Ranger Azha Mos vs. Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris

Ranger Azha Mos

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Mirialan, Jedi, Seeker, Sentinel
vs.

Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist, Consular
Comment

This match presented you with a double challenge: to write a conflict of Odanite against Odanite and Force user against non-Force user, and you both rose admirably to the occasion! Both of you had interesting ideas on where to take the story, though you still have room to make those ideas truly effective.

Neither made any huge Syntax mistakes. You each had some repeated errors, which a patient proofread might help to fix. Azha had some inconsistencies with capitalisation, apostrophes and spelling, while Lithar’s most frequent issue was with the use of articles (a, the).

You both went for a non-standard plot and you engaged in a series of exciting combat scenes, though I felt the brevity of some of your posts prevented you from giving full substance to the story. Azha, both your posts explore the characters’ reactions to the battle, and you concluded the story with neither participant getting quite what they wanted, which was a nice unconventional finish. In your last post particularly, it felt like you could have delved much more deeply into the characters’ motivations and emotional responses. You were going in the right direction, you just needed to flesh out the combat and allow your ideas about the emotional conflict to develop alongside. Lithar, your story had a very promising start. A turncoat Odanite is a very stimulating idea for an ACC battle, and had you kept it up it would have made for an engaging read. However, you didn’t carry the idea forward, and in the end it didn’t pan out in your posts. Another aspect to think about is how these motivating factors relate to Lithar and Azha specifically, their personalities and their backgrounds. This is what can make a battle feel personal for the two combatants.

Both of you had a similar Realism issue in your last posts, relating to how heavy use of the Force causes fatigue and exhaustion. Lithar, by post three of the match Azha had used both Stasis and Barrier, which are both very exacting in terms of energy, and this should have been reflected in how he then used Telekinesis in your post. Azha, in a way you strayed too far in the opposite direction. Your descriptions of the strain of drawing upon the Force were well-written, but at the very end you had Azha pass out from exhaustion. In the ACC Staff channel we could not find examples of this happening purely because of Force usage, without some physical injury to back it up. It wasn’t an impossible idea, but it needed more contributing factors to happen realistically.

This was a close match on many levels, but in the end Azha’s dedication to both the physical and emotional conflict gave him the edge in Story. Congratulations Azha Mos!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Azha Mos, Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris
Winner Ranger Azha Mos
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Azha Mos's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 1 February, 2017 12:29 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Principally issues with the use of articles (a, the), see the comments for a few examples. On the whole, nothing that stops you conveying the meaning of your text. Rationale: Some spelling errors and issues with the use of the apostrophe, the rest are minor issues.
Story - 40%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Your first post had potential. You outlined reason and motive there, but you didn’t carry it through to your second post. You had some good combat scenes in there; fleshing them out with the characters’ drives and motives will make them meaningful to the reader. Rationale: Your first post expanded upon the motivations behind the combat. You took ownership of the plot in your final post, and you wrote an interesting conclusion, though the post was light on combat. Overall, a good plot with the potential to be more if it was fleshed out.
Realism - 25%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A problem in your second post relating to fatigue and the use of Force powers. See comments. Rationale: One issue in your last post with overestimating the effect of fatigue caused by the use of the Force. See comments.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Xantros Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I could find Rationale: No issues I could find
Adept Xantros's Score: 3.25 Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.65
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended 'arena'. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris entered Hangar Zerek through the only easily accessible entrance to the hangar, which was the control booth. The human went down to the central part of the hangar, when he heard a noise coming from upper parts of the hangar. He looked at the source of sounds and noticed Ranger Azha Mos, a member of Battleteam Knights of Alusis of House Hoth of Clan Odan-Urr, following his steps. "Finally," thought Lithar Andaris.

The Ranger approached his companion from the light side oriented Clan and asked, "I must admit that Edgar was quite vague, when providing me the details of this mission. What are we doing here?"

"I am not sure myself," answered the Lieutenant Colonel. "All I know is that there is going to be an important meeting conducted here."

"How nice," spoke Azha Mos. "I really love such missions."

"Do you?" asked Lithar Andaris with a nasty smile. "I hope that you will agree to follow my plan."

