Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor vs. Warrior Delak Krennel

Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
vs.

Warrior Delak Krennel

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

Overall

Overall, I have to say that both combatants put up a reasonable fight. I have to admit, I was expecting a little more from a Funderdome match. They provide the opportunity for some very good storytelling, and a lot of lateral, creative thinking. I don't think this was fully taken advantage of by either combatant.

Lexic -- There were a couple of issues with your posts which suspended belief and made me re-read to get the picture. That said, you did a relatively good job of setting the scene and providing a good amount of story to substantiate your posts. On the whole, a pretty good attempt - well done.

Delak -- There were elements of your storytelling and syntax which really detracted from your posts. My only advice would be to take your time in writing your posts, and trust your instincts. I think I said this in my comments above, but I'll say it again: sometimes short, sharp, snappy sentences are much more effective than long ones. Similarly, books are your friend. You will learn a significant amount by just reading a couple of novels and studying how to compile solid pieces of prose and deploy them effectively.

Well done to you both, and I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future!

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor, Warrior Delak Krennel
Winner Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Delak Krennel's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nal Hutta: Winter Palace
Last Post 30 May, 2016 7:12 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Qor Kith Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: There were only a couple of minor issues with Syntax is Lexic's posts, but the rest was pretty consistent. Well done! Rationale: A number of errors and areas of confusion which detracted from the overall story and impeded the smooth reading of posts. It is for this reason -- that the story was held up because of syntactical errors -- that Delak has been marked 3 over 4.
Story - 40%
Qor Kith Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Lexic's posts were largely good in their ability to convey the story, and there was elements of creative thinking, especially in the final post, which helped to raise Lexic's game and establish something beyond the mechanics of the ACC and more into the realms of backstory and history between the characters. Rationale: For all intents and purposes, Delak was able to tell a solid and comprehensive story about the battle. Delak's posts, however, did not go beyond the confines of the ACC mechanic. There was very little in terms of backstory or development between the characters, which is probably one of the prime focuses of the Funderdome.
Realism - 25%
Qor Kith Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Both combatants pushed the limits of what would be considered 'reasonable' in their posts, with a number of Force powers being used in both of the combatants posts throughout the match. This does not, however, detract from the story, and I'm content that these uses were not to the detriment of the posts. To that end, a 4 for both shall suffice! Rationale: Both combatants pushed the limits of what would be considered 'reasonable' in their posts, with a number of Force powers being used in both of the combatants posts throughout the match. This does not, however, detract from the story, and I'm content that these uses were not to the detriment of the posts. To that end, a 4 for both shall suffice!
Continuity - 20%
Qor Kith Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Both combatants exhibited good continuity throughout their posts with only a few elements of suspended belief. On the whole, well done! Rationale: Both combatants exhibited good continuity throughout their posts with only a few elements of suspended belief. On the whole, well done!
Qor Kith's Score: 4.0 Tribune Kanal O'neill's Score: 3.45
Posts

Nal Hutta Winter Palace

Seated within the Glorious Jewel of the Hutts, the Winter Palace is situated on a remote island near the planet’s equator. Although blanketed with the pollution from Hutt industry, its location makes the climate hot and humid. Surrounded with trees and vines, it could be considered to be a paradise, even among the barren wasteland of Nal Hutta. Outside of the Winter Palace, a network of sewer pipes transfer the waste from the palace to wherever seems far enough to dump into the oceans surrounding the island. Flora and fauna that have adapted to the Hutt’s environmental changes thrive in the polluted forests surrounding the Winter Palace.

Stepping through its gilded gates, the lavish interior serves as the main audience chamber. Once belonging to the wealth of Jiliac Desilijic Tiron, the gleaming stone of the main aisle leads up to a Hutt’s dais lined with an expensive carpet. Beautiful tapestries line the high walls, telling of the sordid histories of those who woven them, awaiting execution in Jiliac’s dungeons.

Finally, the antechamber to the "throne" room is illuminated from above with high-skylighted ceilings. Constructed from lightly colored stone, the antechamber might have been where the late Hutt entertained his guests before an audience with spice and exotic dancers. In the hands of the Hutt Kajidics, however, these traditions have continued as the Winter Palace now serves as a front for criminal and business ventures that come and go.

