Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Battlelord Silent

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Battlelord Silent

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Shi'ido, Sith, Sorcerer, Obelisk
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the Matron ACC event. We're happy to have you with us!

Silent, you had many errors that could have been fixed by having someone proof your posts. You should also make sure you have an idea of how Force Powers work and make sure that lightsaber damage is accounted for in later posts. Also, make sure you know how the Shi'ido form changing works.

Andrelious, the precedent for ignoring damage was set for you, but I still wanted you to acknowledge it in your posts. You seemed to be able to move far too easily after taking lightsaber damage. You also let the Shi'ido shapeshift too quickly.

At the end of this match, this came down to repeated syntax errors and a few realism errors.

Congratulations, Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj on your victory!

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Battlelord Silent
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlelord Silent's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 2 December, 2016 7:01 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Silent
Score: 4 Score: 1
Rationale: You had a couple errors but nothing too egregious. Rationale: You had very very many errors throughout your entire post. Several missed periods, poor grammar, misspelled words, improper punctuation. I highly recommend that you have someone proof read your posts before submitting them in the ACC. Sometimes Syntax can be the difference between a win and a loss.
Story - 40%
Deleted Silent
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Right into the combat. You told a neat little story about the two combatants who were forced into a gladiatorial match. It didn't really blow me away, but it had a solid foundation, a good beginning, and I enjoyed the ending. Rationale: You had a lot of really great descriptors and imagery, but your posts seemed a little far fetched and at times implausible. You've got the right foundation and there was nothing in here that was particularly boring, but it didn't really come to life either.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Silent
Score: 3 Score: 1
Rationale: You had a couple realism docks here. The first one was that Andrelious seemed to recover from the lightsaber wound a little too quickly, and secondly a Shi'ido requires time and concentration to change forms. Rationale: You had multiple errors throughout your posts. Please review them in my comments.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Silent
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: In the first post, you had the force field under you instead of on the "wall." And then you didn't really mention any of Andrelious's wounds that he received as the match went on. Rationale: You ignored Andrelious's wounds throughout your posts.
Deleted's Score: 3.55 Silent's Score: 2.4
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended 'arena'. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

The vastness of space had a feeling to it that was hard to describe. The infinite. An expanse of nothing that meant death for so many species within the galaxy. It was always so close, to those who traveled within its vacuum, yet deceptively far away. That deception fell to the wayside standing within Hangar Zerek. The hangar doors had been fully retracted, leaving only the force field separating the combatants within from being sucked into the void.

"Now now," a voice rang out. The overlay of static was thick, warping the tone of the voice as it echoed within the derelict space. "You're going to be putting on quite the show for us or, well... Would be a shame to have to hit this here button."

The threat was clear. the combatants remained exposed within the hangar proper and the only thing between them and a sudden, violent exit from the Godless Matron was the master control panel.

Andrelious was not quite sure what to make of the peculiar creature in the room with him. Whoever or whatever it was, the former Imperial could sense its cold, angry presence within the Force.

“So what are you supposed to be?” Andrelious sneered.

The mysterious alien didn’t answer.

“Not got a tongue in there?” the Taldryanite continued.

The Dinaari Aedile took a few moments to size his opponent up. There was something about the alien’s deep red skin that unsettled Andrelious.

“Perhaps I just have nothing to say to you. People do call me Silent, after all,” Silent quipped.

Andrelious rolled his eyes. “Shall we get this over with, then? I’ve still no idea what you are, or why you’re here, but I don’t think our esteemed host is going to let us stand here and talk,” he said crossly.

Silent nodded and grabbed a pair of lightsabers. Mimosa-Inahj armed himself with his own, silver hilted weapon, and was forced almost immediately to block his opponent’s initial attack, a well practiced move that aimed to behead the Taldryanite and end the duel quickly.

Andrelious went on the counter-attack, trying to batter his way through the Plagueian’s defences. To his surprise, each strike seemed to catch Silent off balance, almost as if he couldn’t fully cope with the force of the blows.

“You don’t talk, and by the looks of things, you don’t have much to offer aside from that frankly pedestrian opening move! What exactly can you do, Silent?” Andrelious taunted.

Silent offered no verbal response. Instead, he smiled and pointed at the floor. Baffled, Andrelious looked down. To his horror, the force field had vanished.

In a panic, the Taldryanite rushed towards the control booth, hoping to somehow gain access and save himself from being sucked out into space.

