Captain Blair Augusta Dearg vs. Acolyte Kadrol Hauen

Captain Blair Augusta Dearg

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Kiffar, Loyalist, Director
vs.

Acolyte Kadrol Hauen

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Marauder
Comment

First of all, thank you for your patience in waiting for this match to be judged, and I hope you had a fun holiday season!

This was a match between a Force-wielder and a non-Force user, and you both dealt with this challenge pretty well. Blair, you used the resources available to you, the character sheets and the venue, to your advantage. When it comes to a character “planning out” her actions, consider if it’s a useful addition to the story or if the same ideas can be conveyed more effectively directly through action. Kadrol, to capture the reader’s interest, a story must have convincing drives and motives for its characters. These are the areas you can focus on expanding in your posts. In terms of combat, don’t be afraid to let your character fail and face difficulty. It will make your action sequences more engaging.

You both had an issue with Realism in your Final Posts. Blair, using Barrier requires undivided attention for a beginner. Kadrol can’t be moving around the cave at the same time. Kadrol, you introduced a species trait (night vision) that is not encountered in the character sheets or in Star Wars sources. For details like this it’s a good idea to check on the available DJB and SW sources of information. You also had an issue concerning the Continuity of Kadrol’s shoulder injury. With the feat “Didn’t Hurt!” it’s important to distinguish between perceived pain and actual physical damage, which still exists with a blaster injury.

Keep practicing and improving, and I hope to see many more matches from the two of you in the new year! As for this match, Blair wrote the stronger Story, so congratulations Blair Augusta Dearg on your victory!

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Captain Blair Augusta Dearg, Acolyte Kadrol Hauen
Winner Captain Blair Augusta Dearg
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Captain Blair Augusta Dearg's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Kadrol Hauen's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 20 December, 2016 9:21 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A few commas and uses of the passive voice that were out of place, enough that the flow of the text was affected overall. Rationale: Commas were an issue in the posts, and there was some awkward phrasing. Otherwise, good formatting in terms of paragraphs and emphasis.
Story - 40%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Your story looks to the immediate action as well as to some of the wider context of the battle. The pace slowed down in some of your passages, which damaged the ability of the story to engage the reader. You used the environment in your action, as well as the characters’ unique traits. Rationale: You have the beginning of a good layout in these two posts. Hints as to motivations and emotions were present, but you didn’t push them very far in the story. The environment was described well, but was used minimally. The combat was one-sided, but otherwise it progressed the story nicely.
Realism - 25%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: An overestimation of Kadrol’s proficiency with Barrier in your Final Post. It disregarded the amount of concentration required to pull off the Force power. Rationale: Kadrol is stated as having exceptional night vision in your last post, when his traits and species Feats do not suggest as much.
Continuity - 20%
Remurr Hijaa Research Director Kadrol Hauen
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues that I found. Rationale: Your last post starts with a shoulder injury but fails to address the physical consequences later on.
Remurr Hijaa's Score: 3.65 Research Director Kadrol Hauen's Score: 3.05
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

How he was perspiring in this frigid temperature, Kadrol had no idea. It had been some time since he had begun his descent into the cave of crystalline water, and he wasn’t going to back out now. A Loyalist, accused of treason was camping out in the nearby cavern. It troubled him to know that one of the many people he considered family was, or more plausibly, could, be a traitor. Looking at the description his datapad displayed; pale skin, red hair, brown eyes, he knew it was Captain Blair. He remembered the last time they had fought here. It seemed as though it was one-fiftieth of a rotation ago on Hoth when it happened. He wouldn’t flee again. That was then.

He was lucky the wind and snow hadn’t come yet. He reached the entrance. Blair was inside, both the Force, and his datapad told him so. Then the signal on his datapad was cut. The tracker placed on Blair by another Murrian must’ve been destroyed. The vague feeling was all he had now as he entered the frozen cave. The confusion he had floating around his mind was weighing him down. Was Blair the traitor? Why would anyone do that? Would an innocent person be accused?

He tried to clear his mind of such questions at the moment. As he stepped further down into the dark abyss on this icy planet, he hadn't gone far when he heard the slight crunch of snow from to his right. As he turned, he was met by a single beam of energy. Kadrol called out “Blair! I’m not going to fight you. Let's talk.” Blair got to her feet after hearing the voice of the young Sith, but her blaster was still raised. In the coldness of Hoth, both were wrapped up in heavy jackets. Kadrol looked deeply into the Kiffar’s eyes and with a wave of his hand, and a twinkle in his fingers, he spoke softly, “You will not need your blaster.”

