Savant Mune Cinteroph vs. Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor

Savant Mune Cinteroph

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Krath
vs.

Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
Comment

This was an enjoyable scenario-type match. You both took a standard bounty-collection mission and played well with its setting and NPCs. The story started with the introduction of a main opponent and an environmental danger and concluded with the resolution of both these factors, showing that you fed off each others' posts well.

Lexic: You open the match with a good technical presentation of the opponents and the environmental obstacles, as well as the disposition of the two main characters. In the body post Realism falters when you write Lexiconus using a Feat he does not posses. The use or misuse of a single word can change the meaning of the text entirely, so it is worth double-checking when it comes to Force power usage. The battle hesitation on the part of Lexiconus is well executed. In this case, it comes at the price of the fighting sequence which should be happening behind it, but it can be easily fixed by alternating Lexiconus' thought processes with glimpses of the action.

Mune: You make good use of the props provided by the opening post, and the main opponent makes an entrance in your body post. The action sequences are diverse and carry the story forward. Apart from the will to survive the encounter, there is not much in your posts about what drives the characters to succeed in this mission. Your final post presents a minor problem with interpreting Mune's physical strength, otherwise it is a good example of how the setting can be used to make the story exciting.

In terms of scores, you were very close to each other. As expected in a singular-ending dynamic, Lexic performed well in the opening of the story and Mune likewise in its conclusion. In the end Lexic's slip in Realism was more onerous than Mune's issues in Continuity and Realism, thus granting the match to the latter.

The winner is Savant Mune Cinteroph

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Mune Cinteroph, Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor
Winner Savant Mune Cinteroph
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Mune Cinteroph's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Coruscant: Level 1313
Last Post 15 September, 2016 4:14 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Some issues with punctuation of speech quotations, some unstructured sentences, punctuation occasionally damages the pace of the writing. Some of these issues are explained in the post comments. Rationale: Some inconsistent capitalisation, issues with punctuation around speech quotations, minor issues with sentence structure. A few examples are explained in the individual post comments.
Story - 40%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The flow of the writing from Lexic's first post to yours could be improved. Little of Mune's stake in the battle—apart from survival—comes through in the two posts. The action is varied and interesting, and makes good use of the environment. Rationale: Some odd word choices which spoil the conveyed imagery. Interesting portrayal of Lexiconus' attitude to battle, but at the cost of largely ignoring a fighting sequence. A basic story, but well set-up in the opening post, with the introduction of characters, NPCs and the environment.
Realism - 25%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: An overestimation of Mune's *Might* when he lifts Lexiconus over his back in the middle of battle. Rationale: Lexiconus redirects blaster bolts without having the **Bounce It** Feat in his Character Sheet. Using a Feat not listed in the Character Sheet is a major detractor.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: An injury to Mune's left arm changes location in the final post. Lexiconus' leg injury from post 3 is not addressed. Rationale: No issues found.
Adept Mune Cinteroph's Score: 3.45 Qor Kith's Score: 3.4
Posts

Coruscant Level 1313

So named because it is located one thousand, three hundred, and thirteen levels from the core of Coruscant, Level 1313 is distanced from the politics of the upper levels. Overlooking the chasm burrowing further into Coruscant’s core, one can watch freighters transporting their illicit cargo between levels. One misstep would send the careless careening into the bottomless pit, or aid the local gangs in staging “accidents.”

Weathered duracrete forms the retainer along the chasm wall, built in concentric rings that descend down an untold height. Strengthened with solid durasteel braces, maintenance has not been needed this far into Coruscant for a long time. Nevertheless, droids pre-programmed to fill in the cracks and crevices that might form in the walls float on repulsorlifts without drawing attention from the criminal gangs; themselves, being focused on their next smuggling operation or struggle for control over Coruscant’s scum-filled underbelly.

Lexiconus stared into gaping maw of the Coruscanti chasm and his focus spaced out, only on the low hums coming from below. His breathing slowed as sweat began to trickle and surround him. The vehicles ascending and descending grew quiet, fading from his attention. Only the vibrations of the chasm existed in his head, and it called to the Quarren. It flowed through his body, shaking his legs and giving him a cold shiver but it refused to give in. Lexiconus was only dragged back to reality when he heard the muffled calls of his partner, retrieving him from his faded state.

