Seer Lexiconus Qor vs. Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris

Seer Lexiconus Qor

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Force Disciple, Techweaver
vs.

Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist, Consular
Comment

Hello you two, and thanks for coming to the ACC for another rousing round of comba-... erm, squid execution? Am I reading this right? Okay. Well, here's the moment you've been waiting patiently for. Feedback!

You both managed to keep the story going, unorthodox as it was. However, I want to point out that this is the Duelist Hall! Yet somehow, during the entirety of the match, only once were either of the characters directly engaged by their opponent, and that wasn't even a fight: it was an execution. More blaster rounds went toward and into Gungans than attacks made between your characters. There were likewise some egregious syntax errors between you both that shows a need for some serious proofing in the future — I'd recommend finding a good writer that isn't you.

Lexic, since you started the match, I'll get to you first. Your narrative had a good grasp of the setting and provided a relatively rich background for the combatants to play around in. However, as much as you want to make your character the good guy, Lithar is a Lightie. Aimlessly shooting civilians and guards just doing their job doesn't fall into that strata. Further, as the first poster, I would have expected more background for Lexic's purpose in Otoh Gunga as well as maybe a snippet for Lithar to work with. Finally, when you reference different species or races, make sure you spell them right. Kiffar. Kaadu.

Lithar, you did a fair try at coming up with a reason to be fighting Lexic in the given venue. However, that attempt (as mentioned in the post notes) didn't really tell the reader much except that Lithar is some sort of zealot vigilante. Then, when Lexic made the obvious mistake of turning your character darkity-dark, you upped the ante and went darker. I applaud the attempt to maintain continuity, but try not to make errors worse in future matches. Killing kids is not how Light Path folks generally operate... ever.

With all commentary concluded, Lexic is declared winner by points.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Lexiconus Qor, Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris
Winner Seer Lexiconus Qor
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Lieutenant Colonel Lithar Andaris's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Otoh Gunga
Last Post 17 February, 2017 12:05 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Repeated awkward phrasing and word choice at various points throughout posts, as well as some punctuation difficulties. See notes for further details. Rationale: Awkward phrasing at intervals, inappropriate comma usage, and consistent capitalization/narrative transition issues. See notes for further details.
Story - 40%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Provided only one instance of combating opponent, which was an execution. Used/mentioned the setting only in final post. Story generally lackluster and lacking in content. See notes for further details. Rationale: Good portrayal and usage of the setting, but no combat between the player-characters present. Little plot beyond the medical treatments of wounded NPCs. See notes for further details.
Realism - 25%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: One major and minor detractors present. See notes for further details. Rationale: One major and a few minor detractors present. See notes for further details.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Xantros Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: One error present. See notes for further details. Rationale: No errors noticed or present.
Adept Xantros's Score: 2.55 Qor Kith's Score: 3.15
Posts

Naboo Otoh Gunga

Beneath the surface of Lake Paonga lies the Gungan capital. Otoh Gunga is constructed in such a manner that leaves the Gungan city trapped beneath water pressures converging on the lake’s vertical center and floating between the surface of the lake and the lakebed. Its location makes the capital difficult to find without knowing its precise location, remaining untouched during the Separatist occupation of Naboo.

Water-breathing species would be able to swim easily to its bubble-shaped buildings; however, those unable to remain submerged without air would find the distance impossible to swim. Therefore, breathing apparatuses are essential for those determined to make the journey themselves and without the aid of Gungan bongos.

Its bubble-like buildings are in fact hydrostatic force-fields that contain breathable atmospheres for their occupants and have special portals that allow theinhabitants to enter and exit. Since the Gungans actually grew the building material of their cities from the natural plasma of Naboo and bubble wort extract, the structure of Otoh Gunga is a hub and spoke design. Each of the bubble-like buildings are compartmentalized units, able to be sealed off at a moment’s notice.

The Gungan Grand Army utilizes patrols that make regular visits between the compartments. Favouring spears, atlatls, Electropoles and cestas for throwing boomas, these soldiers are the staunch defenders of Otoh Gunga. Sometimes armed with distributed Gungan personal energy shields capable of turning aside blaster bolts, these warriors are too-often underestimated, lending to their victories over the Trade Federation.

Lexiconus slowly pushed through the plasma bubble, and emerged into the central community hub of Otoh Gunga. The bustling centre of Gungans forced a smile from Lexiconus, who stared around at the beautiful lights and groups in awe.