“I will not need my blaster.” The Captain replied, as though in a trance.

Blair laid her blaster on the ground, and the two spoke for awhile. Then, out of nowhere, Kadrol felt an unsettling feeling in his stomach. He ducked, and lucky for him, he did. Looking back, a black mark in the wall of ice, he knew Blair almost took off his head. Kadrol rolled behind a pillar and pulled out his lightsaber. Immediately after he ignited his red blade, he ran toward Blair, and in one fluid motion sliced the blaster in two after accidentally blocking a shot from the Captain. “You’re lucky that's under warranty!” She shouted. Kadrol deactivated his saber, and hooked it to his belt while grabbing his vibrodagger with his other hand.

Korroth, 1 January, 2017 9:58 PM UTC

Syntax

A Loyalist, accused of treason[,] was camping out in the nearby cavern.

This would have been an appropriate place to use a set of bracketing commas, to mark off “accused of treason” as a bit of additional information in the sentence. The sentence required either the two bracketing commas or no comma at all. The single comma was out of place on its own.

“I will not need my blaster[,” the] Captain replied

When a speech quote is followed by a phrase that describes the speech quote (e.g. he said, she whispered, they replied), the speech quote should end with a comma rather than a full stop.

He ducked, and lucky for him, he did.

If you were trying to convey that Kadrol was lucky to have dodged the shot, the expression would be “and lucky for him that he did.” Otherwise, the sentence does not make much sense on closer inspection.

“You’re lucky that's under warranty!” [she] shouted.

A minor pointer: when the phrase marking off the speech quote (she shouted) is preceded by an exclamation mark (!) or question mark (?), the phrase is not capitalised by convention, because the exclamation/question mark is effectively just replacing a comma.

Story

he hadn't gone far when he heard the slight crunch of snow from to his right.

Nice use of the environment to kick off the action.

and the two spoke for awhile. Then, out of nowhere, Kadrol felt an unsettling feeling

Overall, you set up a good introduction to the battle in this post. Kadrol’s mission gave purpose to the conflict, and his internal doubts added an interesting layer of uncertainty. It’s a pity that you didn’t take the time to expand on these topics in the post. The line quoted above stands out in particular because does not convey anything meaningful to the reader, right in a spot where the story transitions from talking to fighting. As it is, Blair’s attack comes out of the blue, and the reader is left wondering what exactly triggered it. Giving yourself the time to write a fleshed-out dialogue, to explore the protagonists’ emotions, relationships and motivations, can be as important in driving the story forward as actual combat.

Blair Augusta Dearg saw the lightsaber lowered and the vibroblade raised and was puzzled by it. Was this some instruction given to the Zabrak before his arrival? Or had he made the decision that he was going to take his time in dealing with her? Both answers were outcomes she wanted to prevent from coming to pass. She would have to keep him busy, and if he had been ready enough to believe her a traitor to track her down, it was possible that giving him the some of the truth would shock him into temporary inaction. Deciding that it was worth trying, she began.

“Kadrol is it? Yes, I remember you. We fought here not too long ago. Now somebody wants me dead, and you’re going to try and give them what they want. You don’t know who or why, but I can explain. For now, why don’t you throw me that A180C and we at least make it look like you tried to kill me? I will return to Aliso and expose the real traitor to the Dread Lord himself. It’s not unlike them to lie to their apprentices for selfish reasons. I could introduce you to one such apprentice once we leave this place.” Her plan would either work or failing that; she’d be dead in seconds.

The Zabrak was struggling to come to terms with what he had just heard. He had unknowingly allowed himself to go after the wrong target. Of course, it could be that Blair was the traitor and was attempting to throw him off her trail. He had to trust his gut, which was telling him that he had just gotten the truth. Sith did often try to get obstacles to their progress removed, but to who would Blair prove a problem? He’d have to wait until they were both off Hoth to find out. Deciding Blair’s information could be useful to him, Hauen decided to give her the means to defend herself. The weapon his opponent had asked for was dropped to the ground in front of her as he backed himself to anticipate any sign of betrayal.

The Director was stunned by the compliance of her soon to be opponent. He could have just killed her, and he didn't, it was an uncomfortable situation and one she intended to prevent becoming a recurring issue. She slowly lowered herself towards the floor, making sure to keep her eyes focused on the Journeyman. The Loyalist proceeded to extend her arms in the direction of the blaster, letting out a small sigh of relief once she felt the weapon in her hands. Now she had to engineer a strategy to win what was sure to be a close encounter. Her eyes scanned the cave; new opportunities presented themselves as a result of the previous meeting Blair and Kadrol had in this same cave not too long ago. The occasional pillars of rock could provide sturdy cover; a large enough gap would restrict her foe’s far superior use of bladed weapons and hand to hand combat.

