Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Female Human, Sith, Shadow, Krath
Comment

I really enjoyed the concept behind this story. These two worked together as parents, and as Sith, to overcome a nefarious villain and protect their family. Such attachments are definitely the territory of Dark Side users, and I think parental inclinations are an underutilized motivation for choosing the Dark Side. It’s an idea I haven’t yet seen around here.

The story was also chock full of action, demonstrating the capabilities of some pretty powerful Sith. I wanted to know more about Ketcher, and the use of some particular descriptions really set the mood and enlivened some key moments.

At the same time, syntax errors made me slow down and re-read passages. Some parts seemed as if they were more hastily written, while others were obviously combed through meticulously. In addition, there were parts of the story that didn’t necessarily contribute anything (killing groups of faceless NPCs), and I think that the story would have been more powerful and compelling if it were a bit more condensed. I would, specifically, decrease the waves of enemies to slay. It’s more interesting if you have fewer battles, but more dangerous and engaging foes to overcome.

All things considered, this one goes to Andrelious! This is my first time reading a co-op match, and I hope to see more like it. Make sure this couple returns to finish off Ketcher for good!

Hall Cooperative Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Taldryan Military Institute
Last Post 22 March, 2017 11:22 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: Clean syntax, easy to read and pleasing on the eyes. Good proofing. Rationale: Multiple errors with punctuation and formatting. Refer to comments.
Story - 40%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The setting and reason for the conflict are established, and the story is generally easy to follow. A good story idea, but could be enhanced by giving supporting characters more depth. Refer to comments. Rationale: The setting and reason for the conflict are established, and the story is generally easy to follow. A good story idea, but could be enhanced by giving supporting characters more depth. Refer to comments.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple breaks in realism from some questionable NPC behavior, and one instance of using equipment not listed. Rationale: Multiple breaks in realism. Refer to comments.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found. Rationale: No errors found.
Deleted's Score: 3.7 Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Score: 3.4
Posts

You step out onto the training field and squint momentarily as the sunlight hits your face. When your eyes adjust, you look around you and see the trappings common to military campuses - stout buildings with fluttering flags, a paved parade square, and heavily armed battlements. The training field itself is meticulously maintained grass that could easily act as a landing field for dozens of fighters and transports. The horizon is clear of all but trees and the ominous weapons turrets that ring the walls.

The cadets of the Taldryan Military Institute see you, tensing to attention as they notice your battle armour. They are hurriedly ordered off the field by their officers and rush into the safety of the closest buildings. You see the guards in the battlements re-direct their attention from the exterior of the campus to you, but they know not to interfere in the affairs of Jedi.

Without the bustle of the cadets and the barked orders of their officers, the air grows still and even the sounds of animals quiets. You walk to the center of the training field and wait for your opponent

“I still don’t know about this. I thought you told me nobody survived down here,” Kooki said, keeping a hold on her lightsaber.

“The distress signal was clear. With Raiju’s disappearance, I need everyone I can get in Dinaari,” Andrelious answered.

“If you’re finding someone for Dinaari, why am I on the mission with you? Couldn’t you have brought that Aleena? Or one of the veterans?” the Alderaanian asked.

“I already explained. There’s still believed to be Inquisitorius activity on this planet. We needed someone who is capable of acting as one of their agents. You’re the best in the clan at that,” Andrelious explained.

Kooki smiled. She enjoyed hearing her spouse praise her abilities. For the mission ahead, she had disguised herself with a new outfit. Her trademark purple corset gave way to a fairly tight fitting, high necked red jumper, with the Alderaanian also altering her hair colour away from its natural black to a light shade of brown.

Andrelious checked his scanner. It could detect a number of lifeforms nearby, close to the coordinates that was attached to the original distress call.

I’d have thought there’d only be one or two people. Strange that there’s a whole group.

“Can we please get on with it? This place isn’t our home anymore. It’s giving me the creeps just being back here!” Kooki announced.

Andrelious began to reply, but he was cut off as a blaster bolt slammed into the ground between the couple. They both identified it as having been fired from a sniper rifle.