Members of the Gungan species formed circles as they spoke their native language, while guards armed with spears and cestas, patrolled the edges. As he jogged and hummed through the busy crowds and market stalls, he glanced around at the wares he was spoiled for choice with.

“Fresha fish! Coma get-cha fresh fish!” A Gungan yelled in his distinct Basic tongue, his hands waggling a pair of meaty yellow-striped Bass. Adjacent to the fish stall, was a meat stall, who was also followed by a vegetable stall. It seemed that most Gungans buy their food here, rather than hunt for themselves.

They’re moving with the times, Lexiconus thought. Or, they’re afraid of the water.

To his right, a large group of mixed species flocked and gathered around another stall, their pushing and shouting started to gather attention from the law enforcement. Curious, Lexiconus slowly approached and pushed his way through the crowds, and his eyes caught the sight of something wonderful. Perched on a dais, an acrobatic Gungan juggled and twirled a staff of fire, and as he used his tongue to balance it, he began to perform gymnastic flips and twirls.

“Eat it!” A Gungan shouted, as he bounced and jumped on the spot. Eventually, they all began to chant and the pressure was increased. Lexiconus slowly winced, as he had foreseen the outcome, and turned to exit the group. While he did, his shoulder was knocked back as a tall Kithar pushed past him. The large man turned to the Quarren, his face scrunched with frustration.

“Hmph!” He grumbled. But Lexiconus shrugged it off and continued down the path, but something in his mind triggered. The face of a Kithar is usually filled with some sort of tattoo, this Kithar wasn’t. He only knew of one Kithar with that unique trait. The Quarren turned to watched the braids of the man bob as he strode away.

“Jorm! Is that you?” He shouted, and the male turned to scrunch his face again. But as Lexiconus stared down at his wrist, expecting to find Jorm’s unique chain tattoo, he instead only saw blank olive skin.

“You’re,” He gulped, his hand slowly curling to his saberstaff. “You’re not Jorm.”

A flash of red light burst from the man’s hand as blaster shots whipped past Lexiconus’ head, as he was quick enough to roll away. His staff ignited with a sharp hiss, while he deflected the bolts as best he could. Rolling and hopping backwards to gain some distance, the Techweaver caught the sight of a droid. With a tug of his hand, he launched the droid into the false Kithar, who tumbled to the ground.

The man rose slowly to his feet, as he wiped the blood from his face, and the olive make up slowly washed away.

“You’re definitely not Jorm,” The Seer growled.

Qyreia Arronen, 26 February, 2017 8:43 PM UTC

Syntax

“Fresha fish! Coma get-cha fresh fish!” A Gungan yelled in his distinct Basic tongue[...]

While you can use an exclamation point even when transitioning from dialogue to narrative in the same sentence, the following word (“A” in this case) should not be capitalized. This happens throughout the post. Unrelated, I loved the imagery this gave me of a stereotypic Italian-accented street vendor.

Adjacent to the fish stall, was a meat stall, who was also followed by a vegetable stall.

This is a simple case of comma-itis. The first comma shouldn’t even be there; the second is hit-or-miss. The “who” should also be “which,” as the stall is not a person.

The face of a Kithar is usually filled with some sort of tattoo, this Kithar wasn’t.

Kiffar. It’s spelled Kiffar.

Story

The man rose slowly to his feet, as he wiped the blood from his face, and the olive make up slowly washed away.

While this is perfectly fine on the realism scale (+3 Subterfuge plus Man Of Thousand Faces), this falters for the story because there is no basis set for why Lithar — we can only assume this is Lithar, since you didn’t name anyone but Jorm — was camouflaged or why he suddenly attacked. Always remember that the “why” of the story is very important. A little more elaboration would have taken you far.

Realism

Lexiconus slowly pushed through the plasma bubble[...]

This is a minor detractor, but the bubbles are “hydrostatic,” not plasma. Plasma would burn the frack out of you. Also very power-inefficient.

The face of a Kithar is usually filled with some sort of tattoo, this Kithar wasn’t.

Then how the bloody fracksticks can you tell he’s a Kiffar?! Externally, they are identical to baseline humans. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

This was a good start for the match. Syntax suffered a bit, largely because of your issue with transitioning from dialogue to narration, as well as comma-itis (or as I’ve started calling it, commabeetus). Aside from the oddity with the Kiffar makeup, the intro story was rather good, though there is the ever-present “why” being asked: why is Lexic there? What’s he doing? Realism likewise only had some minor issues, as you used the Character Sheets to good effect.