“Lex! Hey! You in there?” The vulpine-eared Human stared into his pale eyes with worry. The concern was respected by the Quaestor, but this wasn’t the time to be comforting.

“Yes, sorry. I just thought I saw something, is all. Nothing serious, totally not.” Lexiconus lied, but Mune rolled his eyes and flicked the reply with his hand. He knew it was a lie, but the hybrid didn’t take it to heart.

“So, tell me again, the mission statement. Why are we here?” Mune prodded the Quaestor for the information he desired, to test the Quarren’s actual focus. But Lexiconus caught his eyes slowly looking back at the deep chasm once more. A strong slap whipped against his cheek from the Hybrid. The Quarren jumped back in shock and collapsed against the metallic wall and onto his rear.

“Oh, sorry. Erm, we’re here to collect a bounty of a Jim Petcher. A thief who stole some blueprints from Judecca.” Lexiconus yanked the bulky datapad from his satchel and reread the information to himself. He then reiterated it to Mune. “It says the distinguishing feature he has is two cybernetic arms, capable of gripping five hundred pounds each. So, we better watch for those. It says he is proficient with a sword too, fancied himself an upgrade and stole an armoury lightsaber, too. The man sounds brave.” Mune scoffed and leaned on the hand rail, observing the traffic of the chasm. He disagreed.

“Or completely stupid. The Sith and Jedi are not forgiving when it comes to thievery of lightsabers. History will repeat itself.” That confused the Quarren, he thought Mune was a new asset to the clan, clearly he was wrong. There wasn’t any record of someone stealing a lightsaber from their Clan before. But then again, if their body was disposed of, why would there be records? Deciding to not press the topic, Lexiconus stood and saw a stairway leading down. The duo approached the metal staircase and noticed it was blowing in the wind. With an unstable hand rail that could be broken with a yank and the stairs were dotted with rust and eroded holes, Lexiconus could see it was in disrepair. He gulped heavily and looked back at Mune.

“Can we risk it? I mean, it’s not a far jump, right?”

“For me, no it is not.” Mune grinned brightly, his canines bared with confidence. It didn’t help with the Quarren’s nerves. Deciding to just wing it, Lexiconus slowly began to descend the wobbly staircase. His hand firmly on the hand rail to stop it from falling off, the stairs bounced like a diving board each time he stepped on them. Carefully glancing down beneath his feet, the Quarren could only see the darkness of the chasm. With each careful step he took, Mune was behind him giggling away. The hybrid teased Lexiconus and began to gently hop on the rusty staircase, as the metal whined with an overbearing tension. But their concentration was disturbed.

“Hey jelly legs!” At the end of the staircase, Mune and Lexiconus saw a trio of ragged-dressed men with blasters. Two Rodians behind a Gand, who had a very large rifle in his claws. His breath mask took in a big breath, then he continued.

“Take off your belts, your credit pouches, that stupid purse on the squid’s waist and any other weapons. Then throw them over, now!” The Gand cocked his rifle and aimed carefully at the Quarren. He took a look at his bag and grumbled in protest.

“It is a masculine satchel filled with medical equipment, you uncultured swine!” Lexiconus snarled, while Mune giggled more. The Quaestor turned to the hybrid and whispered.

“He wants your weapons too, you know?” But Mune chuckled to himself and patted the Quarren with comfort. “Don’t worry, he will get them.” He replied, and slowly reached for his lightsaber.

Korroth, 18 September, 2016 2:18 PM UTC

Syntax

into gaping maw

Missing article here, into the gaping maw

Only the vibrations of the chasm... it called to the Quarren. It flowed through... but it refused to give in.

When using pronouns in a long string of sentences, make sure that they agree with the initial subject. Here, "it" should be "they", to make it agree with "the vibrations", which is plural: Only the vibrations of the chasm... they called to the Quarren. They flowed through... but they refused to give in.

giving him a cold shiver but it refused to give in.