Spotting the sniper, the two Sith activated their lightsabers in perfect unison, charging towards their would-be assailant. The sniper fired another two shots, each of which came a little closer to hitting Andrelious, who appeared to be his primary target.

The sniper had taken position atop the remains of what had once been a set of steps, and had neglected to make any attempt to guard his rear from attack.

Nodding over at her husband, Kooki ran to the left of the sniper’s position, whilst Andrelious strayed to the right. The sniper turned, keeping his rifle pointed in the direction of the Dinaari Aedile, cursing under his breath at his failure to end things quickly. As he continued to track Andrelious, he was caught off-guard as a metal toe-capped boot kicked his weapon’s tripod away.

“Whoops!” Kooki teased. The sniper reached onto the ground for his secondary blaster, but the Alderaanian was faster; she stamped hard on the man’s hand. The bones in the sniper’s fingers shattered beneath the weight of the furious female’s boot.

Crying out in pain, the sniper rolled onto his back, cradling his injured hand in its undamaged counterpart.

“That looks like it hurt. Let me give you something to ease the pain,” Kooki stated in a softer tone.

The sniper looked very perplexed at the change of heart, but he was in such intense agony that he didn’t think twice. He offered his wounded hand to Kooki, but his surprise was quickly replaced by horror as the woman’s lightsaber blade sliced cleanly through his wrist.

“Oh. You’re done already,” Andrelious observed, having arrived on the scene moments earlier. The fallen sniper was laying on the ground, cursing angrily at Kooki. Kneeling down, the Aedile stared straight at his enemy, as if he were trying to hypnotise the man.

“Inquisitorius trap. There’s another four of the bastards nearby,” the former Imperial explained. His Force-based interrogation finished, Andrelious wasted no time in executing the sniper, removing his head with a single slash of his lightsaber blade.

“Any more snipers?” asked the Alderaanian.

“No. And I know who’s behind this little trap. Enoch Ketcher,” Andrelious explained.

Kooki raised an eyebrow. “Enoch Ketcher?”

“He was on the Suffering during the original attack. I don’t know much about him, other than that he’s another Grand Inquisitor. Seemed to take particular exception to the fact that I remained loyal to the clan,” the former Imperial continued.

“If there’s nobody here other than this Ketcher and his underlings, I suggest we just leave!” Kooki demanded.

Andrelious nodded in agreement. The two Sith descended back down to ground level.

“You’re not seriously going to leave already? I’ve only just begun to get to know you!” a male voice boomed.

Andrelious recognised the voice immediately. “Enoch Ketcher. Actually taking part this time?” he hissed.

“That will depend. I don’t like to get my hands dirty, these days,” Ketcher answered. “You’ve already dealt with one of my men, but don’t you worry. I’ve still got plenty of backup!”

“Backup or not, you’ve bitten off more than you can chew, Ketcher!” Kooki snarled.

“Ah. The real power in the Mimosa-Inahj family. I almost want to take you one-on-one. For now, though, you’ll have to make do,” the Inquisitor stated coolly.

As Ketcher spoke, a female Twi’lek and a male Human, both dressed in the familiar clothing of members of the Inquisitorius, appeared from behind a pile of rubble.

“Corinna and Drent here have heard that you two think you’re good with your lightsabers. They’d like you to prove it,” Ketcher declared as his allies activated their lightsabers. Without further discussion, the Grand Inquisitor began to walk away from the scene.

Readying themselves, Andrelious and Kooki glanced over at each other.

You take him. I’ll take her.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 1 April, 2017 7:48 PM UTC

Syntax

Good job with the syntax on this post, it was clear and easy to read!

Story

This is great for setting the mood. A single line of dialogue that paints the scene as uneasy. Of course, you missed a good chance to use "I've got a bad feeling about this." Ha!

“I still don’t know about this. I thought you told me nobody survived down here,” Kooki said, keeping a hold on her lightsaber.

Realism

Make sure you don’t make use of equipment not listed on the CS for the match. There are no loadouts used, and only weapons are listed in the match details. No type of other equipment is listed.

