Savant Riku Amahara vs. Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj

Savant Riku Amahara

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Umbaran, Force Disciple, Marauder, Krath
vs.

Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Female Human, Sith, Shadow, Krath
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the Guests of the Matron competition and the ACC.

I left detailed individual comments on the post and the scores but I will cover some general comments here that applied to both. Both your posts were relatively clean from a syntax standpoint. Riku had noticeably more syntax errors than Kooki but it wasn't enough to be detracting from reading. There were also no continuity errors that I could see which is a credit to both competitors. Story-wise you both had a decent amount of combat/action in your posts, though Kooki tended to be a little more dialogue heavy in hers. I would have liked to see more of the venue from both of you, though you did both work in an audience of NPCs (with mixed results). Riku's opening post was the strongest from use of the venue standpoint then you both left it alone save some NPCs. Don't be afraid to change up the location a little, move the fight to another part of the street, stumble into a shop, something to make the environment feel more dynamic to the reader.

Realism was a little bit of a stumbling block for both of you. Kooki understated Riku's skills and Riku overstated his own powers. Make sure to read your opponent's CS carefully when drafting a post. Also make sure to avoid having your post be too one-sided. ACC is all about back and forth between the combatants, even within a single post. Don't shy away from having your opponent get a few good hits/moves in. It increases the dramatic tension and leads to higher story scores overall. I know some people are uncomfortable doing too much for their opponent if they come from a run-on or roleplay background but it takes some getting used to.

I hope you both take the comments I've written here and use them to tighten up your ACC game. You both have strong potential and I look forward to seeing more of your matches.

Ultimately this match was decided by story.

Riku Keibatsu is the winner.

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Riku Amahara , Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Winner Savant Riku Amahara
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Riku Amahara 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 2 December, 2016 5:44 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You had more errors than Kooki but nothing that detracted from reading. Rationale: You had a few minor mistakes and repeated words. Nothing that detracted from overall reading.
Story - 40%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Your story was very average, you did everything you needed to do, and there was a solid amount of action. As a reader, however, I was left with too many questions. You could have used just a little more exposition to give a more solid motivation for Riku. Also, I know your writing space was limited with the word count but you could have used the venue more than you did. See my individual comments for the unanswered questions. Rationale: Your story started at average but then you had some major detractors which lost you a point. See my comments to the individual posts but what hurt you the most was the deus ex machina of the medic and a lack of dramatic tension in your ending. Remember that in the ACC the best fights are ones that seem close, you have to really make the audience believe your opponent could win. Just having one character beat up on the other for an entire post is boring to read.
Realism - 25%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You had some major realism detractors. See my comments to the individual posts but the mass mind trick and Kooki not noticing her fingers cut off were the two big ones. Rationale: Your realism sin was severally understating your opponent. I didn't make a comment in your ending but the same issue applied. You didn't misuse a power per se, but you could have applied your opponent's CS better, especially when it came to saber combat.
Continuity - 20%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No continuity issues that I could see. Rationale: No continuity issues that I could see.
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.55 Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Score: 3.4
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical 'rule' of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangars have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocket book is. The 'streets' are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from it's heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the 'streets' are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as 'off hours'. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

With tensions running high, Chute Town was far more volatile than it would have been otherwise. Several of the gangs had been stepping outside their territory of late. As yet there had been no outright acts of aggression, though the perceived slights had been steadily mounting for weeks. The cracks in the dam were beginning to show. The crew of the Godless Matron just needed to apply pressure to the right place at the right time to trigger an outright gang war.

To that end, a bounty was put in place. The premise was simple enough. The Herald would grant a measure of clemency to whomsoever cashed in the ID tokens that had been planted on several individuals at random. Such a prize was without measure for not just the gangs of Chute Town, but the denizens themselves.

