Knight Lavanth vs. Captain Thorn

Knight Lavanth

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Togruta, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Captain Thorn

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Falleen, Loyalist, Director
Comment

First off, I'd like you both for taking part in the 'Guests' of the Matron event. It looks like you guys had some fun with it, and fell into a similar frame of mind for the narrative that you would create together.

There are a great many issues throughout this match, on both sides of the fence. The biggest failing, overall, is the lack of motivations for this encounter. There is no set-up to this match. As a reader, we have no idea what the motivations are. Beyond that, there is no hook from either of you. At no point does the writing become enticing enough to drag the eye from word to word. This is a superficial encounter without depth. Even glancing at your character sheets, we can see the potential for depth. Heck, neither of you touched on the fact that Lavanth is ridiculously untrusting. And yet you guys spent the match working together to plan a grand escape.

The issues aside, which you can see elaborated on in the comment section, you guys made a story together. It had a beginning, a middle, and an end without much in the way of fracture. That in itself, for a 6 post total match, is something to be proud of.

With the scores tallied and weighted, the winner of this match is Captain Thorn.

I look forward to future matches.

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Lavanth, Captain Thorn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Lavanth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Captain Thorn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 26 November, 2016 6:27 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple issues that repeat throughout the writing. Please refer to the comments for details. Rationale: Multiple issues that repeat throughout the writing. Please refer to the comments for details.
Story - 40%
Deleted Keiji Suoh
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: Rationale:
Realism - 25%
Deleted Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Major issues with realism. Refer to the notes for elaboration. Rationale: Major issues with depiction of realism for your character and the finer points on how slugthrowers work in terms of ammunition.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Your first post was almost an entire rewrite of the opponent's first post just from the perspective of your own character. You also tended to rewrite the last segment of the prior post in all subsequent posts. Rationale: Just some issues involving tracking bullet counts and weaponry.
Deleted's Score: 2.6 Keiji Suoh's Score: 2.55
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended 'arena'. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

The vastness of space had a feeling to it that was hard to describe. The infinite. An expanse of nothing that meant death for so many species within the galaxy. It was always so close, to those who travelled within its vacuum, yet deceptively far away. That deception fell to the wayside standing within Hangar Zerek. The hangar doors had been fully retracted, leaving only the force field separating the combatants within from being sucked into the void.

"Now now," a voice rang out. The overlay of static was thick, warping the tone of the voice as it echoed within the derelict space. "You're going to be putting on quite the show for us or, well... Would be a shame to have to hit this here button."

The threat was clear. the combatants remained exposed within the hangar proper and the only thing between them and a sudden, violent exit from the Godless Matron was the master control panel.

“Put on a show? What should I sing and dance? I must warn you I’m a horrible actor and an even worse singer.” Lavanth joked making small funny gestures with his hands. A couple people laughed on the cat walks. He counted at least five different people on the walkways.

“That makes six if we include the one who talked.” Lavanth thought. Six people isn’t hard to take down. Just when one has a button that can send you into a vacuum and you can’t reach them, you tend to stall for time and find away to get to them.

“You’d make a good comedian. No, I’m sure you know what you're meant to do.” The voice over the com said. The static bothered him momentarily, but the constant humming bothered him more. The Togruta’s vision blurred slightly due to the humming hitting his montrals, but he could more or less see. Just his shooting might be a bit worse.

“Quite frankly I don’t happen to have a clue…” The knight started but quickly shut up. He could hear the other person in the area with him. Though fuzzy he was there…and seemed prepared with a staff drawn. Lavanth reached to his hips which happened to still contain his favorite pistols, despite being on a foreign ship filled with people he didn’t know and a man threatening to kill him.

“You’d think that they would disarm prisoners… unless they want me to fight? OHH, that kind of show. Well sure I can do that, but it’d be more beneficial to keep him alive and get out of here with him.” The Knight thought. Surely there must be some way without actually having to say it. He couldn’t think of a way until he realized that his guns could talk without giving off his intent.

