Savant Tasha'Vel Versea vs. Knight Mactire

Savant Tasha'Vel Versea

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Knight Mactire

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Shadow, Sentinel
Comment

To start, it is obvious that you both are familiar with each other beyond the scope of this match. It's nice to take on people you know, as it can help you devise the meaning before and after the match. However, the execution here didn't really bring that meaning to bear.

This match was very superficial in terms of the setup and even the combat within it. Until the martial combat came to pass, the combat was described at such a high level that the reader was imposed upon to construct the visuals themselves. This isn't something you should ever do, and they should be pulled into the world you make for them, not the one they make for themselves.

Overall, the story was quite close with the harm coming from different vectors. The most harm was done through mistakes in Realism and Syntax throughout this match. Clean up these minor areas first and then devote yourselves to developing story beyond the face value, and create depth for your readers to explore.

Congratulations on completing this match, and the winner as tallied is Savant Tasha'Vel Versea. I look forward to your continued growth.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Tasha'Vel Versea, Knight Mactire
Winner Savant Tasha'Vel Versea
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Tasha'Vel Versea's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Mactire's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Club Vertica
Last Post 25 September, 2016 9:01 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Tasha'Vel Versea Kristeva
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: You had several issues in your final post that brought down your score. Rely on skilled proof readers and that will help you out. Rationale: A lack of previewing your post is what hurt you the most here, coupled with a clear lack of proofing. The mistakes you make are numerous. Don't be afraid to get help from a proof reader.
Story - 40%
Tasha'Vel Versea Kristeva
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: There isn't much of anything to hook in the reader and sink them into your story. It has a beginning, middle, and end but lacks the depth that is expected in a 4 grading. You attempted to add more depth to the scenario, using Mactire's initial post, but don't go beyond the superficial. Couple this with the lack of personality on display and you get an average score. Rationale: There was so much more you could have done to construct the story, but you still had the structure there. You put more effort into describing the Bothan than you do with your actual opponent, or setting the scene itself. Create substance and drag your reader into the event. Make it hum with life and paint the scene for them.
Realism - 25%
Tasha'Vel Versea Kristeva
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Disregard for the Aspects on both Character Sheets and a misuse of Force powers in the action that ended the fight. Rationale: Disregard for your opponent's Character Sheet and misuse of powers brought down this score. It is beyond a minor mistake in this regard.
Continuity - 20%
Tasha'Vel Versea Kristeva
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that I noted. Rationale: Nothing that I noted.
Tasha'Vel Versea's Score: 3.55 Kristeva's Score: 3.25
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Club Vertica

A gambler’s den of the Vertical City’s greatest bettors, Club Vertica is a casino reserved for the wealthiest of Nar Shaddaa. Cardshark droids are used exclusively to deal hands to those willing to risk their credits at the sabacc tables. Cheating is rendered near impossible under the surveillance of the droid's six photoreceptors. That of course does not stop the downtrodden from accusing others of being a fraud, which can often happen before someone receives a blaster bolt between the eyes. The few that have able to use skiffers undetected are counted as some of the best swindlers in the Galaxy.

Cerulean lights illuminate the tables, making concealment during a game difficult. Seated around most of the oval tables are a mix of gamblers from different species, succumbing to their addiction for the ultimate prize—the sabacc pot. Credits are tossed onto the tables forming mountains that draw in fierce competitors with deeper pockets and faster wit than the usual patrons.

Behind the games of sabacc, drinks are being served from the alcove of a small bar. Most of these are a shade of blue in color, expertly mixed to dull the senses of all but the hardiest individuals. Onstage, a local band sets the mood of the venue with an upbeat number that deafens out most conversations. The stakes are always high at Club Vertica.

