Knight Kul'tak Drol vs. Major Rhylance

Knight Kul'tak Drol

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Major Rhylance

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
Comment

I would like to start out by thanking you both for an excellent match, it was truly a pleasure to grade. NFUs are a relatively new thing in the ACC and you both handed NFU on FU combat superbly. I would hold this match up as an example of how to create dramatic tension through combat for a FU on NFU scenario. You both also did a good job using each other's CS and depicting each other's characters. The posts flowed together to make a cohesive story (even though it's alternate ending) and that's precisely what you want from a match. The match was generally clean with no realism detractors (though danger close on the language thing) and few syntax errors. The syntax errors were of the sort that didn't fully detract from reading flow but could be caught with further proofing. Try to get multiple proofers to go over a post before it goes up.

You both could have used the venue more than you did. I left some specific comments on this but Kul did a great job painting the picture in the opening post but faltered with venue use in his ending. Rylance, this is definitely an area you can improve on for future matches. Making the environment seem dynamic while painting a clear picture for your reader separates good posts from great ones.

I go into more detail in the post and score comments but it was the little touches in Kul's posts that brought him from a 3 to a 4 and ultimately won him the match. The writing was strong across both competitors but Kul had some details that helped immerse the reader in the scene and his character.

Great job to both but there must be a winner and that person is...

Kul'tak Drol

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Kul'tak Drol, Major Rhylance
Winner Knight Kul'tak Drol
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Kul'tak Drol's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Major Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Dread Fortress
Last Post 3 November, 2016 10:10 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A few mistakes that could have easily been caught with additional proofing but nothing that detracted from the flow of reading. Rationale: A few mistakes that could have easily been caught with additional proofing but nothing that detracted from the flow of reading.
Story - 40%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You had very strong opening and ending posts with well-balanced action between an FU and an NFU. What put you over the edge from a 3 to a 4 was the small touches of the Sith poem and the imagery of your final scene. See my story comments to both posts. Rationale: You had exceptional dialogue and some unique moments in your posts. Two things hurt you, first you missed an opportunity to use the venue in a meaningful way (and expand upon the "mission"). Second, your ending felt rushed and there was definitely some space to flesh things out.
Realism - 25%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: You had the one issue where Rylance appeared to be reading ancient Sith unassisted. However, because it was ambiguous I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Rationale: No errors that I could see, excellent use of both CS's.
Continuity - 20%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Kul'tak Drol's Score: 4.45 Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.05
Posts

Oricon Dread Fortress

The greatest structure still standing on the volcanic moon of [Oricon], the ruined fortress that once served as the headquarters of the [Dread Masters], remains as a beacon of darkness. Impenetrable at its heart, the fortress is surrounded by a lava moat with a single bridge for access with walls two stories high and crafted of the hardest permacrete. Its walkways and open courtyards are decorated with eternally-burning braziers, hanging and broken chains, and even plaques and murals depicting acts of tyranny and strength. Statues, obelisks and pillars show signs of aging, crumbling, cracked and ruined, though their fearsome, ancient Sith visages still stand as a testament to the Dark Side and the imposing power that the masters of the fortress willed upon their visitors.

Down into the central palace and through one of the two sets of staircases lays the ruins of the atrium. It has long been looted for all of its artifacts and knowledge, left bare by the raiding and marauding of treasure hunters and researchers. Four side-chambers lead down, two to the left and right, deeper—these rooms, all abandoned, hold obelisks fused into the very stonework of the floor. Ancient Sith wisdom is etched into each one—messages of fear, of control, of domination and madness alike.

Oricon Dread Fortress

At the very rear of the palace is a large, tall stairway, leading up into what can only be considered the throne room of the wicked Council. A seven-sided platform sits atop a bottomless pit, with the walkway from the doorway taking up one side flanked by six green crystals. The remaining six edges are dedicated to walkways ending in a dais, resting upon which are the tall thrones topped with crystal where the ancient Masters of Dread once sat.