Riku’s hand slipped down the hilt of his saber, the grip elongated and he rose it in a sweeping arc before him. The blaster bolt ricocheted and struck the second would be attacker in the arm forcing him to yelp in pain and drop his shot wide. “Well that’s no good, even my mother could have done better than that, and she’s a damn cloning machine!” The savant jeered at the wounded man. Who in turn drew his knife in anger and charged the saber wielding Nihilgenia. The charge was short lived as Riku once more adjusted his grip on the hilt and lunged skewing the thug through the neck.

“You piece of filth!” Roared the first man and his blaster echoed once more in the dimly lit alley. His target had already moved, however, skirting along the alleys wall, drawing upon the Force to hasten his steps and arriving before the thug had a chance to draw a bead. “What the? That’s not fair!” The shocked expression never left his face as the swordsman flicked his wrist up, almost lazily, and severed the head from the shoulders.

“I don’t waste my time being fair. Filth like you damages order. Order needs to be maintained, and thus I will hunt down all those that are unable to carry out those basic tasks,” levitating the severed head before him he stared into its hollow eyes as he finished his monologue. “Even if I have to become something I never wished to be. I shall maintain order.”

The head dropped and Riku knelt down next to the body, placing his now deactivated saber back inside his coat. Rummaging through the man's belongings the savant finally found what he was looking for and he unclipped the ID tag, placed it in his coat's inner pocket for safe keeping and rose turning away from the bodies, backtracking his earlier steps and moved out into Murder alley. The brighter lights washed over him and he had to blink several times as pain lanced into his good eye. As he thought back against the illumination he rose a hand and ran it over the bandaged that snaked around the left side of his face, covering the wound inflicted by his last opponent.

Once sufficiently recovered the Umbaran clone pushed forward, checked his datapad for the next targets name and moved towards one of the open weapons stores. The shopkeeper looked up as he approached, took in the grim expression of the savant and rested his hand on the butt of the pistol at his side. Riku gestured towards him. “You won’t need that.”

“You’re right my friend, I won’t need this,” his hand moved away from the pistol. “Now what can old Geex do for you today?”

Riku gestured at the datapad. “I need to find this man, one Sarlan Harack. Do you know where I can find him?”

The shopkeeper shook his head sadly. “No sir, like I told the woman. I know of him, hell half of us do, but I don’t know where to find him.”

“Woman?”

Geex pointed towards a figure disappearing through the crowd. Riku could just make out what appeared to be purple robes before it vanished. He nodded his thanks to the shopkeeper and moved on. Trailing the woman for few minutes before accidentally bumping into her at the next junction.

“Ouch, watch where you’re going you idiot,” the woman scowled. Taking in Riku’s appearance and running her eyes over the insignia's on his attire she instantly took a step back. “Of all the luck, you must be my opponent.”

“Riku Amahara, yes. You are?” The clone responded. He was amused, if only for a few seconds.

“What does it matter who I am? If you need to know its Kooki, Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj of Clan Taldryan,” she had to take a step back as Riku’s saber was once more drawn and ignited inches away from her face. “What the hell?”

“Mimosa-Inahj?” The clone spat on the ground. A crowd had begun to gather around them whilst keeping a respectable and safe distance. Riku ran his hand once more over the bandages on his face. He performed the Makashi salute and stared at her.“Well, I guess my hunt is momentarily off. A much bigger prize stands before me. I hope your husband enjoys what’s left of your body,”

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 3 December, 2016 6:31 PM UTC

Syntax

Riku’s hand slipped down the hilt of his saber, the grip elongated and he rose it in a sweeping arc before him.

The comma after saber should be a semicolon.

Rummaging through the man's belongings the savant finally

There should be a comma after belongings.

As he thought back against the illumination he rose a hand

You need a comma after illumination.

Story

I like the way you started this post right in the middle of some action. It was a good hook to grab the reader's attention and set up Riku's motivation in this particular encounter. You introduced your opponent and set them up as a rival for the same prize. Overall, a solid opening post and excellent use of the 750 words you were allotted. I know the word cap can be a challenge at times and you rose to the occasion in this post.

My main story quibble is that the identification piece seemed forced.