Drawing the twin slugthrowers, Lavanth gave them a quick twirl. The sound of them cutting through the air brought a smile to his face. He loved that noise. He stopped and ejected the mag of one and felt the top. The bullets were still in there. He quickly shoved the magazine back in and jumped right. The other person had rushed forth and swung. The Togruta spun and fired three shots near the other person's feet and legs. He tried to, without speaking signal that he didn’t intend to kill, but merely put on a show. The pirates up top laughed again, thinking how terrible of a shot this one was.

“Please get the message.” Lavanth thought.

“You toy with me?” His opponent said.

“Perhaps he didn’t get the message, or he’s just really good at playing along.” Either way, the Togruta stood there waiting with guns ready.

Darth Renatus, 27 November, 2016 4:03 PM UTC

Syntax

I’m a horrible actor and an even worse singer.” Lavanth joked

“That makes six if we include the one who talked.” Lavanth thought.

you're meant to do.” The voice over the com said.

here with him.” The Knight thought.

Please get the message.” Lavanth thought.

In "he said, she said" format — which these are — you need to use a comma instead of a period in the quotes. Also, the shorthand for "com" is "comm".

A couple people laughed on the cat walks.

"Catwalks" is a single word, not two.

Six people isn’t hard to take down.

Should be "aren't" here, due to "people" being plural and not singular.

you tend to stall for time and find away to get to them.

Simple error to make here. You went with "away" instead of "a way". One space changes the entire meaning.

He tried to, without speaking signal that he didn’t intend to kill, but merely put on a show.

Need another comma after "without speaking" in order for the flow to work properly here.

“You toy with me?” His opponent said.

There is no need to capitalize "His" as it is part of the dialogue as a sentence. The question mark doesn't end the sentence, in this case, but the full stop/period does.

Story

The Togruta’s vision blurred slightly due to the humming hitting his montrals, but he could more or less see.

This is a really confusing description. Your character is blind, save for the echolocation and their other senses. You don't "see" in the conventional sense. That has to be conveyed in your writing. This could straight up be considered a Realism hit against you. A disregard of your own character sheet. In this instance I'm just going to consider it lackluster writing.

He quickly shoved the magazine back in and jumped right. The other person had rushed forth and swung.

How does Lavanth know this? What are the clues? This is the pitfall of writing a blind character, as you need to go into greater detail just to convey basic things as how they perceive.

Overall Comments

This is a decent first post. You get into actual conflict, which is good, but you don't bother really setting up any reason. The prompt gives you the current situation but it is still up to you to establish how you got to this point. In the end, that merely provides a superficial hook that never sinks in to snag the reader. You also don't bother setting up your opponent. It is critical to snag the reader's attention as quickly as possible, especially with the lower word cap in this event.

Thorn's mouth showed an unmistakable scowl that screamed of disgust: disgust at having to fight like a common gladiator in front of this karking barbarians and pirates, disgust at being in this situation in the first place and disgust of the thought of dying for sport and not in a glorious way.

As he glanced around him while lazily twirling his Electrostaff, his mind had already started working on possible escape routes. The arena was bounded on all four sides with charged electric fences, the strength of which he obviously did not wish to test. Push the other guy against it maybe? If that momentarily diminishes the charge, he might had a chance of taking off from this hellhole. Around the arena, the huge hanger now included a small crowd of spectators. From the look of it, the way in and out would be through the observation deck, which would not be easy to get at. Then he looked up and espied some catwalks overhead. These looked too far off. But maybe...

His contemplation was disrupted by a rather irritating voice. "Now now, you're going to be putting on quite the show for us or, well... Would be a shame to have to hit this here button." The Falleen could not tell whether it belonged to a male or female, so concealed it was behind heavy static. His scowl told how much he cared about that fact.

The figure in front of him was more interesting. The male Togruta wore a helmet, but only his chin and mouth were uncovered. Undoubtedly, this one had a lightsaber and maybe something else The only common thing between himself and his opponent was that they were both trapped in his predicament. Both wanted to escape, and that was worth working on. But they can't let the others notice it.

