Neophyte Zujenia vs. Hunter TheGeosh

Neophyte Zujenia

Journeyman 1, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Force Disciple, Shadow
vs.

Hunter TheGeosh

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Tarentum
Male Falleen, Sith, Seeker, Krath
Comment

The point of the Journeyman Tournament is to find our next generation of great ACCers. based on this match, I think we've succeeded. Both of you have a bright future here, and I hope to see many more matches from each of you. Practice your writing, read other battles, and always feel free to contact the ACC staff with any questions or comments. While you both did well, Zujenia is the winner.

Geosh, you may have lost this match, but you have good instincts. Keep practicing! Develop your stories a little more and have your friends give you feedback. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Zujenia, we will watch your career with great interest. You've got a lot of talent and, it seems, a good amount of writing experience. Keep writing and challenge people who can test your skills. And good luck in the next round!

Hall Journeyman Tourney [2016]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Neophyte Zujenia, Hunter TheGeosh
Winner Neophyte Zujenia
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Neophyte Zujenia's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter TheGeosh's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 26 April, 2016 9:27 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Geosh Romanae Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Protip: good writers have good editors. Get your friends and Clanmates to proofread your writing. If they catch it, you can fix it. If I catch it, it hurts your score. You want them to find an errors before your writing gets to me. Rationale: The first post, as far as I can tell, was absolutely flawless. The final post only had the one inconsistency with using a space after ellipses.
Story - 40%
Geosh Romanae Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: This was good, but typical of the ACC. Rationale: Your final post, in particular, was excellent. It's always tricky writing a truly moving story with a character you're not as familiar with. I think you could definitely manage a 5 writing against an opponent you have an in-character connection with.
Realism - 25%
Geosh Romanae Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: There's a lot to keep in mind when writing Force Powers. Refer to the guide and make sure you're clear on the limitations. Other than Force Cloak, you handled the character sheets fine. Rationale: No errors spotted.
Continuity - 20%
Geosh Romanae Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors spotted. Rationale: No errors spotted.
Geosh Romanae's Score: 3.65 Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna's Score: 4.6
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Shadows darted across vine covered walls, disturbing the eerie green and violet light upon them. Winged creatures took flight from their roosts atop the carved, bowing statues in response. They rose over the massive hall and, from their view, one could see the entire layout of the Dark Temple’s ruins. A large statue presided at the front of the hall, arms outstretched with the confidence of a Sith. Below his feet, grasses and shrubs grew through the many cracks in the old stone floor. Tall, towering pillars stood erect behind the carved figures, though time and gravity had upended a few to rest against the floor or one another.

It was behind one pillar that a figure scurried. Taking cover, Zujenia pressed her shoulder against the stone. Its cold surface sent a shiver across her mottled skin. The white haired half-Ryn inhaled deeply, attempting to lower her quickened heart rate. The haunting aura of Dromund Kaas was starting to unnerve her.

Bright lights passed by the decaying holes of the building as the sound of a craft landing echoed through the open space of the temple. A moment passed before Zujenia decided to steal a glance out, her amber eyes falling upon a silhouette in the entry. It approached further into the hall, the light shifting off the figure as the ship maneuvered from the building. She could now make out a pale, green skinned man dressed in a well-tailored suit, an odd contrast to the forest-laden ruins. His head was held high as he scanned the room, shoulders drawn back with a confidence that seeped into his stride.

Wonderful, company is here, she thought dryly. Her eyebrows furrowed in a mixture of annoyance and uneasiness. Zujenia was starting to regret taking that foolish dare to retrieve a holocron from Dromund Kaas, a feat her superiors had been badgering each other about before she chimed in behind them. As soon as they dropped her off, however, they turned the shuttle and booked it through the atmosphere like a pair of yellow-bellies would.

Those milksops better be coming back. Soon. She swallowed, a last act to gather her wits. She brushed aside the tendril of fear, determined to prove herself worthy of the Shadow Clan, and shifted the strap of her Tuskan Cycler across her chest.

