Captain Blair Augusta Dearg vs. Acolyte Kadrol Hauen

Captain Blair Augusta Dearg

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Kiffar, Loyalist, Director
vs.

Acolyte Kadrol Hauen

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Marauder
Comment

This match comes down to the wire, but has Blair coming out as the winner when the dust settled. While Blair had two hits to Realism, she still demonstrated a stronger command of writing, dictated the direction of the match, and ultimately showed better attention to detail within the narrative. Kadrol, I was actually impressed with your writing, but you need to work on not rushing, making sure you preview your posts before posting, and get a better command of timing/pacing for your storytelling.

Keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing more matches from both of you.

-W

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Captain Blair Augusta Dearg, Acolyte Kadrol Hauen
Winner Captain Blair Augusta Dearg
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Captain Blair Augusta Dearg's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Kadrol Hauen's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 27 November, 2016 4:18 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A few repeated errors that would have probably been easily caught with a proof reader or a second read-over from yourself. There were enough of them to string together and make me have to pause my reading. Try reading your posts out loud to yourself. You will often hear things that sound "off" and be able to catch errors. Rationale: Few glaring errors, and a detractor for the final post not having a final post.
Story - 40%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Be careful with POV switching. Also, while your writing was clear and easy to read, there was little element of drama or a reason for the fight beyond the basic explanation of "we're here so we fight." Rationale: Straight forward match, but with little substance. The time shift hurt you, and the Wampa at the ending, while a good touch, is done so quickly/rushed that it gave little payoff to me as a reader.
Realism - 25%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Two major hits were the whole motif of the blaster overheating (+3 for Kadrol) and the 0 Martial Arts from Blair at the end against Kadrol's +3/+1 in Martial Arts. Rationale: See notes, Blair's perception being ignored as he sneaks up on her.
Continuity - 20%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Remurr Hijaa's Score: 3.4 Research Director Kadrol Hauen's Score: 3.25
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

Blair Augusta Dearg found one of the many ice caves of Hoth illuminated despite the fact that it was underground. That was one less problem she had to deal with, though there was a matter of the Sith that she had been told to expect from The Circle. She hadn't been given much notice and thus hadn't been able to gain a strong enough familiarity with him to have a personalised battle plan for their fight. To the Captain, this was just a training session, though she knew her opponent badly wanted to prove his might, he would know that failing to keep her alive would prove to shorten his life. All she had to do was wait for her practice partner to arrive in the cave and they could begin.

Kadrol hated Hoth; the icy cold planet was about as far from his preferred planet as possible. Maybe he could use that hate to show the Taskmaster his power; he knew his opponent wasn't a force wielder, unusual in the Brotherhood but maybe he could show just how talented he was with weapons that weren't lightsabers. The Zabrak still had his saber with him of course, but an E-11 blaster rifle, a Vibrosword and a Vibrodagger ensured he was well equipped for the battle ahead. Reaching the entrance of the cave, Hauen prepared for the difficult descent. The Acolyte avoided colliding with the cave’s walls and reached the floor unharmed. Now he just had to find his opponent, and he could prove his skill in combat.

Blair remained out of sight for the moment, evaluating the tactical opportunities afforded to her by her surroundings. Once she was comfortable in her knowledge of the environment, she revealed herself to her Sith opponent. He turned to face his compatriot, as breaths were taken the Sith’s could be seen. The Loyalist looked intimidating in her armour, which was painted a mixture of black and dark blue to be optimised for low-light situations, quite the opposite of her current location but there was still a presence it projected. With lightning speed, the Kiffar drew her blaster rifle and aimed it at the roof of the cave, hoping enough force would knock icicles crashing into her opponent's’ skull.

Kadrol had seen it coming and backed away, just to be safe. Deciding he would try and beat her at her own game, he drew the Armoury E-11 rifle he had been given and fired off a 3 round burst, not aiming to finish the contest but to see how his foe coped under pressure. From what little he could see, it hadn't affected Blair in the slightest. Ever persistent, the Marauder kept to the rifle and unleashed a intense series of concentrated bursts from his rifle, hoping the added pressure would phase the Kiffar. Blair remained behind cover; it was getting intense, but if Hauen kept this up his rifle barrage, his weapon would overheat and allow her the time to create a more advantageous situation.