His eyebrows furrowed slightly as the other guy started clowning around, and the corner of his thin lips curled into a small grin. "The only reason his Togruta is clowning is around is either he is karking insane, or he is stalling" he thought. "Well...they want a show...let's give them one!" Saying so, he rushed forward suddenly and swung out with the Electrostaff trying to cleave his opponent in two.

The Fallen was not surprised when his foe sidestepped easily. In fact, he would have had been more surprised if the blow connected. Thorn immediately went on defense after this momentary offensive, and sure enough, he was thankful he did so. Three bolts of 'slugs' he fired at the Falleen's feet. The other guy either had a terrible aim, or wanted to keep him at a distance. Or maybe he did not want to fight...

Thorn had a sudden idea to draw out the fight. Rather than fighting with weapons, an unarmed fight would not just last long, but would also give them the chance to get close enough to speak to each other! The spectators were surprised when they beheld one of the fighters drop his Electrostaff.

"What do you think you're doing? You know you'll have to fight...or you'll both float in space for an eternity!" cracked the voice from the observation deck. The atmosphere immediately changed to one of confusion and uncertainty. Thorn was relishing that! He allowed a couple of seconds to pass before raising his gloved hand. They were Shockboxing Gloves. Hopefully, they would get the message.

Sure enough, the irritating voice cackled with unsuppressed glee "Well, well...I'm glad to announce that this is now an unarmed fight to the death."

Darth Renatus, 27 November, 2016 4:21 PM UTC

Syntax

in front of this karking barbarians and pirates

Because you're referencing plural nouns, you should be using "these" instead of "this".

Thorn's mouth showed an unmistakable scowl that screamed of disgust: disgust at having to fight like a common gladiator in front of this karking barbarians and pirates, disgust at being in this situation in the first place and disgust of the thought of dying for sport and not in a glorious way.

This isn't a run-on sentence, no... It is a run-on paragraph. You should break it up into parts and try to avoid repetition with your use of "disgust". You're using it here to get a point across, but it comes across as more bludgeoning than helpful to your cause.

twirling his Electrostaff

Your weapon is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized as such. You do this several times.

he might had a chance of taking off from this hellhole.

You should be using "have" instead of "had" in this bit. It's a partial tense change, calling for different use. In fact, "he might have had a chance" would also work, but just "had" doesn't.

These looked too far off.

This is an instance where you should be using "They" instead of "These" for sentence flow and the fact that it's a seperate sentence.

"The only reason his Togruta is clowning is around is either he is karking insane, or he is stalling" he thought. "Well...they want a show...let's give them one!"

I'm presuming, based on the "thought" in the middle, that this entire segment is internal dialogue. It should be denoted with italics, which you can acheive through italics markdown that consists of an asetrisk (*) on either side of the segment.

or he is stalling" he thought.

Missing the punctuation inside the quotes.

In fact, he would have had been more surprised if the blow connected.

This is a case where the sentence flow becomes infinitely more awkward with "would have had". The "had" is superfluous and should be dropped.

The other guy either had a terrible aim, or wanted to keep him at a distance.

First, there is no need for "a" in front of "terrible aim". After that, the comma here isn't needed and hurts your overall flow. It's not like "and" when connecting two independent clauses.

They were Shockboxing Gloves.

More unnecessary capitalization.

Sure enough, the irritating voice cackled with unsuppressed glee "Well, well...

You should be closing this sentence off with punctuation before delving into the dialogue.

Continuity

His contemplation was disrupted by a rather irritating voice. "Now now, you're going to be putting on quite the show for us or, well... Would be a shame to have to hit this here button."

This is the second post. That dialogue occurred before the first post, so retreading it now is quite literally the definition of an error in continuity. In fact, the entire continuity of your post is off. I know your opponent didn't give your character much of an introduction, but there are ways to do so without breaking the flow of the narrative. It took you over half your post just to get to where your opponent ended theirs.

Overall Comments

While you did a good job of trying to inject life into the venue alongside the writing, you tripped over yourself for the most part throughout it. The biggest thing that hurt you in this post was the fact that you retread the continuity. It took you way too long to make any forward momentum in the narrative. In fact, the only thing here that actually occurs after the first post is that Thorn dropped the electrostaff and switched to his gloves for fisticuffs.

