Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Privateer Vadin Cal

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Privateer Vadin Cal

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Gand, Mercenary, Hunter, Sentinel
Comment

Well, this was an interesting conflict. Battle of the Fathers, one might say.

I delved into things fairly deeply in the comments, so I will be brief in this section. You both met on even footing, in terms of the story presented and the concepts on display. However, there was a death by a thousand cuts in different ways for you both.

The biggest thing to remember for the story is that these aren't isolated. There is a before and after for what is going on here. That should show in the writing in terms of motivations, but also when considering the conclusion. The story doesn't fade to black with unconsciousness, nor does it cease to exist outside of the single scenario.

Incorporating the motivations, and more importantly, the venue into your story as organically as possible is the key to gripping your reader. It hooks them and throws them into the world you are trying to make them see. Don't blind the reader to the sights that could be found.

There were many times where the full judging staff came into play to verify and ensure a fair judgement. With that came the scores as tabulated here, and the winner must be declared. The victor of this match is Privateer Vadin Cal.

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Privateer Vadin Cal
Winner Privateer Vadin Cal
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Privateer Vadin Cal's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 2 December, 2016 9:39 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Minor issues. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Multiple issues that get repeated. Refer to the comments.
Story - 40%
Deleted Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: From a story perspective, there wasn't much pull there for a reader. The biggest point that hurt you was the sense that this match happened within a void, as far as venue is concerned. There was no sense of space, and the prompt was ignored entirely. This was compounded by your ending. Rationale: You tried to tell an interesting story, and for the most part succeeded. What pushed you higher was your use of aspects to organically control the flow of the story and your use of the venue/prompt.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Major issues in realism, especially pertaining to battle damage in regards to Might+4. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Refer to the comments, but I have to say again that there is a huge difference between Third Person and First Person perspectives that you don't quite grasp. "We", surprisingly enough, is First Person. Particularly, it is singular plural. I offered up some alternatives in the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Minor hit on continuity in terms of maintaining the placement of the individuals in the match. Rationale: None that were noted.
Deleted's Score: 3.35 Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 4.05
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended 'arena'. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

The vastness of space had a feeling to it that was hard to describe. The infinite. An expanse of nothing that meant death for so many species within the galaxy. It was always so close, to those who travelled within its vacuum, yet deceptively far away. That deception fell to the wayside standing within Hangar Zerek. The hangar doors had been fully retracted, leaving only the force field separating the combatants within from being sucked into the void.

"Now now," a voice rang out. The overlay of static was thick, warping the tone of the voice as it echoed within the derelict space. "You're going to be putting on quite the show for us or, well... Would be a shame to have to hit this here button."

The threat was clear. the combatants remained exposed within the hangar proper and the only thing between them and a sudden, violent exit from the Godless Matron was the master control panel.

Andrelious looked across the room. His new opponent was clad in a set of patterned black and white armour, whilst their face was covered by a breathing mask.

“Planning on getting sucked into space, are you?” the Sith questioned.

“Not quite. We are a Gand. We can't breathe the air here,” Vadin replied.

“Right. So you’re an alien. That means you’re probably on Pravus’ hit list,” Andrelious stated.

“He’ll get to everyone eventually. Why? Are you one of his Inquisitors?” the Gand asked.

The Dinaari Aedile frowned. “If I was, Gand, you’d already know about it. And I don’t mean you’d have been told verbally.”

“So do we get to know who you are? And please, call us Vadin,” the alien declared.

“Andrelious Mimosa-Inahj. Aedile of House Dinaari. Pravus just had our home planet bombed. So I assure you that I am most definitely not an Inquisitor anymore,” Andrelious explained, tapping the handle of his Inquisitor’s dagger.

“Mimosa-Inahj? We think you’d better come with us. High Councillor Sorenn wants to discuss your actions on Sukhur!” Vadin hissed.