Hang on. Why haven’t we been sucked out yet?

As he realised that he had been duped, Andrelious’ concern was rapidly replaced with fury. He marched back towards Silent, his eyes glinting red as the dark side fed on his anger.

“Nobody makes a fool out of me!” the Dinaari Aedile roared.

“I believe I already did,” Silent mocked.

Andrelious directed a stream of lightning straight at his opponent, still fuming over what the Shi’ido had done. Silent raised one of his hands, the Force shielding him from the Taldryanite’s attack. He was just starting to steer the lightning back towards its point of origin when Andrelious cut the flow off.

“There is more than one way to skin a Loth-cat,” Andrelious hissed, re-activating his lightsaber.

Silent glared at the Taldryanite. Another duel wasn’t ideal for the Shi’ido, but shielding himself from Andrelious’ Force lightning had left him a little drained. He had to think of something, and fast.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 6 December, 2016 1:24 AM UTC

Story

“I believe I already did,” Silent mocked.

I love this.


Syntax

“There is more than one way to skin a Loth-cat,”

Loth-cat shouldn't be capitalized, since it's not a proper name.


Continuity

...still fuming over what the Shi’ido had done.

I'm not going to dock you for this, but this does count here. You mention earlier that the alien was mysterious and you didn't really know what it was, and since you're telling telling the story from Andrel's point of view, it just didn't feel right.

Baffled, Andrelious looked down. To his horror, the force field had vanished.

This, I do have to dock you for. The bay doors aren't below you, they're basically one of the "walls" of the hangar, as indicated in the provided image.

This ole Battle Lord had been in tougher fights then he cared to remember, Silent did how ever wanted to finish the fight right off the bat just to piss off the man behind the button. Though his plan to finish the fight was undone and still learned a few things about his enemy. Other than being a fat disgusting human man with the aroma of alcohol fuming from his pours, he still had strength behind his years training, this old man was strong and staying to long in a duel will quickly lead to the Shi’ido’s death.

“Tell me what you fear old man…oh wait I guess I should you instead.” Silent spoke with the power of the Force behind his words

The Plagueian knew if the human’s eyes were not yellow they would have turned red from the quip. Silent knew he could not match the strength of the man so he had to rely on other means, the Shi’ido backup toward the shock fence on his side pulling on the strings of the Force making the arena seem bigger than it should. The Warlord was filled with anger and began his rush at Silent, the Battle Lord moved swiftly to his right dodging the incoming attack, bringing up his left Lightsaber and slicing through the fat man’s side with his blade hilt. Silent was hoping for his lightsaber blade to dig deeper into his side, but the human jumped mere inches into the air after being shocked and the lightsaber blade only managed to cut his blaster in half.

Andrelious shook of the shock and turned around, calling the Force in and pushing it out, he threw the Shi’ido to the other side of the arena in just seconds. Climbing back to his feet Silent returned to his defensive Jar’Kai stance. Breathing heavily Silent took another look at his enemy.

Damn this slob, he can take a hit.

“Just figure that out now?” Andrelious said

“Reading my thoughts? Trying to figure out my next move old man?” Silent retorted

“Right now in your shape you are an open book to a Jedi youngling.” Andrelious replied

“Well how about you read this.”

Let’s go fat ass.

Silent returned his secondary lightsaber Destruction back to his belt, sweat trickling down his brow as he called on the Force. Andrelious began his charge anew, the Force swirled around the Shi’ido as a black mass, as it finally covered his entire hand and threw it forward causing a blackness in the middle of the arena. Andrelious entered the sphere running but stopped dead in his track. The Battle Lord was already on the move from the left side into the black void, though not very big Silent entered and headed straight for the Human standing in its middle.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 6 December, 2016 2:00 AM UTC

Syntax

“Tell me what you fear old man…oh wait I guess I should you instead.”

I'm not sure what you're saying here. There are a few punctuation errors in this sentence as well.

This ole Battle Lord had been in tougher fights then he cared to remember,

"than"

...Silent did how ever wanted to finish the fight...

"however"

Essentially, you have several repeated Syntax errors that could be easily avoided if you had someone proof read your posts before submitting them.


Story

...as a black mass, as it finally covered his entire hand and threw it forward causing a blackness in the middle of the arena.

This is a really cool manifestation of the Force Power, Blackness. I would have liked you to describe what it would look like to a non-Force User instead of just saying "Blackness appeared in the middle of the room. Show us, don't just tell us.