Lithar Andaris fell on the ground, when he got hit with a droid. His camouflage failed him, so he did not need any longer. He slowly stood up and wiped the blood from his face, washing the make up away in the process.

"You are definitely not Jorm," spoke the Quarren.

"No, as you have noticed, I am not Jorm, whoever it is" replied the Human. "However, I have a message for you."

The Lieutenant Colonel indeed had a message for the Quarren and he wished to deliver it personally, even though it had required him to spend weeks on tracking the Seer. It had not been an easy mission to accomplish, but his target finally stood in front of him. The Human finally had a chance to eliminate the first person from the list of people, whom he considered to be impure in matter of loyalty. He had heard rumours stating that the Quarren was not willing to accept the burden of loyalty or simply was unable to understand the necessity of being loyal. As such, the Seer was not worthy of living from Lithar's point of view.

"What is the message?" asked surprised Lexiconus Qor. "Who did send it?"

"Mistress Death has sent both me, her faithful messenger, and the message itself," answered Lithar Andaris taking out his DH-17 blaster pistol and shooting at the droid, which turned into a piece of junk. Then, the Lieutenant Colonel aimed at the Quarren male, ready to cease the unworthy existence the impure one with a single shot.

Qyreia Arronen, 26 February, 2017 8:45 PM UTC

Syntax

Lithar Andaris fell on the ground, when he got hit with a droid.

This is an unnecessary comma.

[...]whom he considered to be impure in matter of loyalty.

This is awkwardly phrased. One rewrite I would suggest is “in matters of loyalty.” Otherwise, I would recommend a total rewording.

"Who did send it?"

“Who sent it?” would be the proper written form of this sentence, given the context of the conversation.

"Mistress Death has sent both me, her faithful messenger, and the message itself," answered Lithar Andaris taking out his DH-17 blaster pistol and shooting at the droid, which turned into a piece of junk.

Here a comma would serve you well after “Andaris.” While not a detractor, using some more colorful descriptors for the droid would have gone a long way as well.

[...]ready to cease the unworthy existence the impure one with a single shot.

“The impure one” here is rather awkward and needs some adjustment, such as adding “of” prior to the phrase (of the impure one) or a pairing of m-dashes (unworthy existence — the impure one — with a single shot). Even a couple of commas would have sufficed.

Story

Lithar Andaris fell on the ground, when he got hit with a droid.

This whole paragraph is backtracking and essentially restates the end of Lexic’s preceding post. This is lazy storytelling, especially given that your post barely passed the minimum word count as it was.

The Human finally had a chance to eliminate the first person from the list of people, whom he considered to be impure in matter of loyalty.

What list is this? Who did it come from? Who is Lexic supposed to be loyal to, given that he’s from another Clan? This attempt at a backstory is a stretch that is generic without offering any concrete details for the reader.

[...]shooting at the droid, which turned into a piece of junk.

Aside from the incident where the droid hit him in the head, this is the only point of “conflict” within the post. Simply aiming at Lexiconus and using flamboyant threats does not equate to conflict.

Realism

[...]wiped the blood from his face, washing the make up away in the process.

I don’t know what kind of face paint Lithar is using, but I would like some, because I’ve never seen or heard of any makeup that “washes off” with a wipe of the hand. Minor detractor.

Continuity

"You are definitely not Jorm," spoke the Quarren.

This wouldn’t have been an issue if the whole first section of your post wasn’t a restatement of Lexic’s post. Since it is, this is a minor continuity error for its incorrect verbage.

Synopsis

Aside from the above noted syntax errors, the biggest oddity I found was that you rarely used partial names. Only once do you shorten “Lithar Andaris” to just “Lithar.” Not a detractor, but a bit odd. Between the backtracking and the general lack of any discernible plot progression, the story left much to be desired. Not only did it create more questions than it answered, but the setting disappeared entirely while these two had their little tiff in the middle of a busy city street — one that is full of civilians and military personnel alike.

Lexiconus quickly raised his hands to the armed man and looked around, while a crowd of curious Gungans began to mumble and collect. Slowly backpedaling to the crowd, the Quarren extended the distance between the two men, as he thought of a plan.

“Whoa there, sir. Who is this Mistress Death and why am I on her list? I assure you,” He gulped, as the guards had still not taken noticed from their patrols. “I have not caused any disrespect to your Mistress.”