“Unarmed? Well that hardly seems fair!” Lavanth said holstering one his pistols. He then heard a much more powerful humming coming from his opponent.

“What about him? He’s armed! He’s using something!” Lavanth shouted at the box. He quickly rolled backwards from a punch from his opponent. Snickers came from the balconies. That punch had come dangerously close, closer than he wanted it too. Something was off though. That punch felt almost intentionally off point. Almost as if he didn’t try to actually hit him.

“Screw unarmed, all this guy wants is a good fight.” The Knight thought. He keep dodging the boxer, which by no means was easy. This guy was obviously trained, and trained well at that. No way he would last long against that. Lavanth eventually got out his other pistol and closed in. The man grabbed both guns and held the bayonets away.

“What are you trying to do?” The man whispered as he held the blades away. Lavanth tilted his gun slightly and fired a few shots. This was something the Knight had taught himself to do. Even when close... shot them.

“Trying to find a way out of this place!” He hissed back, “Easy enough if I can just locate all of them. Firing will be easy at them.” His opponent pushed back the guns and threw a punch. The Togruta sidestepped it, as it appeared to be going slower than it could have gone, and stab at Thorn. Again the blade was caught. If he could last in this position long enough he would be able to detect all possible threats.

“Listen lovers, if one of you doesn’t start to…” The incessant man started to say. Lavanth realizing that they needed to move, gave a quick headbut and jumped backwards. Although not fully empty, it was better to have a full clip for what he had in mind. The headbut was hopefully hard enough to have him be “stunned” and stall long enough for him to locate how many there were. He started to rub his own head as if it hurt him. After a few moments, he had it. The general space of where each and every pirate was.

Lavanth was close in his initial guess, as there were only eight other pirates. Seven on the catwalks and that one in the box that held his and his opponent's fate. That would have to be the first target.
It wouldn’t take more than two, maybe three shots per pirate. One clip was full and the other based on the shots had roughly ten shots at most. Assuming he would only need two shots, as he hoped that he knew what he was dong, he could do it… if he was fast enough. Lavanth rushed forward and swung his blades as the Captain dodged and blocked.

“I know where they are, now the question of how to “accidentally” shot them.” Lavanth whispered as they sparred. He heard thorn give a low chuckle.

“I might just be able to help with that.” Was his reply.

Darth Renatus, 27 November, 2016 4:58 PM UTC

Syntax

Lavanth said holstering one his pistols.

This should read as: Lavanth said, holstering one of his pistols.

is a good fight.” The Knight thought.

As before, this is all one sentence and should be a comma and not a full stop/period in the quotes. Nor should there be a capital on "The".

He keep dodging the boxer, which by no means was easy.

The proper tense here would be "kept" instead of "keep".

Even when close... shot them.

Should be "shoot".

“What are you trying to do?” The man whispered

this place!” He hissed back

doesn’t start to…” The incessant man started to say.

shot them.” Lavanth whispered

“I might just be able to help with that.” Was his reply

Again, you don't capitalize the first word after the quote in "he said, she said" unless it's a proper noun, and you don't use full stop/periods to close them out. Exclamation, question marks, and commas are fine.

and stab at Thorn.

Should be "stabbed".

gave a quick headbut

The headbut was

The word you're looking for is "headbutt".

That would have to be the first target. [single space line break] It wouldn’t take more than two,

You double spaced every other paragraph, but single spaced this one.

One clip was full and the other based on the shots had roughly ten shots at most.

Repetitious use of "shots" here. Change it up to keep it interested.

he hoped that he knew what he was dong,

I'm assuming you meant to go with "doing" instead of "dong".

“I know where they are, now the question of how to “accidentally” shot them.”

When using quotes inside of quotes, you should use single quotes instead of double.

Continuity

The man grabbed both guns and held the bayonets away.

Possessions isn't a thing, so weapon mods aren't a thing in this match at this juncture. Beyond that, your weapon list doesn't have bayonets on your guns. Given this is your first time mentioning them in this match, that's a big hit. You can't just add things as a convenience, regardless if your CQC aspect mentions bayonets. If it isn't in the loadout, you don't have it.

