Andrelious found that the Atlatl attack was a little more effective than he first thought. Rearing back, the Sith went to go all-in, but as he shifted his weight, he realised that his shin was badly bruised by the Gungan’s improvised melee weapon.
Furious that the supposedly primitive alien had managed to hurt him with such apparent ease, Mimosa-Inahj assaulted his attacker with a wave of Force lightning, knocking the Gungan off his feet. Without hesitation, the Aedile finished off his fallen enemy, his lightsaber easily cutting through the local’s neck.
Looking in the direction of his companion, Andrelious noticed Drake was attracting plenty of attention. The tiny alien was doing his best to dip, dive and dodge out of the way, but the Sith suspected that it would not be long before a Gungan was able to land a telling blow. He was very pleased to see Justinios handling his newly acquired lightsaber so well; the Aleena was more a man of science than a fighter.
Rushing towards his companion, the Aedile tried to move in between the Gungans and Justinios, but one of the locals saw the approaching Sith and moved his electropole into Andrelious’ path.
“Yousa going no further!” the Gungan shouted.
“I will go where I like!” Andrelious snapped, raising his free hand. With seemingly little effort, the Sith commanded the Force to hurl the Gungan into an entry portal with such speed that he was forced through the hydrostatic force field. The alien quickly adapted to the water, choosing to swim to another nearby compartment rather than attempt to rejoin the battle.
Meanwhile Justinios, who was still pinned down, continued to evade the remaining Gungans’ attacks, though he was starting to show signs that he was tiring. Stepping into the battle, Andrelious allowed the Force to guide his movements, quickly taking over the initiative. The Sith disarmed two Gungans with two faster slashes, before chopping the third attacker’s hands clean off as he charged at Andrelious with an Atlatl.
“At least you’ve not killed them, this time,” Drake observed, surveying the scene.
“I’m thinking that we may have to abandon this endeavour. I was hoping that the death toll would convince the locals to buy us off, but they’re just throwing more and more at us. Besides, the weapons here are pretty primitive. Are you sure they defeated a droid army?” Andrelious questioned.
The Aleena frowned. “I was thinking more about their shielding technologies. Imagine if we were able to build a city much like this one somewhere, and...”
“That would require finding somewhere suitable, gathering together enough material AND getting the Gungans to show us how to build it. We wouldn’t have had much chance at that before we arrived. Now that we’ve slain half of their army, it’s definitely not going to happen,” the Aedile replied.
“Alright. Can we at least see if they’ve got anything on the Force in their archives? Given how isolated they are from the rest of Naboo, it’s possible that they have a different angle on it,” Drake stated.
“I’ve told you. You won’t learn about the Force by reading about it. You learn about the Force by mastering it,” Andrelious sighed.
“Yousa do mui mui talking!” one of the defeated Gungans commented.
“One thing I have to question. You said they’re going to keep attacking us. Why haven’t they sent anything else?” Justinios asked, trying his best to ignore the local.
“That’s why we need to get out of here. I don’t know the exact nature of these force-fields. Just suppose, Drake, that we did build one of these cities. With what we know of the Iron Legion, what is the most obvious way that we’d be able to defend ourselves in the case of invasion?” the Sith queried.
Justinios’ eyes widened as if he’d just made a massive breakthrough in one of his experiments.
“Well, I guess I would make sure that the force-fields can be disabled. Seal the Iron Legion in and, and..” the Aleena trailed off as he noticed Andrelious staring at a wall and frowning.
Moments later, the hydrostatic walls shimmered out of existence. The cold waters of Lake Paonga rushed in, forcing the two Dinaari members to hold their breath and begin swimming towards the nearest dry compartment.
As Andrelious swam towards safety, he spotted one of the Gungans’ bongos docked to the side of his chosen compartment. He also noticed that the locals had assembled a welcoming party of half a dozen members of the Gungan Grand Army.
Reaching the compartment’s entry portal, the Dinaari Aedile turned to see that Justinios was struggling. Even with the Force helping him, the Aleena’s tiny lungs were almost completely emptied of their reserves of air.