A blue gaze crossed near the pillar she was settled behind. Zujenia quickly ducked back, aware her platinum hair could give away her position in this light. She held her breath, listening for footsteps coming closer. When they continued on to the side, she exhaled in relief. Zujenia creeped to the end of the pillar after picking her electrostaff up from the floor, pausing near the jagged, broken end. The man was heading to the front of the hall, the exact location she expected the holocron to be. Holding back a growl, she caught a glimpse of what looked like a lightsaber strapped to his belt.

Let’s not tangle with that, shall we, she thought.

She narrowed her eyes in concentration as she called upon the Force to shift the shadows and light around herself. Within several heartbeats, Zujenia vanished from sight. Slowly, she slinked forward behind the pillars, her hand brushing softly against them as she passed. The half-Ryn neared the Falleen, who was currently admiring the Sith statue, and halted a few meters away. A moment passed before she realized she was hesitating. Shifting her hands for a sturdier grip on her staff, she launched herself forward. Her force-fueled sprint ate the distance between them, and her hidden veil dissipated as she activated the stunning ends of the staff. Purple strands of lightning encircled the metal, arcing through the air as Zujenia brought forth a downward blow.

The staff struck against the stone floor as the Falleen rolled to the side. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he was up, jumping back and onto a crumbled stone. He raised his face towards her, a cocky smile perched upon his lips. He brushed back a ponytail of striking blond hair before placing his right hand upon his saber.

“I was wondering when you would step out to play, lovely,” he remarked suavely. His blue eyes settled on her with a superior air as Zujenia straightened her back. An eyebrow raised when the half-Ryn slid her left foot back, leveling her electrostaff to the ground. “Oh? Little mutt, you don’t possess the skill to fight me. Sit there and take in the scenery, girl. Perhaps I’ll take you out for a good time when I’ve finished my business.”

The young woman’s eyes widened, mesmerized by the slight sway in his hips. A drip of drool slipped from her mouth before, with a bat of her eyelashes, she shook her head vigorously. Brows snapping together in a glare, Zujenia’s nose crinkled as her lips set into a hard line. She spat towards the ground, maintaining her iron stare. Shifting her weight, she fought back the urge to whack that vile smirk off his face. Instead she remained quiet, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of a verbal response. All thoughts of the holocron were brushed aside. The only concern she had right now was dealing with this self-righteous scum.

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 30 April, 2016 3:08 AM UTC

Syntax:
No errors spotted. That's very rare to see, so excellent work.

Story:
First posts about about setting the stage and providing you and your opponent with the building blocks to construct a good story across all three/four posts. You definitely set the mood effectively, and provided a plausible reason for conflict. Let's see what you two do with it over the rest of the match.

Realism:
No errors spotted.

Continuity:
No errors spotted.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I too intimidating? Poor girl, you must hold so much hatred in your petite feral heart... I wonder, is there anything that mouldered your soul into becoming the lonely thing you are now? I can almost feel there is so much more of you behind that insincere mask you seem to wear everyday", said the Falleen after he silently climbed down and carefully stepped away of the crumbled stone.

"What for, young man? Nothing can erase the past or tear apart the memories, nothing can undo all the evil that has been done and nothing will ever matter for anyone. You do not know half of the truth I have always thought - or been told - that was a lie, so why the sudden interest? Do you actually believe you can win me over using some tasteless sentimental speech? You go flutter your gorgeous eyelashes somewhere else, kid", said Zujenia gradually raising her voice. After no echo of her voice could be heard anymore, the Gray Neophyte cautiously began to turn sideways, placing her anxiously clenched fist in front of her chest, waiting for any incoming attack originated by the Falleen.