Realism

...as a black mass, as it finally covered his entire hand and threw it forward causing a blackness in the middle of the arena.

Unfortunately, this is not how Blackness works, in multiple ways. Firstly, it centers around the user, which is you, and can't be projected to have a different center point. Secondly, you have to have +3 in order to use it in the midst of combat, which you do not have.

Although he could not see his opponent with his eyes, Andrelious simply focused on Silent’s presence within the Force. As the Shi’ido approached, the Taldryanite stepped aside, leaving his rival slashing through thin air.

“You will not keep me in the dark, alien!” Andrelious yelled.

With his blaster out of action, and having witnessed Silent’s previous resistance to his lightning, Mimosa-Inahj was more determined than usual to force the Plagueian into a duel. As the sphere of darkness that Silent had conjured with the Force faded away, the Human readied himself to charge in again.

Approaching at his full speed, Andrelious easily closed the gap between himself and his enemy, forcing Silent into a well-practiced defensive block that appeared to rely more on the Force than on his physical form. Not to be deterred, Mimosa-Inahj tried to smash his way past the Shi’ido’s stubborn blade with a series of aggressive slashes, beginning to overwhelm Silent with the sheer power behind his blows.

“I’m not a nerf steak! You won’t be slicing me up!” the Plagueian taunted.

After parrying away another chain of attacks from Andrelious, Silent, who had apparently been waiting for an opening, struck when the Taldryanite was swinging his lightsaber backwards for a particularly powerful slash.

Extending himself to full reach, the Shi’ido stabbed forward with his lightsaber, its blade piercing Andrelious’ skin. The Seeker grimaced with pain, but didn’t pull out of his own attack, allowing his weapon to crash violently into his opponent’s. Silent was caught out by the strength of the blow, dropping his lightsaber.

“Big mistake!” Andrelious roared.

With little time to react, Silent blasted lightning towards his opponent, compelling his fellow Sith to abandon his movement in favour of absorbing the incoming attack with his lightsaber.

The momentary lapse in combat allowed Silent to recover his weapon, and to move outside of the range of Andrelious’ increasingly aggressive attacks.

“Impressive. You do have some fight in you. You may be an alien, but you’re not afraid to use those emotions to unlock the true power of the Force. It’s just a shame that it won’t be enough,” Andrelious stated.

“It’ll be more than enough to deal with you, Human. I’ve been following the ways of the Sith since before you were even thought of!” Silent snapped back.

“So that is why you’re so weak and slow. You’re a relic!” the Taldryanite hissed.

“I’m not the one whose hair is turning white!” Silent retorted.

With a murderous grimace upon his face, Andrelious rushed towards the Shi’ido, swinging his lightsaber in an aggressive, but controlled manner.

“Time to fight with sabers, and not words, old man,” the Human declared.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 6 December, 2016 2:10 AM UTC

Story

...forcing Silent into a well-practiced defensive block that appeared to rely more on the Force than on his physical form.

I like this. I would have liked this without a direct reference to the Force (what would it look like to someone not familiar with the Force), it's still a very cool line.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 6 December, 2016 2:15 AM UTC

Realism

the Shi’ido stabbed forward with his lightsaber, its blade piercing Andrelious’ skin. The Seeker grimaced with pain,

Lightsaber wounds are fairly incapacitating. Andrelious would do more than grimace in pain, he would be out of combat longer than indicated here.

Vaapad a paradoxical form that the Sorcerer spent decades learning and almost mastering its unpredictable movements through the Force. Silent was ready to show Andrelious how he should of kept his distance. Releasing his mind and body into the rivers of the every streaming Force, the Shi’ido raised his lightsaber overhead and opened the floodgates.

Djem So was the form the Taldryanite had been using, Silent had taken notice after his first bout with the Human. The Sorcerer had once trained in it but then gave it up for the ways of Vaapad. Silent came crashing down with his lightsaber as Andrelious blocked the first of many strikes aimed at his head. The two Sith swiftly advanced and retreated in a series of attacks, blocking, parrying, sidestepping from near misses. Minutes had flown by, but to the two arena combatants it was a blur of furious attacks leading to a lightsaber block that held them both in place prying for superiority. The sweat had poured down each of their faces and the area surrounding the Human smelled of what only the Shi’ido could tell was Corellian ale.