The halls of Oricon’s Dread Fortress echoed a macabre tune of the past. Whispers of ancient power reverberated in the stoneworks. Yet, while being hauntingly silent. The saturation of dark side energy spoke volumes to any who would decide to venture within its dark passageways. Not that there was much reason to return to such a place. Years of looting by greedy treasure seekers had left the once elaborate rooms bare. However, even the most treasure-hungry had passed by some of the knowledge that could be found here.

In one of the rooms that had been dedicated to knowledge, a pair bespectacled eyes gazed over the surface of the smooth stone. Taking in the writing carved into it by hands long rotted away. The old Sith poetry may have seem like anathema to those seeking mere materialistic wants, but to Major Rhylance, it was a trove of its own. He allowed a small sign of pleasure to cross his otherwise sinister face, his mouth curving into his cheeks. It lasted but a second. Not wanting to prolong the desire any longer, he drew forth a datapad from his uniform and quickly copied the writing. Even as he typed swiftly he analyzed the words for the clue they held. Most of the passage detailed the rise of the Dread Lords, but a specific section held Rhylance’s attention:

Upon shifting sands the Darkness falls.

The Dread Lords walk upon it.

They sit the seat of Bogan, clawing forth.

Taking their rightful throne and answering the calls.

Not all Lords were born upon the sands.

Those who rose through sword and mind.

Clenched the path with hands of hate.

Mixing their own struggling stands.

The Chiss felt a rise in his adrenals as he glossed over the second half of the paragraph. If he was correct, the passage could mean that some of the Lords had acquired their power through unorthodox means. The writer’s use of the word “mixing” seemed to imply that a form of alchemy may have been involved. At last! Something he could actually use. Perhaps his search for a science-made Force was closer to reality than he had originally dreamed. He tapped the letters harder in his excitement. But stopped when he heard something in the large room. It hadn’t been loud, a slight shuffling of dust. It certainly was not a natural phenomenon, and so he grew wary. A shadow flickered past one of the cracked columns bearing dusty words of non-import. A flash of glowing eyes. He was not alone.

From the short glance he had gotten it appeared the visitor was a creature of some form. Squat and quadrupedal, he could only assume it was predatory as well. Slipping the datapad back into his black uniform, he replaced it with a long scalpel, its tip glistening separately from the metal. The beast was circling him now, a dark area passing through the faint light of the temple’s perpetually lit braziers. It made no move to approach him, a fact he found disturbing. If it was a solo hunter, it would have attacked by now. But a pack hunter waits on its alpha’s command. So then...where was the alpha?

The beast slowly padded its way towards him. As it entered the full light of the brazier next to Rhylance, he could see it for what it was: A Vornskr. It watched him with a glint of hunger in its eye, but still resisted its killing instinct. The major kept his eyes peeled, sure that this would be the moment the alpha revealed itself. Half expecting an ambush from behind he turned his back to the wall to prevent that. Unfortunately he had nowhere to run now if he was outnumbered. If he could land a strike with his scalpel that would at least lessen the threat and he could make an escape. No need to die trying to fight off a pack of wild animals. He put on his best intimidating scowl and stepped toward the creature hoping it would startle it enough to trigger its fight or flight response. Instead, much to his surprise, it merely sat upon its haunches and tilted its head as if listening to something. There was no time to analyze the implications as a being materialized behind him. The vibrating air ceased its reflection and revealed the armoured Zabrak it had been hiding as he moved closer. Rhylance barely had time to register his appearance before he was struck with great force and crashed into the permacrete. A crack resounded through the room and the major wasn’t sure if it was him or the wall.

