Knight Tahiri Drakon Night-Thorn vs. Knight blackhawk

Knight Tahiri Drakon Night-Thorn

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Tarentum
Female Togruta, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Knight blackhawk

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Tarentum
Male Clawdite, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

This "Unleashed" Venue provided an interesting plot device, and both of you took full advantage of this to explore how your characters dealt with a mental assault. At the same time, this device distracted you from the central purpose of an ACC match, which the conflict between the two participating characters.

Blackhawk

You had several interesting ideas in your opening post that could have made for an engaging story. You explained why both Blackhawk and Tahiri came to the Venue, and also why they might have a reason for conflict. Carrying these ideas through to your subsequent posts would have made your story and plot more coherent and impactful. Another way to flesh out your posts would be to expand your descriptions. The environment, the characters, the actions, these are all things that you can make real in your reader's mind by painting a picture with words.

In terms of Realism, when you write any kind of physical interaction, always try to relate it to the Skills on the Character Sheets. This way the actions you write will reflect the two characters' abilities and attributes.

Tahiri

Your posts stood out for the way they depicted the relationship between the two characters. By shedding light on the bonds and doubts that exist between them, you gave life to the characters in the reader's mind. From this position, you can develop an interesting conflict between the two combatants and explore how the battle changes them. In this particular match, you chose to focus on the characters' struggle against the dark side spirits, meaning that you missed the more important conflict that should have been happening between Tahiri and Blackhawk. An ACC builds and develops around the confrontation of the two characters, and any external intervention runs the risk of distracting the writer from that purpose.

In terms of Syntax, the two best things you can do are to make use of the Preview button and to proofread your posts. Wether it's you re-reading the text or a friend reviewing it, you will undoubtedly spot and sort out many of the issues that came up in this match.

The winner of this match is Knight Tahiri Drakon Night-Thorn. Both of you made excellent use of the Venue and exploited its storytelling potential. I'd very much like to see you both developing your characters' ability to create conflict and rivalry. You have a solid grounding as writers and ACCers, and there's no reason why you shouldn't continue to experiment and grow!

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 8 out of 8
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Tahiri Drakon Night-Thorn, Knight blackhawk
Winner Knight Tahiri Drakon Night-Thorn
Force Setting Unleashed
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Tahiri Drakon Night-Thorn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight blackhawk's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [UNLEASHED] Valley of the Jedi
Last Post 2 November, 2016 1:23 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
blackhawk Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: A few errors, otherwise well done on this front. Rationale: Repeated issues with commas, word use and formatting that distract from the reading of the posts. A good proofread might have bumped this up.
Story - 40%
blackhawk Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: You hinted at motivations in your opening post, but did not follow through later on. Focusing on the interaction and conflict between the two characters and expanding on your descriptions will help you to improve this score. Rationale: You explore the relationship between the two characters and the way they deal with the external threat. There is some action in your posts, which you can flesh out and develop further in your next matches.
Realism - 25%
blackhawk Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: One minor issue with the use of Might and Amplification. Rationale: Two minor issues with interpreting Telepathy and other mind-based Force Powers.
Continuity - 20%
blackhawk Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I could find. Rationale: No issues I could find.
blackhawk's Score: 3.4 Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae's Score: 3.5
Posts

Combat Master’s Note: This venue was designed for use with the Unleashed Force power setting. However, unless both combatants agree, Force powers as listed in the setting of the battle MUST be followed. If participants decide differently they must alert the Combat Master before the battle concludes, or else the battle will be judged with standard Realism grades for Force power usage. See http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Valley_of_the_Jedi for more information on this location.

The Valley of the Jedi. The legendary location of the final battle under the surface of Ruusan, between the Army of Light and the Brotherhood of Darkness. The battle ended in an instant when the thought bomb detonated, trapping the spirits of hundreds of powerful Force users within the Valley for over a thousand years.

You stand near the edge of that very cave, waiting on the tiered stone steps that circle the Valley. The ground is rocky and uneven, sloping downwards towards the center. Stalagmites litter the floor, small outcroppings of rock thrust out from the ground like huge stone blades. But the piles of rocks pale in size compared to the stone statues circling the Valley in perfectly concentric circles. The statues seem almost alive, as if the faces of the dead had been perfectly captured in the carvings and still held traces of the doomed souls they represented.