Andrelious checked his scanner. It could detect a number of lifeforms nearby, close to the coordinates that was attached to the original distress call.

The hardened operative tasked with assassinating two Sith just rolls over and offers up his hand? Especially if they're INQ agents, this is unlikely. Adrenaline probably dulls a lot of the pain for a trained combatant. He's more likely to fight for his life than roll over and offer his crushed hand to his assailant. Self preservation is a pretty powerful instinct.

The sniper looked very perplexed at the change of heart, but he was in such intense agony that he didn’t think twice. He offered his wounded hand to Kooki…

An awkward silence resonated between the foursome, unsure who would make the first move. The pupils of Kooki’s eyes darted left, right and centre trying to spot her enemies’ first move. She could tell this was going to be quite a challenge, however not only did the Alderaanian enjoy a fresh challenge, but she was also rather infuriated at being back on Karufr again after all that had happened here previously. Even the air in this mostly desolate site of destruction, smelt of betrayal, loss, sadness and bitterness. Not that long ago Kooki had witnessed another home crumble to dust before her eyes, along with the bodies of innocent civilians falling at the feet of the Iron Legion following the commands of a traitor.

Andrelious could feel his spouse’s unease, but he had faith in her duelling abilities. He took a few steps back as his own apprehensions began kicking in.

I’ll take HER instead. Nothing like a bit of girl-on-girl! Grinned Kooki as she telepathically sent a message to Andrelious and giving him a cheeky look.

Noticing their enemies’ slight hesitation, Corinna engaged and lunged her saber blade towards Kooki. However, the quick-witted Alderaanian swiftly cast her glare at the female opposite her and blocked the attack.

The anger began building within Andrelious and he thrust his scarlet blade towards the upper arm of Drent. The opposing male seemed quite stunned by this move and took a couple of steps back, yet failed to block the attack in time, which resulted in a wounded bicep. The male Inquisitor yowled out in pain, but was enraged enough to continue duelling and refused to let Enoch Ketcher down.

Corinna managed to keep her focus and almost block out her fellow teammate’s cries of pain. She became even angrier too and was surprisingly feisty. She swooped her emerald blade towards Kooki. Her wrist was very supple and she manipulated her hilt to her advantage and was competently able to block and attack within quick succession. It was a tough match, even for Kooki’s secret trademark ambidextrous move.

Being within such close proximity of two hot-blooded duelling females instilled nervousness in Andrelious and Drent who were trying to maintain their focus. Despite lacking in height and being significantly shorter than his opponent, the Warlord managed to use this to his advantage and attack areas on Drent’s body that may have been harder to reach had he been taller. He was trying to resist the urge to project Force Lightning onto the Inquisitor before him, as he was full of venom and desiring serving up the ultimate revenge.

Save your energy, babe. Save it for Ketcher!

Kooki knew from past experiences her spouse would have been a little too enthusiastic to use his Force power in excess and exhaust himself. Right now they both needed to attack, but carefully as to preserve their ultimate aggression. Andrelious was conflicted, but deep down knew that Kooki was right once again and obediently obliged.

Suddenly Drent retracted his saber blade, as he and his foe heard Corinna’s voice sounding like a croaky whisper. As much as he wanted to continue duelling, he had vowed to protect her and defend the remaining Inquisitors at any cost. He started to intervene, but Andrelious elbowed him sharply in his stomach. Gasping for breath at being winded, Drent collapsed to the floor, speeding up his breathing to try and get back onto his feet as soon as possible. Andrelious deactivated his saber blade and eagerly watched his spouse interrogate her new enemy.

Kooki held Corinna against the wall with the Force, whilst her amethyst blade was hovering by the female Inquisitor’s throat.

“Now! Where is he?! Where is Ketcher hiding?” an enraged Kooki demanded.

“I don’t have to tell you that,” Corinna managed to utter, her voice still not much more than a croaking hush.

“Ok…” Kooki quietened, as she moved her saber blade away from Corinna’s throat, but still held her onto the wall firmly.

Her rival started to feel slightly relaxed.

“Tell me, do you have a family?” the female Sith asked.