The Zabrak lowered his leg and approached the Chiss, picking him up by his throat and holding him against the wall. The Vornskr growled, but the attacker gave a sidelong look and it whimpered before backing away. As the Zabrak’s vision turned, Rhylance quickly spun the scalpel around. He’d dropped it in his fall but had managed to scoop it back up before the Shadow had noticed. He didn’t have time to see which type he’d grabbed, but he knew any of them would help in any case. The Zabrak turned his attention back to the Chiss, his orange eyes boring into Rhylance’s glowing orbs of red. His voice rolled out in deep growls, strikingly similar to the creature behind them.

“The Inquistorius is aware of what you’ve been doing, Major. You begin to cross a line you can’t return from. A cease and desist would have been issued had you not sought the secrets hidden here. Now, you get me.”

The Sith grinned as the scientist gave him a look of disgust.

“You cannot comprehend what it is I seek, sith.”

His spit out the title as if it was just another word, not bearing importance.

“Indeed, Major, but I never desired to be the mind of the body that is the Inquisitorius. I am the claw. Now, any last words?”

The Chiss raised his hand, slicing the Zabrak’s bicep with his scalpel as it rose.

“Yes, actually. Pleasant dreams, sith.”

As understanding began to dawn on the Zabrak, his eyes grew wide and he tossed the major roughly to the floor. His vision first became cloudy, before his mind turned and the horrors of his past emerged from their corners he’d forgotten. They burst forth like a pustulated wound, images seemingly in the temple with him pouring forth. Blood splattered walls replaced the temple’s permacrete carvings, and the major blurred into the image of his father, a heap on the floor slashed open by the saber of a Jedi. The Zabrak roared in anguish as his mind tore at his own sanity.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 12 November, 2016 9:23 PM UTC

Syntax

Whispers of ancient power reverberated in the stoneworks. Yet, while being hauntingly silent.

The second sentence here is actually a fragment. These should be joined by a conjunction and made into one sentence.

a pair bespectacled eyes gazed over the surface of the smooth stone.

"A pair of bespectacled"

Story

You did an excellent job introducing the character conflict and including some action which is precisely what a first post should do. You depicted your opponent's character exceptionally well and found a way to make combat between a Force user and NFU relatively even which increased the dramatic tension. The post could have used some more specificity on what both parties were after besides the nebulous concept of "ancient knowledge."

The passage of ancient Sith poetry was a creative and refreshing addition. Little touches like this really set a great post apart from good ones.

Realism

The old Sith poetry may have seem like anathema to those seeking mere materialistic wants, but to Major Rhylance, it was a trove of its own.

Good use of the "Science over gods" aspect.

Not wanting to prolong the desire any longer, he drew forth a datapad from his uniform and quickly copied the writing. Even as he typed swiftly he analyzed the words for the clue they held.

It's not clear that Rylance is translating the ancient Sith writing using the datapad or just copying it. As written it seems like he's reading the passage without assistance and Rylance doesn't read/speak ancient Sith.

Rhylance stared at the writhing Zabrak with calculating eyes. As the poison ravaged the Inquisitor’s mind, he flailed out slashing the air with his clawed gauntlet. Kul’tak was yelling out in pain, and seemed to call out a name in his fit. Rhylance heard the growling of the nearby Vornskr. Dropping his scalpel to the ground, the medic placed his hand on the holster of his blaster.

The Vornskr readied to pounce and kill its prey, and as it leapt, Rhylance pulled out his Relby-K23, firing the silenced blaster before ducking out of the way as his glasses slipped off and clamored to the floor. The stunning blast erupted into the Vornskr’s chest, and the beast collided with the stone floor, one of his claws just missing Rhylance's right arm. The downed animal rolled to a halt. The Chiss walked to the beast’s downed body and fired two more shots at its torso.

“Stay.” He said in jest as he collected his non prescription lenses and placed them back onto his head. “You’re lucky I don’t actually need these.”

Rhylance adjusted his glasses, before re-holstering his blaster. The Major walked over to pick up the dropped scalpel and placed it back into his coat, he then took out a second scalpel.