"Look, I just wanted to show you how close we already are, only by judging after each other's own... never mind, you've turned out to be just another uneducated bigot teenage girl that happened to play with her dolls around the Dark Temple Ruins", said TheGeosh wrinkled his brow, disgusted of his earlier beliefs about the half-Ryn. "Let's see what you've got!"

The Hunter started to hypnotically move his hips, arms and legs, in an eye-catching fluid motion. "Are y... are you dancing? Or is this your mating ritual?" asked Zujenia bursting in an insatiable laugh for quite a few moments.

TheGeosh closed his eyes in concentration, becoming more and more aware of the space around him, paying attention to every single detail his sense could detect while still moving his limbs at the pace of his deep, heavy breath. In a split second he called upon the Force and vanished in the shadows, leaving behind only vague traces of his irresistible scent.

The half-Ryn immediately ducked near the closest wall and reached for her electro staff. If he catches me off guard now, I'm as good as dead, admits Zujenia, keeping an eye on the blurred reflection of the wall that started to tremble. She entered her sphere of awareness by calling upon the Force and instantly sensed the Falleen right in front of her; she darted in with her vibro sword several times and hit the Hunter right in the chest with moderate power, but causing unexpected elation inside the Neophyte's mind, relieved that she didn't fear him anymore. All in, told herself, not wanting to hide any part of her enormous sudden smile. All in.

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 30 April, 2016 3:37 AM UTC

Syntax:

that insincere mask you seem to wear everyday[,"] said the Falleen

Commas go inside the quotes in prose like this.

cautiously began to turn sideways, placing her anxiously clenched fist in front of her chest, waiting for any incoming attack originated by the Falleen.

So many people would write something about "a defensive stance" here. You didn't. You actually showed me what the character was doing and made it easy for me to visualize. Keep doing this!

around the Dark Temple Ruins[."] TheGeosh wrinkled his brow, disgusted [by] his earlier beliefs about the half-Ryn.

You could fix this a few other ways.

I'm as good as dead, admit[ed] Zujenia,

All in, [she] told herself,

Story:
Coming into this post, we knew why Zujenia was there, and we were set up for a conflict. You didn't give us any more about TheGeosh's motives for being there, and the fight didn't get underway until the very last paragraph. Pushing almost all of the combat to the final post is risky, and really puts pressure on the story.

Think about all of the fight scenes in the Star Wars movies. Very little of the time is spent on conversation, and it's generally punchy and to the point, sprinkled in at dramatic intervals. The exceptions are at the end of RotJ and RotS, where you have a lot of back-and-forth. That's generally a good model to follow for pacing. Here TheGeosh talks for a while, and then Zujenia talks for a while, and then TheGeosh talks for a while. This could be more dynamic.

It's not a bad post at all, but Story is a huge chunk of your score and you really want to bring your A game in future posts.

Realism:

In a split second he called upon the Force and vanished in the shadows, leaving behind only vague traces of his irresistible scent.

Several issues with this. Refer to the Force Powers guide. You need to be immobile, and instantaneous vanishing doesn't happen until +4.

instantly sensed the Falleen right in front of her

How? She doesn't have any powers or feats that would allow her to do this.

she darted in with her vibro sword several times

She just grabbed her staff - why is she hitting him with her sword??

Continuity:
No errors spotted.

Zujenia’s eyelids fluttered open, her gaze attempting to fixate on the weathered ceiling high above. Her muscles reeled, her nerves sparking as if on fire. Heavy pounding assaulted her temples as the half-Ryn moved to an upright position. She raised a hand against her forehead, regretting the abrupt movement when she winced as the touch irritated dried lacerations on her palm. Removing it from her face to examine it, she shifted in her seat as she did so. A small clatter sounded as a thin, sharp blade fell from the folds of her pants, its surface tainted with blood. Through her painful haze, Zujenia barely recognized it as the bayonet she usually has attached to her cycler. She carefully picked it up, analysing the broken attachment.