“And why would anyone discuss a training exercise? It’s not my fault that they missed the point. Sith do like a betrayal,” Andrelious answered stoically.

“We’ve heard the story. You slaughtered those soldiers,” the Urrite snapped back.

Andrelious activated his silver hilted lightsaber, pointing its end directly towards the Gand’s throat. “I’m not supposed to attack people from Odan-Urr. But I don’t much like your tone, alien. Looks like the Herald’s going to get the show she wants!”

Vadin took a few steps back, tapping one of his gauntlets. A short blade slid out of the gauntlet.

One good hit should be enough. If I can disable him rather than kill him, I won’t damage relations between our Clans, Andrelious thought.

Charging towards his opponent, the Sith swung his lightsaber forwards, trying to cut the Gand’s wrists off. Vadin was fast enough to dodge the strike, running past Andrelious. He wasn’t entirely sure how his weapons would fare against the blade of a lightsaber, but he did know that he’d come off second best in close combat. He sprinted around the room, making sure to keep well out of the way of the Taldryanite’s blade.

Andrelious quickly became frustrated with his failure to make contact with the Gand. Wherever he attempted to slash, Vadin ducked, dived and dodged, avoiding the Sith’s powerful, but fairly slow moving attacks. As he swung his lightsaber backwards to attempt another almighty blow, the Aedile left his lower body vulnerable for a split second. Noticing the opportunity, Vadin ran in, stabbing the Human’s thigh with his knuckle-plated vibroblade.

Yelping out in pain, the Sith swung his lightsaber almost clumsily downwards, its blade missing the retreating Gand, who had retracted his weapon back inside its housing.

“We believe that’s what you Humans call first blood!” Vadin mocked.

Darth Renatus, 4 December, 2016 2:17 PM UTC

Syntax

We are a Gand.

The "a" inserted here turns the statement into a singular rather than the generalization "We" demands.

his silver hilted lightsaber

There should be a hyphen joining "silver-hilted" in order to create a compound adjective. The exceptions for this are words like "very" or that end in -ly.

tapping one of his gauntlets. A short blade slid out of the gauntlet.

Try to avoid repetition. You could have changed it to: A short blade slid out of its compartment. Or something to that effect.


Story

stabbing the Human’s thigh with his knuckle-plated vibroblade.

This, as written, is a pretty major injury. Regardless of the fact you inflicted it on your own character, the implied severity is terrible for pacing. This is the first post in a 3/3 match.

Overall, the first half of your post is all dialogue with a little bit of combat payoff at the end. However, as readers, we are at a loss for the environment. You wrote Vadin "sprinting around the room" and yet never describe it. In the venue description, this is a derelict hangar with a fenced in arena. An electric fence at that, with floodlights at the corners. There is no sense of that scene here. No image in the mind.


General Comments

the Urrite snapped back.

For future reference, I have confirmed that the preferred term by COU is "Odanite" and not "Urrite". Just so you are aware going forward.

Vadin ducked back, looking around the area. We need to bring him in. Without it we may be on probation for a long time, he thought. He looked around at the force field and cursed silently. He didn't have a weapon to deal with it. He saw Andrelious testing out his leg, and moving with a slight limp.

This could be dangerous, we have seen Jedi fight better that we can with this kind of injury. We know he is the other kind of Jedi, the dark kind. We should be more careful.

"Please come with us," Vadin said to Andrelious. "We don't want to hurt you."

"And you're doing a great job at that Gand!" the Aedile replied. "There is no way I'm going with you, I have family to take care of."

Vadin froze, recalling his own daughter. Tanda, we are sorry... he thought, recalling how the Fall of New Tython had been the death of her.

Seeing his opponent freeze, Andrelious called upon the Force, blasting the Gand back. Caught off guard, Vadin slammed into the force field. The Warlord charged, closing the gap between the two he had created. He swung his saber down just as Vadin rolled out of the way.

