Vanguard Turel Sorenn vs. Hunter Lavanth

Vanguard Turel Sorenn

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Seeker, Sentinel
vs.

Hunter Lavanth

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Togruta, Force Disciple, Techweaver
Comment

Let's look at Mech-deru I for a moment to start off:

"As a Journeyman, The character can infuse sentience into common droids such as protocol, medical, and drone types and control them through a conscious connection in the Force. Once a droid has been enslaved, The character must actively maintain partial concentration for proper control."

The way it's written, even though you justify the "controller/remote" I think it's a stretch to describe how he's using the Force to enhance a combat droid. At Mechu-deru II, this is a lot more believable. The Mangadroids were advanced combat droids, not just clankers, which still I think would be a stretch at this level.

Still, it was a creative element, but it felt very bland and I had no real connection to the machine-come-to-life. It didn't help push either story to a heightened level.

I loved Turel's non-conventional opening, but it could have been a bit shorter. Similarly, the second post trailed off a bit weakly. Lavantha's first post was pretty standard until the end, where I actually "OH'd" out loud. A really awesome little twist to what I was expecting to be a "training match to pass time". Loved the twist and how you both played off of it to finish the fight.

That said, there are just certain area's in this match where Turel's experience with the ACC and writing here in the DB shine in terms of his technical execution and command of syntax. This is where the match drew apart, with everything else being very close.

Turel is the winner of this match, but I have a feeling that with some more practice, Lavantha will be giving the reigning ACC Champion of the GMIT a run for his money. Excited to see more work from you, Lavantha, and keep up the great work!

-W

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Vanguard Turel Sorenn, Hunter Lavanth
Winner Vanguard Turel Sorenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Vanguard Turel Sorenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Lavanth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Takodana: Maz Kanata’s Castle
Last Post 10 August, 2016 1:30 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Keiji Suoh
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You know what you did. Rationale: Repeated errors that could be caught with a second pass of proof reading. Smaller things adding up here as you get more experience writing in the DB.
Story - 40%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Keiji Suoh
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Loved the set up, though it did drag on for maybe 1 paragraph too long for my taste. Enjoyed Turel's thought process, morality, and how you really made "Doc" come to life for Lavanth's character. Rationale: I love your plot twist. It was the best part of the fight. Your writing is clear and crisp when it comes to combat, which I like. Very good work considering shorter posts, and I'd just want a bit more to go "wrong" before the resolution of the fight to push it towards a 5 teir here.
Realism - 25%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Keiji Suoh
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You both stretched, from my reading, how much Control Mechu-deru I has. Rationale: You both stretched, from my reading, how much Control Mechu-deru I has.
Continuity - 20%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Keiji Suoh
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Champion Rajhin Cindertail's Score: 4.2 Keiji Suoh's Score: 4.05
Posts

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

When the First Order beset on Takadona, Maz Kanata’s castle took the brunt of the assault. Located on the shore of a lake that was owned by the pirate Maz Kanata, it served as a haven for travelers, smugglers and other unsavory characters. Sensor grids and advanced communication gear secured the castle from unannounced attacks, giving its owner and visitors enough notice to flee the scene.

The area around it is rumored to have been the battleground for the Jedi and Sith, being of strategic value for those willing to seek control over Takadona. Inside, the castle’s gray exterior vanishes into shades of brown, the color of sandstone. Tables and chairs fill the cluttered spaces where travelers could share tales or pursue their own controversial interests. Unfiltered smoke permeates the air, clogging the senses with a sweet odor. Various criminal groups have at some time or another sought shelter in the castle, their passage evidenced by the many-colored banners outside bearing their insignia.

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

Now, the castle remains uninhabited. Several of its towers have crumbled under the First Order’s assault. Stonework pillars have toppled over, scorched from turbolasers and blaster fire. Other segments lie in ruin, still too new for the forest to have reclaimed the land around the castle.