Though the Warlord had finally started to show signs of tiring, Silent knew he still could not win when it came to strength in a stand still. Coming out of his swim in the Force, the Shi’ido released his right hand and moved it to his secondary lightsaber. Allowing momentum to take place the Human fell forward as the Sorcerer side stepped and spin to his right allowing his lightsaber to freshly open up an old wound and add a couple inches to his new scar.

Taking vantage of the Taldryanite’s pain and off footing, Silent charged back in taking on an attacking Jai’kar form. Getting only a single double slice down the Humans back in a form of an “X” before Andrelious was back into action, Silent swiftly turned his lightsaber around holding it in a reverse style and returning back to the defensive form. The Sorcerer was exhausted and so was the Human across from him, he had finally worn down the old man.

“Looks like you could use a drink…? Wait I never got your name.” Silent said

“Andrelious.” He replied

“Tell me is that Corellian ale I smell coming out of…I hope just your pours.” Silent asked

“No just a very large shipment of rare Alderann Ruge Liqueur.” Andrelious replied

“Very rare indeed, I sampled it only once. Killed an Alderaanian woman who had a bottle. Nice rich flavor to it, her death I mean. The Liqueur gave more of a fight going down then she did.” Silent quipped

“You going to stand here all day and talk me to death now? Because I do not see a point in continuing this discussion.” The Human retorted

“At first I was curious, but since I mentioned the woman I felt a tug in the Force, your tried state I guess has left you open like a book, and maybe even a Jedi youngling can take a look?” The sarcasm oozing from the Sorcerer

“I have not meant anyone in a long time that could even get a tug of what I held in my head, I would bow to your luck this day, but instead I will just take your head maybe after I cut every part of your body into tiny pieces.” The Human replied

“Sounds good, but if I win I am going to find this woman and show her your face that I happily cut off with your own knife.” Silent spoke

Silent prepared for the now charging Warlord.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 6 December, 2016 2:29 AM UTC

Story

Vaapad a paradoxical form that the Sorcerer spent decades learning and almost mastering its unpredictable movements through the Force. Silent was ready to show Andrelious how he should of kept his distance.

I loved this. This also ties into realism, because you played into the duelist aspect.


Syntax

You had several Syntax and grammar errors peppered through the piece including missed periods, misspelled words, and improper punctuation.


Realism

Allowing momentum to take place the Human fell forward as the Sorcerer side stepped and spin to his right allowing his lightsaber to freshly open up an old wound and add a couple inches to his new scar.

Taking vantage of the Taldryanite’s pain and off footing, Silent charged back in taking on an attacking Jai’kar form. Getting only a single double slice down the Humans back in a form of an “X” before Andrelious was back into action...

Lightsaber wounds are incapacitating. The first of these would have knocked Andrelious down.


Continuity

You had zero mention of Andrelious's wound that he took in the previous post, in fact, you had him fighting without any impediment at all.

The implied mention of Kooki had been enough to tip Andrelious over the edge. His old prejudices against aliens came flooding back as he once against smashed his lightsaber into Silent’s waiting blade, generating a huge cloud of sparks as red met blue. The Taldryanite was no longer interested in talking. He now just wanted to kill, or at least severely disable, the strange, stubborn creature.

Despite his apparent exhaustion, Silent was still putting up an incredible fight. Andrelious wasn’t even dictating the flow of the combat in the way he would have liked; his opponent frequently managed a counter-attack that forced the Human to re-balance himself.

The pain from the wounds that the Plagueian had inflicted were beginning to take their toll on the tiring Andrelious. He reduced the strength of his attacks as much as he dared, reducing the amount of discomfort from his movements.

“I’ve got you where I want you now!” Silent puffed.

With a roar that was half pain and half sheer anger, Mimosa-Inahj bypassed his opponent’s lumbering defences, plunging his lightsaber deep into the Shi’ido’s midriff. The stench of burning flesh filled the air as the former Imperial followed up with a faster, but weaker attack that chopped off Silent’s right arm.

As he cried out with pain, Silent began to change into his original form. His red skin turned pale, whilst his mouth widened and his eyes, far less Human looking than before, sunk slightly into his changing face.

A changeling. Perhaps Pravus is right after all! the Seeker thought. He was expecting the wounded Silent to stagger away, but, to his surprise, the Shi’ido appeared to have regained a right arm as he changed forms. The wound to his middle remained prominent, but Silent didn’t show any sign of being ready to give up.

“You just don’t know when to give up, do you?” Andrelious sneered.