"What exactly is it?" asked the Ranger and turned around to look at his companion as he felt something disturbing in human's mind. It was something that the Mirialan did not like at all.

"The plan is that you die here," spoke the Lieutenant Colonel. "You, the Jedi, have seriously disappointed me. I hoped you to be better, more courageous and noble than other beings, but the only thing you can do is hide in a secluded star system, which cannot be accessed by forces that are hostile to you."

"You have chosen this place for a particular purpose, right?" asked Azha Mos.

"You are correct. I have decided to kill you here, as it is the flagship of the Shroud Syndicate. Your dead body will be a proof that my loyalty truly lies at the Dark Council. This is why they have allowed us to come here so easily. None of us will leave it for long. I choose to stay here on my own will, but you will have no choice," explained Lithar Andaris with a nasty grin.

The human quickly took out his BlasTech DH-17 Blaster Pistol from a holster, quickly aimed at his former companion and shot at him. However, the Ranger managed to jump away without difficulties, as the Force gave him a warning that Lithar Andaris was going to shoot few seconds before it happened.

Korroth, 9 February, 2017 11:49 AM UTC

Syntax

he heard a noise coming from [the] upper parts of the hangar.

He looked at the source of [the] sounds

he felt something disturbing in [the] human's mind.

In these examples the article “the” should precede the noun because the noun references something that is already known by the reader. “The sounds” because you already referenced them in the previous sentence; the reader knows which specific sounds you are referring to. “The human’s mind” because the reader knows which specific human’s mind you are referring to. “The upper parts” because, taken as a whole, there is only one “upper parts” to the hangar, so the reader knows what part you are referring to.

Battleteam Knights of Alusis

A minor misspelling: should be Allusis.

"Finally," thought Lithar Andaris.

It’s a good idea to format spoken speech quotes differently to unspoken thought quotes. This is usually done with italics, which is achieved with asterisks on the website: *Finally,* thought Lithar Andaris.

I must admit that Edgar was quite vague, when providing me the details of this mission.

In this sentence, the subject (agent) of the action providing is Edgar. It relies on this subject to make sense, so the sentence would flow better if there was no comma between the subject Edgar and the verb providing. With speech quotes, reading the text out loud can often help you to spot where and where not to put a comma.

I [had] hoped you [were] better, more courageous and noble than other beings

Here you would use “had hoped” (past perfect tense) to indicate that the action of hoping preceded in time the action of not hoping, which is what you were implying in this sentence. You would use the subjunctive form “were” to indicate that it is something that does not, in fact, reflect reality (because they weren’t actually better). I’m not detracting Syntax here because it is inside a character’s dialogue and it’s not unreasonable to think he spoke it as you wrote it.

my loyalty truly lies [with] the Dark Council

When referring to a person or a group of persons it’s more usual to say “with” rather than “at.”

was going to shoot [a] few seconds before it happened.

When using a noun that can be counted (“seconds” in this case) you usually need to use an article with it. Here you would use “a” because it is an unspecified (indeterminate) number of seconds.

Story

You had the essentials of the opening post pinned down here. You introduced the characters and some details of the venue, you gave reason and motivation for the conflict and you initiated combat right at the end. However, the phrase that came to mind throughout the post was “flesh it out.” In terms of motivation, Lithar’s face-heel turn was a significant event, and it deserved further exploration. While it was not unbelievable, it felt somewhat impersonal, and that made it less convincing. Why did Lithar choose Mos specifically for his plan? How did Mos react to Lithar’s plan? How does Lithar justify his actions to Mos as an individual rather than a generalised Jedi?

In terms of combat, by keeping it so short you missed an opportunity to interact properly with the venue and to flesh out Mos’ reaction to what is happening. Overall, you had a good outline for your story and some very nice ideas, you just needed to flesh them out some more.

Azha was shocked when shock fences turned on, locking both him and Lithar in the center of the hangar. What is going on here! he thought as he reacted to the shock. His hand immediately went to his blaster, pulling it from its holster with trained precision.

Azha stood there, breathing in controlled breaths to keep himself steady. Lithar responded in kind, begining to calculate the odds of survival if he tried to pull the trigger. Of all the things I have seen a traitor isn't one of them! part of the Mirialan's mind called out. I should kill him, and get back. Let everyone know.