In the Valley's center, an enormous mound is raised from the ground surrounded by six stone obelisks. From the mound, a blinding light explodes upwards, casting a soft glow of orange, yellow, and red over the entire cave. The light is a source of unimaginable power, an outpouring of pure energy able to strengthen one's connection to the Force—a Force Nexus.

Standing near it, you feel the currents washing over you. The Force practically hums with suppressed power, buzzing against you as if electricity was caressing your skin. Already your strength feels limitless, but you know that by basking in the vibrant light of the crystal, you will achieve ultimate power.

But you are not alone in your quest. The power of the Valley has drawn others to Ruusan. As you prepare for battle, you feel the Force flow through you… waiting to be unleashed.

Blackhawk stood at the edge of the cave, feeling the rush of power. He could sense the darkness here. It was almost tangible. He should have known, but he was still somewhat surprised when he felt a familiar presence nearby. Tahiri.

He'd heard about some kind of phenomenon, and had been sent to check it out. Deciding he may need a partner, Blackhawk asked Tahiri to meet him here. Why he was surprised by her presence was a mystery to him. Deciding to check it out, Blackhawk descended into the cave. He could feel the the intensity increasing be the second.

How could I have this kind of power suppressed within me all along? And why would this place suddenly bring it all out?

Blackhawk couldn't help but question the motives of those who had sent him… and those who came to this place. The kind of power this place offered would be difficult for any user of the Force to resist. In fact, it likely would draw more Force users here. He wasn't going to let anyone have this power. Who knows what could be done with it? But first, he had to prevent Tahiri from gaining access.

This was conflicting for him. How do I get her to leave without questions? I can't tell her that there’s nothing here. She can easily tell otherwise. Besides, maybe she would agree. With that in mind, Blackhawk stood in an archway, a statue on either side of him, waiting for his former fellow apprentice to arrive.

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 9:37 AM UTC

Syntax

He could feel [the] intensity increasing [by] the second.

Story

This post has the basic elements of an opening piece pinned down. You lay out the basic elements of the venue and you relate these to the reason the two characters are here. You also set up a possible motivation for conflict, but you do not capitalise on it in this post. In an eight-post match it is not imperative to initiate combat straight away, but by keeping your opening post so short you hand a lot of the initiative to your opponent.

As Tahiri strode through the valley to Blackhawks’ location, she could feel the immense energies all around her. She could feel the darkness and power, as it ebbed and pulsed, like the beating of a heart, through this place. The energy felt familiar, but also a bit foreign, as it creeped into her body with dark coldness, sending icy shivers through her body. The power heightened her senses and awareness of everything around her. Even with her recent induction into the Sith order, she still felt a little strange with the new dark energy which now surged through her.

The Valley of the Jedi, I can’t believe I’m actually here. The power, it’s nothing like I’ve ever felt before. Even Masters’ power does not rival that which is here.

She had been somewhat, but pleasantly surprised, when Blackhawk had called her to assist him with this assignment. Though he had been very vague on the details, she trusted him enough to help him out. She had read about the Valley of the Jedi, and the Force nexus that the Valley contained. So she knew of the power, and of the danger that lurked there, or rather the dangerous temptation of the power this place held. She was nearly to Blackhawk's coordinates, climbing up to the mouth of the cave where he had said he would meet her, when she felt another surge of energy. She looked off in the direction of the Force Nexus, near the center of the Valley. She decided to reach out through the Force, to see if Blackhawk was there yet. Sensing him just within the cave entrance above, she carefully made her way up the final few feet of the crumbling carved steps to the entrance.

However, before going farther, an idea struck her. During their training she had, at times when their master was not around, played a particular trick on him. Which for some reason, he always fell for it, every single time, she smiled slyly, at the thought. She carefully concentrated on the gravel on the cave floor within and with a single thought, sent several of the small pebbles skittering across the floor. She only had to wait a moment, before she heard her brother leave his post in the archway to see what had made the noise. Cautiously and quietly entering the cave, she slipped into the shadows within a little crook of the closest statue, allowing the Force to cloak her figure within the darkness.

Blackhawk was looking rather confused and slightly irritated, that he could not figure out what or where the noise had come from, as he paced the small width of the cave. In his distracted state, she uncloaked, though still masking the fact that she was there, and keeping low, slowly slinked her way towards him. He had his unlit saber in his right hand, fingering the button, tensed for anything. She could sense the anxiety within him. Just as he turned around to head back to the entrance, she slipped around him and stood. He stopped, possibly having sensed something behind him, but hesitated. That indecision was all she needed.