The Winter Palace on Nal Hutta was hotter than the planet itself. The cooling systems clearly were not in working order as Delak strolled into the antechamber to the throne room where he was set to meet up with Lexiconus. The antechamber was relatively small in Hutt standards because it was only big enough to hold one at a time. They must have used this just as a quick pass through to the Throne which helped to protect them from anyone trying to rush in and kill the ruling Hutt. Delak took position in the doorway and sat down cross legged waiting for the Quarren. Delak wondered how his Quaestor was faring in this hot and humid weather. Being an alien from a planet with water this lack of water and moisture in the air had to be killing him. This could be of great help to Delak in the future, it is something that he would keep in mind.

After having waited around twenty minutes, galactic standard time, Lexiconus finally arrived in the Palace. He looked to be a little out of breath but Delak paid it no mind for the time being.

“Greetings Quaestor, what kept you?” Delak snarked.

“Well this planet is no vacation spot and my shuttle was delayed.” Lexiconus replied trying to hide his obvious issues with the weather.

“So I guess this area is too small for anything, throne room then?” Delak suggested quickly.

“Indeed. That should do nicely for this meeting. Let us begin.”

Lexiconus was followed closely by Delak into the throne room of the Hutt’s. The smell of rotting skin was still present in the room years after the last Hutt had used the room. The slimy worm would’ve been sitting here hosting his guests and having a grand time. However one evening the Hutt managed to upset one of his enemies and they took him out. Delak could feel the reverberations of the Force in this room, the Dark Side was strong here. He began to draw on its power as he and Lexic got ready for their duel.

Lexiconus stood tall staring deep into his enemy’s eyes. He was not expecting an easy fight especially with how the air was treating his body. He would push through and give Delak a fight he would not soon forget. Delak took his place directly across from his Quaestor. He unclipped his Lightsaber from his belt and ignited it with a snap-hiss. His blade hummed to life like a hyperdrive humming in hyperspace. It was perfect, beautiful in fact. The red saber lit up the room with a bright glow, as bright as the sun it seemed. Lexiconus took his cue and pulled out his Lightsaber and ignited it with the white blade cutting into the red glow as if the colors themselves were fighting each other. Both men dropped into defensive postures before they launched at each other. Delak knew he was the better saberist and his background in Teras Kasi would surely help him in a fight. Delak allowed Lexiconus to make the first move. Lexiconus launched at Delak with his blade while Delak blocked the first attack and the sabers clashed together with the sound of buzzing and a shower of sparks.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 10 June, 2016 6:15 PM UTC

The antechamber was relatively small in Hutt standards because it was only big enough to hold one at a time. They must have used this just as a quick pass through to the Throne which helped to protect them from anyone trying to rush in and kill the ruling Hutt. Delak took position in the doorway and sat down cross legged waiting for the Quarren. Delak wondered how his Quaestor was faring in this hot and humid weather. Being an alien from a planet with water this lack of water and moisture in the air had to be killing him. This could be of great help to Delak in the future, it is something that he would keep in mind.

Syntax -- These first few sentences seem a little sloppy; you demonstrate a lot of repetition with your wording, and you have missed out on a couple of punctuation marks, which detracts from your post and causes the reader to stumble, rather than glide, over the words.


Delak wondered how his Quaestor was faring in this hot and humid weather. Being an alien from a planet with water this lack of water and moisture in the air had to be killing him.

Story and Realism -- I can see what you're doing in the wider paragraph, setting the scene and trying to expand the post to become a more believable story. That's great, but you need to get the basics down first. One step at a time. In this case, you state one thing in your first sentence, and say something completely different in your second. Moisture/water in the air is humidity, so this passage is a juxtaposition in and of itself. This is a shame because it impacts on the storytelling. The fact that you make a point of noting this falsehood down in the following sentence also detracts heavily from the storytelling.