Relax another part of his mind chimed in. This is all to perfect of a picture. Get yourself together. This is like any other case.

"Why Lithar?" Mos called to his former ally, activating the audio recording device in his left sleeve. "Why would you do this?"

"My reason's are all part of my plan, and have been all along," The human replied without a hint of emotion. "That is all a dead man like you will ever need to know."

"Well Lithar," the Private Detective said. "Then I will have to arrest you for treason."

"That does not follow my plan," Lithar said with a laugh. "But your resistance is noted Detective Mos."

Hit the ground!

Following another instinct, Azha went into a roll, a sly blaster bolt passing through the shock fences where he had stood. In his roll he gave himself a slight push with the Force, leading him to land right behind Lithar. He spun, swinging his blaster at the Human's head.

Lithar smirked as the young Jedi did that, moving his blaster into a blocking position. The two weapons collided, sending both flying from their owners hands. Lithar's a small bit flew further, due his opponents greater strength, but the human expected that. He had planned for this exact maneuver, having watched the young Mirialan do such a thing over the course of several arrests. He had analyzed every single detail from those holotapes, knew the angle his opponent would strike from, and had devised the perfect counter, a simple angle on his block.

Lithar's other hand brought around his E-11 Blaster riffle, slowly. Slower than the Human normally was. Lithar glared at his opponent, and realized that he was reaching for a long cylindrical object on his belt. He also saw that the Mirialan's eyes were focused in concentration on him. Lithar got the riffle aimed the second Azha's hand reached the weapon.

Then everything froze for the traitor. He couldn't pull the trigger, or even blink, though he could still notice. He saw beads of sweat form on the green man's brow, more sweat than on a soldier after an intense workout.

Azha stood there, mere inches from the blaster riffle, his hand on his saber. He could feel the pressure of holding Lithar where he was. It put strain on every muscle he had, making him feel small. He focused his mind, trying to reject the pressure.

Frak it Azha, hold on just a bit more. Then get out of the way!

Korroth, 9 February, 2017 11:51 AM UTC

Syntax

Relax[,] another part of his mind chimed in.

Whether it’s a speech quote or a thought quote, it helps to use a comma to mark out the transition from quote to narrative.

flying from their owners['] hands.

The hands belonging to the owners, possessive. Two owners, plural, so the apostrophe goes after the “s.”

his opponent[']s greater strength

Again, possessive. “Greater strength” is a property ‘belonging’ to “his opponent.”

The human replied

at the Human's head.

the human expected that.

Slower than the Human

Either Human or human is acceptable, but the key is to keep it consistent within your posts.

his E-11 Blaster riffle

Lithar got the riffle

the blaster riffle

A repeated misspelling here. Should be “rifle.” Riffle is the sound you make when you flick quickly through the pages of a book or a pack of playing cards.

Story

Azha stood there, mere inches from the blaster riffle, his hand on his saber. He could feel the pressure of holding Lithar where he was. It put strain on every muscle he had, making him feel small. He focused his mind, trying to reject the pressure.

Good job establishing tension here, and also identifying the strain that using this Force power would have on Mos.

Lithar Andaris suddenly found it difficult to move. His muscles tensed and resisted his will. His mind was like surrounded by thick fog, which made it hard to concentrate and think about something. He desperately struggled with the Mos' influence, as the Jedi was the only person that could affect him to such a degree. However, his valiant efforts to resist powers of the Jedi seemed to bring no results. He could only observe his enemy reaching the lightsaber.

Suddenly, when the Jedi grabbed the weapon, the effects of his power started to wear off. It seemed that the Mirialan was too tired to sustain his influence, as Lithar could see sweat drops on young Private Detective's face. His own body responded to the lack of restraints in subconciously continuing previous action. His finger pulled the trigger and the E-11 Blaster Rifle sent a salvo of blaster bolts towards Mos.

The young Jedi had no time to react move far enough to avoid all blaster shots, but few seconds that he had were enough for him to instinctively create a Force barrier, hoping that it would hold the blaster bolts off. It did, but his defensive action allowed Lithar Andaris to regain full movement capacity.