Springing forward, she threw her arms around his neck, as she fully let down her mask of concealment. Her act had completely caught him off guard. The only thing he could do was to try and throw her off, which is what he did every single time before. However, as with what happened every time she played this prank on him, she had the upper hand. Blackhawk feeling threatened and startled, he threw all his weight forward, to try and toss his assailant over his shoulders. Though, instead of her being thrown, she used his momentum to her advantage. As he started to pitch forward, she made a little springy jump, and wrapped her legs around his torso, making him careen towards the ground. By shifting her weight just enough to the left, she threw him off balance. They both landed on their left sides, instead of Blackhawks’ face, the jarring fall knocking his saber from his hand, as they landed on rough and unforgiving ground of the cave floor.

He twisted and wrestled against her, trying to break free from her grasp.

“You do know that I can ride almost any creature bareback, right?” she asked slyly in his ear. The moment he heard her voice, he stopped struggling. Breathing heavily, he craned his neck back to look at her.

“Tahiri?” a confused, but relieved look spread across his face as he recognized her.

“Hi Hawk,” she replied cheerfully, before giving him a small peck on his cheek and then releasing him. He rolled out of her arms and sprang to his feet instantly.

“By the Gods Tahiri, why do you do that to me? You’re either going to get yourself killed or give me a heart attack, one of these times. Will you please quit doing this?” he asked exasperatedly, but relieved all at the same, as he dusted himself off.

“Oh, don’t go getting your shifting all in knots,” she teasingly replied, as she rolled her eyes, and then flipped herself forward and up onto her feet. “I just wanted to have a bit of fun, that’s all. Besides, you didn’t say this mission was of the utmost importance, so I figured what was the harm in having a little fun.” She added, as she picked up his saber and handed it back to him.

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 9:46 AM UTC

Syntax

through the valley to Blackhawks’ location

A plural possessive noun ends with s', while a singular possessive noun ends with 's. Here there is only one Blackhawk, so it should be in the singular form: Blackhawk's location.

Even Masters’ power

Again, from the context, this looks like it should be singular, so Master's power.

So she knew of the power, and of the danger that lurked there

This is a single sentence, so that comma doesn't fit very well: So she knew of the power and of the danger that lurked there.

Which for some reason, he always fell for it, every single time, she smiled slyly, at the thought.

There are a lot of commas here, and they make for a bumpy ride when reading through the sentence. You could improve the flow by using a full stop and less commas.

and keeping low, slowly slinked her way towards him.

Here you could use a set of bracketing commas to mark off "keeping low." Bracketing commas indicate that a particular piece of information adds to the flavour of the sentence but could otherwise be removed without destroying the sentence: and, keeping low, slowly slinked her way towards him.

Blackhawk feeling threatened and startled, he threw all his weight forward, to try and toss his assailant over his shoulders.

Again, bracketing commas would have been appropriate here. Also, you don't need to use a pronoun (he) when the noun it refers to (Blackhawk) is in the same sentence. Blackhawk, feeling threatened and startled, threw all his weight forward.

Though, instead of her being thrown, she used his momentum to her advantage.

Here you change from the passive to the active voice mid-sentence. The passive part is her being thrown, as the action is performed on Tahiri. The active part is she used his momentum, as the action is performed by Tahiri. Try to stick to a single voice throughout the sentence.

she rolled her eyes, and then flipped herself forward and up onto her feet.

Be careful when joining two actions with a comma like this. The two actions should be logically related to each other, otherwise a full-stop would be better.

what was the harm in having a little fun.” She added

The text before and after the speech mark are a single sentence here, so there should be a comma: what was the harm in having a little fun,” she added.

Story

In this post you explored very nicely the relationship that already existed between Tahiri and Blackhawk. You did miss the opportunity, however, to establish a plot or “plan of action” for the match, seeing as your opponent failed to do so in his opening post. In the first two posts of a match, whether you are writing the opening post or the second post, you should always be thinking of how you can take ownership of the battle, how you can apply your own plotline to the story and how these two opening posts will dictate the progression of the story.

Realism

“You do know that I can ride almost any creature bareback, right?”

A nice nod to Tahiri's Beast Riding Skill.