“What does it matter who I am? If you need to know its Kooki, Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj of Clan Taldryan,”

Why would Kooki give her name and Clan affiliation out so flippantly? I didn't count it as a realism detractor because it didn't contradict her character sheet per se but you should make note that Kooki has +4 Subterfuge and +3 Manipulation. Where this did hurt you is in story, albeit in a very minor way. It was a "meh" moment in an otherwise solid post.

It hadn’t been very long since Kooki had been fleeing from the Iron Legion, and saving her family after battling with betrayal and barely anyone believing her story when she tried to be heroic and save multiple people. Inside, loads of anxieties and uncertainties blended with the feeling that she was to blame for the injuries or death of several people. If only she had done more to be believed…

Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj had buried herself into caring for and fussing about her family manically and was rather relieved to have received a new task. Her spouse was quietly relieved also since Kooki’s erratic behaviour was causing him to be slightly concerned.

Being aboard the Godless Matron alongside Andrelious had seemed to be pointless and a waste of Kooki’s time and resources, but a change of scene was always good for clearing her head. Hopefully her newly assigned mission would keep her occupied and help her seek revenge on those who betrayed her Clan, and had attempted to seduce her with their dark and mysterious plans, in exchange for unguaranteed ‘protection’. Having just come face-to-face with her apparent ‘opponent’ was a rather unfriendly welcome, especially since their first few words exchanged were lacking in pleasantries.

Kooki looked up slightly and had noticed the crowd gathering around herself and the lightsaber-toting clone opposite her. She was not one to refuse a challenge, and she too hastily ignited her lightsaber in her right hand. The suddenness of her actions caused Riku to take a couple of steps backwards. He had secretly hoped Kooki hadn’t spotted his retreating ‘dance,’ but the Alderaanian Sith was very astute.

“Backing off already are we, Amahara? She teased.

“No chance!” the Savant retorted, as he swung his left wrist and lunged his saber forwards.

He had envisioned that his left handedness would contrast Kooki’s dominant right hand.

However, Kooki’s strong wits and secret move proved quite the contrary. The female threw her hilt out of her right hand, caught it confidently in her left and coolly blocked her opponent’s attack.

Kooki smashed her blade towards Riku’s shoulder with great force, yet he managed to raise his blade to meet hers just inches from his upper arm. His white blade moved swiftly once again, but this time he aimed at Kooki’s exposed thigh.

Slightly slower, the feisty mother managed to defend her lower limb from imminent pain. Riku was proving rather challenging and tough to duel with. All she could do was to continue and battle on to the best of her ability. Despite having already aimed for the top half of the Sadowan previously, Kooki did so again. Her purple blade managed to arrive at the opposite shoulder faster than the defence, causing Riku to howl out in pain. His enemy’s amethyst saber had penetrated through his robes and caused a puncture in his shoulder. The wound wasn’t very deep, but quite unexpected and painful.

The sudden burst of agony had caused Riku to drop his saber to the ground, as he grasped his wound. Upon noticing his error of judgement, he instantaneously collapsed to the ground to retrieve his weapon. Kooki remembered back to a previous spar she had had with Turel Sorenn, when she had conducted a rather brutal attack on him and broken his fingers by callously standing on them. History was about to repeat itself, and she stood armed with her lightsaber in her right hand and prepared to lift her steel-toe cap boot.

Riku stared up at Kooki and saw the venomous look in her eyes, and spotted her foot starting to lift.

“What kind of mother could be so cold-blooded?” he uttered, slightly helplessly.

“What if someone got revenge on you for harming them and instead of hurting you, hurt your children? Not everyone is as forgiving…” Riku mused.

All colour drained from Kooki’s face…

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 3 December, 2016 7:20 PM UTC

Story

Your opponent ended the previous post with Kooki having a saber in her face. That's a bit of a cliffhanger. You back tracked and spent 170 words providing background before you even mention your opponent or the current situation. Posts should flow from one to another and what you did was rather jarring to the reader. I'm not saying you shouldn't have put that background information in there but there were other ways of going about it. I know that when you have second post you want to put your own spin on the story and explain why your character is there, but you have to bridge the gap between the first post and your post. When your opponent ends on action or a cliffhanger you want to immediately continue what is going on and resolve the action or at least create a natural break before inserting your own exposition.