When the Mirialan was slowly getting up, the Human decided to change his plan. Instead of keeping shooting at his enemy, he grabbed a cut off droid's arm lying nearby and attacked the Jedi with it. The solution was quite absurd, for Mos was a bit stronger than Lithar, but it was so unexpected that the Lieutenant Colonel managed to hit the Ranger in right wrist, forcing him to drop the lightsaber.

However, the Jedi avoided any further attacks by jumping away. The distance between the Mirialan and the Human allowed Mos to move his lightsaber to extended left hand with the Force. A moment later, before Lithar Andaris decided what to do next, recalled his Synergy WLD-5 Peacekeeper blaster pistol to his right hand in the same way and shot at the traitor at once.

The Lieutenant Colonel noticed slight tension of Mos' muscles and instinctively dropped himself on the ground with perfect timing. The blaster bolt missed him by few centimeters. He sighed with relief, but he was also aware that he was not going to have such luck again.

Korroth, 9 February, 2017 11:50 AM UTC

Syntax

He desperately struggled with the Mos' influence

You don’t use an article (the) with a proper noun (Mos, Lithar, a person’s actual name), so this should just be with Mos' influence.

The young Jedi had no time to react move far enough

It looks like there might be one word too many or a word missing between “react” and “move.”

A moment later, before Lithar Andaris decided what to do next, [he] recalled his Synergy WLD-5 Peacekeeper blaster pistol

Whenever you start a new sentence, you need to associate the sentence’s verb with a subject (the thing/person that does the action). In this case, you can use either “Mos” or just “he” to indicate that it was Mos that did the action “recalled.”

The Lieutenant Colonel noticed [a] slight tension [in] Mos' muscles

Here you are referring specifically to the tension in Mos’ muscles, rather than the concept of tension in general, so an article is required. You would use “a” rather than “the” because it is the first time you mention this tension.

resist [the] powers of the Jedi

Here you are referring to the specific “powers” that the Jedi is using. The reader knows what these powers are, so “the” is required. A similar thing applies to the following examples with “the young Private Detective’s face”, “the previous action” and “the few seconds”.

sweat drops on [the] young Private Detective's face.

subcon[s]ciously continuing [the] previous action.

but [the] few seconds that he had

Deciding when and when not to use an article, and how to use it, is not always an easy matter. There’s loads of articles on this subject out there, but this one here has a decent basic bullet-point summary of the whole thing. Whenever you’re unsure about leaving a noun with or without an article, going through their list might help you decide.

Story

Lithar Andaris suddenly found it difficult to move.

This sentence is a bit jarring in the continuity of the story, because it reads as if Lithar has been paralysed just now when in fact it started about three paragraphs ago. Ideally, the narrative flows from one post to the other in sequential order as if it was a single story. Aside from this point, though, your portrayal of the Force power was spot on.

he grabbed a cut off droid's arm lying nearby and attacked the Jedi with it.

Nice use of the venue’s props. This is where planning out your action sequences and describing the venue can come in useful. If you mention the droid parts in your first post, using them in your next post can have even more of an impact.


This post was action packed. You wrote some good combat sequences and you made excellent use of your character sheets. You still have room to expand on your descriptions of the action, the environment, the characters. Apart from the first paragraph, it was a bit dry in this department. You also made no reference to either characters’ drives and motives. Just a few meaningful dialogue lines interspersed here and there can help to emphasise why the characters are fighting and why the reader should care about the outcome.

Realism

recalled his Synergy WLD-5 Peacekeeper blaster pistol to his right hand

In this battle Mos has used Slow (Stasis) and Barrier, both of which are very draining in terms of fatigue. By this point he should be mentally exhausted. While this use of Telekinesis is relatively minor, the fact that he is not showing any strain from his previous heavy use of the Force is a minor detractor in Realism. A careful reading of the “Downtime” section for each Force power should give you a good idea of the mental energy each power demands.

Azha did everything he could to stay standing. It had taken a lot out of him to freeze Lithar, followed by even more to get his two weapons, and he didn't know how much longer it could go on. I need this to end quickly, to much time and energy has been spent, the Mirialan thought to himself.