She was right. A little fun and games couldn't hurt.

Kill her” a voice hissed in his head.

Blackhawk grinned smugly as he decided to see how this new found power would work. With a quick wave of his hand, a flash of bright light engulfed the chamber. Before Tahiri could recover, he leapt up into a small opening in the ceiling above.

Kill her” the voice hissed again, more aggressively this time.

I will do no such thing!

She will destroy you! She wants the power! Kill her and take it for yourself!”

It was obvious to him that the Togruta was not hearing the voices as he was.

She would never betray me!

”Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!” the voices repeated.

The mental stress was too much for Blackhawk. He lost his concentration, falling towards the floor. At the last minute, he was able to regain his composure, allowing him to land on his feet. However, it was easy for anyone who knew him to tell that something troubles him. And Tahiri knew him better than most.

“That's a new one,” she said having recovered from the blinding light “but, I'll be expecting that next time.” It was then that she saw it. Blackhawk was not himself.

”Kill her now!” the voices hissed again.

Never

“Are you okay, Blackhawk?” Tahiri asked, concern in her voice.

Without thinking, as if his limbs had a will of their own, Blackhawk swung his arm, striking the Togruta in the chin and sending her flying. The attack was followed by a burst of lightning that sent his sister apprentice to the ground, writhing in pain.

What?

” Now you see your true potential! Destroy her, and claim it as your own!” the voices hissed.

_ I can't!_

”If you will not claim this power, then perhaps she will!” the slithering voices shouted.

What have I done!

Suddenly, the voices were gone. He was back in full control of himself.

“Tahiri,” he shouted, “are you alright! I'm not sure what came over me, but I didn't mean to do that!”

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 9:53 AM UTC

Syntax

However, it was easy for anyone who knew him to tell that something troubles him.

This needed to be all in the past tense: something troubled him.

having recovered from the blinding light “but, I'll be expecting that next time.”

These are two separate sentences, so they should be separated by a full-stop: having recovered from the blinding light. "But I'll be expecting that.

_I can't!_

If you wanted to represent a shouted quotation (in this case an unspoken shout) you could use all-capital letters or, preferably, describe it as a shout outside of the speech quotation.

Realism

Without thinking, as if his limbs had a will of their own, Blackhawk swung his arm, striking the Togruta in the chin and sending her flying.

This action goes against Blackhawk's +0 Might, which would not be sufficient to send a body flying. The Force Power Amplification would have allowed him to achieve this, but there is no indication that this Force Power was used here. Even with "Unleashed" Amplification, the Force Power still requires a conscious act of will on Blackhawk's part, and this should be reflected in your writing.

