PAD Seridan Brehevik vs. SC Revak Kur

Padawan Seridan Brehevik

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Consular, Juggernaut
vs.

Sentinel Scout Revak Kur

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Hapan, Sentinel, Seeker
Comment

Seridan takes the win here, however I would advise both of you to proof-read your posts before submitting them. There were many grammatical errors from both of you that could have been avoided. Quite often, good grammar is what generates victories, especially when competing with someone who is equally matched in descriptive writing.

Congratulations, Seridan!

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition ACC Open Beta Tournament
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants PAD Seridan Brehevik, SC Revak Kur
Winner PAD Seridan Brehevik
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
PAD Seridan Brehevik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
SC Revak Kur's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 6 May, 2014 8:05 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Ambassador Revak K'Urr Corvus Corax
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: (...a Journeyman who has proven a vital asset to the Jedi Order) This came out of tense for a moment, though it really was your only major glaring error. Rationale: You had several grammatical errors that detracted from the overall post. (‘There’s all sorts of things I can do to level the playing field’ Seridan thought, somewhat deviously.) "There's" should be "There are." Any thought or statement should have a comma or a period prior to the close quotation mark. This error occurred repeatedly through your posts. You also began several sentences with "But," which is a conjunction and only to be used between clauses. Other than those things, you did fairly well.
Story - 40%
Ambassador Revak K'Urr Corvus Corax
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your story was a little cliche, but made sense for the location and characters. The reason you were docked here was because of your use of the names of lightsaber forms. Instead of saying "Makashi salute," assume that the reader has no idea what Makashi is and describe it. It makes for more interesting reading. The other reason I docked you here was the describing of what a character was going to do, as opposed to simply showing the action. If you're going to have the character succeed in the action, don't talk about it, just do it. Rationale: Try to describe what things look like as opposed to simply what their names are (eg. Makashi salute). It makes for a more interesting read if you describe what a stance or action would look like to someone who has never heard of the Force or is unfamiliar with lightsaber forms or hand-to-hand combat forms. This being said, I really enjoyed your deathpost, specifically talking about the exhaustion. So often we forget that our characters aren't all powerful, and do succumb to fatigue.
Realism - 25%
Ambassador Revak K'Urr Corvus Corax
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: I did enjoy how you talked about Seridan practicing his Echani and his difficulty with more difficult maneuvers, given his +2 in Primary Martial Art. After that, you didn't really use any of his aspects or other Force Powers. In fact, you mentioned a "wall of green," which wouldn't really be plausible given his +1 to Primary Lightsaber Form. Rationale: I found that you didn't use your opponent's character sheet as much as I would have liked, specifically his aspects, but your talk about exhaustion really propelled you in this category.
Continuity - 20%
Ambassador Revak K'Urr Corvus Corax
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: I saw no problems. Rationale: I saw no real problems here.
Ambassador Revak K'Urr's Score: 3.55 Corvus Corax's Score: 3.65
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

The sound of grunts and stomps echoed through the halls of the Shadow Academy. Revak Kur, while walking to the courtyard, heard the noise and decided to investigate. He followed the sound to one of the combat training rooms. Inside the large, grey durasteel room was Seridan Brehevik, a Journeyman who has proven a vital asset to the Jedi Order. The Miraluka was in the center of the room with his back facing the entrance. Seridan stood in the Echani combat-ready stance and would strike then retract himself back to his start position. After every attempt the moves began to look more fluid and precise.

Revak crossed his arms, leaned in the opening and continued to watch the Journeyman. He was so focused in his exercises that he failed to detect Revak with the Force. It was when Seridan fell while trying one of the more advanced moves that Revak walked into the room and announced his presence.

“You have a ways to go.” Revak ended the statement with a laugh.

Seridan spun his head around.

“How long have you been standing there?” The annoyance hung heavy on his voice.

“Long enough to know that in a fight, I may have the upper hand.” Revak said with a grin.

Seridan wiped the sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his tunic. He looked at Revak then un-clipped his training saber from his belt and ignited it. The blade gave off an emerald glow.

“How about we spar a little?”

Ravak gave Seridan a nod and walked towards him. He stopped when he was just within 1.5 meters. Revak un-clipped his lightsaber, ignited the blade then presented it with a Makashi salute. The two stood motionless as they assessed each other. Revak acted first by quickly jerking the lightsaber, which caused Seridan to raise his in defense. Instead of following through, Revak built up a Telekinetic Wave and released it, sending Seridan tumbling through the air several meters. Seridan stood up, dusted off his lower robes then grinned.

Seridan took another second to size up his opponent. Revak was wearing his usual, loose clothes that could be a problem during full speed dueling. He also wasn’t wearing his battle helmet.

‘There’s all sorts of things I can do to level the playing field’ Seridan thought, somewhat deviously.

Smiling at the thought of the disadvantages, he summoned his lightsaber from the floor and closed the distance between them. Reigniting the blade, the corners of his mouth fell and his mind cleared. “Nice trick.” Seridan said. “But now it’s my turn.”