A comma after "shiver" would have completed the pacing of the sentence, They flowed through his body, shaking his legs and giving him a cold shiver, but they refused to give in.

a new asset to the clan

You use "the Clan" in the next sentence. Make sure you capitalise words consistently. In this case, since it refers to a specific clan, it should be "the Clan".

Story

sweat began to trickle and surround him.

"Surround" is associated with something that encircles or is positioned uniformly around an object, rather than being directly on it. Otherwise, a good physical representation of Lexiconus' distress.


This post does a nice job of setting up the nature of the mission, the mood of the two characters and the environment. The fighting does not start, but you introduce action and danger with the rickety staircase. You also present a basic description of the NPC opponent, which is always a good idea when the NPC does not have a Character Sheet of their own.

“Don’t worry, he will get them,” Mune replied softly, his hand relaxed on the familiar grip of his lightsaber.

Any mirth he may have felt had made an expedient retreat. He made mental note, however, to tease the squid further about his purse once their mission had been completed. He stared across the open space, eyes studious of the three men threatening them. Did they necessarily know to whom they issued threats? Mune could only assume, based on pure observation; that they would have issued the threats to just about anyone they could make a few credits off of.

“Come on, I am only so patient. The belts, credits, purse and weapons. Now!”

A steady hand, Mune noted.

“I am sure we can talk about this, no need to act as common brigands. Squid’s purse will definitely not go with your attire anyway, I assure you.” Mune spoke, his eyes all for the Gand. He was the leader, the hybrid decided. Quite likely, even the gentleman they sought. Though, he mentally checked himself, gentleman was not a term likely pinned on this guy. Though… he admitted to himself he could not note any robotic arms. Discarding the idea that this was Jim, he re-evaluated their current position.

There was a sharp intake of air through his breathing mask, the Gand’s next works angrier than the y had been. “I will shoot, and I don’t miss!”

“I know you are new and all… or returning and all… or something… Could you just maybe stop spurring him on?” Lexiconus hissed in his own growing irritation. He shot the hybrid a glare, though realized quickly that his companion was up to something. Mune’s eyes were focussed, bright with intention. The Quarren shifted his gaze back to the thugs, and he could see the two Rodians becoming unsteady. He watched the unease between them then a nervous exchange of words in Rodese.

The Savant kept focussed, manipulating the illusion, ignoring a bead of swept that ran down the side of his face. Then a cry echoed off the chasm walls. One of the Rodians had shot the other. Jim, to Mune’s surprise, did not flinch. Rather, he fired. Only by mere milliseconds was Mune ahead of Lex. His arm slammed into his companion’s chest and pinned him against the wall as the rifle bolt whizzed by harmlessly to hit a wall somewhere beyond them.

The stairs creaked, and whined under their feet. The yawning abyss below, a frightening reminder of just where they would wind up with the slightest misstep. There was near no time to think, however, when the remaining Rodian and their target both started to openly fire upon them.

Lex’ saber hissed to life in a wicked cascade of violent red light. Mune ducked, his own saber a brilliant wash of purple. With trained precision, both deflected the onslaught before throwing themselves forward. Over the heads of the two thugs and landing with a metallic clang on the aged gratings behind them. The catwalk groaned ominously. Frankly, Lex could not believe it was holding at all. He kept picturing being flung off into the gaping chasm to his death. Swallowed up by the void.

“Stop daydreaming,” Mune warned.

Lex’ saber came up in a vicious arc. The remaining Rodian’s arm came away to be taken by the chasm along with the shrieks of the alien. Mune’s saber finished him with a quick stab through the chest, abruptly, silent. The Gand had already backed up and his rifle was up taking aim.

Mune struck outwards. The Force crashed into the Gand, his rifle ripped from his fingers. Both equites could well hear some claws break with disturbing wet cracks. Lex struck the point home. His saber rent the air and so with it, the Gand’s body. Their would be mugger fell from the stairs and into the darkness below… engulfed.