The Human slowly smirked, as he fired another warning shot but into the ground near his ankles, which caused the Gungan behind Lexiconus to collapse. His ankle destroyed from the ricochet of plasma. Lexiconus heard the cries from the young teen, who struggled to keep the bleeding from his ankle and bit his lip. He felt the urge and desire to help this poor Gungan, but he didn’t know the capabilities of the male with the blaster. Desperate and quite stressed about the injury, Lexiconus inhaled deeply.

“Sir, whoever you are, I do not care whether you want to kill or not right now. But this poor soul, that you just shot is going through a tremendous amount of pain. I need to help him, if he ever is going to have a chance at walking again. I need to help him. Please, allow me to use the Force? Then I will surrender to your terms,” Lexiconus slowly lowered his hands as he spoke, watching this man’s response.

In a moment of silence, as his eyes scanned the area and the young Gungan, his hand slowly came down and the blaster returned to the holster.

“Fine, help the frog, then you will be coming with me,” He nodded in agreement, but his lips pursed while his grumbled. His plan wasn’t going his way.

Slowly he knelt to the floor, and assessed the issues with the Gungan’s ankle, which continued to writhe and bleed across the floor.

“Sh, it’s okay now. You’re in capable hands, please let me take a look? I am a Jedi,” The words of the Quarren inspired a calm and joyous spirit in the group, while the young teen reluctantly allowed Lexiconus to repair his ankle. While the Seer carefully closed his palms around the wound, and a bright light shone from the wound, he motioned his head for the other Gungans to come closer.

“One of you must tell the guards, there is an assassin here. Please, make sure they come and arrest him,” He whispered, and a female nodded then quickly ran to a nearby guard who caught wind of the commotion and blood. Hopping and stomping over, the Gungan guard on his Kaada quickly stormed over, his spear tightly in his hand.

“Yousa come with me, assassy-yin!” The guard roared at the Human, who quickly pulled his blaster out and shot two rounds into the guard’s skull.

“Enough of your games, squid!” He roared, the blaster now firmly pointed at Lexiconus. “Come with me, now! Or I will start killing more frogs!”

Qyreia Arronen, 26 February, 2017 9:54 PM UTC

Syntax

[...]the Quarren extended the distance between the two men, as he thought of a plan.

This is an unnecessary comma.

“Whoa there, sir. Who is this Mistress Death and why am I on her list? I assure you,” He gulped, as the guards had still not taken noticed from their patrols.

Here you manage to use a comma correctly at the close of the dialogue, but still capitalized “he” when you shouldn’t have, which happens throughout the post. Unless it was supposed to be a new sentence, in which case that comma should be a period. The latter option allows for the comma after “he gulped,” whereas in the case of the former, I would nix it.

The Human slowly smirked, as he fired another warning shot[...]

Another unneeded comma. Cease and desist!

His ankle destroyed from the ricochet of plasma.

This clause should be merged with the preceding sentence as it is incomplete on its own.

[...]who struggled to keep the bleeding from his ankle and bit his lip.

Here “keep” should be replaced with “stem,” “halt,” “stop,” or other like words.

But this poor soul, that you just shot[...]

I told you to cease with the commas. Don’t make me get the clamps.

Hopping and stomping over, the Gungan guard on his Kaada quickly stormed over, his spear tightly in his hand.

Kaadu. It is spelled kaadu, and as it is not a proper noun, should not be capitalized.

Story

The Human slowly smirked, as he fired another warning shot but into the ground near his ankles, which caused the Gungan behind Lexiconus to collapse.

This and the later scene with the Gungan guard are the only instances of combat/conflict within the post. Bear in mind that this is the Duelist Hall of the ACC — you are going to have to fight your opponent.

Realism

“Fine, help the frog, then you will be coming with me[...]”

Granted, Lithar’s dialogue has been over-the-top thus far, but there is nothing to reinforce such xenophobic language, especially given that he is a Light Path Loyalist.

“One of you must tell the guards, there is an assassin here. Please, make sure they come and arrest him,” He whispered[...]

While he is an intelligent individual, convincing the Gungans that he is a Jedi and Lithar is an assassin, all while the latter is watching a matter of meters away, falls under Subterfuge, which Lexic has a whopping +0 in. The same goes for Empathy, Manipulation, or even (+1) Tactics, which would otherwise have allowed him to sway the crowd and use them to his advantage as described here. Minor detractor.

“Yousa come with me, assassy-yin!” The guard roared at the Human, who quickly pulled his blaster out and shot two rounds into the guard’s skull.

