Knight Justinios Drake vs. Commander Rhylance

Knight Justinios Drake

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Aleena, Force Disciple, Arcanist
vs.

Commander Rhylance

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
Comment

This was a good match and a lot closer than the scores imply. 0.4 separation may seem like a lot, but in terms of points it was all of one. You both demonstrate an understanding of the Character Sheets and how to use them in a story effectively. The biggest thing to learn here is making sure nothing is ever brought into question for the reader and there is weight added to the plot being employed.

It is good to leave foreshadowing in your own posts for your opponent to pick up on, and can actually benefit your Story score. However, you don't want to just lay a platter down and let the other walk away with it. It's a fine line, but one learned with time. You both have the fundamentals in place and the capacity to write compelling narratives, complete with combat that drives along the story rather than ensnaring it.

Work on cleaning up the technical side, then let your creative juices flow. I look forward to what comes from that.

The winner of this match, with the totals tallied, is Commander Rhylance.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Justinios Drake, Commander Rhylance
Winner Commander Rhylance
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Justinios Drake's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Commander Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ruins of Antei: The Dark Hall
Last Post 26 February, 2017 12:02 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Dr. Rhylance Raiheaux
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A few issues, couple typos and comma misuse. I labelled some examples in the comments. Rationale: A few issues here and there. I labelled some examples in the comments.
Story - 40%
Dr. Rhylance Raiheaux
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: What helped you most was taking the reasons offered by your opponent and grafting them into a stronger piece. You added weight and emotion. You also twisted it into an ending that seems to be a running theme, so much so that you may want to think about creating an Aspect about your wish to mind control everyone! You did good, but it was still superficial in a few places and never quite hooked me in completely. You're getting there! Rationale: You did a good job, especially trying to incorporate the venue itself, but the motivations fell somewhat flat. The reason for the encounter seemed superficial and didn't get delved into as much as I'd like. You also were somewhat vague in a few places that left me as a reader fighting for a picture. However, you did great! The base structure is there, you just need to grow it beyond the surface level.
Realism - 25%
Dr. Rhylance Raiheaux
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor issue, refer to the comments. Rationale: Minor issue, refer to the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Dr. Rhylance Raiheaux
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that I could note. Rationale: None that I could note.
Dr. Rhylance's Score: 4.2 Raiheaux's Score: 3.8
Posts

Ruins of Antei The Dark Hall

Holovids have replayed the conclusion of the Grand Master’s Invitational Tournament where Turel Sorenn and Timeros Ceasus Entar Arconae battled within the remains of the Dark Hall.

Echoes of the past haunt the now desolate graveyard of a planet. Wild winds whip through the hollow landscape with harrowing howls, a sense of death and finality hanging heavy in the air. This aura is neither dark or light, but stands as living effigy to the destructive power a sole individual unleashed on an entire system.

Once, Antei had served as the seat of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood's power. As a result of an ancient Ritual of destruction invoked by Grand Master Muz Ashen, the entire planet is now no more than a barren wasteland. Charred buildings have been reduced to rubble, but ash flutters into the wind from the embers of fires that seem to burn in eternal requiem. A dark energy still lingers, and at its center, rests the once great temple known as the Dark Hall.

The Dark Hall itself is one of the only few structures to defy the full might of the Ritual. The ruins and remains around it are littered with decay. Tall spires have been toppled and withered with corrosion from the planet's periodic dust storms. The Dark Hall’s interior is mired with collapsed pillars and door frames. The last remnants of life are scattered and covered in layers of ash: broken furniture, fractured machinery and combusted equipment littering the apocalyptic palette of grays and greens. The stairways leading down into the subterranean levels are missing whole sections, and some simply lead to dead ends. The crypts below have been ransacked and scavenged, sarcophagi upturned and left with a mixture of mummified corpses and empty caskets.

Beyond this, scouting reports still vary when the topic of Force apparitions and ghosts is broached.

Proceed at your own risk.

Knight Justinios Drake walked carefully toward the ruins of the Dark Hall as his senses were being muddled by the intensity of the Force emanating from the entire planet. Behind the blue-skinned Aleena, his JumpMaster 5000 let out an audible hiss as the boarding ramp sealed itself off from the Antein atmosphere. Knight Drake looked at the ziggurat that was once the seat of power within the Brotherhood and wondered to himself why his Consul would have asked him to perform a science experiment in this location.