“Umm…no…” stuttered the nervous Twi’lek.

Kooki resumed the previous position of her lightsaber blade, this time closer to the throat of the traitorous enemy before her.

“Then I don’t have to let you live!” Kooki hissed.

“H…h…he’s…” stammered Corinna, who suddenly felt very holistically weak.

“DON’T TELL THEM!” boomed Drent from the ground.

His female counterpart refused to speak, but as Kooki’s blade drew closer, she could almost feel the warmth of this bright lilac light approaching her. The pupils in Corinna’s hazel eyes moved to the right. It may have been slight, but Kooki noticed and retracted her lightsaber blade.

“This way!!!” she exclaimed excitedly, leaving her opponent to collapse in a mixture of fear and shock.

Drent was angry at Corinna’s betrayal and looked over at her scolding her under his breath. Yet seeing her so shaken, he actually felt sorry for her having gone through such an ordeal. But he refused to let the Sith couple escape freely. He tried to get to his feet, but his ribs still felt badly bruised from Andrelious’ surprisingly sharp elbow attack.

Drent reached out both of his hands and with each one grabbed the outer legs of both Andrelious and Kooki. The unsuspecting couple fell helplessly to the ground and Kooki’s hidden blaster slid out and across the floor, just a couple of feet out of reach. Luckily they both remained relatively unscathed, yet Drent was smugly cackling to himself. Corinna was now smiling rather pleased at the small mercy of revenge.

“HA! For us. For KETCHER!” Drent boasted loudly and proudly.

Not one to admit defeat, Kooki reached out her hand towards her blaster. Closing her eyes briefly, she concentrated hard and soon her trustworthy weapon was in her right hand. Drent was far too busy laughing to notice. With a sudden pull of a trigger, a blaster bolt shot through the air and plunged conveniently into Corinna’s head. Bursting through her cranium and damaging several brain tissues along the way, she slowly began bleeding and her respiratory system also began to slow.

Drent screamed out as his closest companion was slowly dying before his eyes. He managed to get to his feet and headed towards a now standing Kooki and Andrelious. He fumbled about on his side and reached for his hilt, but his injury and grief were just too much to make him as swift as he normally was. Kooki outstretched her left hand aggressively causing Drent’s head to fall back. She may not have broken any bones in his neck, but now his throat was fully exposed. A well-prepared Andrelious gleefully plunged his lightsaber blade into the centre of the uncovered skin.

Drent’s burst windpipe slowly began suffocating him. Corinna’s heart began to cardiac arrest.

Andrelious deactivated his lightsaber blade and clasped his hand into Kooki’s. The couple looked at each other and then at their slowly dying enemies.

“For Mimosa-Inahj!” they chorused in unison, as they headed off to locate Enoch Ketcher and finish their business on Karufr once and for all.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 1 April, 2017 7:49 PM UTC

Syntax

Be careful about syntax. The “G” here should be lowercase, following the telepathic dialogue. Also, it is generally preferable to stick to a single choice of tense. This sounds odd, mixing past tense (sent) with present tense (and giving him). Could sound better as "and gave him a cheeky look." Or, perhaps, a comma after "Andrelious," instead of "and" to connect the actions.

I’ll take HER instead. Nothing like a bit of girl-on-girl! Grinned Kooki as she telepathically sent a message to Andrelious and giving him a cheeky look.

Watch out for run-on sentences, connected with multiple “ands.” I would have written, perhaps: "Her wrist was very supple, and she manipulated the weapon's hilt to her advantage. Her ability to block and attack in quick succession reflected particular competence." This separates the ideas, and also adds drama by describing just how good her opponent is (although that is a Story point, anyway).

Her wrist was very supple and she manipulated her hilt to her advantage and was competently able to block and attack within quick succession.

Use commas to break up long sentences, which provides pause for the reader to process ideas. For example: "Being within such close proximity of two hot-blooded, dueling females instilled nervousness in Andrelious and Drent, who were trying to maintain their focus."

Being within such close proximity of two hot-blooded duelling females instilled nervousness in Andrelious and Drent who were trying to maintain their focus.

