Shaking and sweating from every pore, Lexiconus Qor forced his stare towards Delak who lay in agony and tears. The Quarren’s vision blurring and fading, he felt his energy drain away as his legs gave up on him, slouching down. His hands cut and bleeding across the floor from the shards of glass under him, Qor wished this battle was over so he could escape to the comfort of a hospital. Impressed with the performance of Shadow Guard’s leader, the Quaestor let out a wheezy chuckle as he rose to his fragile and painful knees.
“You should heal yourself before this gets any worse, you’re going to bleed out.” Qor shouted across the room, but Delak just lay there in his own blood, his eyes slowly closing. The Quarren didn’t know what to make of it. Thinking of Delak as the unwavering and courageous soldier of war, he used to rely on the human to be the last to stand. But here Delak lay, contempt in surrendering to the environment, while a soft hue of burning wood filled the air.
“Can you smell that?” Qor shouted, but Delak wasn’t listening and lay almost lifeless. The strong stench of bark and fire filled the air and began to smog the throne room. His lungs coughed and wheezed the smoke away as best they could, but the room became darker and hotter. The sound of cinders crackling and the bright orange flashes burst into the room as the nobility banners were eaten and destroyed by the flames. Staggering and groaning to his feet, the Quarren began to hurry and limp his way to the exit. With vases bursting their ceramic and the furniture adding to the darkness of the smog, Qor feared his life would end here. He didn’t wait for Delak, who as the Battlemaster looked back, was still laying on the burning and charred floor. The large double doors ahead exploded in a light show of orange and red cinders, which rained on the Quarren. He forced himself to dive through the mess at the throne room exit, and slammed into the aisle of the audience chamber.
With the lavish carpet crisping up into flames behind him, Qor forced himself back onto his feet and limped hurriedly towards the chamber. Blood and ash stained his thigh where the burning wood tore a deep wound into his leathery skin, but he didn’t have time to worry. The lighting decor from above quickly plummeted as the fire burst through, licking any fabric and wood it could reach. Stained glass in the chamber began to overheat and burst as the fires outran the Quarren, narrowing his escape route to the large, gilded doors of the palace. With an arm around his mouth, he coughed and wheezed for air, as his vision began to fail him more. Limping towards the burnt and crackling door, Qor rushed outside and out into the safety of the humid and thick jungle. He looked back at the fires erupting from the windows and skylights, then grumbled in Quarrenese.
“Delak you fool, why did you stay?”
“I didn’t,” Qor quickly turned into the jungle to the source of the voice, and saw the weak, limping Warrior come out of the thick shrub with a gleaming smile. Shocked and frustrated at being outwitted, the Quarren scrunched his face in protest and turned back to the burning palace. Only now, it wasn’t burning, the smell of smoke and fire had dissipated and the glass returned to normal. Qor sensed the machinations of the dark side were here.
“You tricked me with illusions and the Force, human!” The Battlemaster shouted, as Delak slowly began to limp away.
“You lost and I won, let’s go find the shuttle and return home.” Delak replied, but Qor wasn’t amused by the human’s opinion and slowly followed suit.
“So you’re surrendering to my victory huh? I didn’t say anything about backing down.” With a light chuckle, the Quarren felt this conflict wouldn’t get the ending it deserved. Bruised, broken and tired, the duo put their differences aside, for now.
Syntax -- These first few sentences seem a little sloppy; you demonstrate a lot of repetition with your wording, and you have missed out on a couple of punctuation marks, which detracts from your post and causes the reader to stumble, rather than glide, over the words.
Story and Realism -- I can see what you're doing in the wider paragraph, setting the scene and trying to expand the post to become a more believable story. That's great, but you need to get the basics down first. One step at a time. In this case, you state one thing in your first sentence, and say something completely different in your second. Moisture/water in the air is humidity, so this passage is a juxtaposition in and of itself. This is a shame because it impacts on the storytelling. The fact that you make a point of noting this falsehood down in the following sentence also detracts heavily from the storytelling.
Syntax -- You don't need to state the unit of time you are using - it only detracts from the text.
Realism and Continuity -- Unfortunately this continued focus on Lexic's race and the false pretence that he struggles out of water is another mark against Realism and Continuity as it is not in-keeping with Lexic's character, nor is it consistent with the introductory post of the battle.
Syntax and Story -- Now this is good. This is very good. Good sentence structure, striking prose. well done! It really helps bolster your storytelling!
Realism -- Good adherence to both Character Sheets, but remember show, don't tell! This is one of the most fundamental lessons to be learned in the ACC. Demonstrate how your Character excels in some areas and falls short in others through your use of description and your ability to tell a story, don't allow yourself to fall into the somewhat lazy trap of telling the reader what you think they should know. It's part of the fun of both reading and writing; figuring out part of the story, and being able to let people figure out the key parts of the story by writing a passage well.