A cool breeze from the far side of the lake served to alleve the mid-day heat and create a soft rustling sound from the swaying treetops. The scene was so relaxing that one could almost forget a battle had taken place here mere months prior. Lavanth idly skipped a rock across the water’s surface as he waited for his Proconsul to return.

A gruff, yet familiar voice interrupted the Togruta’s daydreaming. “I hope he’s paying us extra to just sit around like this.” Lavanth stooped down to pick up another stone, not bothering to turn around to acknowledge his mentor. “Relax Doc, I’m sure Turel will be back any moment. The scouts just need to secure the perimeter before we go inside.”

“I taught you better than that Kid.” The older Human stared at his pupil for a few seconds. “Time is money.”

A long exhale and half a shrug is all Doc got in response. “I know.”

Lavanth loved his work, but he needed to make a living. He probably would have starved or worse long ago had Doc not kept him focused on what really mattered. Aside from the direct pay from the Odan-Urr council, this job held some unique opportunities. The mission was to crack open a vault in the basement of the castle which contained a number of illegal combat droids and weapons. Maz Kanata, the castle’s former resident, had apparently safeguarded the contraband since the end of the Clone Wars. “The Pirate queen of Takodana” certainly lived up to her legend. Given that the castle was a known weighstation for smugglers, there was no telling what other treasure waited in her vaults.

The Togruta’s thoughts were interrupted by Turel approaching. The Proconsul almost walked right into Doc to get to Lavanth.

“Hey! Watch where you’re going jerk!” The gruff Human quipped as he stepped to the side. Strange, Turel acted like he didn’t see Doc at all.

“Get your tools ready Lavanth, it’s time to see what’s inside.”

The Togruta bent down to pick up his tool harness, stealing one last glance across the serene lake before turning around. He let Turel lead the way inside the ruins of the castle’s upper level and cantina with Doc falling in beside him.

“I don’t like this guy,” Doc leaned in and whispered as they walked through the crumbling stone archway leading to the courtyard. Lavanth shot the old man a “be quiet” glare in reply.

The trio made their way through the entryway and cantina. All the valuables in the upper levels had been secured after the First Order attack but it was still held all the telltale signs of conflict: furniture strung all over the floor and arranged into makeshift barricades, blaster scorch marks on the walls, and rubble everywhere. As they descended the stairs to the lower levels, Lavanth was reminded of a dungeon. Perhaps these chambers had served that purpose in ages past.

“Are you sure we’re even going to find anything in this old heap?” The Togruta inquired.

A knowing grin shot across Turel’s face. “I have it on good authority that this vault is full of Clone Wars era droids and heavy weapons. Maz had to abandon it after the First Order attacked and hasn’t been back for fear they’d come looking for payback after the Resistance pulled out.”

“Won’t she, I don’t know, miss this stuff? She doesn’t seem like the type of person I’d want to steal from.”

The Proconsul paused for a moment as they approached the vault door and the pair of technicians working to open it. “It’s not stealing per se. We’re securing this stuff before it falls into the wrong hands, namely my sister’s. The last thing she needs is more Clone Wars weapons for her ship.” He shook his head realizing he had been trailing off. “Besides, we’ll make arrangements to compensate Maz for the use of her merchandise.” He turned to face Lavanth. “Trust me.”

Doc scoffed, “yeah, sure buddy.”

One of the technicians stood up and approached the trio. “Counselor Sorenn, we’re ready to open the vault now. The locking mechanism was well hidden.”

“Well come on Lavanth, let’s take a look at these droids.”

The vault itself was an ancient storeroom retrofit with durasteel walls and an independent power source. Half the room was filled with various models of battle droids standing in a silent formation while the other was full of row after row of weapon racks containing various heavy weapons. Lavanth spotted a handful of Magnaguard droids and immediately ran to examine the rare machines.

Turel called out to the Togruta, “wait! The room could be-” He was interrupted by the vault door slamming closed behind them. Only Turel, Lavanth and Doc were inside. “-trapped.” He punctuated the last part of that sentence with an audible sigh.