The sounds of the tormented Inquisitor drew the Taldryanite’s attention. The Chiss watched his hunter flailing about, and when the Zabrak was positioned away from him, Rhylance slashed the scalpel across Kul’tak’s right shoulder blade, infusing a paralytic Type II poison into his blood stream. He stepped back and watched the poison do it's work.

“Two Hearts,” Rhylance thought to himself as he watched the Zabrak begin to stiffen before falling to the ground, “Your blood pumps faster. Good for helping my poison spread through you body. Bad for you.”

The Chiss began to examine the downed body of the Zabrak Sith. Kul’tak could only be still as the hallucinogenic riddled his mind with images, and pain. He was trapped. Trapped in his body, and he couldn’t focus. He tried to fight back against the poison. The intensity of the images strained his mental strength to such a degree that he thought he would break.

Rhylance took out a datapad and as he examined Kul’tak he recorded his findings. He shined a small light into the Knight’s eyes. ”Dilation is severe.” The Major took a small rag and wiped off the glistening Inquisitor's face. ”Excessive perspiration, intriguing.” Finally Rhylance took out a small metal device and held it to the Zabrak’s chest. He listened to the Sith’s hearts beat, focusing on the rhythmic beating that drowned out the agonizing cries emanating from Kul’tak. After a few seconds he smiled and stood up, typing in his final thoughts.

”Both of his hearts are beating at a significantly increased rate. The hallucinogen is causing the subject extreme mental, and physical duress.”

Rhylance put his datapad away and looked through his medical equipment for an antidote for the Type I hallucinogen. Grabbing the syringe, Rhylance injected the contents into Kul’tak’s right hip, and watched as the Sith’s eyes returned to normal.

Kul’tak felt his hearts slow down as his blood pumped the antitoxin throughout his system. The hallucinations that plagued his mind lost their vividness and intensity, and the Sith’s adrenaline levels dropped in rapid response to the curing effects of the drug. Though the Inquisitor could feel his sanity returning to him, he also realized that while he felt the paralytic effects slowly fading, he still felt trapped. He still couldn’t move his arms or legs, though his mouth seemed to lose the stiffness it had held. As the Zabrak trained his eyes on the blue skinned medic, he seethed in anger, before collecting his thoughts.

”Just wait, Kul’tak. Wait for the perfect moment to strike. He will let his guard down.”

The Zabrak began to concentrate and channel the Force into his body. He needed to calm his whole form down to allow the poison to wear off faster. He watched as the Chiss knelt down next to him.

“How are you feeling?” The blue skinned medic asked.

“What?” Kul'tak couldn't believe what he was hearing.

“How are you feeling? What was your experience like? I’d like to know how you felt as your mind was torn apart by my concoction.” The medic spoke as if the poison was his child.

“Are you insane?”

“That’s up for debate. I do however need you to speak, and if you don’t, well...I have my ways of making you talk.”

The Chiss pulled out a dagger. The blade looked to be sharpened to the Zabrak’s eyes. Kul'tak could feel the fear overwhelmingly taking over. He had never witnessed this sort of insanity.

“Why do you care?” Kul’tak asked, buying his time as he felt feeling return to his fingers.

The Major grinned at the question and removed his glasses, his red eyes burning into the inquisitor’s gaze.

“I created the hallucinogenic poison by mixing spores that I found on a mushroom from Felucia, and enzymes from the venom of a Kodashi Viper,” Rhylance said with a boastful tone. “This was a first test of how viable the Solution would be. And I must say I am happy with the results I saw. Now, I need to know how you felt, what you saw. Tell me, now.

A crazed look overcame the Chiss’s face as he explained his creation to the Inquisitor. Kul’tak now understood why the Taldryan needed to die. He was too dangerous to be left to his devices.

“You really are insane. I can’t wait to be the “Claw” that takes you out for my Inquisition.” Kul’tak could feel his toes wiggle. He was nearing a point where a counterattack would be possible. “The deplorable things you do, they make those like me look tame,” he spat.