A yelp brought Lex’ attention back around. The Savant had caught a saber struck aimed to his head with his own, though pressed perilously close to being thrown over the railing of the catwalk. The whirr of machinery, cybernetics working at overpowering with brute force. Jim Petcher. The metal groaned and whined before finally, with a metallic ping the railing loosened further, bowing outwards. Lex could only surmise that the thug had used the moment Mune had thrown the Gand off balance, to attack the distracted Savant from behind. It was likely only the Force and Mune’s reflexes that had kept the hybrid from being taken out on the spot.

The current situation could not be described as any better; Lex thought wryly.

“The… ignorant should not play with toys they… do not understand.” Mune warned with an edge of a vicious growl.

Korroth, 18 September, 2016 2:28 PM UTC

Syntax

Mune’s saber finished him with a quick stab through the chest, abruptly, silent

Here the adjective "silent" is left hanging without a noun, making the sentence look incomplete. Re-reading your writing out loud or in your mind is not a bad idea to spot this kind of awkward syntax.

caught a saber struck aimed to his head

You should be using the noun "strike' here, rather than the verb.

The stairs creaked, and whined under their feet.

Removing the comma here will make the sentence flow much better.

should not play with toys they… do not understand.” Mune warned

Here the statement "Mune warned" follows directly from the sentence in the speech quotes, so it should be preceded by a comma: should not play with toys they… do not understand,” Mune warned. See the Syntax section of the ACC guide for further explanation and examples.

Story

“Don’t worry, he will get them,” Mune replied softly, his hand relaxed on the familiar grip of his lightsaber.

An ACC match should read as if there were no break in the writing from one post to the other. Repeating whatever happened at the end of the previous post breaks that flow. To avoid this break, try to start your writing where the previous post left off, and no sooner than that. You do this quite well in your final post, in fact.

“I will shoot, and I don’t miss!”

There is a long interval between this and the Gand actually firing. In the time that it takes for Mune to prepare the illusion, the Gand is apparently doing nothing. It is an easy issue to fix—simply start describing Mune's illusion sooner in the sequence. As you write your story, keep in mind what each main character is doing, so that you don't leave awkward gaps in a particular character's actions.


Overall, this is a good body post. It progresses the story by initiating the actual fighting, it introduces the main NPC opponent and it sustains the element of danger provided by the environment.

Caught off-guard by their newest of foes, Mune wrestled and writhed in his autonomous grip. His yelps and calls for aid hard pressed Lexiconus to act, but the Battlemaster was not overfond of his combat skills. Ankles and shins met with the rickety metal, as the struggle between the hybrid and Jim consumed them. The hybrid grew stronger in the Force, as he called it to his favour, but a stream of sweat and red rose to his face.

“Take him out, Lex. His arm.” Mune pleaded to the Quaestor, but he hesitated with lightsaber in hand. His growls were becoming animalistic loud, a sign of Mune’s imminent defeat. Lexiconus looked back to lightsaber, aiming the blade to Jim’s arm, trying his best to feign confidence in skill. But his shaky arms and the worry spread across his face, didn’t portray a blade master confidence that he needed. A chuckle bellowed from their target, his teeth dotted with white and silver pieces.

“You ain’t got the guts or glory to do it, ’ave ya?” He pressed the Quarren, adding a cheeky wink for insult. Lexiconus tried to think it through in the little time he had. One plan was simple, to stab through Mune and hit the target with great precision, but at great risk of killing Mune on the job and losing half the profits. Another idea was to give Mune his own lightsaber and let the hybrid end the struggle, but his arms and focus was occupied, to not be crush by arms capable of delivering five hundred pounds in weight. But the last and more friendly plan seemed best. A shriek let out by Mune urged Lexiconus on, he was running out of time.

I have to do this now! No more time for thinking

The Battlemaster spun on the metal grid, his blade scraping an orange valley through the wall, then flung the blade out into the abyss. Together in unison, Mune and Jim looked out into the darkness in confusion.

“You...you tossed your weapon away? ‘Ave you lost it, mate?” Jim turned his head back to face the Quarren, only he couldn’t see him. A strike to his nether-regions with a firm foot caused Jim to crumble and fall back. Peering under Mune’s arm, Lexiconus smirked and watched the target collapse into the fetal position and onto the catwalk. The hybrid turned and gave him a swift kick to the back. A single jolt of movement and a groan was all they heard from Jim, who curled back up again.