The Proconsul’s comm crackled to life. “Councilor Sorenn, are you okay? You seem to have triggered the vault’s timed lock.”

“We’re fine. Is there any way you can get this open?”

“We’ll try but it’s set for a four hour cycle. If we can’t bypass it you’ll have to stay in there.”

Turel finished the technician’s sentence, “for four hours.”


It took the trio about an hour and half to completely inventory and inspect the room. The technicians still reported no luck in bypassing the timed lock. Looks like they would have to wait it out. Turel sat with his back to the vault door while Lavanth sliced one of the magnaguard droids.

The Proconsul jumped up. “Well, looks like we’re here for the long haul. We might as well find something to pass the time.” He walked over to where the Techweaver was working. “Can you control one of those things through the Force?”

“Not a droid this complex, at least not yet. I can reprogram it to respond to commands from a receiver which I can manipulate through the Force. The droid’s on-board processor still does most of the work but I guess the answer to your question is yes. Through the receiver I can will the droid to do certain things but I can’t forcibly control it like I can simpler droids.”

Turel stretched his arms and twisted his neck from side to side to loosen up. “Well, we’ve got some time on our hands. Show me what you can do with this thing. I have feeling a Jedi-controlled magnaguard could come in handy.”

Lavanth shot the Human a quizzical look. “Wait, you want me to control this droid and fight you with it?”

“Well, spar would be more accurate, but yes.”

Doc pipped up from across the room, “do it! Give that nerf herder a lesson!” Turel seemed to ignore the taunting.

Lavanth shrugged. “Alright, this will just take a few minutes.”

Doc approached as the Techweaver worked diligently to set up the droid. He waited until Turel wasn’t looking to whisper in Lavanth’s ear. “Don’t go easy on him, set the droid to maximum power. Make him feel it when he gets hit.”

After running through some tests to ensure the receiver was functioning as intended and the droid was indeed under his control, Lavanth was ready. He reached out through the Force and ordered the droid to activate its electrostaff with an elaborate flourish. Turel responded in kind by igniting his lavender blade.

“Are you ready?” Lavanth inquired.

“Let’s do this.”

The Techweaver held his datapad at the ready in case his Force link to the receiver faltered. It should work in theory but he had never attempted to control a droid this complex before. The magnaguard began twirling its staff as it approached Turel, responding to Lavanth’s will. The room was soon illuminated by purple flashes as saber and electrostaff collided in rapid succession. Man and machine keeping their weapons close, probing the other’s defenses. Lavanth had to delve deeper and deeper into the Force connection to maintain control of the droid’s movements.

“Go for the legs,” Doc suggested quietly.

Lavanth willed the droid to arm its on-board tow cable. With a single motion the droid batted Turel’s saber away with the staff in one arm while taking aim with the other. Before the Proconsul could evade, his legs were wrapped up in cable and he was falling to the cold floor.

“Well, that’s new!” Turel exclaimed as struggled to cut the cable loose before the droid could land a blow with the electrostaff.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 August, 2016 5:32 AM UTC

“Not a droid this complex, at least not yet. I can reprogram it to respond to commands from a receiver which I can manipulate through the Force. The droid’s on-board processor still does most of the work but I guess the answer to your question is yes. Through the receiver I can will the droid to do certain things but I can’t forcibly control it like I can simpler droids.”

Holy exposition, BatTurel.

Purple sparks shot up as Turel rolled to the side to avoid the staff. He activated the small shield on his left and reached for his saber. The blade came rolling along the ground and into his hand. In one quick move, the Vanguard caught it and cut the ropes binding him. He shut off his shield and quickly rolled further away from the droid.

“Alrighty now, think we’ve learned enough about it,” Turel said hopping up to his feet, “Shut it down.” Lavanth seemed to just struggle to stay conscious. His head bobbed up and down, and tilted slowly from one side to the other.

“I said, ‘SHUT IT DOWN!’” Turel shouted blocking the next flurry of blows the droid propelled at him. Lavanth this time only smiled and cocked his head towards the Proconsul.