Walking through the main entrance to the monument it was immediately apparent to the Journemany that much of the structure was shrouded in darkness, except where light invaded the shadow through damaged portions of the exterior walls. Justinios considered returning to his spacecraft and jumping far away from this ominous building but the chance to learn what Commander Rhylance was up to pulled him further into the abandoned monument.

“My up and coming Jedi,” the familiar voice of Taldryan’s leader called out from the darkness. “I wondered if you were going to actually exit that ship of yours.”

Justinios could not be sure which direction the voice was coming from. The darkness itself was enough to disorient the senses but the crumbled structure seemed to be affecting the acoustics in a way that Rhylance’s words were coming at him from multiple directions.

Unsure of which was to direct his own voice, the Aleena Knight simply called out into the darkness. “I was concerned that I had been deceived by someone who was trying to trick me into coming here. You have to admit this is an odd place for a science experiment.”

The Commander’s voice continued to bounce around the ruins. “You were deceived only by your own assumptions professor. Yes I called you here for an experiment but I never said it was for science.”

“Well you seem to have something in mind,” Knight Drake responded with a mix of confusion and contempt. “Would it be a bother to share that plan with me?”

The answer Justinios was looking for came in the form of a red blaster bolt cutting through the shadows. Reflexes took over and Justinios jumped behind a crumbled column a moment before the red blast left a scorch mark in the place he had just been standing.

Rhylance spoke again after the sound of the blaster discharge finally stopped echoing through the chamber. “The experiment I will be performing today is whether or not it is worth spending any more of our limited resources on your training.” Catching the meaning of the Consul’s words, Justinios plucked his lightsaber off of his belt. “War is coming Knight Drake and while your mind is one to be admired, I need to know whether you are willing and able to stand shoulder to shoulder with our forces when the times comes.”

A nudge from the Force made sure the second blaster bolt was not a complete surprise. Justinios brought his blue blade into it’s path and the blazing bolt was reflected harmlessly into the stone floor. It did not escape Justinios’ attention that the second shot came from a different angle than the first.

“What’s in it for me if I play your little game Commander?” Knight Drake shut down his lightsaber and stepped into the shadows himself.

As Justinios began to search the Dark Hall for his commanding officer, the Chiss answered his question. “Give me a good fight and I promise the guards on the Dark Prophet won’t toss all of your equipment out an airlock.”

Darth Renatus, 8 March, 2017 12:28 AM UTC

Syntax

This sentence is a little wordy and comes across as a misplaced comma. Would read better with the comma between "monument" and "it was", instead of where it is.

Walking through the main entrance to the monument it was immediately apparent to the Journemany that much of the structure was shrouded in darkness, except where light invaded the shadow through damaged portions of the exterior walls.

This should probably be "which way":

Unsure of which was to direct his own voice

Should be "into its path":

into it’s path

In this case, "deflected" is the appropriate word because you changed directions. "Reflected" would have it going back from whence it came:

bolt was reflected harmlessly


Story

This is more than a fair reaction to the situation, especially when taking into account your Aspects! I wonder if you'll end up like that cat, Mr. Whiskers.

Justinios considered returning to his spacecraft and jumping far away from this ominous building but the chance to learn what Commander Rhylance was up to pulled him further into the abandoned monument.


Realism

While I see you are attempting to craft an interesting story, you run the risk of going afoul of one of Rhylance's Combat Aspects. Namely, "Sharp As My Mind". This is just a warning rather than a tick against you, because you avoided any direct confrontation which still is somewhat playing to his Aspects without contradicting them or introducing erroneous actions. Still, "give me a good fight" doesn't seem like something Rhylance would bother with. If anything, he would have this Knight tested by others.

Rhylance watched the Aleena from the shadows as the short statured Knight searched the disheveled temple for him. Taldryan’s Consul had respect for the Aleena. Justinios’s study of the Force through scientific means resembled the Chiss’s own areas of research. Had they met on Karufr, before Cotelin's attack, the two could have been colleagues. But as it stood, the Aleena was currently under the same calculating glare as the rest of the Clan.

As Rhylance took in the sights of the surrounding temple, the once grand home of the Dark Brotherhood, he remembered the glassing of Karufr. The Brotherhood had been devastated by the destruction of their great temple and the loss of Antei. To turn around and deal the same blow to Taldryan, a clan who had always been loyal to the Iron Throne, was the ultimate betrayal committed by both Jac and Pravus.