"I might just be able to help with that Let's dance!" said Thorn with a slight smirk.

He started weaving in and out around his opponent, executing some advanced martial arts techniques which seemed real enough to any onlooker, but to one with a keen eye, it would seem a just a choreographed movement pattern. He would easily dodge and block the oncoming blades before retaliating with punches of his own. The good this is that none of them were getting hurt. Thorn's punches did not have the full force. Firstly, he would deliberately stop before some of his more lethal his blows landed. Secondly, even the ones that did land were not forceful enough to injure his opponent. One hard blow landed on Lavanth's right shoulder, numbing his arm for a few seconds, which forced him to drop his blades.

"Hey! Watch it! What're you playing at?" hissed his Lavanth. Thorn drew back to give him enough time to make a comeback.

The Falleen shrugged while massaging his abdomen where the headbutt connected. "Got to make them believe, right? Hit the one on the deck first."

The Knight charged with a renewed vigor. His opponent was playing along nicely as well with his sharp but careful swings of his blades. The swings were thankfully slow, giving him enough time to get out of the way, block or dodge them. Even during combat, the Falleen had his eye on the real target. He did not forget who the real enemy was here. He had a rough idea where each of them was sitting, which was made difficult by the fact that the two fighters were going round and round in the fighting. However, his plan needed more or less the right direction at the right time. It was a challenge with their continuous movement.

There’s something about smelling one’s end. It makes you more alert to every kind of danger. In martial philosophy, this is something known as Death Ground. Typically, some martial arts masters would put their students in an impossible challenge from which there is no outlet but one: to beat the challenge. More often than not, students show ferocity unknown to themselves. They win through such situations. When faced with something life threatening, the body reacts strongly. A Death Ground magnifies very survival skill. When there is no choice but to fight to live, people generally fight to the bitter end, even coming out victorious.

Something similar happened during the fight. Thorn’s real opponent was not Levanth, although he still needed to keep away from his blades and slug throwers. He was therefore focused intensely on the man in the box first, waiting for the right moment.

As soon as the time came he hissed, “Now!”

The Knight understood what he meant and took out his slugthrowers, ready. Thorn started sprinting towards him after making sure his back was towards the Observation Deck. When he was almost near to the Knight, the Falleen leapt up in the air and pulled back his right arm sharply as if to smash his face in. The Knight had already taken aim at him.

His punch swam past his opponent’s head as he landed on the Knight’s left hand side. Almost instantly, Levanth fired thrice at the Observation deck. A blood curdling cry told that he found his mark.

“Well, he’s not a bad shot after all” mused the Fallen.

Darth Renatus, 27 November, 2016 5:39 PM UTC

Syntax

"I might just be able to help with that Let's dance!"

There is no need for a captial on "Let's dance" without punctuation in front of it.

He started weaving in and out around his opponent, executing some advanced martial arts techniques which seemed real enough to any onlooker, but to one with a keen eye, it would seem a just a choreographed movement pattern.

This is at significant risk of becoming a run-on sentence. There is so much comma splicing that it is difficult to read. Try to change it up with em-dash use, or splitting it into multiple sentences.

The good this is that none of them were getting hurt.

The good what? This is incredibly awkward and reads as though "this" should have been something else.

Firstly, he would deliberately stop before some of his more lethal his blows landed.

Word use creating extremely awkward flow. Remove the "his" after "lethal".

"Hey! Watch it! What're you playing at?" hissed his Lavanth.

Unless their relationship is reaching a status otherwise unhinted at, I think the "his" is misplaced.

The Knight charged with a renewed vigor.

The "a" isn't needed here.

He had a rough idea where each of them was sitting

Should be "were sitting".

A Death Ground magnifies very survival skill.

You probably meant "every survival" here.

Thorn’s real opponent was not Levanth

I believe his name is "Lavanth".

His punch swam past his opponent’s head as he landed on the Knight’s left hand side.