Mactire sat at the sabacc table surrounded by the crowd of patrons at Club Vertica. His current predicament was much more preferable than what was awaiting him someplace else. A Bothan sat across from him tapping his claw lightly on the table. His jade green eyes, and greyish fur, signaled that he was old and wise. He wore black pants, Bothan hide boots and had a dark green vest on. The blaster rifle he had on his lap was distracting to Mactire not only from concentrating on his opponent but also from the game

Mactire looked at his opponent with his bluish-gold eyes. He was wearing his new Peacekeeper outfit, it’s color was a reddish-tan, along with his trench coat which had the Sapphire Squadron emblem on each side of his shoulders. Trying to read his opponent wasn’t easy, especially without using the aid of the Force.. 

 “Bet or fold human, I don’t have all day. The wife wants me back home soon,” he says half growling.

 “Alright alright. I bet. Geeze. Wow you're impatient for an old Bothan aren’t you?” Mactire says biting back lightly.

Putting the amount of credits on the table to match the bet everyone around the area gasps.

 Mactire slowly lifts his head from the cards in his hand and looks at the Bothan while feeling the icy cold gaze of someone watching him closely on the back of his neck.

“Pardon me mate, but is there anyone behind me looking like they are about to just, I don’t know snap and kill everyone?” Mactire asks quizzingly.

The Bothan nods slowly, “Yup she’s a real beauty. And she looks really angry. What did you do to piss her off?”

Mactire gulps slowly, turning around to see who is angry at him.

Please don’t let it be Tasha, anyone but her right now. Mactire thinks.

A Twi’lek stands glaring at him. Her emerald eyes emite pure rage as she locks them  onto Mactire. Her Sapphire skin and the jagged pattern entice many of the crowd to look at her. She is wearing her normal black combat robes. In her hands is a broken holocamcorder. 

 “MACTIRE!!!!! YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR BREAKING MY HOLOCAM THIS TIME!!!!” She enhances the power of her voice with the aid of the Force, to make some of the glasses and tables shake, as she yells letting the whole club know how angry she is.

Tasha raises her arms, looking at Mactire and the sabacc table and slams them down utilizing the quickly. Mactire’s hairs on the back of his neck stand up as he starts to feel a wave of air crash towards him.

Mactire rolls out of the way, while the table gets smashed along with the Bothan sitting at the other end of it.

Mactire looks at Tasha and smirks. “All this for a holocam? I told you I’d break them if I saw them in my face again.”

Tasha stews with anger, and hatred. Her stance and gaze make her look like a wild Krath hound. She charges towards Mactire, like a Rancor about to destroy anything it’s path. Her growl of rage would send shivers of paralytic fear down anyone’s back.

Mactire moves, placing his left palm on a table, sliding over it trying to keep his distance as she pulls a Virbodager from her boot.

 “You’re gonna be a human shish kabob Mactire,” she says throwing the dagger at his right shoulder.
Darth Renatus, 28 September, 2016 10:46 PM UTC

Syntax

As I'm sure you noticed after you posted, you accidentally triggered the Markdown style codes for "scripting". This can sometimes be triggered by copying directly from Microsoft Word into the ACC entry. If you are using this method, I recommend posting into a Notepad document to clear out Microsoft hidden formatting and then from the Notepad into the ACC.

but also from the game

Missing period at the end.

using the aid of the Force..

An ellipsis uses three period.

he says half growling.

Mactire says biting back lightly.

You shifted tense here. It should be past tense, using "said". In fact, you continue in the wrong tense for the rest of the post.

Her Sapphire skin

There is no reason for this to be capitalized.

slams them down utilizing the quickly.

I'm not even sure what you were going to say here, but there are words missing.

pulls a Virbodager from her boot.

It's "vibrodragger" and doesn't require a capital. It isn't a proper noun.

Realism

feel a wave of air crash towards him.

Force users aren't air benders. It would be a wave of telekinetic power. In this case, energy.


General Comments

You do a good job trying to describe the characters in the scene, but are lost in the rest of the details. The same care should be applied to the entirety, going into detail about their actions and the venue around them. This entire post has a robotic feeling to it, in terms of story, and never manages to hook the reader.