Vadin came up behind Andrelious, and ran in the opposite direction, his hand dropping to his side, pulling forth his electrowhip. He turned, and lashed out with the whip, activating it at the same time. Purple energy coursed along the whip as it uncoiled, and flew toward the Aedile.

Andrelious threw himself back as the whip came around, getting out of range. He began to reconsider his opponent. It was obvious the Gand knew how to fight, even against a lightsaber. While the Aedile didn't understand why the Gand used an electrowhip instead of a much more common weapon, he knew that it wouldn't be destroyed by a saber. The Warlord wondered why the Gand had froze, but brushed those thoughts to the side, deciding to focus on the fight instead.

Vadin waited for his opponent to make a move, and saw his foe raise his hand quickly. The Gand jumped to the side as lighting flew from his opponents finger tips, catching a blast of lightening to the side, though avoiding most of it. His muscles seized up in pain under his chitin, and he let out a quiet scream under his respirator. On instinct, he lashed out at the Aedile's hand with his whip, though the strike lacked power. The whip grazed against the palm of the Warlord, sending a powerful shock into his palm.

Andrelious pulled his hand back,glad he wasn't hit worse. The Gand was keeping up quite well, and had scored some good hits. Realizing that he couldn't rely on tactics that normally worked, he decided on a new route. Quickly pulling his left hand back, he telekenetically pulled the handle of the electrowhip from Vadin's hand. The Gand let out a yelp as his weapon was pulled away from him, but offered no resistance to avoid taking damage from it.

Catching the weapon handle, the Aedile shut off the electrowhip, and tossed it behind him. He put his blade forward, smiling at the challenge.

Darth Renatus, 4 December, 2016 2:37 PM UTC

Syntax

looking around the area. [...] He looked around at the force field

recalling his own daughter. [...] recalling how the Fall of New Tython

These are cases of repetition. Try to avoid it in your writing to keep the flow interesting for the reader.

He saw Andrelious testing out his leg, and moving with a slight limp.

The comma here is unnecessary.

better that we can

This should be "than we can".

Vadin came up behind Andrelious, and ran in the opposite direction, his hand dropping to his side, pulling forth his electrowhip.

The first comma in this sequence is unnecessary.

to the side as lighting flew from his opponents finger tips, catching a blast of lightening to the side

to the side as [lightning] flew from his opponents finger tips, catching a blast of [lightning] to the side

Two different typos for "lightning" in the same sentence, though that is also repetition. Could easily refer to it as "strands of violent energy" or some such. Helps keep the reader engaged.

Andrelious pulled his hand back,glad he wasn't hit worse.

Need a space after the comma.

Quickly pulling his left hand back, he [telekinetically] pulled the handle of the electrowhip from Vadin's hand. The Gand let out a yelp as his weapon was pulled away from him

More repetition through "pull" and a typo.


Story

Seeing his opponent freeze, Andrelious called upon the Force, blasting the Gand back.

Show us how he does this. Is he throwing his hand out, concussing him, etc.


Realism

He looked around at the force field and cursed silently. He didn't have a weapon to deal with it.

Slight misrepresentation of your venue here. There is only one force field, and that's the one at the open hangar door. The combat arena is fenced in. An electric fence at that.

Having removed Vadin’s most troublesome weapon, Andrelious felt quite confident at dealing with the Gand in short order. The Urrite was still carrying a pair of blasters, as well as equipment that the Sith hadn’t yet identified, but he certainly seemed a little less sure of dealing with Andrelious successfully.

Vadin armed himself with his EL-16 and began firing towards the Taldryanite. Andrelious, his thigh still hurting from when the Gand stabbed him, elected to use his lightsaber to deflect the blaster bolts away. The Urrite cursed in his native tongue. He was beginning to realise that the warnings he had heard about the Sith were true; at long range, Andrelious could easily block his attacks, as well as counter-attacking with lightning, whilst if he closed in, he was easy prey for the Human’s lightsaber.