Blood, b-but it can’t be mine. The wounds on her right hand were too few and shallow to have coated the metal blade. Her gut knotted as fear began to sink its roots in. Turning her head, her amber eyes sank to an unmoving body sprawled only a couple meters away. Its dapper garb was now covered in dirt and tears, blood seeped into the bleached pigment of its shirt. Bits of memories wove their way through the turmoil in her mind.

She recalled a hard surface pressed against her back as she heard her blood beating in her ears. The Falleen had disappeared during a moment of distraction, leaving Zujenia uneasily on guard as the pheromones continued their raid within her body. Sweat had pooled upon her skin and she had reached for her electrostaff, gripping the cylindric barrel. The half-Ryn had shifted her right shoulder, placing her stance sideways as she held a bayonet-mounted Tuskan Cycler in front of her, her feverous state leaving her oblivious to the mix up. She hadn’t wanted to die there, to lose before she began. Zujenia had only started carving her own story when she had left her parents. Devastated remorse had filled her as it dawned on the trembling woman that her folks might never see her again.

Suddenly, a shimmer of light had shifted in front of her, revealing her assailant. She’d lashed out, the bayonet nicking his side before his arms could block. Then, Zujenia had stumbled a few paces, righting herself and pivoting, blinking with wide eyes. She had injured him, lips drawn back in a snarl as something primeval forced its way through the fearful and pheromonic fever. Her muscles had tensed, her foot pushing against the ground, propelling her forward in a whirlwind of slashes and bashes. She wouldn’t die there, no, she would survive, live...and then darkness had fallen.

Zujenia shook her head, focusing in on the present. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she scrambled on her hands and knees to the downed Falleen. She hovered above him, arms outstretched, unsure what to do with the several bleeding gashes across his torso. She placed her hands upon him, calling on the Force, praying for its aid in healing his wounds. The half-Ryn removed her hands only to find her own cuts scabbing over. Jaw clenched, she clawed at her vest, unwrapping it and pressing it hard to against the Falleen trying to staunch the bleeding.

A red-stained hand grabbed her wrist. She turned with a jolt, encountering the wild glare the man centered on her. She tried to pull back as he coughed, blood sputtering from his mouth, his grip tightening with all the might he could muster.

“YOU! You will--” he hacked wetly, “pay f-for this! If I’m... going to d-die, mongrel...you shall too!” the Sith hollered, body racked by a deep coughing fit. He shakily raised his hand, crackling violet with electricity as he called the Force to his fingertips. The hair raised on Zujenia’s back as the Force sent her a wave of warning, her quick reflexes acting as she flung herself several meters away, rolling brutally onto her discarded slugthrower. Lighting clawed the air, electrocuting anything near the Falleen, including him.

Zujenia lifted her head, squinting her right eye shut as a gash above it bled. The smell of burnt flesh assaulted her nose, causing her to recoil, gagging. What the hell? He just...What have I done? she thought as she wiped the vomit from her mouth. Her eyes widened when another bout of heaving razed through her. Faint footsteps echoed quickly through the temple muffled by the drumming in her ears. Strong hands grabbed her shoulders, pulling the half-Ryn up. “Zujenia! Zujenia, it’s okay. Let’s go,” a firm voice addressed her as a familiar face dragged her away towards the floodlit entry. Milksops... she watched another figure poke a foot at the corpse. W-why didn’t you come sooner?

She fainted, limp against the man guiding her.

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 30 April, 2016 4:03 AM UTC

Syntax:
Put a space after your ellipses. To be honest, I wouldn't have said anything if you didn't, but you were inconsistent about it. Consistency is key. Otherwise, I didn't see any issues with your Syntax.

Story:
The transition from TheGeosh's post was a bit abrupt, but once I realized where you were going with it, I think it worked - mostly. In general, I'm a big fan of unconventional takes on an ACC match. It's not that the inside-out chronology didn't work, it's that it wasn't necessary.