Once you got the action started the post really picked up. The combat descriptions were done well and I thought the way you ended the post was creative even if I had some realism reservations on how you got Riku helplessly on the ground. I feel like you missed an opportunity to show Riku using a mind power like mind trick or terror to bolster the impact of his final words in the post.

Realism

Her purple blade managed to arrive at the opposite shoulder faster than the defence, causing Riku to howl out in pain.

Riku has +4 in Makashi and athletics, it is rather unlikely that Kooki with +4 in the defensive Soresu form and only +2 Athletics would be fast enough to slip by Riku's defense absent some other circumstances. You acknowledge Riku is a tough opponent earlier in the paragraph which mitigates this somewhat but it is still enough to count as a minor realism detractor. I'm not saying Kooki couldn't have scored a hit on Riku but you needed to show how, either through the environment or Kooki's actions, that she was able to penetrate the defense of a noticeably more agile opponent using a dueling focused form. As written now it's basically "He was tough, but then she managed to hit him."

That moment was all he needed. He rose, aided by the Force, silently and swiftly from the floor. As he did so his saber rose with him and clipped the sith across the hand that held her saber. As he made it back to his feet he took a little leap back and raised his right hand up and behind for balance, groaning in pain as he did so. Pain echoed in his shoulder from her lucky strike and he rolled the shoulder to get a feel for it.

“Children make such easy targets. Though I suppose with that hand you’re going to have trouble holding them, let alone protecting them,” a cruel smile slipped across his face and for the first time Kooki dragged herself free from the terror induced moment she found herself in. Her gaze followed the clones and for the first time she saw, with some horror, two fingers of her left hand rested upon the ground. Her deactivated saber lying alongside them. “Seems you’ve dropped something. I’ll give you a minute.”

“You...you...” The battlemaster held out her right hand and using the Force brought her saber to her hand, activating it. “If you touch my children I’ll kill you,” she lunged. Her anger consuming her actions. As the blade came close Riku had already raised his saber, backstepped and knocked the blade to the side. An overhead blow came in aimed at the Nihilgenia’s head. He sidestepped, she overshot the target and felt his hands push her from behind.

“Your children should be ashamed of you,” he lunged at her exposed back but she turned almost effortlessly knocking his lunge to the side. Riku grinned and turned another lunge into a downwards slice aimed towards her knees. She blocked, as he half expected and he gingerly jumped back from her catching his injured shoulder on a piece of overhanging durasteel. Fighting back a tear the Umbaran groaned in pain and seeing this as an opportunity the human lunged the Nihilgenia’s head.

Something sizzled and the smell of burnt hair drifted into Riku’s nose. He turned to his shoulder and sighed, wiping the burned strands from it. Kooki turned to him, looking less feral than she had done before.

“Ashamed?” She spat. “The only one that should be ashamed is you. Using a mother's children against her!” She wheeled on him, saber at her side. “What would your mother say? Oh, I forgot you don’t have a mother. You’re not even real!” She pointed, or at least attempted to as she pointed with her left hand.

“I...I...” Riku attempted to find words to come back with but nothing came to mind. “So?”

She laughed. It was a pleasant laugh and Riku felt something inside him begin to shrink back under the noise of it. “So? So? Is that all you can do? You’re pathetic. You’re…” Her gut told her to move and so she did, just. Heat grazed her cheek and she turned her head to the side and realized if she hadn’t moved she would have been skewered by the amplified lunge of the Nihilgenia. She needed to bring her saber up almost vertically to block the Nihilgenia from beheading her before she leaped back putting some distance between her and the dark Jedi. “Oh, this is getting interesting. Since you seem so fixated on children, part of me wonders,” a smile twisted across her lips. “Can your kind even have children or you know,” she indicated, crudely. “Down there?”

