Club Vertica
Nar Shaddaa
Outer Rim Territories
The noises of the night reverberated from the entrance of the boisterous establishment as a cloaked figure stood hidden in the shadow of its threshold. Laughter and joy could heard as well as the occasional argument cascading out of the wealthiest gambler’s den. A black R2 droid rolled up next to the cloaked Odanite causing him to rip his gaze from the doorway.
“They do not allow droids into establishments like this Beenine.” Talis pointed to a dark corner next to the door. “You know who our target is, so if you see him try to leave, alert me.”
The Miralukan turned away from the droid and entered the brightly lit doorway before offering a nod to the guard at the door. They gave the cloaked man a quick once-over before waving him past to the security checkpoint inside. Two more armed guards stood watch as a third stepped forward to begin sweeping him with a metal detection wand. Talis stopped him with an upraised hand before waving three credit chips at them.
“100 credits each as always.” The three nodded and let the Jedi pass unharassed. It was common knowledge that bribery went farther on Nar Shaddaa.
Talis came into the brightly lit atrium, with its vaulted ceiling and high-end furniture. Two men stepped forward to take young Jedi’s cloak but he denied them with a raise of his hand. Both men bowed before retreating back to their station next to a large closet which seemed to hold the richer patrons’ belongings. The Miraluka delved within himself and reached out as he waited to get through the door behind a particularly sweet smelling entourage of Twi'lek women. He began searching for his informant, Tazot. A particularly seedy Nikto information broker that had once sold the irritated Sentinel false information about a bounty that turned south for himself and his squad.
Talis smiled and nodded at the party of Twi’leks as they continued past him. He fell into line as if with the group and entered the main gambling hall as unnoticed as possible before slipping away into the crowd.
After several moments, the Odanite found his quarry sitting at a side table playing a hand of Pazaak with four unscrupulous characters. One looked to be a Mandalorian by his armor. His lack of armament led Talis to believe that he was young. Most Mandalorians turn to bounty hunting and learn the trade pretty quick. Not knowing that he could bribe his way into a place armed meant he was probably on his first hunt. Sitting directly to his right was Tazot. A wiry Nikto, draped in the finest garments in the system. His wry smile was only betrayed by the bead of sweat dripping down his left temple. To his right was an obnoxiously drunk human. His laughter was booming for such a slight frame. He was clearly agitating the other guests and players as he bragged about his amazing luck. Piled before him was a mound of chips that any thief would make a move on in broad daylight. The biggest deterrent to that unfortunate act was the man’s security detail. They were keeping close tabs on everyone who approached and their hands firmly on tucked away blasters. Their hawkish eyes lanced through skin and bone as their tension was visible on their faces.
The fourth seat was open right next to the lucky human. Then there were two people in similar armor to his own. Both looked to be pilots but for who, Talis had no idea. He did not care that much as he casually made his way from table to table inspecting a game here and there.
He finally approached Tozat’s table and sat down next to the drunken man who greeted him heartily. Talis nodded to the dealer and bought in. He removed his cloak and draped it across the back of his chair with a smile before running his fingers over the indented visual of his cards.
A hush had come over the entire establishment at the sight of the Miralukan. Emblazoned on the chest of his armor was the unmistakable emblem of Clan Odan Urr. Both pilots to Talis’ right shifted in their chairs as they glared at the Jedi. The drunken patron to his left was staring around in amazement. Tozat was visibly shaking in fear at the sight of him.
“Y'all afraid of little ole’ me?” Talis gleefully cheered, not looking away from his cards, “I'm just here to do some gambling like the rest of you!” Slowly murmurs rose up and the patrons went back to what they were doing. The small crowd gathered around the table diminished to a few brave souls, to the liking of the security retinue of the intoxicated gambler.
Another lost hand had Sabe Baize glaring at the young human and the Nikto next to him. She could not believe the luck they were having. All she could do was watch carefully. The newcomer’s robes threw the Captain off as she warily eyed the Jedi. She knew what her orders were if this should happen and she was sure the man to her left was well aware of this as well. She would have to find some discrete moment that afforded her some privacy. She would beam out a message to the inquisitors then. Until that time came all she could do was watch the man and wait for her chance.
“So, Tozat.” Talis’ statement caused the Nikto to flinch in his seat and dragged Sabe out of her train of thought. “You didn’t expect to see me again did you?”
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Nikto stammered out. The finely dressed aliens visage of finery and reputation was stripped bare before them.
“Oh! You don’t remember swindling me on some garbage intel about one of higher up’s movements within Clan Plagueis?” Talis turned and gave the side of the Nikto’s head the most searing glare in the Outer Rim territories. “You know, so we could collect on her considerably high bounty.”
“Mister,” the drunk youth chimed in drawing a slight grimace from Sabe, “why are your eyes covered?”
“I am a Miraluka,” Talis replied caringly as if he were speaking to a young child, “I was not born with eyes, I see in a different light spectrum afforded to me by the Force.”
“Oh,” The surprisingly young man's face lit up, “that’s awesome.”
Sabe felt embarrassed for the drunken boy as he compounded his unknown stupidity.
