Azha Mos approached the scene cautiously, after all it was an alleyway in Nar Shaddaa. He had been on Nar Shaddaa for only a few days, and he had already heard of the last few “mysterious deaths” from his friend in the Nar Shaddaa police, Sergeant Hamm. Apparently there have been a few people who exploded, with no apparent connection between them, aside from the fact that the forensic scientists of the Nar Shaddaa police department could not find the source of the explosion.
The Mirialan neared the caution tape, and noticed that it was about fifteen meters from the body. Must have been a powerful explosion, he thought, though from here I can’t see any damage to the surrounding area. Aside from the blood and chunks of skin.
He ducked under the crime tape, and felt two large left hands placed on his back. Mos smiled, knowing immediately who it was. After all there were only two Besaliks on the police Force, and only one on this case. He turned, and was proved right.
Standing in front of him was a large Besalisk who appeared to be a mottled brown. The Besalisk smiled at Mos, and stood tall. “I have to warn ya Mos,” he said with a worried tone. “This case isn’t being covered up. This means that whoever is responsible isn’t paid by the Hutts, or any other organization with money in the police.”
“Sargent Hamm,” the Private Detective replied, “what a strange greeting. If the situation is this bad, you should have called me sooner. This is what, the third victim?”
“Yeah,” the Sergeant responded distantly. “The first was a Twi’lek, then a Zabrak, and now this, a Quarren. Each one exploded differently, though, based on the power of the explosion, and all the data the forensics team could gather, they were all killed with similar explosions, though we don’t know from what.”
Azha and the Sergeant approached the body, stepping over chunks of flesh and around pools of blood. As they approached the detective's mind was flooded with something he hadn’t considered. For the briefest of moments he could sense that the victim was a Force Sensitive.
That is an interesting development, part of his mind said, storing the information for later. His eyes darted around the crime scene, in a search for other clues. After a few seconds, his eyes were drawn to the Quarren’s stump of an arm.
“Can I get some gloves?” he called out, as he knelt down to check the body.
A pair of self cleaning white Latex gloves were passed to him, and he put them on quickly. Lifting up the arm stump, and it really was nothing more than that, blown off only a few inches from the shoulder, he spotted some marks that seemed like recent scars.
“Sergeant,” he called out. “I think I found something.”
“Oh? This fast?” the Besalisk replied, sounding relieved. “We are still trying to ID him, this could help.”
“It looks like some tissue scarring,” Mos stated analytically, his mind firmly in place with the investigation. “It is a smooth scar, like a scalpel, or a sharp knife. Maybe he recently got surgery.”
“Well that is helpful,” Hamm replied sarcastically. “This planet has enough non legitimate hospitals. We can’t search all of them.”
“Any that specialize in Force Sensitives?” the Private Detective questioned.
“Another idea?” Hamm asked.
“This Quarren was a Force Sensitive, maybe the other victims were as well. It is a long shot but it would connect the three murders. Where are the other bodies?” Azha said without looking up from the victim’s body.
“At the Morgue, as usual. I can bring you there, my airspeeder is six blocks down,” Hamm replied.
“Let me guess, close enough that you can get to it, but far enough away that if someone were to steal your keys they would have trouble finding it?” Azha asked.
“You got that right detective,” the Sergeant replied. “Tucked up in a secluded alley.”
“We should get going,” Mos replied.
The two figures approached the back alley after ten minutes, right on time according to Rhylace’s calculations. He had been expecting them since the two visited the crime scene. A small smile crept on the Chiss’s face as he was right yet again. The Besalisk officer had been at every other scene, and Rhylace knew that despite the obvious corruption in the Nar Shaddaa Police, that even he couldn’t stay unnoticed forever.
“I don’t have enough data to leave the planet yet,” he said quietly to himself, confident he could easily get the drop on the two men. “It is a shame the chips weren’t stable enough to not explode, but I was able to make the Quarren loyal enough for a few days. More data is needed.”