Tahiri screamed as her body was wracked by the electricity, causing her muscles spasm uncontrollably. Her ears rang, and a metallic taste filled her mouth. What happened to Blackhawk? Why did he lash out? Why does this hurt so much? The thoughts flooded her mind as she continued the writhe in pain. She had felt a lightning attack before, when Blackhawk and her did sparing lessons with their Master. In fact, there was always some sort lightning battle that occurred. She had even been foolish enough to get between Blackhawk and their Master during one such battle, ending with her spending nearly a week in the med bay. However, this attack felt different somehow, it was concentrated, had more power within. As the pain slowly subsided, and she could hear him shouting at her, not in anger, but in anguish over what he had just done. She had sensed that he somehow wasn’t himself, and desperately wanted to tell him that she was alright, to ask him what happened and if he was alright. But she couldn’t will her voice to speak the words. As she slowly regained feeling and control of her limbs, she suddenly realized that she was being cradled in his well-toned, but gentle and comforting arms, as he knelt beside her. “Kill him,” a voice whispered quietly. “Yes. Kill him,” another voice insisted. Her senses felt befuddled, so she was a bit confused as to where the voice had come from. She tried to speak, managing only to slowly and in a raspy voice say, “Black…hawk, did you, hear that?” Her vision was blurred by tears, as she looked around trying to find where the voices had come from. “Yes, take his power,” hissed the voices in unison. “Kill him!" Her mind all of a sudden became clear, her muscles relaxed, and her eyes unimpaired. She didn’t think, only concentrated on the power around her, pulling the Force into her. Using this extra power, she prepared and augmented every muscle in her entire body, forgetting the pain and focusing on voices which threatened her brother. “Yes, use the power,” the voices cackled in delight. “Kill him!” “No!” she shouted viciously, as she suddenly and deftly sprang up, out of Blackhawks’ arms, her saber springing to life within her clenched fist. Her sudden act had startled Blackhawk enough that he stayed kneeing, looking up her in confusion. She protectively circled him, searching the entire cavern for the voices. All of her senses on high alert to the danger, the source of the voices, every muscle posed and ready to defend. “Tahiri, what are you doing?” asked Blackhawk asked, confusion and concern weighting heavy in his voice. “Didn’t you hear them?” she replied sharply, surveying every inch of area. “What…what are you talking…?” he began to ask, then a look of horror spread across his face. “Come out and make your threats to my blade!” she shouted angrily, as her echoes bounced off the walls, and rang through the cavern. “You do not realize your potential young one,” the voices replied. “Embrace the power. Take it as your own and then you can take your revenge on those who took your family.” It was like being slapped in the face again, the fact that the voices were not coming from material figures. To her own dismay, she realized that the voices came from within her mind, and that Blackhawk could not hear them. She dropped her saber as the intensity of the voices increased in volume and power. “Kill him! Kill him now! Take the power, use it before he destroys you!” “NO! Get out of my head!” she screamed, as she pulled on the Force and creating a powerful telepathic wave to blast the voices from her mind. She turned in shock, when she heard a bloodcurdling scream. She was horrified as she saw her brother doubled up on the ground, his face contorted in pain and clutching his head. “Blackhawk!” she immediately stopped her mental attack. What is going on? I didn’t think my mental attack was that powerful. Why is this happening? Kneeing down beside him, she took his hands in hers, and gently pulled them from his head. He flinched a little, but didn’t resist as she gently touched his face. She felt something wet on the side of his head. Pulling her hand back, she saw the glistening sheen of blood on her finger tips. She turned his head, searching for the wound, found instead that his ears were bleeding. “Oh, Brother, what have I done?” she said in dismay, as she gently hugged him close.
“It’s alright Tahiri,” Blackhawk replied painfully. “Listen to me, don’t let the voices get to you, shut them out. I know you are strong, don’t listen to them, don’t use the Force.” “Who is he to tell you what not to use? You can see it he wants all the power for himself. Use the power, destroy him,” the voices hissed. No! I will not destroy him. He is my friend, my brother. My family! I would rather die, then betray my family, and you cannot make me. He defeated you already, and I shall do the same. She thought angrily. “You are Sith, he is but a Grey. You have the power to squash him with your finger, if you would only claim that power which is yours,” the voices cooed menacingly. She looked into Blackhawks’ eyes, as she began to pull on the Force again. Absorbing the energy, she would need for the task ahead. “Blackhawk, do you trust me?” she asked quietly. His eyes replied instantly, though his voice followed hesitantly, “What…why…of course I trust you. Tahiri what are you going to do?” She gently placed a hand on his cheek and replied calmly, “I have to use the Force. It is because I need you Blackhawk, I need your help. Now hold still, I’m going to heal you.”

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 10:12 AM UTC

Syntax

The most noticeable Syntax oversight in this post is the lack of paragraphs. Using the Preview button before you submit your post can help you spot this kind of error.

As she slowly regained feeling and control of her limbs

"Feeling" and "control" use different prepositions in this context: "feeling in" and "control of." That's why it sounds awkward when they are placed in the same clause like this.

Her sudden act had startled Blackhawk enough that he stayed kneeing

"Kneeing" means striking someone with your knee, while "kneeling" means crouching down and resting your weight on your knees. The latter is the correct word in this context.

as her echoes bounced off the walls, and rang through the cavern.

There is no reason to separate these two parts of the same sentence with a comma, it would have flowed better without one.

there was always some sort [of] lightning battle

every muscle [poised] and ready to defend.

confusion and concern [weighing] heavy in his voice.

[Kneeling] down beside him

I would rather die [than] betray my family

as she began to pull on the Force again[, a]bsorbing the energy

Story

The thoughts flooded her mind as she continued the writhe in pain. She had felt a lightning attack before, when Blackhawk and her did sparing lessons with their Master. In fact, there was always some sort lightning battle that occurred. She had even been foolish enough to get between Blackhawk and their Master during one such battle, ending with her spending nearly a week in the med bay.