“Ahh, whats that? Little baby jedi can’t handle his new toy?” Doc mocked as he claimed control of the droid.

“What...did…you say?” Turel shouted as the Magnaguard twirled its staff. Turel leaped backwards from the guard and shot a dart at the Techweaver. Quickly the Hunter slumped over and the datapad clattered away. However the Magnaguard still continued its advance.

Tired of this thing’s attacks, the Vanguard pulled out his slugthrower and fired it. The shot landed in the droid's head. A small hole appeared, yet despite the damage it continued its advance. Turel fired one more shot, this time it landed in the shoulder opposite the one holding the staff, and charged. As the momentum from the gunshot gave a temporary window of opportunity. With a hop and a swing of his blade, the droids head fell. Turel felt at first glad that the fight was over, but quickly felt pain. The Magnaguard had swung its staff into his back even without its head. Sprawled upon the floor, Turel took a moment to stare at it in confusion and then have the subtle fact dawn on him.

“Right,” Turel said to himself while getting off the floor, “Forgot you guys could do that.” The droid now rushed at him, spinning the staff faster than before. Turel only blocked and dodged as he didn’t wish to risk the Magnaguard having the chance to get another blow.

Noises started to emerge from the now waking Togruta. Lavanth looked up and saw that the droid was still functioning and attacking even without his guidance. Quickly he scrambled to the datapad and shut down the droid.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU SHUT IT DOWN WHEN I SAID TO?” Turel shouted marching towards the Hunter.

“Doc took it from me. He wouldn’t give it back.” Lavanth said looking at the ground next to him. Still sleeping was Doc, sprawled out on the floor. A slow yet steady snore came from the old mentors mouth.

“Who in the…” The Vanguard started, but was quickly interrupted by Lavanth’s gasp. Quickly it rushed over to the machine’s head and started to put it back together. Turel just sat on a crate and watched. With precision and speed the Techweaver replaced the head and did his best to fix any other injuries sustained to the droid, all the while saying, “You poor thing.” Lavanth took out his data pad and did a quick test. It seemed to be still working but obviously not at peak function. Yet the droid could still be dangerous.

“Well I’d call that a success.” The Togruta said reading his data pad. Just then the doors opened. Turel quickly stood up and started to head towards the door, but quickly stopped. The men in the doorway were not his and upon closer examination he could see his men lying on the floor.

“Well then,” The largest of the figures said, “Seems like someone else had the same idea.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 August, 2016 5:43 AM UTC

Turel said hopping up to his feet, “Shut it down.”

You'd want to close it off here with a period after feet.

Lavanth seemed to just struggle to stay conscious.

This reads awkwardly. A more active voice will make for better combat writing: "Lavanth struggled to stay conscious." or even "Lavanth seemed to struggle just to remain concious."

Turel shouted blocking the next flurry of blows the droid propelled at him.

shouted [,] blocking the...

Turel fired one more shot, this time it landed in the shoulder opposite the one holding the staff, and charged.

Turel fired one more shot. This time, it landed...

or

Turel fired one more shot, [but] (or) [and] this time it landed...

As the momentum from the gunshot gave a temporary window of opportunity.

The momentum*. "As the implies there would be a follow up action at the end of the sentence, where there is not one.

Turel felt at first glad that the fight was over, but quickly felt pain.

Turel was glad at first or At first, Turel was glad that the fight was over, but...

I really like how you write action. It's crisp, clear, and easy to visualize. Great work, most of my notes are nitpicky syntax-flow things.

“Well then,” The largest of the figures said, “Seems like someone else had the same idea.”

OH! SNAP! THE PLOT THICKENS. I love this. 10 Points to House Hufflepuff.

Turel reflexively reached under his black jacket for the saber on his belt. “Is there something I can help you gentlemen with?”