“I have to ask, Lex,” Mune approached his partner and patted his shoulder, a sign of good work. “Why did you throw your lightsaber away? Was that the only plan you had?” The Quaestor shrugged as he scanned the horizon for an exit.

“My initial plan was to swing the blade back around and cut him in half, but that has the probability of cutting you in half too. When I noticed his attention was diverted to the rogue weapon, I took the chance to paralyse his member.” Lexiconus replied, as his eyes targeted a hangar port with a service exit. Rank and file moved quickly out from the door, and towards them.

“Improvisation, I like it. So, now what?” Mune asked, but as his partner was about to answer, but the Quarren pointed to the readied firing squad opposite them.

“Now, we run!”

Spears of red and green darted between their heads and feet, as the riflemen followed and anticipated their movements. Lexiconus was capable of redirecting several bolts with an open palm and the Force, while Mune gracefully weaved his way around them like a salsa dance. Leaping back onto the rickety walkway they came from, Lexiconus was too slow and his calf was cut by a blaster bolt. The Quarren tripped and smacked his head against the cold steel of the bannister. Mune turned and watched as it happened, reaching down to pick up Lexiconus’ body.

“Lex, get up! We gotta move!” The hybrid pleaded, but the Quarren was non-responsive. With bolts flying past his head, Mune needed a planning chance.

Korroth, 18 September, 2016 2:56 PM UTC

Syntax

calls for aid hard pressed Lexiconus to act

Hard-pressed is an adjective. "calls for aid pressed Lexiconus to act" would have been sufficient.

I took the chance to paralyse his member.” Lexiconus replied

This is a single sentence, where "Lexiconus replied" describes what is happening within the speech marks, so there should be a comma after "his member": I took the chance to paralyse his member,” Lexiconus replied. See the Syntax section of the ACC guide for further explanation and examples.

Story

aiming the blade to Jim’s arm

You do not say how Jim physically reacts to this attack. This action is left hanging as a loose thread.

A chuckle bellowed from their target

When combining descriptive words like this, make sure their meaning is clear to you. A "chuckle" is a low quiet laugh, while "to bellow" is to emit a deep loud roar. The reader might have difficulty forming an image from these opposing ideas.

Realism

Lexiconus was capable of redirecting several bolts with an open palm and the Force

Careful about word usage here. Deflection only absorbs and dissipates blaster energy. Without the Bounce It Feat, Lexiconus is not able to redirect blaster bolts with the Force, making this a break in Realism.


This post does a good job of addressing Lexiconus' insecurities and hesitation in battle. However, you mostly missed an opportunity to describe the fight between Mune and Jim. Interspersing Lexiconus' deliberations with snippets of the action sequence would have increased the sense of urgency and would have made the picture more complete.

His mind raced, calculating, analyzing, and putting together fragments of a complicated puzzle that he had very little time to decipher. The blueprints… he had snatched them, or what he had hoped had been them when they were in close enough proximity to each other. Things had gotten horribly intimate with the man.

“Though not as intimate as he got with Lexi’s boot…” he muttered to himself to try and ease some of his tension.

He felt with a jolt a bolt graze his left arm. The pain shot through him, a fresh rush of adrenaline. He had to focus. He had to get him and his Quaestor out alive with the blueprints. He inched back step by step, the Quarren draped over his back. He willed his body to keep up to the shots being fired, lightsaber deflecting the bolts he could while he focussed on deflecting the rest. Something clicked. A wicked grin crossed his lips. He redirected the Force to increase his strength, and with a grunt threw Lexiconus back onto the safety of the landing.

The stairs groaned, he bit his lower lip, keeping the pain under control from his right arm even as he was ever so slowly healing the damage. He dropped to a knee, making himself a smaller target on the center of the stairs, using the angles to help cover himself as best he could manage. They were closing fast, their firing growing closer to hitting their intended target. The loud ring of metal filled his ears then grew distant again while he gathered his focus again. One shot… two… three were dispersed from his barrier. A twitch, a shock, another bolt grazing his left thigh. The muscles clenched, the pain pulsed but he forced it back hard, letting the blood trickle through the fabric of his trousers to drip on rusted steel and to the abyss below.