With the blaster fire continuing to fly in her direction, the Director waited patiently for the overheating to occur. Kadrol moved his hand away from his rifle, his prolonged use of the weapon without pause had caused the weapon to overheat. Dearg took the opportunity to retreat further into the cave, forcing her opponent to follow. The cave became more dimly lit the further in she went. She slunk her way deeper stopping when she got to a point where she could barely make out her opponent.. It would make her harder to see since she was in a darkened area and he was still in a comparatively well-illuminated portion of the vast cave. Her armor was now able to work as intended and would result in the Sith being forced to approach her. If he attempted to use his lightsaber as a source of light Blair could fire upon him and either force him to retreat or rush in to close the gap, both situations that favored her.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 3 December, 2016 3:44 PM UTC

Kadrol hated Hoth; the icy cold planet was about as far from his preferred planet as possible.

Be mindful of your transitions. You've now jumped point of views from character to character. It's a bit jarring. You can use a line break, but otherwise just be mindful of how you transition POVs.

wasn't a force wielder,

Always capitalize the Force.

He turned to face his compatriot, as breaths were taken the Sith’s could be seen

Awkward wording here.

the Marauder kept to the rifle and unleashed a intense series of concentrated bursts from his rifle

an intense

rifle rifle. try and vary word usage, it will help create better flow for the reader.

barely make out her opponent..

even if this was a tripple elipses, it wouldn't work.

Kadrol moved his hand away from his rifle, his prolonged use of the weapon without pause had caused the weapon to overheat.

Realism: Kadrol is Always Preppared and a Duelist. He has +3 in Blasters, so I think he would know how NOT to overheat his Blaster in this situation.

Crap. Kadrol thought as the Captain retreated into the cave. He took cover behind a pillar of ice. He buried his E-11 under the snow to help the blaster cool. The snow, which melted almost instantly was now a puddle. It would freeze soon, so Kadrol wrapped it in his robes as if it was a small child. Throwing it back over his shoulder using the strap, Kadrol began to think. After a while, the Captain was still hiding in the cavern, and Kadrol knew his options. He could charge in, he could stay put, or try to stealthily make his way around to backstab his opponent, and in more ways than one, as both combatants were in Plageius. Luckily, as a Zabrak, Kadrol had the eyesight of a cat. He snuck into the cave, his dark clothes providing extra camouflage. He found himself crouching behind a large piece of snow-covered ice, and slipped his vibrodagger out of his boot. It had been several minutes since the Sith Acolyte had begun his descent into the cave of crystalline water, and Captain Blair must’ve been focusing hard, as she had yet to realize Kadrol was not behind his previous cover near the outskirts of the ice wall. She was crouched down in a sniper position, obviously waiting for Kadrol to expose himself.
As silently as humanly, well Zabrakly, possible, Kadrol unsheathed both of his vibroweapons: the sword in his right, and his dagger in the other. Kadrol was behind the Kiffar now, and although he was a Sith, he still believed in honor, and with that he shouted menacingly at the top of his voice: “And now, you shall die!” Kadrol knew that shouting would not completely give away his position, yet alert the Captain. Blair snapped her head around and got to her feet. As she walked closer and closer to the place Kadrol was hiding, the Zabrak sheathed his sword, and attempted to slow his breath. To his relief, she walked right past him; and he intended to take advantage of that. The Zabrak walked right behind Blair and used the arch of his right foot to force the Captain to her knees. She tried to turn around and shoot him, but Kadrol used an arm bar to force her to drop her blaster. He unhitched his saber, and thrust it through the blaster. Realizing he had exposed himself, the Zabrak ran out of the cave. Blair smirked as her opponent ran, for in her hands she held a long strip of black leather: And the leather was attached to Kadrol’s E-11 blaster.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 3 December, 2016 3:57 PM UTC

He could charge in, he could stay put, or try to stealthily make his way around to backstab his opponent, and in more ways than one, as both combatants were in Plageius.

This quickly becomes a tangent of a sentence. Breaking it into two sentences will help a reader with the flow of action.