Recollecting past memories and interactions between the two characters is a good way to enrich and add flavour to an ACC match. However, in this case it is a great distraction to the action that is taking place. Force Lightning causes extreme pain, Tahiri's entire consciousness would be occupied by this agony. By going into a long exposition at this point you took the reader out of the action and made the intensity of the pain less than it actually should be.

Realism

creating a powerful telepathic wave to blast the voices from her mind. She turned in shock, when she heard a bloodcurdling scream.

Telepathy is merely a method of sending and receiving information from one mind to another. Neither in the ACC or in the Star Wars source material is Telepathy used as an attack, and it will not cause bleeding or physical damage as you describe later.

Blackhawk had a general idea of what she was planning to do. Unfortunately, he had to question whether or not the plan she had would work. If he was right about her plan, they would be attempting to drive off the spirits together, but if he was wrong, there were a whole myriad of things that could happen.

Blackhawk also had a plan. He could attempt to simply Force lock her and hope for the best, but he knew what she was capable of. If he attempted it, she could very well snap and attack him. Blackhawk was confident that, if it came down to it, he could take her in a fight. He had done it before but, the last thing he wanted to do was be forced into a position where he would have to fight her. Realizing this, Blackhawk decided to allow Tahiri to attempt what he hoped was her plan. However, he decided he would only allow her one attempt. If he thought for a second that her plan was failing, in any way whatsoever, he would proceed with his plan.

As he felt the energy wash over him, the voices returned.

“Now you see. She wants the power for herself. Kill her. Claim what is rightfully yours," the phantom spirits hissed.

This power is not mine. I have no right. You can not force me.

” You can not defy us. We know what is best. Finish her before she kills you,” they shouted.

I've already told you, I will not harm her.

“If you do not finish her off, then you will be destroyed!” they hissed intensely, threateningly.

Be gone. Leave me, and her, alone you parasitic swines!

” How dare you,” came the sharp reply. It was very clear to Blackhawk that he had struck a nerve with that last remark.

Show yourselves so we can finish this, Blackhawk mentally shouted at the invisible spirits.

This should be interesting.

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 10:23 AM UTC

Syntax

He had done it before but, the last thing he wanted to do

Commas ordinarily go before "but" rather than after it, and it is the same in this case. He had done it before, but the last thing.

Leave me, and her, alone

These bracketing commas interrupt the flow of the writing. Whether it's spoken speech or mental speech, try reading the sentence out loud to see if it is paced correctly.

Story

Here you did a good job of depicting the mental strife going on between Blackhawk and the spirits. However, this post adds very little to the story. There is no action and the conflict between Blackhawk and Tahiri is not explored. An ACC match is all about the confrontation between the two participating characters. Make sure that every post you write reflects this.

Tahiri sensed that he did not fully trust her, and she had seen the fear of it in his eyes. But she pushed the doubt aside, as she had to concentrate hard, against the insistent voices that plagued her, to carefully and gently heal his internal wounds.

But how can I blame him? I am Sith, I embraced Masters’ teachings. I mainly see only one side of the coin, and have glancing view of the other. He is Grey, he sees both sides, and yet only walks on the edge. He did not take to Masters’ lessons, though his temper has become more aggressive due to those torments. Why did Master have to hurt him so? He chose his path, as I have chosen mine. I can only but admire and respect his choices.

She wove the Force over the blood vessel ruptures, carefully repairing and stitching the micro skin back in place. Accelerating the skins natural regeneration process.

“Do it now, while he vulnerable. Kill him,” the voices persistently hissed, in the back of her mind.

No! Shut up, you vultures. I am going to heal him, and there is nothing that you can do about it! As she let the last bit of the Force wash over him, making sure that she had not missed anything important, she felt suddenly a dizzying sensation. Swaying in her stance as she knelt over him, she was caught by Blackhawks’ swift and strong grasp, just before her head would have cracked against the stone floor.

“Are you alright?” he asked her, concern ebbing from him like a wave. He gently stabilized her, as she sat down next to him, recovering from the sudden weariness.

“Blackhawk, why are we here? We need to get out of this place,” she asked urgently, as she shook her head trying to get the grogginess to fall away from her mind and body.

“I was sent here to investigate, and report back about a phenomenon experienced within this cave we are in. I’m sorry I dragged you into this Tahiri…I didn’t…,” he started to apologized, but hesitated, looking away from her, crestfallen and ashamed of what he had done to her.