Again, Lithar is a Light Path character. Not counting the racism in his dialogue, this incident is counter to that Path choice, especially given that he has no Aspects to back it up. This unfortunately qualifies as a major detractor. It’s also a bit unrealistic simply because of the double-tap that he pulls off straight from the holster (there’s a Feat for that).

Synopsis

Whatever you were doing in your first post dropped off heavily here. There were significantly more syntax errors, as well as an increased variety of them. The story suffered because there was barely any conflict between the two characters, making this match come off as something closer to a Cooperative Hall match. Lastly, the realism took a massive hit because you tried to force Lithar into being the villain. If he acts like this in his own fiction, it is not backed up by his CS, which is what I grade by, and a Light Path shooting civilians and guards uncaringly does not come off as Light in any way.

Lithar Andaris looked at the Gungans, who gathered nearby. They seemed to be somewhat shocked with his acts of seemingly unnecessary violence. However, they were well justified. The Human intended to kill the impure one and his plan was to achieve his goal no matter of the cost. If it required several Gungans to die, he would not hesitate to kill as many of them as it would necessary.

"Come with me, at once!" repeated Lithar Andaris, still aiming at Lexiconus.

When the Quarren hesitate, the Lieutenant Colonel aimed at a Gungan child and shot it in the head, killing the boy instantly. He said, "More will die, if you do not comply with my orders."

"Fine, I will go with you," replied Lexiconus Qor and stood up, when the Human showed him the direction.

They moved quickly through the corridors of Otoh Gunga. Lithar pushed his prisoner with his DH-17 Blaster Pistol. The Quarren was surprisingly quiet and did not take any suspicious actions, like if he hoped to prevent any further casualties, if he obeyed Lithar's orders without hesitation. However, more and more Gungan guards followed the duo, so the Human forced the Quarren to move to the nearest portal that would allow him to leave the Gungan City.

"Stop now," ordered Lithar Andaris. "Stop and greet Mistress Death, as she wants to have your soul."

With those words, the Human killed Lexiconus Qor with a single blaster shot aimed at the back of Quarren's head. He watched as the lifeless body of his prisoner fell on the ground and then turned back, as he heard steps of multiple Gungans running towards him. He quickly aimed at them and started shooting. He killed or disabled eight of them, before he realized that he would get overwhelmed quickly. He put a breathing device on his face and walked through the portal to swim to the surface. He just hoped that the Gungans would not follow him long enough to allow him to reach the city of Theed and leave the planet in his freighter safely.

Qyreia Arronen, 26 February, 2017 10:57 PM UTC

Syntax

[...]his goal no matter of the cost.

A comma after “goal” would help, but is not necessary. The phrase “no matter of the cost” needs some revising, such as “no matter the cost,” or “no matter what the cost.”

When the Quarren hesitate[...]

Minor typo that should be “hesitated.”

The Quarren was surprisingly quiet and did not take any suspicious actions, like if he hoped to prevent any further casualties, if he obeyed Lithar's orders without hesitation.

After “suspicious actions,” this sentence starts to fall apart in understandability and becomes difficult to read. Perhaps a rephrasing, such as, “...and suspicious actions, thinking that if he obeyed Lithar’s orders without hesitation, he could prevent any further casualties.”

Story

"Stop now," ordered Lithar Andaris. "Stop and greet Mistress Death, as she wants to have your soul."

How is it, in the course of four posts that this is the first time that either character has directly harmed or attempted to harm the other?! There isn’t even a fight! It’s just a lackluster execution without so much as some dramatic last words.

He put a breathing device on his face and walked through the portal to swim to the surface.

If Lithar wants to outrun (out_swim_ in this case, I suppose) the Gungans that are hot on his heels, I’d wager that a human doesn’t stand much chance against a race of amphibians. But what do I know? I’m just a simple tailor.

Realism

When the Quarren hesitate, the Lieutenant Colonel aimed at a Gungan child and shot it in the head, killing the boy instantly.

Lithar is a Light Path character, with no Aspects that overtly counter this. Had you simply gone along with Lexic’s method, you would not have been marked simply for maintaining continuity. This went from “killing guards and injuring bystanders incidentally” to “shooting children.” This is unfortunately a major detractor.

Synopsis

You were handed the rather difficult situation of trying to work with someone else writing your character poorly/incorrectly. However, making the uncharacteristic portrayal worse did not help your situation, nor did maintaining the extremely short posts that hardly offer much to the story. On the upside, you managed to at least incorporate the setting into your post this time, but it was only by a small margin. Syntax showed many of the same types of mistakes as in your previous post, which tells me there is some need of proofing from an outside source.