After having waited around twenty minutes, galactic standard time, Lexiconus finally arrived in the Palace. He looked to be a little out of breath but Delak paid it no mind for the time being.

Syntax -- You don't need to state the unit of time you are using - it only detracts from the text.


Lexiconus stood tall staring deep into his enemy’s eyes. He was not expecting an easy fight especially with how the air was treating his body.

Realism and Continuity -- Unfortunately this continued focus on Lexic's race and the false pretence that he struggles out of water is another mark against Realism and Continuity as it is not in-keeping with Lexic's character, nor is it consistent with the introductory post of the battle.


His blade hummed to life like a hyperdrive humming in hyperspace. It was perfect, beautiful in fact. The red saber lit up the room with a bright glow, as bright as the sun it seemed. Lexiconus took his cue and pulled out his Lightsaber and ignited it with the white blade cutting into the red glow as if the colors themselves were fighting each other. Both men dropped into defensive postures before they launched at each other.

Syntax and Story -- Now this is good. This is very good. Good sentence structure, striking prose. well done! It really helps bolster your storytelling!


Delak knew he was the better saberist and his background in Teras Kasi would surely help him in a fight. Delak allowed Lexiconus to make the first move.

Realism -- Good adherence to both Character Sheets, but remember show, don't tell! This is one of the most fundamental lessons to be learned in the ACC. Demonstrate how your Character excels in some areas and falls short in others through your use of description and your ability to tell a story, don't allow yourself to fall into the somewhat lazy trap of telling the reader what you think they should know. It's part of the fun of both reading and writing; figuring out part of the story, and being able to let people figure out the key parts of the story by writing a passage well.

In a brilliant show of illumination, both lightsabers fused and grinded as the Battlemaster and Warrior locked eyes, a silver aura growing between them. Their determined gazes mirroring each other, it was Qor who shoved off the lock first. His clumsy lightsaber work forced his dominant hand to drop from defense and Delak went for the opening. The Warrior jumped into the air with his lightsaber pointed at the Quarren, a harsh push from the Force rolled Qor from the attack. Whipping his lightsaber back up in an efficient defensive move, Delak rebounded into another strike on the Battlemaster’s lower defense. Weaving his crimson blade against the Battlemaster’s deflections and tight coils, Delak instinctively continued. With shaking arms and sweat pouring from his face, Qor felt the plea from the Force to act now. The Battlemaster’s hand shot up and a surge of the dark side boomed out, catapulting the Warrior across the empty throne room.

“Have a nice flight!” Qor mocked, seizing the moment to rise and form his protective stance again. Crashing and smashing of ceramic pots and marble stands echoed the room, as Delak cursed non-stop. The Battlemaster took the moment to talk about current affairs.

“So, I heard we’ve got a squadron of new fighters coming in soon. Is that a gift the System Moff sent?” The Quarren shouted out, trying to outdo the ringing sound of grinding stone and metal on the floor. Chuckling to himself at the clumsy footwork of Delak, he patiently waited for a reply.

“How would I know before you? The Twi’lek doesn’t speak to me, makes more sense to approach you first.” As the leader of Shadow Guard, he took all orders from Qor with high respect and honours, but this wasn’t the time for dialogue. Weaving his lightsaber slowly through the air, Qor awaited for the Warrior to stumble back over, patiently waiting for an opening. The pair slowly circled, their sabers overhead as their weaker hands almost touched from the identical techniques used by both. Ever the silent saberist, the Warrior patiently waited for his opening, while the Battlemaster smirked with another cunning plan in mind. As quick as he could, the Quarren jumped forward and snatched the Human’s soft hand, clasping it tightly. But Delak knew what he was doing and shoved him quickly away, advancing with some warning strikes. The Battlemaster seized the moment, sliding his silver blade into the Warrior’s warning strike, he parried it away and sent a quick warning jab into Delak’s face. With a soft smirk, he opened his weaker palm again.