Should be "left-hand" here, with a hyphen. Also "swam" is not a verb that should be used with punching. Instead, you could use "swung" or "shot".

Observation deck.

There is no need for the capital here.

A blood curdling cry told that he found his mark.

Same as above. This should be "blood-curdling".

“Well, he’s not a bad shot after all” mused the Fallen.

Where is the comma in the dialogue?

Story

He started weaving in and out around his opponent, executing some advanced martial arts techniques which seemed real enough to any onlooker, but to one with a keen eye, it would seem a just a choreographed movement pattern.

In the ACC we have a big prioritization for "show don't tell". This is a case of telling us about "advanced martial arts techniques" but not showing them to us. This doesn't help your writing, it hinders it. The reader has no idea what these techniques are, and if you do know you should be painting the complete picture for the reader.

There’s something about smelling one’s end.

This came out of left field, narrative wise, and is just awkward. You are smelling your end? Why not sensing it? Feeling its approach?

Continuity

"I might just be able to help with that Let's dance!" said Thorn with a slight smirk.

You just reiterated the last sentence of the opponent's post but added "Let's dance".

which forced him to drop his blades.

I can see the confusion, since he is using bayonets, but even allowing for that you should be using "guns" instead of "blades".

Realism

A blood curdling cry told that he found his mark.

Your opponent is blind and needs to be written as such. This is way outside the range. Of even his echolocation, so you need to describe how he is aiming.

All the pirates gave a sudden look at the gunner and the box post. They all concluded the same thing. What just happened could have been an accident. What came next wasn’t though.

”Three shots. If that’s the average than we should be good.” The Knight thought. Crossing his arms, he tilted his pistols so that the barrel of each skewed upwards. He started to spin and fire rounds. A small whoop left his mouth.

The rounds found their marks. Before the pirates could even draw weapons a round or two found its place in them. Most shots rang out against the metal panels, but the sound of fleshing being torn was quite clear as well. A slight smirk formed on Lavanth’s face. He was always happy when making a shot. Prove to the world that he didn’t need eyes to hit someone.

At the end of spinning, he steadied himself and ejected the clips in his guns. Sliding them across his belt, shoving new magazines in the guns. He waited to hear if any of the pirates stirred.

“Not bad Togruta. Not bad indeed. Now to get out of here.” The Fallen announced clapping. Lavanth chuckled as he holstered his twin firearms. This was the challenge, getting out of this arena.

A feeling suddenly washed over Lavanth. A feeling of cold and dread. Air leaving him and him floating. Weightlessness in a dark void. Space. It suddenly hit him, the man in the box was still alive and was crawling towards the button. He drew both pistols and without even proper aiming unloaded every slug in both guns into where he knew where the box was. Flashes erupted slightly from the tips of the barrels. Cries of further pain rang out from the overseer’s area. The casings of the bullet fell to the floor and echoed throughout the now empty room.

“I assume that was needed?” Thorn asked raising an eyebrow at his temporary companion.

“Well if we wanted to live, yes very necessary.” Lavanth said holstering his guns. Thorn cocked an eyebrow.

“So how do we get out of this?” The Knight asked. Thorn pondered for a moment.

“Well you could probably help throw me over the wall and then I could disable it when I get over.” The Captain suggested. A slight smirk formed his face. He didn’t necessarily need to help the other one out, so long as he was one to escape.

“Yeah I don’t think I have the ability to do that,” Lavanth said with a shrug, “but I will try this.” Lavanth walked until he was close to the edge. He then pumped himself up and down and then launched himself up.

”Please make it, please make it!” Lavanth thought as he just barely jumped over the barrier encasing them. He collapsed as he landed upon the ground. Landing was the kind way of saying it, impacting the deck.

“Where is that damn generator. Keeps making that stupid humming noise.” Lavanth asked barely being able to stand. Thorn quickly scanned the room and pointed it out.

“So you know how to turn it off right?” Thorn asked. Lavanth laughed at him.

“Of course I do!” He said loading a bullet into his gun. He pointed and fired dead center of the machine. Sparks flew out and the field dissipated away from Thorn.

“Well then, see you around good sir. It was entertaining to make your acquaintance.” The Togruta announced bowing.