"Cardiac arrest" isn't a verb in the sense that something can "cardiac arrest." Maybe "heart began to seize in cardiac arrest" would be better?

Corinna’s heart began to cardiac arrest.

Story

Loved this description. It is a short but dense nod to offscreen events. A sense of tragedy is evoked, and this helps create a dark mood. I can picture the massacred beings at the feet of expressionless regiments, wordlessly brandishing their weapons. Well done.

Even the air in this mostly desolate site of destruction, smelt of betrayal, loss, sadness and bitterness. Not that long ago Kooki had witnessed another home crumble to dust before her eyes, along with the bodies of innocent civilians falling at the feet of the Iron Legion following the commands of a traitor.

Realism

Why would she let her assassin live? Her CS states that she tortures her enemies. She sounds brutal. Why let her would-be murderer live? This doesn’t seem reflect her character aspects, and that’s a Realism detractor.

The pupils in Corinna’s hazel eyes moved to the right. It may have been slight, but Kooki noticed and retracted her lightsaber blade.

“This way!!!” she exclaimed excitedly, leaving her opponent to collapse in a mixture of fear and shock.

Assuming there’s a reason they are left alive to this point, why do the INQ agents trip them and lay there giggling about it? They aren't concerned with escaping certain death? Using the moment to try to regain posture? They work for the INQ - tripping people does not seem like the "revenge?" an INQ assassin seeks. I would expect INQ agents to go much further than pulling some legs and laughing about it.

Drent reached out both of his hands and with each one grabbed the outer legs of both Andrelious and Kooki. The unsuspecting couple fell helplessly to the ground and Kooki’s hidden blaster slid out and across the floor, just a couple of feet out of reach. Luckily they both remained relatively unscathed, yet Drent was smugly cackling to himself. Corinna was now smiling rather pleased at the small mercy of revenge.

A blaster bolt through the head, tearing through the skull and brain tissue, is instant death.

With a sudden pull of a trigger, a blaster bolt shot through the air and plunged conveniently into Corinna’s head. Bursting through her cranium and damaging several brain tissues along the way, she slowly began bleeding and her respiratory system also began to slow.

A lighsaber through the center of the throat would have severed the spine, nerves and tissues connecting the brain to the body, and then some. No slow suffocation here - he’s dead.

Kooki outstretched her left hand aggressively causing Drent’s head to fall back. She may not have broken any bones in his neck, but now his throat was fully exposed. A well-prepared Andrelious gleefully plunged his lightsaber blade into the centre of the uncovered skin.

Drent’s burst windpipe slowly began suffocating him.

As the Mimosa-Inahj couple reached out with the Force in an attempt to find Ketcher, Kooki sensed a feeling of uneasiness from her spouse.

“You’re hiding something about Ketcher. Tell me!” the Alderaanian snapped.

“It’s probably nothing, but, when I first met Ketcher, during the attack on Karufr, the way he was talking about me being a father. He seemed particularly interested in finding the twins,” Andrelious replied.

Kooki’s eyebrows furrowed. “You didn’t think to tell me that he knew about our children?”

“If I had told you, you would have tried to seek him out. Enoch Ketcher is a very dangerous individual. I wanted to make sure we could take him on together,” the Aedile explained, a tinge of fear in his voice.

“I don’t need you to decide who I’m capable of dealing with! We’ll talk about this later!” Kooki hissed.

Andrelious didn’t get a chance to reply. He spotted a trio of Iron Legion soldiers approaching. He didn’t say anything; he knew exactly how his spouse would react.

Sure enough, the fuming female charged at the armour-clad soldiers. Her purple blade cleaved almost effortlessly through her targets, who vainly fired their blasters.

Stupid bucketheads. Andrelious thought.

“Coming?” Kooki asked, not bothering to check if her latest victims were actually dead.

Andrelious followed obediently, also ignoring the fallen enemies. Since he had revealed Ketcher’s apparent interest in the twins, he could feel anger and hatred surging through Kooki.

“Wait!” the Seeker called out.