As the Consul followed behind Justinios, he found himself amused by the Aleena’s attempt at keeping to the shadows. While his form was cloaked in darkness, he was unable to silence his steps or travel unnoticed. Rhylance activated the silencing function of his Peacekeeper and set the blaster to stun, rather than a lethal setting. His primary purpose in this test was not to kill Justinios, but to prepare the scientist for the inevitable war he could see on the horizon.

Justinios found himself walking into a large hall with pillars that did not stand the test of time or the bombardment of Antei. He could feel the abundance of Dark Side Force energy that saturated the air around him. The sheer pressure of the power was both enticing and foreboding. The Knight closed his eyes and stretched out his mind, searching through the walls around him. The density of the Force was almost choking, but a void could be felt behind him.

Wide eyed the Aleena spun around, activating his blue lightsaber, and stared into the shadow. His position was already known, and in this open hallway, his chances of success were higher than in the narrow passage he had just exited.

“I thought you were going to try to kill me? Why do you only follow Commander?”

Rhylance stepped out of the shadows and into the light, his blaster clutched in his right hand. The Chiss’s red eyes seemed to burn into the Aleena’s very soul. A small smirk grew on the blue-hued face of the Consul.

“I wanted to see what you would do as you searched for me. And as expected, you, like any other Force wielder, are incapable of handling a simple task without calling upon your mystical connection. I had high hopes for you Justinios. With your brilliant mind, I thought that you’d be able to figure out another way. But I was wrong. You don’t respect the power that you have, and therefore you don’t deserve it.”

Justinios found it hard not to feel insulted by his Consul’s flippant remarks. He was a scientist, not some roguish scoundrel. He had no training in searching out enemies. He only wished to learn more about the Force and its cosmic connections. One thing was certain at this moment for the Aleena. No more games. He wanted his equipment returned to him.

“I am sorry for disappointing you, Commander. Enough with this game. Please, return my notes and equipment. I’ll forget that this ever happened.”

A small chuckle escaped Rhylance’s mouth at his pawn's request.

“I’m sorry to say, but I’ve already had your work destroyed.”

Justinios was not happy. All those years of research, gone? His life’s work, desecrated by his supposed scientific Consul. He couldn’t believe that a mind like Rhylance’s could be capable of destroying research. The Gray Jedi felt the Dark Side all around him. It whispered in his mind. It called for him, and he answered. As the Aleena concentrated, he molded the Force throughout his body. The Knight felt his muscles as they were invigorated with energy, and he took off with a burst of speed slashing his lightsaber towards his Consul.

Rhylance had expected the attack, but not the speed. The Chiss was forced to push his body towards the ground. He rolled to the left and back into the shadows. Unfortunately, the glowing saber in his opponent’s hands ripped through the darkness. His position was in Justinios’s visibility.

Rhylance raised the blaster and fired off several shots. The Gray Knight saw each energy blast coming and leapt into the air, contorting his body in a spin before slashing his shoto saber towards the Consul. The Chiss was forced into a series of defensive movements, sidestepping and ducking out of the way from the Aleena’s strikes. He found himself lucky that, while Justinios seemed faster, his skills with the lightsaber were not up to snuff. Smiling, he put his blaster away and pulled out one of his scalpels. Popping the cap off of the blade Rhylance readied his poisoned weapon, the edge dripping with paralytic toxins.

Darth Renatus, 8 March, 2017 12:40 AM UTC

Syntax

Comma splicing that makes the flow here awkward:

His position was already known, and in this open hallway, his chances of success [...]

More awkward comma placement:

All those years of research, gone? [...] It called for him, and he answered. [...] The Knight felt his muscles as they were invigorated with energy, and he took off with a burst of speed slashing his lightsaber towards his Consul.

You often use "Justinios's" or "Chiss's" in this portion. I recall seeing exceptions to this being allowed for names, but as I sit here researching I can't find those. I'd recommend just the apostrophe with no "s" going forward.


Realism

This section is questionable, considering +3 Primary Lightsaber Form is considered a master of the fundamentals and principles. I would very much think his skills are "up to snuff". It seems like you're trying to play off the Aspect "The Best Defense is a Good... Defense" but you come across diminishing his skills rather than noting the focus on defensive skills:

The Chiss was forced into a series of defensive movements, sidestepping and ducking out of the way from the Aleena’s strikes. He found himself lucky that, while Justinios seemed faster, his skills with the lightsaber were not up to snuff.

The Chiss’ red eyes shone an almost purple hue as Justinios looked upon the Commander who was kneeling just on the edge of the blue light given off by the shoto’s blade. In the artificial twilight created by the Knight’s weapon, Justinios could tell his Consul had something small and metallic in his hand.