A particularly gruff looking Trandoshan responded by training a scatter gun on the Proconsul and cocking it. The unmistakable click-click sound of a shell sliding into the breach of a scatter gun transcended any language barrier. “Be silent,” the thug hissed in Huttese.

The larger figure stepped into the light to reveal an unnaturally large Weequay who most definitely drank his blue milk growing up. “How about you get your hands off our merchandise and walk out of here? I’d rather not waste the ammo.” He patted a bowcaster strapped to his back for emphasis. “It’s rather expensive.”

The sentinel’s eyes darted from side to side, taking in the scene before him. There were four thugs in the doorway, including the ringleader. A Sullustan holding a DL-44 blaster pistol and normal-sized Weequay brandishing two vibroknives in a reverse grip rounded out the group. There were likely more guarding whatever ship they came in on and sweeping the rest of the castle. This party would get crowded very quickly if things came to blows. The scattergun and bowcaster made things complicated, even a proficient Jedi would have a hard time defending against them.

Turel cleared his throat. “I’m sure we can reach a mutually profitable arrangement. Who are you with? Black Sun? The Tinkles Cartel?”

The hulking Weequay smiled. “My employer is none of your concern scavenger. Now get out of here before I change my mind.” The rest of his squad stepped into the room while their leader was talking.

Lavanth glanced over at Doc who was still passed out on the floor. He slowly and discretely typed a few commands into his datapad while the focus of the room was on Turel. The droid was ready to accept commands from the techweaver.

Turel knew was he was supposed to do in this situation: explore all non-violent options, mind trick the leader, negotiate, something. He should be the Jedi in the room and end the conflict peacefully. The dead technicians on the floor cried out for justice. He quickly rationalized that these thugs had in fact started the fight and there was no talking or tricking his way out of this. They’d likely shoot Lavanth and him in the back the moment they tried to leave. It’s what Turel would do, in a past life. Besides, he needed to “interrogate” their leader to find out who they worked for and how they knew to be here.

For justice, not vengeance. The Jedi thought as he centered himself in the currents of the Force and reached out to touch the thugs’ minds.

“So you can just shoot us in the back? No thank you.” Turel retrieved and ignited his lavender blade with a single fluid motion.

The leader readied his bowcaster. “A lightsaber? I knew Maz kept old Jedi relics around but I didn’t expect any of them to work. This trip may be more profitable than I thought. Put that thing down before you hurt yourself, you’re no Jedi.”

Lavanth slowly readied himself to dive behind a nearby crate once the fighting started. He’d activate the droid and hopefully take a few of them out without exposing himself.

“You’ve got bigger problems than me right now. Look behind you!” Turel pointed toward the hallway.

“Oh like we’re going to fall for that old trick.”

Before the lead Weequay could finish his thought, he and his men heard the thundering roar of an adolescent Rancor from their rear. They quickly turned around and started firing wildly and evading the rampaging beast their senses told them was there.

Turel ducked behind some cover, maintaining that kind of illusion to four minds taxed his entire focus. He couldn’t mount any other attack until this played itself out. “If you’ve got anything kid, now would be a great time to pull it out.”

Taking his cue, Lavanth willed the droid to attack the confused thugs. They literally didn’t see it coming. The Sullustan went down like a sack of Lothal radishes after taking an electrostaff to the back of the head. Shells bounced to the floor as the Trandoshan frantically tried to reload the scatter gun he had emptied in a panic. The magnaguard next engaged the vibroknife wielding Weequay who skillfully blocked and parried the possessed machine’s advances.

Turel released his hold on the gangsters’ minds and leapt from cover. It was now or never. The Jedi went straight for his biggest threat, the scatter gun. He closed the distance as quickly as he could without aid from the Force and slashed at the confused Trandoshan. His saber found its mark and sliced the scatter gun’s barrel off, rendering it inoperative. Transitioning from the downward slash to a single hand grip, Turel lifted his left palm toward his stunned opponent and gave him a strong telekinetic shove into a stone wall.