As silently as humanly, well Zabrakly, possible, Kadrol unsheathed both of his vibroweapons: the sword in his right, and his dagger in the other.

So I actually really liked the first part of this. It was amusing and made me smirk.

You need a line break between paragraphs, though for formatting purposes and to make it easier for the reader.

and attempted to slow his breath.

breathing

The Zabrak walked right behind Blair and used the arch of his right foot to force the Captain to her knees

Blair's perception is +3, and Kadrol isn't exactly listed as being a stealth master with any of his Aspects. Minor ding here.

I like the ending though with her taking his blaster.

Pain racked the Captain's left arm, and her precious rifle was now unusable for at least the rest of this fight, but the E-11 wasn't the worst back-up. Given the fact that it was the weapon her father used during her childhood she was quite familiar with it. As the Zabrak fled after his surprise assault, he was swiftly followed by a volley of blaster bolts, all tightly grouped and narrowly missing their mark. Frustrated that she had allowed her opponent to get by her defences, she needed the plan to counter his use of the Force. Lightning wasn't effective at the range between them. He could attempt to close the gap once more, but that would leave him open to attack, and since the defence wasn't his strong suit, it wouldn't benefit him to do so.

Kadrol was seething with the fact that one of his weapons was taken from him, though if he had got to within melee distance before, surely he could do it again. The only question would be how he couldn't just charge head on; he would be unprotected for too long. If only he could make himself quicker somehow. That was it the Zabrak thought, augment his speed to close the distance quicker and then take advantage of the lack of preparedness of his foe to beat her. All he had to do was seize the moment, yet that would prove difficult, Blair was much more understanding of how the weapon she had stolen worked when it comes to overheating. She would fire a few bursts then drop it into the snow for a second or two to keep the weapon cool. As a result, she wouldn't have much of a break in her onslaught.

Blair knew that the Sith would be looking to close the gap between them, it as the obvious thing to do, all she had to do was counteract that and ensure a healthy distance remain among them. As long as she could control that, the Kiffar would be in control of the fight and ultimately, the result. Making sure to keep her fire as close to the Zabrak as possible to restrict any opportunities for movement. Her plan was working, the gap was maintained and Hauen unable to move through the sea of bolts flying through the air towards him. Pinned down behind cover, the Zabrak was wondering how long it would last as it seemed to be capable of going on forever.

Sensing an opportunity was soon to be at hand, Kadrol prepared to make his move. It was a little too all or nothing for his liking, but he was seemingly out of options. He had never felt quite so alive; the danger was clear, but the potential reward was surely worth it. Noticing a longer than usual gap in the fire, he took the opportunity to emerge from cover. Kadrol moved with unnatural speed, closing the gap by a few meters, the extra speed proved useful when he heard an explosion go off behind him. Blair had thrown a grenade at the spot where he had been and was waiting for it to explode. Her plan is foiled, now was the chance to defeat her.

Blair couldn't focus on the failure of her grenade to end the contest for anything longer than a brief moment. Her opponent was too close for comfort; the soldier began to fire once more, hoping to re-establish the gap that had proved so unproductive for the Sith before. To her surprise, some of her shots were being blocked, almost as if the Acolyte possessed some unnatural ability to see her bolts before they came. Maybe taking his eyesight away would help the gap reform, Blair dropped a smoke bomb, on a five-second timer. The smoke filled the area immediately surrounding the Zabrak and allowed Blair to scurry swiftly away from her opposition. Kadrol’s figure emerged from the smoke with speed, having decided that to stand in smoke was no way to finish the fight. His boots had given him the grip necessary not to end up face first on the floor.

Advancing with intent, the Sith moved to deliver a killing blow. Having seen this, the Loyalist jumped forwards and kicked the Zabrak hard on his left knee. The impact was enough to send Hauen’s lightsaber out of his hand and into the snow, as well as dropping him to a knee. Blair fought the pain; she couldn't afford to let it stop her from winning. She took the rifle and smashed it, with as much strength as she could, into the face of her foe. He fell to the ground, allowing Blair, who had maintained control of the rifle, to move out of the way of the falling body and press the barrel into the back of her opponent’s neck. The Zabrak was in no mood to fight, he had been bested, but he would one day be strong enough to avenge his loss.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 3 December, 2016 4:14 PM UTC

Again, watch your POV shift after the first paragraph.