The Journeyman would have preferred to be up close and personal if he was to fight Blair, but he realised that she was reluctant to let him get that close again. It would take everything he had to close the distance. Potentially more than was within him, given that his opponent now knew what the Journeyman was capable of and had been here with plenty of time to survey the battlefield before his arrival. As well as the time he spent walking away from her. He would have to try a sudden movement to throw any strategy into disarray.

Blair and Kadrol seemingly both thought the same thing, as the Loyalist’s makeshift weapon, an A180C, sprung to life, blaster bolts hurtling through the air, only to stop short of the target. Kadrol had seen it coming and barely summoned something that seemingly worked in a similar manner to a forcefield. Frustrated, the Kiffar kept up a steady series of bursts, each pounding into the protective field and weakening its power. Making sure to keep her weapon’s heat levels manageable, Blair saw the object go down; this was a chance to at least temporarily, take out her opponent’s most dangerous weapon. Aiming for the lightsaber, she sent a total of nine bolts in three bursts soaring through the illuminated cave to knock loose the Sith’s signature weapon. With the picture of Hauen’s face being worth a thousand words, Blair knew she had been successful, but also that he still had more weapons to use.

Coming up with a plan to draw her opponent out, she noted how there was a section of the cave to her rear where the visibility was worse than her current location. To ensure the Director could get to less well-lit cover, a smoke bomb was rolled out from her cover and then hit with a blaster bolt. Realising her window of opportunity was short, the Captain utilised her knowledge of the cave’s layout to find the destination, ensuring that even as she panted and her legs pounded the snow below her feet, she would get there before the smoke had worn off. Her plan had worked, as through the fleeting remnants of smoke emerged the form of the menacing Marauder.

Korroth, 1 January, 2017 10:01 PM UTC

Syntax

it was possible that giving him the some of the truth

The first “the” in this sentence was out of place.

Her plan would either work or failing that; she’d be dead in seconds.

The semicolon seems like too strong a pause for this sentence. The semicolon is better used to replace a conjunction like “or”: Her plan would work; failing that, she’d be dead in seconds. Alternatively, a set of bracketing commas around “failing that” might have improved the pace of the text: Her plan would either work or, failing that, she’d be dead in seconds.

a smoke bomb was rolled out from her cover and then hit with a blaster bolt.

With an action sequence the aim is usually to write text that is direct and to the point, so that the reader pictures the scene instantly and with clarity. Using the passive voice, like in the quoted sentence, can have the opposite effect; it weakens the impact of the text and it conveys the imagery in the wrong order. Using the active voice conveys the scene in a much less roundabout manner: she rolled a smoke bomb out from under her cover and then hit it with a blaster bolt. Aside from the syntax point, I liked this action sequence; you found a nice way to exploit your character’s “Keeping my Distance” Aspect.

Story

Now she had to engineer a strategy to win what was sure to be a close encounter. Her eyes scanned the cave; new opportunities presented themselves as a result of the previous meeting Blair and Kadrol had in this same cave not too long ago. The occasional pillars of rock could provide sturdy cover; a large enough gap would restrict her foe’s far superior use of bladed weapons and hand to hand combat.

The Journeyman would have preferred to be up close and personal if he was to fight Blair, but he realised that she was reluctant to let him get that close again. It would take everything he had to close the distance. Potentially more than was within him, given that his opponent now knew what the Journeyman was capable of and had been here with plenty of time to survey the battlefield before his arrival. As well as the time he spent walking away from her. He would have to try a sudden movement to throw any strategy into disarray.

You did a good job exploiting your character’s Skills, Aspects and Feats in this post. You also had a well-written combat sequence at the end, but overall the post was lighter on the action than it could have been. The paragraphs quoted above slowed you down because nothing was actually happening in that interval. If you spend a lot of time explaining what could happen before it happens, you risk losing the reader’s interest. Instead, you could focus on the action itself and use it to directly convey your character’s Aspects. This falls under the category of “show, don’t tell," as you want to show the reader what your character is doing rather than spell it out beforehand.