The crowd still gathered around them. “Do you ever stop talking? You only got that lucky shot in early because you're exposing yourself dressed like that.” Riku motioned to her corset. “I’m bored. Perhaps we should allow these fine folks in on all the fun? Kill her!”

He wasn’t directing this last comment at her but at the crowd around them. His hand motioned casually. Their minds molested through the Force the crowd looked from him to her and at first one stepped forward, then another until finally half of them towards the Battlemaster in a torrent of bodies.

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 3 December, 2016 8:07 PM UTC

Syntax

As he did so his saber rose with him

Comma after so. You made the mistake of not placing the comma after the introductory clause multiple times in this post.

Story

You had some strong action in this post and outstanding dialogue. As a reader I got invested in the conflict quickly and could feel the character's separate emotions. Realism issues aside, I thought the way you ended this post was strong.

Something sizzled and the smell of burnt hair drifted into Riku’s nose. He turned to his shoulder and sighed, wiping the burned strands from it. Kooki turned to him, looking less feral than she had done before.

What exactly is going on in this passage? You had some word space left of your 750, you needed to describe this particular bit of action a little clearer. Is Kooki hovering her saber over Riku's head? You're showing, not telling here which is good, you just need to show a little more to paint a clearer picture.

“What would your mother say? Oh, I forgot you don’t have a mother. You’re not even real!”

How does Kooki even know that? This didn't affect your score at all but as a reader I was left with that question.

Realism

Kooki dragged herself free from the terror induced moment she found herself in. Her gaze followed the clones and for the first time she saw, with some horror, two fingers of her left hand rested upon the ground.

I'm pretty sure having your fingers cut off would snap you out of whatever daydream you were in. She wouldn't have to drag herself out of the moment, she would have been yanked out by the searing pain.

He wasn’t directing this last comment at her but at the crowd around them. His hand motioned casually. Their minds molested through the Force the crowd looked from him to her and at first one stepped forward, then another until finally half of them towards the Battlemaster in a torrent of bodies.

So there are a few things wrong with this passage. Yes, Riku has +4 mind trick and yes, he also has the moving the masses feat. However, even with all that what you wrote here is stretching it too far. First of all this crowd has just been watching Kooki wield a lightsaber fairly proficiently. So Riku's command would be one to attack someone wielding a deadly weapon. This presents the first obstacle to mind trick, namely the crowd's survival instinct. Mind trick can make someone act against their own self interest, but going against their survival instinct requires powerful persuasion. You did not depict the crowd as using weapons of any kind so they are attacking someone wielding a deadly weapon while unarmed themselves. That's going to require even stronger persuasion. Looking at the moving the masses feat itself, it states that for each additional target it requires additional concentration and will unravel quicker. You didn't specify how people were in the crowd but "torrent of bodies" suggests a lot. Riku would have a hard enough time mind tricking one person to take on this kind of attack, let alone an entire crowd. You also didn't show Riku having to concentrate or otherwise strain himself doing it.

Kooki clasped her right hand round her lightsaber, whilst attempting to ignore the pain of her wounded left hand. Her severed fingers now lay amongst dust and several pairs of unknown feet. The feisty female lunged her weapon into chests and watched strangers fall at her feet to certain death. They all seemed to be under the hypnosis of Riku, who was stood spectating with a rather smug expression plastered across his face. Emotions were running high.

The crowd had reduced by about a third and those at the front were starting to shake their heads from side to side. The Savant’s mind trick seemed to be wearing off. As they began realising what was happening, the gathering of people hastily dispersed in all directions in pure fear that they would be Kooki’s next victims. The pile of deceased corpses seemed to be of little interest to the Alderaanian.

“Wait come back! Are you just going to let this evil tyrant of a woman kill your friends in cold blood?” pleaded Riku.

“Go fetch your sharpest tools. Let’s bring her down!” he yelled at the top of his voice, whilst chasing some of them down a nearby street.

Once the last of the crowd appeared to have left the scene, Kooki scrabbled about on the floor in a vain attempt to locate her missing fingers.