That was it the Zabrak thought, augment his speed to close the distance quicker and then take advantage of the lack of preparedness of his foe to beat her.

This would need to be broken up and formatted differently to read better. "That was it, the Zabrak thought. He could augment his speed..."

Blair was much more understanding of how the weapon she had stolen worked when it comes to overheating.

Blair is +3 in Blasters just the same way as Kardol is.

came to overheating*

Blair knew that the Sith would be looking to close the gap between them, it as the obvious thing to do, all she had to do was counteract that and ensure a healthy distance remain among them.

it was*

Making sure to keep her fire as close to the Zabrak as possible to restrict any opportunities for movement.

Fragment sentence.

Her plan is foiled, now was the chance to defeat her.

was foiled*

Having seen this, the Loyalist jumped forwards and kicked the Zabrak hard on his left knee. The impact was enough to send Hauen’s lightsaber out of his hand and into the snow, as well as dropping him to a knee

Blair has 0 points in Martial Arts. Kadrol has +3 in Primary and +1 in secondary. Combined with other Combat Stats, it seems odd that she'd out manuver him in hand-to-hand combat. If Blair had used her blaster as a bludgeon (Pistol Cuffs) that could be something, but in this case, Realism ding.

  Kadrol ran and ran, and as he ran, he kept thinking over and over; *Why hadn't I killed her. It would prove myself as a Sith.* He stopped abruptly at the mouth of the cave, and with a pivot of his right foot, disappeared behind a pillar of ice. The only excuse he could come up with was the fact they were in the same clan. As he caught his breath, he reached for his blaster, only to find out it wasn't there. He had time. 
     The Captain was still stunned. As she slowly got to her feet, Kadrol closed his eyes and stuck out his arm, with his palm facing out in a gesture that would usually say stop. After a couple seconds the front of the cave started breaking off like a melting iceberg. Blair noticed the pile of ice boulders starting to pile and took off sprinting. Kadrol continued, and by the time Blair reached the exit, it had just been sealed. 
   The Sith had won. If Blair tried to blast her way out, the gun would either overheat or cause an even bigger cave in; If she stayed, she would freeze to her death. Somehow, the ice was clear as crystal. As night drew closer and the sun started to set, the boulders froze into a solid sheet. It had been almost three hours now when he saw a shivering Kiffar start to try to blast her way out. Blair’s anger grew as the gun overheated, and as a result threw it down in rage.
   The Zabrak suddenly had an awkward feeling in his stomach: a feeling he hadn't ever felt before. This new feeling compelled him towards the sheet of ice. Igniting his saber, the Sith began to cut through the ice. The effort he had to put in was amazing. The ice must’ve been three feet thick! The distraught soldier wiped away her frozen tear when see saw this act. As the red blade finished its slice almost two minutes later, Kadrol deactivated his saber. The weakened Captain collapsed into his arms as Kadrol stepped in to help. A loud roar suddenly echoed through the cave: a Wampa! Kadrol used his holocom to contact his master, Brimstone. 
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” The master said to his apprentice.
 As the Wampa came into sight, a ship landed about one hundred yards away. “Thank god.” Kadrol muttered.
He helped the Captain to the ship, but not before he grabbed his blaster. The Wampa was closing in on them, but as they boarded the ramp to the shuttle, the Zabrak shot his damaged blaster, sending a blast of red light into the snow monster’s chest. However, because the blaster was damaged, it shot Kadrol flying back into the opposite wall of the Shuttle. Both of the duelists rested as they made their way back to the Stygian Caldera in the shuttle.
Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 3 December, 2016 4:19 PM UTC

Kadrol ran and ran, and as he ran, he kept thinking over and over; Why hadn't I killed her. It would prove myself as a Sith.

improper use of semicolon.

It had been almost three hours now when he saw a shivering Kiffar start to try to blast her way out. Blair’s anger grew as the gun overheated, and as a result threw it down in rage.

Time is rough in ACC matches, but this time-phase is done very haphazardly. I'd either avoid time jumps like this, or try and use a line break to organically break up events.