“Grow wings already!” He yelled as Delak was fumbling backwards from the imminent danger. But it was too late, shooting his arm forwards with the aid of the Force, the Battlemaster sent Delak flying further than before. His writhing body swooped up into the air and smashed into the crystal of the skylight, shattering glass raining into the throne room. The Force dragged Qor’s body to run from the danger, as he twisted and jumped into a nearby alcove. With glass grazing and cutting at his legs, the Battlemaster slid and slammed into the cold stone wall. With a sickening and loud thud, Delak’s body fell to the throne room floor, writhing and cursing to himself.

Yanking and tugging on the penetrated shards, the Battlemaster’s steady hands pulled the stray shards from his legs while the dark side festered in his wounds and devoured the infected flesh. Sterilising and purified from filth, the dark side strung his skin tightly together and eradicated the scars. Whimpering and panting from the mild pain, his weak gaze peered over at Delak who was finding his whereabouts. As the Warrior looked at the Battlemaster, they traded a cold and uncaring glare. An unspoken vow of no mercy was exchanged.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 10 June, 2016 7:07 PM UTC

“Have a nice flight!” Qor mocked, seizing the moment to rise and form his protective stance again. Crashing and smashing of ceramic pots and marble stands echoed the room, as Delak cursed non-stop. The Battlemaster took the moment to talk about current affairs.

Syntax and Story -- this passage seems a little convoluted to me. Your first sentence seems a little cliched, and your second seems to have the pots and marble stands as the object of the sentence, whereas Delak should be the focus. In that circumstance, I would suggest explicitly stating that the reason for this crashing was because Delak crashed into them and was pulling himself back up to his feet. Finally, I think you vey much detract from the story by stating that you're going to jump from high-paced frantic combat to 'current affairs'. This would be better left unsaid, if you are going to do it at all...


The pair slowly circled, their sabers overhead as their weaker hands almost touched from the identical techniques used by both.

Realism -- Good adherence to the Character Sheets, but this is only marginally better than outright stating both combatants are using Soresu. Try and be a bit more creative with how you describe the impasse.


Yanking and tugging on the penetrated shards, the Battlemaster’s steady hands pulled the stray shards from his legs while the dark side festered in his wounds and devoured the infected flesh.

Story, Realism, and Syntax - I'm not sure what you're trying to get across with this sentence. If it is Force Healing you are trying to use, then I am at a loss as to how the wounds from the glass shard which have only just been inflicted are now infected and festering? This is poor word choice which detracts from the story and, as such, will count as a mark against Realism. You also repeat the word 'shard'. Finally, I would hesitate to use three quite involved Force powers in such quick succession. It's not outside of the rules per se, but it's definitely at the upper limit of what I'd personally consider reasonable in such a short period of time.

Delak had been thrown from one side of the room to the other, he had even hit the glass ceiling leaving shards of glass lying everywhere on the ground beneath his feet. He staggered to find his footing after the most recent attack he had suffered. Qor had managed to take the time to heal his wounds from where the shards had penetrated his leg and he seemed to be winded. Delak knew this was his best chance to try and take advantage of the situation. With a look in Qor’s direction Delak lifted his hand towards the Quarren picking him up and pulling him closer to him. As he floated across the room Delak picked up his free hand after clipping his lightsaber to his belt. His outstretched fingers begand to run electricity throughout the Quarren’s body. The water dweller shook and writhed in pain as he was hung helpless in midair.

Qor made one last effort to raise his hand slowly and managed to knock Delak backwards into the wall once again knocking the Warrior around like a rag doll. Delak stammered around for a minute trying to regain his balance once again but he had taken a lot of beatings in this fight. He could feel the Force draining from him as if abandoning him to himself. Qor didn’t seem to be in any better condition. Delak looked up and felt a smirk come across his face. The Quarren didn’t have his lightsaber on him. It must have been dropped somewhere. Delak took action quickly mustering all of the will power that he could. Delak ran up to Qor and began to swing at him. His first punch passed right by the Quarren’s head as he dodged instinctively. Delak’s second blow hit the Battlemaster square in the face tentacles and before he had a chance to react Delak kicked his opponent’s leg in the knee area and he could hear a pop as he did it. Lexiconus’s leg must have been broken. You don’t hear a pop like that without some visible damage. He knew the Quarren was winded and couldn’t focus enough to heal right away. Delak continued punching the alien in the face and in the chest landing blow after blow trying to show his Quaestor what he was capable of when pushed into a corner by a superior enemy.