An unknown hand reached out and offered Kooki her wounded fingers.

Kooki looked up and spotted a female dressed in familiar clothing.

She nodded.

The female was clearly a medic of some sort.

“You’re a medic? You can help me?” Kooki queried, in a panicky tone.

“Sadly I haven’t time to administer treatment, but if you go to the medcentre they could…” the medic began to explain.

“Surely you must carry some medication of some sort?” The Alderaanian begged.

The medic nodded.

“I do…but I can’t…” she explained.

Kooki heard footsteps approaching from the distance.

She waved her hand slightly and within seconds the medic robotically handed Kooki a syringe with a blue liquid inside. The Sith hastily pocketed it.

“Be gone!” Kooki ordered the medic away.

“And thanks!” she whispered.

The medic fled in the opposite direction and Kooki stared down at her fingers in the palm of their former hand.

“Well at least it’s not your feet…or your head…or your girls!” teased the Umbaran.

Kooki felt a pang of fear enter her body and could almost see her girls being harmed.

Unsurprisingly this greatly enraged the protective mother.

“Fingers or no fingers… feet or no feet… I would protect MY children with every last fibre of my body!” she boomed.

“Besides how can a clone like you possibly feel any sort of compassion…or anything? YOUR ‘mother’ is just a machine!” Kooki hissed.

“Using old lines on me are we, Miss Mimosa? How original! Looks like you’re cloning your own words!” Riku sneered.

“Enough of this!” Kooki roared, as she forcefully swept her saber under her enemy’s chin.

Despite the blade not actually contacting the skin, the warmth of it brushed Riku’s jaw bone, causing him to shudder. He defended his torso with his white-bladed weapon in front of him.

Kooki ceased this opportunity and quickly moved her lightsaber upwards and her amethyst blade sliced through Riku’s ear adjacent to his patterned tattoo in one clean sweep.

A loud piercing scream filled the air.

“You bitch!” the Sadowan screeched.

“This isn’t over! You can’t protect those girls of yours every second, you know? Just you wait!” he mused.

“What?!” asked Kooki, a slight cheek in her tone.

“I can’t quite hear you?!” she continued.

She was now the one to look smug, as her opponent was now scrabbling about on the ground trying to locate his ear.

Kooki disengaged her lightsaber and started walking away.

Out the corner of his eye, Riku spotted Kooki escaping.

“I SAID, THIS ISN’T OVER!” he yelled, whilst grabbing his torn ear and rising to his feet.

The angered male carried his hilt and ran towards Kooki.

The female turned coolly towards Riku’s sudden arrival and calmly injected him with the blue syringe, unsure what it was or what it would do.

“Oh I think it is,” teased Kooki.

Riku fell to the ground, his leg starting to tingle.

“This…isn’t…over!” he whispered.

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 3 December, 2016 8:36 PM UTC

Syntax

“Oh I think it is,” teased Kooki.

"Oh, I think it is," teased Kooki.

Story

This post was very dialogue heavy which was a double-edge sword for you. The dialogue itself was good but the post felt like an ending post instead of a middle post. The fight has one more post to go and you sort of ended the action prematurely.

The whole medic thing was a Deus ex machina that hurt the drama of your post. You compound the error by injecting Riku with it which made no sense from an in-character perspective. Why would Kooki waste the medicine she just begged for if she didn't even know what it was?

Realism

“You bitch!” the Sadowan screeched.

I didn't take off any points for this, but generally avoid real world profanity in Star Wars writing.

The Savant lay upon the ground, the wretched woman leering over at him before turning her back and walked away. He lay quite still as his leg tingled. The sensation spread up his body to his wounded shoulder, then just as quickly in the area that had formerly been his ear. The sensation began to fade and as it did the pain followed. In fact, he felt next to nothing in those areas, the agony had almost dissipated to be replaced by a slow constant reminder that he was wounded.

Did the stupid woman inject me with a painkiller? The thought entered his mind at the same time he gingerly poked the wounds. Nothing. They were still there that was for sure but nothing happened, no intense shock. No searing agony, nothing.