As the blade sailed through the air, the Shadow quickly slid himself to the right, just barely missing the edge of the vibrodagger.

“You can always get a new one, Tasha. Can’t we jus—”

“You broke my Holocam, Mactire. My Holocam worth thousands of credits! That piece of hardware was a gift!” Tasha interrupted as she threw out her hands and smacked Mactire across the room with a force of telekinetic energy. The brunt of the energy collided into him, knocking him back against another pazaak table, breaking it in half.

“I don’t care for a Shar Dakhan member destroying my property. I am not so forgiving as Sang would be.”

Many of the patrons had already cleared the room, save for a few that decided to watch how this argument would pan out.

Groaning, Mactire rose to his feet, staring at the oncoming Twi’lek. “So I can’t just ask nicely?” He tried to give his best winning smile. Looking at the Human, he saw the Marauder glare at him.

“Draw your weapon, Human scum,” she sneered while her left hand called her lightsaber. As the blade came to life with a crackling hiss, it bathed her face in a brilliant violet light. Putting her right foot back, she stood a bit sideways as she held the lightsaber slightly above her chest and out in front of her with both hands gripping its hilt tightly.

“Now do you have the courage to face me, or are you just going to run like a coward back to your leeching Quaestor for help?”

Cracking his neck a bit and slowing rising up from the broken table, Mactire stared back. “I never needed anyone’s help. I have always been able to hold my own, and I know I can do the same with you.”

“Such bold words. Now prove it, Human,” she yelled, charging towards the Gray Jedi.

Mactire didn’t have much time before the Marauder closed the distance between them. Thinking quickly, he leapt up and slammed his hand to the ground, hurtling a ripple of telekinetic force towards his opponent. Caught off guard, Tasha was flung backwards onto her back. As she began to stand, Mactire caught up to her with his own blue lightsaber in hand and slashed at the rising Twi’lek. Instinctively, Tasha rolled to the right, quickly brought up her own blade, and parried the slash before it struck her unprotected body.

“Not bad, Human.”

Darth Renatus, 28 September, 2016 10:59 PM UTC

Syntax

Cracking his neck a bit and slowing rising up from the broken table

Probably intended for "slowly rising" here.


General Comments

Looks like you did a lot of the ground work in laying out the full motivation for why a simple act as destruction of property would set Tasha off to these extents. Still, there isn't much in the way of hooks in the writing here. The picture painted is very superficial and doesn't draw the reader in. You have a lot of dialogue, but are overly repetitious with things like Tasha calling him 'Human' to end her sentences. On top of that, the dialogue lacks any personality for either of them.

Mactire stepped slowly spinning and twisting his blade in the forums that he had committed to muscle memory. All that training and he was still struggling against this Marauder. The blade hummed in the air as it spun from from stance to stance. Gliding eloquently in his hand. Almost mesmerizing to any onlookers.

Tasha looked at the Shadow, quickly thrusting and slashing her blade at him. She wanted him dead, the power and rage behind her attacks could prove that alone.

Mactire kept up with his own movements as their blades collided constantly almost as if there was a stalemate between them. Though fatigue was slowly catching up to Mactire. If he kept going at his pace his chances for winning were becoming less and less.

As the Twi’lek thrust again synging his coat she smirked lightly laughing. “Well guess I finally hit something. Next time you’re dead Mac.” She leapt in the air, spinning and slashing her saber down hard.

Mactire blocked, while turning to the left side allowing his coat to slowly flow off of him. Revealing his Vibroclaws. This match was far from over.

He leapt back a few yards quickly and assessed the situation. Looking around the room he saw a few objects that he could use as distractions if possible but first he would need to get her off balance. That would be the toughest part. He had to time this just right. It was a 50-50 chance of something going right or wrong. Worth the risk in his mind.