Delak felt a concussive force hit him like a ton of duracrete. His chest caved in and he was hit and he staggered backwards losing his footing. He looked dazed and confused as he was trying to figure out what had happened. He hadn’t seen anyone else around so he didn’t know what to make of the situation. He was fighting to breathe anything at all because of the pain in his chest. Qor began to take advantage of the down time and Delak watched as his broken leg became mended through the dark side healing powers that the Battlemaster employed. The time for the final battle was about to begin as Delak sat on the ground in a heap.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 10 June, 2016 7:29 PM UTC

Delak had been thrown from one side of the room to the other, he had even hit the glass ceiling leaving shards of glass lying everywhere on the ground beneath his feet. He staggered to find his footing after the most recent attack he had suffered. Qor had managed to take the time to heal his wounds from where the shards had penetrated his leg and he seemed to be winded.

Continuity -- Good continuation from the preceding post - well done!


With a look in Qor’s direction Delak lifted his hand towards the Quarren picking him up and pulling him closer to him. As he floated across the room Delak picked up his free hand after clipping his lightsaber to his belt.

Story and Realism - You fail to use the Force in describing Delak drawing Qor closer to him. This is something you should specify, even if only subtly, in order to substantiate your action. I also don't quite get what your second sentence. 'picked up his free hand'? What do you mean by this? Sometimes the simplest writing is the most effective.


His outstretched fingers begand to run electricity throughout the Quarren’s body. The water dweller shook and writhed in pain as he was hung helpless in midair.

Realism -- You're treading on thin ice here, as Force lightning can only be maintained for a matter of seconds. Similarly, the cost of using the Force power is written in the guidance as follows: "Force Lightning is an advanced power that requires significant concentration to maintain. Even at higher levels, repeated use of the power over a short time period can leave the Jedi physically drained." To this end, I don't think it is particularly feasible for Delak to be holding Qor in the air with Telekinesis and using Force Lightning on him. It would be too much to ask in respect of Force usage.


Qor made one last effort to raise his hand slowly and managed to knock Delak backwards into the wall once again knocking the Warrior around like a rag doll. Delak stammered around for a minute trying to regain his balance once again but he had taken a lot of beatings in this fight. He could feel the Force draining from him as if abandoning him to himself.

Syntax and Realism -- The first sentence of this passage is difficult to follow, as you state that Qor is making slow movements, but he's still able to knock Delak around like a Rag Doll? Perhaps you need to be a little clearer. Well done for acknowledging the after effects of your use of Force, however. This is a good demonstration of Realism.


Delak’s second blow hit the Battlemaster square in the face tentacles and before he had a chance to react Delak kicked his opponent’s leg in the knee area and he could hear a pop as he did it. Lexiconus’s leg must have been broken. You don’t hear a pop like that without some visible damage.

Syntax and Story -- Whilst there's nothing technically wrong with this passage, it is not very engaging and it does not draw me into the story. What is more, the final sentence looks like it would work better as an internal monologue rather than as part of the limited third person description. See below for the same passage rewritten to be more appropriate:

Delak struck out again, this time hitting Qor squarely across the face. Before he had a chance to react, Delak drove his boot hard into Qor's knee. A resonant pop announced the break as the Battlemaster's leg fell limp.

You don't hear a pop like that without a break, Delak thought to himself.

Something like that is more consistent with what we're after.

Shaking and sweating from every pore, Lexiconus Qor forced his stare towards Delak who lay in agony and tears. The Quarren’s vision blurring and fading, he felt his energy drain away as his legs gave up on him, slouching down. His hands cut and bleeding across the floor from the shards of glass under him, Qor wished this battle was over so he could escape to the comfort of a hospital. Impressed with the performance of Shadow Guard’s leader, the Quaestor let out a wheezy chuckle as he rose to his fragile and painful knees.