Andrelious had only a few moments to act. Focusing entirely on his companion, he reached out to the Force, almost imploring it to pull Drake towards him. The Sith allowed himself a little smirk as Justinios sped past and through the portal. He followed moments later, knowing that there would be no time to catch his breath. He re-activated his lightsaber, preparing himself for the inevitable fight.
Just start moving towards the bongo. If anyone gets too close, you know what to do. There’s no time for science now, Drake.
The Aleena nodded in response, readying his own lightsaber.
“Yousa moi done for now!” one of the Gungans cried, charging at Justinios. The former professor prepared himself for a fight, but Andrelious intercepted the incoming local, his crimson blade ruthlessly severing the Gungan’s head.
Drake saw his opportunity and sprinted away, followed by his slower and heavier companion. His short legs made the distance between himself and the bongo seem much greater, but, with a sigh that was part relief and part exhaustion, the Aleena finally leapt into the submersible, turning to see if Andrelious was still behind him. Sure enough, the Sith was still heading towards the bongo, pursued by the remaining Gungan soldiers.
Reaching the docking port, Andrelious moved to enter the bongo, but, as he looked behind him to check on his enemy, he noticed that one of them was carrying a booma on the end of her Atlatl. Flicking it towards the Aedile, the Gungan and her colleagues backed away.
Justinios closed his eyes, too afraid to watch. He heard the booma impacting on the ground, and Andrelious crying out in pain. Moments later, he felt the bongo start to move off.
“I’m going to need help moving this damn thing, Drake! That energy ball of theirs is pretty potent. I’ll need medical assistance once we get back to the surface. Just don’t make me do anything that involves moving my feet!” Mimosa-Inahj ordered.
“Yousa just sit tight!” Justinios quipped.
Ignoring the remark, Andrelious continued to pilot the bongo away from Otoh Gunga.
The two men of Dinaari had failed.
Syntax
The “as to” here is very awkward to read, and would be better as just “of.”
Here it should read Gungans’ with an apostrophe.
The issue here is rather minor, but still a detractor. This bit of dialogue, and the remainder of the paragraph, should be merged with the preceding one, given that both are devoted to Andrelious talking rather than a switch between the two characters.
As before, Gungans’ with an apostrophe is necessary here.
This sentence needs a bit of punctuation editing: a comma after “push,” and a period after “open” to make a new sentence out of the second independent clause. Also, I believe “subtly” is the word you were looking for; not “subtlety.”
Here it should be “Force lightning.” The Force is space-wizard mojo; force is physics.
Should be “was watch.” Breaks the past-tense rule as well as switches it mid-sentence.
Story
This is not a detractor for the grading scale, but using the character’s full name and title can be a little off-putting unless there is a reason for stating the entire thing. As is, it breaks up the flow of the reading somewhat.
Good job on explaining the “why” of the story here. Given Justinios’ intellectual background though, a supply run seems rather out of place, especially given the 1) travel distance for these supplies, and 2) lack of information on what these “supplies” are; Naboo isn’t exactly known for being a major exporter of… anything, really.
Realism
The pair had been talking to each other from different cells, in Basic, which is understandable by even the average Gungan; that’s not even taking into account the very audible volume that would have reached their ears. Minor detractor.
I would also question how he was able to see this from within his own cell (this is not explained at all in your post), but as it is, this “blue blur” only has an Athletics +3 and Might +1. If Drake was using his Amplification, there is a distinct lack of description to indicate it. Minor detractor.
I am not calling this a detractor simply because I can see the slimmest plausibility of this working. However, with Drake’s previously mentioned stats in mind, plus his whopping 55kg of total body mass and whopping +1 in K’thri, it is only the slimmest possibility that Drake could manage this maneuver on a trained prison guard that is much, much larger than he. Be careful with these displays.
Synopsis
Pretty good first post. You covered the who, what, where, when, and why (for the most part) without too much issue in syntax. I’d recommend one or two more go-overs in the proofing phase, as your errors were somewhat consistent. The story element suffered little, as I was only left wondering what sort of “supplies” they could find with Gungans that could be so crucial. What hit you most was realism, and to that end I want to point out: NPCs still have skills relevant to their cultures and professions. The entire fight scene had a handful of guards (that come from a warrior culture) utterly befuddled and defeated without either Drake or Andrelious breaking a sweat despite being unarmed and using only one visible instance of Force powers.