He turned his head and stared. Kooki had perched herself some distance away and was watching, a wicked grin on her lips; almost as if she was savoring the potential pain he was supposed to be in. Riku squirmed for effect and her smile appeared to widen. He sneered internally, noticing that whatever chaos had been brought upon the people before hadn’t done anything to change the atmosphere of the streets. People simply walked around him, ignoring his wiggling body and the woman who watched. This to them was probably a normal routine and he used it.

Waiting until the next group of inhabitants walked around him he felt out through the Force, pushing himself to his feet. He almost flowed as he scurried along towards the woman, dodging the walkers as they made their way down the street and using them as cover as he moved. The Sith had clearly noticed something was amiss as a break in the crowd opened and Riku was nowhere to be seen. She rose, turned and raised her saber to block the near lethal blow.

“You!” She spat through gritted teeth. “You’re supposed to be suffering!”

“Perhaps you should avoid injecting your opponents with pain medication, you stupid woman,” the clone spat back. He attempted to gain the upper hand but for her size, she was stronger and began to gain leverage in the saber lock. Grinning stupidly she pushed and Riku let her, twisting to the side he allowed her to stumble forward. The Nihilgenia struck twice with near pinpoint accuracy. Skewering first her right shoulder and then her right knee before watching her slump downwards to her knees.

The clone took a hard breath and moved to the side of the woman, she attempted to swing her saber up but it was easy enough for the Makashi user to block her pathetic blow. She winced as the pain began to replace the adrenaline pumping through her system and cried out in pain as Riku’s leg swung up and delivered a kick to the side of her head. A satisfying crunch met the clone’s ears and he could but assume the woman's jaw had broken, or at least been dislocated, much to his enjoyment. “That’ll shut you up at least,” he smirked.

Turning his head from left to right, the clone took in the area then saw what he was looking for. Reaching out his hand he beckoned and a small syringe, with the traces of blue liquid rose from the ground and moved over to the pair, hovering just before them. He stared at it, disgusted and a shiver ran down his body at the same time his breathing intensified.

“Seems I have very little time left, I owe your husband something. But I'm not going to be as gentle,” he reached out, took the needle from in front of him, grabbed the woman's hair and tugged her head back. Part of him genuinely felt sorry her before bringing the syringe around and without much grace drove it deep into the woman's eye. “An eye for an eye. A stupid saying but I guess in this instance it works. I apologize again, you just happen to be married to the wrong man.”

Letting go of her hair as her bucking and squirming intensified, Riku turned his back and walked off. Allowing her to slump without the pleasure of him watching, he moved off into the streets, the crowds converging once more and swallowed him up.

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 3 December, 2016 9:20 PM UTC

Syntax

In fact, he felt next to nothing in those areas, the agony had almost dissipated to be replaced by a slow constant reminder that he was wounded.

This is a comma splice. The comma after areas should be a semicolon or other conjunction.

Story

“Perhaps you should avoid injecting your opponents with pain medication, you stupid woman,” the clone spat back.

I actually laughed audibly while reading this.

“An eye for an eye. A stupid saying but I guess in this instance it works. I apologize again, you just happen to be married to the wrong man.”

You probably could have given the reader a little more context to this quote.


Overall your ending did everything an ending is supposed to do: you resolved the conflict, had a clear winner and had plenty of action. Your graphic descriptions of Riku maiming Kooki at the end were well done and not too over the top. I would have liked more of a reaction from the people nearby in your final description (which you had word space to do) as well as some more context for why Riku hates the Inahj family. Assume the reader has no knowledge of your previous matches.

Kooki continued walking away from the scene, heading for a medcentre, feeling rather pleased with herself and quite smug at her latest victory. However, she couldn’t help feel a bit deflated. For some unknown reason she didn’t feel as victorious. It had been a tough duel and Kooki has lost both patience and fingers in this battle. She didn’t quite get the buzz and adrenaline rush she normally did. So was it really a victory?