Rhylance smiled as he placed the glasses back on his face. He ran a hand through his slicked back hair before leaning forward to taunt his foe.

“Science, my friend, needs to progress. Progress requires experimentation,” the Taldryanite said in an impassioned inflection. Rhylance brought the dagger up to the Inquisitor’s chest. “And now, I finally get to experiment on a Zabrak Force wielder. Unfortunately for you, only one of us will survive this day. You tried to keep me from reaching my goal. The knowledge that is stored in these halls is far more valuable than your insignificant life. Be happy though, that your death may contribute to my success.”

Kul’tak felt the painful piercing of his skin as Rhylance applied pressure with the dagger, and acted. He channeled the anger he had been suppressing and the fear that Rhylance instilled, and the air above the palm of his hand crackled as pulsing electric energy burst forth and collided with the Chiss. Rhylance felt excruciating pain flow through his body as he was thrown backwards from Kul’tak and collided with a nearby wall. His body smoked as he toppled to the floor below.

Kul’tak, the effects of the paralytic still leaving his stiff body, managed to stand himself up, and grab his lightsaber hilt. His gaze bored into the downed mark. Pressing the switch on his saber hilt, a red beam hissed to life and hummed in the dead air of Dread Fortress.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 12 November, 2016 10:06 PM UTC

Syntax

He stepped back and watched the poison do it's work.

The "it's" should be the possessive "its."

“This was a first test of how viable the Solution would be.

Solution is not a proper noun in this case and should not be capitalized.

Story

He listened to the Sith’s hearts beat, focusing on the rhythmic beating that drowned out the agonizing cries emanating from Kul’tak. After a few seconds he smiled and stood up, typing in his final thoughts.

I really liked the entire medical examination scene. It really gives the reader a clear example of Rylance's character that he would stop in the middle of a fight to evaluate how well his poison was working. This is solid of example of "show, don't tell" that we preach in the ACC.

“Science, my friend, needs to progress. Progress requires experimentation,”

I really loved this particular line and the entire exchange in this scene. Excellent use of dialogue.


Overall a solid 2nd post, you took the conflict your opponent started and carried it forward with your own spin. You keep the conflict fresh through the medical examination scene through some strong dialogue. You brought things back to direct combat at the end and set up for the final posts well. The biggest thing this post lacked was using the venue in any meaningful way. Your opponent had entire lines of Sith poetry in his opening and you barely seem to acknowledge the environment beyond a few cursory passages. As written your post could have happened almost anywhere. Try to really use the environment, especially when you don't post first. Move to another room, destroy something, introduce some environmental element, something to put your own take on it.

A test subject?! This Chiss dared look down upon him with such disdain? Just the thought of it inflamed the Zabrak’s temper to near bursting. The veins in his eyes filled with hot blood, giving them the appearance that they were changing color. A dull throbbing warned him that the paralytic still remained, but he tested his muscles by taking a couple slow steps toward the Chiss. Each felt like a weight was tied to his legs, but he pressed on as his anger coerced him. His hand gripped the hilt of his saber with pink knuckles and it creaked with the pressure.

A familiar presence pricked at the back his mind, and he turned his gaze briefly to the Vornskr lying on its side. He probed its place in the Force, and while its pain only added to his own he felt a part of himself relax discovering it still lived. Still, that hardly excused the Chiss. Kul had been sent here on a mission, after all.

With a flick of his thumb, the Zabrak ignited his weapon. The crimson blade elongated and cast its glow across the walls of the semi-empty keep. The sudden coloration caused the image of his home to pass his eyes again, but he growled it down. He thrust his blade forward threateningly at Rhylance. With a few meters still in between the pair, the Chiss did not even bother to flinch.

“Do not underestimate me, Rhylance. I am not some pawn for your slareti science!”

The venom in Kul’s voice was not lost on Rhylance, he just did not care. He waved a hand nonchalantly.