Kadrol, having golden eyes with night vision of a cat, could still see fairly well in the new, and darker, cover he had been dragged into. Kadrol saw how he had been deceived. In his realization, he felt a single tear run down the side of his patterned face as a result of his new found anger. He grabbed his saber off the frozen and snowy ground, but as he began to straighten himself up and run to the traitor he was hit in his right shoulder by a new burst of energy from his blaster. His shoulder was jerked back on impact, but luckily, he only felt the pain in his shoulder for a second.

He furrowed his brows and started his charge towards the Captain. The attack took Blair by surprise. She pressed down the trigger, attempting to yet again shoot down the Acolyte. The surprise obviously affected her aim, as Kadrol didn't need to block them at all. Only one shot could have hit him, but Kadrol had a mere foresight to it and spun to dodge it, not slowing his attack a bit. He didn't activate his saber. Instead, he stepped on top of a lump of ice, leaping over Blair and adding a flip for style. Having landed the jump, he turned to see an impressed, yet suprised and fearful Blair. He closed his eyes and stuck out his hand, palm out. Imagining the weapon that had been stolen from him back into his own hands, he waited for a second or two. When he opened his eyes, he suddenly put his right foot back on instinct as the rifle hit his hand. Blair was now disarmed. He knew he could easily capture Blair now, but it didn't seem right. Blair took off running, and Kadrol after her. With the weight of his weapons he barely caught up to Blair before she got out of the cavern.

He was at the cave entrance. He set down the heavy rifle at the cave side and hitched his saber to his belt. The fifteen year old turned on his voice modulator, as he thought it sounded really cool. He tossed his vibrosword and dagger next to the blaster, saying "Fight me with your skills, not any of my tools." Kadrol got into a defensive stance as Blair charged him. Kadrol kicked the loyalist in the stomach during her unformulative and unskilled charge. He walked up to the Kiffar, who was lying on the ground now, and arrested her with the special handcuffs the Clan had given him.

The two proceded by Kadrol re equipping his weapons and leading the defeated Kiffar away to be tried for her treason and insubordination.

Korroth, 1 January, 2017 10:08 PM UTC

Syntax

Kadrol, having golden eyes with [the] night vision of a cat

“Night vision” is an ordinary noun in this case, so it requires an article (the) to fit within the sentence.

Kadrol had a mere foresight to it and spun to dodge it

It looks like there might have been a mixing of two common expressions here: “the mere foresight to dodge it” and possibly “a mere allusion to it”. Either would have worked fine here, but mixing them resulted in somewhat awkward phrasing.

Story

The fifteen year old turned on his voice modulator, as he thought it sounded really cool.

A genuine laugh-out-loud moment, well performed.

Overall, this post went in the right direction. You hinted at Kadrol’s emotional response to the battle and you briefly connected the end of the battle with Kadrol’s initial mission. This is a good start. To go further, you could expand on these ideas and explore the wider context of the battle (what’s at stake for Kadrol and his allies in this match? What pushes Kadrol to succeed here?) Drives and motives are an important aspect of the battle, because they help the reader to connect with the story. It’s worth spending some time to bring them out in detail in your posts.

Another aspect that you could look into is tension and suspense. If your action sequences are one-sided and appear to give the upper hand to the same character all the time, you won’t be able to engage the reader in the story. An engaging action sequence will leave the reader uncertain as to the ultimate victor until the very end, and it will show that the protagonists can fail as well as prevail. By introducing the elements of uncertainty and surprise to your battles you can better stimulate the reader’s curiosity and involvement.

Realism

Kadrol, having golden eyes with night vision of a cat, could still see fairly well in the new, and darker, cover he had been dragged into.

This is a minor point, since it doesn’t have a huge impact on the battle, but there is no indication that Kadrol or Zabrak in general have above-average night vision. If you are unsure about a specific physical trait, it’s a good idea to look at the DJBWiki’s Species article, Wookieepedia and/or the Star Wars Databank.

Continuity

His shoulder was jerked back on impact, but luckily, he only felt the pain in his shoulder for a second.

Your use of Kadrol’s species Feats is spot on at the start of the post. However, the injury appears to have been ignored in the rest of the post. The “Didn’t Hurt!” Feat refers solely to the perception of pain, not to the physical damage caused by a hit. Kadrol could ignore the pain of the blaster shot, but the injury would have caused significant fatigue and probably blood loss, especially in the midst of all that strenuous activity. He would probably have lost the use of that arm, meaning that carrying a weapon in each hand was also a stretch.