Lavanth walked from behind cover to get a better view. It took his full focus to control the droid through the duel with the Weequay. Doc had been awoken by the commotion and stood next to the Togruta.

“What’s going on?” The old man asked.

“We were ambushed by mercs!”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 August, 2016 5:50 AM UTC

The sentinel’s eyes darted from side to side,

Sentinel

Tinkles Cartel

lol

“My employer is none of your concern scavenger.

concern [,] scavenger. Breathing/natural pauses help make dialogue read smoother.

Turel knew was he was supposed to do in this situation: explore all non-violent options, mind trick the leader, negotiate, something.

Turel knew what*

“Then take them out kid. This should be easy.” the old mentor said staring at the Togruta. Lavanth now had the droid aim its electrostaff AT the vibroknives. He wanted the electricity to hit the blade. Cause the one flaw of having a generator in the hilt causing the blade to move via subsonic vibrations is the slight fact that when a current of electricity hits the blade…

A familiar sound of metal exploding echoed in the vault. The Weequay gave a shout of pain as his right hand was blown off. With a quick spin of the staff the mercenary fell unconscious. The Proconsul gave a quick palm to the chest of the final soldier. It knocked him over and the droid finished him by slamming the staff into him. Shots came from down the corridor. The noise had obviously brought more people from up top. Lavanth And Turel would just have to take them all out. Having them come down was pretty advantageous.

Turel entered the vault again to take cover from the bolts and slugs firing at him. Turel fired a few blind shots to give suppressing fire. The Hunter forced the droid also into the vault again. The sounds of footsteps could be heard. Lavanth ducked behind a crate then looked at it. The crate was labeled explosives. With glee the Togruta pried off the lid with the crowbar on his tool harness and looked inside. Various grenades were housed.

“Ahh this brings back memories,” Doc said looking at the small devices fondly, “So which ones we using?”

“None of these.” Lavanth answered opening a second crate. Blaster shots flew past the young Hunter. He ducked, flipped on his shield, and then looked in the newly opened crate. The small canisters inside were just what Lavanth was looking for. The Techweaver grabbed one, pulled the pin, and hurled it into the hallway. A brilliant flash erupted from the hallway. Lavanth moved away from the real explosives and again took control of the Magnaguard. The Togruta was starting to love this machine, though it was draining to keep it under control. Turel and the droid rushed the blinded mercenaries.

After those pirates went down, the two force users carefully stepped into the hall. They rushed back up to the surface. Lavanth could see the people around the entrance. He signaled to Turel to wait a second. Lavanth rushed up the steps and slammed the ground with his hands. Waves of energy shot from him and knocked all the Mercenaries back. Some smashed into the ruins, knocking themselves out, while others were merely launched back. Turel felt only a slight push, as he was only on the very edge of the blast. Quickly he rushed up and dealt with any stragglers. The ship that carried the pirates there had its bay doors open.

The ship seemed empty of the crew for the most part. Turel quickly got on the radio and asked for more people. He confirmed that they had the cargo and was told ships were coming.

“Well then,” Lavanth said sitting down on the bay ramp tired, “except for the surprise i feel like that went well.” Turel gave a slight shrug.

“So we done huh? Was hoping for more to be honest.” Doc complained leaning against the ramp.

“Well now we wait.” Lavanth thought aloud.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 August, 2016 5:59 AM UTC

“Then take them out kid.

Then take them out [,] kid. Adding a comma for a natural pause/breath helps with the realistic flow of dialogue.

Lavanth now had the droid aim its electrostaff AT the vibroknives.

In the future, I'd lean towards using italics or bold for emphasis, though this isn't a detractor by any means, and a style-preference.

The Hunter forced the droid also into the vault again.

force the droid into the vault again as well* or just remove "also".

The crate was labeled explosives. With glee the Togruta pried off the lid with the crowbar on his tool harness and looked inside. Various grenades were housed.

I don't mind this at all. It is organic to the venue and the story. Good work.

“None of these.” Lavanth answered opening a second crate.

answered [,] opening