Andrelious wasn’t about to give his prey a moment to consider his new approach. He rushed in towards the Urrite, careful to adjust his stride to minimise his discomfort. As the Sith approached, Vadin raised his arm and activated his flame projector, filling the air immediately in front of himself with white hot plasma.

Andrelious stopped his advance just short of the flames.

“Such a cliché. You hunter types always seem to have one of those. Must be pretty fun if you’re fighting a Wookiee,” the Taldryanite commented.

“We are not like you, Sith. We don’t always enjoy the kill,” Vadin replied.

“Perhaps not. But you’re quite happy to profit from it. You’re not that different. And just like the rest of Odan-Urr, you try to be a walking moral code,” Andrelious observed.

The lull in combat was just what Vadin needed. Stepping forwards, he punched the Sith, his insectoid fist slamming with full force into Andrelious’ chest. The punch was powerful enough to wind the Human, allowing the Urrite to step back out of lightsaber range. Whilst his opponent was still catching his breath, Vadin eyed his discarded electro-whip, and ran past Andrelious, intent on recovering his lost weapon.

“I think not!” Mimosa-Inahj spat, aiming a short stream of lightning at the electro-whip’s hilt. The Gand reached the weapon moments later, but on picking it up realised that Andrelious’ lightning had shorted out its circuitry.

He’s still got plenty of tricks. Perhaps I should just kill him, the Sith thought.

“We have more than one way to protect ourselves!” Vadin stated defiantly.

Keeping his lightsaber ready, Andrelious moved towards the Urrite a little more gingerly than before, as if he were unsure what his opponent would try next. He’d already picked up enough injuries to make him think twice about a direct confrontation, but with the Gand’s electro-whip now completely out of action, he felt more confident that Vadin could do very little about an active lightsaber. Swinging his weapon back over his head, Andrelious rushed in, timing his slash to meet Vadin’s flesh on the way past. The Gand dodged as best he could, but he misjudged the direction of the Sith’s blade just enough that it sliced through his right side, cutting a large gouge in his exo-skeleton.

Pleased with the successful hit, Andrelious turned around to face the Urrite.

“Still want to take me in?” he challenged.

Darth Renatus, 4 December, 2016 3:27 PM UTC

Syntax

he was easy prey for the Human’s lightsaber.

Andrelious wasn’t about to give his prey a moment

The line break here doesn't absolve the repetition. It is still fresh in the reader's mind.


Story

So, destroying your opponent's only lightsaber-resistant weapon is rather convenient in regards to story. Realism questions aside, this skews the story in your character's favour while there is still plenty of it to come. Could see it happening believably near the end of the fight, but at this stage it is just convenient and doesn't add to the risks of the story in an organic way.


Realism

Stepping forwards, he punched the Sith, his insectoid fist slamming with full force into Andrelious’ chest. The punch was powerful enough to wind the Human

So, taking a look at Vadin's sheet here, he has +4 Might. As described on the Skills wiki for that tier: Your punches have totally knocked out (TKO) more than one opponent, but only when intended. With that in mind, your "full force" descriptor here should result in a lot more than just a winded Andrelious. This would be a staggered Andrelious. If he pulled his punches, sure, but you didn't have him do that.

The Gand reached the weapon moments later, but on picking it up realised that Andrelious’ lightning had shorted out its circuitry.

So, this sort of falls into the same realm as using Tk to turn lightsabers on and off that their opponent is holding. More or less, this is an insulated weapon. It holds a power pack in the hilt that sends a charge surging through the chord. For any of that to work, it would have to be insulated or the wielder would get shocked too. The same applies to vibro-weapons and the riot baton/electrostaffs. These are weapons that use circuitry and power packs in their design. You can't use Lightning to overload their circuitry any more than you could do it to a Lightsaber.

As this is the second time this situation has come up, with the last being in regards to Lightsabers, we have added a FAQ entry to the CS FAQ section.