“Likewise.” The Fallen replied back. At least he was alive, that’s all he cared about in that moment.

Darth Renatus, 27 November, 2016 6:42 PM UTC

Syntax

All the pirates gave a sudden look at the gunner and the box post.

We have literally no idea what you mean by "box post" here.

If that’s the average than we should be good.

This should be "then". It isn't a comparison, it is a sequence of events.

The Fallen announced clapping.

Your opponent is a "Falleen".

The casings of the bullet fell to the floor

Should be "bullets".

“So how do we get out of this?” The Knight asked.

it when I get over.” The Captain suggested.

There is still no need "The" after the dialogue.

A slight smirk formed his face.

Like all of his face? No eyes and such?

Landing was the kind way of saying it, impacting the deck.

You would use italics for emphasis here, not bold, and it should read otherwise, such as: Landing was one way of saying it, more like impacting due to the force. Or! You could refer to it as "crashing" to the ground.

humming noise.” Lavanth asked barely being able to stand.

Comma, not a period in "he said, she said" dialogue.

Continuity & Realism

He drew both pistols and without even proper aiming unloaded every slug in both guns into where he knew where the box was.

So, this hits two categories here. First off, it's continuity because you have yet to reload. These are slughthrowers. Not blasters. That means finite ammunition. You even specified that you had 10 shots in one of your guns. Now you're unloading an indeterminate known as "every slug" after spending on average "2 shots" on each of the pirates before. That's unrealistic.

Realism

The rounds found their marks. Before the pirates could even draw weapons a round or two found its place in them. Most shots rang out against the metal panels, but the sound of fleshing being torn was quite clear as well. A slight smirk formed on Lavanth’s face. He was always happy when making a shot. Prove to the world that he didn’t need eyes to hit someone.

At the end of spinning, he steadied himself and ejected the clips in his guns. Sliding them across his belt, shoving new magazines in the guns. He waited to hear if any of the pirates stirred.

Okay, so I could count the ways this breaks things but we'd be here all day. This is part of why the Voice staff expressed concerns with your sheet when you were introducing the blind stuff. With +3 Slugthrowers and a general sense of where everyone is, sure if you throw enough bullets at the wall eventually you'll hit something but there are inherent problems. For one, all your hits were fatal. The odds... let's not discuss the odds. There's also the bullet count. That's a lot of shots to make! Overall, this stretches the acceptable bounds of disbelief into the realm of "what did I just read". This ends up hurting you, instead of increasing the quality.

A feeling suddenly washed over Lavanth. A feeling of cold and dread. Air leaving him and him floating. Weightlessness in a dark void. Space. It suddenly hit him, the man in the box was still alive and was crawling towards the button.

This isn't how Precognition works. I recommend you take a look at the Wiki page for Force Powers. In fact, even the Judging staff frequently reference this while writing our own matches. It's a good sanity check. What you just described is instant Farsight, which still wouldn't be a thing.

He said loading a bullet into his gun.

Would you not load it into the magazine? Or clip? And why only one?

Overall Comments

More or less, just the unofficially dubbed "Rule of Turel" or, as some call it "touch sabers" rule. There is no conflict between your characters. This is a combat competition between them and each post must involve that conflict. Tossing you over a fence doesn't quite qualify as conflict.

Levanth's first shot at the observation deck only scratched the glass. The creature inside controlling and, according to Thorn, impertinently, goading them to fight, thought that the glass would hold. But he was wrong. The next shot broke through the glass and flew at his chest on the left side, right on the heart. The other spectators were suddenly fearful. With no one controlling the match, anything could happen. The exit could not be opened as no one was now there on the controlling booth. Well, not alive anyway. Delight gave away to fear. Fear gave away to pure terror, and blind rage for some. Most of the onlookers below were too staggered to speak and move. Those who lingered were shot. The Knight was quick that way. With the Force aiding him, and getting his calculations right, he managed to kill most of them. However, some were more battle-hardy, the ones who never give up without a fight.