“Science is what explains how the universe works, sith. The laws that bind us all to our existences--” He looked down his glasses,”--no matter how small some existences may be. In the end, we are all pawns for science. Well, you lesser beings are. If we’re going to be using metaphors again, think of me like the scalpel. Even you should be able to understand that.”

An infinitesimal, yet still noticeable under Kul’s scrutiny, smile threatened to sneak its way up the Chiss’ face.

The condescension itself wasn’t the exact reason for Kul’s growing temper. It was the fact that even while Rhylance attempted some dry humor, his words were a serious expression of his feelings. Kul had known some arrogant species in his life (he was Zabrak, after all), but this Chiss took the orat. More sluggishly than he liked, he lowered his weight of balance and brought his claw up to hang midway up his left side while he spun his saber into a reverse grip.

“Enough of your explanations, Major. If I wanted to even attempt learning your science, I would pay a visit to Farrin at the Academy. My patience has run out.”

The Zabrak charged his mark with all the grace of a wild nerf. Rhylance casually observed his approach before retreating further into the room. As he moved, he tossed a small sphere at the Zabrak’s feet and pulled a small Relby blaster from his overcoat. Kul saw the explosive, but in his semi-lucid state he could only dodge so well. The blast launched him hard against the wall and he tumbled to the floor in pain. Fortunately he’d still been out of range to absorb its full power, but it had done its job to an extent. The Shadow lie still upon the cobbled stone. Rhylance approached carefully, eyeing his would-be-assassin with an analytical gaze.

Muscular system appears to be operable still. The stun grenade must have only deflected his charge. The physical toughness of the Zabrak is indeed something worth studying, perhaps. I should take a sample and leave before he regains full control of his utilities.

The Chiss approached Kul, his blaster at the ready. The Zabrak lay with his cloak crumbled over him, just enough so that the major could not see his hands.

Rhylance kept the Relby trained on Kul and pulled out another scalpel, this one designed for medical purposes. It hovered over the Zabrak, sending warnings all through his instincts. He waited until the perfect moment, forcing his body to remain taut lest he give away his advantage. Finally, as Rhylance touched the edge of his tattooed flesh, Kul closed the trap.

Pushing himself off the floor, where his hands had been waiting to thrust, Kul used the sudden momentum to spin himself. He turned that into a sweeping leg kick, which caught Rhylance off-guard and sent him sprawling to the ground. Even though his gaze was muddled, Kul could not miss the cloud of blue that now filled his vision. He drove a heavy fist down into the mass and grinned as a muffled cry fell from the Chiss’ lips. So he hit him again. And again. Each pulverizing strike thrown in deference of his own tired body. Finally, when he’d had enough and his mind was calmer, he grabbed the Chiss’ datapad and mostly dragged himself back over to where his Vornskr lay helpless and unconscious. He gripped her in a tight embrace and leaned against the wall. Running a hand over her silver-lined fur, he blinked in the direction of the writing above him. It appeared he’d be waiting here for awhile until his mind and body were clear enough to head back to his ship. Wouldn’t do for him to finish his mission and then take a tumble into the lava pits outside. So he waited. Just him, his pet, and another fool who thought they could control the Force through...well force.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 12 November, 2016 10:14 PM UTC

Syntax

He probed its place in the Force, and while its pain only added to his own he felt a part of himself relax discovering it still lived.

You need a comma after own to close out the parenthetical.

Kul had known some arrogant species in his life (he was Zabrak, after all), but this Chiss took the orat.

You didn't lose any points for this but I wanted to make a comment about the use of alien languages. I'm assuming this is Zabraki since I couldn't find the words you used on google. This wasn't a detractor because the meaning could be determined through context. I'd stay away from using alien words when it is not dialogue or a direct thought of the character. This particular sentence isn't clear if it's Kul's thoughts or the narration of the scene.