Charging in again, Andrelious hit Silent before he was properly ready. The Taldryanite was not pulling any punches; his slashes were aimed directly at the alien’s head. Reaching as high as was comfortable, the Seeker started to bring his lightsaber down, hoping to bisect the injured alien. The Force screamed a warning to Silent, and he began to step away, but he was too tired and too slow to avoid the rapidly dropping lightsaber. Andrelious’ weapon sliced through his right side, destroying many of his detachable tendons in an instant.

Falling to the ground, Silent glared defiantly up at his opponent. He tried desperately to reform his body to restore what Andrelious had cut off, but realised that he was too badly injured.

“I am not going to waste my time killing you, alien. Even if you do get off this ridiculous ship alive, you’re not going to be of any use to anyone. I’m sure whichever Clan you serve will feed you to Pravus and his frakking Inquisition to save their own skins. Not that it will work,” Andrelious explained.

For the first time since the pair’s initial exchange, Silent lived up to his name. He was too busy satisfying himself with thoughts of revenge.

You’ve won today, Human. But you are a dead man walking.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 6 December, 2016 2:53 AM UTC

Story

A changeling. Perhaps Pravus is right after all! the Seeker thought.

Incredible line! It grabs your aspect, it plays into current events. I LOVED this.

Realism

He was expecting the wounded Silent to stagger away, but, to his surprise, the Shi’ido appeared to have regained a right arm as he changed forms.

Shi'ido require a lot of concentration and time to change forms. They can't do it quickly. That is indicated on the Species list in the CS Guide.

The Sorcerer knew even after he said it that he would not be able to keep his idle threat, he knew that in the end, Silent and Andrelious would be dead. If so lucky he would reach those smug bastards in the control booth. There was a bull of a man charging toward him, the crimson red blinded the Human with a blood lust so hungry even an all you can eat Hutt buffet was not enough. He knew using the Force would ruin his plan so he split his mind into defending and building on all the Force he could muster to get his plan to work.

The Warlord closed the gap between them and the Shi’ido dodged right, the Humans lightsaber came crashing down severing Silent’s left arm. His left arm absorbing his secondary lightsaber within as the Battle Lord continued to move out of the way, already growing a new arm, Silent retreated until it was done.

“It seems I’ll have to take your head first, maybe that will stop your miracle grow body.” Andrelious shouted

“Sorry, it seems my head has grown attached to my body.” Silent replied

The bull headed Human rushed forward again, lightsaber high knowing that the Sorcerer could not defend properly even if he had two fully formed arms. Silent feinted left and then jumped right as the Warlord fell for his ploy, rushing forward toward his severed arm the Shi’ido was knocked to ground just a few feet from it. The evil crackle of a laugh came from behind him as Andrelious was celebrating his victorious control over the Force.

“I do not even have to be near your sorry ass to trip you.” Andrelious said between crackles

Silent ignored the taunt and pushed himself back up and back toward his other arm. This time he was pushed forward into the shock fence, the electricity that flowed through him felt like the currents of the Force, but more painful. As luck and pain would have it that little push Andrelious gave knocked his arm next to him. The Shi’ido’s new and old left arm reached out like tendrils toward each other making contact and making him whole again. Silent moved his secondary lightsaber to the middle of his chest next to his hidden knight saber.

“How? How the hell are you able to do that, I cut that arm off!” Andrelious screamed

“Did you forget or have not noticed that I am a Shi’ido? Did you even stop to smell burned flesh? No you did not at all, I faked my arm falling off. It’s not that hard for me to do.” Silent replied.

“I will finish you!” the Human shouted

Silent retracted his final lightsaber within his body as the Human came rushing forward. This was the moment he had been waiting on, he had made another hand within his chest that held all three of his lightsabers, using the Force to draw out some lighting. The Shi’ido released all the force lighting he could through his hidden hand straight into his lightsaber batteries. Andrelious closed the gap and stabbed the Battle Lord threw the stomach, the pain was unbelievable but Silent wrapped his arms around the Human and whispered a single word.

“Boom.”

The three lightsabers batteries were overcharge from the lighting causing them to explode like a mini bomb with the two of them at ground zero.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 6 December, 2016 2:56 AM UTC

Story

...the Human with a blood lust so hungry even an all you can eat Hutt buffet was not enough.

This line is hysterical. Nice.

Realism

...already growing a new arm...

A Shi'ido needs time and concentration to regrow limbs or change forms.