“Want to hurt me? I know, and I hold nothing against you brother,” she said, as she steadily hopped to her feet, a half smile reassuring him. She offered him a hand up. Without hesitation he grasped her forearm, and she helped him to his feet, a look of relief and a small smile spread across his face.

“Don’t go beating yourself up over anything. You were not wrong about having me back you up. It fact it was a thing that I was here with you.” Her tone became serious, as she dusted herself off, “Now, the voices told me to kill you. I assume that you heard the same voices, and that they wanted you, to do the same to me?”

“Yes, the voices that speak of ‘the power which could be yours’,” he tried, badly, to imitate the voices, laughing for a moment and then turning serious again. “They are getting on my nerves, and I agree with you, we do need to leave here.”

“Yes,” nodding her head in agreement. “But not before we teach these ‘ethereal spirits’ some proper manners, right?” she smirked at him, as she called her saber to her hand and then replaced it on her belt. “Cause, I feel that, they will not let us leave, without putting us in a greater fight, ending in either, one or both of our deaths.”

“It’s like you read my mind, sister,” he solemnly replied.

“Hmm yes. So, how shall we deal with these spirits and in what manner?” she sincerely asked.

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 10:29 AM UTC

Syntax

the voices persistently hissed, in the back of her mind.

These are two parts of the same sentence, they should not be separated by a comma: the voices persistently hissed in the back of her mind.

and that they wanted you, to do the same to me?”

This is all one sentence, it would be more correct to write it without the comma: and that they wanted you to do the same to me?

“Cause, I feel that, they will not let us leave, without putting us in a greater fight, ending in either, one or both of our deaths.”

This sentence is very halting, it does not read smoothly. If you try reading it out loud you will see that it doesn't require quite so many commas.

Story

In this post you went a bit further into the two characters’ relationship and their reason for being here, which is a good way to add depth to an ACC match. However, there is very little in this post that significantly progresses the plot. At this late stage of the match your posts should contain more action than planning, or you risk losing your reader’s attention and interest.

”Kill her,” the voices hissed in his head again.

“ Time for a little bit of payback,” he said to Tahiri. Pulling one of his detonators, he had an idea. The nearest statue was around ten feet away, easily within range of a thrown detonator but, Blackhawk was worried that the blast might not be enough to knock over or better yet, destroy it.

”Use your anger! Give in to your hatred! Kill her! Take what is yours!”

The voices were getting annoying. Walking up to the nearest statue, Blackhawk lept up to the top of it. Using his lightsaber, the Clawdite began burning a hole in the statue large enough to hold the thermal detonator. Once this was done, an activated detonator was dropped into the hole.

Descending from the statue, Blackhawk set a frag mine about five feet from the base of the statue, then cut the statue down with his saber.

“Get down,” he shouted to Tahiri as he himself dove away. The resulting explosion was devastating. As the statue came down, the detonator went off, reducing the head and neck of the statute to rubble. The statute's landing tripped the mine, which blasted the sculpture in half.

”How dare you,” the voices shouted, slightly weaker this time. Realizing what was happening, Blackhawk repeated the process. Ascend the statue, cut a hole, drop a detonator, descend, place a mine, cut down the statue, dive away. Each time, the voices shouted in anger, but each time a statue came down, the voices weakened. After downing four statues, Blackhawk ran out of usable explosives. Once this happened, Blackhawk simply used his lightsaber to do as much damage as possible. Tahiri alongside him, the cavern was soon filled with burn marks from lightsabers. With the damage done, the pair left the cavern, certain that their problems were over.

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 10:33 AM UTC

Syntax

a thrown detonator[, but] Blackhawk was worried

Blackhawk [leapt] up to the top of it.

Story

Blackhawk repeated the process. Ascend the statue, cut a hole, drop a detonator, descend, place a mine, cut down the statue, dive away.

Try to avoid repetitive action sequences like this one. It is quite difficult to make them exciting and you might lose your reader's interest.


In this final post you concluded the plotline that you established in your second post. It was an interesting take on the central element of this Venue and you exploited it quite well throughout your writing. What is missing from this post is any interaction between Blackhawk and Tahiri. The purpose of the ACC is to showcase the conflict, rivalry, combat between two DB characters. When you use an external plot device (like the dark side spirits, in this case) you need to make sure that the focus of your writing is still firmly on the interaction between your character and your opponent’s character.