Story

This was a very strong ending post. You carried the character's conflict to conclusion and looped back around to integrate the Vornskr from earlier to make the reader sympathize with Kul's reason for being angry. You also did a good job keeping the action between the Sith and NFU tense without being unbelievable. The image you ended on was also solid, a man holding his injured pet over a vanquished foe. However, as with the opening post, I would have liked to have had just a little more detail on precisely what the men were looking for and what the mission was. Also, you missed an opportunity to really use the venue in this post like you did in your opening.

The Zabrak Inquisitor approached the downed form of Rhylance, as the Chiss groaned in pain on the ground. Kul’Tak’s red lightsaber illuminated the black tattoo’s that covered his face. The Major started pushing himself up from the ground, trying to ignore the pain that laced his frame. Kul’Tak pushed his left hand forward as lightning burst from his fingertips and crashed into the Taldryan’s back.

Rhylance cried out in pain as he felt each volt of energy surging throughout his being. He dropped to the ground, his strength giving out as he nearly passed out in agony. Kul’Tak merely smiled as he watched his prey’s will begin to break under his assault.

“This could have been quick, you know?” the Zabrak stood over his mark. “I could have just killed you, but you have shown me the kind of vile creature you really are. And for your crimes, I’ll make you suffer first.”

Rhylance's body continued to smoke from being electrified. His feet felt numb, and his breath was ragged. A strong sense of fury began to overwhelm his thoughts.

“Force wielders, you’re all the same.” he choked out as he once again tried to push his body up from the temple floor. Pinning himself up on his elbows, the Chiss ruffled through his coat and grabbed ahold of a round metal object. “Using your...your connection to this great power...you don’t respect it. And none of you deserve it!” The Taldryan’s red eyes glowed with hatred for the Knight.

Kur’Tak concentrated while the Major spoke. He pushed out with his mind and his left hand channeling energy to throw Rhylance across the floor. As the Chiss came to a halt, he couldn’t help but chuckle through his pain.

“What’s so funny, you’re about to die? You, a traitor to this brotherhood you swore to serve, are about to die. So what are you laughing about.

Rhylance said nothing, he merely looked down at the Zabrak’s feet. Kur’Tak followed the Chiss’s gaze with his own eyes, only to see a metal sphere with a blinking light. As the Zabrak started to try and escape, the stun grenade went off. A burst of electrical energy domed out of the grenade, colliding with the Zabrak. His body dropped to the ground, unable to move.

Rhylance stood up shakily. He limped over to the downed Inquisitor before pulling a scalpel out his jacket. The Taldryan took the blade and began carving into the Sith’s skin. The poison that coated the short but sharp blade coursed through the Knight's body, freezing his movements. As Kur”Tak lay waiting, a now pissed off Taldryan stood with a large knife in his grasp.

“Time to kill you. I can’t wait to see what I discover locked away from me, inside you’re pretty put together body. But no matter, time to experiment. You should have killed me when you had the chance.”

Locating his larger dagger, Rhylance took the blade and pierced in through Kur’Tak’s chest. In the middle of the Dark Temple, with powerful inscriptions all around them, Rhylance carried on with giving this Inquisitor the full treatment. And when he was done, very little remained from the creep who failed to succumb to the torture.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 November, 2016 12:08 AM UTC

Syntax

“What’s so funny, you’re about to die? You, a traitor to this brotherhood you swore to serve, are about to die. So what are you laughing about.

You need a question mark and a quotation mark at the end.

I can’t wait to see what I discover locked away from me, inside you’re pretty put together body.

"Pretty" feels awkward here. It would read better if you made it into an adverb, "in your prettily put together body." Also, "your" not "you're."

Story

“Using your...your connection to this great power...you don’t respect it. And none of you deserve it!”

Outstanding line!


So, your ending post left me as a reader wanting more. It was technically sound in that it resolved the conflict with a clear winner and had plenty of action. However, it felt rushed in that details in the final paragraph could have used fleshing out.