Seridan swung his lightsaber towards Revak’s torso, but it was parried easily. Seridan tried a quick lunge instead - he hoped that the trusty riposte would work. Again it was swept aside by Revak’s blade.

A small smirk was appearing on his opponents face; an aura of confidence flowed from his body. Seridan decided that this was the time for action. He released a wave of darkness. The air surrounding him grew black and inky - minimal light was passing through. Seridan started to back away from the black fog. Knowing that Revak was effectively blind in the dark, Seridan found him with the Force and then sent a blow crashing down on his back.

Revak fell to the floor, winded. The darkness began to fade and Revak could now see again. But Seridan could no longer see Revak. Seridan didn’t see anyone inside the fog. He spun around. Nor could he see anyone in the large room; it was empty. Realising his mistake, he spun around. Revak stood in front of him with his lightsaber steady, his eyes roared for vengeance. Reaching out with the Force, Seridan knew that his mind was as cool and calculating as ever.

Seridan moved first. He swung up, aiming for a diagonal blow across Revak’s chest. Revak brought his lightsaber up with terrifying speed and met Seridan’s blade with surprising accuracy. Seridan had not expected such strength, and Revak’s follow-through pried the lightsaber from the Padawan’s hands.

The training lightsaber flew across the room, too far for the Force to summon it back. Seridan backed away, forming a backup plan. Revak continued to stand in his Makashi stance, his face now expressionless. No doubt he was waiting for Seridan’s move. Seridan smiled as he reached a decision.

Seridan decided that if he distracted Revak, he could close the gap between him and his lightsaber by a quick sprint and knowing that Revak could not kill him made him even more confident his plan would work. Seridan started to laugh. This puzzled Revak who didn’t know how to take it. He knew he had the upper hand but knew also that Seridan had a well-crafted plan beginning to unfold. He remained cautious.

Seridan began to walk towards Revak. “That’s it. You got me.” Seridan said with a smile.

“Just like that?” Revak looked untrustingly but extinguished his lightsaber and re-attached it onto his belt.

Seridan reached to shake Revak’s hand with a friendly smile. When their palms touched, Seridan clamped down and pulled Revak off balance, striking him in the right side of his face with a quick left hook. The Hapan stumbled but was able to catch his opponent’s second left hook with his left hand. The Jedi had solid holds on each other’s fists and began using low kicks to knock their opponent to the ground. Seridan made unrelenting kicks to Revak’s peroneal nerve causing him to drop to his left knee. Seridan, now having the upper hand, took this opportunity to strike at Revak’s face with his right knee. Revak raised his left elbow to catch the strike but the force of it knocked him to the ground. He still had a firm grip on the Journeyman and, while now on the floor, put Seridan in an awkward position. Revak placed his foot on Seridan’s abdomen and rolled backwards, propelling the Miraluka a sort distance. Seridan rolled but planted himself. Ravak jumped to his feet but his leg still ached.

Seridan saw the weakness in his opponent and decided to make the dash for his lightsaber. In his weakened state, Revak decided that he was better off in a lightsaber duel so he did nothing to prevent Seridan from regaining his weapon. Seridan scooped up the lightsaber and ignited it. He took a minute to catch his breath and regain his composure. Revak stood and placed his hand on his lightsaber, removed it from his belt and ignited it. The pain in his leg dulled a little but he fought through it as he limped towards Seridan. Revak made another salute with the blade.

The adrenaline that roared through Seridan’s veins started to fade. He’d been thrown onto the floor twice, and the dull ache was starting to seep through his body. Despite his own damage, Seridan could see that Revak wasn’t faring much better. Revak had a slight limp from where Seridan had struck him. At least now, Seridan had his lightsaber. The idle hum of the weapon calmed his nerves and softened his pain.

Seridan strode to meet Revak. This time he would play it safe. He raised his weapon in a defensive position and kept a very close watch on his opponent. Revak lunged, but his blade was swept aside. Revak smoothly reacted by twirling around for a leg strike. Once again, Seridan parried the blow, and this time he counter-attacked. He spun his lightsaber towards Revak’s right shoulder. The Sentinel caught the blow, and Seridan started unleashing a barrage of quick attacks. Revak had to pivot around on his weak leg to block them all.

Just as Seridan thought he was succeeding in weakening his opponent Revak began counter-attacking. It caught Seridan off guard and allowed Revak the time and focus to deliver a strong telekinetic blow to Seridan’s chest. The Journeyman was thrown once more. This time, Seridan didn’t roll. He took the whole impact, and for a moment, he didn’t move.

Revak waited honourably for his opponent to be ready to resume their battle. It was almost as if he didn’t expect any trickery from him. In fact, that was what Seridan was counting on. He rolled onto his front and directed a telekinetic blow of his own at Revak. The Hapan braced himself for the blow but was still thrown to the floor.