Mune’s eyes narrowed as three of the brigands closed. He could make out Jim further behind barking orders. He was of no immediate concern, he reminded himself. His eyes narrowed further, the Force roaring through him. He grabbed it, drew it in tight in a passionate embrace and let it swallow him whole. He lashed out, bolt after bolt ripped violently from the wall. The anchors that held the platform and stairs to the more solid structure released from their mooring. Violently, the entire thing churned and whined, then a metallic cry of its structural integrity giving up, was all the men heard before the gratings fell from under their feet.

Every breath was harsh, rasping from his lungs. He was sweaty, exhausted but he remained focussed, another anchor ripping free with extraneous effort, dropping a few more of the attackers into the darkness that threatened to devour them all. He could already feel the stairs sagging precariously towards his own death.

“Yer insane mate!” Jim yelled across the crumbling platform to the hybrid.

Mune’s ear twitched, catching the words distantly. His eyes lifted and locked with the man’s. He saw clearly the blaster levelled at him. Someone taking time to aim? That was new, Mune thought. The bolt caught his left shoulder. He could not bite back the scream of pain that exploded past his lips. The energy had not dispersed enough to nullify the bolt, but it was enough to keep it from any damage too serious to be dealt with… if he found medical help. His vision swam. He pulled himself up one step, then another.

Jim did not stick around, he knew his own position was about to dump him into the abyss. He laughed, no idea he had lost his prizes, and only his life was left to him, for now. Mune heard the stairs in their death throws under him.

“Almost there…” he muttered, as if saying it out loud would give him strength.

Another step.... and another… Then he felt the stairs pitch and drop. He felt sudden vertigo. He never got vertigo, he thought for a moment. They dropped away. A spasm through his right shoulder, a sudden weight that he recognized as his own mass tugged on the joint. He wondered how that was. His gaze drew up, eyes met Lexiconus’. All became darkness.

Lexiconus grunted. With a heave, he had the hybrid over the lip of safety and dragged him back. Their pursuers had been thwarted, of that, he had no doubts. He pulled his companion to his feet, and, so, began the arduous return back to the surface.

“Good work…” he spoke into the darkness, knowing Mune likely did not hear. “Smart of you to slip the plans to me before getting me out of harm’s way too…” He could not help but wonder if their target still ran free with the stolen saber though. Perhaps, they would see Jim again, he hoped not. He hoped the man knew better than to cross their path again.

Korroth, 18 September, 2016 3:21 PM UTC

Syntax

Violently, the entire thing churned and whined, then a metallic cry of its structural integrity giving up, was all the men heard before the gratings fell from under their feet.

The length of this sentence makes it awkward to read. It would flow better if you split it in two.

Story

*ever so slowly healing the damage.

You do not mention the conclusion of this usage of the Force. Was Mune able to keep his concentration for long enough? Was the wound healed successfully?

Every breath was harsh, rasping from his lungs. He was sweaty, exhausted but he remained focussed, another anchor ripping free with extraneous effort

Good job describing the strain required to use the Force in this way. "Extraneous" doesn't fit here, you could have used "extreme" or "extraneous" for example.

Realism

the Quarren draped over his back. He willed his body to keep up to the shots being fired, lightsaber deflecting the bolts he could while he focussed on deflecting the rest.

Going by his Character Sheet Skills, Mune is not a particularly strong character. Even in ideal circumstances he would require a significant amount of strain to lift Lexiconus over his back. To be doing this while under fire and deflecting shots with both lightsaber and the Force indicates a misapplication of the Skill Might.

Continuity

keeping the pain under control from his right arm

A Continuity issue here: in the previous paragraph the injury was to the left arm.

He pulled his companion to his feet, and, so, began the arduous return back to the surface.

Here Lexiconus is carrying the unconscious Mune, but in the previous post he was struck in the calf by a blaster bolt. This would have been an appropriate place to address the injury again—was he powering through the pain as he walked? Did he manage to heal it previously?