Continuity

Stepping forwards, he punched the Sith, his insectoid fist slamming with full force into Andrelious’ chest.

You just wrote that Andrelious was outside the range of the flame projector, and yet he is close enough for a step forward punch?

Vadin glared in his foe's eyes, issuing a challenge of their own. "Your talk about having a family is a bluff!" he yelled, memories of his long gone daughter flooding his mind.

Vadin moved forward, rage at what happened to his daughter over shadowing any fears he had of dying to the Sith. The wound in his side flared with pain as he moved forward, and his rational side understood that he wasn't in any condition to win. However, that side wasn't running through his mind. Andrelious reflexively took a step back, having been in enough battles that his instincts overtook his belief that he had a great advantage over the Gand.

"You Dark Jedi and your preaching can never understand the bond between a parent and a child!" Vadin said with a deadly calm. "It is because of monsters like you she is gone. You will be taken in, even if we have to beat you bloody to do so. Slash at us all you want, we don't care. We will bring you in for her!"

The Aedile glared back at the Gand, anger flowing through him. He wanted to kill the bug and be done with it, but this bounty hunter was getting on his bad side. He began to think of the best way to kill this Gand, losing focus for a few seconds.

Vadin punched out with his left hand, another jet of flame quickly covering the short gap between the two combatants. Andrelious instinctively ducked to the side, as if something were calling him to move. However the distance between the two was too short, and the edges of his pants caught fire.

More instinct came to Andrelious, his combat training him telling him to roll and put out the flames. He did so, deactivating his lightsaber as he rolled, to avoid cutting himself. The Aedile almost chuckled at his opponent's tactics, there were so direct it was almost comical.

Angered beyond what he had ever considered possible, Vadin launched himself at his enemy. Tossing aside fear, the Gand quickly limped towards the rolling Sith. He tapped the release on his right arm again, the twenty-two centimeter blade coming back out. He swung his arm out wide, screaming to cover up his pain in anger. The tip of the blade connected to his opponent's back as he rolled, a long jagged cut forming because of the roll.

Andrelious completed his roll, and called on the Force as pain lanced through him. Lightning flew from his finger tips, catching the angered Gand in a direct hit. Vadin was brought to his knees as lightning tore through him. He felt it crackle around his respirator, and felt his fear come back in full force. He could smell burnt chitin and felt his insides burn as the lightning hit him.

Andrelious stopped his lightning, sure the Gand was pacified. His anger clouding his better judgement, he heavily limped towards his foe, placing his hand on the respirator. "Let us see how you take me in without this!"

As he moved to remove the Gand's only way to breath, Vadin's own hands shot out. He grabbed his opponent's wrists, stopping the Sith. Badly burned and injured, anger and fear were the only things keeping Vadin going. He pulled himself up using his foes body quicker than he should have, and heard another crack from his exoskeleton taking the damage of his sudden movement.

Pulled off balance, Andrelious fell forward, his back screaming in pain. His head went down and his saw the Gand's knee rise. The Warlords face connected with the knee, and Vadin released his grip, falling backwards. Andrelious's head flew back, his nose bleeding from the hit. Both of them rolled, ending up on their knees only a few meters away from each other. The Aedile's saber rolled along the floor, stopping just arms length away from him. Vadin's blasters skid across the floor, further than he could reach.

Darth Renatus, 4 December, 2016 3:48 PM UTC

Syntax

over shadowing

This should be one word.

However[,] the distance between the two was too short

The introductory statement needs a comma.

his combat training him telling him to roll

Doubled up on the "hims" here.

His head went down and [he] saw the Gand's knee rise

Wrong word choice for the flow of the sentence.

The Warlord[']s face connected with the knee, and Vadin released his grip

Should be possessive, since I'm assuming the face belongs to him. The comma after "knee" isn't needed.

stopping just arm[']s length away from him.

