactivated his amethyst blade and pulled his injured arm into himself. After a few moments, the duelist pulled himself together and got to his feet. With a painful groan he retrieved his blaster and the parts bag. Upon inspecting the parts still in the bag, he shook his head and laughed, sending another burst of agony through him.

The only part missing was the one that he didn't need. The Taldryan had picked it up just in case.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 27 April, 2016 7:35 PM UTC

The two Knights held their ground, both pushing against one another for a moment. Aiden made the first move, turning his body and his lightsaber, allowing Talis to push past him. Talis used the shift in momentum to fall into a roll. The lithe Miraluka came back to his feet and swatted his adversary's stab wide as he turned to face him.

Realism -- much like Aiden, you have done a good job of representing the respective lightsaber forms of the combatants. This is admirable. Well done!

like a poison spreading through his aura.

Syntax -- I understand that you like the word ‘aura’...

Aiden’s mind raced through his options. The last time he had engaged in combat against the Miraluka, he was not so strong of an opponent. Now they stood on the field as equals. Something picked at Aiden’s thoughts as he tried to formulate a plan of action. Maybe he could end it like their last fight and force him into surrendering. The Odanite’s fighting had improved to the point where the two combatants stood toe to toe. The question that poked at the duelist was, had his old opponent improve his defense as much as he had improved his offense?

Story -- this is good. It provides a backstory, history. I am impressed. More of this.

Aiden began drawing the Force to him. Talis lunged toward Aiden with a downward slash at the side of the Human's neck. The Human stepped to his left, calmed his breathing and waved his hand.

Realism -- again, good effort in demonstrating the lightsaber forms. Well done.

Talis heard Aiden’s voice then felt the tendrils of the Force pushing into his mind. Instead of resisting them fully, he allowed them to take hold. The Odanite came to a sudden halt, as if frozen in place, as he swiped past his foe. His face went blank and his lightsaber deactivated and fell to the floor. Aiden sighed in relief as he deactivated his lightsaber. Talis began immediately fighting his opponent’s intrusion and after a few seconds he had neutralized it. Talis knew he could get his opponent to turn his back to him if the duelist thought he was safe.

Realism -- Aiden would notice that his Mind Trick was being resisted. This is something you could’ve played on in your text and something you should’ve at the very least highlighted. If there’s one thing you learn when you start out as a writer, it’s that you need to answer all the questions brought about by your writing. This is one such scenario in which a question is raised, and the resolution is a little too convenient.

The only part missing was the one that he didn't need. The Taldryan had picked it up just in case.

Syntax and Story -- I’m not sure whether you mean that Aiden had picked up an additional part to fool Talis into taking it? If so, I would make it more obvious to the reader. That said, it is another convenient plot point which seems a little too conspicuous. I do, however, like your ending.

Overall -- this was all in all a good post. It improved upon the previous post and certainly proved entertaining. There were a couple of convenient plot points and a few errors in the text, but nothing significant. Much like Aiden, you do a good job of writing the nuances of the different lightsaber forms. This is a difficult talent to master, but you definitely seem to have it down. This is a great boon to your writing, so it’s certainly something of which you should be proud!