The Shadow charged, turning his blade to the reverse grip, allowing this to be his best shot at defense if things went south. As he charged Tasha got ready to parry and strike.

Mactire slammed his right palm into the ground with all his might, sending a telekinetic wave completely around the building making everything fall over and shake. Several of the remaining people fled the building.

The Marauder started to stumble, and try to catch her balance. Mactire pushed forward running as fast as he could. He then planted a high knee into her face sending her back against a table.

Her eyes wandered up to him as she laid there slightly dazed. Slowly she stood up shaking her head.

“Uhg. My head feels like a Bantha stomped on it. You Sithspit, you’re gonna pay for that.” the acid in her voice was volatile enough to melt durasteel.

She slowly raised her arms getting ready for another attack. Mactire took this opportunity to strike. He kicked her hard in the gut forcing her to lose concentration and making her double over.

With her back to him he used his right Vibroclaw, slicing down her left arm, digging into her tendons and nervous tissues, making her drop her saber from loss of muscle control.

Her scream of pain enhanced by the Focre, and her own inner power, shook the room, breaking some glasses that were still on tables and on the shelves.

Mactire slowly stumbled back dazed looking at her. Her eyes were wide in shock, pain, and rage.

“Fine Human. You win for now. But I’ll get you for my holocamera, and MY ARM!” she shouted normally before stumbling out of the club while possibly trying to heal.

“Well great now I need to get this coat fixed. Damn Marauders always destroying bars, and cloths for revenge. Can’t trust any of them.” Mactire grumbles.

Seeing Tasha’s saber on the ground Mactire walks over to it and picks it up, clipping it to his belt. When he see’s her back at the Clan base he’ll return it to her. Or better yet just drop it off at her office when she’s not there. No need to cause anymore problems then he already has.

Darth Renatus, 28 September, 2016 11:13 PM UTC

Syntax

Mactire stepped slowly spinning and twisting his blade in the forums that he had committed to muscle memory.

Either some comma use at the beginning would help out greatly, or better word choice, because you fail to depict what you are intending to deliver to the reader. Also, "forums" should be "forms". Even then, you should be showing us what those forms look like. Don't expect us to just know.

it spun from from stance to stance.

Repetitious "from".

Mactire kept up with his own movements as their blades

"his own movements" just doesn't work here. Of course he is keeping up with them, he's the one making them.

between them. Though fatigue was slowly catching up to Mactire. If he kept going at his pace his chances

"Though, fatigue" would work better, and it should be part of the previous sentence instead of its own. Additionally, it should be "this pace".

As the Twi’lek thrust again synging his coat she smirked lightly laughing.

It should be "again, synging his coat, she". Commas help with flow and understanding.

Revealing his Vibroclaws.

No need for a capital on "vibroclaws".

pay for that.” the acid in her voice

she shouted normally before

If you're not doing "he said, she said" then you need a capital.

nervous tissues

Should be singular.

You slipped between tenses again in this post.

Realism

sending a telekinetic wave completely around the building making everything fall over and shake.

Telekinetic pound isn't remotely this powerful. It is explicitly described as a "small detonation".

She slowly raised her arms getting ready for another attack. Mactire took this opportunity to strike. He kicked her hard in the gut forcing her to lose concentration and making her double over.

Your opponent has +4 Precognition, giving her plenty of time to react to your attacks. This reads as a disregard for her CS.

Using her strength, she pushed Mactire’s blade back, making him take a couple steps back as he tried to hold against her.

“She is a lot stronger than I thought. I need to break away somehow.”

Steeling himself and clearing his thoughts, the Shadow leaped backwards and landed beside a couple tables. Tasha smiled at her opponent.

“A little too much for you to handle then?”

“No, I just needed to find a solution.” Mactire responded.

Amused at what he might do, Tasha observed her opponent from the short distance.