Meanwhile, Riku managed to scrabble to his feet and hobble towards his opponent.

Upon hearing the approaching footsteps, the Alderaanian once again spun round, and was rather surprised to see an injured Riku before her. He just never seemed to give up, but this could be the chance she was after. Before she had a chance to open her lips, the Umbaran opposite her began taunting her.

“This numb leg is only temporary, but your loss of fingers will hinder you forever!” he hissed.

Kooki looked down at her left hand at her three remaining fingers. She took some solace in the fact that she still had the finger in which her wedding ring resided on. It softened the emotional blow slightly.

“Well what you use will you be to YOUR family the way you are?” Kooki mused.

Glancing at the injury she had caused on her enemy only a short time ago.

“Oh wait. You can’t hear me… WHAT USE WILL…?” She yelled, loudly.

“I can hear you…loud and clear Miss Mimosa! I still have one ear you know… or did I damage your brain too?” baited Riku.

“Now you DEFINITELY won’t be any use your pathetic little family!” he continued.

Kooki had had enough.

“That’s Mimosa-INAHJ to you!” she fumed.

“Well whatever your name is…” Riku began.

He stretched his leg out, as the tingling sensation was beginning to wear off and shook it lightly. The male went to retrieve his lightsaber hilt from his side, but sadly he was too slow and the annoyed female beside him reached out her steel-toe cap boot and proceeded in firmly kicking him in the back of his kneecap.

This sudden bout of violence caused the Marauder to fall back to his feet in sheer agony. He tried a vain attempt of massaging his latest injury. He was close to conceding to this femme fatale beside him, but was willing to stagger towards her and down one more sweep of his lightsaber towards her torso. Riku rose to his feet, and hiding his pain, he ignited his white-bladed weapon and prepared to lunge.

Kooki jumped out of the way and surprisingly had refused to get out her lightsaber to defend herself. She landed badly onto her ankle and clasped it in her hands.

Riku started to laugh.

“Your age getting the better of you, dear?” he teased coyly.

He disengaged his weapon and bent down beside the older female.

“I told you it wasn’t over!” he mocked.

Kooki looked up and her gaze met Riku’s.

At that sudden moment she released her hands from her ankle and her foe realised she wasn’t as badly injured as she claimed.

Fear filled his body.

With one sharp movement Kooki pushed Riku over. He lost his balance and fell to the ground. It wasn’t a large fall, but enough to be uncomfortable on his spine.

The Taldryanite female stood with her able foot above Riku’s chest. He continued laughing childishly and rose his hands to grab Kooki’s foot to try and take her down.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kooki noticed this sneaky move and applied pressure to Riku’s ribcage causing his lungs to struggle to breathe.

Gasping for breath, the male was almost in tears.

“Now it’s over!” Kooki yelled.

“It’s…o…o…over!” gasped Riku, as Kooki removed her boot off his chest.

The female headed off to find a medcentre to get her fingers checked over. She now felt her sense of satisfaction.

All Riku could do was to roll over on the dusty ground and admit defeat.

“I’ll get her one day,” he promised himself, his voice just a whisper.

“This isn’t over!”

Councillor Turel Sorenn, 3 December, 2016 9:55 PM UTC

Syntax

Meanwhile, Riku managed to scrabble to his feet and hobble towards his opponent.

I think you meant "scramble to his feet."

For some unknown reason she didn’t feel as victorious.

You need a comma after reason.

“Well what you use will you be to YOUR family the way you are?” Kooki mused.

Well is an interjection here and needs a comma after it.

With one sharp movement Kooki pushed Riku over.

You need a comma after the introductory phrase ending with movement.

Story

You resolved the conflict in that there was a clear winner but it was a very unsatisfying ending. You grossly underplayed how dangerous Riku is which severely detracting from the dramatic tension you should have been building for a final confrontation. At no point in this entire post is Riku depicted as a threat to Kooki in this post. I get that he's been drugged, but even with a numb leg his saber skills would not go away.