“Hey, could I possibly talk you into switching seats, I need to have a conversation with my friend here.” After a few moments, the young drunk noble replied.
“You two aren’t friends,” The drunken human replied playfully. Sabe almost couldn't take it as she stared on in irritation and amazement. A heavy hand gently came to rest on his shoulder as the owner of the hand leaned in and whispered something to the youth. The conversation seemed to sober him up and he looked up at the dealer. “I would like to cash out for the night.”
“Yes Master, your credits have been deposited into your account good sir, have a wonderful evening.” The Droid seemed to bow to the teenager.
“You as well.” With that, the security team closed in around the young man and they made their way to the exit. A few of the dumber lowlifes of the place slinked out a few moments after them. The bigger, wiser players seemed to stay put and had their gazes transfixed on the Jedi as he moved over seats and bumped his shoulder into the Nikto. Sabe’s gaze was transfixed on the pair as well.
“So do you want to come clean or do I need to drag you outside and make you?”
“I am not liable for faulty intel Master Jedi.” Tozat’s rebuilt air of superiority was veiled thinly over his fear of the man now sitting to his right.
“You are when we interrogate your men, who by their own account, were sent there to kill us on bogus intel.” Talis’ tone was dark and his anger was almost palpable. “Your intel by the way.”
“You have no proof of that.” Tozat adjusted in his chair again, clearly flustered. This was almost as entertaining as one of those holovid spy dramas people always talked about and Sabe was hooked into this conversation like Nexu on its next meal.
“So we are gonna step outside and have a conversation and renegotiate our further dealings or you can pick a fight with me?” Talis put his hand on the Nikto’s left forearm and grasped it tightly. “I really hope you chose option two.”
“I do not have to stand for this kind of intimidation from the likes of you!” Tozat bellowed.
“Really,” Talis paused, “then what if these kind people saw this.”
Talis pulled a skiffer from inside Tozat’s robes and placed it on the table violently. The place went as quiet as space as all eyes turned to the skiffer laying before the Nikto who tried to jump to his feet. Talis stopped him abruptly and violently by slamming his face into the table. Sabe didn’t even register the Jedi’s hand as the Nikto’s blood gushed forth, out of his nose and mouth.
“HEY SLEEMO!,” a bartender yelled to get Talis’ attention, “careful with the furniture!”
“My apologies good sir, here is a tip for the troubles.” Talis placed a large bid on the next hand and then threw the hand. The Man next to Sabe exclaimed at his fortune and elbowed her playfully before quieting down from the serious glare exuding from the woman's face. The older blond woman, her hair cropped at the neck, sat with her seething glare transfixed on the Odanite filth. Talis’ had noticed a fair amount of anger resonating off of her since the skiffer was revealed but her gaze had not changed so far.
‘She doesn’t look enthused about life.’ Talis thought to himself as he collected Tozat and stepped towards a side door.
Sabe bound to her feet and rose up to fill all of her five foot eight, one hundred twenty-five pound frame in front of him.
“Miss,” Talis paused, “move yourself.”
“No, he has been cheating me all night so he is mine,” Sabe demanded.
“Um, no he isn't because I clearly have him in my hands.” The irritated Sentinel quibbled back. “Give him to me, it’s the right thing to do!” The woman spat back as if she had gained some sort of advantage in this conversation.
“Little lady, you are barking up the wrong tree with that argument,” the taller man replied matter-of-factly.
“Did you just call me?” her response stammered out, confused and insulted.
“Yes,” the Jedi interjected, “I called you little lady, now move or fight me for him, I don’t have all night.”
The look of confusion quickly turned to a look of determined focus.
“Fine.” With a quick flick of her hand, Sabe snatched her blaster from its sheath on her hip and fired. She only hit air as her eyes followed the surprisingly nimble armored bulk upwards.
The now irritated Miralukan came to a landing behind the woman who bounded over a table and fired her blaster as she went. The signature sizzle of a lightsaber accosted the ears of the gambling hall visitors as the screeching blasts of repeated shots clashed, popped and buzzed off the whirling amethyst blade. Sabe came to a sudden halt on the floor after a short slide across a particularly small table. The visitors scattered to the walls and the droids vanished into their tables as the two combatants stood off.
“You try running Tozat and I am gonna feed you to your family one bite at a time!” Talis’ voice resonated with something within Tozat and caused him to plop onto his derriere hard, where he remained unmoving out of fear.
Syntax
The venue post technically sets the scene for you. You do not need to do the run-on style framing of place and time.
This should read "could be heard"
The comma after me should either be a semicolon or a period.
Story
So, your post would have made a good introductory post for a run-on. You use the environment and npcs very well and your use of descriptive language was solid. However, you took a full 1686 words to introduce the conflict between the characters and then had a perfunctory few lines of setting up combat before stopping. Don't get me wrong, often I cite people for a lack of context in opening posts. Your post just lacked focus and didn't really suck me in as a reader. In future matches I would suggest you try to tighten your focus a little and direct the reader's attention to the two characters and introduce their conflict earlier in the post.