Ca-Clang-Clang
“Blast!”
The loud clattering of metal hitting metal echoed throughout the silent hallway of the Imperial Star Destroyer. Aiden Lee Deshra, Knight of Taldryan, knelt down to retrieve the fallen power converter, and placed it safely in his pack. Once the converters were put away he continued walking down the dark corridor. The walls of the vast ship were blown apart. Stripped wires stuck out of the holes in the walls. The only source of light came from the trail of green glow rods he left as a path back to the outside desert planet of Jakku.
“This is the last time I listen to Dru.”
Deputy Grand Master Telaris had sent Aiden on a mission to the Desert planet of Jakku. Mid-flight, the ship his old master Aiden Drum had recommended to him, malfunctioned. Now he was stranded with no way home to complete his mission. He needed replacement parts for his vessel. Unfortunately for him, the only way he’d get them without paying an outrageous amount of credits, was to scavenge them. After spending a few hours in this ship, Aiden was getting fairly thirsty. He took off his pack, and placed it on the ground. He dug through it to find his canteen and sat down to enjoy a refreshing drink. As he lay his head back against a metal panel and closed his eyes, Aiden decided to relax.
While sitting with his eyes closed, Aiden felt the Force call out to him. Something or someone was near. He pulled out a Beskad blade with his left hand and pointed it down the corridor towards an approaching intruder.
The vague outline resolved into a familiar Miralukan with brown hair and a piece of cloth wrapped around his head, covering the spot where his eyes should have been. This was an Odan-Urr Gray Jedi that Aiden had met in battle in the past. Aiden put the Beskad away, not feeling as threatened.
“Talis, what are you doing here?”
“Aiden Lee Deshra, I thought that was you. Hey could you be a friend and give me those parts? I’m having some engine troubles. You know how it is. I mean, you’re a nice guy, right?”
“Sorry Talis, but I need these parts for my own ship. Now leave, before I'm forced to act on Pravus’s orders. All Odan-Urr clan members are marked for death.”
Talis stopped about ten feet away from Aiden, and let out an annoyed sigh.
“Man, I really thought we could settle this like friends. Oh well.”
Talis stretched out his right hand, and the pack flew up into his grasp. The Miralukan ran down the ochre-lighted hallway. Aiden jumped to his feet and ran after him.
“Get back here, Talis!”
“Sorry, I can’t see you! I mean, hear you!”
Aiden concentrated on building up the Force in the palm of his right hand. Leaping forward, he placed his right hand on the ground, releasing the built up energy. A shock-wave of Force energy rushed out and slammed into Talis. The Odan-Urr Gray Jedi wobbled and hit the metal wall, hard. Aiden walked up to Talis and knelt down.
“I’d love to stay and have some more fun, but I have a mission to finish.”
Aiden grabbed the bag from Talis and took off running headlong down the corridor, following his trail to the exit.
“So that’s how you want to play it, huh tough guy?” the downed Miralukan scoffed.
Talis’ nose bled from hitting the wall like the metal in a baby rattle. He wiped away the blood, glaring in Lee’s direction. The Odanite calmed down and focused on the Force, feeling the energy course through his leg muscles. He rose from the floor cracking his back and neck, relieving the stiffness in his bones. Feeling the power of the Force surging through him, Talis took a breath. Smiling, he launched forward, vaulting through the hallway. He quickly caught up with Aiden and leapt at his opponent, wrapping wrapped his arms around the Taldryan, grappling with him. Aiden stumbled, righting himself as he tried to struggle free, but their strength seemed evenly matched. Releasing Lee from the grapple, Talis grabbed him by the shoulder and hip, throwing him towards, and then through a nearby rusted door.
Aiden crashed through the rusted door and, as he hit the metal floor, he rolled and his blaster clattered out of his holster. The Taldryan Knight came to a stop next to a guardrail, and his blaster slid across the floor next to him, falling off of the ledge. Aiden looked around, seeing that the area he was in happened to be a balcony in a large open hangar. The hangar was barely lit. Only beams of sunlight from small holes in the Star Destroyers' walls brought luminescence to the darkness.
The blaster fell the three stories, clamoring loudly against the hangar floor. Standing up slowly to keep his bearing, Lee noticed a reddening line on his robes. His left arm had been cut by the rusted metal from the door. He felt the slight stinging pain.
Blast, I’ll have to get that looked at quickly, he thought.
Aiden still had the pack. He put it on by sliding the strap over his right shoulder and over his head. Reaching over to his left hip, the Taldryan Knight pulled out his duelist lightsaber. Pressing the red switch, Aiden’s face reflected the glowing Amethyst light of his awakened saber. Talis walked through the smashed doorway, his own Amethyst lightsaber activated.
“Round 2 it is then,” Aiden Lee said with a grin, the thought of battle sending adrenaline surging through his veins.
“It won’t end like last time,” Talis responded.
Story -- I’m not sure how much I believe that the Deputy Grand Master was sending Journeymen out on hunting missions.
Story -- With the previous point in mind, I like the backstory behind Aiden’s being on Jakku, and the reason he is having to scavenge. Good job!
Realism -- good demonstration of realism. Well done.
Story -- this ties in very nicely with the ongoing Brotherhood storyline. Well done!
Story -- this exchange, and the preceding section not quoted, seems to be a little too light-hearted. It detracts from the purpose of the writing and makes it less of a battle and more of a caricature of both combatants. This is something I’d try to avoid in the future.
Syntax -- Good use of Telekinetic Pound, Aiden. Well done. But you need to remember: “Show, Don’t Tell”. The less you use the word ‘Force’ the better. Unless, of course, it’s part of the narrative.
Syntax -- stylistically, I would say that this isn’t a great analogy to use.
Syntax -- repetition of ‘wrapping/wrapped’
Realism -- good nod to the +3 in Might for both Talis and Aiden. Well done.
Syntax -- semantics, but they’re called bulkheads on a ship, not walls.
Overall -- Very good post, with a particularly nice story which adds breadth and depth to both combatants. It feels three-dimensional, which is exactly what we want from the ACC; strong, enjoyable stories. Well done!