“You should heal yourself before this gets any worse, you’re going to bleed out.” Qor shouted across the room, but Delak just lay there in his own blood, his eyes slowly closing. The Quarren didn’t know what to make of it. Thinking of Delak as the unwavering and courageous soldier of war, he used to rely on the human to be the last to stand. But here Delak lay, contempt in surrendering to the environment, while a soft hue of burning wood filled the air.

“Can you smell that?” Qor shouted, but Delak wasn’t listening and lay almost lifeless. The strong stench of bark and fire filled the air and began to smog the throne room. His lungs coughed and wheezed the smoke away as best they could, but the room became darker and hotter. The sound of cinders crackling and the bright orange flashes burst into the room as the nobility banners were eaten and destroyed by the flames. Staggering and groaning to his feet, the Quarren began to hurry and limp his way to the exit. With vases bursting their ceramic and the furniture adding to the darkness of the smog, Qor feared his life would end here. He didn’t wait for Delak, who as the Battlemaster looked back, was still laying on the burning and charred floor. The large double doors ahead exploded in a light show of orange and red cinders, which rained on the Quarren. He forced himself to dive through the mess at the throne room exit, and slammed into the aisle of the audience chamber.

With the lavish carpet crisping up into flames behind him, Qor forced himself back onto his feet and limped hurriedly towards the chamber. Blood and ash stained his thigh where the burning wood tore a deep wound into his leathery skin, but he didn’t have time to worry. The lighting decor from above quickly plummeted as the fire burst through, licking any fabric and wood it could reach. Stained glass in the chamber began to overheat and burst as the fires outran the Quarren, narrowing his escape route to the large, gilded doors of the palace. With an arm around his mouth, he coughed and wheezed for air, as his vision began to fail him more. Limping towards the burnt and crackling door, Qor rushed outside and out into the safety of the humid and thick jungle. He looked back at the fires erupting from the windows and skylights, then grumbled in Quarrenese.

“Delak you fool, why did you stay?”

“I didn’t,” Qor quickly turned into the jungle to the source of the voice, and saw the weak, limping Warrior come out of the thick shrub with a gleaming smile. Shocked and frustrated at being outwitted, the Quarren scrunched his face in protest and turned back to the burning palace. Only now, it wasn’t burning, the smell of smoke and fire had dissipated and the glass returned to normal. Qor sensed the machinations of the dark side were here.

“You tricked me with illusions and the Force, human!” The Battlemaster shouted, as Delak slowly began to limp away.

“You lost and I won, let’s go find the shuttle and return home.” Delak replied, but Qor wasn’t amused by the human’s opinion and slowly followed suit.

“So you’re surrendering to my victory huh? I didn’t say anything about backing down.” With a light chuckle, the Quarren felt this conflict wouldn’t get the ending it deserved. Bruised, broken and tired, the duo put their differences aside, for now.

Wuntila Zratis Entar Arconae, 10 June, 2016 7:37 PM UTC

Shaking and sweating from every pore, Lexiconus Qor forced his stare towards Delak who lay in agony and tears. The Quarren’s vision blurring and fading, he felt his energy drain away as his legs gave up on him, slouching down. His hands cut and bleeding across the floor from the shards of glass under him, Qor wished this battle was over so he could escape to the comfort of a hospital. Impressed with the performance of Shadow Guard’s leader, the Quaestor let out a wheezy chuckle as he rose to his fragile and painful knees.

Continuity -- Good continuity and solid opening to your post, well done!


... contempt in surrendering to the environment, ...

Syntax -- I think you mean 'content' here, rather than 'contempt'.


Story -- The inclusion of the fire is a nice touch. It certainly brings something else to the story beyond the simple mechanics of the ACC. I am impressed.


“You tricked me with illusions and the Force, human!” The Battlemaster shouted, as Delak slowly began to limp away.

Story -- Say it with me... "Show, don't tell!" I got the illusion without the need to explain it, so you succeed as a writer to that extent.


Story -- The battle does end a little abruptly, but this demonstrates some creative thinking, which I'm all for. All in all, well done!