Rhylance pushed himself off of his chair as the blaster bolt sped towards him, grazing his left shoulder. The medic could feel the stinging pain reverberate through his shoulder, but he needed to get out of the open. The Consul could see the half-Hapan gathering herself off of the floor after flinging herself backwards, and he took the moment of reprieve to find some form of cover.
The nearby spectators reacted variously, some appalled by the murderous behavior, others fired up to see a fight break out. Rhylance himself had not counted on the half-Hapan actually choosing to side with her master, Vodo. Even though he had hoped she was smart enough to know which side would come out on top in the Clan’s disagreements, he seemed to have been mistaken.
Pushing his way through the crowds of club-goers, the Chiss scanned the room for any sign of his attacker. Zasati would have been searching for him by now, clearly under orders to kill him for her master. The Consul needed to stay one step ahead of her. To his left he could see the nearby dance floor, and as an idea entered his mind, a grin broke across his face.
Zasati, after pushing herself back to her feet, searched for her Consul. Though she had been attracted to the intelligence the man exuded, her master’s word was law, and Vodo wanted the Chiss dead. No fool without a connection to the Force deserved to lead Clan Taldryan. Zasati paused as she walked passed the bar, stretching out with her feelings to search for her target. She felt the Force’s pull towards him, but it was muddled due to the vast crowds of people in Club Veritca.
After a few minutes of looking around, she came to the dance floor and could easily see that the Chiss was most likely hiding amongst the dancing crowd. The multi colored lights flashed in sequence with each other causing a strobe like effect. The music that rang out over the dancers had a techno vibe to it. Zasati wasn’t stupid, she knew that he had likely set a trap for her within the crowd, but her own playfulness, and the thrill of the hunt drove her to enter the crowd.
All around the half-Hapan, various species could be seen grinding against each other as they danced to the reverberating beat. Zasati could feel her pulse heighten as adrenaline fueled her searching. There was so much to take in, and the ambiance, the smoke, the music; all of it worked against her as she continued her search. She was only halted by the feel of steel against the back of her blue dress.
Rhylance kept his approach slow, moving in sequence with the dancers around him as he approached his hunter. He had to admit that she was an exotic beauty, and maybe in a different life, they could have enjoyed each other’s companionship. Pulling out a scalpel that he had coated with a paralytic toxin, he made his move and gently pressed the blade against her back as his left hand rested on her hip.
“Stay calm, Zasati. Dance with me and we can speak.”
“Lord Consul, I didn’t take you for a dancer.” The woman responded with a sultry voice.
“There is much you obviously do not know, my pet.”
The two Taldryan’s followed the lead of the crowd around them as they moved with the music. Rhylance needed to keep this conversation moving, and convince the woman to realize the errors of her decision. It was not too late for her to change her mind.
“Zasati, I understand the situation that you now find yourself in. Who to trust; my master, or my Consul? I can offer you so much more than that Twi’Lek can. I can offer you power over him. A position by my side where you need not worry about anything anymore,” he told her with his silver tongue. “I can give you freedom that you’ve only dreamed of.”
“I appreciate your thoughtfulness, Lord Consul,” she responded as she ground herself against him, using her body as a distraction against the red blooded Chiss. She slowly put her blaster away, and pulled out her dagger. Excitement flushed across her face as her tattoo changed color with her strong emotions. “But I belong to no man, I choose to be by Vodo’s side.”
She thrust the blade back, clipping Rhylance in the side with the sharpened blade, and she felt a slight sting against her back as his scalpel cut against her skin.
Syntax
This is a pretty simple syntax error to make, one that is fairly common and it pertains to capitalization. As you can see with the corrections, these aren't proper nouns so they don't need to have a capital. The make and model of the blasters/pistols were correctly handled, but the generic device doesn't need it.
In the case here, you used two words where they could have been treated as a single word or a hyphenated word.
This is an example of repetition. You begin and end with "two" which creates an odd flow for the reader and catches their eye. Sometimes this can be used as a tool to intentionally draw attention to a point of emphasis (ie. Her eyes. Her eyes were those of a killer.), but in this instance it just jumbles the flow. I placed an example rewrite below.
In "he said, she said" format, the dialogue is part of the sentence, so you wouldn't capitalize "he" in this instance, despite the question mark.
So, similar to the above, your sentence structure is off here. Also, I personally don't get the verb use here, where you use "drew back". It isn't painting a clear picture in my thoughts and leaving me confused as to the intended imagery. That's something to keep in mind in all writing: what will this look like to the reader?
Story
This is a well done example of setting up your character's familiarity for the locale based on both fictional history and your aspects. This is done organically, within the story, which strengthens the narrative and helps your score.
You have the opening post in this match, which means you are saddled with establishing the primary hook and narrative driving force of the match—which you did. However, this is the only instance of actual combat in the entirety of this post. It amounts to a brief flash and quick exchange. Typically, we would like to see a bit more in the way of conflict to really drive the story forward, but this does set up the match. So, in that regard, it's not terrible. In fact, it's something! Just need to get more comfortable and add a bit more to your set-up in regards to this.
To close out the story comments on this post, I just want to highlight a missed opportunity for you. Much of the post is spent hinting at some sort of "reason" for them being there. That there is some "cause" she is interfering with and the offer that was alluded to. You left your readers with questions that aren't answered in a satisfactory way. You don't have to outright say it, but you need to at least quantify it in a way that hooks the reader, rather than annoying them. This also leaves a plot hole opening for your opponent to grab hold of and run with, helping their score instead of yours.
Realism
While not a mark against you, it should be noted for your reference that you walked the line between utilizing your opponent's aspects and putting yourself at odds against them. This isn't the place you want to be in your writing, because Realism scores can quickly stack up and make, or break, your chances. The reason this is of note in your post is that you have Rhylance initiating this conflict. This has the high probability of going against "Sharp As My Mind" which places emphasis on him avoiding combat until his target least expects an attack. While not a line that was explicitly broken, it was brought into question here.