“I am not completely sure, but we must deal with these spirits swiftly,” he replied while he crossed his arms in thought. Continuing to think aloud, “Since they cannot manifest, we can’t fight them with our material weapons, and they have almost proven too great for either one of us mentally.”

“Yes very true,” she replied with a nod. “Though we have no evidence against them becoming tangible,” she added emphatically. He was about to argue, but stopped and instead nodded thoughtfully. “However, I believe that you are correct Blackhawk. So we need to have to fight them on their own turf,” a grimace spread across her face.

Blackhawk looked confused at first, then it turned to horror as he realized what she was suggesting. “You don’t actually mean that, do you?” he asked.

“Yes. I do mean it. If this is the only way to make them leave us alone, then I will fight,” she replied indignantly. She smoothly sat cross-legged on the ground in the center of the cavern. As she motioned for him to join her, she asked, “Are you with me?”

She waited for him, but she could tell that he was hesitant. “Clearly we are powerful enough alone to go against these spirits, so as to not harm each other badly. If we join our powers, then we may be able to rid ourselves of these ghosts, and get out of here together, alive. But I cannot do this without you Blackhawk.” She held her hand up and out to him. He looked from her to her hand, and back again, then walked up to her, took her hand and sat down facing her.

“Alright. I’m in, let’s do this,” he confidently said, as they grasped each other’s hands. Relaxing, and then nodding to him, she closed her eyes, and opened her mind to him. For a moment she wasn’t sure if he was actually with her or not, but then she felt his mind. It was a very tentative moment as their minds met, and then they began to touch and slightly merge.

Wow, they both thought at the same time.

So this is what another’s mind truly feels like, she stated in wonder.

Yeah, I guess so, he replied with awe.

“What are you doing?” the ethereal spirits screamed at her, no not just her, them. She could hear an echo of the spirits words, and realized that with their connection she could not only his thoughts, but the voices that spoke to him as well.

Okay, let us finish this, she positively said, as she began to pull on the Force, gathering it. She didn’t have to ask for confirmation, as she could Blackhawk gathering the Force within him as well.

“Yes, good strategy. Gather the power, strike him ‘her’ down while his ‘her’ guard is lowered;” the voices mused in their minds.

Shall we? asked Blackhawk. She could sense his plan, as she was sure he could sense hers. They both had the same plan in mind. As they slowly began to pool their energies together, the voices began to sound anxious, but neither she nor Blackhawk could hear their words. They concentrated together in creating a shield to block the influence and power of the spirits, and started to push the spirits completely out of their minds. After a few minutes, Tahiri could no longer feel the spirits.

Did we do it? Are they gone? asked Blackhawk.

I believe so. But I think that we should keep the shield up until we get off this god forsaken world, she replied happily.

Yes I agree, he said sounding relieved.

She opened her eyes and looked around, feeling relieved and proud of what they had just accomplished together.

“Shall we go?” Blackhawk asked with a smile.

“Yes,” she replied smiling back, as he stood up and helped her up. They exited the cave and climbed down towards the valley.

“Well, we may not have completed the mission, but we did accomplish something,” Blackhawk stated as they walked together towards the landing area just outside the entrance to the valley.

“And what would that be?” she asked curiously.

“We learned more about each other,” he said smiling at her.

“Hmm, yes I believe we did,” she agreed, with a smile and nod.

Korroth, 6 November, 2016 10:38 AM UTC

Syntax

fight them on their own turf,” a grimace spread across her face.

These are two separate sentences. "A grimace" does not relate to the way the speech quote is read. They should be separated by a full stop: fight them on their own turf.” A grimace spread across her face.

she could not only his thoughts

as she could Blackhawk gathering the Force

There are words missing in the two sentences above. This is one of the things that a good proofread might have spotted.

Realism

They concentrated together in creating a shield to block the influence and power of the spirits, and started to push the spirits completely out of their minds.

As with the second post you wrote, this is an imaginative use of mind-based Force Powers, but it goes against our current understanding of how these things work in the Star Wars universe. If a character is enduring a Force Power attack such as Mind Trick or Terror, they would be using their Resolve to withstand the assault. Countering a mind-based Force attack is not down to a mental shield, but rather the character's own power of will and determination to overcome its effects, as dictated by the Resolve Skill.