Great, the academically inclined Aleena thought to himself, no doubt that blade is coated in some dangerous substance. The professor’s internal theorizing was confirmed by the sound of small glass object shattering on the stone floor.

For a few moments both if the blue-skinned aliens glared at each other, the Grey Jedi shining brightly with blade in hand and the Commander crouched at the edge of the shadow. Justinios felt his body return to a more natural state of being and was keen to take advantage of the respite to clear up an important point.

“Commander did you really destroy my research?”

Grinning, Rhylance responded, “Oh yes little Jedi I was not lying.”

Justinios' tiny blue hands began to shake as the anger built within him. “That was EVERYTHING I brought with me and EVERYTHING I had accomplished since I arrived in this sorry excuse for a clan.” The Aleena felt exactly as if he were lecturing one of his upstart students. “Also how dare you tell me what power I deserve, I will use this power to unlock mysteries of the Force that others have not even thought to question!”

Rhylance was caught off-guard by the wave of energy that hit him directly in the chest just as Justinios finished his diatribe. As he tumbled over a downed column he made sure that, above all else, he remained in control of his poison coated scalpel. As he body came to an awkward rest, face down atop a pile of rubble, the Chiss immediately confirmed that his tool was still firmly in hand.

As Rhylance quickly picked himself up into a fighting stance, he found that Knight Drake was already charging hard at his position. The Aleena’s attack was clumsy and disorganized and Rhylance found that his added size aided his defense even further. The blue-skinned medic easily pivoted out of the way of Justonios’ first two undisciplined lightsaber strikes, each time creating a large space between the two dualists that the attacking professor would need to cover to continue the assault. The Commander continued this tactic as the Aleena began to slowly wear himself out, having never adjusted his attacks to counter Rhylance's defense.

Seeing his opportunity, the Medic attempted to goad his foe into one last attack. “Don’t worry Justinios, I made copies of everything I destroyed and put them on this datapad.” Simultaneously, Rhylance pulled out a small datapad just long enough for Knight Drake to notice it before returning it to his jacket pocket.

The move worked as intended because Justinios lumged at him without speaking a word. Rhylance instead pivoted towards and into the attack, grabbed the Aleena by his sword arm and made a small cut before spinning away once more.

Justinios’ fast Aleena metabolism started to work against him immediately. Before Rhylance could pivot back around to view his handiwork the Chiss heard the Knight’s shoto hit the stone floor. As he brought his head back around the Commander saw that the paralytic had already taken hold over the right side of the Aleena’s body.

“Well my little academic, you have shown me nothing.” Commander Rhylance walked confidently over to the now completely paralyzed Knight, kicking the tiny lightsaber out of sight. “Let this be a lesson to you, do not forget your scientific roots so quickly.”

Rhylance once again took out his Peacekeeper, still in the stun setting, and aimed it at the unmoving Aleena. Before he could pull the trigger he heard the snap-hiss of an igniting lightsaber just a moment before the blue blade pierced his right quadricep. Looking down at Justinios’ shoto, Rhylance immediately knew it had hit only flesh and would not cause any lasting damage beyond the searing pain. The medic pulled the still activated weapon from his leg and shut it off, this time keeping it firmly in his grasp.

“There may be some hope for you yet professor. Others with your disposition would have activated their weapon halfway across the room just to show off the majesty of their power, all while giving me ample time to evade it.” With his right hand, Rhylance finally put a stun blast into Justinios to ensure the Knight’s mind was disabled along with his body. The paralytic and the stun blast would wear off in time and Rhylance decided it would be best if he met Justinios again back within the confines of the fleet.

As the Consul of Clan Taldryan made his way back to his own ship he thought about the research that resided on datapad in his jacket pocket. The Commander decided to hold onto it as insurance that his newest Knight didn't try to kill him as soon as the Aleena stepped foot back aboard the Dark Prophet II.

Darth Renatus, 8 March, 2017 12:58 AM UTC

Syntax

This should be "of the":

both if the blue-skinned

Should probably be "as his body":

As he body came to an awkward rest

This would be "lunged":

Justinios lumged at him without speaking a word


Story

We often say "show, don't tell" and this is one of those times. I can infer that Telekinesis was used here but there is no sign of when or how. Where is the build up? The focusing and the throwing his hand out to perform the Push. The outcome is not unrealistic, but the story is lacking:

Rhylance was caught off-guard by the wave of energy that hit him directly in the chest just as Justinios finished his diatribe. As he tumbled over a downed column he made sure that, above all else, he remained in control of his poison coated scalpel.