He quickly attached his light saber to his belt, preferring to not waste time with such an impractical weapon, keeping his blaster ready. "This doesn't have to end in death Lithar!" the Private Eye called out, exhausted. "I don't want to kill you!"

"If you had followed my plan this would have been over already!" the Human replied, with venom in his voice. "I won't let you turn me in, so you must die."

Azha started as the man began to approach with the droid arm in hand. *Why Lithar?!*Gritting his teeth, the Mirialan pulled the trigger of his blaster, a blue bolt of energy slamming into the Human's left shoulder. He watched as the man fell to his knee's, the droid arm clattering to the floor. He saw the anger in his foe's eyes, along with pain and something else. Azha didn't have enough experience with people to understand what it was, but it latched itself into his mind.

There was a loud beep, the shock fences dropping. The detective stared, frozen as Lithar began to pull away. He was exhausted, both physically and mentally. It didn't take long for him to fall to the ground, his eyes closing, as sleep took him.


Lithar moved towards his blaster pistol, ready to kill the detective. He reached the blaster, and heard weapons being drawn. He turned to see a group of pirates, all ready to fire. He also noted that one pirate bent down and pressed something in the cuff of the Mirialan's shirt.

"What are you doing?!" the Human asked, "I am just about to kill him! I am on your side!"

The lead pirate spit in the Lieutenant Colonel's face, pointing a slug thrower of some description in his face. "Not all of us approve of the destruction you people have caused," he said. "That was too much profit you people destroyed not to long ago. "

"He is a private detective, let him live and.." Lithar began.

"The detective here," The pirate scoffed, "can't be more than a kid. I don't like kids blood on my hands personally. Besides, if he comes looking for us, he would have an entire battle station to take on. I think I am safe."

Boom

Korroth, 9 February, 2017 11:51 AM UTC

Syntax

to much time and energy has been spent

A minor oversight. Should be “too much.”

attached his light saber to his belt

“Lightsaber,” all one word, is much more common, and it’s the way the official media uses it.

*Why[,] Lithar?!*Gritting his teeth

A minor formatting malfunction here. It may have happened because you left no space between “Lithar?!*” and “Gritting,” but I’m not sure. Either way, using the Preview button before you post is a good idea no matter how thoroughly you proofread the raw text.

Also, it helps with the flow of a speech quote if you mark off one character calling out another character’s name with a comma. In this case it can actually mean two different things. “Why Lithar?!” means “Why Lithar rather than another person,” and “Why, Lithar?!” means “Why are you doing this, referring to Lithar.”

the man fell to his knee's

This is a simple plural, it should be “fell to his knees”. There is nothing in the sentence that ‘belongs’ to the knees.

The lead pirate spit

You changed tense here, should be “spat.”

not to long ago.

Again, should be “too”, to mean “not very long ago”.

let him live and..

The ellipsis is always written with three dots…

"The detective here," The pirate scoffed

“The pirate” is preceded by a comma, so it doesn’t need to be capitalised.

I don't like kids[‘] blood on my hands

Apostrophe to indicate the possessive, “the blood that belongs to the kids.”

Story

Boom

This was an interesting idea for the conclusion of your story, albeit somewhat puzzling the way you set it out. Without a description of what is actually happening, the reader doesn’t quite know if it is an explosion or something else. Neither Lithar nor Mos have any particular skill in making things explode. Neither has objects that can explode (including the audio recording rod in Mos’ sleeve). Fleshing out what happens here would have helped the reader to come to grips with the battle’s ultimate conclusion, specifically who among the two combatants was still alive and who got the last laugh, so to speak.

Overall, you wrote a good combat scene in this post and you also explored how the combatants felt about this battle. You’re on the right road here. Expanding these two aspects of the conflict can help you to flesh out your story and draw your reader in.

Realism

It didn't take long for him to fall to the ground, his eyes closing, as sleep took him.

Throughout your posts you demonstrated an acute awareness of the mental fatigue caused by Mos’ heavy use of Force powers. Your portrayal of the strain Mos was under was engaging and convincing up to this line. However, fainting from over-use of the Force was a stretch in terms of Realism. It’s not an entirely inconceivable occurrence, but within the context of this story it required some more compounding factors (such as a significant physical injury) to be believable and convincing.