“What now? Are those little legs of yours tired?” Kooki snapped.

“Hardly. Look over there. Assassin droids. I’ll bet Ketcher’s had them searching Karufr since the attack,” Andrelious explained.

“So? They’re no more useful to him than those useless bucketheads! Come on!” the Alderaanian continued.

As Kooki moved closer to the droids, they spotted her and began peppering the area with blaster fire. The Shadow backpedalled as fast as she could, nearly pulling Andrelious over when she grabbed his shoulder to get him to follow.

“Let’s try something else!” Andrelious declared as he noticed the droids beginning to move towards them.

Holding his hands up, the Dinaari Aedile tossed his lightsaber away. Kooki, quickly understanding what her husband was doing, followed suit.

The droids continued their approach, but lowered their blasters. They moved into formation around the Mimosa-Inahj couple, who were forced to stand back-to-back.

“So. My droids are too much for you?” a voice questioned. Andrelious and Kooki craned their necks to spot a man dressed in a technician’s coveralls.

“I would have loved to have added the two of you to the list of prisoners that my droids are responsible for capturing, but I’m afraid I have my orders. Still, a firing squad is pleasing enough,” the man continued, signalling to the droids.

As the droids raised their weapons, the two Sith didn’t move. It was only as their would-be executioners squeezed the triggers on their blasters that they acted. They leapt in the air together, the Force carrying them high into the air and away from the droids, who promptly fired directly into each other. On the way down, both husband and wife summoned their lightsabers back to their hands. Once they landed, they turned on the technician, who was standing open mouthed at what he’d just witnessed.

“Frakking predictable droids,” Kooki hissed, wasting no time in cutting the man down.

“I think Ketcher’s probably going to try and get away from the planet. For all his bluster, I’ve got no idea if he can actually fight,” Andrelious explained.

“So he wasn’t even down on the planet before? He sounds rather like an Imperial commander. Sure you’re not old friends?” Kooki sneered.

Andrelious ignored the barb and began to visually scan the area, looking for signs of Ketcher. He spotted movement near a JV-7 shuttle.

“Let’s go!” he shouted, beginning to sprint towards the ship.

It did not take the couple long to reach the shuttle. Sure enough, Enoch Ketcher was standing on its boarding ramp.

“So you want to take me on? I’ll remember to tell your children what happened to their parents!” Ketcher declared, smirking.

The threat was too much for Kooki. She charged in, a murderous glint in her eye. Andrelious got ready to follow, but the Grand Inquisitor was already engaging Kooki with a pair of his own lightsabers, forcing the Alderaanian immediately onto the defensive.

“You think two blades will save you, Ketcher?” Kooki hissed.

Andrelious entered the fray, attempting to drive his saber into his enemy’s back. Spinning around, Ketcher easily blocked the attack, but the distraction gave Kooki a chance to go on an offensive of her own. She tried to smash her blade past those of her target, but Ketcher easily parried the attack.

“You’re not leaving this planet again!” Ketcher taunted. Tossing one of his lightsabers to the ground, he extended an arm towards Kooki. The Alderaanian was flung away at speed, landing a dozen feet away from the Inquisitor.

“Man-to-man. Time you stopped letting your wife do all the work!” Ketcher snarled.

Though he was worried about Kooki, Andrelious had no time to check on her. Enoch Ketcher was on the attack.

Kooki opened her eyes. Her left arm hurt from the impact, but she had just about managed to avoid any further injuries from having landed as neatly as the situation allowed. Seeing Andrelious struggling, she climbed to her feet.

Time to end this!

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 1 April, 2017 7:54 PM UTC

Syntax

Nice, clean syntax - a sign of time invested in proofing. Great work.

Story

Why only three? Why are they approaching? Are they in pursuit? Attached to a mixed unit with the INQ? On patrol? Where did they come from? I don’t understand the significance - how did killing these NPCs affect the story? If you give them significance, then the actions of your character will be significant, too.

Andrelious didn’t get a chance to reply. He spotted a trio of Iron Legion soldiers approaching. He didn’t say anything; he knew exactly how his spouse would react.