Realism

Much like Rhylance tripped up a bit with writing Justinios' offence, you have some similar issues here. Having difficulty pulling off the "win" or the "hit" can be fine, you want to avoid words like "undisciplined" and such to describe it. Focus on the reason he has difficulty is because of his lack of focus in that regard, that he was trained to defend himself instead of finishing others.

Taking a more methodical approach to this fight, Rhylance went on a short offensive. He knew that he didn’t have the strength or agility to make any serious or lasting hit on his enemy without his scalpel, and he didn’t have a lightsaber to defend against Justinios’s. What he did have was his superior size, and his vast knowledge of his opponent’s anatomy.

The Chiss slashed his scalpel at the Aleena knowing that the reaction would be a dodge. As Justinios moved to the right, Rhylance swiveled his body to meet the new position. He aggressively tried to trip the short Knight, but a quick leap backwards allowed for Justinios’s escape. Using his more agile, and nimble body the Knight leapt forward and made a wide sweeping strike which broke through his Consul’s failure of a guard and grazed his side.

Rhylance stumbled backwards, his side stinging with a sharp pain. His Clan member had landed a hit on him, and while he felt anger at being injured, he also felt a small amount of pride. Maybe this Knight wasn’t completely worthless. Pushing himself to his feet and clutching his side the Chiss smiled. He knew what needed to happen now.

“Justinios, I must say that I am very impressed. You win the day, my friend,” Rhylance bowed to the Aleena in a show of respect. “Also, for the record, your equipment is perfectly secure. I would never destroy good research for a test like this. I just needed to put you in the correct mindset. You will do just fine in the coming days.”

Justinios stayed on guard. He wasn’t sure whether or not to trust the Consul who just attacked him. There was a sense of fear that ran through him whenever he was in the presence of his leader, but there was also a semblance of sincerity in the Chiss’s voice.

“I know that my actions today may not warrant your trust, but I needed to be sure you could be ready for the future. Since I can see that you are, I’d like to make you a proposition.”

Justinios deactivated his lightsaber, but he didn’t put it away. He could see the pained expression that kept creeping up on his Consul’s face. The man was a medic, so he knew that Rhylance could heal himself later. The way Rhylance’s words flowed from his mouth into the Knights ears sent a calming feeling into his body. Justinios felt like he needed to consider the Chiss’s proposal.

“What kind of proposition, Lord Commander?”

“You have a stunning mind. I am envious of many of your findings that I looked into. You are intelligent and have a calm disposition that I admire. I want to appoint you to an advanced position within our Clan. Taldryan could use someone like you. I’m thinking a head position in Taldryan’s Intelligence Directorate.”

Justinios was floored. He had definitely not expected that response from his Consul. The chance to take a position in the TID would be a big moment in his scientific career. He could feel his heart beat faster and a smile grew across his face. Clipping his saber hilt back on his hip the Aleena walked towards Rhylance. It was time to leave this forsaken temple and return to their waiting Clan.

The two Taldryan’s walked side by side, Rhylance limping in pain, his wound stinging with every step. Once Rhylance’s ship was in sight Justinios turned to head towards his own vessel. As he turned he felt a sharp pain tear through his back. Dropping to the ground in pain, the Aleena turned over to see Rhylance holding his poisoned scalpel in his hand with his blood coting the blade.

“What…what is this!” Justinios felt that fear return to his body as he lost feeling in his legs.

“Poor poor Justinios. I’m sorry but I can’t trust you. However once I’m finished with you… that will no longer be an issue. You will be the first of Taldryan’s Force users to follow my command without reservation.”

A sinister grin tore across Rhylance’s face. Justinios lost feeling throughout his body, and the Chiss just watched in silence. Once the Aleena was out of commission, the Chiss took out a syringe filled with blue liquid. He injected the Bacta into his side to relieve the pain he felt, and started dragging his prisoner behind him.

“Don’t worry Justinios, I’m not going to damage your beautiful mind. My cranial implant will simply make you mine. As it should be. For Taldryan.”

Darth Renatus, 8 March, 2017 1:05 AM UTC

Syntax

You still have a thing for those misplaced commas. Can point you at some resources if you're interested in improving this.

This should be "coating":

with his blood coting the blade.


Story

This ending is probably more terrifying than it should be. More or less, I don't think there is much more frightening than having free will robbed from you. Well done.