Again, should be possessive.


Story

He wanted to kill the bug and be done with it, but this bounty hunter was getting on his bad side. He began to think of the best way to kill this Gand, losing focus for a few seconds.

This is a wonderful use of metagaming that, frankly, was a pleasant surprise. You showed not only depth of understanding the character sheets being used, but worked it naturally into the story.

Andrelious didn’t take all of the time he needed to gather his breath. Instead, he reached for his second, black handled lightsaber.

“I normally use this one for the kill. But this charade has taken too long already. It’s time I finished this!” the Sith shouted. The pain from his nose indicated that the Gand had probably broken it; certainly Andrelious was going to the need the attention of a medic before long.

Vadin was attempting to crawl along the ground, apparently avoiding getting up until it was absolutely necessary. He had nearly reached his lost blasters when Andrelious spotted what the Urrite was doing.

“I think not!” Mimosa-Inahj taunted, a brief flick of his wrist allowing the Force to push the blasters to the far end of the room.

“Very well! We don’t need weapons, Sith!” Vadin yelled, jumping to his feet. He too was in pain, with his exoskeleton cracked and broken in several places, but his sheer determination pushed him on. In his mind, Andrelious was just as responsible for the attack that killed his daughter. With that in mind, the Gand threw all of his strength into an almighty punch, directing it at the Taldryanite’s already wounded face. At the same time, Andrelious swung his lightsaber towards Vadin’s torso.

The crack of fist meeting face was interspersed with the sound of lightsaber meeting exo-skeleton. Once again both fighters were knocked away from each other, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

With the help of the Force to regulate his breathing, Andrelious was on his feet first. He wasn’t about to take any chances; he moved straight over to Vadin, pointing his lightsaber at the Gand’s breathing tube. He kept its blade less than half an inch away from severing it.

“One move and I cut it, alien. You have fought well today. I am willing to let you live. On one condition!” the Sith puffed.

Vadin didn’t move, other than to stare directly into his opponent’s reddened eyes.

“I want you to make sure Turel, or High Councillor Sorenn as you seem to insist on calling him, drops any bounties and charges against me. As long as what happened on Sukhur is considered ancient history, you have nothing to worry about,” Andrelious declared.

“Your kind killed our daughter. I can’t forgive that,” Vadin spat.

Andrelious reached inside his clothing and dug out a photograph. He handed it to the fallen Urrite.

“Your family? Why are you showing me this?” the Gand questioned, handing the photograph back.

“You and I are far more similar than you might care to admit. Pravus and Cotelin nearly robbed me of my daughters. That is what I am fighting for, Gand,” the Sith explained, deactivating his lightsaber.

Vadin managed a pained smile under his mask.

Tanda. Revenge will be ours. We promise. Perhaps this Sith can play a part in that!

Allowing the Urrite to get up, Andrelious started to heal his wounds. He was secretly pleased that he hadn’t needed to kill the Gand.

I will see you around, Gand. Just remember what you need to tell Turel,” the Sith stated.

Darth Renatus, 4 December, 2016 4:23 PM UTC

Syntax

In his mind [...] With that in mind

Variety is the spice of life. Vary your themes and word play.


Story

“I think not!” Mimosa-Inahj taunted

Not a hit against you, but you used this when you zapped the electro-whip too. May want to diversify your lines.

The biggest let down in this post, and the rest of them really, is the complete disregard for Venue and Prompt. Other than a vague reference to entertainment, there has been no mention of it. For all the reader knows, this entire fight took place in a void. That all culminates in the dissatisfaction of your ending. What reason is there for Andrelious to be able to just walk away? Why would the little button in the observation deck not get pushed and eject you both into space?


Realism

the Gand threw all of his strength into an almighty punch, directing it at the Taldryanite’s already wounded face. [...] The crack of fist meeting face [...] Andrelious was on his feet first.