Sure enough, the fuming female charged at the armour-clad soldiers. Her purple blade cleaved almost effortlessly through her targets, who vainly fired their blasters.

I heard this officer speaking in core-accented Galactic, personally. His method of speaking describes much about his character. Many people forget that speech patterns can paint a vivid picture of a character. Good work.

“I would have loved to have added the two of you to the list of prisoners that my droids are responsible for capturing, but I’m afraid I have my orders. Still, a firing squad is pleasing enough,” the man continued, signalling to the droids.

Realism

It seems that standing in formation directly in the line of blaster fire from the others is predictable, too. Aren't these assassin droids? Mathematically programmed for combat? Assassination units are generally not quite as simple as Separatist war droids. They are built to assess small details very quickly, and strategize. They wouldn't have done anything else but stand directly in front of bolt paths?

“Frakking predictable droids,” Kooki hissed, wasting no time in cutting the man down.

Now on her feet, Kooki swiftly joined her spouse in the challenging duel against Ketcher. Surely two feisty people was going to prove difficult for this Grand Inquisitor. The revelation of their new foe taking an interest in their children just made Kooki even angrier and more determined to overthrow him.

Ketcher was swinging his lightsabers and managing to almost simultaneously block and attack Andrelious. She noticed her spouse was predictably aiming his attacks on their opponent’s upper body. Using this to her advantage, the female lunged towards their new enemy’s thigh, which as hoped, caused him to buckle downwards and fall to his knees. As his was scrabbling to his feet, Kooki wasted no time in mocking his downfall.

“Getting tired yet, Ketcher?” she teased.

“Never!” Enoch Ketcher scowled back.

“Bet all those restless nights with your children must take their toll on your health, Mimosa!” he continued to try and provoke Kooki’s maternal temper.

“Leave MY girls out of this!” the Alderaanian mother yelled.

“What? Your girls you left behind? Anything could be happening to them right now? You can’t protect them every minute of every day you know? The Grand Inquisitor taunted, whilst igniting his sabers once more. Kooki had slyly observed Ketcher’s saber skills and had noticed as skilful as he was and how menacing he tried to portray himself to be two weapons, he clearly had a dominant hand. She had always been one to manage to spot weakness, even in the toughest of situations and this skill tended to emerge when she was full of maternal rage. The love of her daughters and urge to protect them at all costs somehow gave her the ability to spy deficiencies in those against her. His left wrist movements were slightly weaker than those of his right counterpart. Andrelious continued to move his saber in an attempt to block the Grand Inquisitor from wounding him.

Suddenly, Ketcher swung his dominant hand and lunged his weapon towards Andrelious’ chest who tried in vain to shield his lungs from being punctured by moving his arm across his upper torso. In doing so, his enemy’s blade sliced into the Sith’s lower arm resulting in a nasty burn wound through his wrist. Luckily he retracted his blade just before it entered the lungs. However, the hilt belonging to the male Mimosa-Inahj, was now rolling beside his feet and he was in pain.

Moving her hand and foot out in unison, Kooki managed to push Andrelious out of the way into the side wall, and save his lightsaber with her steel-toe capped boots.

“You stay out of harm’s way, babe!” Kooki ordered.

“He’s mine to finish. I’ll be the one to end him!” she bellowed.

Enoch Ketcher just stood there armed with his two trusty weapons opposite Kooki laughing cockily and mocking her.

“Since it’s just the two of us now, I’ll put this one away.” Teased the male foe, throwing his saber hilt from his weaker hand to the floor, but kept it within reach.

The feisty female wasted very little time and threw her trusty hilt into her left hand and spun around and swept her amethyst blade left and right in quick succession, trying to confuse Ketcher. With a clean sweep of her lightsaber, the amethyst blade sliced through Ketcher's wrist. His hand fell to the floor with an echoing thud and dust flew into the air, as he groaned out in pain. He fell to his knees in an attempt to locate his other saber, refusing to give in. Whilst the male counterpart scuttled around on the floor, Kooki moved her leg back and with a sharp kick in the back of his head from her steel-toe capped boot, Enoch Ketcher fell unconscious. Without saying anything, Kooki picked up her spouse’s hilt and gestured a hand to him to help him to his feet. For a few moments nothing was said between them.