As both Jedi pulled themselves up from the floor Seridan could sense Revak formulating a plan. Not liking the intentions he sensed, Seridan raised his lightsaber and ignited it. Revak looked up, a glint of menace in his eyes, and threw his lightsaber. It arced through the air towards Seridan at an incredible speed. It was all he could do to raise his lightsaber in defence. The incoming projectile bounced off and returned to Revak’s hand.

Seridan took a step back from the impact. The two duelers were about 15 feet apart. Revak now stood in a traditional Makashi salute, whilst Seridan stood in the basic defense position. Both felt the strain of a prolonged battle, and both wanted to end this battle on top.

Seridan once more surveyed his opponent. His left knee was still weak and he must be aching after being thrown about.

‘He mustn’t be feeling any better than me.’ Seridan thought.

“You wanna call it a draw?” Revak called.

“Not a chance.” Seridan replied with a grin.

“Good. Then let’s end this.”

Revak charged. Pushing through the pain in his leg, he quickly closed the gap. Seridan defended with a wild flurry, producing what looked like a wall of green to put something between him and his attacker. Revak made several one-handed overhand strikes; each one blocked but gave some indication of Seridan’s increasing fatigue. One after another, Revak brought his lightsaber down on the Journeyman.

Fearing he would lose this battle, Seridan made quick maneuvers with his feet that began to give him the distance he needed to rest shortly. Rallying everything he had, Seridan struck back at Revak taking him completely by surprise. Revak’s lightsaber was sent skidding across the floor. Seridan grinned as he ferociously attacked the unarmed Hapan. He struck Revak several times with low kicks that brought the Equite to the ground. Revak rolled from side to side to dodge Seridan’s overhead strikes. Seridan planted his left foot on Revak’s chest and made a horizontal strike from the right that struck Revak’s left hand. Revak screamed in pain from the intense burn and the instantaneous spasm from his arm. Revak reached up with his right hand and grabbed hold of Seridan’s knee. Pushing with all his strength and rolling onto his left shoulder, he hyperextended Seridan’s knee. Seridan let out a wail from the pain before hitting the ground. Revak pushed him off then stood up. Seridan, putting all his weight on his right leg, quickly scurried to his feet.

Revak raised his right hand. He released a stream of electricity from his fingertips towards Seridan. The shock raced through Seridan’s body, stunning him for a brief moment. Revak went in for the final attack. He grabbed the Miraluk’s head and pulled it down to meet his knee. Seridan fell backwards, unconscious. His body twitched for a minute before laying still. Revak took a deep breath and exhaled to calm his mind before walked over to tend to his wounded brother.

The two Jedi ran at each other, rapidly closing the distance that existed between them. Adrenaline once again rushed into their veins, invigorating their movements and dulling their pains.

The pair clashed in a spinning fury of lightsaber and Jedi. Seridan would swing his lightsaber around and Revak would deftly parry, before releasing an attack of his own. Seridan would try to feint, dodge and disarm, but Revak would always be able to stop his efforts.

Seridan grew increasingly tired, the persistent ache of exhaustion threatening to take over. He could feel each swing growing slightly slower. He cycled through his options. He went in, intending to lock lightsabers with the Hapan opposite him. But Revak put all of his weight into a disarm. Seridan’s lightsaber flew once again; its extinguishing hiss ringing in his ears.

Seridan stepped back. This exhaustion was unusual. His mind was tired as well as his body. But they could be forced to act. Seridan kicked himself into gear, focussing his mind on one thing: Get up close and personal. Seridan moved into a basic defense stance, his body perpendicular to Revak’s looming form. He reached down and took his Armoury DL-44 blaster from its holster. Spinning around with all the speed he could muster, Seridan started spraying blaster fire towards the Sentinel Scout. Revak was forced to deflect the bolts away from himself, allowing Seridan to close the distance.

One of the shots glanced past Revak’s hand, singeing the skin. As a reflex, Revak let go of his lightsaber. Its emerald blade retracted into the hilt as it spiralled through the air.

Using his quick wit, Revak moved gracefully into the Jakelian stance. Seridan approached while bearing the Jeswandi stance. When Seridan was in range, Revak struck out for Seridan’s leading leg, but Seridan intercepted with his right fist. Revak smoothly blocked it, before swiftly flowing into a strike on Seridan’s chest. The hit was powerful, winding Seridan and making him step back. Seridan’s body had a general ache anyway, but that strike would definitely leave a bruise.

Before Seridan could reenter the fight, Revak unleashed another wave of telekinetic energy, propelling Seridan back once more. It was weaker than the rest, but still powerful enough to make Seridan fall to the floor.

It would be a while before Seridan could summon the power to move. His body ached and he didn’t want to move from its position on the floor. Revak walked over, evidently tired. His hair was drenched in sweat and his leg was obviously paining him.

“Good match, Seridan.” He said, his voice sounding as tired as Seridan felt. “You’ll be a worthy opponent in no time.” He said with a smirk, offering Seridan a hand up.

Seridan grabbed Revak’s hand and pulled himself to his feet. Seridan couldn’t help feeling disappointed that he’d lost. But, in the end, he didn’t mind. Revak was a worthy opponent to lose to.