Rhylace stayed in the shadows as the two moved to the air speeder, and set his sights on the Besalisk. The four armed being would be the one who could probably give Rhylace the most trouble once a fight inevitably broke out. He pulled one of his scalpel shaped vibro daggers out, one covered in a poison that would put the Sergeant to sleep. After all, it would only become more difficult for the Taldryan to avoid capture if he killed one of the police, the blue shirts always seemed to hold grudges.
The very second one of the Sergeant's hands touched the airspeeder Rhylace was on the move, slashing across the back of the large aliens neck. It didn’t take long for the poison to kick in, less than a second truthfully. Rhylace had studied the cop, one of the least corrupt on the force, and one who would have been the most eager to find the Chiss. He knew that the Besalisk was not in the best of shape, and made sure to apply more poison than was needed for a quicker effect.
As Sergeant Hamm hit the ground the Mirialan turned. The green skinned man was not a member of the police force, but, as Rhylace had deduced, some sort of consultant. Although, based on what was his belt, the cylindrical tube Rhylace recognized from his job leading Clan Taldryan, he was an exceptional consultant.
“This cannot be so easy,” Azha stated incredulously when Sergeant Hamm went down. “I take it you are the reason these people exploded Chiss? And what did you do to Hamm”
Rhylace looked at the Mirialan a second time. After all, that was a quick deduction, if a simple one. “There is more to you than I thought. The explosions were a simple malfunction. I hate the loss of the data, although the explosions gave me some data of their own. Not a big loss after all. As for the Besalisk. He is asleep, nothing brings police wrath like killing one of their own.”
“Well, that solves that,” the Private Eye said evenly. “You are coming with me to answer for your crimes.”
“That won’t happen,” the Chiss replied, his hand dropping to another blade, this one with no poison on it.
Mos saw the doctor move his hand, and pulled forth his blaster. “I said, you are coming with me!”
Syntax
In terms of syntax, your biggest issue faced in this post is the misuse of commas. The important thing to remember is that a comma isn't the mental pause that it is so often referred to incorrectly as. They follow certain structural rules, which can be found here. I'll try and list most of them below:
This section had a couple issues, namely a typo in the race "Besalisk" and an unnecessary capital on "force". Also, two comma issues:
These are just some small issues like missed hyphens, two words as opposed to one, and possessive form.
The grammar and flow of the following is very broken, making it hard to read. I would recommend a complete restructure:
You used the wrong word here, though spell check wouldn't catch it due to it being a known manufacturer/surname:
Just a minor note for using thoughts in narrative, you should mark it with italics to make it distinct from your narrator. Here's an example with Markdown:
A lot of the times we can get repetitive in our writing, which can be jarring and less engaging. Here is an instance where you used "explode" and its variants far too much, instead of changing it up:
The final major issue is that you called your opponent "Rhylace" instead of "Rhylance" for the entirety of the match. This is a fun little hiccup that can make a judge go, "Okay, is this Syntax or Realism?" In this case, it is Syntax cause you just missed a letter rather than renaming your opponent.
Story
As someone who is guilty of this himself, I feel as a kindred spirit I need to point out that it took you roughly 682 words of your 1216 word opening post just to get through your story setup and introduce your opponent. You run the risk of never hooking the reader and losing them in the narrative. It's good to set up a strong story, but not always best to have it too far removed from the focal point of the match.
In the below section, I assume you are making reference to Azha's lightsaber but it doesn't come across to the reader. I had to take multiple looks before it clicked for me.
Realism
In this section, it appears that you are making use of the Elementary feat (as opposed to Psychometry which is an active feat). However, the purpose of this is to draw your attention to clues that can be "seen" and then inferred, like with how they visualize Sherlock's mind in the BBC series. It won't show you something you can't see, like if someone is Force Sensitive.
Other than that, your setup for the actual conflict seems to run contrary to many of Rhylance's aspects. In this case, the most notable one is "Sharp As My Mind". He wouldn't initiate a surprise attack unless he had no other recourse. It runs contrary to his motivations and personality. This story thus far doesn't force him into a situation where he needs to make the first strike.