Kadrol was impressed by his opponent’s tactical move to put more space between them, but he had to make sure she didn't elude him. The Journeyman may have believed in her innocence, but he would still try to bring her in, he couldn't trust anyone as he found himself in the middle of this unfortunate situation. The Sith would have to find out the truth once he was safely back on Aliso. Pulling out his vibrosword, the Zabrak marched through the shimmering light of the cave, into the darkness where his opponent was hiding . She would be harder to see than usual, due to the darkness oriented paint scheme of her armour.

Blair watched patiently, as the Acolyte advanced towards her. Seeing that Kadrol had not yet retrieved his lightsaber, the Captain decided that the best defence was a good offence. To this end, she unleashed a barrage of bolts in the direction of the Sith. Not being able to block them with his current weapon, he had to scurry to cover to avoid receiving hits quickly. Blair’s plan worked, and as a result, her confidence had grown. The Circle would have to take Hauen back wounded. Making sure to avoid overheating her weapon, the Loyalist kept her eye line just above the rock she was hiding behind, to maintain a visual on her target.

The Circle member had to rethink; he couldn't get close enough without his lightsaber, which lay on the ground 10 meters behind him. If he couldn’t get close, then he couldn't use his vibro weapons efficiently. Deciding to improvise, the Marauder took his vibrodagger and hurled it in the direction of the Director. A sharp scraping sound sent throughout the cave as the dagger crashed harmlessly into the rock protecting Dearg. Realising that the moment to act was now, the Zabrak reached out to his weapon and called it back to his hand. Focusing intensely, the Marauder summoned a protective dome around himself, making him protected against any blaster fire that came his way. As long as he could maintain this shield, he had the upper hand. The now protected Kadrol began advancing.

Blair watched as Hauen started to move in her direction with no concern about her attacking him. A blaster wouldn't prove useful in this situation, although that wasn't the only weapon she possessed. The A180C was placed on the ground between the Loyalist and her cover, as the grenade she had brought with her seemed to be the most useful tool for this operation. Her right hand cupped around the explosive device to conceal it from the Journeyman’s view. To add to the sense of surprise, her left hand covered her right. Then, with one swift movement, the explosive was thrown just short of Kadrol, the aim to lower his protection and make him an easier target to hit.

Hauen saw the grenade and with time in low supply, he picked it up and threw it behind him, collapsing part of the cave behind him. His protection field now gone, the Sith surged forward with incredible speed. Much to his surprise, there were no blaster bolts to be dodged; his opponent had just let him into melee range, where she significantly outclassed. Why would she do this? Kadrol soon found out as a simple weapon struck him on his forehead. The momentum the Marauder built up made the impact hurt just a little bit more. The member of The Circle was sent tumbling backwards to make definitive contact with the ground. The weapon’s stock then pressed into his throat.

“Looks like I won, though you could have made it seem less real than that.” The Kiffar stood victorious above the Zabrak. She continued “But I suppose we need to return to Aliso. After all, what better proof do I have than the one sent to remove me as an obstacle? I’ll be waiting on my ship, don’t take too long. The Zabrak only replied with grunts, still somewhat reeling from the impact that took him off his feet.

Korroth, 1 January, 2017 10:09 PM UTC

Syntax

but he would still try to bring her in, he couldn't trust anyone as he found himself in the middle of this unfortunate situation.

The comma in this extract is holding together two independent statements which should rather be separated by a full stop.

Hauen saw the grenade and[,] with time in low supply, he picked it up and threw it behind him

Bracketing commas are used to mark off a statement that adds to the information relayed in a sentence, but is otherwise not essential to the structure of the sentence. Commas are needed on both sides of the short statement (in this case “with time in low supply”), otherwise the sentence becomes awkwardly interrupted.

where she significantly outclassed.

It looks like you might have missed a “was” in this sentence.

She continued[,] “But I suppose we need to return to Aliso.

When introducing a speech quote like this, a comma helps to mark off the beginning of the speech quote.

I’ll be waiting on my ship, don’t take too long. The Zabrak only replied with grunts

You missed a quotation mark at the end of that speech quote, after “too long.”

Story

You had a lot more action in this post than your previous one, which is a good thing. You successfully concluded the battle as far as Kadrol’s mission was concerned, and you also gave a few hints as to the wider context on Blair’s side of things.

Realism

As long as he could maintain this shield, he had the upper hand. The now protected Kadrol began advancing.

With his very basic Barrier capabilities, Kadrol needs his full concentration to project the Force shield. Having him move across the uneven cave floor with the barrier up is a minor realism detractor. At +1 Barrier, “the user’s full concentration is necessary to maintain the barrier,” meaning that the character can’t be doing anything else at the same time.