“Since this is only a matter of a broken Holocam, would you agree to fight with fists rather than weapons?” He asked as he waited.

“That is a warrior-like request, all right Mactire. If you put away your weapons and I put away mine, we will fight it out with fists one to one.”

Deactivating her lightsaber, Tasha then clipped it back to her side while Mactire put away his own. He then moved back towards the center where Tasha was standing, put his fists close to his chest, and danced around rhythmically as he readied himself.

Tasha bowed respectfully and gracefully placed her feet a bit wider than her shoulders and bent her knees while twisting her torso in a 45 degree angle. After twisting, she extended both of her hands fully in front of her body with her open palms turned outward.

“Give me your best shot, Mactire.” She replied motioning her left hand for him to proceed forward.

Tasha observed her opponent, preparing herself for his attack. As he quickly rushed forward, Tasha raised her arms to cover her upper body and defend herself from a frontal assault, but was caught off guard when Mactire suddenly dropped to the ground and slid past her at incredible speed. Instinctively, she brought up her right arm to shield the side of her head from an oncoming blow, however he was quick to adapt.

After Mactire had dove past Tasha, he used his speed to spring himself up with a hand stand and pivoted his body counter-clockwise swinging his legs to kick her. He realized that the Twi’lek had raised her arm to block the intended head blow. To compensate, he relaxed his arms and let his body drop to alter the trajectory. As his left leg swung past her, Mactire’s right leg impacted on her side, but with less momentum than he intended which weakened the blow. He then proceeded to kick off her back with his left leg and rolled forward using the force of the kick to spring himself up to a standing position with a half spin so he would still be facing his opponent.

Tasha staggered a bit and groaned. Though it didn’t hit full force, the blow still stung. Half smiling, Tasha turned to face the constantly moving Mactire and could observe that he was falling into the same pattern of movement when he danced about. Taking this into account, she began focusing her mind and soon felt the Force surround her. As she continued to focus, her body moved faster as she felt a rage burn within her. Mactire suddenly sensed the Force weakening within him slightly and his movements became sluggish. As he readied himself, Tasha charged in and put out her left hand. Mactire could feel his whole body pull right towards the oncoming Twi’lek.

“Oh damn!” He yelled just as Tasha pivoted counter-clockwise with her right hip, sending a right fist hook punch and connected with his chin. He felt his jaw dislocate as the force of the strike turned his head, with the blow nearly knocking him out cold. The last thing he could recall was hearing Tasha yell.

“And this is for breaking my Holocam!”

Tasha then sent one final blow to the back of Mactire’s head rendering him unconscious.

Darth Renatus, 28 September, 2016 11:24 PM UTC

Syntax

a solution.” Mactire responded.

Should be a comma in this, not a period.

weapons?” He asked as he waited.

This should be "he asked", since they are part of the same sentence.

Story

Tasha then sent one final blow to the back of Mactire’s head rendering him unconscious.

This is a very sudden conclusion to the fight. Yes, Mactire is out cold but he isn't the perspective of the reader. There is still more to the story than this sudden blow, so tell it.

Realism

“Since this is only a matter of a broken Holocam, would you agree to fight with fists rather than weapons?” He asked as he waited.

“That is a warrior-like request, all right Mactire. If you put away your weapons and I put away mine, we will fight it out with fists one to one.”

This breaks with the Aspects both of you use for your Character Sheets. Executioner, "I will find your weakness", Once More Unto The Breach, and Tiny, But Fierce don't allow for anything quite like this. If "warrior-like" honor is something you are after, it should be listed here.

Taking this into account, she began focusing her mind and soon felt the Force surround her. As she continued to focus, her body moved faster as she felt a rage burn within her. Mactire suddenly sensed the Force weakening within him slightly and his movements became sluggish

This reads like you're using Rage or Amplification in conjunction with Suppression. At +1, you aren't using as advanced a power as Suppression with anything else, let alone in the middle of combat like this.