The ones left alive grabbed their weapons and started shooting at Thorn and Levanth. Both tried best not to get shot. The Jedi had a better advantage. Using the Force, he could get out of harm's way before the bolts could reach him, leaving him with enough time to gun the man down. For the Falleen, it was harder. He was neither a Force user not did he have a gun of his own, something which his opponent noticed. ”Here! Take this, and kindly watch my back, will ya?”

Thorn was grateful for that, which of course he did not vocalize. Grabbing the auxiliary slug thrower, he fired at the shooters, trying to suppress them as best at possible. Being trapped inside a paddock bounded by deadly electric wires does not give you much room for cover or for maneuvering. He decided to work together with the Jedi.

Back to back, they fired at the assailants. While Levanth worked towards pure killing, Thorn acted as the spotter. He would tell the Knight which direction to shoot, which made matters much easier. Otherwise, things were heating up for the Jedi as well. He had limited ammo, and in the heat of battle he could not see all the assailants, many of whom had found convenient cover. Unfortunately, for them, there was not cover. It was one shot, one kill.

“Left. LEFT! No, not to your left, towards my left! Right, that way! No…wait not on the right side you blind buffoon!” the Falleen shouted.

“Hey, you need to tell me before I start shooting, git!

“Well, open your ears then! Or are they blind as well?”

“Better than yours, thank you!” said Levanth, as he killed two more with the Force as his sure guide.

”Good! See what a little motivation can do? Now there is just one more left, and he is to your left by the way!”

The Knight took aim and fired thrice.“Oh! Motivation, is it? What kind of motivational talk was that wise guy? ” He found his mark with the first ‘slug’, throwing the target a few feet into the air and down with a loud thud .

“Ever heard of negative motivation?” grinned Thorn.

“Is there no one else? Is there NO ONE ELSE?” Levanth started gloating.

“Oh shut up, you Achilles! They’re all dead. Now let’s get out of here. The ring’s boundary is a few feet away. When I say jump, you jump. Yes?”

Levanth nodded. He holstered the Enforcer and squatted down half away, ready to spring across to safety. And that’s when it came.

Suddenly, the Force screamed at him, confusing him.

Thorn struck swiftly, wheeling the metal shaft of his quarterstaff and bringing it down on the back of the unsuspecting Knight, leaving him dazed. Levanth clutched the back of his head in intense pain, trying to back away and turn around to face Thorn. But the Falleen lost no time. With a couple of forceful punches on the face and chest of the Knight, following by a kick, he was pushed back against the electric wall! As myriad volts of electricity charged within his body and toasting his flesh, the Force was the only thing that saved him from dying. Thorn’s earlier calculation was correct. The charge was enough for one man alone, not or two.

“Why…?”

Thorn walked up and crossed the boundary of the arena and looked back “There has to be one winner…and the best man won.”

Darth Renatus, 27 November, 2016 6:57 PM UTC

Syntax

Levanth

His name still hasn't changed from "Lavanth".

Delight gave away to fear.

Should be: gave way.

He was neither a Force user not did he have a gun of his own

Should be "nor" instead of "not".

trying to suppress them as best at possible.

Should be "as best as possible".

Story

the Force was the only thing that saved him from dying

So, I mentioned earlier in this judgement that we are big fans of "show don't tell". In what way did the Force save him? It sure wasn't +1 Control Self. That requires a lot of concentration, which would be hard to come by while being electrocuted.

Realism

Oh shut up, you Achilles!

So, the Illiad, and other such Greek stories, do not exist within the realm of Star Wars. The Greeks, for that matter, do not exist within Star Wars. This reference is, as such, towards real world matters. Much like real world swearing, this is a Realism detractor.

Thorn struck swiftly, wheeling the metal shaft of his quarterstaff and bringing it down on the back of the unsuspecting Knight, leaving him dazed.

And here is where we culminate your realism error, and to be fair your opponent did it somewhat as well. His personality aspect is "I Trust About As Far As I Can See". Why would he have given you one of his guns, especially if he doesn't trust people and then you turn around and back stab him anyways... confirming the reasoning behind having that aspect. The distrust is just not on display anywhere in the writing.