Looking at the seemingly lifeless body on the floor a few feet away from him, Andrelious could barely manage to speak.

“Wow!” he gushed.

Kooki smiled.

“I think we are done here.” She mused, and held out her arm to her shorter husband.

Andrelious merely nodded.

The Mimosa-Inahj couple linked arms and began walking away to head back from whence they came.

Just before they disappeared completely out of sight of the fight scene, Kooki glanced over her shoulder.

“IT’S OVER, KETCHER…IT’S OVER!” she yelled, and began laughing.

Andrelious smiled.

“You're a little scary sometimes, you know that? Brilliant... but scary.” He exclaimed.

Kooki smiled.


Meanwhile…

Two eyelids flickered open.

“Over for now…” stuttered a croaky voice.

Kookimarissia and Andrelious Mimosa-Inahj had made a powerful enemy in Enoch Ketcher. And they had got away with it…

But for how long?

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 1 April, 2017 8:03 PM UTC

Syntax

Be careful to close your quotes correctly, to signify that dialogue has ended. Minor, but small oversights do add up. In a close match, syntax can make the difference.

“What? Your girls you left behind? Anything could be happening to them right now? You can’t protect them every minute of every day you know? The Grand Inquisitor taunted

This passage is difficult to follow. The sentence goes on for quite awhile before a pause, and is missing words. I might rewrite it as: “Kooki observed Ketcher’s saber skills closely, a palpable menace radiating from the man. Despite obvious skill with twin blades, he clearly favored one hand over the other.” Don’t be afraid to break up ideas and rearrange them. Using sentence breaks, commas, and variations on thought will make information easier to process for the reader.

Kooki had slyly observed Ketcher’s saber skills and had noticed as skilful as he was and how menacing he tried to portray himself to be two weapons, he clearly had a dominant hand.

There’s a lot going on here, and it resulted in a run-on sentence. Use commas to pause between ideas.

Suddenly, Ketcher swung his dominant hand and lunged his weapon towards Andrelious’ chest who tried in vain to shield his lungs from being punctured by moving his arm across his upper torso.

Another instance of a run-on sentence. The comma break that you did include is relieving for the reader, who needs to process all the information.

The feisty female wasted very little time and threw her trusty hilt into her left hand and spun around and swept her amethyst blade left and right in quick succession, trying to confuse Ketcher.

Story

I like the technical description of the tactics used to attack the “Big Bad.” Ketcher looks competent, handling a pair of Sith who must work together to defeat him. Facing difficult odds is a great story, and describing the special strategy used to overcome the obstacle is a great technique for adding depth to characters and conflicts.

Ketcher was swinging his lightsabers and managing to almost simultaneously block and attack Andrelious. She noticed her spouse was predictably aiming his attacks on their opponent’s upper body. Using this to her advantage, the female lunged towards their new enemy’s thigh, which as hoped, caused him to buckle downwards and fall to his knees. As his was scrabbling to his feet, Kooki wasted no time in mocking his downfall.

Realism

Why did these two Sith, who are said to brutally torture and kill their enemies (according to each CS), allow this man to live via a nonlethal maneuver? Did he not threaten the lives of their children? Nearly kill Andrelious? Seems like she would have made sure he was dead.

Whilst the male counterpart scuttled around on the floor, Kooki moved her leg back and with a sharp kick in the back of his head from her steel-toe capped boot, Enoch Ketcher fell unconscious.

They just get up and leave? Andrelious was wounded during the combat, his wrist being punctured instead of his body. Why wouldn’t she treat him immediately? Doesn’t it hurt? Shouldn’t they both be tired after such a grueling sequence of continuous battles?

The Mimosa-Inahj couple linked arms and began walking away to head back from whence they came.

Just before they disappeared completely out of sight of the fight scene, Kooki glanced over her shoulder.

“IT’S OVER, KETCHER…IT’S OVER!” she yelled, and began laughing.