As I outlined previously, this is +4 Might you're dealing with here. And you describe it as almighty, take it full force, and then are the first to stand up. By all rights you both are incapacitated at this point. Him from the saber wounds, and Andrelious is TKO'd.

With the help of the Force to regulate his breathing, Andrelious was on his feet first.

How does this help him? You have +2 Control Self, sure, but that takes concentration and focus. None of this is shown in your writing, especially considering he should be out cold at this point.

“Your kind killed our daughter. I can’t forgive that,” Vadin spat.

As per your opponent's CS, "We Are Legion" shows that there is no situation where he would say "I" even at the disregard of his own life.

Vadin struggled to get up, pain lancing through him ever second. He didn't even glance at his fallen weapons, focusing solely on his enemy. It took him several seconds to get up, and he noticed Andrelious was having the same difficulty. Vadin took a step forward, getting a sense of his injuries.

The Warlord glared at the Gand as he got up. The cuts were painful, but he felt like the knee to the face might have been the most damaging hit he had taken. He felt dizzy and nauseous, though as he rose he called on the Force, and felt it like a burning fire rushing over him. He could feel the mystical energy field accelerating his own healing process. Pain ran through him as his cuts healed and his nose stopped bleeding. His nausea passed, although he still felt light-headed.

"What do you know about family Gand?" Andrelious said, buying time to heal.

Vadin stared at his foes, his turquoise eyes looking sad. "Men like you killed my daughter."

"You should be the father of the galaxy," The Aedile said with a sneer, thinking about his own family. "I would have done everything in my power to keep my family safe. It seems you didn't"

"We did everything we could," Vadin said viciously.

Andrelious paused for a second. He understood the want to protect one's family. He never thought about how having the Force made it easier for him to do so. "I'm...." he began quietly, knowing that nothing would console him if his family was lost. "I am sure you did the best you could, but I won't go in. I have a family of my own to protect."

Vadin looked at his enemies eyes and nodded. His anger dispersed with those words, and suddenly he hurt more. Sitting down, the Gand sighed audibly.

"You two," came the voice of the man who trapped the two fathers here. "If you keep this up, I will space the two of you!"

"We give up!" Vadin called out. "Let him go."

The Aedile was stunned by those words, having expected the seated Gand to be a ploy. He calmed down, calling on the Force to find the man who trapped them. A second went by until he found the only other living being around. "Ohh sir, I should warn you," he said to the announcer, "Never lock a Mimosa-Inahj."

He spun in the direction of that being, ignoring the pain, and raised his left arm. The Force came to his anger at being trapped, and a cry came over the communication system. Andrelious held the man for several seconds until there was a sickening snap. He released him, and the sound of a body hitting the floor came over the coms.

Vadin looked at his opponent and stared. I can't fight him, not in my condition. nor do I want to.

"Go," The Gand said as unconsciousness took over.

Darth Renatus, 4 December, 2016 4:32 PM UTC

Syntax

pain lancing through him ever second.

Should be "every second" or "each passing second".

galaxy," The Aedile said

No capital on "the" in "he said, she said" structure.

who trapped the two fathers here.

Should be "there".


Story

"You two," came the voice of the man who trapped the two fathers here. "If you keep this up, I will space the two of you!"

Good call back to the prompt. Doesn't feel forced either.

The ending, overall, was a little disappointing. You used the fade-to-black method to avoid offering up a fully formed ending. Just because your character is unconscious doesn't mean the scene has ended. Finish the story.


Realism

"Men like you killed my daughter."

This is first-person, and beyond that is singular. I've been waiting 'till the end to mention it, but I'll say it here as well. The Gand speak in third-person unless they've earned the right to first-person. "We" and "I" are examples of First Person, though you keep using "We". This isn't a huge realism issue, save for if you used "I" as per your Aspects, but it is something you need to be aware of. You should use the Third Person context such as "he", "Vanid", and "this one".