What I loved about this post is the creeping horror that builds up as Zujenia realizes the full impact of her actions. The attempt to heal him, TheGeosh's very Sith-like reaction, and especially that ending. That is what you want to emphasize. Playing around with time like a Tarantino movie is a good trick, but make sure tricks like that don't end up gilding the lily.

Realism:

The half-Ryn removed her hands only to find her own cuts scabbing over. This is a bit exaggerated for +1, though it's not something I'd ding you for since the power is explicitly not working per the character's intention or to her benefit.

Continuity:
No errors spotted.

The Hunter began to grunt as he laid on the ground; it felt like time suddenly dilated and he could almost feel the blood rushing from the heart to his limbs and back. Due to the fact that he could not breathe properly, Geosh started to cough and his attempt to stand up was immediately ruined by the thought his lungs were injured. He fell on his knees, coughed again in his hand, looked for some blood and he was more than relieved to find out it was clean. I guess I freaked out for nothing, come on, I'm better than that! Becoming aware that his mental state was improving, he started to pay more attention to Zujenia's silhouette. She's great, now I feel bad for underestimating her. In a blink of an eye he did a back flip, reached for his Armory Lightsaber in mid air and landed on a rock behind him. "Do you want to play? Follow me.", said The Hunter heading towards the temple's gate.

Zujenia was still elated thinking about her successful strike. I must not lose my focus, there is still more until I take him down for real, told herself slowly reaching for her Tuskan Cycler. She then proceeded to follow Geosh, leaping in the air using the Force, jumping on the same rocks, trying to close the gap between them. She was impressed by The Hunter's acrobatic skills and began to scan the area to get in position for a direct shot with her rifle. He's heading to the roof, I shouldn't lose time here. So she was back on her feet, running after the Fallen who was already on top of the sculpture that made Dromund Kaas famous. She took a moment and admired the dark, violet hue of the panorama, trying to find a way to trick Geosh; she called upon the Force and rendered herself invisible, trying to sneak and take advantage of The Hunter's weak strategy. In seconds, she was almost behind him.

The Journeyman sensed her and tried to attack Zujenia with his Lightsaber, but it was too late; the half-Ryn shot her rifle, hit the Journeyman in the foot and blew his limb off, pushing the Hunter towards the cliff while he was falling. Geosh barely managed to hold to the cliff with one hand, holding his lightsaber with the other.

"Are you too proud to save your own life and drop your saber, punk?" yelled Zujenia without mercy. "What can I see then, The Hunter had just been hunted". She approached Geosh and offered her hand. "Come one, drop your weapon, I won't let you die. Just grab my hand, will you?"

Geosh dropped his lightsaber and reached for her hand. He grabbed her an both fell from the cliff.

Moff Alethia Archenksova, 30 April, 2016 4:42 AM UTC

Syntax:

The Hunter began to grunt as he [fell to] the ground;

This is a suggestion, not a ding.

"Do you want to play? Follow me[,"] said the Hunter

If you were just ending the sentence at me, you could end it with a period as usual. Because the sentence continues with said the Hunter, the period changes to a comma. Whether you use a period or a comma - and you should only use one - it needs to go inside your ending quotation mark.

You do this a few times in each post. In English (unless you're writing a computer program), punctuation goes inside quotes.

running after the Falle[e]n

Story:
The avoided the main temptation of the ACC: always wanting your character to win. This was a good start, but I would have liked to see you develop it more. Geosh runs, and then Zujenia catches him. There was room for a few encounters to build tension before she blew his foot off.

Realism:

she called upon the Force and rendered herself invisible, trying to sneak and take advantage of The Hunter's weak strategy. In seconds, she was almost behind him.

She approached Geosh and offered her hand

I'm having trouble visualizing this. Geosh is up on a statue. Zujenia sneaks around behind him, on the ground, and shoots at him. Geosh stumbles, but he's still up on the statue. So does Zujenia climb up it?

Continuity:
No errors spotted.